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I am SO not Cinderella…at least not this year. ;-)


Year number 5 has come and gone, that flew by faster then I thought it would.

Lets see, I can back track and play the “woe is me, my husband cheated on me and left me when I was pregnant” card OR move on cause bringing it up constantly gets really really old. Lol.

No but really, lets see what all has happened this year…

Jason, my good friend/ex husband, got remarried this past January. It took some serious getting used to. We were very close and when they started dating the distance between us grew so much that I thought I would never have that “friendship” back again. The good news though is that after I stepped back and stopped freaking out inside Jason and I still had an awesome friendship.

Go me…err…us? I supposed it takes a certain kind of person to just let go. A certain kind of person to move on and to stop dredging up the past. I am pretty certain that I could still be miserable but I am choosing not to be. But…

Do I still break down every time I relive those days?

Yes!

Do I go into a blubbering tear filled mess when I even think about it?

Yes!

Am I currently doing the above?

Yes!

And its gone.

In the short amount of time that it took me to type that, I thought, I cried, I processed and I moved on! Maybe one day I will get to the point of dodging the crying, maybe.

Anywho, moving along…

Nothing too terribly out of the norm happened this year. Krystal and I broke up, but it’s still not anything that I care to talk about, certainly not on here at least.

I suppose that brings up the whole gay/straight thing. It is also not anything that I care to bring up. I am glad I am not getting bugged about it as bad as I had thought I would. Lets just say you never know who you are going to fall for until its already happened.

My motto (even though people were not aware of it, even my best friends) was alway one that didn’t look at gender.

To me, if I dated just men or just women then who’s to say I wasn’t automatically cutting out someone who was a “perfect” match. And I use the term “perfect” loosely.

For me, every relationship I have been in has been one that I have learned and grown from. I will always believe everything happens for a reason and within that I believe that people walk in and out of your life just to teach you how to better yourself, be it directly or indirectly.

For this I am extremely thankful for my past relationships, no matter how rocky they were or how they ended. In the end I have always tried to take the high road and not the drown in the past. I can only speak of my experiences though and I would assume that a 20 year marriage would be a whole hell of a lot harder to move past then a 5 year marriage.

So lets see, Jason got married, I switched teams, and hrm…I had reconstructive surgery on my knee. Lol.

I suppose that could be a “high” point of the year. Me going 32 years and not hurting myself only to go dancing and end up with fun medical bills. Ha.

Damage was done on October the 27th. Bruised bones, torn meniscus, and a completely snapped ACL. Whoops. All for being my silly self. I have healed rather fast, but not so fast as to doing the naughty 5 days after surgery, (hahaha). I also wont be able to fit into any glass slippers for another year, the shoe doesn’t fit…I need to go buy new (flat) ones. Boo.

Oh sorry, I got off track. I will be released to full duty on January 21st, but still no heels and certainly no dancing for a while.

Ian was hospitalized once this year for pneumonia, that was no fun. It was been 1.5 years since the last hospital stay and we are hoping thats the last one, period.

Hope started Pre-K and is loving every minute of it. She has wanted to be in school since Ian started Kindergarten which made the transition to school pretty easy.

Work is still wonderful, I love the friendships that I have with my coworkers. I couldn’t imagine working anywhere other then where I work, which yes, happens to be a maximum security prison.

My relationship with Paul is wonderful, tho it is still in the “pinch me to wake me up cause everything can’t really be this wonderful in real life” part of the relationship. It sure would be awesome if it stayed this way though. It’s a first being with someone this “involved” you could say. I don’t feel like I have to hide parts of myself around him, I feel like I can be completely open and honest and get the same in return.

I am enjoying every minute of it, even the really hard ‘person that doesn’t even know me but talks about me in ugly ways’ parts. I know who I am as a person, which isn’t anything like is assumed of me.

Eh, what can I do besides laugh it off…right?

This house is usually quiet, bed time for me is usually 9, and my social life isn’t anything out of the norm for an adult single mother of two. I really have calmed it down in the last few years.

