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Its been a while

and will probably be longer before I blog again. I just dont have the time right now, plus when I do they will probably be on my website not myspace.

I was taking a short break, I had all sorts of school work to catch up on and now I am working full time for the next couple weeks. So I have been slammed. Checked my grades last night, 2 A’s and 1 B…not so bad.

But theese last (almost 4) weeks have been the best weeks I have had in years. Lots of absolutly great things have happened, not one bad day out of the bunch and thats even with projects getting corrupted and having to start over, my first speeding ticket in almost 13 years and craziness with finals.

So life IS good GREAT! I am going to miss my fellow graphic design students over the summer though…

Bad news first

I still feel like crap, wanting to vomit on a constant basis sucks (because of the antibiotics). I am also still out of it for the most part, got to school around 8:30am and didnt leave until 5:15 pm with no breaks, didnt even remember to go pee. lol Didnt eat either.

But the good news is I was one of the three picked out of my typography (I think 13 are in our class) class to have our work showcased in the library. It will be showcased from May1st to July 1st on the first floor.

That made me rather happy! Also made a 95 on my last math test, woot.

And with that I am off to curl up in bed and hopefully get some sleep. I woke up hourly last night. 🙁


Sara Graves- Martinez
wow! i am so happy that you are doing so well in school! wish you felt better! i will pray for you… =]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 15, 2009 – Wednesday – 9:02 PM
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High pain tolerance

Being sick happens, eh, nothing I can do about it really. Thursday I started feeling like poo and it just go worse from there. Today, Tuesday, I am finally taking myself to the doctor. I havent gone to the doc since working at nationwide back in 2001 (and that was for anxiety attacks). I had an ob when I was pg with Ian (5 years ago) but I am not counting that. And of course didnt have a doc with Hope.

I always say I have a high pain tolerance, I did after all have Hope without even a Tylenol. But this, this I am assuming sinus infection, hurts.like.HELL! Even with inhaling steam, nasal rinses, unkers out the ass, applying warm/hot compresses it has done nothing but get worse by the day.

The only way to get to sleep last night was to take a sleeping pill, thank god I had those left over from the last pregnancy. But it made me really tired today and after waking I find my right side of the face totally swollen, when I bite down I catch a good deal of tissue on that side of my face. My throat, jaw, eyes everything on that side is in pain. And my ear hurts so freaking bad, its been leaking all night/day so I put some tissue up to it to check the color out and its bleeding. Waaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

So its off to the doctor I go to throw down money.

sorry it’s so bad! i hope the stupid doctor helps! 🙂
Posted by sarah on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 4:12 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
ugh! sounds painful! be sure and update!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:55 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
EEEWWWWWWWW! Now I am going to dream about things coming out of me ears! Doesn’t sound too good with all that other stuff involved.
Hang in there!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 11:28 PM
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Current mood:  blank

Tuesday, the day after the last promise broken, I said we needed to talk before we went to Portales. Promised to stay over Thursday and that he would be sober.
Wednesday, texted after 2am…didnt talk of course.
Thursday, after sitting in the truck for over 30 minutes (assuming he was sobering up) he stumbles in the door. I am sick and every touch shook me more awake. Now its almost one am, I am wide awake and dont care to be around the wine and rum breath….
Sleeping on the couch (or in the kids room with Ian), yet another promise broken.
I am so stupid.


Sara Graves- Martinez
oh, hun! you are NOT stupid! you are a woman in love. if things keep going this way that will change though. i know your heart is broken by this…
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 9:39 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Sara is right…you are not stupid, you are learning about you and what it does to both your lives, but he isn’t looking or he would have, or at least tried to honor your request.

You keep giving him chances in hopes that he will surprise you with himself.

Well suprise! Sorry!
It is a horrible disease and if started at a young enough age it usually ruins a persons life and drives the good people around them away or ruins their lives too. Do you ever watch the Intervention programs on tv? Most of those don’t work really unless the person honestly wants to change for themselves and I underline for themselves, no one else. You see all the loving, caring family and friends that are hurt and…blank. Have you heard of being co-dependent? Something that might interest you if you ever have time to read.

And it is so hard when you truly care about someone to put yourself in the middle of their problems hoping you can pull them up a little, and lose.

