Story About A Girl

So tonight I really broke it down to Boone that “we” are no longer. I did it on Friday night but I think he thought I was just saying it. A few hours later he called trying to get me to repeat it again and I refused saying we would discuss it when he was sober.

Saturday he came over (without calling first) to get his stuff. I tried to talk to him, I really did. But it was just met with blank stares and things being turned right back around onto me. I asked if he had anything to say and he said he wasnt in the mood to talk.

He asked if he should take his clothes and I said it was up to him. We kissed and made plans for that night. He left and I had some reflection. I broke down to him, said what I needed to say and the only thing he felt the need to do was turn it around on me.

Thats not what I need, it isnt fair that the sober one is always wrong and the completely wasted one is always right. I admit to being wrong on occasion but not all the time, I am not stupid.

So he comes over tonight. We talk and he finally got that we were over. I wish him nothing but the best and I wish he would take my friendship but he wont. Its all or nothing or as he put it, I dont want to best buds I want you for a relationship.

I cant have that right now. The amazing ups in our relationship were when he was sober and the amazing lows were when he was drunk. I cant sit around hoping for sober days that lately have been few and far between. I cant let his problems become my problems thus making life for my kids that much harder.

I feel this huge weight off my shoulders. The last words he said to me while walking out the door…

I love you.

And I know he does, I just hope he doesnt turn around and hate me for this. I didnt throw in the towel, I offered a great friendship and he wont take that. Its not healthy for me to be in this situation. I just need some time to myself.

I am.

I wont apologize for trying my hardest and getting crapped on in return. Its not fair.
I try to talk and he wont talk back, it all gets turned back around on me. Its all my fault according to him. But hey, whatever. I am sure it will all get turned around that i didnt try and that i just up and left but i did. I love him but its not healthy, i need to not be so damn boy crazy.

I can do this on my own.

Do I really leave boone or do i give him one more chance.

What do i do?

I have been looking forward to this weekend, I think somewhere around here might be a blog about it. Boone and I were supposed to spend the weekend relaxing, talking and resetting, it was VERY much needed.

Instead I am sitting here at the computer crying my eyes out while he is with a friend. So much for resetting, right. I need support dammit, I need someone to be here for me. Last time he didnt spend a night with me it was because he wanted to spend it with his fucking cat. That made me feel like crap.

He knows I am depressed but he wont talk to me about it. He gives me no reassurance that everything will be okay.

He drinks to much, entirely to much. And in the beginning he was great about it being a rare occurrence (the drinking to stupidity) but within a couple months he was back to the Boone that everyone knows. We would come home and he would make me feel like shit and I kept excusing it away. I told myself that he was making improvements (and he was) and that I would stick it out hoping that he would get better.

Ha, he seems to be getting worse. I am scared of him when he gets really drunk. Literally I shake and have at points been in tears and dont want to be alone with him. I try to talk with him about it and he blows it off as if its not a big deal. I wont wake him when he is passes out which has made for him sleeping in my car a couple of times.

He thinks his friends have put all this crap in my head about him and the truth is is that they havent. Stuff was brought up in the first month of us dating but we have never sat around and had a pow wow talking about his behavior. He seems to think everyone is out to get him. Thats silly though, if all his friends have this opinion (that seems to run the same from person to person) then maybe its not that they are all wrong, maybe its that they are all RIGHT.

Fucking a, do some reflection and stop blaming everyone for your behavior.

I can do this, I can survive, I am a strong person and deserve so much more then what landed in my lap. It sucks because I love him, I really do, and I know he loves me but this destruction of my being is not worth the love. I know this so why cant I just release him.

I feel like karma is kicking my ass big time. I was mean to Jason, I admit that, I reflected on it and changed my ways last October. He didnt know how to react to that and just left me. I didnt deserve that at all and my kids didnt deserve it either but it happened and I cant take it back.

But now I feel like the tables have been turned and now I am the one that is put through verbal abuse but so much worse then I ever was to Jason. Its not fair, or is it?

The worst part of this night is that I broke down in front of Jason. Boone called right when I was handing over the kids and I just lost it. I dont want to appear weak to him, I dont. Yet there I was bawling in front of my ex husband asking him if I was such a bad person. He offered a hug (because I was there for him when he needed it a few months ago) and I turned it down.

How fucking confusing would that be to be bawling in my ex husbands arms over my current relationship. I just wanted to melt into a big puddle of “take me back, please”. But then his dad walked in so I grabbed my pizza (he brought me my fave pizza from lubbock) and left. With tear filled eyes I occasionally pulled over on the side of the road to wipe them so I could actually see.

Life was so much easier a year ago, I wish I could just reset it all. I am so miserable with my life right now.