I supposed I needed to get the sadness/rage/hurt/depression/hopelessness/helpless feeling out of my system after Jason left and I do admit to having my fair share of fun times (although I was still responsible, thank you very much).

This past year has been mainly me and the kids. I have grown to love spending time with them. Not that I haven’t always loved spending time with them but things are different when you can converse with them at a higher level, play games with them and all that other stuff that comes with having kids in the house.

I never wanted to be a single mother but it is the hand that was dealt to me and I wouldn’t take it back for the world. There is a certain kind of pride knowing that I am doing it pretty much on my own. I am not living off the anyone, not the government nor my exhusband. I have the kids most of the time and I am a-ok with it. I miss them terribly when they aren’t here, even if it is just for one night.

I am so glad I have such awesome kids but I happen to know the awesomeness comes from both me and Jason and the relationship we have with one another. I speak of Morgan (his wife) in nothing but a positive light when the kids are around. The last thing I want is them feeling like they need to pick a side. They are little, I get that, but even when they are in their teens I still wont bring up what happened between Jason and I. What is in the past is in the past, Jason and I both had fault but we have grown from it and have moved on. The only thing my kids need to know is that they are loved from all sides of their families and that will never change. It doesn’t matter that Jason is remarried, it doesn’t matter if I get remarried, the love will never change.

So I guess I have come full circle again on my subject and I will leave it at that. 2012 was awesome, 2013 will be as well. No clue what the next year has in store for me but thats the exciting part about life, you never know what the next day will hold.




Beautiful


How can a word bring about such a strong emotion when it is told to you. I have heard it said to me before but never like this. Never have so many emotions come forth from one simple word. I have a hard time accepting the word. I know I can be cute and that I try to be a good person but beautiful, thats hard to swallow. I guess I am still kicking myself in the butt for my past. For a turn down a path that I still shake my head at. But also, I know that those turns made me who I am today and that I have many more in this life time. Maybe it was who it was said by, at any rate it hit me hard.

Laying in bed that night, while having my weird bimonthly swirl of emotions (I call it an invisaperiod) I couldnt stop crying. It was happy tears, but tears no less. I hate to cry, I hate to show weakness and I hate when people are around when I do. But that night, I was actually comforted and after I chose to stop burying my head in the pillow I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and acceptance and it was wonderful.

Sometimes I stop and wonder to myself if I am indeed myself or just faking the Juli I want to be. But that makes no sense, my actions are my actions and its not that I am faking being strong, its that (at least in that moment) I am strong.

I do not like being doubted or second guessed. I dont like to be told how I am feeling but that I just wont admit it. But I also dont like confrontation so if someone does put me in a corner I usually do one of two things, I cry or I laugh.

I am occasionally doubted when it comes to my feelings about the person I am dating and her still hanging out with her exs and it bugs me. Believe me, if I had a problem with it she would know, but I dont.

But here is the deal, the is the very first “ship” I have been in that I havent felt the need to control. After a lot of reflection and writing I concluded my being desperate and needy would backfire every single time. So I have been working on that but strangely, with her, its easy. She is like this breath of fresh air that I have needed for so long. I have a life, she has a life and we have a life. It doesnt feel rushed or that one person has more control over the other. And contrary to what has been suggested to me, we are both very respectful towards each other.

And if, for some odd reason you are still scratching your head over “she/her” dont, because yes, I am dating a girl. And no, its isnt some random, omg my ex husband wont take me back crap, its real and its been there since I was a teenager. Jason knew my desires when we were married, I do believe he is the only one that ever knew of them. I dont know why I kept my little secret for so long. I guess those that were really paying attention could have pinned it easily.

