January 9th, 2011
2010 wrapped up in a way that I never would have imagined, I came full circle in a cloud of emotions that were tucked into a tiny part of my being that I was to scared to release.
A connection with a person from my past.
A desperate attempt to be someone who I once was.
And ultimately a loss of that person again. But this time I wont hold on to that person for 11 years.
I will move forward, I will live in the moment.
If even for a few weeks I had a return at some level of who I once was and who I wanted to spend time with.
It was a reminder to myself of the type of person I want and the type of person I don’t want.
And it’s okay that he is gone because he was here for just the amount of time he was supposed to be here.
I came full circle, got what my heart craved so many years ago and was then released.
I am okay with that.
I have a terribly bad habit of going back, of thinking of times past when life was so much easier. When taking whatever illegal drug available was no big deal. When dancing in the rain was one of the best things in the world. When having people walk in and out of my life was something to be expected. When living with 15 people in a one room apartment was fun.
And all those things formed who I am today but they aren’t who I am today.
And who I am today might not be who I am tomorrow.
I am ever evolving.
I am learning day to day.
I am doing a little dance through the metal detector at work.
And looking into peoples eyes, for longer than a glance.
I am reaching out to new people and bringing those close to me closer.
My weight doesn’t matter.
My stupid acne at 30 doesn’t matter.
My clothes don’t matter.
My hair doesn’t matter.
My past doesn’t matter.
Only now matters.
Nothing I do or don’t do can keep people in or out of my life.
Everything, absolutely everything, happens for a reason.
People come and go at the times they are supposed to come and go. I might not understand why at that moment but I will eventually.
And to this I bid adieu to my past life for it was my past and it will always be so.
Here is to a fantastic road ahead.