Keep you head up! It isn’t your fault.
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:37 PM

Not a lovely day

So our latest project in type was to make a movie poster with your own hand made type. No images (well you could add them but they couldnt be the focus). The movie had to be from the sixties or seventies.

I chose a clockwork orange. Only one was due but I enjoyed making both forms, one is a stamp I made (drew out the type, transferred to the block, carved it and inked it) and the other is spilled “milk” (which was water and cornstarch) so my intent was to turn both in.

I finished them both yesterday, called kinkos to see how long it would need take to print (a couple minutes) and an hour and 20 mins before class I headed that way to print my stuff. I stood around for a while, (Colton happened to come to kinkos to print as well) and realized that they couldnt print our documents and when I had called a few hours earlier they should have told me that the printer had been broken for at least a day. So they say they will email it over to the other kinkos and by the time we get there it should be ready. They also called them, we stood back and listened to them call and explain what happened and made sure their printer worked.

So I had colton drive since I knew he would fly through traffic and get us there quick. We got there and the one lady there (talking 6 minute drive here) had no idea what we were talking about. So I said fine, act like we didnt say anything about an email and just print what we have.

She fumbled through it not understanding what to do, the document wouldnt open, then it was the wrong size, etc (btw, the document opened just fine and was the correct size I dont know what the hell she was doing).

We get them printed (over and hour later) and fly back to the other kinkos to spray mount them in this horrible wind. He dropped me off at the door and I fly upstairs to get there in time (if we are late its auto F).

Ugh, the spray mount didnt really work and both of our posters were slowly peeling off their boards by the time it came to presentation. So my A will be a B at the most because of the shatty mounting job. I finished the project early, printed it yesterday at school but didnt like the look (wanted a glossy print) so I decided to run by kinkos instead. I already had my board cut correctly and gave myself plenty of time for a 5 minute mounting job. Its the only time I have given myself that much time and printed it professionally…and it comes back and bites me in the ass. 🙁

After class I swung by to take a math test (should be an A) then went to the store to get a few things. I get home and the board thing that dad put up on one side of the porch (so the dog wouldnt escape from the yard via my porch) had blown down and broken into a lot of pieces. Fark. But whatever, I can get the groceries in the house a little easier now. So I stack them all on the porch then move them from the porch to my kitchen floor.

The the stupid effing dog goes and pees on the bags that I have laying out of the porch. Seriously sums my day up right there. And to top it off I am getting some sort of cold, my ears, throat and nose hurt like hell.

But without further ado here are my posters. The spilled milk one I plan on reprinting (since the wind bent it bad) and remounting and framing it for the living room. Originals are 10×16 inches. The files are huge so it might take a while for them to appear.



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Sara Graves- Martinez
i love your projects, they look great.
sorry you had a bad day! bad days tend to snowball like that don’t they?
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 9:36 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
oh I really like the spilled milk one!
And I hate that Kinkos put you through all that!
I hope you write a letter to the corporate manager, along with your friend, and give em bloody ell!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:03 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I also think you did a great job on your block! that took a lot of work!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:04 PM
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Ians birthday Party

I need to get my butt in gear making the invites but I do have a date.

Saturday, April 25th at 4pm. Our house, will be outdoors so if you have chairs please bring them.

We will be getting messy with homemade moonsand so play clothes would probably be best. Call or text me for details.


No Parking Stopping OR Standing

If you have made it here congrats, this is one of those lovely little preferred list blogs. It will probably be opened at a later date but right now I would rather it not be.

Today was my first day of counseling and it was much needed. I finally got caught up on all my school work and was feeling pretty good. Went in to counseling and we talked, went over touchy things from my past but I kept it together…at least until we got on self image.

I knew I had a problem with the way I perceived myself but I have always managed to keep it well hidden. I am not a fan of the 50 plus pounds I have gained since getting pregnant with Ian but I didnt realize just how bad I was about it.

So I need to work on loving myself, yeah yeah, cheesy but its true.

I am going through hella depression right now. Like nothing I have ever gone through before. I am finding it incredibly hard to get out of bed and go to school, in total this semester I have missed 3 weeks of classes most of those occurring after spring break. When I do drag myself out of bed, into clothes and to school I find myself drifting off to sleep while driving. Well I haven’t fallen asleep but I am damn close.

