; charset=UTF-8" /> Story About A Girl » 2008 » August

So for my computer illustration class

We have to redesign a logo/bug (think Nike logo). We had to bring in one we found in the phone book at home. So I just opened up the phone book and ripped out a page…happened to be a plumbing place. So now we need to come up with 10 thumbnails by next class, no biggie, got mine all drawn out in class.

So while I was just sitting there in front of the computer (which happens a lot) I decided to browse around the internet for peoples logos for plumbers and came across this one…

which really made me giggle.

I also had math today and I am no longer worried. I took algebra my first semester at ac (10 years ago) but I really dont remember the class…at all. Before that I took algebra 1 and 2 at the same time my freshman year in high school and geometry my sophomore year. So its been a while but I seem to be remembering it okay.

Topography I am a little worried about. The teacher is a little flighty, in a this is how you do it sort of way BUT she uses keyboard shortcuts. And thats fine but she fails to inform us WHAT shortcuts she was using. A good portion of the class knows illustrator but I dont and I dont know how to use a mac so I am a little confused. I am a hands on person though and once I take the time to fiddle with illustrator I will have it down.

And 28 is not old but I feel like a geezer in my classes. While talking about logos the professor was saying how his son (12-15 years ago) was wanting Girbaud jeans, talking about how he wanted to be different. So he asked if anyone in the class remembered those and I was the only one…waaaahhhh!!!!

Poor kids, its just no fun having gone through your life not owning girbaud jeans and hypercolor shirts.


Sara Graves- Martinez
i agree, girbaud jeans made things interesting, who is wearing what color, they were on christmas list… usualy spelled jibo lol!! ah what a blast from the past..
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 28, 2008 – Thursday – 7:20 AM
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Note to self…

Do not pass on info such as Ian calling me a tramp after visiting Jason to Boone.


Cheyenne aka Mommy
If people are saying such things to Ian about you that is so wrong. It is considered child abuse if coming from dad. Believe me, it is hard. My ex has my kids saying terrible things about me and my husband and it is finally coming out. It is hard to listen to but we have been approaching it positively, no matter how infuriating it can be. It is sick when a grown person has to use a child for their petty little bullshit games.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 26, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:32 AM
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therefore i am
I dont think that Jason was coaching Ian to say anything but the fact of the matter is is that he came home with a new word, a rude one, an directed it at me. I am calling him tonight and discussing it.

But Boone was so upset, probably more upset then me.

Posted by therefore i am on August 26, 2008 – Tuesday – 12:51 PM
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I might have been dumbed down a notch

Juxtaposition and legato, easy enough words for college students, right? Apparently not.

So this morning was my first day at school since 99. Two things I dreaded, finding a parking spot and fresh out of high school kids. Parking was easy but as mom so eloquently phrased it earlier, “hopefully you didn’t get a contact stupid”.

First class is drawing I. The teacher (her first semester at AC) tried her hardest to nudge the class at being responsive but it just wasn’t working. At the end of the syllabus was our supplies list, a big list that I was expecting thanks to Ang. So she explains that if we promise to show up next Wednesday with all our supplies then we don’t have to come this Wednesday. She says take this Wednesday to go buy your supplies but if you miss the next Wednesday then that will count as two absences. She also noted that Monday was a holiday.

You would think people would respond to this, I was certainly happy about it. Not so much the no class thing but having a week to get all the stuff. But no, the class was as responsive as a group of deaf people at a bar on karaoke night. Sadly, a good deal of them were confused.

The poor lady had to explain a few times and I still think a couple people didn’t get it and will show up Wednesday to class, heck a few might even show up on Monday…snort. So we got out early.

Noon was my next class, computer illustration. I have a feeling that a handful of us will be taking the same classes together and unfortunately most happen to be youngins. So 9am is a convenient excuse to be dumber then dirt but noon, well not so much. Some people were kind enough to read aloud the syllabus, unfortunately a couple of easy words, such as juxtaposition, were left hanging.

What really made me giggle though was the kid in front of me (that just so happens to be in drawing as well with me) acted all sorts of macho when he came in class. Talking it up to his friends, noting how dumb the drawing teacher was (and she wasn’t dumb).

After going through the syllabus he asks if we need to own illustrator. Teacher asked if he had a pc, the kid said he had a laptop…pause, teacher confused. Teacher asks if he has a pc again, kids pauses then proudly proclaims that he has a gateway (and something else, don’t remember what).

Why WHY for all the love of daisies, unicorns and rainbows, would you be taking computer graphics classes and NOT know what the question “is it a pc”was  referring too? That just made me laugh, sigh and lay my head on the table.

Math was next and that went fairly well. Instead of a male dominated classroom it was female. No moron moments in there.

So tomorrow is a new day and hopefully tonight I can get some sleep. I think I got max 2 hours last night and in that 2 hours I got up and fed Hope. So I was dragging today, maybe Ian will be nice enough to not call me a tramp tonight before bed. The good thing about insomnia? That’s when places restock hard to get video games…I scored a copy of Mario kart for the wii. YAY!


If you get a chance be sure and take a religions of the world class. THOSE are fun. LOL

Hooray for going back to school!!!!

Posted by CrazyRED on August 25, 2008 – Monday – 8:18 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez

so glad you are going to school=]=]=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 25, 2008 – Monday – 8:46 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy

Sounds like a pretty eventful first day of school. I am sure most of the morons wont make it too far later on. 🙂

Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 26, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:28 AM
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Always Màthair
Sue Dooley

Congratulations on your first day!

Posted by Always Màthair on August 26, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:38 PM
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I dont love you

Stings huh? Especially when its from your childs mouth.

So Ian went to Jasons this weekend, something that I wasnt terribly happy about anyways. I dont think Jasons whorefriend should be graced with the presence of my children but its not up to me.

So Saturday I am feeding Hope and decide to call Jason to see how Ian did. One of the first things out of his mouth was that he didnt love me and that he didnt love Hope. To make everything even more peachy I hear whorefriend and Jason both laugh, not correct him but laugh. Joy.

After a bit Jason got back on the phone and asked about Hope. Never once has he asked about her. I guess he needs to keep up with his fake upstanding fatherhood when around his whorefriend and in order to do that he has to ask about his daughter…you know, the one I was pregnant with when him and whorefriend got together.

So I said shes fine, pulling up, saying mama, baba and occasionally Boone. He asked, right?

Then I got off the phone, took Hope in my bedroom with Boone and just cried. I dont want to hear Ian say he doesnt love me, even if he really doesnt mean it. I REALLY dont want to hear ANYONE snicker about it when he does. That right there tells you what type of people I get to deal with.

So today Ian comes home, the first thing out of his mouth is that he doesnt love me. That shit doesnt fly with me and I corrected him all while Jasons mother came up with excuse after excuse. You know, I really dont care that he told such and such that he doesnt love them. I correct him when he does it in my presence but they are not his mother, they arent the ones scrapping by emotionally because of what her piece of shit son did.

So they left and Ian came and sat in my lap and we talked. I went over how its not nice to say that he doesnt love someone. That its makes them sad, do you like it when you are sad? The stuff any sane adult would do in the situation.


The weekend was so lazy. Boone and I really didnt do a thing. Lounged around and talked for the most part. When we finally did roll out of bed on Saturday night we went to Malcolms for some dinner and while there Ang and Karen texted us to come to the bar.

