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Its amazing what typing it all out can do for a person…

I am fine, perfectly fine. So Why in the World do I keep emotionally crashing every few weeks?

I am fine one minute then sobbing the next but over the same stupid thing, every.single.time.

So how does one stop loving someone? How do you turn it off? HOW? It seems my life would be so much easier if I could put the past where it belongs and stop looking back. Or looking so far forward that I seem to miss the *now*.

It is no big secret that I am still completely emotionally attached to Jason. And I hate that I am. I hate that he is still my go to person. He is still my shoulder to cry on and in a sense, my rock. But at the same time its those very things that bring me to sobbing in bed, trying to gather myself, running fool only to eventually crash and hopefully start the everyday life motions again the next moring. And it stupid. Its stupid the situation that I have put myself into.

I need to stop going over the “what ifs” in my head. Maybe he isnt the person that completes me, maybe someone else will eventually come along. Why should I even care?

I dont think bad of myself. I think I am cute, I think I am cuter 50 lbs lighter, but still cute. I think I am loving. I think I have a good personality and a good heart. I think I am a good friend. I think I am pretty good person actually. Selfish at times, yes, but I still always try to help people when they need it. I think I didnt take the pity me path and have done pretty good since my world came crashing almost 3 years ago. I think I will be fine, I really do.

But I still cry. I am wondering if I need to find a therapist again. Someone to talk me through this stupid divorce. The question of how long I have been divorced still brings tears to my eyes? Why? Shouldnt I be happy about it? Where my life is now is nothing like 3 years ago. I have my friends back, heck I even have some new ones, I have a wonderful job, I have a new home, my children are happy, I am healthy, I have my faith back…I have myself back.

Isnt that what people strive for, happiness? And all that equates happiness. So I am happy and fine. Sigh. Also talking in circles apparently and liking the word *and* tonight. lol

Oh I crack myself up sometimes.

This is all a bunch of gibberish and I certainly feel better now that I have typed it all out and gave myself a reality check.

A few good things happened today, great things actually. I think I will focus on those for the next few days.

Doing the happy dance

Yep thats me, shaking my butt and doing the happy dance.
I cant wait till this divorce is actually over!
I sent in my papers for the church and I am officially free. Funny how its the “only true church” yet I keep getting blessed.
I just want to skip around the house all night.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Way to go girl! Isn’t it nice to be free and actually be able to breathe for the first time in so many years? I am so happy for you. Take care of yourself and your beautiful children. 🙂 Keep smiling and dancing…
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on March 24, 2008 – Monday – 7:29 PM
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Karen Jane
I love you Julie July! Congrats!
Posted by Karen Jane on March 25, 2008 – Tuesday – 8:05 PM
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Finding the meaning

I have been reading up on this whole divorce thing,  how to grow from it and go on to live “happily ever after”. One thing that keeps coming to me is that Jason had an affair. How in the world am I going to get over the fact that my husband, Mr. Mormon was/is sleeping with another woman. The nausea that ensues to realize that while at “school” he was off having sex while I wasnt even healed yet from having baby Hope is hard to get past. So, how do I get past it? I have to get past it or else it will eat me inside.

So today I did a lot of soul searching, why did this happen? I could easily throw out that he is addicted to sex and he wasnt getting any from me. And really, that might just be the surface answer. But BUT I think that the affair was the end all. He knew I wouldnt take him back after that, I mean I would come crawling back but I wouldnt be happy. I would loose the very thing I wanted for all these years, my family and friends.

The past five years have been such a loss for me. I have two beautiful, healthy babies but I sacraficed myself, my being for them. I lost my vision and goal in life. I lost family and friends. I gained 60 pounds (yikes)! I was depressed for the first time ever and had no one to fall back on but Jason. I once could walk out the door with my head up and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. I had the funky hair and the blunt attitude that brought out the best in me.

For some odd reason when I met Jason that part of me changed and I just dont know why. Maybe its because I had just ended a relationship with someone who was once my best friend, maybe its because Ginta had just got married and I desperatly wanted that. I thought at 22 I had lived as much and I needed and that I needed to settle down. I settled down all right, I went from a partying single chick to Molly Mormon in the matter of a month. People that knew me from years past were floored that I would join such a religion, it just wasnt a Juli move.

