January 28th, 2010
Its been a rather long time since I have posted a blog. I wish during all the time that I didn’t have internet that I would have went ahead and just made a word document of random thoughts.
Quickly catching people up here. I changed my degree to Business. I am in the process of looking for/buying *my* first home. New/old friends/acquaintances are reappearing. I am turning 30 this year and its freaking me out. Yes people, I occasionally go to church…yes, that one. Lol Still feeling anti people (mostly new girls) and would rather just be around my close friends. This year, I will lose this 60 pounds I gained since getting pregnant with Ian. Girls weekend trip is coming up and I am stoked. And now on to my normal ranting long winded blog.
Its been a crazy past few months and those that know me – know me, know that October, November and December are my hardest months. Heck throw in February as well.
And this February will mark the 2 year mark that Jason left me (and I left HIM on the side of the road). In a way I cant believe its been 2 years, its flown by but dragged on simultaneously. At any rate I think I will be okay this Valentines day, I really do.
I just finished Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I have watched it before (but I was “happily” married) and borrowed it from Ang right after I moved back to Amarillo. It sat up on my entertainment center for almost 2 years before she snagged it back. I just didn’t think I could watch it and it not really screw with me, that is until now.
Watching that movie makes me miss being in love but it also makes me fearful of it happening again. I don’t want to loose track of my goals, I don’t want to babysit an adult why they drink their life away, I don’t want to give it all I have only to be left in the long run anyways. I don’t want to love, have love slip away and then be told it was never really love. Gosh I still have a LOT of pain and frustration when it comes to that flipping word.
Last weekend I was speaking to an acquaintance about this whole love thing. He mentioned (he is just now coming out of a divorce) that he never wants to get hurt again. I just shook my head at him. I know its still very fresh for him (as well as me) but to tell yourself that you never want to be hurt again is to say you will never take a risk.
When I look back on my relationships I was hurt, and hurt again and hurt even more so after that. I think Boone and I’s relationship was more “hurt” then Jason and I’s. But I think the main reason for that was because I jumped from divorced to in a relationship within a month. And that right there is my problem.
Up until this last few months I never gave myself time to sit back and feel the “hurt”. I jumped from relationship to relationship never giving it more then 30 days in between. I didn’t want to feel unloved, I didn’t want to feel hurt. I felt it but I had someone to lean on of the opposite sex and I leaned SO much that I never processed it fully.
Lets see, so its been a little over 9 months since Boone and I broke up. Yay for me. I plan on keeping that single status for a while longer. It’s a lot easier to sort stuff out in your head when you don’t have new stuff coming in.