We literally rolled out of bed and threw on clothes, I didnt even brush my hair, no makeup and wore ripped up jeans but hey, who cares? We said we would leave my midnight but other stuff happened and we stayed there till almost closing. Not a biggie though, I enjoyed myself.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend. Amazing highs and low lows but thankfully I have people around me that constantly reassure me and its nice.

Tomorrow I start school.

Here is to new beginnings…

I start school tomorrow too! Woot!

Ian wouldn’t let Sarah take him out of the car seat, tried to punch her, didn’t want to be in the house and told her to leave because it’s his house and she’s not welcome. That was before he went to Lubbock, but don’t take that as me blaming you or making excuses for what he said or anything. To be honest, we both were hoping he’d treat “whorefriend” just as good and that made us laugh. Hey, a guy can dream, right?

So…what’re you taking?

Posted by Matt on August 24, 2008 – Sunday – 10:50 PM
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i’m sorry, juli. that really stinks that it happened.
Posted by sarah on August 24, 2008 – Sunday – 11:32 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It is obvious that someone planted the idea in his little head. Does he truly understand the concept of what love is? That is the seed that needs to be planted. I will always love you, even when you say you don’t love me, because you are of my body and of my heart and soul. You are my blood and nothing will ever change that…
Having to switch trains like that has got to be hard on kids, and they only know what they are told and are so innocent because they don’t have life’s lessons to guide their heart and understanding.
They become confused in what role they play, or should play, and where is home anyhow?
Them laughing as they heard him say it to you is horrific to me and instigated! No one should have to deal with that game! Especially the innocent ones who don’t know better!
It is evil and so damaging!
Do your best to teach him what love is. Find some books his level that you can read to him so he can learn to understand. Take him on walks and show him the small things that are wonders in this world, the bugs, the flowers, monkeys at the zoo. Be creative to get his attention, like seeing the monkeys hug and groom each other, and explaining that they show their love by that. Any babies with their mothers is an easy one.
Keep your heart well, I don’t know what you are taking in school, but don’t let your focus go to the problems you are working around, you know what that will do!
It will be ok mom, your love can cover all things that attack you! Remember that!
Good luck in school old lady!
God bless
Posted by Always Màthair on August 25, 2008 – Monday – 11:51 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
that sux about ian =[….

what are you taking? lemme know how your first day went… that is if you have time

you are a busy school girl now=]=]=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 25, 2008 – Monday – 1:10 PM
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Well pooie

I got my first C today, everything else has been A’s thus far. It was my first logo on illlustrator and he said dont be surprised by a low grade but I am still kinda sad. Oh well, no more c’s for me dangit.

I am surprising myself with drawing though, I can draw a box really well. lol I have a math test to study for tonight, one sketch and another drawing project as well as math homework. I should be able to get all that done tonight and go to sleep at a reasonable time.

This whole school plus family thing is kicking my ass but you know what I wouldnt do a thing different. Although I never in a million years thought I would be a single mom going to school I am so happy that I have the chance to do so. I am glad that I had a chance to live a fun life with no responsibilities, then got married and had kids only to be followed by school a few years later. Would this whole thing be easier not having kids? Sure. But it wouldnt be nearly as rewarding.

By going the path that I did I was able to be a stay at home mom for Ian for 4.5 years and Hope for 9 months. Thats something I will never regret doing, ever.

And I am looking forward to Thursday…yay. Boone took Friday off so I dont have to wake up and take him to work. Squee…

Life is good, I am happily happy.

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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I’m happy that your happy!
One day at a time mom…get through one day at a time, but prepare for tomorrow so you don’t need to fret.
You are doing great!
Have you ever thought about doing bio feedback therapy? It is great after a stressful day when you want to slow down and be able to sleep when you go to bed.
Just a thought…I love it!
Posted by Always Màthair on September 23, 2008 – Tuesday – 1:33 PM
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Good luck on making A’s from here on out.
Posted by Renee on September 24, 2008 – Wednesday – 4:51 AM
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I love him more now then I ever

28 weeks, 4 years and a rashy child

That link up there was from 1 year ago yesterday. Yesterday would have been me and Jasons 5 year wedding anniversary. Last year at this time I never, never thought I would be divorced. Its amazing how I was so happy yet I wasnt but had all this not happened I wouldnt have known till years down the line.

So last night Boone and I spent the evening just talking and talking and talking. If their is anyone out there that can empathize with me its Boone. While sitting out on the porch and talking I suddenly realize that it was the 22nd, which is just strange to wrap your head around.

So he leans down in front of me and says “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. Okay, faint. I didnt even know how to respond and well, I didnt except for “stop it, your going to make me cry”.

I love him, a lot. And he has shown me what love really feels like but he also knows that we are going to stay right where we are until he makes some major changes (thats not to say that I dont have kinks as well). Those that know Boone know what I am talking about and those that dont can probably figure it out.

I refuse to stay home with the kids while my other half goes out and has fun. Not in a sense that I dont trust him, because I do, but because Jason pulled that crap and I hated it. He had life and I got stuck at home with the kid.

I dont think Boone is quite ready to slow down to the pace that I would need him to slow down BUT these past few months he has made amazing progress, especially in the last month and change since me AND Ang reamed him new ones.

The thing that works so well with us is that we both tell it like it is. I refuse to be stepped on and so does he but we both have to have patience with each other. I could let him walk all over me and just go and do what ever he wants and never say a thing but well, thats how relationships fail after 9 years. I could be a bossy butt and tell him what to do constantly but again, thats how relationships fail after 6 years.

I am working on my middle ground but after 6 years of saying “jump” and the other person jumping, well its a little hard at times. Thankfully Boones the type of person that will look at me weird and say “did you really just tell me to jump and expect me to do it”.

So yeah, a year ago I thought I was on cloud nine and in my world I was. A year later I still think I am on could nine but thats after falling down to the ground, hard, and then floating right back up to the top flabbergasted at what my life has become.

THIS is why I type these things out. Its interesting to go back and look at what all has happened throughout the years. Where will I be a year from now? I can sit here and hope that certain things happen within that time but now, after all this I realize that I am not really the one in control after all.

And I am okay with that, I am okay with just letting go of control and just having faith that things will work out how they are supposed to.

congrats! i think it’s awesome that you’re happy!
Posted by sarah on August 23, 2008 – Saturday – 1:33 PM
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But for some odd reason this whole weekend has been a bit of a downer (with the exception of Saturday night pancakes). I keep thinking about the day that Jason told me he was no longer in love with me and was in love with someone else.

Its been months since I have thought about that day. The desperation of trying to fix what all had gone wrong and the realization that life would never be the same. I was, after all, 37 weeks pregnant and maybe thats why I reacted the way I did.

It just goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. I am so tired of this rollercoaster though, its not fair that I got thrown onto the ride dammit.

Ians feeling better but his attitude sucks, he came home from “Jasons” puking then a couple days later ended up at the doctor with a diagnosis of tonsillitis, bronchitis and an ear infection. Hope has one hell of a runny nose and an ear infection, pretty much cries if she isnt sleeping and grabs at her ears. Poor thing, still working on that third tooth too.

