This perfectly sums up my married life


Sometimes my intentions were “good” (I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or worry you), most times my intentions were selfish. I paid careful attention to what I thought it was that you liked about me, and I tried to present that picture all the time. As such, I never “let you in” in any meaningful way. I always hid portions of myself from you, at first because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore, but as time went on I did it to purposefully keep you out. ~Jason

When I look back at the 6.5 years that Jason and I were together I can’t help but think of those few sentences. I would like to think that I am over it, that it is processed and in the past but it’s not. I don’t ever want to live in a fantasy land again, one that at 37 weeks pregnant is snagged from under my feet. It STILL hurts to think about and it still brings up tears and bad emotions. It was painful and embarrassing but most of all it was my life.

3 years ago the judge officially signed our divorce papers. Tonight I took a walk through a past blog as a reminder to myself of how far I have came. The desperation of those typed words still rip my heart apart and it has been almost 4 years since he first left.

But what happened then made me who I am today and it serves as a reminder that life has a funny way of working itself out in ways that are the least expected.


AUGUST 15TH, 2008
Dirty Laundry 

http://storyaboutagirl.com/?p=207

I am offically single, well in a sense that thats the box I can check from now on. No desire to check the divorced one. I got my paperwork, final decree in the mail today. Now begins the tedious work of changing mine and the kids names, what fun.And for your reading pleasure I am posting just about everything that has happend since October. Why? Because it steps ME through the pain again and lets ME see how much I have grown since then. Reading what I wrote then, how weak I was is upsetting. It brings back every emotion I had back but also makes me stronger.

Unless you are on ctt with me you have never read these, they are just cuts and pastes from the board. The dear Juli letter is finally scanned in, all of this is printed off and being locked away only to be see again in 15/20 years.

So here you have it…

Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:26 am

37 weeks pg and dh tells me he doesnt want me anymore

i dont know what to do

excuse the typos and the lack of capsi am at my parents house, they came and got ian and i last night. i didnt trust myself to drive 2 hours.

i swear to yall, i thought i had the perfect marriage, the perfect husband, the perfect father to my child/ren. it all came crashing down yesterday. he hasnt cheated per se but he is emotionally attached to another girl. he is trying to figure out if he wants to work the marriage out or if he just wants to leave. he is so blank, he doesnt love me anymore.

i dont know what to do. my parents had no knowledge of this homebirth. it was to be just me and him, he is my rock. my midwife is 2 hours away from where we live and 4 hours from my parents. i cant go back home and have this baby by myself. as dumb and selfish as it sounds i just want to find a doc here, scheduel a c section and just get it over with. no one supports my decision to homebirth and at the moment i dont have a home.

i dont know what to do with ian. jason put him to sleep every night for the past 2 years, i dont know how to even begin to explain to him that daddy isnt going to rock him to sleep every night. i have no idea how i am supposed to put ian to sleep as well as an infant. i am so dumb, i cant believe i am in this situation. dumb dumb dumb

do i stay? i want my husband back but he is just so blank to me. he says he has been miserable for 2 years. i thought the past 2 years were the best of our marriage. i dont get it, how could i be so blind.

i cant eat, i took a bite of my granola bar and almost threw it up. ians already thrown up this morning. he knows somethings up.

is this all a dream, its a dream right? the only thing missing in our lives was that the fence wasnt white.

my parents only have dial up and i keep expecting him to call and say come home, lets talk.

i want to save this marriage but is it even savable now?

i was extremely swollen, like i was with ian swollen but it has gone down. i dont want to resent this baby but i feel like if i wasnt pg this wouldnt have happened. i dont want ppd again…..or maybe i still have it.

jami, lory….someone close close to me….anybody. i hate the phone with a passion but its just me and ian in my parents house. please call me. if it keeps ringing that means i am online so just call back.

_________________
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:27
Its been a long, draining, emotional week

I feel like I need to get this out so I am typing it all up here. No one knows any of this but I need to get it out and I dont want to talk to my irl friends/family about it.So things are good with Jason and I but I have a major hang up, major. When he eventually told me that Sunday that he was in love with another women I asked him if he had done anything. He said he had hugged and held her hand but that was it.

I told myself that I could get over that and I can/did.

That sunday I told him he needed to call his dad, set himself straight and to give himself some time to think it all out. I thought he would and I thought he would do it alone.

Well no, he called her on Monday and she came over. They talked and they kissed. How in the hell is he supposed to be focusing on us if he is calling her to come over to MY house!

Tuesday is when Mom, Ian and I came down to talk. Thats when we talked it over and decided to keep on with the marriage and to continue working to stay together. He didnt mention that she came over on Monday and he certainly didnt mention the kiss. Not until Wednesday when I asked to make sure he did nothing more then hug and hold her hand.

I cannot get past this. A kiss to him is as important as it gets so that fact that he shared that with another woman, ESPECIALLY when he was supposed to be focusing on US pisses me off to no end. Then to keep it from me on tuesday when we were supposed to be talking it out just seems wrong.

I am fine one minute and then I start thinking about it and I just loose it. Burst into tears, start swelling, feeling lied too, emotional, ugly, worthless, everything I SHOULDNT be feeling, especially being so pregnant.

I sit in the living room and see it happening. All the good in this house has been sucked out. This was my grandparents house, its where I spent a large part of my life time. I dont want to think about my husband dropping me and bringing someone that has no business being here here. I no longer have the fond memories of sitting in the tub with my cousin with mr. bubble bubbles and grandpas selson blue shampoo to turn our hair blue. I no longer see me sitting in the living room playing with my 1970s barbies and blow up furniture. I dont see the happy holidays that were spent here for 24 years. I just keep replaying that Sunday and Monday, I cant seem to get past it and its killing me inside.

Jason and I talk about it every time I get to feeling this way. I was doing real good and then last Sunday it hit me hard. I couldnt close my eyes without seeing/hearing me desperately pleading him not to leave me. Since this past monday I think I have gotten a handle on replaying what happened on Sunday but I am still stuck on this kiss thing. I feel dirty, disgusting and used when he kisses me. Not all the time, not even close but sometimes it just hits me and I loose it.

I dont like feeling this way. It takes a lot to piss me off and when I do get to that point it takes a lot to get me to sit in the same room with you. I know I have anger towards Jason and I hate that I do. The love far outweighs the anger but its still there. My absolute hate and rage goes towards that girl. What kind of person would come over to my house to essentially take my husband away? He says she kissed him, that she wanted to let him know that he was “loved”. Pathetic excuse, there are no words.

He asked if he had told me on tuesday about that kiss would I still want to stick around and try to make it work. I said yes but its that he didnt tell me on tuesday when he really should have. I was lied to for 2 years. I would love to conveniently think that he “forgot” to tell me on tuesday but at this point I cant. I cant get over that feeling.

I am so scared that these feelings are going to come up when I eventually go into labor. I have no idea what will happen if they do. I dont know if I am having such a hard time moving past this because I am so incredibly, hormally pregnant or if I would react this way if I wasnt.

I feel blah one minute and then great the next. Its so confusing. And then to throw a baby into the mix of it all….

_________________

Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:35 pm

Its over, he has been sleeping with her and lying about it

I am a fool to have ever taken him back. He never talked to her and said they couldnt talk, he made that all up to please me. He has been sleeping with her since school started back up last month.** Wrote this 3 page letter of crap with no mention that he slept with her. I went to pick him up this morning so we could talk it out, thats when he told me. So I promptly detoured to the bank so he could empty the account. I made him take Ian with him so he didnt cop out. Called his dad and let him know that Jason had been cheating on me. I took his cell and the house keys. Started to drive home he said he needed to get clothes and toiletries. I told him he shared a vagina he can share some shampoo. Told him that he will have to stay in the clothes on his back for the next couple of days.I thought to myself, “I should drop his ass off in the middle of a cotton field BUT that would waist gas” so I just pulled over, in the middle of no where and told him that I will need an address to send the divorce papers and then told him to get the hell out. He asked for his cell back and I told him no and drove off.

Got home and threw everything I could into trash bags and stuffed it into the car. I also took the prized ps3 and wii. Grabbed his tooth brush and cleaned the toilet bowl with it and put it back.

Called the police and told them to watch the house for the next couple of days. Locked up the house and left. Went to check the mail and noticed he took the mail key. I went in and told the front office to watch the house and she is having the mail man deliver the mail to the office.

Drove to amarillo and the outskirts of the city are basically on fire. Just a block away a huge fire was brewing. Slight heart attack over that.

Asshole, complete and total asshole.

So ANYONE that wants to call feel free too. I cant call out because it costs my parents a lot of money. I will update the contact thread and put it here as well.

806-381-xxxx

I just dont know what I would do without you girls. Thank God we hadnt moved yet!

Any advice on how to break it to Ian or help with a divorce would be great.

I should note here that when he FIRST told me he slept with her while we were driving in the car he told me the first time was when school started. A few days later he was honest with me and told me it was actually the last day of school.

__________________

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:02 am

I called him yesterday
I am such a dumbass

I have been looking for books on divorce and all of them say to try to work it out, try to mediate you can move on with your marriage after an affair and it will be stronger. Bah, it puts that crap into my head, the we can work it out crap.So I called him, it was either him or Ginta and dumb butt me called him pleading to come back. Bang

Why do I keep doing this to myself, he isnt really what I want and never really was. I didnt get a proper engagement, our wedding day was so insignificant that I could never remember the date. I had to beg him to come to doctor appointments when I was pg with Ian plus he wouldnt stay in the hospital with me when I had Ian. Never in the 6 years did I get a card, I got a flower once because I begged him (our first vday). No birthday or Christmas presents, I bought all my own.

The past couple of days have been real hard, Ian wont let me out of his site and just calls mama over and over and over again. I get frustrated with him because I cant just get away and I know the last thing he needs is a frustrated mama that just wants to get away.

