It always helps me to just type this all out and since yall said you liked following I will put it here instead of a private blog.
Jacob dropped out of my life yet again, which I assumed would happen. I am pretty tore up about it because I dont know what I could have done different, I think we are just meant to *not* be.
I hadnt seen him since he left Saturday. I called Sun, Mon, Tues (and texted) and got no answer. Screw it, whatever, he is avoiding me so just move on.
Then last night I was at a friends (the house we were at Friday night) watching old videos from crazy times. After the last video ended Tim stood up and was walking around all weird like. He started unplugging the vcr and I noted that I had told Jason I was staying until 11.
Then he just sat down all confused like. He said Terrah is on her way over (Terrah is Jacobs ex). Well great.
He noted that she saw my fb pics, sent one to him and one to Kevin (and I am assuming Jacob) ripping into him.
He noted she was bringing someone and that it was probably her cousin.
I said no, its probably Jacob. He laughed it off and texted her to see who was coming. Sure enough, it was indeed Jacob. Her reply to him was “dont judge, Jacob”.
So then Tims phone rings and da-ta-da-taaa its Jacob. I tell Tim to give it to me and I answer totally knocking him off guard. We talk for a bit, he notes the drama and I say it wasnt me. He said he knows, thats it all him, that we slept together and that he has never had a “fuck buddy” and that its screwed him all up. He tells me he just wants his Juli back and I say I just want my Jacob back.
Poor Tim is on edge thinking he just royally screwed up, I gave the phone to him and he went back to talk to Jacob. Came back and said what all Jacob had just said.
Then about 10 minutes later Jacob calls back to talk to Tim making sure I am okay.
And I was.
Until right before I left.
And lost it totally on the drive home.
And today I have cried all.day.long.
And ate all.day.long.
I texted and asked him to call and he wont. I just need to talk face to face with him.
I am overwhelmed with sadness and I dont really know why. We were such good friends but he left me years ago when we started to fall for each other and he seems to have left me again once he started to fall. Its something about me, he wont allow himself to fall for me. And really, we could never be more then friends. He is still a kid and he has no desire to grow up. I am a kid at heart but I can still be a responsible adult.
I just wanted my friend back and he moved it to a level where I freaked out about it but he really freaked out. I dont know if we can be “just friends” again, I know I can but I dont think he is emotionally mature enough for it…blarg.
I started reading http://www.amazon.com/Love-Will-Find-You-ebook/dp/B002S6UNMY/ref=pd_ybh_5?pf_rd_p=280800601&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_t=1501&pf_rd_i=ybh&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=02JGTRBNXHX40NG628M8
tonight on my Mac/kindle.
http://www.amazon.com/Keeping-Love-You- … X40NG628M8
Is set to be ordered when my stupid new debit card comes in the mail (I thought I lost it)
Its pretty obvious that I am attracting the same type of person over and over again and I would say its come full circle since Jacob was the first to have ran away. Hopefully these books will help. I need to learn to love myself again. No one but me can make me a better person. I need to be okay with being the single girl.
And to make things even more weirdly complicated I have had this crush on this person for months now but I refused to admit it. I am admitting it now…and its a girl. Very weird for me. Every time I see her at work (she is an officer at the front gate, so she pats me down) I get this weird school girl crush feeling. Just this week we started really talking, we can stand there and just smile and talk to each other. I have NO idea where that is going but I can tell no one here because we have mutual friends and I dont want to make it weird for either of us or weird at work. But she has really pretty eyes, see… http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000049713622
I need a name for my soap opera of a life…and a forum.