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Turning a bad into a good


So Friday started off stress full. We had planned on going to the pool with Donna, Kimberly, Kimberly’s friend and Boone and Victoria. I figured if Victoria came then it would give Ian something to do instead of standing around with two people with 2 babys. But Boone had to cancel but we went ahead and went.

For a little bit it was okay but its hard to relax and have a good time when you are holding a baby and watching a crazy 4 year old. We eventually left and I was looking forward to a kid free weekend, I NEEDED it badly.

Got home and right when we were stepping into the shower to wash the chlorine and sunscreen off Jason called to cancel. I was livid, I needed a break and Ian already knew he was going to see his dad (we prep for it on a calendar which we will no longer do). We were all upset, not a good day at all.

Saturday proved no better. Threw a pity party on the phone to various friends wallowing in what my life had become. It was not a good thing and I hate it when the situation overwhelms me so much that I cant even function.

Sunday I woke up and told myself that it would be a better day. Called mom and asked her to watch Hope that night while Ian and I went to wonderland since it was the cheap 10 buck night.

So we went and we had a blast. I dont know if the park has always been that craptastic or if it was just never noticed as a kid but the regular price they charge is ridiculous. I already have an annoyance for PD though, ever since he fired me…bastard, with a police escort and all.

Ian rode all sorts of things, things that made Jason sick a few years ago. He is so ready for Six Flags. Hardly any lines too. I was so proud of him. We really ended the weekend with the bang that brought us closer together.








The rest of the pics are in the June 08 album.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
oh yay!!

so good to hear you guys got to have a great time!!

wonderland IS alot better when you experience it with your babies!!

i am so happy your weekend ended well!!!!

=]=]

lots of luv!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 30, 2008 – Monday – 10:51 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It’s amazing what a good laugh on a silly little ride will do for your body and soul!
Posted by Always Màthair on June 30, 2008 – Monday – 5:55 PM
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Number one and two


The top two stupidest things to ever come out of Jasons mouth…

Number one: When asked why he slept with Nicole?
Answer “It was finals week and I was stressed. You wouldnt even kiss me (btw, wasnt even 3 week postpartum). You know how physical of a person I am Juli.”

Guess since he had already fucked up he felt the need to keep sleeping with her over and over again. Eeewwww that she knew he was sleeping with me too. Oh wait, she probably thinks she had him all to herself. Newsflash homewrecker, Jasons a very physical person. lol

And Number two:When asked why he wasnt coming up this weekend (after the previous 4 excuses weren’t covering it).
Answer “Its just not worth it”.

Score one point for team dipshit.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
Well I could go on and on about my thoughs and feeling of this guy, but it would not be very nice nor would it be positive…

So I will just say, if you ever need and ear, you have my number…

lots of luv~~

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 28, 2008 – Saturday – 12:28 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I worked with a girl years ago that had personalized license plates on her car. I had to ask her what it ment…duh?

MNRSCM

Still makes me laugh!

Posted by Always Màthair on June 28, 2008 – Saturday – 2:19 PM
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Dear worlds longest…


Dear worlds longest day. Please end now. Thanks, Juli



This is what I have to deal with when it comes to Jason


> On Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 11:54 PM, Juli Why wrote:
>>
>> So I got my letter today saying when the divorce is. Kind of a bummer
>> that its on your dads birthday.
>> Anywho, see you Friday (or Saturday). Just a heads up, both kids are
>> going with you.
>>
>> Juli

On Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 8:13 AM, Jason Groves wrote:
> I have to take a late bus because I have a final on Friday. Which means
> that I will not be in town until (at the earliest), well after Hope goes to
> sleep. So as far as taking Hope for Friday night, you’ll have to talk to
> Mom and Dad.

> On Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 1:09 PM, Juli Why wrote:
>>Whatever Jason. I will ask them, sure seems like you want to take an
>>active role in being a father to your daughter.