The house is coming today, thats a relief and a headache all at the same time. I get the luxury of sorting stuff. Jason wants NOTHING, nothing at all except what he came in with which is books and other random crap. So odd but I guess it makes it easy when it comes to the actual divorce.

I still cant believe this is me and my situation, it could definitely be worse but its still shocking and sinking in.

Anyone have any good bottle recommendations? I cant leave hope for more then 2 hours and their are times when I will need too. I am so scared that I am going to loose my breastfeeding relationship along with everything else but I have got to get out and have some me time. Its something I havent had in the past 5 years.

______________

Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:37 pm

I would rather be a bitch then a liar
Custody hearing was today, plus more fun stuff

Lets just say that everyone else is right, me, the one married to the idiot for 4.5 years still cant see that he is lying to me constantly. Sigh…..So the custody hearing was this morning at 8:30, three times now (in the letter he wrote me, in email and also a signed paper) he has said that he would help support us above and beyond basic custody for the next twelve months. Today we get to the court house and he tells my attorney that the max he can afford is 415 a month, he had agreed to 835. Since this was dealing with custody and not the divorce part she said she didnt know if the judge would let us get the extra 400. He also left out the fact that he tutors when he wants the cash and makes 25-30 bucks an hour at it. He has been telling me for the past month that he has no money yet every time he walks in the door he is in a new shirt and new pants. Fucker, I was already pissed because he went to abiline to meet homewreckers folks (they must be soooo proud) and didnt even bother to call and wish Ian a happy Easter.

So we go in front of the judge and he says thats all he can afford. My attorney grills him about the tutoring and he stumbles with that a bit and then asks if he is splitting rent with his girlfriend that he has been living with since we split (he wrote in his financial papers that he was paying all rent and utilities). He said yes but that he wanted his own place that way he could take Ian for visitation (we had previously agreed that he would wait for a year that way he could take both kids). Its obvious he only cares about Ian, if he does in fact get a house then he wont see Hope since she can only leave me for 2 hours.

In my financial documents I wrote out all my bills and added the midwife bill. Dumbass Jason notes that thats not my bill its his and he has said that he would take care of it, in court and under oath so thats taken care of. Love eyes

So lets just say the judge wasnt impressed with Jason in the least and at the end he said he was ordered to pay 415 a month….short pause….plus 400. :evilgrin

So thats taken care of until the divorce, at that time it could be reversed and he could have to pay the measly 415.

On to me I suppose. I finally got the internet today, its so nice having something faster then 28.8 kbps.

Its so sad, the man I thought I married and the dad that I thought my kids had is nothing more then a selfish pitiful excuse for a human. I was flabbergasted this morning when he said he would only pay 415. I really thought he would start being true to his word but its more obvious now more then ever. I feel so bad for my kids, I want them to have a relationship with Jason but its just not going to happen and me pushing Jason to be there isnt working either. He just does not care, at all.

He also told my attorney that he plans on always staying in school so 1’644 is what he will always make.

I might have been a total bitch to him in our relationship (though now that I have done some reflecting the times I called him stupid are the times that we would fight and he had just been caught in a lie) but at least I am not a liar. I am a painfully honest person, my memory is way to shot for me to try to keep up with the lies so I have always told it like it is and because of that I have some wonderful friends and great support. I dont see how he sleeps at night, I could never forgive myself if I had done what he has done.

I am so happy, I have my freak out moments but I am happy. For the first time in years I am actually in pictures instead of the one taking them and I am smiling to boot.

So thanks for reading, I am so behind on the board but I figured I would fill you all in. I feel like I shouldnt be so happy and feel so good but I am and its nice.
Who knew what divorce could do to a person.

______________

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

Thread posted “Juli”

It went as well as could be expected. He contested the extra 400 and tried to walk away with the whole stimulus check (that he has had for the past month and a half) and pinning the midwife bill on me (that he already agreed to pay in court). He also said he didnt want the kids names changed which he had previously agreed to and signed on. Everything he ever said he would do he went back on and I was fully expecting it.Firstly, It wasnt the divorce, it was a temporary hearing. His attourney (which looked like she hadnt washed her hair in a while, had a hot pink bra and wore flip flops, winner!) basically wasted our time because everything could have been mediated over the phone but she would never respond to my attourney. So we went down there to negotiate.

First he tried to settle with paying July, halfing the stimulus check with me and having me pay the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said he could give me July, August and September, all of the stimulus check and he had to pay the midwives.
He didnt agree.
He came back and agreed to July, August and giving me half the stimulus and halving the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said I would never sign the stimulus so neither of us would see that money and we would go infront of the judge at a later date and let him make the call.
Court date was set for October 3rd.
We left the building, were in the parking lot and got a call from my attorney. Came back.
He said he would give me spousal for August and September, all the stimulus and he would pay the midwives.
LOL
I agreed, have the stimulus check, signed the papers (which still have to be typed up to be official), depositing the check tomorrow. I should get the offical typed papers to sign Thursday. Friday (because I know he wont have talked to his attorney by then) when I see him I am going to tell him that I changed my mind. Just to fuck with him and see the look on his face. Of course everything will be final and I wont really take back my word but it will still be fun.

He didnt bother to change the custody which further makes me realize that he really doesnt want anything to do with Hope. Custody is set for 2 hours on 2 Saturdays a month, thats it. I of course give him more but you would think he would want it written that he can take her.

No geographical restrictions, we can move to New Zealand next month and he couldnt do a damn thing about it.

The kids will be wexxx grxxxx without the dash. He didnt want them having the dash so it will be a second middle name, idiot.

My dad, girlfriends and I laughed the whole times. Even took pictures. I am so glad its over with.

And yes I know I could have went in front of the judge in October to fight for that 400 and I know that some of yall dont see eye to eye with me over the money but I feel good with the agreement. Money really isnt an issue.

In the long run I walked out with 1600 in spousal support which in Texas is rare. 5,500 cash from the bank account, a paid for house and a paid for car. No bills except utilites, everything was paid off before we split. I could be in a much much worse position and I realize that and thank bob every day that I have a roof over my head and tons of help.

Btw, I should have a new laptop screen in a week.

______________

My Dear Juli letter, its what I woke up to on February 13th, 7am. I cant read it in its entierty, I have a couple of times but its been months. I am happily filing it away. Maybe I should just cleans myself from it and throw it away but for now I will hold on to it. I read it all as false now anyways, how anyone could ever do what he has done to one of “the best friends a person could ever have” is beyond me.

Only my best irl friends have seen this…(zoom the page to read the letter)

So here is to new beginings. I am looking forward to school and adjusting fairly well to being a single mom. Ian goes down to see Jason next weekend, I am not happy about him not seeing Hope for a month but he didnt seem to care. Nor am I happy about Nicole being in my childs life but thats something out of my control. They moved into a two bedroom last month, one room is theirs and the other is a study/Ians room. I am pretty positive that all along he has told his family that he is moving out on his own but yeah, thats certainly not the case now.

======================

The only other private blog to be unlocked is the one below…

The past 24 hours

So thats all of it, feel free to call, comment or message me. If you managed to get all this read then congrats, lets do lunch.

By the way, I no longer feel the pain that I felt months ago when I am in this house. I can safely sit in my recliner and sleep in my bed and not toss and turn reliving that day in October.




I really need to start updating this again


And that might just happen since I figured out how to add new posts via my phone.

So anywho, its been a while. I have lived in the new house 3 months now and I love every minute of it. It took a bit of adjusting but I dont just sit on the couch and cry for no reason anymore. Thats rather nice. I am working on sorting everything from the old house and putting it in storage, that is a rather large task. But still, here is to new beginnings.

Ians doing better, I think this last round of medicine redo will probably be the final one. We also found out that he is allergic to all sorts of foods and once we realized this it was a major ah ha moment. Beef, turkey, pork and vanilla to name a few. lol But again, answers, we needed answers and we finally have some.

Ian missed a month and a half of school this year but still managed to get promoted into 1st grade. 🙂 Poor kid, so much crap has happened in the last 3 years but I think he is dealing with it pretty well.

Hope is being Hope. She is 2 and she is just like me. <3

I am turning 30 next month and its getting to me. And not in the “I am old” sense but in the I remember dads 30th birthday sense. I thought that was soooo old when I was 8. We are so partying it up though, 80s white trash style.

I lost my job at the tale end of last month. Lets just say, wheew…what a relief. Aside from the minor “oh crap” freak outs I am pretty much okay with it. I needed another job anyways. Terribly bored though.

Its even been well past a year now since being single and again, wheew, what a relief. Boone, one of the sweetest guys you could probably ever meet and I do miss him sometimes. But also, Boone, one of the biggest assholes you could probably ever meet and I DONT miss that side. I actually hate when we cross paths (which is very very rare) because I dont want to see the “bad” side, no one does. We were just on two total planets and whether or not he would ever admit to having loved me I can honestly say I loved him. I am glad that chapter of my past is closed and thats the last I plan to ever speak of it again.

Jason and I are still doing pretty good. I really wish he would get himself out of his pickle (or as he says, his black hole). I know he got himself into it and all but it doesnt exactly make it easy. The bitchy part of me wants he dumped and heartbroken like I was the realistic part of me just wants him to do some freaking growing and I know he cant do that with anyone attached.

Well that was random. I am not feel particularly anything at the moment but did figure out my phone app, yay. Man I miss these blogs.




Well people, the day is almost here and I feel like I could cry


No wait, I might just cry actually. A smidge over 2 years ago my life was in turmoil. My hopes, dreams, desires, love, friendships, home, family, *everything* turned upside down by the one thing I feared most. *I* was a single mother. At that time I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

But…

5 years of anti social behavior. 5 years of depression that I kept pretty well hidden. 5 years of not wanting to get out of bed, having no friends in the city I lived in, never wanting to get dressed, much less put on make up. I was everything I never wanted to be but I had a veil up and to most I was the happiest I had ever been. But those that fit in the “most” category only saw me a couple times a month at the most.