I am sure word has traveled all through fb land and the blogsphere but for those closest to me I actually told them. My friends and family proved to me just how wonderful they are. My ex husband, well, sigh. And my parents were rather funny about it. See, back in high school dad and I had mom convinced I was a lesbian. We had her going for a while, then one day she sat me down for the “I accept you talk” and I told her I was kidding. So of course she gave me crap over that when I told her. Dads response was that he was a lesbian too and that I made terrible choices in men. lol.

Anywho, I dont know what led me to follow through with just hopping on out but I am glad I did. I read a book a while back where I had to answer questions about my soulmate and funny enough I always used the term “they” as opposed to “he”. As if I was leaving an opening for both sexes.

So ya, there you have it, a little update. 🙂




Its amazing what typing it all out can do for a person…


I am fine, perfectly fine. So Why in the World do I keep emotionally crashing every few weeks?

I am fine one minute then sobbing the next but over the same stupid thing, every.single.time.

So how does one stop loving someone? How do you turn it off? HOW? It seems my life would be so much easier if I could put the past where it belongs and stop looking back. Or looking so far forward that I seem to miss the *now*.

It is no big secret that I am still completely emotionally attached to Jason. And I hate that I am. I hate that he is still my go to person. He is still my shoulder to cry on and in a sense, my rock. But at the same time its those very things that bring me to sobbing in bed, trying to gather myself, running fool only to eventually crash and hopefully start the everyday life motions again the next moring. And it stupid. Its stupid the situation that I have put myself into.

I need to stop going over the “what ifs” in my head. Maybe he isnt the person that completes me, maybe someone else will eventually come along. Why should I even care?

I dont think bad of myself. I think I am cute, I think I am cuter 50 lbs lighter, but still cute. I think I am loving. I think I have a good personality and a good heart. I think I am a good friend. I think I am pretty good person actually. Selfish at times, yes, but I still always try to help people when they need it. I think I didnt take the pity me path and have done pretty good since my world came crashing almost 3 years ago. I think I will be fine, I really do.

But I still cry. I am wondering if I need to find a therapist again. Someone to talk me through this stupid divorce. The question of how long I have been divorced still brings tears to my eyes? Why? Shouldnt I be happy about it? Where my life is now is nothing like 3 years ago. I have my friends back, heck I even have some new ones, I have a wonderful job, I have a new home, my children are happy, I am healthy, I have my faith back…I have myself back.

Isnt that what people strive for, happiness? And all that equates happiness. So I am happy and fine. Sigh. Also talking in circles apparently and liking the word *and* tonight. lol

Oh I crack myself up sometimes.

This is all a bunch of gibberish and I certainly feel better now that I have typed it all out and gave myself a reality check.

A few good things happened today, great things actually. I think I will focus on those for the next few days.




I really need to start updating this again


And that might just happen since I figured out how to add new posts via my phone.

So anywho, its been a while. I have lived in the new house 3 months now and I love every minute of it. It took a bit of adjusting but I dont just sit on the couch and cry for no reason anymore. Thats rather nice. I am working on sorting everything from the old house and putting it in storage, that is a rather large task. But still, here is to new beginnings.

Ians doing better, I think this last round of medicine redo will probably be the final one. We also found out that he is allergic to all sorts of foods and once we realized this it was a major ah ha moment. Beef, turkey, pork and vanilla to name a few. lol But again, answers, we needed answers and we finally have some.

Ian missed a month and a half of school this year but still managed to get promoted into 1st grade. 🙂 Poor kid, so much crap has happened in the last 3 years but I think he is dealing with it pretty well.

Hope is being Hope. She is 2 and she is just like me. <3

I am turning 30 next month and its getting to me. And not in the “I am old” sense but in the I remember dads 30th birthday sense. I thought that was soooo old when I was 8. We are so partying it up though, 80s white trash style.

I lost my job at the tale end of last month. Lets just say, wheew…what a relief. Aside from the minor “oh crap” freak outs I am pretty much okay with it. I needed another job anyways. Terribly bored though.

