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No Parking Stopping OR Standing

If you have made it here congrats, this is one of those lovely little preferred list blogs. It will probably be opened at a later date but right now I would rather it not be.

Today was my first day of counseling and it was much needed. I finally got caught up on all my school work and was feeling pretty good. Went in to counseling and we talked, went over touchy things from my past but I kept it together…at least until we got on self image.

I knew I had a problem with the way I perceived myself but I have always managed to keep it well hidden. I am not a fan of the 50 plus pounds I have gained since getting pregnant with Ian but I didnt realize just how bad I was about it.

So I need to work on loving myself, yeah yeah, cheesy but its true.

I am going through hella depression right now. Like nothing I have ever gone through before. I am finding it incredibly hard to get out of bed and go to school, in total this semester I have missed 3 weeks of classes most of those occurring after spring break. When I do drag myself out of bed, into clothes and to school I find myself drifting off to sleep while driving. Well I haven’t fallen asleep but I am damn close.

I get home and want to do nothing. I have projects out the butt and I cant seem to get them done, laundry piles (which is fine cause we all have a ton of clothes but it sucks doing 8 loads in a day) homework and studying are shoved to the side because I cant think straight to do it.

I think I threw up at least once every day last week. Just nausious and fainty feeling and in a little zone drifting from place to place but paying no attention to the surroundings.

And I have once again taken Boone back and I dont know why. I know I love him and I know he loves me and when we are together (sober) its great. He tells me how beautiful I am and how wonderful I am, etc.

But then it never fails that he goes out and drinks on a night that he was supposed to be over here. I keep being second to drinking. I know it, it keeps happening yet I keep going back.

Its piles up in my heart, I get tired of it and I leave him. I get shit on cause I left him and he is depressed. Suddenly becoming not worthy of his love and being threatened by new people that never seemed to matter before. But maybe its cause the friends that have always mattered arent surprised and just roll their eyes, just another sob story of Boones.

So I am sitting here waiting for the backlash of the latest of HIS screwup. Me not being understanding enough because he broke a promise to me once again and it was dealing with alcohol once again.

I just wish he would get his act together. He goes on the attack when he is drunk and it sucks ass being the target. I have somehow taken the burden of him drinking out on me. Like I feel
I need to help him with it, keep a constant nagging eye on him which
makes maters worse. Its not my responsibility to keep him sober yet I
refuse to be around him when he is drunk. Ugh…

He also seems to think that pointing out that others have problems and therefore they dont have the right to talk. But we all have problems, we all have issues but I (cant speak for the rest of the world) am doing my part to help figure it out.

I am constantly going over past shit, sorting it in my head, facing it and trying to change. Boone cant see that cause he didnt know me when I was married but Jason sees it clear as day and so do close friends. I have control issues and this is something I cant control. I want him to straighten up, everyone that REALLY cares about Boone wants him to but I cant be the one to show him the light.

He keeps asking for patience but at what expense?

I am terrified of the shitty blog from Boone to come…

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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I know and can relate…that is why I am where I am. I am hoping you can share these feelings in one of your sessions, I know what will be said, and I am sure you do to… it isn’t easy to change how we are. We live off their illness thinking WE can make them change! NOT! Then it is hard to take care of ourselves.

Patience won’t fix him. He is who he chooses to be and you can’t stop that, and if you really are terrified of a letter…let him go! You have two kids that need you more than he does. I know that fear! It put a knife in my hand and very close to doing something that would have put me in prison if Harley hadn’t taken me out of the house four years ago.
Don’t do anything that would get CPS involved if you love those kids! Nothing is worth having our children taken away or spending time in a nut house or prison!
You can’t keep him sober, and you can’t watch him all the time, and you can’t be alone! It is so stressful to even remember these things. Don’t let anyone take your happiness away. Don’t forget who you are! Take care of you that is what’s important.
You are still in transition carrying a large burden with school, and pushing yourself!
The past his a history on how we got to where we are now, that is all, and there is nothing we can do to change it, except maybe to use it as a lesson on how we can walk better each day.

I’ve got 30 years of journals that terrify me to think that I let myself, and my child, be put through the things that I did! I’d hate for you to wind up the same way!

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:27 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley

We accept the way they are…or we don’t, and both ways is a hard road to travel…

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails…

So, how do we judge what love is

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:57 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez

You are such a beautiful woman. You work so hard for your little ones. You are the world to them. You deserve the best! The comment before me sums up love.
You deserve that!

Wishing I was closer…

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 8, 2009 – Wednesday – 8:16 AM
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You are a strong person

I am not worried about you anymore.

I get it and I appreciate it but dammit sometimes I want someone to worry about me again. I see that I have put up a strong image of myself, that I am perfectly content and obnoxiously happy but truth be told I have times where *I* scare myself.

Some nights I close my eyes and start running, I cant stop, I just run and I dont know what I am running from. Its right before I fall asleep, almost there but not quite. I occasionally wake up and raise up to stop the running but the minute my head hits the pillow it happens again.

It sucks and makes for a shitty night of sleep. I am back at the point of not being able to concentrate on my work again because I am so overwhelmed.

And when I hit that point my support system seems to let me slip because, well…I am a strong person. So I am left once again to sort out the shitty stuff in my head, take a bath and blank out the world around me, lay down in bed with my covers thrown all the way over me just trying to breath.

Tomorrow will be a better day, it will be as if the past week hasnt happened. I will drag myself out of bed and to school and refocus on life itself. My face is burning from crying so much today and I really have no reason to cry…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
YOu girl are overwhelmed! We tend to take on so much and one day runs into the next and it’s like you never get a finishing point from one day to the next! And that is why you cry.

I could mention something that would help with that but then I am sure you get a lot of try this try that comments. Talk to you doctor, let him know about what is going on with your sleep patterns. I have had that problem since I was a kid. My dad got me a multi band radio where I could get stations around the world…I’d lay there and start listening and would go to sleep. I did the same thing with a police radio, I would fall right to sleep. I was really bad about trying to solve the worlds problems when my head hit the pillow and I couldn’t shut it off!!!! Everything i did in the day would have to be justified and filed away or it would bug the crap out of me untill I had spent hours figuring out what it was that was keeping me awake. Sometimes it was something very simple and stupid like my keys not being in the right place for in the morning. Or I didnt’ get gas, or didn’t pay a bill, stuff like that. I’ve been on medicaton for a long time now for that and it’s when I go without it that it gets crazy! I’ll have to get up and do something to take my mine off it…what ever it was. I have one CD that I play every night.
It is for sleep and relaxation and I am always sound asleep before it finished, I also have a bio feedback program that relaxes me, and funny thing I can play Mahjongg for about an hour and I am dead tired and fall to sleep!

