May 24th, 2008
This is Jasons weekend and when no one had come to pick Ian up by 4 yesterday I called Jason to see what was up, he said he was on his way. So he walks in, Ian on my lap and Hope on the floor in front of us (we were all sitting on the floor). He came in and sat right in front of us, saying hello to Ian and picking up Hope (which he never does). It was sweet but she didnt react to him like she does with Boone, she lights up the room when he talks to her.
So anywho, we sat and talked and talked and talked…finally. It felt really good, the last time I really talked to him was before our custody hearing. The weekend after I was annoyed with him, I mean he did try to get away with not paying the extra 400 and I was just annoyed. The weekend after the custody hearing he walked into the house as if nothing had happened and asked if I needed anything (which is what he has always done before). I told him yes, hook up the cd player because I had no idea how to do it. He said sure and headed back to the bedroom to get the cords (I was on the phone at the time). I freaked out and told him to stop, that I would go get the cords. I freaked out because Boone was back in the bedroom and I didnt want him to see him. Ever since that day Jason has been off with me, that is until yesterday.
So yesterday, before he left, Boone called and at the end of the conversation (and it was obvious I was talking to Boone) Boone said I love you and habit, I said I love you back. Jason just looked at me, sort of empty-ish.
Before he left I told him that Hope has been waking earlier and to call when Ian wakes up so he can come get her. 8:45am and still no call so I called him. He sounded like crap, crap crap. I asked him if it was his sinuses and he said yes, among other things. Said he didnt sleep at all last night and that it would be better if I brought Hope over because he didnt trust himself to drive. So I packed her up and left.
I admit, on the drive over I had a million and one things going through my head. What if he wants me back, what if he tries to kiss me, what if the dream I had the other night (about him and Nicole splitting up) was true. So I get there walk in, he takes Hope and I ask him what is wrong.
He says its all just caught up to him, with school he was so focused on passing (he made a C in one of his classes, this is coming from someone that has always had a 4.0 or better) and that now that school is out its all just hit him and hit him hard. Said he was up all night puking, blah, blah, blah. I said “do you have any idea how many sleepless nights I have gotten, complete with puking, where I had to wake up and parent a newborn and a 4 year old all by myself?”. He said he knew and that he was sorry and thats why he said for me to bring Hope over even though he felt like crap.
I asked him how him and Nicole were and yes it was a genuine question. Being so everything with Boone, I kind of understand where Jason was at a few months ago. Being so in love with this other person yet obligated to me and the kids, its an odd position to be in and in order to heal and move on I have put myself in his shoes the best I can just to try to figure out the why and hows of it all. Anywho he admitted that things were okay but that they could be better.
Well of course its bliss and all when lust is the only thing thats driving you but when the world comes crashing in on you thats when a relationship will succeed or fail and I am thinking that fail is what is about to happen. I think he has known for a while now that I am happier now then I have been in years and I think yesterdays “I love you” just sealed it for him. He sees that I am moving on, happily. He sees that I can do this parenting thing on my own, I mean two kids down in less then 20 minutes at night, no way could he do that.
He told me time and time again that he just wanted me to be happy and that he was not the person that I could be happy with. He was right, he is right but now that its really happened I think he is taken back by it.
So no crying into my arms asking to be taken back, he is to prideful for that, but I know he is feeling it now and I know that he is just now looking around at what he is missing. I can see him staying with Nicole because he doesnt want to fail again. I pity her, I really do. Jason is so lost, what she fell in love with is not what she has now.
Btw, he had no clue that I hadnt received the child support until the 13th, his attorney said she would send it the next day. When I told him that she didnt send it until my attorney called her he was floored and apologized. The divorce should be sometime after mid June and he asked for the time to be set sometime in the afternoon so I dont have to get the kids up at 5am to drive to Lubbock.
So all in all I feel calm. I knew something was going on with him but he is just not the person to admit it until everything has already fallen apart which is exactly how we landed here in the first place. Its just going to happen again and again, everything is going to keep falling apart (relationships, jobs, etc) until he learns to be honest with himself and other people.