Its amazing how one can convince oneself that everything is going just fine. It took me being left to realize what all I was missing in life. 2 years later I can say that the *me* now is the *me* I wanted so badly for those 5 years.

Anywho…

Friday I close on my house. My very own house (well my house is my house now too). And its hitting me that I am going to leave this house that I currently live. So much has happened in this house. For one it was my grandparents house. Oh what I would do to just have fond memories on grandma and grandpas. I have a few, like grandpas selson blue shampoo, and the trunks of barbies to play with, being pushed down the hallway in the laundry basket, sitting around the table playing rumicube but having lived in this house for 5 years those old “good” memories turn into faint memories.

When I first started this whole moving out thing it was hard for me to explain to my parents. I do live 30 feet from them which is convenient. I went from being approved for an apartment, to qualifying for 2 different mortgages with different banks, for finding an awesome house which just happened to have been foreclosed on. The whole thing happened so fast. But explaining to people why I wanted to move proved to bring up long pushed to the side feelings.

The fact is is that its hard to live here. This is where Jason and I spent most of the years of our marriage, its where it pretty much started and it where it all came to a screeching halt. I can glance at a certain spot in the living room and relive the conversation that led to Jason leaving me (the first time). I relive that conversation on a constant basis and it still hurts. No one ever wants to hear that their partner no longer loves them. They especially dont want to hear it when they are 37 weeks pregnant.

Oh I could go on but why bother, everyone knows the story and if you dont its in these blogs, happy reading.

But at the same time Hope was born here. I hate to leave the home she was born in. Its also the only home she has ever known, pretty much either kid. So many memories involving them are surrounding this house. And they are just that, memories, and they can come with us to our new house where more will be created.

But oh how it makes me bawl. I am going to be a mess of emotions when stuff is being packed and moved out. It will finally be put to rest. I will no longer lay in bed, look down the hall, and think it never really happened. I wont wake in the morning to the same old house, no longer missing certain points in the floor because they squeak. I wont have a breakdown just because my bed is moved to a spot where it was previously and that in turn brings up crazy emotions. Its kind of like a fresh start. 🙂

So for those that are reading, just like all my blogs, these are for you. I write them and reread them over and over seeing the growth in me. Its proof that things work out people. Had Jason not left me I would still be miserable. Now I am the happiest I ever recall being.

Closing is Friday at 8:30 and it should go fairly quickly. Its being paid in full with cash so I dont have to mess with mortgage paperwork. I plan on sitting in my new home for a bit, empty, maybe playing a card game with friends and just being…happy.




Tomorrow is a big day


Its my “babys” first day of kindergarten. I know he will do wonderful, he loves learning. I do kind of fear he will be to ahead and get bored though, he does turn into a turd when asked to do something that he already knows inside and out (like write his name).

Things are going to change a little around here in the next month. My *hope* is that Jason will watch the kids over labour day weekend so Ang and I can go to Dallas. Besides the usual I plan on getting new beds and bedding for the kids. The newest thing being a big girl bed for Hope. I think she is ready to move into a bed and I fear her climbing out (again). And plus I fell in love with the mammut collection a few years ago. http://www.ikea.com/us/en/search/?query=mammut

So Ian will get a blue bed and Hope a pink one. Yay.

And I am moving Hope and all the toys to the front bedroom and Ian and I minus the toys but add all the dressers (all clothes in my room makes more sense since I pick out everyones clothing for the next day the night before) to the back bedroom. Maybe then I can finally get him out of pull ups at night. I refuse to wake up Hope at night if Ian has an accident in the middle of the night. I can deal with waking up in the middle of the night, do it all the time, but I dont want to wake her up.

I think it will work out okay and hopefully next year at this time we will be ready to move into a three bedroom. 🙂

————–

Earlier today I took a stroll through my blogs from last August. Ha, how much things have changed. I have been officially single for 4 months today and yesterday would have been Jason and I’s 6 year anniversary. And two years ago around this time I was 29 or some odd weeks pg and freaking out over pre-e again (and “happily” married). lol. Its absolutely amazing how much has changed and yet I am okay, better now then ever.

Friday was my last day of counseling. Amazingly, I have been sane, not disgustingly depressed, great with the kids and all in all together since Boone and I broke up. I think focusing on me (and the kids) and only me is a huge help.

So tomorrow is a whole new beginning. Should be interesting…oh and the kids have dentist appointments. Its my first day of school too, but same ole faces and same rooms. My only complaint with that is finding a parking spot.




I dont love you


Stings huh? Especially when its from your childs mouth.

So Ian went to Jasons this weekend, something that I wasnt terribly happy about anyways. I dont think Jasons whorefriend should be graced with the presence of my children but its not up to me.

So Saturday I am feeding Hope and decide to call Jason to see how Ian did. One of the first things out of his mouth was that he didnt love me and that he didnt love Hope. To make everything even more peachy I hear whorefriend and Jason both laugh, not correct him but laugh. Joy.

After a bit Jason got back on the phone and asked about Hope. Never once has he asked about her. I guess he needs to keep up with his fake upstanding fatherhood when around his whorefriend and in order to do that he has to ask about his daughter…you know, the one I was pregnant with when him and whorefriend got together.

So I said shes fine, pulling up, saying mama, baba and occasionally Boone. He asked, right?

Then I got off the phone, took Hope in my bedroom with Boone and just cried. I dont want to hear Ian say he doesnt love me, even if he really doesnt mean it. I REALLY dont want to hear ANYONE snicker about it when he does. That right there tells you what type of people I get to deal with.

So today Ian comes home, the first thing out of his mouth is that he doesnt love me. That shit doesnt fly with me and I corrected him all while Jasons mother came up with excuse after excuse. You know, I really dont care that he told such and such that he doesnt love them. I correct him when he does it in my presence but they are not his mother, they arent the ones scrapping by emotionally because of what her piece of shit son did.

So they left and Ian came and sat in my lap and we talked. I went over how its not nice to say that he doesnt love someone. That its makes them sad, do you like it when you are sad? The stuff any sane adult would do in the situation.

===========

The weekend was so lazy. Boone and I really didnt do a thing. Lounged around and talked for the most part. When we finally did roll out of bed on Saturday night we went to Malcolms for some dinner and while there Ang and Karen texted us to come to the bar.

We literally rolled out of bed and threw on clothes, I didnt even brush my hair, no makeup and wore ripped up jeans but hey, who cares? We said we would leave my midnight but other stuff happened and we stayed there till almost closing. Not a biggie though, I enjoyed myself.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend. Amazing highs and low lows but thankfully I have people around me that constantly reassure me and its nice.

Tomorrow I start school.

Here is to new beginnings…

Matt
I start school tomorrow too! Woot!

Ian wouldn’t let Sarah take him out of the car seat, tried to punch her, didn’t want to be in the house and told her to leave because it’s his house and she’s not welcome. That was before he went to Lubbock, but don’t take that as me blaming you or making excuses for what he said or anything. To be honest, we both were hoping he’d treat “whorefriend” just as good and that made us laugh. Hey, a guy can dream, right?

So…what’re you taking?

Posted by Matt on August 24, 2008 – Sunday – 10:50 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

sarah
i’m sorry, juli. that really stinks that it happened.
Posted by sarah on August 24, 2008 – Sunday – 11:32 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It is obvious that someone planted the idea in his little head. Does he truly understand the concept of what love is? That is the seed that needs to be planted. I will always love you, even when you say you don’t love me, because you are of my body and of my heart and soul. You are my blood and nothing will ever change that…
Having to switch trains like that has got to be hard on kids, and they only know what they are told and are so innocent because they don’t have life’s lessons to guide their heart and understanding.
They become confused in what role they play, or should play, and where is home anyhow?
Them laughing as they heard him say it to you is horrific to me and instigated! No one should have to deal with that game! Especially the innocent ones who don’t know better!
It is evil and so damaging!
Do your best to teach him what love is. Find some books his level that you can read to him so he can learn to understand. Take him on walks and show him the small things that are wonders in this world, the bugs, the flowers, monkeys at the zoo. Be creative to get his attention, like seeing the monkeys hug and groom each other, and explaining that they show their love by that. Any babies with their mothers is an easy one.
Keep your heart well, I don’t know what you are taking in school, but don’t let your focus go to the problems you are working around, you know what that will do!
It will be ok mom, your love can cover all things that attack you! Remember that!
Good luck in school old lady!
God bless
Posted by Always Màthair on August 25, 2008 – Monday – 11:51 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
that sux about ian =[….

what are you taking? lemme know how your first day went… that is if you have time

you are a busy school girl now=]=]=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 25, 2008 – Monday – 1:10 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



What a rush


So Ian is throughly enjoying his house and the day was so packed full of stuff to do I forgot to take pictures.

Never again, never, never, never will I change my last name again. I dont remember it being this big of a pain in the ass when I got married but it certainly is now. I have so many places to change it and the kids as well.

So today must have been the day for everyone in the city to get stuff done. Show up at tdt to change my name, address and renew (even though its a year early) my license. Good gravy the line was loooonnnnggg. Got that done.

Drove down the street and around the corner to the ssa. It was packed and just, weird. I went to change my name and the kids names. Got mine done but apparently a birth certificate for the kids isnt proof enough that they exist. So thats a no go for the time being which is a huge pain in the ass.

Then to ac to change my name, get a parking permit and buy that 142 dollar book. Ac was packed as well, line out to the door. Finally get the name taken care of, head over and buy my book, walk to the car and see Eric (Boones brother) and talk a bit then proceed to the car to the next destination.

Did I mention that EACH place took an hour and by that time I had a killer headache.

Then I went to buy school supplies, I swear the cost has doubled since last I was in school. But hey, hasnt everything? While checking out mom calls so I head home. Tomorrow is packed full off appointments as well and I am exhausted just thinking about it.