It helps to get a system in place. After the kids get to bed, turn the lights down, make sure everything is where it needs to be for the next day, make sure you haven’t forgotten to do something for the day that might make you jump up and go oh crap about.
Find some comforting relaxing music to softly play and maybe check your email for the last time, or play a simple on line game or read someones blog that you don’t know.NO caffiene! NO sugar! makes a big difference. Have you tried meditation? Or the other extreme…ti bo or something to absolutely wear you out?

I hope you can find a pattern of relaxation that will work for you.
Do you have restless leg syndrome? I used to but this medicine had stopped my legs from jerking to!

You need to get to that REM sleep!

Good luck!

Posted by Always Màthair on March 30, 2009 – Monday – 12:02 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
i agree with her. sleep would definately help with the strees. i do tv. i had anxiety so bad in high school that i would literaly fall asleep taking notes in coach rosens class. so i started watching tv. i would focus on the tv and forget all the things running in my mind. i think it helps to rest your mind, and then your dreams might not be so intense. i always had the ones where you wake up and cant move! those are freaky too.
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 30, 2009 – Monday – 9:56 AM
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Carol Bivens
Hey Girly! I myself understand being a strong person and how when you aren’t feeling strong no one seems to help you because they think you can handle it. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they don’t know. All I can say is, when you are feeling like you need support the easiest way(and the hardest for those of us who hate to admit weakness) to get what you need is (1) figure out what it is that would make you feel better and (2) tell someone in your support network what that thing is and (3) give them an opportunity to support you. I’m just now learning this lesson myself and have found it to be very effective….getting what you need from those you care about without the use of medication. If you are fulfilled emotionally all the other stressors in life don’t seem quite as bad.
Hope that helps!
Posted by Carol on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 11:29 AM
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Socks and underware go in the pocket

At least thats what I do when I am packing my bag…or wondering where those key items went to when I have arrived at my destination and need to sort everything out.

Speaking of unpacking bags, I did a little of it today. A friend of Boones needed a computer and I had my old laptop from back when I lived in Utah/Ians first six months of life. I hadnt touched the thing in years but Jason had used it for various things over the years. I never touched his laptop/computer so I had no clue what was on it.

Little things but still jaring things, numerous documents talking about how wonderful he was and how seemingly horrible I was. I read it now and it just makes me sad, all those years flying by and I never knew. Blah. Also lots of old pics and files that I hadnt seen in years…

But anywho, today marks (I think, lol) one years since our custody hearing. That was an oh so funny day, Jason had his butt handed to him by the judge. He hadnt grasped that no one, especially a judge, would find it a good thing that he left his wife to move in with his girlfreind, the one he had cheated with. Previous agreements that Jason and I had made in writing were attempted to be thrown out but the judge saw through it and Jason had to stand by those. And he did, it wasnt until the divorce that I decided to let those go, no longer being held hostage, under his finger, at least when it came to money.

Now Jason and I are great, I still consider him one of my best friends. He had grown leaps and bounds when it came to the kids. Would it have been nice had he not fallen off the dad wagon? Well yeah. But he did and after a relativly short amount of time he pulled his head out.

Enough of that I suppose….

So this weekend was Angs birthday party and we had it here. Jason was supposed to have watched the kids but was to sick to drive up here so they stayed with me. Try as I might I just cant let myself loosen up with my kids around, even asleep I still am in mom mode. But I still had a good time, it was nice to be able to go jump into my jammies, lol.

Tomorrow I have school, then I am coming home to catch up on stuff that should have been done over spring break.

Wednesday I go in to see about some counseling. Its not something I am ashamed or embarrassed to admit. Part of the reason I do these blogs is to help get it all out and I think having someone that isnt here in the middle of it all will help too. For the most part I have things under control but it obvious that the same relationship problems keep coming up with me, just with every new relationship the roles seem switched.

And with that I am off…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Let me know if you get any goood pointers on that one!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 24, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:18 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
hmmm, counseling sounds fun. i think it would be cool to find out what a ‘professional’ thought about me and my little ticks… or maybe not! lol! good luck with that! =]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 24, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:07 AM
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Hate is such a strong word

In all my numerous blogs, through all the major ups and downs only once do I recall saying that I hated someone and that someone was Jason. At the time it was pure frustration, I stumbled upon a picture of him and Nicole and I lost it and point blank stated that I hated him.

Did I really hate him? No. But I have hated things he has done. The feeling of hate came and went within hours.

Hate is such a strong word, its deep and it stings to the core. I have a reason to hate people but I dont. I am actually thankful of the crap that has happened, its pushed me along and made me a stronger person.

To hate someone is to give that someone your energy and at my lowest points I needed all the energy I had so why waste it on hate?

I never said I hated Boone, thats silly. I also never said I didnt love him anymore and whether or not he still loves me is no concern of mine.

I wish him the best. I hope he can get himself the help he needs, the help he knows he needs.

I so need a break after this looooong week.

Angry words

I understand the coping mechanism that people have when the shit seems to hit the fan but going so far as to say that I dont know what love is nor do I deserve it well thats way to far. Just because I came to the conclusion that my relationship with Boone would always have tension and therefore shouldnt continue I now dont deserve love and any love that I supposedly had towards him is now false love.

We simply didnt see the world through the same glasses, we had different views on parenting, live very different lifestyles and our religious views are completely opposite.

I “need” sex to reconnect, to share that special bond with someone. I dont think with my clit and he is an asshole for even having that cross his mind. I dont have disgusting disease that would sacrifice his well being, I had a yeast infection. He didnt seem to care that I had it when he was drunk and once again attempted to force me into doing something I didnt want to do.

And because of all those things I broke, I realized it wouldnt work and I lost trust in him yet again when it came to drinking. Comparing my desire to reconnect (which duh, relieves stress) is in no way on the same level as him needing a beer to cope. To compare the two is laughable which is why I got up and left the room.

That and his ride was there, his ride…lol 32 yo boy needing a ride to get from place to place. When I said it was over on the phone I didnt mean you were calling to try to get the relationship back I mean that, well, you are dead to me.