Jason Groves to me

show details 3:28 PM (2 hours ago)

Reply

That’s simultaneously disingenuous and insulting.

You already know that I don’t think she should be staying overnight for more than a night. Additionally, you know that I’m in school, with no car, and only able to take buses.

If it were possible for me to reschedule my final (and I tried, it is not), then I would have. But it isn’t, so I have to wait on the buses. Which means I’m leaving late Friday at the earliest.

I will be in town. I will be there as early as is possible for me to be there.

And mine…

Juli Why to Jason

show details 6:23 PM

Reply

I am glad it got to you because seriously Jason, I wonder sometimes if
you want anything to do with her at all.

And no, a half assed blip of a “only one night” isnt really a
discussion. You dont take the time to talk to me about how the kids
were when they stay with you so I pretty much have to assume stuff.
Except when Ian tells me you cry, then I know you had a rough time.

You have NO idea what its like to parent two kids on your own. Feed
them, get them baths, get them to bed night after night. So sorry you
have to do it a whopping 4 days (at best) a month. I am doing
fantastically at it but I do want our kids to have a relationship with
you. I told you I would take Hope for a couple of hours on Saturday
for the transition to be easier, thats the last thing that was
mentioned.

You would think you would fight to see your children more but I swear
if it wasnt for your parents taking such an active role I dont think
you would see them all that much. It breaks my heart to hear Ian say
over and over again that he wants us back together and that he wants
you. For it to not even be on your radar speaks volumes to me. I dont
want you but its still his dream to have us together again. Obviously
he cant have that so the next best thing is for him to have you as
often as possible and the same applies for Hope. She might not be able
to say she wants you but she does, she misses you so you need to be
there for her. Being there for her includes being the first person she
see in the morning. Wink

Of course she misses me when I am gone but I am not the one that has
to establish a relationship with her. You do, you have to take the
active part otherwise you will just be some guy that she sees every
few weeks and I dont want it to be that way.

You know, you could pick up the phone and call me. You could discuss
what we should do with the kids but instead you send me cold short
emails. And I dont believe for one minute that you dont have time to
do so, its just that school is just SO much more important than
anything else. Always has been and always will be.

————————–

Boo fucking hoo to him. He would have nothing to do with Hope unless I pushed her on him. He is so distant towards her, brings her back to me and leaves her in the car seat. I am sure this wont end good but I am loosing my patience with him (is that obvious).

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
WoW…

So sorry to hear this is continuing to be difficult… I guess it always is.

I would like to say how well I think you handle things… It seems

you have been very patient and resonable with him… maybe he will realize

how much easier that makes the difficult situation.

=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 24, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:21 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Julie,
I know the kids don’t understand, be thankful for that, maybe you can find a way of explaining how people are in a way that Ian can cope with so he doesn’t think you are a bad person for not being with dad. Sadly what they see is mommie and daddy are not together, and not untill they get older will they really see what horrible things life can throw at them.
I know Harley would have had a hard time at that age dealing with a separation or divorce between his dad and I, but as he got older the wounds to him got greater and I have told him so many times how sorry I was that he had to deal with a man that was not truly a father to him.
It only got worse with the years. After two years I can walk away from him without feeling pushed or pulled and it was very hard from 30 years of emotional abuse! We learn from those things and hopefully move forward…it may come to a point that although the kids want to see dad, dad may distance himself from them when they are together and come to the point where he resents even having to take them. Don’t force the kids, and always talk to them about their visits to see if they are ejoying it, or hating it. ALWAYS TALK TO THEM! It isnt’ so important that Jason is in their lives if he can’t take the time to truly BE WITH them in all ways. Don’t let them become pawns in the struggle! Love them, protect them. YOu are their rock! The truth will come out with space.
Posted by Always Màthair on June 27, 2008 – Friday – 5:45 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
P.S.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

Posted by Always Màthair on June 27, 2008 – Friday – 5:48 PM
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Dear Parents…


Some day, when I grow big and have a chance to move out on my own and have kids and all, I will make sure that I follow the money because, really…thats all that matters. Never mind finding happiness, thats worthless unless the person makes at least 100k a month. No way could I get a career of my own and support myslef and the kids, I MUST have a man do it for me.