And to totally switch gears a bit…

I came along this quote last night…

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
— Erma Bombeck

Well isnt that the truth? Why didnt I come across this bit of information 6 years ago?

I feel like I am a bit jaded when it comes to marriage. I have talked about it, at length, with Boone. I thought that marrying Jason was a guarantee that he would always be there and well that certainly isnt the case. Now I am back in the boat of “its just a piece of paper”.

And I am okay with that thinking. Jason and I rushed into marriage WAY to fast and it wouldnt have happened if we didnt live in Utah. The rules for BYU housing are odd to anyone thats not LDS. He needed a place to live but the only places available had year leases, I had a house of my own. He literally came home one day and said “Jeremiah is paying for the license, we are getting married on August 22nd”. A year of dating and we were married (which for some people works just fine but for us it was just a rush that was not necessary).

Hows that for romance?

Boone and I obviously dont live together nor are we going to any time soon. He wouldnt fit in this house and I am not about to pack up my kids and move to his (although its big enough). He does call my house home though which is funny. He stays here about 1/3 of the week and thats plenty. This is the first relationship where I really am taking it “slow”. No need to rush especially since I have two people that need me more then anything.

I dont know where this is going, just rambling I suppose, waiting for him to call.

I just know that I am happy, screw white fences and prince charming’s. Live in the moment and stop rushing. I feel like I rushed to damn much and I am only 28.

I cannot wait for Friday so I can relax. Good thing I have so much to do this week so I cant dwell on Ian going to Lubbock to see Jason and her.




Sooo tired


The weekend is over, well officially it was yesterday but I am all screwy time wise. For the first time in a long time I will say that I am glad its over. Friday I did nothing, on purpose. I felt the need to be really freaking lazy. Saturday was my grandmas birthday then mom watched the kids while I went out.

Firstly to walmart to buy lots of ink and paper, then to Karens to get Ang and then to the spotted pony with Ang for a really quick drink (for her not me) and back to Karens for a few games of skipbo.

Back home to get Hope and then head out to Boones to work on the script. Okay, had I known what all was left in the venture of getting the script ready I would have forgone the Ang/Karen time and just went to his house to work on it.

Get there and the file is a word file that only opens in office word. Ack, go online to try to find a key to unlock it….no go. Just ended up downloading office 07 so I could fix it the next day.

Finally, at maybe the earliest, 4am we go to sleep. WAY to late, way way way to damn late. Hope wakes up at 7:30, feed her, then again at 9ish since Erics phone went off. I knew we had a lot to get done but dragging Boones ass out of bed when he has gotten little sleep is, well…impossible. So after a bit I tell him I am leaving, if he plans on coming then come on. He says V is not up yet and I didnt really care seeing as how my kids have been woken up numerous times to get him somewhere. So I leave, no biggie. If he comes he comes, its not my show nor my actors that need scripts.

Get home, feed Hope, but her down for a nap and myself down for one as well. Have a dream that Boone walks in at 10:45…uh, in reality he did. So I wake up to V playing in the living room and Boone working on the script.

Get out of bed, install office, pull up the script and hand it to him so he can finish editing it. It took forever to print, so long that he went to the theater with the printer to finish (but someone was kind enough to go and make the rest of the copies at kinkos). Drop him off, give Caleb a hug (waaaahhh, I am going to miss him) and head home.

Since it was Calebs last night in town I figured I wouldnt see Boone for a while but I didnt expect him to walk in after 5:30am. Dayum. Came in, talked, fell asleep, woke up, fell back asleep…woke up late for work, felt like shit because of the previous few days and well…he didnt go to work (big surprise).

We laid in bed way to long talking and once again were in a mad rush to get things printed for Cannibal. Took Ian to the theater where I had no patience with him (which makes me feel like total crap), typed up the schedule and printed it.

Sigh…

Way to much rushing for the weekend and the week isnt going to be any better. So we decided that Friday he is getting off of work (Ian will be gone), coming over and we are just lounging around the house and probably turning our cells off again (its refreshing not having a phone going off constantly). I cant wait for a day to actually relax.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Wow, that was a lot in only a few short days. Hope you get the rest you need this weekend.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 19, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:42 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



One look in the mirror and I’m tickled pink


So driving home yesterday morning after dropping Boone off at work was kind of a moment in reflection. The clouds looked exactly like mountains in the far off distance and it reminded me of Utah. Sigh…

I tried to take a picture but it doesnt show what I saw, maybe it was just my imagination.

So at times I kind of feel guilty about the connection that Boone has with the kids. He has been here longer for Hope then Jason. He has spent more time bonding with her. Sometimes he is the one to go get her in the morning and if he is with me he is always the one to load her in the car. So we talked about it last night, about just how big of an influence he is to her. I know it breaks him up inside when he see what Jason does, when its apparent to us that Jason seems to only be here because he “has” to be.

Though he is accepting of the fact that he hears her first words, gives her some of her first foods and will see her first steps he still, in a way, feels bad. He has a daughter that he loves very much and that he would drop anything for so he just doesnt get Jason and well, neither do I.

She sees Boone and lights up, starts jumping with her legs until she gets him. Ba ba ba ba bb nn. Thats what she does, always.

This was Thursday night, Ian riding on Boones back and Boone crawling around on the floor with Hope.

I am working on downloading movies that I once had. Years ago I was a movie buff, if you wanted to see a movie chances were that I had it. When I moved to Utah I sold just about all of my rated R movies and then once Jason and I were married I sold the rest in order to buy him his wedding ring. That left me with about, 5 dvds…

So I am getting them back dammit, naughty naughty me. I watched Requiem for a Dream last night, by myself at 1am. Not a good move, I love the movie and knew it was intense but last I saw it was right before I moved to Utah. If there is ever a movie to keep you off drugs thats certainly the one.

The only thing “hard” I did in my past were psychedelics, to many (so much so that ceilings move and occasionally the road if I am stopped at a light for to long, eek). Never ever would I have ever done something like heroine, junkie is something I never aimed for (but then again no one aims for it). The last 30 minutes of that movie are so intense.

So I am looking forward to getting my collection back and picking up where I left off from 6 years ago.

And as you can plainly see, I have taken down my old overlay to give me some oomph to do the new one. Think polaroids and post it notes. And hopefully the layout will be okay for everyone, I know in the past that people have complained about not being able to find certain things on my page.

The font will be all me and my ugly handwritting (thank you tablet). Be on the lookout for me and my camera because I am taking pictures of my “top” friends for my page. I want silly faces dammit, the space for the pic is going to be tiny anywho.

Today is packed full of stuff to do and I still havent gotten off my butt to get ready. Looking forward to printing off a 170+ page script for 11 people.

And one more thing. My computer is always on and always downloading which is why it appears as though I am always online, I am not.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
SO..what do you charge to make copies? Of movies that is.
Posted by Always Màthair on August 16, 2008 – Saturday – 3:32 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



Weddings, divorce, death and pottery…oh my.


So you can google my name (married) and there I am.  Listed as my divorce granted.

Google my maiden name and it goes…

Grandma and grandpas 50th wedding anniversary.
Grandpas death.
Dad teaching a class for pottery.
Ginta and Stevens wedding.

Weddings, divorce, death and pottery…oh my.




Dirty Laundry


I am offically single, well in a sense that thats the box I can check from now on. No desire to check the divorced one. I got my paperwork, final decree in the mail today. Now begins the tedious work of changing mine and the kids names, what fun.And for your reading pleasure I am posting just about everything that has happend since October. Why? Because it steps ME through the pain again and lets ME see how much I have grown since then. Reading what I wrote then, how weak I was is upsetting. It brings back every emotion I had back but also makes me stronger.

Unless you are on ctt with me you have never read these, they are just cuts and pastes from the board. The dear Juli letter is finally scanned in, all of this is printed off and being locked away only to be see again in 15/20 years.

So here you have it…

Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:26 am

37 weeks pg and dh tells me he doesnt want me anymore

i dont know what to do

excuse the typos and the lack of capsi am at my parents house, they came and got ian and i last night. i didnt trust myself to drive 2 hours.

i swear to yall, i thought i had the perfect marriage, the perfect husband, the perfect father to my child/ren. it all came crashing down yesterday. he hasnt cheated per se but he is emotionally attached to another girl. he is trying to figure out if he wants to work the marriage out or if he just wants to leave. he is so blank, he doesnt love me anymore.

i dont know what to do. my parents had no knowledge of this homebirth. it was to be just me and him, he is my rock. my midwife is 2 hours away from where we live and 4 hours from my parents. i cant go back home and have this baby by myself. as dumb and selfish as it sounds i just want to find a doc here, scheduel a c section and just get it over with. no one supports my decision to homebirth and at the moment i dont have a home.

i dont know what to do with ian. jason put him to sleep every night for the past 2 years, i dont know how to even begin to explain to him that daddy isnt going to rock him to sleep every night. i have no idea how i am supposed to put ian to sleep as well as an infant. i am so dumb, i cant believe i am in this situation. dumb dumb dumb

do i stay? i want my husband back but he is just so blank to me. he says he has been miserable for 2 years. i thought the past 2 years were the best of our marriage. i dont get it, how could i be so blind.

i cant eat, i took a bite of my granola bar and almost threw it up. ians already thrown up this morning. he knows somethings up.

is this all a dream, its a dream right? the only thing missing in our lives was that the fence wasnt white.

my parents only have dial up and i keep expecting him to call and say come home, lets talk.

i want to save this marriage but is it even savable now?

i was extremely swollen, like i was with ian swollen but it has gone down. i dont want to resent this baby but i feel like if i wasnt pg this wouldnt have happened. i dont want ppd again…..or maybe i still have it.

jami, lory….someone close close to me….anybody. i hate the phone with a passion but its just me and ian in my parents house. please call me. if it keeps ringing that means i am online so just call back.