So swiftly things change. You are a mean person and you know it and you have for years. Notably I am being childish and blocking him, his profile is private and I would rather not have a chance to read mean stuff about me again.

Thats the last I will speak of it.

Ahhhh….the last batch of crayons.

Its strange how being a “single” mom has been such a relief. I seem to not sweat the little things any longer, the kids are fed, bathed and shuffled off to bed with no anxiety following along. The hick ups along the way are just that and no longer bother me like they used to. Getting up numerous times during the night is just something that happens. I dont usually count when I get up and even if I do its forgotten about by the end of the day.

I have a full plate and I love it. I am happy to have taken the high road in all this and to be coming out a better person. I am happy that Jason and I still have a great friendship and co parent awesomely together. I am grateful that our kids will be able to see their parents interact like adults and not fear talking about one of us to the other. I am grateful that we can show them that sometimes things dont work out but that we can still be friends.

The 13th was the day last year, the day I woke up to my Dear Juli letter. The odd dreams that I had been having throughout my pregnancy came true. Every detail played out like it had done months and months before. Its so strange that I just knew, that I had dreamt it all along. I remember waking from my dreams a few times confused because it seemed so real. Jason would get home from school and I would tell him about them, how vivid they were, and he would just say that he would never leave me. lol

But anywho, I think the dreams prepped me for the real thing because the day it happened I was amazingly calm. I called a few girl friends, we laughed that I left Jason stranded on the side of the road. I packed the car and me and the kids headed for the yellow city.

I dont think I even cried on the trip here but its all foggy now anywho. I do remember all the fires though we when go into town.

I cried constantly once it sunk in and that went on for about a month…then Boone came along. I still grieved the loss of my husband, hell I still do, but it certainly helped having someone along for the ride.

Through all these ups and downs I can say without a doubt that I am happier now more then ever. I love my life, I love my friends and family, I love being forced into new roles. I love the challenge of playing the mom and dad, I love the rush and excitiment knowing that I can do this, that I am doing this.

I love how I went from strictly t shirts and jeans to a much more sleek look, not high fashion by any stretch of the imagination but I only have one pair of hole filled jeans now. And the sad thing is my flip flop wearing feet have now been transformed to heels pretty much on a daily basis, its so bad that not wearing heels throws me off.

I.am.awesome. And I have no qualms saying it.



My kids are just as awesome. Hope does really well being shuffled about but then again its all she has ever know.

But Ian does beautifully now (for the most part) compared to when we first got here. I can now leave his side and he is okay. He helps me a lot around the house and loves his baby sister. Tonight we made heart crayons for his class at daycare, tomorrow we are making the valentines, Wednesday we are making chocolate suckers and Thursday we are making cookies. It gonna be awesome.

I booked our hotel in Dallas, its the intercontenental, should be fun.

I am in need of a vacation.

And with that I am off to bed. Woot

Cheyenne aka Mommy
You have done an amazing job. Isn’t it amazing how your life can change so swiftly in just a year? We live, we learn, we get on with life and love it. Continue to be proud of yourself because you deserve the recognition for what you have accomplished.
It would have been so easy to give up but you focused on the most important people in your life-your children and yourself!
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on February 11, 2009 – Wednesday – 9:37 AM

Where the fuck is notepad?

I need to clean up my desktop and start backing up my computer. My poor desktop, I cant find a thing on it and what makes it worse is that there is a file on it that has almost 2gb that needs to be sorted as well. Ack.

Anywho, this past week has been interesting. Boone and I have pretty much spent every moment together since last saturday night since Jason had the kids the whole time…plus he had off wed, thur, and friday. SOOOO that meant lots of us time which was good.

This Christmas will go down as one of the worst (aside from Boone of course). For all 28 years my Christmas eves were spent with one side of the family and it was usually the only time of the year that everyone would come over. Well this year it was supposed to be at my house and no one, at all, showed up. So that got me rather depressed. The kids were here but Ian was asleep sick on the couch the whole time and really didnt want to open presents. Then again mom was sick as well and I didnt want to open them without her.

She was all depressed about it too but its not like we live out of town and just had to do it that day. Anywho, we will have Christmas tonight and that should help.

Jason bought a car, a brand new car. On one hand it infuriates me because the kids dont really have insurance (they have medicaide but I cant find a doctor that will take us). He could get them insurance but he says its too expensive. I am fairly positive he hasnt looked for just the kids though and getting anything done that isnt about school seems to always miss his list.

BUT having a car will be a good thing. That means he can hopefully come a little earlier and stay a little later on his weekends. It also gets him a step closer to moving in on his own and away from bi polar beast. Although I honestly dont think he will ever be able to get away from her, after all who else would make sure she takes her 6 pills a day and talk her to sleep. Bleh, insert puking emotion here.

Boone (and me) finally finished super mario galaxy. I bought it last year for Jason for Christmas so its a little funny to be playing it this year, around Christmas, with my boyfriend.

All in all this was just a change. For years its been one way with my family, not anymore. For years its been one way with my husband and kids, not anymore. For years its been excitement to see certain people and talk to people and pig out on stuff that I shouldnt and well, not anymore. I think if it had been just a divorce and my family still coming together I would have made it through a lot better but since everything seems to have fallen through the cracks it makes it that much harder.

So on that note I plan on doing things differently next year, much differently. I am glad I did have boone to go through it with me though. I know I would have been even more of a basket case without him.

I cant wait till the end of the month when school starts back up, I can get my new mac, a couch and plan our one year anniversary. Should be fun. This months break is nice but I miss my school friends and having something challenging to do on top of life its self.

I am looking forward to getting the kids back though, its been so long and I am getting anxious with them being gone so long.

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Sara Graves- Martinez
have you tried dr. okogbo? he had my kids when they were on medicaid. he is pretty good to.

anyways, sorry christmas wasn’t great… that sux!

hope things look up =]=]=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on December 29, 2008 – Monday – 4:58 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
uHHH, LET’S SEE…NOTEPAD IS…unnnn, ya, all programs, accessories, ya, ya! Never use it!
Posted by Always Màthair on December 29, 2008 – Monday – 7:21 PM
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Not just for me

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Sometimes some quotes just nauseate you because they are so true.