I get home and want to do nothing. I have projects out the butt and I cant seem to get them done, laundry piles (which is fine cause we all have a ton of clothes but it sucks doing 8 loads in a day) homework and studying are shoved to the side because I cant think straight to do it.

I think I threw up at least once every day last week. Just nausious and fainty feeling and in a little zone drifting from place to place but paying no attention to the surroundings.

And I have once again taken Boone back and I dont know why. I know I love him and I know he loves me and when we are together (sober) its great. He tells me how beautiful I am and how wonderful I am, etc.

But then it never fails that he goes out and drinks on a night that he was supposed to be over here. I keep being second to drinking. I know it, it keeps happening yet I keep going back.

Its piles up in my heart, I get tired of it and I leave him. I get shit on cause I left him and he is depressed. Suddenly becoming not worthy of his love and being threatened by new people that never seemed to matter before. But maybe its cause the friends that have always mattered arent surprised and just roll their eyes, just another sob story of Boones.

So I am sitting here waiting for the backlash of the latest of HIS screwup. Me not being understanding enough because he broke a promise to me once again and it was dealing with alcohol once again.

I just wish he would get his act together. He goes on the attack when he is drunk and it sucks ass being the target. I have somehow taken the burden of him drinking out on me. Like I feel
I need to help him with it, keep a constant nagging eye on him which
makes maters worse. Its not my responsibility to keep him sober yet I
refuse to be around him when he is drunk. Ugh…

He also seems to think that pointing out that others have problems and therefore they dont have the right to talk. But we all have problems, we all have issues but I (cant speak for the rest of the world) am doing my part to help figure it out.

I am constantly going over past shit, sorting it in my head, facing it and trying to change. Boone cant see that cause he didnt know me when I was married but Jason sees it clear as day and so do close friends. I have control issues and this is something I cant control. I want him to straighten up, everyone that REALLY cares about Boone wants him to but I cant be the one to show him the light.

He keeps asking for patience but at what expense?

I am terrified of the shitty blog from Boone to come…

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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I know and can relate…that is why I am where I am. I am hoping you can share these feelings in one of your sessions, I know what will be said, and I am sure you do to… it isn’t easy to change how we are. We live off their illness thinking WE can make them change! NOT! Then it is hard to take care of ourselves.

Patience won’t fix him. He is who he chooses to be and you can’t stop that, and if you really are terrified of a letter…let him go! You have two kids that need you more than he does. I know that fear! It put a knife in my hand and very close to doing something that would have put me in prison if Harley hadn’t taken me out of the house four years ago.
Don’t do anything that would get CPS involved if you love those kids! Nothing is worth having our children taken away or spending time in a nut house or prison!
You can’t keep him sober, and you can’t watch him all the time, and you can’t be alone! It is so stressful to even remember these things. Don’t let anyone take your happiness away. Don’t forget who you are! Take care of you that is what’s important.
You are still in transition carrying a large burden with school, and pushing yourself!
The past his a history on how we got to where we are now, that is all, and there is nothing we can do to change it, except maybe to use it as a lesson on how we can walk better each day.

I’ve got 30 years of journals that terrify me to think that I let myself, and my child, be put through the things that I did! I’d hate for you to wind up the same way!

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:27 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley

We accept the way they are…or we don’t, and both ways is a hard road to travel…

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails…

So, how do we judge what love is

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:57 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez

You are such a beautiful woman. You work so hard for your little ones. You are the world to them. You deserve the best! The comment before me sums up love.
You deserve that!

Wishing I was closer…

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 8, 2009 – Wednesday – 8:16 AM
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Death happens

Death or serious injury happens on either side of the debate but why is it only a big deal when I am going against the money making grain. Why do I have to sign something saying that I am risking my childs life by *not* injecting formaldehyde, and thimerosal into them. Does that make sense to you? And no, I dont take hugs from every person that comes along. Actually, dont fucking touch me if I dont know you and certainly dont hug my kids.

