May 8th, 2011
Ive been going back and forth and back and forth wanting to type out everything for a while. I would type it all out and then go and delete it all. i dont know why I kept doing it.
Blogging, for me, is therapeutic. I used to be fantastic at typing it all out. I could rattle on and on and by the end I would have solved the problem with a few strokes at a keyboard. I dont know what I have been waiting around for. Even as I am tying this I am realizing I am rambling and should probably just stop but Im not going to this time.
Shit happens, I know this. And anyone that knows me knows that I get up and dust myself off and move the fuck on. Im always the one to say the cliché of “Everything happens for a reason”. And like every lesson in life before, the latest lesson has a reason attached to it.
I think I have finally come to the point in my life where I dont want a dysfunctional relationship. Every relationship in the past has been just that, dysfunctional. And the one thing connecting all of those relationships was, well, ME. I have always felt the need to rescue people, not intentionally but when it was all said and done and I could look back on it all I realize thats what I did every.single.time.
I dont want that anymore and because of that I am choosing to stay single. Im choosing to be that odd numbered wheel over being in a dysfunctional relationship. Im still not ready for one and its been 2 years since my last real relationship. I dont want the drama, and yes I know it seems to fall right in my lap (it is the J word after all).
I dont want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.
Just like I did in January I need to refocus and be that positive Juli that people know and love. I need to move forward and stop looking back. I cant fix people and I cant change peoples feelings on whats happened.
I have got to just let go.
I might be a super forgiving person but I realize thats a quality that a lot of people dont have.
Im tender hearted
And I cant help it…
But thats what makes Juli Juli. I need to be ok with this again. I *will* be ok with this again.
My apologies to those that have dealt with a very morose Juli in the past few months.
Many thanks for solidifying the wonderful friendships I have.
I am very grateful
And very much not alone.
The past once again has molded me into a new ever changing person.
Here is to tomorrow which will be just another yesterday.