School is overwhelming and for a couple days last week I just cried in bed over the frustration of it all. I cant seem to remember whats due when, even after buying a planner. So I have resorted to a pocket pc/phone which should be coming in the mail on Thursday.

I just keep telling myself that I cant give up. I can do this its just so much harder at 28 with 2 kids…but then again I could have 4 kids, no house, no support, no car…you get the picture.

I just need to get a rhythm and I was starting to get it but then we all got sick. I hope Ian is good at daycare tomorrow.

This tattoo itches so freaking bad, duh, I am not itching it but I want to so bad. And what is with people asking if its fake? Every freaking carnie on Friday asked me if it was fake. Sheesh people.

Thursday should be a fun day. I am getting my hair cut then dinner with the girls then swinging by the theater to see Boone. Friday is cannibals opening, everyone should come see it (because I said so).

Well I am off, homework still to do as well as a couple of tests to study for. Yay

No, you cannot wash your butt with the frog.

The things that come out of your mouth when you are a parent.

So tonight was bath night and its getting increasingly harder to bathe both kids at the same time. Hope practically jumps out of my arms to get to the floating toys. Ian stands up, sits down, stands up, sits down. Tonight he insisted on rinsing off with his frog rather then with a washrag, a frog which sprays water everywhere.

I have no idea what to do. They both love the water and love being in there with each other so I am not going to take that away but holy hell Hope moves a ton.

Before I get in the tub with Hope I wash Ians hair, well while I was washing his hair there she was, pulled up right next to me about to go head first into the water (its a big tub with a step). She mastered the steps at my parents yesterday and today crawled up and over the basket that holds her diapers in order to get into Ians house.

Shes just such a different baby then Ian was and its taking some getting used too.

Tomorrow Ian leaves for Lubbock (supposedly) and I am SO nervous and sad about it.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Ahhh, bath time!!!
About two inches of water will do! Him being older I would think you could get him to help calm himself enough to let you get Hope hosed down. Maybe if you could start her first before he gets in? I can see the changes you will have to make as they get older still. Do they have a play pool for outside? Maybe that would help them understand that is for flinging frogs in water, and that bath time is more business than play.
It is amazing how different each little life presents itself! Definitely individual human entities we all are!
Can you imagine having sets of multiples!!!! Have you ever watched the family on tv that have 8 kids? It blows me away how they can be so organized! And all the different little people those kids are that they have to adjust themselves to.

I know you will do just fine what ever you do. And be possitive for Ian when he leaves, let him know you will still be there when he gets back! He may need that! I would! Don’t be sad. Enjoy HOpe while he is gone and think of something special to do when Ian gets home!!!
Let the Greater Spirit in your life handle him while he is gone…send him positive vibes and lots of love while he is away! It will be good for you, him and Hope =)
Be Strong!

Posted by Always Màthair on August 22, 2008 – Friday – 4:49 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
yes… i agree…. i have said somethings that i never thought i would=]=]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 22, 2008 – Friday – 12:14 PM
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What a rush

So Ian is throughly enjoying his house and the day was so packed full of stuff to do I forgot to take pictures.

Never again, never, never, never will I change my last name again. I dont remember it being this big of a pain in the ass when I got married but it certainly is now. I have so many places to change it and the kids as well.

So today must have been the day for everyone in the city to get stuff done. Show up at tdt to change my name, address and renew (even though its a year early) my license. Good gravy the line was loooonnnnggg. Got that done.

Drove down the street and around the corner to the ssa. It was packed and just, weird. I went to change my name and the kids names. Got mine done but apparently a birth certificate for the kids isnt proof enough that they exist. So thats a no go for the time being which is a huge pain in the ass.

Then to ac to change my name, get a parking permit and buy that 142 dollar book. Ac was packed as well, line out to the door. Finally get the name taken care of, head over and buy my book, walk to the car and see Eric (Boones brother) and talk a bit then proceed to the car to the next destination.

Did I mention that EACH place took an hour and by that time I had a killer headache.

Then I went to buy school supplies, I swear the cost has doubled since last I was in school. But hey, hasnt everything? While checking out mom calls so I head home. Tomorrow is packed full off appointments as well and I am exhausted just thinking about it.

And to totally switch gears a bit…

I came along this quote last night…

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
— Erma Bombeck

Well isnt that the truth? Why didnt I come across this bit of information 6 years ago?

I feel like I am a bit jaded when it comes to marriage. I have talked about it, at length, with Boone. I thought that marrying Jason was a guarantee that he would always be there and well that certainly isnt the case. Now I am back in the boat of “its just a piece of paper”.

And I am okay with that thinking. Jason and I rushed into marriage WAY to fast and it wouldnt have happened if we didnt live in Utah. The rules for BYU housing are odd to anyone thats not LDS. He needed a place to live but the only places available had year leases, I had a house of my own. He literally came home one day and said “Jeremiah is paying for the license, we are getting married on August 22nd”. A year of dating and we were married (which for some people works just fine but for us it was just a rush that was not necessary).

Hows that for romance?

Boone and I obviously dont live together nor are we going to any time soon. He wouldnt fit in this house and I am not about to pack up my kids and move to his (although its big enough). He does call my house home though which is funny. He stays here about 1/3 of the week and thats plenty. This is the first relationship where I really am taking it “slow”. No need to rush especially since I have two people that need me more then anything.

I dont know where this is going, just rambling I suppose, waiting for him to call.

I just know that I am happy, screw white fences and prince charming’s. Live in the moment and stop rushing. I feel like I rushed to damn much and I am only 28.

I cannot wait for Friday so I can relax. Good thing I have so much to do this week so I cant dwell on Ian going to Lubbock to see Jason and her.

Its like Christmas, but better

Okay, for the past month Ian has been going to sleep on his own (like makes it to his BED). We do the nighttime good night hugs and kisses and I send him on his way (Hope is already asleep at that point). Wake up in the morning and he gets a sticker on his chart thats above his bed. We went to walmart a while back and he picked out all the “prizes”.

First he went to 5 and at 5 he got a viewfinder.
Then at 6 he got a cars car holder.
At 7 he got an indy whip.
And at 8 he got this (not sure why the price is so high, I found it on sale for 40 bucks).

To think that there was once a time when character kids toys really got on my nerves. Ian just loves cars, hey at least its not elmo, right?

V has a princess one that they always play in when we are at Boones house so I figured a cars one would be perfect for ours.

Its huge but I already knew that going into it and knew that I would need to move some things around for it to fit. The plan was for it to take up Ians regular spot for toys to help keep them out of the way and to keep Hope out of them (I will have to sew a special door to keep her out of the front part).

He is going to be so happy tomorrow, I have a million errands to run again and I dont think he is going to let mom leave my house to go to hers. 

But really, I am so proud of him. The first couple of weeks he fought it but this last week we forgot to put stickers up for 4 days and he didnt seem to mind. So yeah, yeah I “bribed” my kid to sleep with candy, stickers and toys. But hey, we all get sleep now which makes it a little easier around here.

I will have pics tomorrow.

The numerous errands are getting school supplies, buy my math book, new license, new social security cards for everyone and maybe a haircut to get off all these horrible split ends. Busy, busy, busy.