But the good news is that apparently not every medicaid taking doctor around here isnt an idiot and I actually, finally, found the kids a doctor that recognizes that some parents actually do do research and know whats being put into their bodies (and thats both sides of the issue here). Just bring in their exemptions….just bring in their exemptions….faint, thats the fast way to my heart. The way to get me running the other way is to inform me that I am risking my kids life but of course vaccinations are always 100 percent safe AND effective…snort.

Its like I switch over to Charlie Brown mode, wa wa wa wa waaaaa when someone starts on the spiel. Hopefully the next convo I will have with someone will be why c sections are so necessary.

Blarg, I have gone off on a rant again. Sorry. Feeling better though. I start therapy on the 6th.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I’m with you, question everything! The majority just go along with what the docs and drug companies say…and don’t get me started on c sections!!! I honestly believe that if they had left Jennifer alone, not started her on that toxin, and then decided oh, well, the baby won’t drop so… I think her baby would still be alive! SIDS? ya, what ever!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:38 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley

have fun in therapy!

Posted by Always Màthair on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:38 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 1, 2009 – Wednesday – 8:21 AM

You are a strong person

I am not worried about you anymore.

I get it and I appreciate it but dammit sometimes I want someone to worry about me again. I see that I have put up a strong image of myself, that I am perfectly content and obnoxiously happy but truth be told I have times where *I* scare myself.

Some nights I close my eyes and start running, I cant stop, I just run and I dont know what I am running from. Its right before I fall asleep, almost there but not quite. I occasionally wake up and raise up to stop the running but the minute my head hits the pillow it happens again.

It sucks and makes for a shitty night of sleep. I am back at the point of not being able to concentrate on my work again because I am so overwhelmed.

And when I hit that point my support system seems to let me slip because, well…I am a strong person. So I am left once again to sort out the shitty stuff in my head, take a bath and blank out the world around me, lay down in bed with my covers thrown all the way over me just trying to breath.

Tomorrow will be a better day, it will be as if the past week hasnt happened. I will drag myself out of bed and to school and refocus on life itself. My face is burning from crying so much today and I really have no reason to cry…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
YOu girl are overwhelmed! We tend to take on so much and one day runs into the next and it’s like you never get a finishing point from one day to the next! And that is why you cry.

I could mention something that would help with that but then I am sure you get a lot of try this try that comments. Talk to you doctor, let him know about what is going on with your sleep patterns. I have had that problem since I was a kid. My dad got me a multi band radio where I could get stations around the world…I’d lay there and start listening and would go to sleep. I did the same thing with a police radio, I would fall right to sleep. I was really bad about trying to solve the worlds problems when my head hit the pillow and I couldn’t shut it off!!!! Everything i did in the day would have to be justified and filed away or it would bug the crap out of me untill I had spent hours figuring out what it was that was keeping me awake. Sometimes it was something very simple and stupid like my keys not being in the right place for in the morning. Or I didnt’ get gas, or didn’t pay a bill, stuff like that. I’ve been on medicaton for a long time now for that and it’s when I go without it that it gets crazy! I’ll have to get up and do something to take my mine off it…what ever it was. I have one CD that I play every night.
It is for sleep and relaxation and I am always sound asleep before it finished, I also have a bio feedback program that relaxes me, and funny thing I can play Mahjongg for about an hour and I am dead tired and fall to sleep!

It helps to get a system in place. After the kids get to bed, turn the lights down, make sure everything is where it needs to be for the next day, make sure you haven’t forgotten to do something for the day that might make you jump up and go oh crap about.
Find some comforting relaxing music to softly play and maybe check your email for the last time, or play a simple on line game or read someones blog that you don’t know.NO caffiene! NO sugar! makes a big difference. Have you tried meditation? Or the other extreme…ti bo or something to absolutely wear you out?

I hope you can find a pattern of relaxation that will work for you.
Do you have restless leg syndrome? I used to but this medicine had stopped my legs from jerking to!

You need to get to that REM sleep!

Good luck!