_________________
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:27
Its been a long, draining, emotional week

I feel like I need to get this out so I am typing it all up here. No one knows any of this but I need to get it out and I dont want to talk to my irl friends/family about it.So things are good with Jason and I but I have a major hang up, major. When he eventually told me that Sunday that he was in love with another women I asked him if he had done anything. He said he had hugged and held her hand but that was it.

I told myself that I could get over that and I can/did.

That sunday I told him he needed to call his dad, set himself straight and to give himself some time to think it all out. I thought he would and I thought he would do it alone.

Well no, he called her on Monday and she came over. They talked and they kissed. How in the hell is he supposed to be focusing on us if he is calling her to come over to MY house!

Tuesday is when Mom, Ian and I came down to talk. Thats when we talked it over and decided to keep on with the marriage and to continue working to stay together. He didnt mention that she came over on Monday and he certainly didnt mention the kiss. Not until Wednesday when I asked to make sure he did nothing more then hug and hold her hand.

I cannot get past this. A kiss to him is as important as it gets so that fact that he shared that with another woman, ESPECIALLY when he was supposed to be focusing on US pisses me off to no end. Then to keep it from me on tuesday when we were supposed to be talking it out just seems wrong.

I am fine one minute and then I start thinking about it and I just loose it. Burst into tears, start swelling, feeling lied too, emotional, ugly, worthless, everything I SHOULDNT be feeling, especially being so pregnant.

I sit in the living room and see it happening. All the good in this house has been sucked out. This was my grandparents house, its where I spent a large part of my life time. I dont want to think about my husband dropping me and bringing someone that has no business being here here. I no longer have the fond memories of sitting in the tub with my cousin with mr. bubble bubbles and grandpas selson blue shampoo to turn our hair blue. I no longer see me sitting in the living room playing with my 1970s barbies and blow up furniture. I dont see the happy holidays that were spent here for 24 years. I just keep replaying that Sunday and Monday, I cant seem to get past it and its killing me inside.

Jason and I talk about it every time I get to feeling this way. I was doing real good and then last Sunday it hit me hard. I couldnt close my eyes without seeing/hearing me desperately pleading him not to leave me. Since this past monday I think I have gotten a handle on replaying what happened on Sunday but I am still stuck on this kiss thing. I feel dirty, disgusting and used when he kisses me. Not all the time, not even close but sometimes it just hits me and I loose it.

I dont like feeling this way. It takes a lot to piss me off and when I do get to that point it takes a lot to get me to sit in the same room with you. I know I have anger towards Jason and I hate that I do. The love far outweighs the anger but its still there. My absolute hate and rage goes towards that girl. What kind of person would come over to my house to essentially take my husband away? He says she kissed him, that she wanted to let him know that he was “loved”. Pathetic excuse, there are no words.

He asked if he had told me on tuesday about that kiss would I still want to stick around and try to make it work. I said yes but its that he didnt tell me on tuesday when he really should have. I was lied to for 2 years. I would love to conveniently think that he “forgot” to tell me on tuesday but at this point I cant. I cant get over that feeling.

I am so scared that these feelings are going to come up when I eventually go into labor. I have no idea what will happen if they do. I dont know if I am having such a hard time moving past this because I am so incredibly, hormally pregnant or if I would react this way if I wasnt.

I feel blah one minute and then great the next. Its so confusing. And then to throw a baby into the mix of it all….

_________________

Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:35 pm

Its over, he has been sleeping with her and lying about it

I am a fool to have ever taken him back. He never talked to her and said they couldnt talk, he made that all up to please me. He has been sleeping with her since school started back up last month.** Wrote this 3 page letter of crap with no mention that he slept with her. I went to pick him up this morning so we could talk it out, thats when he told me. So I promptly detoured to the bank so he could empty the account. I made him take Ian with him so he didnt cop out. Called his dad and let him know that Jason had been cheating on me. I took his cell and the house keys. Started to drive home he said he needed to get clothes and toiletries. I told him he shared a vagina he can share some shampoo. Told him that he will have to stay in the clothes on his back for the next couple of days.I thought to myself, “I should drop his ass off in the middle of a cotton field BUT that would waist gas” so I just pulled over, in the middle of no where and told him that I will need an address to send the divorce papers and then told him to get the hell out. He asked for his cell back and I told him no and drove off.

Got home and threw everything I could into trash bags and stuffed it into the car. I also took the prized ps3 and wii. Grabbed his tooth brush and cleaned the toilet bowl with it and put it back.

Called the police and told them to watch the house for the next couple of days. Locked up the house and left. Went to check the mail and noticed he took the mail key. I went in and told the front office to watch the house and she is having the mail man deliver the mail to the office.

Drove to amarillo and the outskirts of the city are basically on fire. Just a block away a huge fire was brewing. Slight heart attack over that.

Asshole, complete and total asshole.

So ANYONE that wants to call feel free too. I cant call out because it costs my parents a lot of money. I will update the contact thread and put it here as well.

806-381-xxxx

I just dont know what I would do without you girls. Thank God we hadnt moved yet!

Any advice on how to break it to Ian or help with a divorce would be great.

I should note here that when he FIRST told me he slept with her while we were driving in the car he told me the first time was when school started. A few days later he was honest with me and told me it was actually the last day of school.

__________________

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:02 am

I called him yesterday
I am such a dumbass

I have been looking for books on divorce and all of them say to try to work it out, try to mediate you can move on with your marriage after an affair and it will be stronger. Bah, it puts that crap into my head, the we can work it out crap.So I called him, it was either him or Ginta and dumb butt me called him pleading to come back. Bang

Why do I keep doing this to myself, he isnt really what I want and never really was. I didnt get a proper engagement, our wedding day was so insignificant that I could never remember the date. I had to beg him to come to doctor appointments when I was pg with Ian plus he wouldnt stay in the hospital with me when I had Ian. Never in the 6 years did I get a card, I got a flower once because I begged him (our first vday). No birthday or Christmas presents, I bought all my own.

The past couple of days have been real hard, Ian wont let me out of his site and just calls mama over and over and over again. I get frustrated with him because I cant just get away and I know the last thing he needs is a frustrated mama that just wants to get away.

The house is coming today, thats a relief and a headache all at the same time. I get the luxury of sorting stuff. Jason wants NOTHING, nothing at all except what he came in with which is books and other random crap. So odd but I guess it makes it easy when it comes to the actual divorce.

I still cant believe this is me and my situation, it could definitely be worse but its still shocking and sinking in.

Anyone have any good bottle recommendations? I cant leave hope for more then 2 hours and their are times when I will need too. I am so scared that I am going to loose my breastfeeding relationship along with everything else but I have got to get out and have some me time. Its something I havent had in the past 5 years.

______________

Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:37 pm

I would rather be a bitch then a liar
Custody hearing was today, plus more fun stuff

Lets just say that everyone else is right, me, the one married to the idiot for 4.5 years still cant see that he is lying to me constantly. Sigh…..So the custody hearing was this morning at 8:30, three times now (in the letter he wrote me, in email and also a signed paper) he has said that he would help support us above and beyond basic custody for the next twelve months. Today we get to the court house and he tells my attorney that the max he can afford is 415 a month, he had agreed to 835. Since this was dealing with custody and not the divorce part she said she didnt know if the judge would let us get the extra 400. He also left out the fact that he tutors when he wants the cash and makes 25-30 bucks an hour at it. He has been telling me for the past month that he has no money yet every time he walks in the door he is in a new shirt and new pants. Fucker, I was already pissed because he went to abiline to meet homewreckers folks (they must be soooo proud) and didnt even bother to call and wish Ian a happy Easter.

So we go in front of the judge and he says thats all he can afford. My attorney grills him about the tutoring and he stumbles with that a bit and then asks if he is splitting rent with his girlfriend that he has been living with since we split (he wrote in his financial papers that he was paying all rent and utilities). He said yes but that he wanted his own place that way he could take Ian for visitation (we had previously agreed that he would wait for a year that way he could take both kids). Its obvious he only cares about Ian, if he does in fact get a house then he wont see Hope since she can only leave me for 2 hours.

In my financial documents I wrote out all my bills and added the midwife bill. Dumbass Jason notes that thats not my bill its his and he has said that he would take care of it, in court and under oath so thats taken care of. Love eyes

So lets just say the judge wasnt impressed with Jason in the least and at the end he said he was ordered to pay 415 a month….short pause….plus 400. :evilgrin

So thats taken care of until the divorce, at that time it could be reversed and he could have to pay the measly 415.

On to me I suppose. I finally got the internet today, its so nice having something faster then 28.8 kbps.

Its so sad, the man I thought I married and the dad that I thought my kids had is nothing more then a selfish pitiful excuse for a human. I was flabbergasted this morning when he said he would only pay 415. I really thought he would start being true to his word but its more obvious now more then ever. I feel so bad for my kids, I want them to have a relationship with Jason but its just not going to happen and me pushing Jason to be there isnt working either. He just does not care, at all.

He also told my attorney that he plans on always staying in school so 1’644 is what he will always make.

I might have been a total bitch to him in our relationship (though now that I have done some reflecting the times I called him stupid are the times that we would fight and he had just been caught in a lie) but at least I am not a liar. I am a painfully honest person, my memory is way to shot for me to try to keep up with the lies so I have always told it like it is and because of that I have some wonderful friends and great support. I dont see how he sleeps at night, I could never forgive myself if I had done what he has done.

I am so happy, I have my freak out moments but I am happy. For the first time in years I am actually in pictures instead of the one taking them and I am smiling to boot.

So thanks for reading, I am so behind on the board but I figured I would fill you all in. I feel like I shouldnt be so happy and feel so good but I am and its nice.
Who knew what divorce could do to a person.

