I was undergoing a mess of emotions that, back then, I thought I would never be able to process. I was scared shitless, my heart was totally broken, I was betrayed, lied to and pretty much tossed to the side for someone else. Hope was 2 months old, Ian was 3 and I was a single mother. *I* was a *single* mother. I would love to forget glancing at the kitchen table, reading a letter that my then husband had left on the table for me to read. I would love to not have a rush of emotion every time I think about reading that letter.
I was stunned.
I was lost.
I was alone.
But I packed up my crap, drove me and the kids to Amarillo and tried not to look back. Jason was my everything, I didnt know how to breathe without him. And up until a few months ago, even almost 3 years after he left he was still my everything. I seemed to not be able to function without him and it was pathetic really. He seemed to only want me for one thing which, in a desperate attempt for him to take me back, I always gave it to him.
And then I stepped back, I realized that maybe I didnt need him after all. I started reading books like crazy. I desperately needed to get myself together on way more then a superficial level. I can talk a good game. I can put this smile on and fake my way through the day like its second nature. I did it for years and I could continue for years. But I didnt want to, I didnt want to be that scared little girl on the inside anymore. I was tired of doing what was expected of me. I was tired of caring what people thought of me. I was tired of living an image that on the inside tore me apart, it wasnt me.
So, with a deep breath, a promise to myself to be myself and tons of little notes taped to my mirrors and walls I started the process to match the inner and outer Juli. And thats where I am at right now and I must say its a blast.
I am not going to hold myself back for fear of being rejected anymore. And amazingly, since starting this process my relationships with people have grown much stronger. And my relationship with myself is amazing. I smile constantly, I smile because me on the inside is so happy. I made positive life changes and plan on keeping them around for the long haul.
Yes, I have changed. And no its not because of anyone but myself. And I am not desperate to find love and am rather insulted that anyone would think that about me. I know quite a few people that fall into that desperate category and that I am not. I attached myself to Jacob, this is true. But it wouldnt have happened had I not had a bond to him from years past. It wasnt a mistake, I certainly dont regret it nor do I regret keeping a certain someone else for the past few years. It is what it is and its shaped me into what I am today.
So yeah. I am still doing that little dance through the metal detector at work. I still have a goal to put a smile of people faces on a daily basis. I am still a great mom. I still have great friends (which after the past couple days I realize just how wonderful they truly are, I am blessed). I am not going through life grasping at straws of love. I am following what has been in me for years and I am actually calm, for the first time in a long time.
So yeah, 3 years ago today I started on this amazing journey of life. I would like to thank Jason for the ticket and the boot in the ass to make it on the train. lol