Posted by Always Màthair on March 30, 2009 – Monday – 12:02 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
i agree with her. sleep would definately help with the strees. i do tv. i had anxiety so bad in high school that i would literaly fall asleep taking notes in coach rosens class. so i started watching tv. i would focus on the tv and forget all the things running in my mind. i think it helps to rest your mind, and then your dreams might not be so intense. i always had the ones where you wake up and cant move! those are freaky too.
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 30, 2009 – Monday – 9:56 AM
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Carol Bivens
Hey Girly! I myself understand being a strong person and how when you aren’t feeling strong no one seems to help you because they think you can handle it. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they don’t know. All I can say is, when you are feeling like you need support the easiest way(and the hardest for those of us who hate to admit weakness) to get what you need is (1) figure out what it is that would make you feel better and (2) tell someone in your support network what that thing is and (3) give them an opportunity to support you. I’m just now learning this lesson myself and have found it to be very effective….getting what you need from those you care about without the use of medication. If you are fulfilled emotionally all the other stressors in life don’t seem quite as bad.
Hope that helps!
Posted by Carol on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 11:29 AM
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Socks and underware go in the pocket

At least thats what I do when I am packing my bag…or wondering where those key items went to when I have arrived at my destination and need to sort everything out.

Speaking of unpacking bags, I did a little of it today. A friend of Boones needed a computer and I had my old laptop from back when I lived in Utah/Ians first six months of life. I hadnt touched the thing in years but Jason had used it for various things over the years. I never touched his laptop/computer so I had no clue what was on it.

Little things but still jaring things, numerous documents talking about how wonderful he was and how seemingly horrible I was. I read it now and it just makes me sad, all those years flying by and I never knew. Blah. Also lots of old pics and files that I hadnt seen in years…

But anywho, today marks (I think, lol) one years since our custody hearing. That was an oh so funny day, Jason had his butt handed to him by the judge. He hadnt grasped that no one, especially a judge, would find it a good thing that he left his wife to move in with his girlfreind, the one he had cheated with. Previous agreements that Jason and I had made in writing were attempted to be thrown out but the judge saw through it and Jason had to stand by those. And he did, it wasnt until the divorce that I decided to let those go, no longer being held hostage, under his finger, at least when it came to money.

Now Jason and I are great, I still consider him one of my best friends. He had grown leaps and bounds when it came to the kids. Would it have been nice had he not fallen off the dad wagon? Well yeah. But he did and after a relativly short amount of time he pulled his head out.

Enough of that I suppose….

So this weekend was Angs birthday party and we had it here. Jason was supposed to have watched the kids but was to sick to drive up here so they stayed with me. Try as I might I just cant let myself loosen up with my kids around, even asleep I still am in mom mode. But I still had a good time, it was nice to be able to go jump into my jammies, lol.

Tomorrow I have school, then I am coming home to catch up on stuff that should have been done over spring break.

Wednesday I go in to see about some counseling. Its not something I am ashamed or embarrassed to admit. Part of the reason I do these blogs is to help get it all out and I think having someone that isnt here in the middle of it all will help too. For the most part I have things under control but it obvious that the same relationship problems keep coming up with me, just with every new relationship the roles seem switched.

And with that I am off…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Let me know if you get any goood pointers on that one!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 24, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:18 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
hmmm, counseling sounds fun. i think it would be cool to find out what a ‘professional’ thought about me and my little ticks… or maybe not! lol! good luck with that! =]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 24, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:07 AM
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Love me, Hate me, Want me

Finished this up last night, critique was today. The originals are 9×9, saving them and uploading them I halved the file size so the quality is not 100%. The grittiness is supposed to be there. Had to make 3 collages of found type, the only time the computer was used was to put the document together.

Theme was love me, want me, hate me.

Love me, Want me

Hate Me

Love Me

Thanks for the inspiration for the hate one, yall know who you are. 😉


Sara Graves- Martinez
hah! this is great.
i love that you thank the people that inspired you! you’re just awesome!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 12, 2009 – Thursday – 3:59 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
wow, interesting piece! I like it
Posted by Always Màthair on March 12, 2009 – Thursday – 8:11 PM
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Boone Smith
This is one of your best! I’m very impressed. You have picked the right field of study. I can’t wait to see what you do next. Love ya.
Posted by Boone on March 13, 2009 – Friday – 5:03 PM

Ah, I am sorry

If if wasnt for my divorce I wouldnt be who I am today. I wouldnt have stepped up to the plate as a mom (well the point that I am now). I wouldnt be in school. I would still be anti social. I would still be rather depressed. I wouldnt have friends and family so close. I wouldnt have my children socialized. I wouldnt have music back in my life…any arts. I would still feel stupid/uneducated. I could go on and on…

Seriously, this divorce was the best thing that has happened to me. The swift kick got me going and I havent stopped.