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Sara Graves- Martinez
yeah… i never like the idea of bribing with candy or food… but sometime you have to do something!! lol …congrats on everyone sleeping in their own bed!!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 10:37 AM
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Sooo tired

The weekend is over, well officially it was yesterday but I am all screwy time wise. For the first time in a long time I will say that I am glad its over. Friday I did nothing, on purpose. I felt the need to be really freaking lazy. Saturday was my grandmas birthday then mom watched the kids while I went out.

Firstly to walmart to buy lots of ink and paper, then to Karens to get Ang and then to the spotted pony with Ang for a really quick drink (for her not me) and back to Karens for a few games of skipbo.

Back home to get Hope and then head out to Boones to work on the script. Okay, had I known what all was left in the venture of getting the script ready I would have forgone the Ang/Karen time and just went to his house to work on it.

Get there and the file is a word file that only opens in office word. Ack, go online to try to find a key to unlock it….no go. Just ended up downloading office 07 so I could fix it the next day.

Finally, at maybe the earliest, 4am we go to sleep. WAY to late, way way way to damn late. Hope wakes up at 7:30, feed her, then again at 9ish since Erics phone went off. I knew we had a lot to get done but dragging Boones ass out of bed when he has gotten little sleep is, well…impossible. So after a bit I tell him I am leaving, if he plans on coming then come on. He says V is not up yet and I didnt really care seeing as how my kids have been woken up numerous times to get him somewhere. So I leave, no biggie. If he comes he comes, its not my show nor my actors that need scripts.

Get home, feed Hope, but her down for a nap and myself down for one as well. Have a dream that Boone walks in at 10:45…uh, in reality he did. So I wake up to V playing in the living room and Boone working on the script.

Get out of bed, install office, pull up the script and hand it to him so he can finish editing it. It took forever to print, so long that he went to the theater with the printer to finish (but someone was kind enough to go and make the rest of the copies at kinkos). Drop him off, give Caleb a hug (waaaahhh, I am going to miss him) and head home.

Since it was Calebs last night in town I figured I wouldnt see Boone for a while but I didnt expect him to walk in after 5:30am. Dayum. Came in, talked, fell asleep, woke up, fell back asleep…woke up late for work, felt like shit because of the previous few days and well…he didnt go to work (big surprise).

We laid in bed way to long talking and once again were in a mad rush to get things printed for Cannibal. Took Ian to the theater where I had no patience with him (which makes me feel like total crap), typed up the schedule and printed it.


Way to much rushing for the weekend and the week isnt going to be any better. So we decided that Friday he is getting off of work (Ian will be gone), coming over and we are just lounging around the house and probably turning our cells off again (its refreshing not having a phone going off constantly). I cant wait for a day to actually relax.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Wow, that was a lot in only a few short days. Hope you get the rest you need this weekend.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 19, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:42 AM
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One look in the mirror and I’m tickled pink

So driving home yesterday morning after dropping Boone off at work was kind of a moment in reflection. The clouds looked exactly like mountains in the far off distance and it reminded me of Utah. Sigh…

I tried to take a picture but it doesnt show what I saw, maybe it was just my imagination.

So at times I kind of feel guilty about the connection that Boone has with the kids. He has been here longer for Hope then Jason. He has spent more time bonding with her. Sometimes he is the one to go get her in the morning and if he is with me he is always the one to load her in the car. So we talked about it last night, about just how big of an influence he is to her. I know it breaks him up inside when he see what Jason does, when its apparent to us that Jason seems to only be here because he “has” to be.

Though he is accepting of the fact that he hears her first words, gives her some of her first foods and will see her first steps he still, in a way, feels bad. He has a daughter that he loves very much and that he would drop anything for so he just doesnt get Jason and well, neither do I.

She sees Boone and lights up, starts jumping with her legs until she gets him. Ba ba ba ba bb nn. Thats what she does, always.

This was Thursday night, Ian riding on Boones back and Boone crawling around on the floor with Hope.

I am working on downloading movies that I once had. Years ago I was a movie buff, if you wanted to see a movie chances were that I had it. When I moved to Utah I sold just about all of my rated R movies and then once Jason and I were married I sold the rest in order to buy him his wedding ring. That left me with about, 5 dvds…

So I am getting them back dammit, naughty naughty me. I watched Requiem for a Dream last night, by myself at 1am. Not a good move, I love the movie and knew it was intense but last I saw it was right before I moved to Utah. If there is ever a movie to keep you off drugs thats certainly the one.

The only thing “hard” I did in my past were psychedelics, to many (so much so that ceilings move and occasionally the road if I am stopped at a light for to long, eek). Never ever would I have ever done something like heroine, junkie is something I never aimed for (but then again no one aims for it). The last 30 minutes of that movie are so intense.

So I am looking forward to getting my collection back and picking up where I left off from 6 years ago.

And as you can plainly see, I have taken down my old overlay to give me some oomph to do the new one. Think polaroids and post it notes. And hopefully the layout will be okay for everyone, I know in the past that people have complained about not being able to find certain things on my page.

The font will be all me and my ugly handwritting (thank you tablet). Be on the lookout for me and my camera because I am taking pictures of my “top” friends for my page. I want silly faces dammit, the space for the pic is going to be tiny anywho.

Today is packed full of stuff to do and I still havent gotten off my butt to get ready. Looking forward to printing off a 170+ page script for 11 people.

And one more thing. My computer is always on and always downloading which is why it appears as though I am always online, I am not.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
SO..what do you charge to make copies? Of movies that is.
Posted by Always Màthair on August 16, 2008 – Saturday – 3:32 PM
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Weddings, divorce, death and pottery…oh my.

So you can google my name (married) and there I am.  Listed as my divorce granted.

Google my maiden name and it goes…

Grandma and grandpas 50th wedding anniversary.
Grandpas death.
Dad teaching a class for pottery.
Ginta and Stevens wedding.

Weddings, divorce, death and pottery…oh my.

Dirty Laundry

I am offically single, well in a sense that thats the box I can check from now on. No desire to check the divorced one. I got my paperwork, final decree in the mail today. Now begins the tedious work of changing mine and the kids names, what fun.And for your reading pleasure I am posting just about everything that has happend since October. Why? Because it steps ME through the pain again and lets ME see how much I have grown since then. Reading what I wrote then, how weak I was is upsetting. It brings back every emotion I had back but also makes me stronger.

Unless you are on ctt with me you have never read these, they are just cuts and pastes from the board. The dear Juli letter is finally scanned in, all of this is printed off and being locked away only to be see again in 15/20 years.

