October 5th, 2010
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For the past 3 years my Octobers have been horrible (well more then 3 actually). So I decided last night that *this* October will be a great one, I will see to it. If I go into the month down then it will indeed be a down month. So to just lay it all out, to get what goes through my head out I will type it and be done with it. For October will no longer be a month of dread.
Jason broke up with me (2002).
We got back together after 2 weeks, max (2oo2).
I joined the Church in October (2oo2).
We moved to Lubbock (2oo3).
I got pregnant with Ian (2oo3).
Jason started acting really odd (2oo7).
Told me he no longer loved me and was in love with someone else (2oo7).
Did I mention I was 37 weeks pregnant?
He moved out (2oo7).
I freaked out (2oo7).
We decided to try to make the marriage work (2oo7).
I left Boone (2oo8).
Jason and I started repairing everything that went wrong (2oo8).
Confusion of being in love still set in, big.time (I will leave it at that).
Ian had his tonsils out, which I stayed with Jason and his parents while Ian healed. It was almost like being married again, spending that much time with him on that constant of a basis threw me into some “what if” depression (2oo9).
So needless to say my Octobers have been eventful. But now that Im reading it its not so bad. lol. I am over the affair crap from the most part so yeah, October should be fine from this point on.
That and I already have a couple of big plans which I am oh so excited about.
Single, single, single. And thats probably not changing anytime soon.
But everyone assumes that Jason and I are A) married B) dating C) reconciling.
And that simply isn’t the case. I love him and always will but we are nothing more then friends at this point. I love catching people off guard and telling them that we are divorced, its funny to see the reaction.
A few weeks ago when Ian was in the hospital the nurse happily asked us how long we have been married. I laughed and answered that we have been divorced for 2 years. She apologized profusely and I said its fine, we are just friends. Then she asked if we were reconciling. hahahaha
Seriously, a nurse, who has seen us for no more then an hour (adding all the time in the room) assumes that we are a happy little couple. And the thing is, is that I get that constantly, the questions constantly.
It doesn’t bother me but no one seems to ask Jason the question. Its like everyone sees it but him but at this point that really doesnt surprise me.
It just makes me giggle because I was asked at church if we were married again (and Jason wasnt here this weekend). I really hope I dont exude “I am taken, dont even think about trying to talk to me” vibes. I guess its better than “I am desperate to have a man so take me now” vibes, right?
Anywho, rambling. I am so ready for Friday to come and to listen to conference…
Ian finally has a loose tooth and boy is he happy about it. He’s making a card for the tooth fairy.
I occasionally have a “woe is me” moment when it comes to my life but I quickly snap out of it. I dont *like* being single but I dont *dislike* it either. I think I would be fine had I not had a marriage with a husband that was really close to me. Thats what I miss, companionship, someone to talk about the storm rolling in, a kiss, a hug, a touch. But not having those things is what makes me miss being married.
The single part isnt changing anytime soon but its also no where near my focus. But when I step back and think about the overwhelming role that my future husband would need to fill, well, its overwhelming. He has to love me, and the kids, and my family. Well okay, but my family is huge and *family* includes Jason and my in-laws. Is that an impossible role to fill? Nope, I dont think so but its going to take one special person to fill it. Besides, I read it on a piece of paper, made just for me, 8 years ago January.
So how exactly do I “snap out of it” so quickly? By standing back even further and looking at the bigger picture. In this last 2.5 years I have learned to love myself. I have learned that my attitude affects everything, including the kids, and how I am treated by everyone. I have learned that the grass can be green on either side of the fence but that it has to be watered, I cant just stand there idly and watch it brown all while wishing it was green. Besides, if I hopped the fence and I again just stood there it would eventually die too.
This whole thing is a process, I have many downs but I have way more ups. I can do this and I know I can because I already am doing it.
So this, *this* is why I love my life. Because I know everything will work out. I look forward to every day and what it brings. I am blessed to have what I have and who I have in my life. They all play special roles, roles that I am eternally grateful for but I am also bad about vocalizing. No ones going to want a depressed, woe is me, Juli. Well someone might but they will be a depressed, woe is me, person and thats just about the last thing I need.