______________

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

Thread posted “Juli”

It went as well as could be expected. He contested the extra 400 and tried to walk away with the whole stimulus check (that he has had for the past month and a half) and pinning the midwife bill on me (that he already agreed to pay in court). He also said he didnt want the kids names changed which he had previously agreed to and signed on. Everything he ever said he would do he went back on and I was fully expecting it.Firstly, It wasnt the divorce, it was a temporary hearing. His attourney (which looked like she hadnt washed her hair in a while, had a hot pink bra and wore flip flops, winner!) basically wasted our time because everything could have been mediated over the phone but she would never respond to my attourney. So we went down there to negotiate.

First he tried to settle with paying July, halfing the stimulus check with me and having me pay the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said he could give me July, August and September, all of the stimulus check and he had to pay the midwives.
He didnt agree.
He came back and agreed to July, August and giving me half the stimulus and halving the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said I would never sign the stimulus so neither of us would see that money and we would go infront of the judge at a later date and let him make the call.
Court date was set for October 3rd.
We left the building, were in the parking lot and got a call from my attorney. Came back.
He said he would give me spousal for August and September, all the stimulus and he would pay the midwives.
LOL
I agreed, have the stimulus check, signed the papers (which still have to be typed up to be official), depositing the check tomorrow. I should get the offical typed papers to sign Thursday. Friday (because I know he wont have talked to his attorney by then) when I see him I am going to tell him that I changed my mind. Just to fuck with him and see the look on his face. Of course everything will be final and I wont really take back my word but it will still be fun.

He didnt bother to change the custody which further makes me realize that he really doesnt want anything to do with Hope. Custody is set for 2 hours on 2 Saturdays a month, thats it. I of course give him more but you would think he would want it written that he can take her.

No geographical restrictions, we can move to New Zealand next month and he couldnt do a damn thing about it.

The kids will be wexxx grxxxx without the dash. He didnt want them having the dash so it will be a second middle name, idiot.

My dad, girlfriends and I laughed the whole times. Even took pictures. I am so glad its over with.

And yes I know I could have went in front of the judge in October to fight for that 400 and I know that some of yall dont see eye to eye with me over the money but I feel good with the agreement. Money really isnt an issue.

In the long run I walked out with 1600 in spousal support which in Texas is rare. 5,500 cash from the bank account, a paid for house and a paid for car. No bills except utilites, everything was paid off before we split. I could be in a much much worse position and I realize that and thank bob every day that I have a roof over my head and tons of help.

Btw, I should have a new laptop screen in a week.

______________

My Dear Juli letter, its what I woke up to on February 13th, 7am. I cant read it in its entierty, I have a couple of times but its been months. I am happily filing it away. Maybe I should just cleans myself from it and throw it away but for now I will hold on to it. I read it all as false now anyways, how anyone could ever do what he has done to one of “the best friends a person could ever have” is beyond me.

Only my best irl friends have seen this…(zoom the page to read the letter)


So here is to new beginings. I am looking forward to school and adjusting fairly well to being a single mom. Ian goes down to see Jason next weekend, I am not happy about him not seeing Hope for a month but he didnt seem to care. Nor am I happy about Nicole being in my childs life but thats something out of my control. They moved into a two bedroom last month, one room is theirs and the other is a study/Ians room. I am pretty positive that all along he has told his family that he is moving out on his own but yeah, thats certainly not the case now.

======================

The only other private blog to be unlocked is the one below…

The past 24 hours

So thats all of it, feel free to call, comment or message me. If you managed to get all this read then congrats, lets do lunch.

By the way, I no longer feel the pain that I felt months ago when I am in this house. I can safely sit in my recliner and sleep in my bed and not toss and turn reliving that day in October.

5 Comments

sarah

sarah groves
man, you’ve been through so much and i’m sorry it sucked. but i’m glad you’re happy now and that you have boone to help. i just wish that you were the one i’m still related to! it was weird reading the letter that jason wrote how he listed all the ways he would help out and then see him and realize he’s not doing anything like that….
Posted by sarah on August 16, 2008 – Saturday – 9:22 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

 

sarah

sarah groves
sorry about all the crap you went though. it’s weird reading the letter jason wrote and realize he didn’t really want to do all the things he listed to help. i just wish you were the one i was still related to. but i’m happy your happy and that you have boone to help out!
Posted by sarah on August 16, 2008 – Saturday – 9:24 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



(max 95 characters) Hahahahaha


Current mood:  ecstatic

I have got to get working on my new overlay, I have the idea in my head but I just havent had the oomph to do it. I wont have the time to do the graphics and coding once school starts so I must do it now. And I know a good 50 or more of yall read these so now is your time to send me a picture or direct me to one, so I can work on what pic to put up to link to your profile. Even if someone else is in the pic send it to me and I can cut them out (ha!).

I found a tat on bme when reading stories on chest pieces and I fell in love with it. I wanted a cherry blossom chest piece and already had an idea and one mostly drawn out but it was more contemporary (and would “match” my other tats). The one I fell in love with was a realistic version. So I pulled it up on photoshop last night and traced it with my tablet and plan on taking it into Derek for inspiration for the one I want done. Its gonna hurt like hell, I know it and I am looking forward to it. My mom called me a masochist, which makes me giggle..she is totally right though. Oh and why a cherry blossom, well it represents great beauty yet is short lived and fragile, like life itself. Click it, it will be pretty big.


And can I just say that I am LOVING the newest =w= album and wish, wish, wish I could go see them again. They will be in Grand Prarie in October…wwwwaaaahhhhh!!!! Maybe I can figure out a way to get there. Looks around for other Weezer fans (and babysitters).

I ordered all but one of my books for school, that was a rather large chunch of change. I still need to get my math book (stupid mathematicians that write expensive fing books) but I have to get that from the book store since its brand new and no one sells it online. Yay for dropping 142 bucks on a book.

But really, things are going wonderfully around here. Loving life at the moment and I am really looking forward to going back to school, its been 9 years but I think my brain still works. Then again I am a River Road graduate and well…

Hopefully the Cannibal stuff will be here by the end of the week. Boone and I spent an hour in kinkos yesterday making copies of the sheet music. Can I just say that we are buying a printer cartridge next time around which I suppose will be soon since we need to make copies of the script.

And Boones shirt came yesterday so I am sure Caleb is oh so excited. lol I am the best girlfriend in the whole wide world.




What a weekend


Okay so Jason called on Thursday while I was running my million and one errands to appologize for springing what he sprung on me. So he went ahead and took the kids for the weekend and we discussed what we would do from here on out. Now if he sticks to it is yet to be known.

Okay so he comes and gets the kids and I head out the door to r and r to meet Boone and Caleb. We sat on the couch and talked for a while before Boone and I split so he could shower and get ready, got ready, swung by to get Ang and headed to rubys.

So it was our 10 year reunion and it was well…interesting. I suppose for a good percentage of people that read these that didnt go to our school you wouldnt get it. A good portion of us went from 1st grade to graduation together and then ones that entered along the way well, I remember their first day.  I think 96 of us graduated and like every school there was cliques.

Friday we met at Rubys which is one of my favorite places to eat and walking in was hilarious. Yeah, yeah, immature if you will or hell, having a sense of humor…we were sitting at a big cock and balls. It was fan-freaking-tastic, we sat at the balls. Woot! We tried to get a picture but it just wasnt working out all that well but two pictures in my album kind of show it. Anywho, after an hour and change we mostly all mingled and talked and had a good time. We left and went to r and r where I went boobs to moobs (man boobs) with Caleb.

I was actually looking forward to Saturday night even if 2 things that I really dont like (country and bbq) would be the main thing.

So sat we show up fashionably late, bbq seriously squigs me out and I dont think I could take watching people eat it. Anywho, a cock and balls in a smallish room equals party time. Emergency room lighting, cafeteria seating (seriously!) and frat house furniture (btw, I cant believe I am the only one of my girl friends that has ever been to a frat house) in a big ass room equalls…well…a blah time so I might as well make a few people laugh. Hell I wasnt even drunk, not even close but I am sure people thought I was pretty well lit (not that I gave a damn).

We left, then went to play pool and then to Denny so I could FINALLY get my pancakes. Dropped Ang off at home and then headed home. Stayed up till 7am talking with Boone till we eventually passed out.

Jason dropped the kids off rather early, he could have stayed much later but <  insert something rude here>. Whatever. Ian played outside while Boone and I sat on the porch and Hope napped. I let Boone read my dear Juli letter and the lies and by the end of it he was shaking with anger. I wasnt shooting for anger I just wanted him to see the mind games that Jason played with me from day one. He didnt realize just how much he did (mentally) until he read that letter.

We both have baggage, I am sure everyone does, but we each know eachothers baggage and hopefully we can work through it together. I dont think that a single friend of mine was giddy about Boone and I dating at the begining, after all it was really fast after Jason and I split BUT I think most if not all now see that we are good for each other. No one else could I imagine moving forward with the way that we have moved forward but I really think this whole everything happened for a reason.

So today we sat around the house, I drove back to the theater to do something for Boone and by the time I got out my tire had gone flat. This is the second one in 2 weeks, there has got to be something in my driveway that I am running over. Can I just say driving to go get air with two kids in the car is a major pain in the ass, especially if I have to stop on the blvd to get the air. I have a full size spare but I really didnt want to change my tire.

So all in all the weekend was fun. Do I think that things could have been better reunion wise? Yep, sure do. But hey, a good portion of us showed up and it appeared as though we all had fun so I suppose it was a win.

I am so ready for bed!





So last night sucked, I had the worst headache I ever recall having and they were pretty gruesome when I was on clomid. I was at the point of throwing up and nothing I did (dark room, no noise, saline rinse, hot towel, cold towel, unkers, standing on my head, walking around, lillac) was making it go away. I texted Boone around midnight saying my face hurt bad from crying so much and he never replied back.

And then 30 minutes or so later he shows up at my door. Squeeeee…..

I looked like shit, he told me I was beautiful. I had a runny nose and wouldnt kiss him and he said he didnt care and to kiss him anyways dammit. I couldnt stop crying and the headache just would not go away. He just hugged me and told me it will be okay, that he loves me, that he loves my daughter and that he loves my son and he is so happy that I love him.