So here you have it…

Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:26 am

37 weeks pg and dh tells me he doesnt want me anymore

i dont know what to do

excuse the typos and the lack of capsi am at my parents house, they came and got ian and i last night. i didnt trust myself to drive 2 hours.

i swear to yall, i thought i had the perfect marriage, the perfect husband, the perfect father to my child/ren. it all came crashing down yesterday. he hasnt cheated per se but he is emotionally attached to another girl. he is trying to figure out if he wants to work the marriage out or if he just wants to leave. he is so blank, he doesnt love me anymore.

i dont know what to do. my parents had no knowledge of this homebirth. it was to be just me and him, he is my rock. my midwife is 2 hours away from where we live and 4 hours from my parents. i cant go back home and have this baby by myself. as dumb and selfish as it sounds i just want to find a doc here, scheduel a c section and just get it over with. no one supports my decision to homebirth and at the moment i dont have a home.

i dont know what to do with ian. jason put him to sleep every night for the past 2 years, i dont know how to even begin to explain to him that daddy isnt going to rock him to sleep every night. i have no idea how i am supposed to put ian to sleep as well as an infant. i am so dumb, i cant believe i am in this situation. dumb dumb dumb

do i stay? i want my husband back but he is just so blank to me. he says he has been miserable for 2 years. i thought the past 2 years were the best of our marriage. i dont get it, how could i be so blind.

i cant eat, i took a bite of my granola bar and almost threw it up. ians already thrown up this morning. he knows somethings up.

is this all a dream, its a dream right? the only thing missing in our lives was that the fence wasnt white.

my parents only have dial up and i keep expecting him to call and say come home, lets talk.

i want to save this marriage but is it even savable now?

i was extremely swollen, like i was with ian swollen but it has gone down. i dont want to resent this baby but i feel like if i wasnt pg this wouldnt have happened. i dont want ppd again…..or maybe i still have it.

jami, lory….someone close close to me….anybody. i hate the phone with a passion but its just me and ian in my parents house. please call me. if it keeps ringing that means i am online so just call back.

Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:27
Its been a long, draining, emotional week

I feel like I need to get this out so I am typing it all up here. No one knows any of this but I need to get it out and I dont want to talk to my irl friends/family about it.So things are good with Jason and I but I have a major hang up, major. When he eventually told me that Sunday that he was in love with another women I asked him if he had done anything. He said he had hugged and held her hand but that was it.

I told myself that I could get over that and I can/did.

That sunday I told him he needed to call his dad, set himself straight and to give himself some time to think it all out. I thought he would and I thought he would do it alone.

Well no, he called her on Monday and she came over. They talked and they kissed. How in the hell is he supposed to be focusing on us if he is calling her to come over to MY house!

Tuesday is when Mom, Ian and I came down to talk. Thats when we talked it over and decided to keep on with the marriage and to continue working to stay together. He didnt mention that she came over on Monday and he certainly didnt mention the kiss. Not until Wednesday when I asked to make sure he did nothing more then hug and hold her hand.

I cannot get past this. A kiss to him is as important as it gets so that fact that he shared that with another woman, ESPECIALLY when he was supposed to be focusing on US pisses me off to no end. Then to keep it from me on tuesday when we were supposed to be talking it out just seems wrong.

I am fine one minute and then I start thinking about it and I just loose it. Burst into tears, start swelling, feeling lied too, emotional, ugly, worthless, everything I SHOULDNT be feeling, especially being so pregnant.

I sit in the living room and see it happening. All the good in this house has been sucked out. This was my grandparents house, its where I spent a large part of my life time. I dont want to think about my husband dropping me and bringing someone that has no business being here here. I no longer have the fond memories of sitting in the tub with my cousin with mr. bubble bubbles and grandpas selson blue shampoo to turn our hair blue. I no longer see me sitting in the living room playing with my 1970s barbies and blow up furniture. I dont see the happy holidays that were spent here for 24 years. I just keep replaying that Sunday and Monday, I cant seem to get past it and its killing me inside.

Jason and I talk about it every time I get to feeling this way. I was doing real good and then last Sunday it hit me hard. I couldnt close my eyes without seeing/hearing me desperately pleading him not to leave me. Since this past monday I think I have gotten a handle on replaying what happened on Sunday but I am still stuck on this kiss thing. I feel dirty, disgusting and used when he kisses me. Not all the time, not even close but sometimes it just hits me and I loose it.

I dont like feeling this way. It takes a lot to piss me off and when I do get to that point it takes a lot to get me to sit in the same room with you. I know I have anger towards Jason and I hate that I do. The love far outweighs the anger but its still there. My absolute hate and rage goes towards that girl. What kind of person would come over to my house to essentially take my husband away? He says she kissed him, that she wanted to let him know that he was “loved”. Pathetic excuse, there are no words.

He asked if he had told me on tuesday about that kiss would I still want to stick around and try to make it work. I said yes but its that he didnt tell me on tuesday when he really should have. I was lied to for 2 years. I would love to conveniently think that he “forgot” to tell me on tuesday but at this point I cant. I cant get over that feeling.

I am so scared that these feelings are going to come up when I eventually go into labor. I have no idea what will happen if they do. I dont know if I am having such a hard time moving past this because I am so incredibly, hormally pregnant or if I would react this way if I wasnt.

I feel blah one minute and then great the next. Its so confusing. And then to throw a baby into the mix of it all….


Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:35 pm

Its over, he has been sleeping with her and lying about it

I am a fool to have ever taken him back. He never talked to her and said they couldnt talk, he made that all up to please me. He has been sleeping with her since school started back up last month.** Wrote this 3 page letter of crap with no mention that he slept with her. I went to pick him up this morning so we could talk it out, thats when he told me. So I promptly detoured to the bank so he could empty the account. I made him take Ian with him so he didnt cop out. Called his dad and let him know that Jason had been cheating on me. I took his cell and the house keys. Started to drive home he said he needed to get clothes and toiletries. I told him he shared a vagina he can share some shampoo. Told him that he will have to stay in the clothes on his back for the next couple of days.I thought to myself, “I should drop his ass off in the middle of a cotton field BUT that would waist gas” so I just pulled over, in the middle of no where and told him that I will need an address to send the divorce papers and then told him to get the hell out. He asked for his cell back and I told him no and drove off.

Got home and threw everything I could into trash bags and stuffed it into the car. I also took the prized ps3 and wii. Grabbed his tooth brush and cleaned the toilet bowl with it and put it back.

Called the police and told them to watch the house for the next couple of days. Locked up the house and left. Went to check the mail and noticed he took the mail key. I went in and told the front office to watch the house and she is having the mail man deliver the mail to the office.

Drove to amarillo and the outskirts of the city are basically on fire. Just a block away a huge fire was brewing. Slight heart attack over that.

Asshole, complete and total asshole.

So ANYONE that wants to call feel free too. I cant call out because it costs my parents a lot of money. I will update the contact thread and put it here as well.


I just dont know what I would do without you girls. Thank God we hadnt moved yet!

Any advice on how to break it to Ian or help with a divorce would be great.

I should note here that when he FIRST told me he slept with her while we were driving in the car he told me the first time was when school started. A few days later he was honest with me and told me it was actually the last day of school.


Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:02 am

I called him yesterday
I am such a dumbass

I have been looking for books on divorce and all of them say to try to work it out, try to mediate you can move on with your marriage after an affair and it will be stronger. Bah, it puts that crap into my head, the we can work it out crap.So I called him, it was either him or Ginta and dumb butt me called him pleading to come back. Bang

Why do I keep doing this to myself, he isnt really what I want and never really was. I didnt get a proper engagement, our wedding day was so insignificant that I could never remember the date. I had to beg him to come to doctor appointments when I was pg with Ian plus he wouldnt stay in the hospital with me when I had Ian. Never in the 6 years did I get a card, I got a flower once because I begged him (our first vday). No birthday or Christmas presents, I bought all my own.

The past couple of days have been real hard, Ian wont let me out of his site and just calls mama over and over and over again. I get frustrated with him because I cant just get away and I know the last thing he needs is a frustrated mama that just wants to get away.