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Sara Graves- Martinez
good one….
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on November 10, 2008 – Monday – 8:18 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
How can we warrant what love is with held or twisted? And still think we love?
Posted by Always Màthair on November 11, 2008 – Tuesday – 6:37 PM
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Enjoying life

I am thrilled with myself and my ability to push forward. I seem to finally be out of my downer mood and just loving it at the moment. And its just me and the kids and THATS the best part. Actually enjoying playing with my kids, cooking meals, doing the dishes and washing the clothes all on my OWN.

I realized that tonight. I have come to the point where I am so comfy doing it alone that when someone steps in it bugs me. And I like sleeping in my huge king bed sideways by myself, never would have thought that could happen.

I dont know how to type it but I am just so happy and for once its not because of someone else its because of me.


Sara Graves- Martinez
yay =]=]=]=]=]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on November 7, 2008 – Friday – 8:16 AM
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I am an open book, probably to open

This is like therapy and the only reason I type it out is for me to look back on but also knowing that someone might come along and read it and possibly get something from it. I know reading about other peoples ups and downs seems to make me feel a little more normal.

I have been looking forward to this weekend, I think somewhere around here might be a blog about it. Boone and I were supposed to spend the weekend relaxing, talking and resetting, it was VERY much needed.

Instead I am sitting here at the computer crying my eyes out while he is with a friend. So much for resetting, right. I need support dammit, I need someone to be here for me. Last time he didnt spend a night with me it was because he wanted to spend it with his fucking cat. That made me feel like crap.

He knows I am depressed but he wont talk to me about it. He gives me no reassurance that everything will be okay.

He drinks to much, entirely to much. And in the beginning he was great about it being a rare occurrence (the drinking to stupidity) but within a couple months he was back to the Boone that everyone knows. We would come home and he would make me feel like shit and I kept excusing it away. I told myself that he was making improvements (and he was) and that I would stick it out hoping that he would get better.

Ha, he seems to be getting worse. I am scared of him when he gets really drunk. Literally I shake and have at points been in tears and dont want to be alone with him. I try to talk with him about it and he blows it off as if its not a big deal. I wont wake him when he is passes out which has made for him sleeping in my car a couple of times.

He thinks his friends have put all this crap in my head about him and the truth is is that they havent. Stuff was brought up in the first month of us dating but we have never sat around and had a pow wow talking about his behavior. He seems to think everyone is out to get him. Thats silly though, if all his friends have this opinion (that seems to run the same from person to person) then maybe its not that they are all wrong, maybe its that they are all RIGHT.

Fucking a, do some reflection and stop blaming everyone for your behavior.

I can do this, I can survive, I am a strong person and deserve so much more then what landed in my lap. It sucks because I love him, I really do, and I know he loves me but this destruction of my being is not worth the love. I know this so why cant I just release him.

I feel like karma is kicking my ass big time. I was mean to Jason, I admit that, I reflected on it and changed my ways last October. He didnt know how to react to that and just left me. I didnt deserve that at all and my kids didnt deserve it either but it happened and I cant take it back.

But now I feel like the tables have been turned and now I am the one that is put through verbal abuse but so much worse then I ever was to Jason. Its not fair, or is it?

The worst part of this night is that I broke down in front of Jason. Boone called right when I was handing over the kids and I just lost it. I dont want to appear weak to him, I dont. Yet there I was bawling in front of my ex husband asking him if I was such a bad person. He offered a hug (because I was there for him when he needed it a few months ago) and I turned it down.

How fucking confusing would that be to be bawling in my ex husbands arms over my current relationship. I just wanted to melt into a big puddle of “take me back, please”. But then his dad walked in so I grabbed my pizza (he brought me my fave pizza from lubbock) and left. With tear filled eyes I occasionally pulled over on the side of the road to wipe them so I could actually see.

Life was so much easier a year ago, I wish I could just reset it all. I am so miserable with my life right now.

And yeah, I am leaving this here for all to read. Its stuff I have kept inside that only Ang really knows about. I know she is at the point of wanting me to just leave him, she sees/hears it all. She spent the night with me the night he chose the cat over me.

I just dont know what to do, or maybe I do but I am to scared to do anything about it.

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leggo de Burgerac
give yourself the same answer you’d give if you daughter asked you the same thing.
Posted by leggo on October 25, 2008 – Saturday – 6:24 AM
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I deserve something more

and I know it but I am to afraid of letting go for fear that I will never find happiness again. I have this fear of being alone, its irrational but its there.

I feel like no one will ever want me again so why even try to move forward. But my current situation is bringing me down more then up. I hate this, when did I become so scared, weak and timid? I promised myself that I wouldnt let this happen but it has. I try to explain it away but its becoming obvious to everyone that this isnt working.

Who put it in my head that I need someone? Why was it, hell why IS it always thrown in my face that I cant do it on my own, that I need someone to support me. Why?

I am tired of crying.

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Sara Graves- Martinez
oh, juli…

past experience had showed how strong you are…. remember when you just knew there was no way you could have both the kids by yourself… and now you are doing a great job! you can be strong… we have all seen it. it is there [your strength]

please call if you need an ear… my phone is always on k

love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on October 20, 2008 – Monday – 7:03 AM
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Towel laundry

I am thinking this whole school thing is going to be a wash. The numerous projects to bring home are stressing me out. The realization that this supposed two year degree has now turned to at least a 3 year is also stressing me out. By the time I am done with school I will have an ass load of loans to pay off.

I am burnt out already and feel as if I would be just as burnt out with a smaller load. I just have no desire to bring crap home, at all.

I just want a job, thats it, a job. And a new set of hair since I royally fucked mine up last week.

I cant sleep, tossing and turning in bed trying to figure out what to do.

Its this stupid month, I am so ready for it to be over with.

That was weird

My dream that is. I dreamt that I told Jason he needed to “pay” for what he did to me/us and he broke down and said that he had, that he got caught up in a gay prostitution ring. Oh my…

Anywho, last night Boone and I went around and around again about Jason. He cant wrap his head around the fact that I dont want to see him fail. I seem to usually take the higher road and a more positive route and dwelling on something completely out of my control does no good. Plus I am not an idot, I know that if Jason fails then that will effect the kids. Whether it be monitarly or emotionally it WILL effect the kids.

He doesnt believe that. Shrug. I figured it would be attractive to have someone not constantly talk crap on there ex. Of course I get frustrated with Jason and vent about him but in the grand scheme of things its a rare occurance.

