Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons that me and Jason’s marriage failed was because we were on different levels. He was going to school while I sat at home. Now this isnt to discredit me being a stay at home mom but maybe me staying home with the kid/s and being rather anti social (which is so funny because thats not me) while he had school put kind of a damper on things. Does that make any sense?
I guess now that I am back in school and working my ass, big toe, third eyelash from the left and uvula off I have a different perspective on things. Looking outside of the relationship (because its all but a memory now) now I wonder if Jason “going” and me “staying” put a strain on things.
Like he was moving “up” while I was just staying neutral (at least to him, I learned a lot of things through the years but it was all kid centered). I actually regressed when it came to being social.
So do relationships fail because of this? I think in a way they do, that is they do if your communication is off. This meaning people on different levels.
I know of a few people that are (or have) moving up in the world and growing up. They stop the drinking, the drugging, the partying. They made a goal and those that were not helping with said goal were cut loose. Ended friendships, broken hearts and all. But looking back it was a change that needed to happen. In the moment and for those directly affected it probably seemed like a selfish thing to do, to cut people out. But in order for said person to move on and not be pulled back they had to cut ties. And I get it, I have cut ties with people throughout the years because my relationship with them was toxic.
So where does this put me in the terms of relationships? I get now why my girlfriends are so damn picky when it comes to partners. I think, in a way, they need to find someone on their level. You dont want someone holding you back after all and yes, I did hold Jason back when it came to certain things.
Right now I am going and I am going at a crazy pace. I have a 15 hour semester load but thats kind of false. Only one of my classes is a true 3 hour a week class the other four are 6 hour a week classes. Thats a lot especially considering that I have had no one to really plan around for the last 6 years. I am rushing it to get the degree to in turn get a good job to in turn raise a family.
I dont want people around me that are not going to be a positive force, I dont have the time to drag my feet and lollygag. It would be a different story if I didnt have kids but I do and I HAVE to do this in order to give my kids what they need (ie, a roof over their heads). On the nights that I have the ability to go out (meaning I dont have school or kids) I go out, socialize and have fun. On the nights that I have school the next day and the kids then I stay home.
Because I know that going out constantly (like I did at ages 15-22) did nothing but pull me down. I had fun, yes. And would never take it back but looking back its like “duh Juli, what were you thinking”. But then again I was young and therefore thats a vailid excuse (at least to me it is). NOW I couldnt imagine doing that, still young but much more mature. I supposes its all about responsibilities and right now I am loaded down with them.
I dont know where this is going, its just been on my mind for a few weeks. I would like to think that I am a positive force in peoples lives and therefore no one needs to drop me but as the past tells I was, for at least one person, once “toxic” and therefore cut out of someones life (at least partially, he cant ever be rid of me nor me of him). Its nice being back in the realm of sane.
And I am still really enjoying school though at times I feel as though I should be farting dust. Waaahhhh. Drawing is really the only class I dont care for, its boring and for some odd reason I have yet to jump on the social wagon when it comes to that class. All my other classes are awesome though and I must say I love meeting new people. Not getting the emo thing though. <–my bob, that was a lot of thoughs…ack
Oh and Saturday I have a session for my newest tattoo. Nothing can be a painful as childbirth right? So this should be easy, snort.
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