The house is coming today, thats a relief and a headache all at the same time. I get the luxury of sorting stuff. Jason wants NOTHING, nothing at all except what he came in with which is books and other random crap. So odd but I guess it makes it easy when it comes to the actual divorce.

I still cant believe this is me and my situation, it could definitely be worse but its still shocking and sinking in.

Anyone have any good bottle recommendations? I cant leave hope for more then 2 hours and their are times when I will need too. I am so scared that I am going to loose my breastfeeding relationship along with everything else but I have got to get out and have some me time. Its something I havent had in the past 5 years.


Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:37 pm

I would rather be a bitch then a liar
Custody hearing was today, plus more fun stuff

Lets just say that everyone else is right, me, the one married to the idiot for 4.5 years still cant see that he is lying to me constantly. Sigh…..So the custody hearing was this morning at 8:30, three times now (in the letter he wrote me, in email and also a signed paper) he has said that he would help support us above and beyond basic custody for the next twelve months. Today we get to the court house and he tells my attorney that the max he can afford is 415 a month, he had agreed to 835. Since this was dealing with custody and not the divorce part she said she didnt know if the judge would let us get the extra 400. He also left out the fact that he tutors when he wants the cash and makes 25-30 bucks an hour at it. He has been telling me for the past month that he has no money yet every time he walks in the door he is in a new shirt and new pants. Fucker, I was already pissed because he went to abiline to meet homewreckers folks (they must be soooo proud) and didnt even bother to call and wish Ian a happy Easter.

So we go in front of the judge and he says thats all he can afford. My attorney grills him about the tutoring and he stumbles with that a bit and then asks if he is splitting rent with his girlfriend that he has been living with since we split (he wrote in his financial papers that he was paying all rent and utilities). He said yes but that he wanted his own place that way he could take Ian for visitation (we had previously agreed that he would wait for a year that way he could take both kids). Its obvious he only cares about Ian, if he does in fact get a house then he wont see Hope since she can only leave me for 2 hours.

In my financial documents I wrote out all my bills and added the midwife bill. Dumbass Jason notes that thats not my bill its his and he has said that he would take care of it, in court and under oath so thats taken care of. Love eyes

So lets just say the judge wasnt impressed with Jason in the least and at the end he said he was ordered to pay 415 a month….short pause….plus 400. :evilgrin

So thats taken care of until the divorce, at that time it could be reversed and he could have to pay the measly 415.

On to me I suppose. I finally got the internet today, its so nice having something faster then 28.8 kbps.

Its so sad, the man I thought I married and the dad that I thought my kids had is nothing more then a selfish pitiful excuse for a human. I was flabbergasted this morning when he said he would only pay 415. I really thought he would start being true to his word but its more obvious now more then ever. I feel so bad for my kids, I want them to have a relationship with Jason but its just not going to happen and me pushing Jason to be there isnt working either. He just does not care, at all.

He also told my attorney that he plans on always staying in school so 1’644 is what he will always make.

I might have been a total bitch to him in our relationship (though now that I have done some reflecting the times I called him stupid are the times that we would fight and he had just been caught in a lie) but at least I am not a liar. I am a painfully honest person, my memory is way to shot for me to try to keep up with the lies so I have always told it like it is and because of that I have some wonderful friends and great support. I dont see how he sleeps at night, I could never forgive myself if I had done what he has done.

I am so happy, I have my freak out moments but I am happy. For the first time in years I am actually in pictures instead of the one taking them and I am smiling to boot.

So thanks for reading, I am so behind on the board but I figured I would fill you all in. I feel like I shouldnt be so happy and feel so good but I am and its nice.
Who knew what divorce could do to a person.


Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

Thread posted “Juli”

It went as well as could be expected. He contested the extra 400 and tried to walk away with the whole stimulus check (that he has had for the past month and a half) and pinning the midwife bill on me (that he already agreed to pay in court). He also said he didnt want the kids names changed which he had previously agreed to and signed on. Everything he ever said he would do he went back on and I was fully expecting it.Firstly, It wasnt the divorce, it was a temporary hearing. His attourney (which looked like she hadnt washed her hair in a while, had a hot pink bra and wore flip flops, winner!) basically wasted our time because everything could have been mediated over the phone but she would never respond to my attourney. So we went down there to negotiate.

First he tried to settle with paying July, halfing the stimulus check with me and having me pay the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said he could give me July, August and September, all of the stimulus check and he had to pay the midwives.
He didnt agree.
He came back and agreed to July, August and giving me half the stimulus and halving the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said I would never sign the stimulus so neither of us would see that money and we would go infront of the judge at a later date and let him make the call.
Court date was set for October 3rd.
We left the building, were in the parking lot and got a call from my attorney. Came back.
He said he would give me spousal for August and September, all the stimulus and he would pay the midwives.
I agreed, have the stimulus check, signed the papers (which still have to be typed up to be official), depositing the check tomorrow. I should get the offical typed papers to sign Thursday. Friday (because I know he wont have talked to his attorney by then) when I see him I am going to tell him that I changed my mind. Just to fuck with him and see the look on his face. Of course everything will be final and I wont really take back my word but it will still be fun.

He didnt bother to change the custody which further makes me realize that he really doesnt want anything to do with Hope. Custody is set for 2 hours on 2 Saturdays a month, thats it. I of course give him more but you would think he would want it written that he can take her.

No geographical restrictions, we can move to New Zealand next month and he couldnt do a damn thing about it.

The kids will be wexxx grxxxx without the dash. He didnt want them having the dash so it will be a second middle name, idiot.

My dad, girlfriends and I laughed the whole times. Even took pictures. I am so glad its over with.

And yes I know I could have went in front of the judge in October to fight for that 400 and I know that some of yall dont see eye to eye with me over the money but I feel good with the agreement. Money really isnt an issue.

In the long run I walked out with 1600 in spousal support which in Texas is rare. 5,500 cash from the bank account, a paid for house and a paid for car. No bills except utilites, everything was paid off before we split. I could be in a much much worse position and I realize that and thank bob every day that I have a roof over my head and tons of help.

Btw, I should have a new laptop screen in a week.


My Dear Juli letter, its what I woke up to on February 13th, 7am. I cant read it in its entierty, I have a couple of times but its been months. I am happily filing it away. Maybe I should just cleans myself from it and throw it away but for now I will hold on to it. I read it all as false now anyways, how anyone could ever do what he has done to one of “the best friends a person could ever have” is beyond me.

Only my best irl friends have seen this…(zoom the page to read the letter)

So here is to new beginings. I am looking forward to school and adjusting fairly well to being a single mom. Ian goes down to see Jason next weekend, I am not happy about him not seeing Hope for a month but he didnt seem to care. Nor am I happy about Nicole being in my childs life but thats something out of my control. They moved into a two bedroom last month, one room is theirs and the other is a study/Ians room. I am pretty positive that all along he has told his family that he is moving out on his own but yeah, thats certainly not the case now.


The only other private blog to be unlocked is the one below…

The past 24 hours

So thats all of it, feel free to call, comment or message me. If you managed to get all this read then congrats, lets do lunch.