I feel better today, stayed home from school with the kids. One of which that is getting on my last fing nerve and is about to take a nap.

I hate it when the depression hits

I swear today (and last weekend) I have cried at the drop of a hat. Its so frustrating not having someone “here” to talk to. Yeah, I have plenty of great friends but convos over the phone only go so far. I need to be able to see the person I am talking to. It really makes me miss married life.

I am getting that totally overwhelmed, oh shit what do I do feeling again. School is eh, I like it but wonder if its really the direction I need to be going in. Not really school as a whole but this whole graphics thing, I love doing it but sitting behind a computer staring at some adobe program will probably get old. I am such a social person, are social people doing graphic design? I thought they would but man, when we do presentations hardly anyone says a thing and usually when they do it comes out awkward and forced.

Is something more social the way I should go. Before the graphic design thing I thought of some sort of social services route but assumed that the burden of the job would come home with me. But going to school and being such a “voice” makes me think that I should probably take that “voice” and use it for the greater good.

Now making graphics for some sort of design company with a “hippy” view would be awesome but in Amarillo, I think not. And even in a big city, yeah right. I dont want to be know for doing an awesome tampax ad dammit, I want to be known for doing something that makes you think.

I am realizing that thats slim pickings. I feel like at 28, married and divorced having 2 kids I shouldnt feel 14, lost and unable to figure out what I want to be when I “grow up”. I feel like I have to get it all done now but if I get it done now and hate it later then will it all be a waste?

Any advice would be helpful. Yall know me, tell me what you think. Tell me what you think I would be good at. Please!

About the depression thing. In my closet is the playdoh thing I bought for Ian when I was pregnant. About thirty minutes before Jason would come home I would lay out a sheet with a big piece of plexi glass on it and let Ian go to town. He would play for a while and by the time Jason got home he would be bored with it. I picked it up and Jason always shook out the sheet when he came home.

Also, the two times nicole came over…

Let me interject some info here, we had my homebirth planned from conception but no one in our families knew about it. For local backup Jason picked a friend he trusted to come be with/pick up Ian if anything happened. So a couple months before I was due this person came over a few times to bond with Ian. This person just so happened to be the person that Jason had an affair with (and it still with). Yeah, it still stings to know that he wanted this person to be there when I was in labor. The very thought of it makes me vomit a little.

…they played with the playdoh. Thus the playdoh reminds me of her and of Jason. Two things I would rather not be reminded of.

Anywho, the playdoh thing is in my closet and Ian can see it and when he sees it he asks to play with it. I cant get that playdoh down, I just cant do it. I need to throw the stupid thing away actually and get him another set. But just asking to play with it sends me into this “how things used to be” mode that I dont like.

I get stuck in it seemingly forgetting the growth and happiness that has happened in these last 7 months. Almost feeling like I would throw it all away to have someone here daily to talk to but thats silly and I know it.

I am piled with laundry, dishes and homework but have no desire to do it, any of it. But the piles of crap to do make me nervous and unable to concentrate, its like some sort of loose loose situation. I need to get up and do stuff but I am so depressed about doing it alone that its just piles. Thats not to say the house is gross but a days worth of dishes drives me bonkers. This is coming from someone that would freak if ANY dish was left in the sink for any amount of time. Use it wash it, thats what used to happen.

I just need to snap out of it, quickly. I can always tell when I am lonely, Ian sleeps with me. The 4.5 year old snoring has this sort of calming effect.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Bless your heart, you are trying to move forward with your life so fast to forget the past that it just jumps up and bites the crap out of you!
First thing I would do…GET RID OF THE DAMMED PLAY DOUGH!!! and get him so me fresh stuff! Quit procrastinating on that tidbit girl!
Get rid of anything that sets you off right now that reminds you of him or her. If you can’t bare to throw it away, PUT it in boxes, or plastic bins, tape them closed and move them to another property until you can objectively look at it and it doesn’t hurt anymore!!! I’d say at the least two years, then you should be more stable to go through the stuff and see what you really need to keep if anything. I got that from my own situation with Harleys dad…after moving out it took me two years to find myself again and feel secure and loosing the co-dependant guilt trips that I was on for so long. It wasn’t easy, I cried a lot, tried to be nice to him, but came to understand that he has his own path he has to walk and I have mine. I was trying to carry us both and I was blinded by living with his addictions.

Next, you need to take yourself out somewhere alone and listen for that still small voice that talks to us with the things we know are right for us, but that we are afraid to listen to.
That voice that gives you that feeling of truth, of the oh ya! Of the gifts that you were blessed with that will make your life pleasurable again.
Listen to life around you, listen to your thoughts away from the madness of humanity.
If you decide that you may not be going in the right carrier direction any longer take a look at what else you could do!
Your right about Amarillo…your not going to find the openness and variety like you would in a bigger city, but at the same time Amarillo is safe, small and seems like we all come back!
There are a lot of ecological things going on right now that a lot of young people are getting into. All the green stuff and all, the aging baby boomers, retirement issues, health and education issues. Somewhere in there you might find yourself!
And lastly…lighten up on yourself, get out in the sun more, laugh, sing, dance for the shear joy of being able to! Don’t be afraid to ask for help! YOu have been through a lot, and now may not be the time to load yourself up so much…and I don’t know how you feel about antidepressants and anti anxiety meds but don’t wait until it is uncontrollable to get help help in that area too!!!!
Make yourself at lest do your dishes and that might make you feel like doing something more the next day and the next!
I wish I had the right answers for you, because I truly understand. But we have to listen to our own heart for the right answers for ourselves! …baby steps!

Posted by Always Màthair on October 4, 2008 – Saturday – 11:42 PM
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leggo de Burgerac
i love you.

that is all.

you are loved and special.

know it.

embrase it.

be at peace.

you are loved.

Posted by leggo on October 5, 2008 – Sunday – 5:24 AM
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Oh I so feel for you Juli! I know how it feels. Have you considered going to Family Support Services for some counseling? I know, nobody wants to go to counseling, but I really think it could help with having someone to talk with. As to career paths, you know only you can make that decision but being an advocate (aka social worker, etc) is a very draining job and though it is rewarding, it is depressing at a whole new level. Anyway if you ever want to ask any questions about that I would gladly give you my thoughts. Well just wanted to say hi and tell you I’m thinking about you!
Posted by Kara on October 5, 2008 – Sunday – 9:40 AM
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Jibberish, thinking or shall I say typing, out loud

Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons that me and Jason’s marriage failed was because we were on different levels. He was going to school while I sat at home. Now this isnt to discredit me being a stay at home mom but maybe me staying home with the kid/s and being rather anti social (which is so funny because thats not me) while he had school put kind of a damper on things. Does that make any sense?

