March 31st, 2008
I go back and forth with myself asking if I should really be this happy when not even 2 months ago my husband left me for someone else. Why am I this happy?
Some of you might think you know the answer but you really dont. Its not a guy thats making me happy its me accepting what is going on and what was really going on the past 6 years. Now does knowing that at least one person out there would want to be with a divorced mom of two help soften the blow? Well yes, it does. But men are not what I need to bring me up and put me in a happy mood. I need to be able to do it on my own or at the very least with my children. I need to accept the fact that I am a single mom and I have got to learn to do it on my own. I was once a very independent person but somewhere along the line (and it was before Jason) I got into my head that I needed someone to support me, both emotionally and financially.
For all of Ians life Jason was always the one to put Ian down to sleep. Every night I would sit and wait on edge hoping that Ian would go to sleep quickly and easily. The nights when he didnt were pure hell, Jason would get pissed and it usually made for a bad next day. Back in October when Jason told me he was in love with another person (I was 37 weeks pg) one of the biggest things that freaked me out (besides my birth plan being shot to shit) was that I had no idea how to put Ian to sleep. When it was decided that we would both (ha) work on our marriage I tried to put Ian down myself but usually failed at the task.
When we finally split in February this was still a very large concern of mine but now its not just Ian, its Hope too. It took a month for me (and Ang, thanks sweet cheeks) to organize the house to where we could all move back in so in that time my parents would put Ian down to sleep. Now we are all over here and its been surprisingly easy and is actually my favorite part of the day. Hope, Ian and I all sleep in the same room. Hope with me in the king bed and Ian in his twin bed thats right next to mine. At night we get jammies on and pile into bed. I nurse Hope to sleep and then turn over and Ian holds my finger and is out in less then five minutes. Its the sweetest thing ever.
At first I was afraid to sleep alone but I am not. I am surrounded by more love now then I had ever had the past few years. This is true love the kind thats not there just because it feels obligated to do so.
Some days are harder then others. I wont lie, Ian really tries my patience. Some moments I think I want Jason back because it would be easier and it would be in the laundry/dinner/cleaning/shopping sense but we would both be miserable. I want to be loved again and I deserve to be loved again and not lied to about every little thing.
Tonight we were all sitting in bed and Ian kept bringing up daddy and mommas house again (he does this often and we go around and around). I once again told him that this is no longer daddys house and that he will never live with us again. Ian just looked at me and said “but daddy loves you”. How do you explain this to a child? THATS the hard part, thats the knife in the heart part, thats what brings me to tears every.single.time. Its not about me and Jason its about our kids, especially Ian but I seem to be the only one of the two of us that cares. Jasons just concerned about getting laid and getting yet another degree which right now he is succeeding in both.
Thats okay though, I will succeed in them as well (at a later date of course) but also come out as the best mom my kids could ever want. I know I havent shoved them to the side and made my focus all about me and it feels good knowing that I will come out on top a happy, confident, loving, understanding person that just so happens to be called momma.
So thats why I am ecstatic. Good things happen to good people and right now I am proof of that.
|Cheyenne aka Mommy