By the way, I no longer feel the pain that I felt months ago when I am in this house. I can safely sit in my recliner and sleep in my bed and not toss and turn reliving that day in October.



sarah groves
man, you’ve been through so much and i’m sorry it sucked. but i’m glad you’re happy now and that you have boone to help. i just wish that you were the one i’m still related to! it was weird reading the letter that jason wrote how he listed all the ways he would help out and then see him and realize he’s not doing anything like that….
Posted by sarah on August 16, 2008 – Saturday – 9:22 AM
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sarah groves
sorry about all the crap you went though. it’s weird reading the letter jason wrote and realize he didn’t really want to do all the things he listed to help. i just wish you were the one i was still related to. but i’m happy your happy and that you have boone to help out!
Posted by sarah on August 16, 2008 – Saturday – 9:24 AM
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(max 95 characters) Hahahahaha

Current mood:  ecstatic

I have got to get working on my new overlay, I have the idea in my head but I just havent had the oomph to do it. I wont have the time to do the graphics and coding once school starts so I must do it now. And I know a good 50 or more of yall read these so now is your time to send me a picture or direct me to one, so I can work on what pic to put up to link to your profile. Even if someone else is in the pic send it to me and I can cut them out (ha!).

I found a tat on bme when reading stories on chest pieces and I fell in love with it. I wanted a cherry blossom chest piece and already had an idea and one mostly drawn out but it was more contemporary (and would “match” my other tats). The one I fell in love with was a realistic version. So I pulled it up on photoshop last night and traced it with my tablet and plan on taking it into Derek for inspiration for the one I want done. Its gonna hurt like hell, I know it and I am looking forward to it. My mom called me a masochist, which makes me giggle..she is totally right though. Oh and why a cherry blossom, well it represents great beauty yet is short lived and fragile, like life itself. Click it, it will be pretty big.

And can I just say that I am LOVING the newest =w= album and wish, wish, wish I could go see them again. They will be in Grand Prarie in October…wwwwaaaahhhhh!!!! Maybe I can figure out a way to get there. Looks around for other Weezer fans (and babysitters).

I ordered all but one of my books for school, that was a rather large chunch of change. I still need to get my math book (stupid mathematicians that write expensive fing books) but I have to get that from the book store since its brand new and no one sells it online. Yay for dropping 142 bucks on a book.

But really, things are going wonderfully around here. Loving life at the moment and I am really looking forward to going back to school, its been 9 years but I think my brain still works. Then again I am a River Road graduate and well…

Hopefully the Cannibal stuff will be here by the end of the week. Boone and I spent an hour in kinkos yesterday making copies of the sheet music. Can I just say that we are buying a printer cartridge next time around which I suppose will be soon since we need to make copies of the script.

And Boones shirt came yesterday so I am sure Caleb is oh so excited. lol I am the best girlfriend in the whole wide world.


If you dont mind me saying…

I totally kick ass…

And I cant wait to start school again, I am so freaking excited.

I would have added that to the last blog but a couple of handfuls of people have read it in the past hour and I dont want them to miss the opportunity to read about my kick ass-ness.

That is all, carry on.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
You rock and KICK ASS! Great to hear you are going back to school. You will do well.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 11, 2008 – Monday – 7:46 AM
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What a weekend

Okay so Jason called on Thursday while I was running my million and one errands to appologize for springing what he sprung on me. So he went ahead and took the kids for the weekend and we discussed what we would do from here on out. Now if he sticks to it is yet to be known.

Okay so he comes and gets the kids and I head out the door to r and r to meet Boone and Caleb. We sat on the couch and talked for a while before Boone and I split so he could shower and get ready, got ready, swung by to get Ang and headed to rubys.

So it was our 10 year reunion and it was well…interesting. I suppose for a good percentage of people that read these that didnt go to our school you wouldnt get it. A good portion of us went from 1st grade to graduation together and then ones that entered along the way well, I remember their first day.  I think 96 of us graduated and like every school there was cliques.

Friday we met at Rubys which is one of my favorite places to eat and walking in was hilarious. Yeah, yeah, immature if you will or hell, having a sense of humor…we were sitting at a big cock and balls. It was fan-freaking-tastic, we sat at the balls. Woot! We tried to get a picture but it just wasnt working out all that well but two pictures in my album kind of show it. Anywho, after an hour and change we mostly all mingled and talked and had a good time. We left and went to r and r where I went boobs to moobs (man boobs) with Caleb.

I was actually looking forward to Saturday night even if 2 things that I really dont like (country and bbq) would be the main thing.

So sat we show up fashionably late, bbq seriously squigs me out and I dont think I could take watching people eat it. Anywho, a cock and balls in a smallish room equals party time. Emergency room lighting, cafeteria seating (seriously!) and frat house furniture (btw, I cant believe I am the only one of my girl friends that has ever been to a frat house) in a big ass room equalls…well…a blah time so I might as well make a few people laugh. Hell I wasnt even drunk, not even close but I am sure people thought I was pretty well lit (not that I gave a damn).

We left, then went to play pool and then to Denny so I could FINALLY get my pancakes. Dropped Ang off at home and then headed home. Stayed up till 7am talking with Boone till we eventually passed out.

Jason dropped the kids off rather early, he could have stayed much later but <  insert something rude here>. Whatever. Ian played outside while Boone and I sat on the porch and Hope napped. I let Boone read my dear Juli letter and the lies and by the end of it he was shaking with anger. I wasnt shooting for anger I just wanted him to see the mind games that Jason played with me from day one. He didnt realize just how much he did (mentally) until he read that letter.

We both have baggage, I am sure everyone does, but we each know eachothers baggage and hopefully we can work through it together. I dont think that a single friend of mine was giddy about Boone and I dating at the begining, after all it was really fast after Jason and I split BUT I think most if not all now see that we are good for each other. No one else could I imagine moving forward with the way that we have moved forward but I really think this whole everything happened for a reason.

So today we sat around the house, I drove back to the theater to do something for Boone and by the time I got out my tire had gone flat. This is the second one in 2 weeks, there has got to be something in my driveway that I am running over. Can I just say driving to go get air with two kids in the car is a major pain in the ass, especially if I have to stop on the blvd to get the air. I have a full size spare but I really didnt want to change my tire.

So all in all the weekend was fun. Do I think that things could have been better reunion wise? Yep, sure do. But hey, a good portion of us showed up and it appeared as though we all had fun so I suppose it was a win.

I am so ready for bed!

So last night sucked, I had the worst headache I ever recall having and they were pretty gruesome when I was on clomid. I was at the point of throwing up and nothing I did (dark room, no noise, saline rinse, hot towel, cold towel, unkers, standing on my head, walking around, lillac) was making it go away. I texted Boone around midnight saying my face hurt bad from crying so much and he never replied back.

And then 30 minutes or so later he shows up at my door. Squeeeee…..

I looked like shit, he told me I was beautiful. I had a runny nose and wouldnt kiss him and he said he didnt care and to kiss him anyways dammit. I couldnt stop crying and the headache just would not go away. He just hugged me and told me it will be okay, that he loves me, that he loves my daughter and that he loves my son and he is so happy that I love him.

After sitting and talking it out and uh…other stuff, the headache went away and I  passed out in his arms and slept wonderfully.

Now I have at least 8 places to go to today (yikes) and I am meeting him for lunch. Today will be a much better day, every time I get stomped down I just get that much stronger from it.