I guess now that I am back in school and working my ass, big toe, third eyelash from the left and uvula off I have a different perspective on things. Looking outside of the relationship (because its all but a memory now) now I wonder if Jason “going” and me “staying” put a strain on things.

Like he was moving “up” while I was just staying neutral (at least to him, I learned a lot of things through the years but it was all kid centered). I actually regressed when it came to being social.

So do relationships fail because of this? I think in a way they do, that is they do if your communication is off. This meaning people on different levels.

I know of a few people that are (or have) moving up in the world and growing up. They stop the drinking, the drugging, the partying. They made a goal and those that were not helping with said goal were cut loose. Ended friendships, broken hearts and all. But looking back it was a change that needed to happen. In the moment and for those directly affected it probably seemed like a selfish thing to do, to cut people out. But in order for said person to move on and not be pulled back they had to cut ties. And I get it, I have cut ties with people throughout the years because my relationship with them was toxic.

So where does this put me in the terms of relationships? I get now why my girlfriends are so damn picky when it comes to partners. I think, in a way, they need to find someone on their level. You dont want someone holding you back after all and yes, I did hold Jason back when it came to certain things.

Right now I am going and I am going at a crazy pace. I have a 15 hour semester load but thats kind of false. Only one of my classes is a true 3 hour a week class the other four are 6 hour a week classes. Thats a lot especially considering that I have had no one to really plan around for the last 6 years. I am rushing it to get the degree to in turn get a good job to in turn raise a family.

I dont want people around me that are not going to be a positive force, I dont have the time to drag my feet and lollygag. It would be a different story if I didnt have kids but I do and I HAVE to do this in order to give my kids what they need (ie, a roof over their heads). On the nights that I have the ability to go out (meaning I dont have school or kids) I go out, socialize and have fun. On the nights that I have school the next day and the kids then I stay home.


Because I know that going out constantly (like I did at ages 15-22) did nothing but pull me down. I had fun, yes. And would never take it back but looking back its like “duh Juli, what were you thinking”. But then again I was young and therefore thats a vailid excuse (at least to me it is). NOW I couldnt imagine doing that, still young but much more mature. I supposes its all about responsibilities and right now I am loaded down with them.

I dont know where this is going, its just been on my mind for a few weeks. I would like to think that I am a positive force in peoples lives and therefore no one needs to drop me but as the past tells I was, for at least one person, once “toxic” and therefore cut out of someones life (at least partially, he cant ever be rid of me nor me of him). Its nice being back in the realm of sane.

And I am still really enjoying school though at times I feel as though I should be farting dust. Waaahhhh. Drawing is really the only class I dont care for, its boring and for some odd reason I have yet to jump on the social wagon when it comes to that class. All my other classes are awesome though and I must say I love meeting new people. Not getting the emo thing though. <–my bob, that was a lot of thoughs…ack

Oh and Saturday I have a session for my newest tattoo. Nothing can be a painful as childbirth right? So this should be easy, snort.

Comment people, show me some love…message me if you must.


Sara Graves- Martinez

yeah… unfortunately we have to grow up… i guess i should say we ‘get’ to grow up. partying everyday was lots of fun the teenage years… but i am so over that. dont get me wrong… i love socializing and hanging out, even tossing back a few every now and then but yeah as moms we have waaaaaaay to much on our plate to try to add stuff like that. and i know what you are saying about cutting ties. i have had to do that, it is not easy, but yeah it has to be done!!

you know i am normaly to lazy to read long blogs lol!! but i must say i didnt even notice till i went back to see what i wanted to comment on!!!=]=] lol!!!

love ya honey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on September 11, 2008 – Thursday – 8:16 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Oh you go girl!
I think you pretty much laid it out. When we are young an inexperienced in life we have visions of what life should be. Sadly, what we think in those forming years what life should be
(party on dudes) isn’t the reality of what life is going to turn out to be! Each step we take, each corner we turn, each breathe of becoming closer to finding out who we are and were we need to be can be a shocker, especially if we have wasted 20 or 30 years to figure it out because we have closed ourselves off to the world. The drugs and alcohol DO need to stop for a lot of us! It clouds the life we are living and we don’t see the life we need to BE living!
I have never had very many friends, I have always been satisfied to contemplate the shadows at my side. I am not a very social person, and in my married relationship HE was all social, having to be around groups of smoking drinking, talking stupid people every day! It was dragging me down having to make decisions of not wanting to be around those people or being around them for HIM! I hated it! I was in constant conflict with myself until I finally came to the point where I found myself and said NO! THAT’S IT! I don’t have to do this! He didn’t care if I went, he was going. We never could talk, got together for the wrong reasons, were NEVER on the same level, although we had similar likes and dislikes we were not socialy compatible to be mates…we might have made ok friends but that never happened.
TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS! Man you got that one! Some never find their voice, some find it too late. Those that reach beyond to struggle and make their life better for themselves are the real winners! Being true to what we believe in, being true to ourselves! Setting a higher standard of believable reality is very important to do, before we get to the point that something happens in our lives like poor health, and we loose the obtainable.
I think you are right on track!
Posted by Always Màthair on September 14, 2008 – Sunday – 1:47 AM
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I think Ian really likes Boone

So the kids started school this past Tuesday, life at the moment is one big rush. For a sampling of the day…

Wake up at 6:30am, feed Hope and lay her back to sleep.
Take Ian out of his bed and put in my bed.
Go take a shower.
Come back to my bedroom and flick on light (its a dim light) to “wake” Ian up.
Blow dry hair.
Straighten hair.
Get Ian up, have him brush his teeth and get dressed.
Pack diaper bag.
Start the car, load in back packs and diaper bag.
Get Hope up and dressed.
Load the kids in the car.
Out the door by 8:10
Rush to daycare, its a 20 minute drive.
Drop Hope off in her room.
Take Ian to his (which is normally NOT fun).
Drive to school.
Park blocks away, dont care if anythings closer. I need the exercise anyways.
Sit in class from 9 am till 11:45
Rush to next class thats from noon to 2:45
Rush to next class thats from 3 to 4:15
Stay after class to ask questions and start homework.
Go run errands.
5:30/6 go pick up the kids.
Hopes exhausted and falls asleep in the car on the way home.
Get home, feed her.
Set her down, fix dinner for Ian and I.
Wash the dishes.
Wash the bottles from daycare.
Make new bottles.
Play with the kids for about 30-45 mins.
7:30 Bath time.
Get the kids dressed for bed.
Feed Hope, give Ian a good night kiss.
Go do homework.
And some more homework.
Turn on the tv and blankly stare.
10pm go to sleep!