Oh wait…didnt I JUST have someone support me (actually he still is) for the past five years while I sat at home making babies and taking care of them? Maybe my goal in life is to be independent. And yes, I realize that I need to figure out what I want to do career wise and right now I have chosen graphic design, that will probably change over time.

But really. I love yall, and I appreciate you helping me out in this crazy time in my life. Its nice looking out my front door and knowing you are so close. Thanks mom for never inserting your foot in your mouth while having conversations with my ex while his girlfriend is sitting right next to him. A girlfriend that has a rather large mouth but nicely and quietly sat holding in her laughter.

Its nice that we have reconnected and you have both realized that the apple didnt fall far from the tree. And since you know this please understand why I will never seek wealth. You didnt raise me that way so 28 years after the fact you cant possibly think that I will all of a sudden change my tune.




July 15th, 1pm


Thats the date, thats when my divorce will be. I of course knew it was coming and I am looking forward to having it over with but its jarring to see a date to know that this really is happening.

Its almost 7 months to the day after he told me that he was in love with someone else. Time has flown by but at times it has stood still. Can yall believe its been 7 months already? Craziness!

1 month and 1 week shy of our 5 year wedding anniversary, I feel rather blah that we didnt even make it that long.

It will be 1 week after my 28th birthday.

Mark your calendars for the weekend after.




Fuck


Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Just when I think I am okay, moving forward. I dont know…HAPPY, I stop and realize just how much this whole situation is fucked up.

I hate you Jason Willice Groves, you lying adulterant piece of shit. I hope you rot in Hell right next to your worthless piece of shit whore of a girlfriend.

That is all…

And an hour and change later I feel much better. I still want to shake some sense into him. Can he not see what he is missing? Can he not see that he is being replaced? Does he even care?

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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Keep letting it out. It will help you in the long run. People do stupid things and what sucks is those who don’t deserve it have to experience most of the frustration while the offender just moves on like nothing ever happened. Don’t you worry, sooner or later he will get what is coming to him. He can’t play games forever. Take care and enjoy the beauty in your life now, you deserve happiness and so do your children. I am thankful you have found that my dear.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on June 18, 2008 – Wednesday – 9:53 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Give it about two years…seriously. That is how long it took me.
Don’t worry…be happy!
Posted by Always Màthair on June 18, 2008 – Wednesday – 5:54 PM
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This isnt working, he just doenst get me and I guess I dont get him. Ever since Recas graduation party night things have been so off. I can see it, I can feel it. Some days are great and some days are not. Is it even worth it?

I am telling him my feelings because hiding them is what got Jason and I into so much shit but I tell him and he gets pissed off. He has been so fing busy and when we have time together we really dont. The only time we talk is on the phone, the only time we have sex is when he is really drunk and horney. The only time he shows great affection is when other people are around, as if he as to prove something.

I hate this. I love him and he loves me but something has got to change before it all just blows up. He is supposdly spending the night tonight, I think he will but I think he will just sit infront of the damn box and ignore me.

I hate to say it but I miss Jason. I wonder if he has missed me at any point in the last 4 months.

Boones not the “one”, their I said it. Tomorrow I will come along and feel differently but right now this whole situation hurts.




Small update


This weekend was awesome, I got to go eat dinner with girlfriends, see desert devils and spend all day Sunday with the kids, Boone and Victoria. Ian and Victoria did awesome, some meltdown parts throughout the day but for the most part they did great. It was just a wonderful day spent with people that I love to pieces.