And I just love my profile pic. Its not Boone falling asleep pressed against my head, he actually had just whispered I love you in my ear. I dont know what it conveys to people that see it but I know what it conveys to me and anyone thats around us can see just how much he loves me. Its so sweet if not a little nauseating to others at times.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Beautiful…absolutely beautiful.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 10:43 AM
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i love it!!!

and the pic thing, that one is my fav… i see a man in love and it looks like he is smelling the hair of the most important woman in the world to him!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 11:00 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
that’s what it’s all about!
Posted by Always Màthair on August 10, 2008 – Sunday – 4:37 PM
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Why why why why why why why

One of these days I will get it through me thick head that Jason is not to be trusted one damn bit. How anyone would want anything to do with him is beyone me, what in the world is he telling people to keep them around. He is like that little turd in the toilet after you flush that keeps poping up (sorry, that made me laugh and I really need that).

So dumbass calls today talking to me as if nothing is wrong. Tells me he will take the early (short)bus here and will pick up the kids around noon. I say thats fine. Asks when I want Hope on Saturday and I asked if it was for the two hours I said I would watch her. He informs me that he is bringing her back on Saturday, that it is to hard to have both kids (boo fucking hoo). I said no he is taking both both nights like we have been doing for the past couple months and he tells me he only has to see her for 2 hours on Saturday. We got into it from that point on.

Anywho, it just further sinks in to me how much he doesnt want his daughter. I feel like some whore who has different baby daddys and is trying to get them to be a dad. Its hard to believe that I was happily married for years and that in order to get pregnant with Hope in the first place I had to go on fertility drugs for a few months. You would think he would want his daughter but he doesnt.

I am sure the story will get told that I am keeping him from her and I am sure some pathetic people around him will believe that.

You know its sad, many people out there want desperatly to have kids yet its losers like Jason that actually get that gift and stomp on it. He gives dads that want to be there a bad name and he is the type of person that drive people crazy that really want kids.

So now I get to deal with one child thats abandoned and one child that has major entitlement issues (JUST like his sperm donor).

He is so worthless and he is ugly (inside and out)…and he was bad in bed.

HA HA HA…. i almost didn’t see the last part…=] that was funny!!

sorry he sucks so bad!! maybe one day he will grow up!!

so how does he think you take care of two kids? does he think you have nanny or something????????

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 12:13 AM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
I know what you mean about Jason, believe me. It is sad but I am sure the kids know you are an excellent mother and they love you for all that you do for them. Keep fighting girl. He will get what he deserves someday…and then he will regret his decisions. 🙂 Loved your last little point there. Great one.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 7:22 AM
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I want kids, not yours, but kids. Jason’s strange. I don’t think he doesn’t want Hope, but he gets overdramatic about things. Maybe since he has SOOOOO much going on right now (sarcasm) he doesn’t feel like he has time to constantly monitor her, which is what you do with infants. Anyway, I’m not trying to take sides, I’m just trying to think like he does…and throw that out there. Woot. The last few paragraphs (last line) made me laugh ouot loud. LOL, hahaha, LOL, I’m so internet tech. n00b.
Posted by Matt on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 11:47 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
well…I don’t know, but I was thinking if you are concerned of what impression he maybe giving others that you could use your blogs to show what you have been personally dealing with to someone…I don’t know what you want from the divorce, wether you want him to have an amount of custody and visitation, or if you want him out of the picture and child support. I know you said he is filing, but you need to be protected too. It sounds like there is going to be drama between you all for a very long time like this. I am sure it stresses the kids when they are separated since it sounds like they have become very attached to each other. Ian is not the blind child anymore, he is older and sees what is going on, making things harder for him to deal with, the back and forth, the rejection(be it real or just heart felt).
Don’t give in to the mans excuses anymore! And don’t force the kids to see him if they don’t want to. If the experience they are being subjected to is not a positive one it will only scar them more. And try not to show your disapointment, anger and resentment toward him, especially in front of the babies.
Don’t try to figure out why…it doesn’t matter, and you have the power to make the choices in these childrens lives untill they can make their own. Two hours? If he can’t make it something special, why bother. And I would give Ian that same choice.
But that is me Julie! Harley was always my child, my blood my heart and soul of what I wanted from life as a child myself, and and I made it the best I could for him, I gave him myself, always there for him, always open and honest for him, always supporting him in everything he did that I could possibly be a part of. This isn’t just for babies, but struggling teen years, young adult years…that one constant figure that a human growing in turmoil needs. It’s for life, to the end and beyond the grave as far as I am concerned.
For your children, YOU make it the best, positive and enlightening experience on this planet that you can! You won’t regret it! That’s what is important! That they know they have at least one constant connection through their life that will be honest, caring , loving and protective that they can run to no matter what! It gets easier as they grow, when they can intertain themselves, then it gets hard again when they don’t have the answers they need to lifes problems…but this is what it is to be a parent, and you grow right along with them!
I hope you can start to see the better side of being “mom” and not so much the short side off…the donor. We learn by our mistakes, and we go forward. Keep going forward Julie! The best of your life hasn’t happened yet believe it or not!
I wish nothing but the greatest in your life journey and for your children! May there be much happiness in each step you all take!

We are all blessed, sometimes we just don’t see it through the heat and humidity.
I hope nothing I have said offends you in anway! I never intend to bring harm when I start writing books!

Posted by Always Màthair on August 10, 2008 – Sunday – 4:23 PM
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My kids are so cute

Ian and Hope can go anywhere in the house and they do go throughout it all day. So Ian comes running into the living room a bit ago squealing with delight that he put Hope on his bed and they were jumping on it (yes I let my kid jump on HIS bed). So I walk in there and sure enough she is on his bed, happy as can be, crawling all over it.  It was so cute but I reminded Ian to not pick up his sister and put her in places that she cant safely get off of.

They get along so well and it just makes me so happy to hear him say he loves her, to see him crawl all over the floor with her and play hide and seek with her. But constantly he changes his tune to tell me that he loves me and not miss hopie, ugh. He also told dad the other day that daddy didnt love him (Ian). Ugh, ugh…he certainly has never heard that before and dad told him that yes he does and to not ever say that again.

Kids are weird.

I am looking forward to the weekend and especially sleeping in. Either Boone or me have had our kids every weekend since mid May which equaled no sleeping in (for me at least). On the weekends that he has V I am woken up by her jumping on me in the mornings “JULIIIII!!!! I want to give you a hug”. Its cute.

Its also my 10 year reunion and I am looking forward to that as well. Hopefully I dont have to drag the kids with me to Rubys on Friday but I never know when Jason will actually show up.

Divorce is really close to being final, as far as I know the only thing that needs to be done is the judge to sign it. Not looking forward to changing my name on everything, blah. But I want my last name back and I plan on keeping it from now on and I dont care if that slightly irritates anyone…smith is boring anywho.

Lego Indiana Jones has reached the point of pissing me off. One treasure chest is left, just one and the game seems to have a glitch in the level where it is. Everything else, characters, mail. everything is done, grr.

Oh, and I dont know if my last blog read as I have regretted anything but I dont. I am not that type of person and I am very happy with where my life is at the moment.

I also dont feel sick anymore, it was definitely the heat and having this new ac has helped a ton.

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aweee….. your kids love each other!! mine love each other also… but i do NOT remember amber and i loving each other like that……..

love that you are sooooo happy!

love you lots!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on August 5, 2008 – Tuesday – 6:48 PM
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