After sitting and talking it out and uh…other stuff, the headache went away and I  passed out in his arms and slept wonderfully.

Now I have at least 8 places to go to today (yikes) and I am meeting him for lunch. Today will be a much better day, every time I get stomped down I just get that much stronger from it.

And I just love my profile pic. Its not Boone falling asleep pressed against my head, he actually had just whispered I love you in my ear. I dont know what it conveys to people that see it but I know what it conveys to me and anyone thats around us can see just how much he loves me. Its so sweet if not a little nauseating to others at times.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Beautiful…absolutely beautiful.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 10:43 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
=]=]=]=]

i love it!!!

and the pic thing, that one is my fav… i see a man in love and it looks like he is smelling the hair of the most important woman in the world to him!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 11:00 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
that’s what it’s all about!
Posted by Always Màthair on August 10, 2008 – Sunday – 4:37 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



Why why why why why why why


One of these days I will get it through me thick head that Jason is not to be trusted one damn bit. How anyone would want anything to do with him is beyone me, what in the world is he telling people to keep them around. He is like that little turd in the toilet after you flush that keeps poping up (sorry, that made me laugh and I really need that).

So dumbass calls today talking to me as if nothing is wrong. Tells me he will take the early (short)bus here and will pick up the kids around noon. I say thats fine. Asks when I want Hope on Saturday and I asked if it was for the two hours I said I would watch her. He informs me that he is bringing her back on Saturday, that it is to hard to have both kids (boo fucking hoo). I said no he is taking both both nights like we have been doing for the past couple months and he tells me he only has to see her for 2 hours on Saturday. We got into it from that point on.

Anywho, it just further sinks in to me how much he doesnt want his daughter. I feel like some whore who has different baby daddys and is trying to get them to be a dad. Its hard to believe that I was happily married for years and that in order to get pregnant with Hope in the first place I had to go on fertility drugs for a few months. You would think he would want his daughter but he doesnt.

I am sure the story will get told that I am keeping him from her and I am sure some pathetic people around him will believe that.

You know its sad, many people out there want desperatly to have kids yet its losers like Jason that actually get that gift and stomp on it. He gives dads that want to be there a bad name and he is the type of person that drive people crazy that really want kids.

So now I get to deal with one child thats abandoned and one child that has major entitlement issues (JUST like his sperm donor).

He is so worthless and he is ugly (inside and out)…and he was bad in bed.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
HA HA HA…. i almost didn’t see the last part…=] that was funny!!

sorry he sucks so bad!! maybe one day he will grow up!!

so how does he think you take care of two kids? does he think you have nanny or something????????

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 12:13 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

Cheyenne aka Mommy
I know what you mean about Jason, believe me. It is sad but I am sure the kids know you are an excellent mother and they love you for all that you do for them. Keep fighting girl. He will get what he deserves someday…and then he will regret his decisions. 🙂 Loved your last little point there. Great one.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 7:22 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

Matt
I want kids, not yours, but kids. Jason’s strange. I don’t think he doesn’t want Hope, but he gets overdramatic about things. Maybe since he has SOOOOO much going on right now (sarcasm) he doesn’t feel like he has time to constantly monitor her, which is what you do with infants. Anyway, I’m not trying to take sides, I’m just trying to think like he does…and throw that out there. Woot. The last few paragraphs (last line) made me laugh ouot loud. LOL, hahaha, LOL, I’m so internet tech. n00b.
Posted by Matt on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 11:47 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
well…I don’t know, but I was thinking if you are concerned of what impression he maybe giving others that you could use your blogs to show what you have been personally dealing with to someone…I don’t know what you want from the divorce, wether you want him to have an amount of custody and visitation, or if you want him out of the picture and child support. I know you said he is filing, but you need to be protected too. It sounds like there is going to be drama between you all for a very long time like this. I am sure it stresses the kids when they are separated since it sounds like they have become very attached to each other. Ian is not the blind child anymore, he is older and sees what is going on, making things harder for him to deal with, the back and forth, the rejection(be it real or just heart felt).
Don’t give in to the mans excuses anymore! And don’t force the kids to see him if they don’t want to. If the experience they are being subjected to is not a positive one it will only scar them more. And try not to show your disapointment, anger and resentment toward him, especially in front of the babies.
Don’t try to figure out why…it doesn’t matter, and you have the power to make the choices in these childrens lives untill they can make their own. Two hours? If he can’t make it something special, why bother. And I would give Ian that same choice.
But that is me Julie! Harley was always my child, my blood my heart and soul of what I wanted from life as a child myself, and and I made it the best I could for him, I gave him myself, always there for him, always open and honest for him, always supporting him in everything he did that I could possibly be a part of. This isn’t just for babies, but struggling teen years, young adult years…that one constant figure that a human growing in turmoil needs. It’s for life, to the end and beyond the grave as far as I am concerned.
For your children, YOU make it the best, positive and enlightening experience on this planet that you can! You won’t regret it! That’s what is important! That they know they have at least one constant connection through their life that will be honest, caring , loving and protective that they can run to no matter what! It gets easier as they grow, when they can intertain themselves, then it gets hard again when they don’t have the answers they need to lifes problems…but this is what it is to be a parent, and you grow right along with them!
I hope you can start to see the better side of being “mom” and not so much the short side off…the donor. We learn by our mistakes, and we go forward. Keep going forward Julie! The best of your life hasn’t happened yet believe it or not!
I wish nothing but the greatest in your life journey and for your children! May there be much happiness in each step you all take!

We are all blessed, sometimes we just don’t see it through the heat and humidity.
I hope nothing I have said offends you in anway! I never intend to bring harm when I start writing books!

Posted by Always Màthair on August 10, 2008 – Sunday – 4:23 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



My kids are so cute


Ian and Hope can go anywhere in the house and they do go throughout it all day. So Ian comes running into the living room a bit ago squealing with delight that he put Hope on his bed and they were jumping on it (yes I let my kid jump on HIS bed). So I walk in there and sure enough she is on his bed, happy as can be, crawling all over it.  It was so cute but I reminded Ian to not pick up his sister and put her in places that she cant safely get off of.

They get along so well and it just makes me so happy to hear him say he loves her, to see him crawl all over the floor with her and play hide and seek with her. But constantly he changes his tune to tell me that he loves me and not miss hopie, ugh. He also told dad the other day that daddy didnt love him (Ian). Ugh, ugh…he certainly has never heard that before and dad told him that yes he does and to not ever say that again.

Kids are weird.

I am looking forward to the weekend and especially sleeping in. Either Boone or me have had our kids every weekend since mid May which equaled no sleeping in (for me at least). On the weekends that he has V I am woken up by her jumping on me in the mornings “JULIIIII!!!! I want to give you a hug”. Its cute.

Its also my 10 year reunion and I am looking forward to that as well. Hopefully I dont have to drag the kids with me to Rubys on Friday but I never know when Jason will actually show up.

Divorce is really close to being final, as far as I know the only thing that needs to be done is the judge to sign it. Not looking forward to changing my name on everything, blah. But I want my last name back and I plan on keeping it from now on and I dont care if that slightly irritates anyone…smith is boring anywho.

Lego Indiana Jones has reached the point of pissing me off. One treasure chest is left, just one and the game seems to have a glitch in the level where it is. Everything else, characters, mail. everything is done, grr.

Oh, and I dont know if my last blog read as I have regretted anything but I dont. I am not that type of person and I am very happy with where my life is at the moment.

I also dont feel sick anymore, it was definitely the heat and having this new ac has helped a ton.

Previous Post: FinallyBack to Blog List | Next Post: Why why why why why why why

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
aweee….. your kids love each other!! mine love each other also… but i do NOT remember amber and i loving each other like that……..

love that you are sooooo happy!

love you lots!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 5, 2008 – Tuesday – 6:48 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]




I have a new installed lcd, not really anything I ever want to do again. Way to many tiny screws and I was a nervous wreck installing it (scared I would break the new one).

Also have a new ac thats NOT a swamp cooler, the house feels much much better.

And I heard back from the craptv guy letting me know when the screenplay and sheet music for Cannibal! will be sent. Not as early as I would have liked (it was 12 shipping) but at least its going to be here though really late.

I am so freaking tired…still.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Glad your LCD screen is working now! Welcome back to blogging. 🙂 Hope you get some well deserved rest soon.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 31, 2008 – Thursday – 9:19 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

Matt
You’re kidding me. Cannibal! the musical! I watched that the night before I got married.

The sky is blue, and ALL the leaves are green, the sun’s as warm as a baked pa-ta-toe. I think I know precisley what it means, when I say it’s a sphdoinkle day!

Something like that. Oh that movie is funny.

Posted by Matt on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 11:37 AM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



Ramblings from the weekend


So the weekend was good for the most part. I stayed home the whole time which means no break from the kids so by Sunday I was pretty much on edge. Thankfully Boone kept me centered, it was a good day just sitting around and being together. He fed Hope for the first time and it was so cute. Ian didnt want anything to do with me and pretty much attached himself to Boone all day, so much so that he would sit down in the floor next to him and kiss his cheek and tell him he loved him.  Awe.

It was just a good feeling, it felt right. Now all I need is a decent air conditioner and I would be even happier. I love weekends where we just sit around with the kids.

And to switch subjects…

I think everyone at some point in time has a reset button hit, its just that some peoples buttons really turn your life around. I hit a reset when I met Jason and I will stick with the old saying that everything happens for a reason. I thought that was the final big change in my life which obviously it wasnt.

Since I have been back here I have met up with various friends from my past and just about all of them have fallen off track and gotten back on (or are working towards it). Its so odd hearing from someone that you havent seen in 5-8 years, hearing their journey of ups and downs. I wish their were some sort of split life where you could see what would have happend if you had chosen the other path but then again its probably best to not look back.