And yeah, I am leaving this here for all to read. Its stuff I have kept inside that only Ang really knows about. I know she is at the point of wanting me to just leave him, she sees/hears it all. She spent the night with me the night he chose the cat over me.

I just dont know what to do, or maybe I do but I am to scared to do anything about it.

On another note, last night in my insomnia stay up past 5am crying stage, I talked with someone that I hadnt talked to in years. We have said things back and forth but not talked talked and it would have been better to be face to face but still it was nice to reconnect. I cant believe after all these years (8 or 9) that he still remembers me biting his head off about something stupid, so freaking stupid. But once he brought it up I remembered it clearly, man I was such a bitch once upon a time. You see, we went to the warped tour and when we got to the hotel that friday tony ran out to the car to get some stuff and accidentally left my trunk open the whole night. The next day before the concert there was my trunk, wide open and I threw a fit about it and from that point on our friendship faded away.

Silly huh? Me freaking out of such a trivial thing, nothing was stolen and freaking out did nothing but make things worse. I seem to have a bad habit of that.

So heres to old friendships seen in a new light.

I feel like no one will ever want me again so why even try to move forward. But my current situation is bringing me down more then up. I hate this, when did I become so scared, weak and timid? I promised myself that I wouldnt let this happen but it has. I try to explain it away but its becoming obvious to everyone that this isnt working.

Who put it in my head that I need someone? Why was it, hell why IS it always thrown in my face that I cant do it on my own, that I need someone to support me. Why?

I am tired of crying.

When shows are over he always hits a sad bump in the road, after all it is the end. And with all the shows before I didnt really get it but I do, at least in some sense, get it now. It feels like yesterday that I ordered the screenplay and music, went to kinkos to print up entirely to many pages, copied cds of the music, typed out the schedule.

I really enjoyed the show and the cast was great, the show probably could have gone on a couple more weeks and been an even greater hit. Every week more and more people came.

Anywho, strike is happening right now. What goes up must come down I suppose. Looking forward to my next sit around the house playing games drinking hot chocolate and watching movies RELAXING weekend! And then maybe sneak out of the house at night to catch a haunted house or two.

I got my tattoo finished yesterday. Its pretty, I love it and it seems to embrace my life. I bloom, am beautiful and at my peak I seem to get swept away with the wind. I also dyed my hair back red, I just dont like being a blonde.

Thats all one graphic, as in the “artwork” is all done by hand. It could be much better but I ran out of time. 🙁

So glad tomorrow is Thursday!

Anywho, class was today and not one word was said to me or the girl next to me. Everyone else she walked around to, us? Not so much. lol

You could tell she had been talked to, I didnt hear her insult one student which is a first.

I am so exhausted…

I am getting that totally overwhelmed, oh shit what do I do feeling again. School is eh, I like it but wonder if its really the direction I need to be going in. Not really school as a whole but this whole graphics thing, I love doing it but sitting behind a computer staring at some adobe program will probably get old. I am such a social person, are social people doing graphic design? I thought they would but man, when we do presentations hardly anyone says a thing and usually when they do it comes out awkward and forced.

Is something more social the way I should go. Before the graphic design thing I thought of some sort of social services route but assumed that the burden of the job would come home with me. But going to school and being such a “voice” makes me think that I should probably take that “voice” and use it for the greater good.

Now making graphics for some sort of design company with a “hippy” view would be awesome but in Amarillo, I think not. And even in a big city, yeah right. I dont want to be know for doing an awesome tampax ad dammit, I want to be known for doing something that makes you think.

I am realizing that thats slim pickings. I feel like at 28, married and divorced having 2 kids I shouldnt feel 14, lost and unable to figure out what I want to be when I “grow up”. I feel like I have to get it all done now but if I get it done now and hate it later then will it all be a waste?

Any advice would be helpful. Yall know me, tell me what you think. Tell me what you think I would be good at. Please!

About the depression thing. In my closet is the playdoh thing I bought for Ian when I was pregnant. About thirty minutes before Jason would come home I would lay out a sheet with a big piece of plexi glass on it and let Ian go to town. He would play for a while and by the time Jason got home he would be bored with it. I picked it up and Jason always shook out the sheet when he came home.

Also, the two times nicole came over…

…they played with the playdoh. Thus the playdoh reminds me of her and of Jason. Two things I would rather not be reminded of.

Anywho, the playdoh thing is in my closet and Ian can see it and when he sees it he asks to play with it. I cant get that playdoh down, I just cant do it. I need to throw the stupid thing away actually and get him another set. But just asking to play with it sends me into this “how things used to be” mode that I dont like.

I get stuck in it seemingly forgetting the growth and happiness that has happened in these last 7 months. Almost feeling like I would throw it all away to have someone here daily to talk to but thats silly and I know it.