I am working on redirecting bad habits and I fail sometimes, boy do I fail. But I fail when I loose focus, when the “big picture” slips by. Anywho, as I have said time and time again, I am happy about where my life is and I am happy about where its going. I am redirecting my focus that was all but lost for a number of years. Its all part of a bigger plan after all and if I knew the outcome it just wouldn’t be as much fun.
He needs to get an eeg but he freaks out at the attempt. We’re still waiting on a doc. But he’s better and temp is staying down.
Got back some results. Cat scan and xray are OK. White blood count is higher than normal. He is having resistance when his chin is moved to his chest. Doc is worried about meningitis. Ian is getting a spinal tap. We don’t know what caused the seizure. I its not febril, he is over the age and his fever wasn’t high enough. But he is talking, alert and aware.
Although he is in trouble just about every day he certainly has fun… Now if I could just get him to stop the talking.
She passed out somewhere around six I think, hasn’t woke since.
This time she got under the comforter…
And in that 5 days I am going to finish my house up. Everything is pretty much unpacked but I still have pictures to hang. And then done, finally done. Have I mentioned how much I love this house? :p
All these new chapters keep opening in my life. One of which is potentially a pretty long one. But no one knows about that chapter, no one will for a while. Its my secret and I am not a secret keeper.
I am so grateful for my family and friends. I am grateful for my lessons and for what those lessons have taught me. Even the ones that I didn’t want to go through.
Just blabbering here. But yeah, I am happy. Oh so *very* happy.
I don’t even know where he got the scissors.
So I am laying here looking up at the pull cords on my fan. The longer one is the light portion, the shorter controls the fan. The fan is on full blast and because of that they are dancing around, almost rhythmically. But every once in a while they start getting caught up in it all. They move crazily, out of sync and they distance themselves. And then it happens, the shorter one takes a little leap and wraps itself around the other one as if its hugging it. And then they both calm down for a moment and pause, with one cord wrapped around the other. Then they unwrap and start going crazy again, the cycle repeats itselfs.
Silly cords, are they ever going to learn their lesson? Or are they just destined to dance around each other with only moments of pause.
Its the pic I was trying to take before dropping my phone in the water. Good news, phone works fine. Lol
And that might just happen since I figured out how to add new posts via my phone.
So anywho, its been a while. I have lived in the new house 3 months now and I love every minute of it. It took a bit of adjusting but I dont just sit on the couch and cry for no reason anymore. Thats rather nice. I am working on sorting everything from the old house and putting it in storage, that is a rather large task. But still, here is to new beginnings.
Ians doing better, I think this last round of medicine redo will probably be the final one. We also found out that he is allergic to all sorts of foods and once we realized this it was a major ah ha moment. Beef, turkey, pork and vanilla to name a few. lol But again, answers, we needed answers and we finally have some.
Ian missed a month and a half of school this year but still managed to get promoted into 1st grade. 🙂 Poor kid, so much crap has happened in the last 3 years but I think he is dealing with it pretty well.
Hope is being Hope. She is 2 and she is just like me. <3
I am turning 30 next month and its getting to me. And not in the “I am old” sense but in the I remember dads 30th birthday sense. I thought that was soooo old when I was 8. We are so partying it up though, 80s white trash style.
I lost my job at the tale end of last month. Lets just say, wheew…what a relief. Aside from the minor “oh crap” freak outs I am pretty much okay with it. I needed another job anyways. Terribly bored though.
Its even been well past a year now since being single and again, wheew, what a relief. Boone, one of the sweetest guys you could probably ever meet and I do miss him sometimes. But also, Boone, one of the biggest assholes you could probably ever meet and I DONT miss that side. I actually hate when we cross paths (which is very very rare) because I dont want to see the “bad” side, no one does. We were just on two total planets and whether or not he would ever admit to having loved me I can honestly say I loved him. I am glad that chapter of my past is closed and thats the last I plan to ever speak of it again.
Jason and I are still doing pretty good. I really wish he would get himself out of his pickle (or as he says, his black hole). I know he got himself into it and all but it doesnt exactly make it easy. The bitchy part of me wants he dumped and heartbroken like I was the realistic part of me just wants him to do some freaking growing and I know he cant do that with anyone attached.
Well that was random. I am not feel particularly anything at the moment but did figure out my phone app, yay. Man I miss these blogs.