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My ecstatic mood

Current mood:  ecstatic

I go back and forth with myself asking if I should really be this happy when not even 2 months ago my husband left me for someone else. Why am I this happy?

Some of you might think you know the answer but you really dont. Its not a guy thats making me happy its me accepting what is going on and what was really going on the past 6 years. Now does knowing that at least one person out there would want to be with a divorced mom of two help soften the blow? Well yes, it does. But men are not what I need to bring me up and put me in a happy mood. I need to be able to do it on my own or at the very least with my children. I need to accept the fact that I am a single mom and I have got to learn to do it on my own. I was once a very independent person but somewhere along the line (and it was before Jason) I got into my head that I needed someone to support me, both emotionally and financially.

For all of Ians life Jason was always the one to put Ian down to sleep. Every night I would sit and wait on edge hoping that Ian would go to sleep quickly and easily. The nights when he didnt were pure hell, Jason would get pissed and it usually made for a bad next day. Back in October when Jason told me he was in love with another person (I was 37 weeks pg) one of the biggest things that freaked me out (besides my birth plan being shot to shit) was that I had no idea how to put Ian to sleep. When it was decided that we would both (ha) work on our marriage I tried to put Ian down myself but usually failed at the task.

When we finally split in February this was still a very large concern of mine but now its not just Ian, its Hope too. It took a month for me (and Ang, thanks sweet cheeks) to organize the house to where we could all move back in so in that time my parents would put Ian down to sleep. Now we are all over here and its been surprisingly easy and is actually my favorite part of the day. Hope, Ian and I all sleep in the same room. Hope with me in the king bed and Ian in his twin bed thats right next to mine. At night we get jammies on and pile into bed. I nurse Hope to sleep and then turn over and Ian holds my finger and is out in less then five minutes. Its the sweetest thing ever.

At first I was afraid to sleep alone but I am not. I am surrounded by more love now then I had ever had the past few years. This is true love the kind thats not there just because it feels obligated to do so.

Some days are harder then others. I wont lie, Ian really tries my patience. Some moments I think I want Jason back because it would be easier and it would be in the laundry/dinner/cleaning/shopping sense but we would both be miserable. I want to be loved again and I deserve to be loved again and not lied to about every little thing.

Tonight we were all sitting in bed and Ian kept bringing up daddy and mommas house again (he does this often and we go around and around). I once again told him that this is no longer daddys house and that he will never live with us again. Ian just looked at me and said “but daddy loves you”. How do you explain this to a child? THATS the hard part, thats the knife in the heart part, thats what brings me to tears every.single.time. Its not about me and Jason its about our kids, especially Ian but I seem to be the only one of the two of us that cares. Jasons just concerned about getting laid and getting yet another degree which right now he is succeeding in both.

Thats okay though, I will succeed in them as well (at a later date of course) but also come out as the best mom my kids could ever want. I know I havent shoved them to the side and made my focus all about me and it feels good knowing that I will come out on top a happy, confident, loving, understanding person that just so happens to be called momma.

So thats why I am ecstatic. Good things happen to good people and right now I am proof of that.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
That is the damn truth girl. You are a great person and sometimes the rewards come in mysterious ways! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on April 1, 2008 – Tuesday – 9:36 AM
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Karen Jane
That was hard for me too with Jayce. Warren always woke up with her at night, and that was so hard for me at first. Just know (from a single mom of FOUR YEARS, man that makes me proud) that it does get easier, and things do fall in to place. Man or not, the best joy is know that you have your own back, and you can take care of you no matter what. And you get his momey every month. And you get to laugh about it.
Posted by Karen Jane on April 1, 2008 – Tuesday – 5:31 PM
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Always Màthair
Love is knowing that you have been given a gift that you can devote your whole being to for as long as you can…that is what miracles are! I cannot imagine living this long without the joy and trials of young people around me to share life with! It makes it all worth it!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 1, 2008 – Tuesday – 6:20 PM
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Doing the happy dance

Yep thats me, shaking my butt and doing the happy dance.
I cant wait till this divorce is actually over!
I sent in my papers for the church and I am officially free. Funny how its the “only true church” yet I keep getting blessed.
I just want to skip around the house all night.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Way to go girl! Isn’t it nice to be free and actually be able to breathe for the first time in so many years? I am so happy for you. Take care of yourself and your beautiful children. 🙂 Keep smiling and dancing…
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on March 24, 2008 – Monday – 7:29 PM
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Karen Jane
I love you Julie July! Congrats!
Posted by Karen Jane on March 25, 2008 – Tuesday – 8:05 PM
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Just waiting for me to kill myself….

Thats what Jason had been waiting on since I had Ian. Thanks for letting me know or letting my parents know, heck even my friends know. It never did happen (not even close) and it never will and instead of telling me you distanced yourself to the point of no return.

Its been a month to the day since we seperated. He still lies to me, his empty promises mean nothing to me but one day our kids will catch on.

I am much stronger without him.
I am much happier without him.

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Cheyenne aka Mommy
What an idiot Jason is. I am so thankful you are happier and stronger without him. You deserve a life of your own and now you have it! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on March 14, 2008 – Friday – 8:31 AM
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Always Màthair
I am so sorry!
but it isn’t hard to see that God has other plans for you! Glad you could escape sister!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 14, 2008 – Friday – 8:17 PM
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