April 30th, 2008
Current mood: blissful
All these years I thought I had it, I thought I had the perfect husband and father for my children. All I needed was for our fence to be painted white.
I didnt realize until after Jason told me he was in love with this other person (back in October) that our relationship really wasnt what I had always perceived it to be. I knew along the years that I was unhappy but I thought that kids and being together would somehow make it all better. He hated being around me and he really always had. The only time he seemed to enjoy me was for sex or if other people were around (and I think thats just because I didnt focus on him). I seemed to always be forcing love on him and I figured if he knew I loved him he wouldnt leave. I also didnt feel comfortable around him, he never really got my sarcastic humor and bluntness.
But Boone does. Its like we have known each other for many many years. Known as in always been there for each other not just known of each other. The timing of this is so abrupt but its there and its happened. I dont think anyone else sees it but we can spend hours talking about everything, from politics to religion and even disagree with each other but still very much enjoy the conversation. I dont fear he will leave me. I dont act like someone I am not, no need to dress a certain way or talk a certain way. I can make a joke and not feel bad for it.
I hope this is what Jason feels around Nicole but I am afraid its not. I really do want him to be happy because we were not happy with each other. I hope he has worked out in his head what all went wrong and not blammed it all on me. I am working it all out in mine and I know it wasnt all his fault. Thats why when people say stuff about Jason it gets to me, its as if no one wants to know that I could have had some responsibilities in the failed relationship as well. In order for me to move on I have to recognize that and fix that; not robbed of it and patted on the head and told that he is the one that screwed up.
I am concerend about Jason, you can tell he is killing himself inside. If he would just talk to me, if he would let me tell him its okay then I think he would do better. He is a jerk for lying to me all these years and for still lying to me but I dont want him to be just dead to the world because it effects the kids. Right, I didnt run off but I did let our relationship get to a point to where it could happen. I am trying to let go of that resentment and I think I am almost at that point.
So what is LO? It started off with Boone and I jokingly saying we lo ed each other (and he came up with this). It wasnt a joke but we just couldnt say it, couldnt finish the word even if we both wanted too. Then yesterday he asked me if I loved him, oh the meltiness of it all. It was such a sweet moment and then Ian came running in from outside “Booone, I need you”. Boone went and came back and he told me he loved me and that he had been holding it back for weeks….more meltiness, then Ian fell off the porch. lol I brought him inside, washed off and kissed his ouchies and put arnica on him and back off outside as if nothing happend.
Thank God for my kids, they are keeping me grounded and also helping me know that what I am feeling is true.
I have fallen in Love with Boone and I know it, I feel it. Its the same joy, happiness, contentment I get with my kids. Its knowing that not every moment of every day will not be rainbows and unicorns. Its knowing that those moments where its not, the challenges are what will make us grow together even more.
And he feels the same way. This person that has had so many problems with trust issues when it came to past relationships feels the same way, it took him 1.5 years to tell Aubrey he loved her.
And we told each other we would take it slow and look whats happend. Both of us are just in awe that it happened so fast but we are also welcoming of it. I didnt realize what all I was missing until he came along.
I have fallen in love with Boone and he has fallen in love with me.
My life is going so fantastically right now. I have my friends back and my family back. Ians behavior is great and Hope is sleeping well again. We go out and have fun as a family together which is something we never did with Jason. I look forward to going to the park with the kids on the weekends that I have them, its really helping my relationship with Ian.
This is a diary/preferred list but once the divorce is final I will put it as public.
I so cant wait for my divorce party!