Its even been well past a year now since being single and again, wheew, what a relief. Boone, one of the sweetest guys you could probably ever meet and I do miss him sometimes. But also, Boone, one of the biggest assholes you could probably ever meet and I DONT miss that side. I actually hate when we cross paths (which is very very rare) because I dont want to see the “bad” side, no one does. We were just on two total planets and whether or not he would ever admit to having loved me I can honestly say I loved him. I am glad that chapter of my past is closed and thats the last I plan to ever speak of it again.

Jason and I are still doing pretty good. I really wish he would get himself out of his pickle (or as he says, his black hole). I know he got himself into it and all but it doesnt exactly make it easy. The bitchy part of me wants he dumped and heartbroken like I was the realistic part of me just wants him to do some freaking growing and I know he cant do that with anyone attached.

Well that was random. I am not feel particularly anything at the moment but did figure out my phone app, yay. Man I miss these blogs.




Well people, the day is almost here and I feel like I could cry


No wait, I might just cry actually. A smidge over 2 years ago my life was in turmoil. My hopes, dreams, desires, love, friendships, home, family, *everything* turned upside down by the one thing I feared most. *I* was a single mother. At that time I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

But…

5 years of anti social behavior. 5 years of depression that I kept pretty well hidden. 5 years of not wanting to get out of bed, having no friends in the city I lived in, never wanting to get dressed, much less put on make up. I was everything I never wanted to be but I had a veil up and to most I was the happiest I had ever been. But those that fit in the “most” category only saw me a couple times a month at the most.

Its amazing how one can convince oneself that everything is going just fine. It took me being left to realize what all I was missing in life. 2 years later I can say that the *me* now is the *me* I wanted so badly for those 5 years.

Anywho…

Friday I close on my house. My very own house (well my house is my house now too). And its hitting me that I am going to leave this house that I currently live. So much has happened in this house. For one it was my grandparents house. Oh what I would do to just have fond memories on grandma and grandpas. I have a few, like grandpas selson blue shampoo, and the trunks of barbies to play with, being pushed down the hallway in the laundry basket, sitting around the table playing rumicube but having lived in this house for 5 years those old “good” memories turn into faint memories.

When I first started this whole moving out thing it was hard for me to explain to my parents. I do live 30 feet from them which is convenient. I went from being approved for an apartment, to qualifying for 2 different mortgages with different banks, for finding an awesome house which just happened to have been foreclosed on. The whole thing happened so fast. But explaining to people why I wanted to move proved to bring up long pushed to the side feelings.

The fact is is that its hard to live here. This is where Jason and I spent most of the years of our marriage, its where it pretty much started and it where it all came to a screeching halt. I can glance at a certain spot in the living room and relive the conversation that led to Jason leaving me (the first time). I relive that conversation on a constant basis and it still hurts. No one ever wants to hear that their partner no longer loves them. They especially dont want to hear it when they are 37 weeks pregnant.

Oh I could go on but why bother, everyone knows the story and if you dont its in these blogs, happy reading.

But at the same time Hope was born here. I hate to leave the home she was born in. Its also the only home she has ever known, pretty much either kid. So many memories involving them are surrounding this house. And they are just that, memories, and they can come with us to our new house where more will be created.

But oh how it makes me bawl. I am going to be a mess of emotions when stuff is being packed and moved out. It will finally be put to rest. I will no longer lay in bed, look down the hall, and think it never really happened. I wont wake in the morning to the same old house, no longer missing certain points in the floor because they squeak. I wont have a breakdown just because my bed is moved to a spot where it was previously and that in turn brings up crazy emotions. Its kind of like a fresh start. 🙂

So for those that are reading, just like all my blogs, these are for you. I write them and reread them over and over seeing the growth in me. Its proof that things work out people. Had Jason not left me I would still be miserable. Now I am the happiest I ever recall being.

Closing is Friday at 8:30 and it should go fairly quickly. Its being paid in full with cash so I dont have to mess with mortgage paperwork. I plan on sitting in my new home for a bit, empty, maybe playing a card game with friends and just being…happy.




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