CrazyRED
IMO It isn’t necessarily about the destination, but the journey you take to get there. No regrets, Juli. Life is too cool to be mired in regret.
Posted by CrazyRED on July 28, 2008 – Monday – 9:52 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

Cheyenne aka Mommy
I like to think I have learned from my past and am working on a better tomorrow. I am thankful for the mistakes I have made then so I can enjoy my life now. I just know if I hadn’t gone through the hellish 10 years I had, I would have never had my beautiful children nor would I have met my husband now. 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 28, 2008 – Monday – 10:06 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Lean not unto thy own understanding…

I wanted to be a professional artist and had the chance to go to Taos and be tutored by a very famous artist that lived with my moms cousin. I am still not sure when I look back that not letting me go because of their homo fobia was the best thing for my life, I would have loved to live in Taos in the artist colony back in the late 60’s. I know what my life could have been instead of struggling through all the other crap. I might have not contracted Hepatitis-C, nor have cirrhosis if I had that chance, nor applying for SS disability at 55…but I would have never had Harley, and lived through all the hell his life has been and I think I would have really missed having all his friends be adopted children in my life and watched them grow the same way I did through the experience of life as it is.
We do learn, and grow by our life path. The big thing to me is not to regret what could have been, because it never was! But it is interesting to look at the road behind us and where the road is taking us…
and to use the words of Mr. Garcia, “What a long strange trip it’s been!”

Posted by Always Màthair on July 29, 2008 – Tuesday – 4:21 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



The List of lies


The blog Lo has been unlocked
April 30, 2008 – Wednesday- Lo

The following is a thread I posted on my message board. In my dear Juli letter Jason states that he listed lies, these are the lies. Some are tiny, actually up until Nicole they were little things but the last paragraph sums it up for me.

The man I thought I married was just a facade, I dont know if that makes this whole thing easy or hard to swallow.

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 9:39 am

I would normally blog about this but seeing as how I still need to get divorced I am sharing it with you all. I saw him yesterday and made him email me the list.


Its so hard to say good bye and I feel so used and betrayed. He slept with her at least 15 times in the last month, heck not even a month. I just want to puke.

I am meeting with my attorney today at 3pm, he has no clue. The house should be moved down by friday.

Day 1: first date before Ginta and Steven married.

-didn’t ask you out again because I was afraid all I would want to do is make out and stuff.

-during the summer, I dated 3 girls, including Naomi.

-when we got together in August: between August and November I was out with Naomi 4 other times, holding hands, kissing and all.

-when we broke up, it was because I wanted to date somebody else (not Naomi). Bad plan, so I came back after a short time, and told you that I “didn’t want you to join the church just because of me.” I did it so that if you didn’t take me back, at least you wouldn’t hate me.

-briefly entertained the thought of dating Stacy instead of you (you once asked me if I had, and I told you “no.”)

-in December, before going to Utah, I went out with Naomi another time (this is what I told you about over IM while I was in Utah).

In Utah:
-I wasn’t excited about you coming up to Utah, because I was afraid that if we broke up that you would a) hate me, b) be stranded up in Provo with no friends. (I told you that I was very excited)

-I consistently lied about my workload for classes. I always told you I had no homework so that we could hang out, because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

-I entertained the thought of dating another girl in one of my classes, but I kept that to myself. Nobody (not even her) knew about it.

In Amarillo (with my parents)

-I contemplated an anullment twice (only in my head. I told nobody, and it was not suggested by anybody)

-When we house-sat for your grandmother, and I would go to my parents to use the computer, I just did it so that I didn’t have to be in the trailer. I didn’t feel comfortable there. Work/School Applications/side projects and all the stuff I told you I was doing was a lie. Sometimes I just played video games.

In Lubbock (before grad school)
-I was never ok with skipping work or school to take you to the Dr.’s office (granted, this was before I knew that you had “white-coat” syndrome, so this was more an act of ignorance on my part than an outright lie).

-When Ian was born, I tried to get out and go home to shower or go to school because I couldn’t stand being in the hospital. It wasn’t because I had to finish assignments.

-I would lie about finances so that I could curtail your spending on cloth diapers, because I figured it was easier than talking to you about it. I would then lie again so that I could convince you that we had the money to buy something I wanted (games, dinner, whatever)

-About half the time that you couldn’t reach me on the phone was because I turned it off, not because there was no signal or the battery died. I would have rather stayed with my friends or finished work/homework.

-I enjoyed it when you were absorbed in your message boards, because I figured that you would start to need me less.

-During this entire time, I would mentally keep track of all the things you did that I disliked. Instead of bringing them up when I should have, I chose to sit on them until things exploded. This way I could bring them up and use them against you. I figured it would make you want to leave, or it would make you give in to whatever it is that I wanted.

Then there is the situation with Nicole.
We kissed for the first time around the middle of October. I think it was the day that you and I argued about the number of calls/messages I was using on my phone. We would go out to lunch frequently (if I ever bought, I tried to use the Capital One card). If there was a long break between classes, we would sit in the library and read poetry. If we ever left school at the same time, we would talk on the bus. We would kiss before getting into our cars and heading home.

When you went to go to Amarillo, I did nothing, except sit around for an hour. The first person that I called was Nicole. I asked her to come over, and I didn’t call Dad until she came over. She was present for the majority of the phone calls you made that night. Then she came over the next day as well.

When you told me to cut her off, I did attempt to have that conversation like you asked. But while talking, I decided that I did not want to do that, and the two of us determined to be friends and just not tell you. We would keep it at school. I lied about everything that I told you she said, and every exchange that we had thereafter.

We communicated only at school thereafter.

I did, in fact, know that those two texts were Nicole’s. In all honesty, however, I was telling the truth about their contents: I did forget one message, and the other was about her needing a ride to her car because she drank too much the night before.

Nicole was assigned as my TA for school. I knew about this during finals week (second week of December). I didn’t tell you, because I figured you would either try to make me change the teaching assignments, or hound me every day about my activities. I figured it was easier to lie than to deal with that.

The last day I was at school in December (the 17th or 18th) is when Nicole and I had sex.

We communicated via e-mail the entire winter break.

The Tuesday before school started, we had sex again. I intended to do work, and I did some work. I just did other things as well, instead of coming home early.

I knew that you would have preferred that I stayed home on MLK day. I would have rather been at school working, though.

When I was unable to sleep at night, and started leaving for school at 5:30am, I would only go to school and work about 60% of the time. The rest of the time I would go to Nicole’s, and we would talk or make breakfast or something, and go to school afterwards.

All of this is not including the daily mix of lies about pornography (even after I told you about it), our finances, even how my day went. Sometimes my intentions were “good” (I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or worry you), most times my intentions were selfish. I paid careful attention to what I thought it was that you liked about me, and I tried to present that picture all the time. As such, I never “let you in” in any meaningful way. I always hid portions of myself from you, at first because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore, but as time went on I did it to purposefully keep you out. I also want to make emphatically clear that I have never lied to you about Ian or Hope; how they have behaved, how I have behaved with them, how I feel about them, or anything of that nature.




Because I know at least one person is curious


This is all about Boone for those curious as to how we even got together.

I had a crush on him at 14 and for almost 14 years we were separated only by a person/s (mutual friend/s). I heard plenty about him through out the years and he heard plenty about me as well.

We “met” last year around Easter, him and Jason butted heads rather badly.

We “met” again a month and change later at Kites party and we really connected. And this is Boone we are talking about so by the end of the night when everyone but me, Ang, him and Kite were gone they stripped down. Okay, those that DONT know Boone wouldnt understand, those that do probably wonder why it took so long for the clothes to come off. I am not shy with nudity, the human body has never been anything to make me uncomfortable and I dont equate nudity to sex, never have and never will.

We continued our conversations through out the night. Nothing happened between the two of us except that we connected, so much so that I knew that talking to him again would be a bad thing. Not because I would cheat but that the conversations we had would have best been spent on Jason so WE could connect again.

And that was that. When Jason and I split in October I didnt even think of contacting Boone because I desperatly wanted to fix my marriage. When we split again in February I didnt talk to him until I knew we were over a month later.

And sure enough, when we “met” again we fell for each other to the point of no return and months later we are still together (sorry ex girlfriend that I am assuming reads these, you cant have him back).

For months I felt guilty about fallling for Boone last year. Nothing happened between us but I still felt bad about it. I felt that somehow me connecting with another male that way somehow gave Jason an open to connect with someone else. And yes, I was honest with Jason and told him about Boone.

Then, a couple of weeks ago I was talking with Jami on IM and she helped me (just one of the many times) see that maybe both of us connecting with someone else was proof that things really werent all that grand. And she is right, the only difference between me and Boone and Jason and Nicole is that I (I should say we, Boone would never help be a product of an affair) stopped anything from happening between Boone and I and Jason continued his relationship to the point of an affair.

But things had been off with Jason and I from the begining. He had thoughts about me that were so deep that I had no clue about until February. I didnt realize until it was pointed out the hate he had for me.

He strung me along until he found someone that would “save” him and it took him almost 5 years to do so.

So there you have it.

sarah

sarah groves
now i know that when i meet boone i need to leave before the clothes do! 🙂 (and since boone probably reads these: hi boone! i’m sarah!)
Posted by sarah on July 18, 2008 – Friday – 2:17 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
my curiosity has been satisfied…..

=]
=]
=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 18, 2008 – Friday – 10:02 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



1am and finally…


1am and finally getting to sleep. Note to self:when child closes the door and puts himself to sleep expect sleep not to happen and total nudity.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
hee hee hee…….
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 18, 2008 – Friday – 9:56 PM
[Reply to this]  [Remove]  [Block User]



0 visitors online now
0 guests, 0 members
Max visitors today: 1 at 12:46 am UTC
This month: 5 at 06-19-2021 05:46 am UTC
This year: 7 at 03-16-2021 03:12 am UTC
All time: 97 at 10-12-2019 05:29 pm UTC