Hope is close to crawling, she manages to get one leg up under her and go forward but after thats she just rolls to where she needs to get. Really cute though although two kids running around the living room while she rolls about is rather scary. Her bottom two teeth are almost all the way in, so cute. This coming Saturday will be her first night away from me, she is spending Saturday night with Jason.

Ians doing a bit better behavior wise but this next weekend is Jasons weekend so I am sure we will have some reset time after that.

I am doing very good. I am being rewarded constantly in knowing that I can parent alone, its really not all that bad after all. I can now give everyone in the household a bath, at the same time. A feat that I thought would be impossible without someone to pass Hope off too. Another feat I thought impossible, even with Jason around was to have a third child. But I occasionally watch Victoria for Boone and the 4 of us do rather well. I am way out numbered arm wise but all 3 can fit on my lap just fine.

Its just awesome, everything is working out so much better then what I ever imagined it would. Bumps along the way, some days their are more bumps then others but we make it through it okay.

I dont think Jason will ever know just how much this divorce has done for me. Its pushed me into situations that I never imagined I would be pushed into and in every situation I have been pushed into I have come out a better person. Every day is a challenge but a welcome challenge.

Now all I need to do is loose all this weight I gained since having Ian.

I am a fatass,  I dont mind admitting it, I know I have got to loose this weight that I have gained in the past 4 years. So I got me a wii fit, nothing better then having a video game tell you that you are obese and then plumping your mii up to where it looks like you could be rolled out the door.

I weight 211 pounds, yep thats right. I am FAT! But, I am doing something about it thanks to the wii and numerous workout videos. Why am I tell you all this? So you can ride my ass about being so overweight.

I learned tonight that I have excellent posture (my mii age is 27, I will be 28 in 1 month), I cant do a push up for crap, running without a bra is a BAD idea and that yoga actually is a workout.

This should be fun. 🙂




Just another hiccup along the way


Every once in a while I sit back and reevaluate this whole marriage/divorce thing. I am constantly trying to answer the whys so I dont end up in the exact same situation as before. I know a big part of Jason and I’s undoing had to do with me mimicking what I had been around my whole life…my parents.

I am not going to get into stuff that I hashed out back in October, some of yall know what I am talking about and some dont. I learned from it and did what I needed to do to fix that part. But today I remembered another thing that I was trying to get away from for so many years.

I love my dad, I really do. But sometimes he has this monster that comes out and its always scared the shit out of me. This is something that I tried to escape with Jason. Very very rarely was Jason flat out verbally mean to me, I mean very rarely (he insulted me often but I am not counting those times). It made me feel safe. I think thats why I freak out (on the inside) when Boone has a moment of not so happiness. I automatically start thinking that he is going to go off on me while I cower in the corner. At that moment in time I see it as horrible because I am expecting something thats not going to happen. That probably makes no sense to anyone but me…

At any rate I came home tonight, about 20 minutes after I should have been home. I looked at the clock and started heading out the door at 10 till but didnt leave until 15 after, how that happened I dont know.

Well I get to my parents house and dad just lays into me (while holding Ian). Telling me how he is not up my ass, how Boone needs to give me gas money  (he does plus its none of dads business anywho), how I need to park the car and stay at home, fucking this, dammit that, on and on and on. He storms out the door with Ian over to my house. I sat and talked to mom since she was giving Hope a bottle, about 7 minutes later he storms back in with Ian.

Says something about pajamas, I told him I never asked him to get him in pajamas. He goes off on me some more, tells me to shut the hell up multiple times, throw in some damns and fucks and he storms off again.

I just sat there with mom as we both stared at each other. Hope finished her bottle and she walked me over because I didnt want to be in the house with just dad.

This is what I ran from for 23 years, this is why I went for Jason. I knew he would never talk to me that way and I knew he would never ever do so in front of the kids. I took the first person I found that made me feel safe and I went for it only to be left 5.5 years later, with two kids living 35 feet from my parents, getting yelled at the same as before.