I am piled with laundry, dishes and homework but have no desire to do it, any of it. But the piles of crap to do make me nervous and unable to concentrate, its like some sort of loose loose situation. I need to get up and do stuff but I am so depressed about doing it alone that its just piles. Thats not to say the house is gross but a days worth of dishes drives me bonkers. This is coming from someone that would freak if ANY dish was left in the sink for any amount of time. Use it wash it, thats what used to happen.

I just need to snap out of it, quickly. I can always tell when I am lonely, Ian sleeps with me. The 4.5 year old snoring has this sort of calming effect.

So the crap hit the fan in typography today. I got my quote grade back today…C! Not a deserved C either (if its a deserved c then I take it like a big girl like I did with my C in comp ill). So today we get our quotes back with a post it. I look around at other peoples and they all have good grades, Bs and A+s. So I put my post it on my head and call the teacher over to ask whats up.

I should start by saying that when we presented them (and this class is totally informal) I was one of the few that actually got up and said anything. And one of the first things I said was that I was originally doing a fear and loathing quote but she didnt like it so I scrapped it. Then I talked about the quote I had done and noted that I downloaded the font. I mentioned the font thing because she attempted to talk another student down for downloading one because last time the teacher tried to do that her computer locked up and she had to pay 150 to fix it. Sorry, but thats sad. If your to stupid to think that every file on the internet is corrupted then I will happily correct you…and I did. I didnt do it rudely, just mentioned it. She snottily told me that I was risking it downloading stuff and I then asked her how she did anything on the internet if she didnt download anything. She looked stupid/er so I changed the question to how do you get fonts. She said she paid for them, I went pfffftttt in her face and walked away. lol It was in jest, this lady is odder then a 5 legged duck but apparently she is the almighty and I shouldnt question her, especially while standing in front of the class.

So that brings us to today and my C. I asked her why I got a C. She told me to go outside and talk to her and I refused saying that she could talk to me in class. I dont trust the lady at all and knew that a handful would hear our conversation. Anywho, her answer was that I told the class she didnt like my original. She proceeded to tell me that it wasnt that she didnt like it but that I couldnt get it to work. Thats not true, I was having trouble with the lay out and thats why I called her over but when she told me multiple times that she didnt like it then I got the picture and changed the quote.

She wanted to go outside again, I refused.

I said and I quote “I refuse to kiss you butt for a good grade”. She didnt like that at all and was pretty much flabbergasted that I said such a thing. Soooo, she tells me to apologize to her, like I am some sort of child. I refused to apologize, for one I wouldnt mean it. So she tells me that that hurts her feelings and I said join the crowd. She didnt “get it” so I repeated it and explained myself saying that she is hateful and cruel to people.

At that point she wanted to take it outside again and I refused to do so, again.

So then she said I was unprofessional and I let her know that saying the F word and shit constantly wasnt very professional either.

Its all a blur from there but I left the class shortly after.

I am pissed that she is wasting my time. The younger kids in the class probably dont care but I do. I want my degree but because I want to learn the field. She is screwing us over because she has taught us not one damn thing, nothing…nada. I can make a good grade but I will still have to take it over with a real teacher so I can actually learn typography.

Look, I love me. Self absorbed statement, probably. But I like that I have enough self respect for myself to NOT be a suck ass. It might bug a few people but I really dont care. I would rather have my friends be my friends because they like ME not some facade of me. I have always been this way and its got me a lot of respect, even from my bosses.

I dont understand the suck it up walked all over attitude. I will never degrade myself like that, never. I will stand for what I stand for no matter how against the grain it is and around here that happens a lot. If I am wrong I will apologize but dont talk to me as if I am some sort of child.

I wouldnt doubt if a few people left class today, picking there jaw up as they left. Whatever, she can kiss it as far as I am concerned.

You know what really makes this whole thing funny? My original quote, the one I told her I was going to do (but changed my mind last minute because the fear and loathing one kept coming to me).

Ready for it?

Well behaved women seldom make history.

Hows that for irrony?

About this math class. I have already missed enough days that my max grade would be a 3.0 and even then thats with perfect scores on everything (which wont happen). I wont risk my gpa for it so I have elected to drop it and then take the one below it next semester. Its been entirely to long since I took a math class (13 years).

I dont know the basics of algebra and I should in order to not get lost. Yeah, I can study and play catch up but when I have 4 other classes with multiple things going on in them then catch up doesnt seem to work.

I know better next semester to not take 15 (or shall I say 27) hours. Its just to difficult.

I am so exhausted, when Ian has fevers I hover him since he has a history of febrile seziures. I left typography early to come home and finish some projects and fell asleep while working on one. Figured I needed a nap so I napped for an hour before Boone called, waking me up.

It will be past 2 when I go to sleep tonight, joy.