I am so glad to be back in Amarillo. I wish the circumstances were different but I know I will be happy here. I wanted so badly to be out and when I got out I so badly wanted to be back home. I always wanted kids but I wanted them to have the life that I had. I loved my childhood, I loved having such close family and friends. Many days spent with my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Stories that will go to the grave with me. I wanted that for my kids and Lubbock just wasnt that. I had no friends there and certainly no family. Ian and I were isolated in the house all day every day and my only adult interaction was Jason (except the times when we came to Amarillo).

So the good of this divorce….

I am back, in mind and body. He cheated and thats on his plate for the rest of his life. I can not do anything to turn back time and dwelling on it is just going to bring me down.

I am finally free, no longer do I have to fake it. I have been doing so the last 5.5 years.

Its great to be home again.

My favorite poster

A few years ago, when I was working at Hastings the buyer for the accessories got me this promo poster because she knew I would love it. I did, I thought the artwork was awesome and I love Pink Floyd.

I didnt have a chance to hang it until I had moved into my own house in Provo (about 8 months after). I lived in the basement so the first thing you would see when you got to the bottom of the stairs was this poster. Jasons parents visited and they didnt care for the poster, my old room mates visited and they didnt care for the poster, a home teacher visited and he didnt like the poster. I didnt care and I left it up till we moved (which was about a month later, long story).

Then we moved here and again, I hung my poster. People from the Church visited and after a couple of weeks I took the poster down (I believe the Bishop told Jason to take it down). It made me sad, I looked past the naked bodies and looked at the artwork. Everyone else seemed to get stuck on the bodies and wouldnt even recognize the poster as “artwork”, it was actually more closley related to porn. Whatever.

Well tonight I put the poster back, its in the hallway so not to many people can see it at the moment but when we redo the living room its going to get hung again, for all to see. Its freeing actually.

————–CommentsAlways Màthair

YOu know, the first time I saw this poster I wondered…WOW, WHERE HAS THIS PIECE BEEN HIDING!!! I thought it was sooo great!! It is a partial history of Pink Floyd!! Atom Hearted Mother, RElics, Dark Side of the Moon, Wish You Were Here, The Wall, and I/m not sure, but I think the last one is Animals…What a glorious work of are in human form, in my opinion, more tastefull than a lot of other things I have seen! The only reason we started wearing clothes was we were aware, and ashamed of our naked ness in front of the Lord, and God provided cover for our naked ness and I am sure he was very heart broken that we couldn’t follow one small rule that would have kept us in paradise forever! NOt only is this a history of Pink Floyds music, but  it was shoing the years and events that this music covered. Harley has two posters, both from the Wall, one that says Mother can we trust the covernment. The other is from the part of the movie that shows the hamers marching.  If we look at it as being sick, then we are sick in ourselfves. I’m glad you didn’t let the the views of a church that allows paligamy in it’s community to take away the way that you see life! Remember, we answer to God alone!  Mum

Posted by Always Màthair on March 1, 2006 – Wednesday – 11:21 PM


Okay, so, now what?

I finally broke down and told Jason last night that I wanted my name taken off the Church records. I really thought he wouldnt be surprised, after all I havent went to church in 2 1/2 years but he was. He asked me what we will do about Ian, if he will be allowed to go to church with him and if when he turns 8 can he get baptized and then at 19 can he serve a mission. Well, yes, Ian can go to church but if he doesnt want to go then he wont have to go. If at 8 he decides he wants to be a member of the church then thats his decision, if he really feels it for him then I dont want to stand in his way. And at 19, well if he wants to serve a mission then so be it. At 19 I was doing my own thing and I figure Ian will too.

I honestly dont know what is going to happen. He said last night that all he ever wanted was to be married in the Temple. To me that seems so backwards, what about love, what about growing old together, what about finding someone with which you can tell your deepest darkest secrets. To ME thats whats important, thats what makes ME happy. Its not where we are married. I wish someone would have stopped me, not from falling in love but from joining the church. Its as if everyone around me knew it was a dumb move but no one ever told me. People that got news of me joining the church were floored, some peoples reactions were just hillarious but no one told me to back track, to stop, to think. Why? Am I that hard to talk too?

He had the nerve to tell me that if we split that he would never see me again. You know what, Fine! If you want to be a baby then so be it but hello you do have a child and if he can so easily be erased from your memory then I suppose its best to just go and never look back.

