April 25th, 2011
I dont know why I have been putting it off. I always blog to help myself get things straightened out in my head. Maybe I fear typing things out wont fix things. Maybe I fear that I dont seem to have the answers. Maybe I fear that I have lost touch with my dreams and goals in life.
Right now everything is a fog and I hate it. It seems that every 6 months or so something triggers me to step back from everything and reevaluate what in the world I am doing. It feels like in the process of discovering myself I have also lost myself. My drinking has gotten out of hand. Not in the sense that I sit at home with a drink (cause I’ve never done that) but in the reality that I have drank myself into a haze multiple times over the last few months. A haze that for the first time in my life I wish I could take back.
Im not a regretful person. Bob knows Ive done some stupid shit in my life but Ive always taken something from it and moved on. Ive always been able to figure out why it happened, process it and move about my days. But its always been me and my actions alone, this last time it wasnt. But at the same time I cant be accountable for someone else, only myself. I know this! And if I know this then why am I having such a hard time processing and moving on.
Actually I think I am having such a hard time with this because I know what the end result is and thats a loss of a friendship. A friendship that I dont feel deserving that I loose but I dont control other peoples lives so I should just accept the fact that it will never be.