Rinse and repeat…

SO, as you can read. I am exhausted but thankfully I have no time to sit down and worry so thats nice. I also have tons more patience with Ian and he is liking school. Last week they learned the letter B and Karen asked the class what words start with B and Ian made sure to say Boone. And then today we went to buy the kids some school clothes and Ian a backpack and he wanted the camo one because its like Boones. lol It was cute.

I am having a hard time not seeing the kids all that much but thankfully daycare is for just 4 days and then I get them for 3. Ians should be starting speech therapy soon, it will be on Fridays. The therapist and me think it will help him when he gets frustrated. I am looking forward to that, plus its just me and him time which helps.

New pictures are up from the past week (in the september album).

Ian got to pick out the winter hat he wants, plus if he picks it out he should actually keep it on. THIS is the one he chose, he wants one in green. lol

And Hopers gets this one. I just told her to make it as funky as she wants.

Plus we all have colds again which isnt any big surpirse considering that this weather is all wonky.


Sara Graves- Martinez
how sweet that ian loves boone so much!!!

sounds l ike you got your schedule down… thats good!

cute hats!=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on September 7, 2008 – Sunday – 9:06 PM
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I dont love you

Stings huh? Especially when its from your childs mouth.

So Ian went to Jasons this weekend, something that I wasnt terribly happy about anyways. I dont think Jasons whorefriend should be graced with the presence of my children but its not up to me.

So Saturday I am feeding Hope and decide to call Jason to see how Ian did. One of the first things out of his mouth was that he didnt love me and that he didnt love Hope. To make everything even more peachy I hear whorefriend and Jason both laugh, not correct him but laugh. Joy.

After a bit Jason got back on the phone and asked about Hope. Never once has he asked about her. I guess he needs to keep up with his fake upstanding fatherhood when around his whorefriend and in order to do that he has to ask about his daughter…you know, the one I was pregnant with when him and whorefriend got together.

So I said shes fine, pulling up, saying mama, baba and occasionally Boone. He asked, right?

Then I got off the phone, took Hope in my bedroom with Boone and just cried. I dont want to hear Ian say he doesnt love me, even if he really doesnt mean it. I REALLY dont want to hear ANYONE snicker about it when he does. That right there tells you what type of people I get to deal with.

So today Ian comes home, the first thing out of his mouth is that he doesnt love me. That shit doesnt fly with me and I corrected him all while Jasons mother came up with excuse after excuse. You know, I really dont care that he told such and such that he doesnt love them. I correct him when he does it in my presence but they are not his mother, they arent the ones scrapping by emotionally because of what her piece of shit son did.

So they left and Ian came and sat in my lap and we talked. I went over how its not nice to say that he doesnt love someone. That its makes them sad, do you like it when you are sad? The stuff any sane adult would do in the situation.


The weekend was so lazy. Boone and I really didnt do a thing. Lounged around and talked for the most part. When we finally did roll out of bed on Saturday night we went to Malcolms for some dinner and while there Ang and Karen texted us to come to the bar.

We literally rolled out of bed and threw on clothes, I didnt even brush my hair, no makeup and wore ripped up jeans but hey, who cares? We said we would leave my midnight but other stuff happened and we stayed there till almost closing. Not a biggie though, I enjoyed myself.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend. Amazing highs and low lows but thankfully I have people around me that constantly reassure me and its nice.

Tomorrow I start school.

Here is to new beginnings…

I start school tomorrow too! Woot!

Ian wouldn’t let Sarah take him out of the car seat, tried to punch her, didn’t want to be in the house and told her to leave because it’s his house and she’s not welcome. That was before he went to Lubbock, but don’t take that as me blaming you or making excuses for what he said or anything. To be honest, we both were hoping he’d treat “whorefriend” just as good and that made us laugh. Hey, a guy can dream, right?

So…what’re you taking?

Posted by Matt on August 24, 2008 – Sunday – 10:50 PM
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i’m sorry, juli. that really stinks that it happened.
Posted by sarah on August 24, 2008 – Sunday – 11:32 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It is obvious that someone planted the idea in his little head. Does he truly understand the concept of what love is? That is the seed that needs to be planted. I will always love you, even when you say you don’t love me, because you are of my body and of my heart and soul. You are my blood and nothing will ever change that…
Having to switch trains like that has got to be hard on kids, and they only know what they are told and are so innocent because they don’t have life’s lessons to guide their heart and understanding.
They become confused in what role they play, or should play, and where is home anyhow?
Them laughing as they heard him say it to you is horrific to me and instigated! No one should have to deal with that game! Especially the innocent ones who don’t know better!
It is evil and so damaging!
Do your best to teach him what love is. Find some books his level that you can read to him so he can learn to understand. Take him on walks and show him the small things that are wonders in this world, the bugs, the flowers, monkeys at the zoo. Be creative to get his attention, like seeing the monkeys hug and groom each other, and explaining that they show their love by that. Any babies with their mothers is an easy one.
Keep your heart well, I don’t know what you are taking in school, but don’t let your focus go to the problems you are working around, you know what that will do!
It will be ok mom, your love can cover all things that attack you! Remember that!
Good luck in school old lady!
God bless
Posted by Always Màthair on August 25, 2008 – Monday – 11:51 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
that sux about ian =[….

what are you taking? lemme know how your first day went… that is if you have time

you are a busy school girl now=]=]=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 25, 2008 – Monday – 1:10 PM
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I love him more now then I ever

28 weeks, 4 years and a rashy child

That link up there was from 1 year ago yesterday. Yesterday would have been me and Jasons 5 year wedding anniversary. Last year at this time I never, never thought I would be divorced. Its amazing how I was so happy yet I wasnt but had all this not happened I wouldnt have known till years down the line.