Its so odd. I dont know what will happen. I dont want this to just be band-aided over because we all know that doesnt work. I am not “okay”, I am not “happy”. I am sad and confused and mad.

All this because I dont want to be Mormon. Crazy, huh?

Happy freaking Valentines day.

Just leave me alone….

Alright, alright. At a weak time in my life I thought mormonism was for me. It took a year for me to figure out that no, actually it wasnt but unforuntaly in that time I had gotten baptized and married. It took me another year to break down and tell Jason (he was born into the religion) that I wanted nothing to do with it. Soooo many things rub me the wrong way and I know that I could never be a happy little Molly Mormon, its not me and it never really was. Okay, fine…so I want nothing to do with the church. Well that means I need to take my name off the records. Meh, you would think that people would get the drift that I dont want to be contacted but again, no. I am afriad to tell Jason that I want my name taken off the records, I am sure somewhere in his heart that he thinks I will one day go back to church but I know I wont.

I am seriously torn about the situation…..


I never went and “looked” for stuff on Mormonism. I just had a gut feeling that something wasnt right but I couldnt pin point the exact reasons. I did have a problem with polygamy, with the way women are portrayed in the Church, all the rules that just seems so odd, the way homosexuality is looked upon, the way other religions are portrayed (Mormonism is the only true religion, every one else is wrong), gosh I could go on but I have such a headache so I will stop there.

Anywho, so for the first time I looked. I looked at the sites I was warned about, I looked at the info about what goes on in the Church, I looked and I feel no guilt, I feel anger. How much of this stuff does Jason know, and if he does know how in the world can he be okay with it?

In May 1843, Joseph Smith took his twenty-sixth bride, a fourteen-year-old girl named Helen Mar Kimball. At the time, Smith was thirty-seven and had been married for sixteen years to Emma (since January 1827). Unbeknownst to Emma, Smith had been busily wedding and bedding twenty-four other women, illegally, since 1833. Apparently, Heber and Vilate Kimball, Helen’s parents, were fully aware that Emma had no idea that he had begun this practice of polygamy.

For those that are clueless, Joseph Smith is the one who “restored” the church.

“I think no more of taking another wife than I do of buying a cow.”- Apostle Heber C. Kimball, The Twenty Seventh Wife, Irving Wallace, p. 101.”

Brethren, I want you to understand that it is not to be as it has been heretofore. The brother missionaries have been in the habit of picking out the prettiest women for themselves before they get here, and bringing on the ugly ones for us; hereafter you have to bring them all here before taking any of them, and let us all have a fair shake.”- Apostle Heber C. Kimball, The Lion of the Lord, ffice New York, 1969, pp.129-30

“Now if any of you will deny the plurality of wives, and continue to do so, I promise that you will be damned.” (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 3, p. 266).

“The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy.” (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11, page 269).

I have discussed the polygamy thing with Jason before, its one of the very first things that put me off about the Church. His explaination was that God instituted polygamy for certain chosen people to populate the earth. Only few men did it and they only did it because they were told to do so by God. Jason said that if he was told to begin practicing polygamy he would do so because it was a commandment from God. Seriously, I have issues with that and I think deep down Jason does too but 25 years of a religion being forced down your throat will do that to you.
Some day I will bring these things up to Jason but right now I cant. I have only just begun the process of leaving the church and even though I know that this is the correct choice for me I dont have the strength right now to defend myself properly.


January 20, 2006 – Friday 10:51 PM

Why is it that when growing up in the little old town of Amarillo that all I wanted was to be out. I absolutely hated the oober conservative atmosphere where if you were the least bit “different” you were not welcomed. I hated it. I always wondered why the people that made it out were always coming back. Now all I want is to go back.

I moved in 2003 to Provo, Ut and wow was it a shocker. 98 percent of the population is Mormon. That means no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no cussing, little to no carbonated drinks, you must live with people of the same sex, you have a curfew….these were some of the bigger things (pretty much opposite of my previous self). It was an interesting experience and one that I would never take back but I dont think I could ever raise my children there.

Now we live in Lubbock, not all that far from Amarillo but I still feels like its a 14 hour drive sometimes. I have yet to find a like minded or even a minded person in this city (at least not one with boobs). Now I find myself wanting to go back “home” because that is where I belong. I realize now after years and years of wanting to “get out” that maybe its not such a bad place after all.

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