Shit shit shit…

When times like that happen I start planning my escape, the easy thing would to go get married and move away again but duh, that didnt work the first time and it surely wont work again.

Just another hiccup along the way, another realization as to why I am here and what I need to work through before I can really move on.

Sigh

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
that sucks!! i totally understand the whole… having to put up with parents cause they are helping out. its not that you are being ungrateful it just seems that they are sometimes irrational. and you start feeling trapped and that is THE worst feeling ever!!!

sorry that happend!

luvya lots!!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 6, 2008 – Friday – 10:53 AM
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The long weekend


So this weekend was loooooong, it usually is when Friday night is my night to go out. It started off decently well, Jasons dad came and picked up Ian, I went and picked up Boone at his moms house, drove to Hunters celebration of life and then we went to our all year high school reunion.

It was fun but we could have saved 20 bucks and hung out elsewhere with the same people. It was fun hanging out with Donna though. 😉

Saturday was a long, never ending day. Someone gave Boone a cough (could have been me or someone else) and he pretty much felt like crap the whole day. Hope was craptastic, she just would not nap even though she was so tired. She finally got some sleep when I dropped off Boone at the theater while Victoria and I went and got some food.

Sunday I woke up sad, you know those days when you just cry for no reason. I sat in Kirbys room and fed Hope for an hour before leaving his room and going into Boones to sulk some more.  He came in and hugged me which made me feel much better, on with the day I suppose. Drove back into town, dropped off Boone and Victoria. Hope and I drove to Angelas and we sat and talked a bit, drove and picked up Ian then we bought a few groceries.

Ians been a major turd ever since spending those 10 days with Jason. It seems that every answer to my question is a snotty “no” or he just plain talks back. A week and change ago he high tailed it on a tricycle to 6th street, he was maybe 20 feet from rolling onto the street before Boone caught up to him. That was a mess, him not listening to anyone is just not working so he has been in some deep shit since then.

He was doing better but yesterday after picking him up he started in with the no crap while at the grocery store. Grrr, its like I get him out of the habit then its Jasons week and he reverts right back into turd mode.

Anywho, we came home and he played outside until the sun was down. Hope was already asleep and I was just exhausted so when he came in I just got him in his jammies and had him sleep in my bed.

3:30 am I hear this disgusting sound of rushing water. I get up, flick on the light and sure enough he had thrown up all over the bed…all over. So I drag him out of bed, put him in front of the toilet and start ripping off sheets. I know, I know, the poor kid is covered in vomit and I am freaking out over my bed but dammit that stuff stank and I didnt want it seeping into my mattress. Did I mention that he knocked down the thing in the corner above the bed that held over 100 stuffed animals. So not only is massive amounts of puke on the pillows, covers and sheets its also all over multiple stuffed animals. Yucko. So I gather the nasty stuff, throw it in the laundry basket, sop up the vomit that went through the sheet and then go and clean him off. Get him all changed again, grab the baking soda, cover the nasty spots and then put a new sheet on. Vomit seeped through the duvet cover onto the feather down comforter so we couldnt sleep under that, the other duvet/comforter was in the other room so we slept with some throw blankets instead.

I dont know why puke always happens at 3am but I am proud of the way it was handled. Many times I have woken up to clean up vomit but I always had help, this time it was all me on the cleaning crew, it sucked but it wasnt all that bad.

Thank god the weekend is over. I normally look forward to them but this last one just seemed never ending and boy did it ever end with a bang.

Btw, Hope had her “first” solids earlier today, pics are in the June 08 album.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Juli, I know what you are going through with Ian’s mood changing after spending time with his father. My kids do exactly the same thing and when they come home we have two weeks to get them back to normal and into our routines, just in time to go back to doing whatever they like over there at their father’s house. It is frustrating and endless. Hopefully one way when the kids grow older they will figure it out and things will level off. Until then we can comiserate together.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on June 4, 2008 – Wednesday – 10:40 PM
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