So last night Boone and I spent the evening just talking and talking and talking. If their is anyone out there that can empathize with me its Boone. While sitting out on the porch and talking I suddenly realize that it was the 22nd, which is just strange to wrap your head around.

So he leans down in front of me and says “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. Okay, faint. I didnt even know how to respond and well, I didnt except for “stop it, your going to make me cry”.

I love him, a lot. And he has shown me what love really feels like but he also knows that we are going to stay right where we are until he makes some major changes (thats not to say that I dont have kinks as well). Those that know Boone know what I am talking about and those that dont can probably figure it out.

I refuse to stay home with the kids while my other half goes out and has fun. Not in a sense that I dont trust him, because I do, but because Jason pulled that crap and I hated it. He had life and I got stuck at home with the kid.

I dont think Boone is quite ready to slow down to the pace that I would need him to slow down BUT these past few months he has made amazing progress, especially in the last month and change since me AND Ang reamed him new ones.

The thing that works so well with us is that we both tell it like it is. I refuse to be stepped on and so does he but we both have to have patience with each other. I could let him walk all over me and just go and do what ever he wants and never say a thing but well, thats how relationships fail after 9 years. I could be a bossy butt and tell him what to do constantly but again, thats how relationships fail after 6 years.

I am working on my middle ground but after 6 years of saying “jump” and the other person jumping, well its a little hard at times. Thankfully Boones the type of person that will look at me weird and say “did you really just tell me to jump and expect me to do it”.

So yeah, a year ago I thought I was on cloud nine and in my world I was. A year later I still think I am on could nine but thats after falling down to the ground, hard, and then floating right back up to the top flabbergasted at what my life has become.

THIS is why I type these things out. Its interesting to go back and look at what all has happened throughout the years. Where will I be a year from now? I can sit here and hope that certain things happen within that time but now, after all this I realize that I am not really the one in control after all.

And I am okay with that, I am okay with just letting go of control and just having faith that things will work out how they are supposed to.

congrats! i think it’s awesome that you’re happy!
Posted by sarah on August 23, 2008 – Saturday – 1:33 PM
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But for some odd reason this whole weekend has been a bit of a downer (with the exception of Saturday night pancakes). I keep thinking about the day that Jason told me he was no longer in love with me and was in love with someone else.

Its been months since I have thought about that day. The desperation of trying to fix what all had gone wrong and the realization that life would never be the same. I was, after all, 37 weeks pregnant and maybe thats why I reacted the way I did.

It just goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. I am so tired of this rollercoaster though, its not fair that I got thrown onto the ride dammit.

Ians feeling better but his attitude sucks, he came home from “Jasons” puking then a couple days later ended up at the doctor with a diagnosis of tonsillitis, bronchitis and an ear infection. Hope has one hell of a runny nose and an ear infection, pretty much cries if she isnt sleeping and grabs at her ears. Poor thing, still working on that third tooth too.

School is overwhelming and for a couple days last week I just cried in bed over the frustration of it all. I cant seem to remember whats due when, even after buying a planner. So I have resorted to a pocket pc/phone which should be coming in the mail on Thursday.

I just keep telling myself that I cant give up. I can do this its just so much harder at 28 with 2 kids…but then again I could have 4 kids, no house, no support, no car…you get the picture.

I just need to get a rhythm and I was starting to get it but then we all got sick. I hope Ian is good at daycare tomorrow.

This tattoo itches so freaking bad, duh, I am not itching it but I want to so bad. And what is with people asking if its fake? Every freaking carnie on Friday asked me if it was fake. Sheesh people.

Thursday should be a fun day. I am getting my hair cut then dinner with the girls then swinging by the theater to see Boone. Friday is cannibals opening, everyone should come see it (because I said so).

Well I am off, homework still to do as well as a couple of tests to study for. Yay

What a rush

So Ian is throughly enjoying his house and the day was so packed full of stuff to do I forgot to take pictures.

Never again, never, never, never will I change my last name again. I dont remember it being this big of a pain in the ass when I got married but it certainly is now. I have so many places to change it and the kids as well.

So today must have been the day for everyone in the city to get stuff done. Show up at tdt to change my name, address and renew (even though its a year early) my license. Good gravy the line was loooonnnnggg. Got that done.

Drove down the street and around the corner to the ssa. It was packed and just, weird. I went to change my name and the kids names. Got mine done but apparently a birth certificate for the kids isnt proof enough that they exist. So thats a no go for the time being which is a huge pain in the ass.

Then to ac to change my name, get a parking permit and buy that 142 dollar book. Ac was packed as well, line out to the door. Finally get the name taken care of, head over and buy my book, walk to the car and see Eric (Boones brother) and talk a bit then proceed to the car to the next destination.

Did I mention that EACH place took an hour and by that time I had a killer headache.

Then I went to buy school supplies, I swear the cost has doubled since last I was in school. But hey, hasnt everything? While checking out mom calls so I head home. Tomorrow is packed full off appointments as well and I am exhausted just thinking about it.

And to totally switch gears a bit…

I came along this quote last night…

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
— Erma Bombeck

Well isnt that the truth? Why didnt I come across this bit of information 6 years ago?

I feel like I am a bit jaded when it comes to marriage. I have talked about it, at length, with Boone. I thought that marrying Jason was a guarantee that he would always be there and well that certainly isnt the case. Now I am back in the boat of “its just a piece of paper”.

And I am okay with that thinking. Jason and I rushed into marriage WAY to fast and it wouldnt have happened if we didnt live in Utah. The rules for BYU housing are odd to anyone thats not LDS. He needed a place to live but the only places available had year leases, I had a house of my own. He literally came home one day and said “Jeremiah is paying for the license, we are getting married on August 22nd”. A year of dating and we were married (which for some people works just fine but for us it was just a rush that was not necessary).

Hows that for romance?

Boone and I obviously dont live together nor are we going to any time soon. He wouldnt fit in this house and I am not about to pack up my kids and move to his (although its big enough). He does call my house home though which is funny. He stays here about 1/3 of the week and thats plenty. This is the first relationship where I really am taking it “slow”. No need to rush especially since I have two people that need me more then anything.

I dont know where this is going, just rambling I suppose, waiting for him to call.

I just know that I am happy, screw white fences and prince charming’s. Live in the moment and stop rushing. I feel like I rushed to damn much and I am only 28.

I cannot wait for Friday so I can relax. Good thing I have so much to do this week so I cant dwell on Ian going to Lubbock to see Jason and her.

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