So when I tell people I am divorced I always hear, “ah, I am sorry”. To which I always reply “its the best thing that happened to me” or “you wouldnt know me if I hadnt”.

I thank the friend that recommended Spiritual Divorce, that book is great at helping you step out of the situation and see it as a positive light. And I am glad I was able to do so, carrying around hate, resentment and what ifs from years past would only bring me down. It has divorce in the title but its not meaning strictly divorce.

So no need for the sorrys, really, life is grand being divorced.

And on that note, Ginta, Dani and I are heading to Lubbock tonight (you know, the city where I had that terrible thing called a divorce) to see the post secret event. Should be awesome. I am mostly done with my type project but I am holding off on finishing them with hope that I will find even more cool stuff (type) to photograph.

I am excited to finish them up and show them off.

And with that I am off for a nap..

This type project

Sometimes I think that maybe this whole graphic design thing isnt me and then sometimes it hits me that its totally the right choice.

Admittedly I am a slacker when it comes to the projects, a few days before I am cramming so I can have something to critique and get a grade. 😉

My new type project is to take forms of type, on signs, in magazine, products etc. and make a collage. Funnily enough the theme is love me, hate me, want me. So for the past weeks I have engulfed myself in the project, who would have know that those feelings would be running so deep within me at the time.

I keep stumbling across things that scream out to me that that would be perfect, stuff so simple as my toothpaste…sensitivity.

I am much more sure of myself this semester but maybe thats cause I have a better grip on illustrator, that was such a high learning curve for me and I think I just got stuck mentally when it came to using the program.

And with that I am off for the night. Its been a great day and last night was good, nice loooooong conversation with Boone clearing up things on both sides of the fence.

Good grief

I love it when people attack me when they dont even know me. The people that knew Boone and I and our relationship (talking about people here that have known Boone and I since we were in high school) understand this big upheaval. Its not the least bit surprising to them that this happened.

We attacked each other verbally, he said shitty stuff and I said shitty stuff back. Why is that hard to understand? What relationship ends in a happy farting sunshine attitude. People were hurt and when people are hurt they start attacking. I know at least one of OUR mutual friends attacked him but you know what, she knew him. She has known him for years, the ups and downs she fucking KNOWS Boone.

Its shitty what she said but she was defending her friend. She has been in the middle of it all and witnessed some of it as well, she wasnt pulling hateful words out of her ass for the sake of pulling hatefull words out of her ass.

She was trying to get through to a friend and maybe she did.

The people that have really known us know that us together was a great thing and are sad for US that it didnt work out. But they are the people that know the both of us and have seen the growth that we both have had this past year.

And I would like to make it clear that I didnt keep Boone from Victoria and he wasnt trying to say I did.

The only person I have to apologize to is Boone and the only person he has to apologize to is me. We seem to have moved on from the mess and are working on us. Would be great if everyone else did too (is that the correct too, lol).

And its so much more then myspace drama, if you dont like it dont fucking read it. Toad, snort. Seriously.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
too- as in also yes…I love the visualization of pulling hateful words out of the arse.
I do believe that is the true origin of everything foul!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 9, 2009 – Monday – 12:49 PM
[Reply to this]


Sara Graves- Martinez
ummm, I guess maybe some people have never been in a relationship [?] and maybe they don’t understand the highs and lows and breaking up stuff… hmmmm

Well good luck with that =]

BTW, I loved that you added the snort, a great touch.
Who knew you were so poetic? =]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 9, 2009 – Monday – 5:47 PM

Hate is such a strong word

In all my numerous blogs, through all the major ups and downs only once do I recall saying that I hated someone and that someone was Jason. At the time it was pure frustration, I stumbled upon a picture of him and Nicole and I lost it and point blank stated that I hated him.

Did I really hate him? No. But I have hated things he has done. The feeling of hate came and went within hours.

Hate is such a strong word, its deep and it stings to the core. I have a reason to hate people but I dont. I am actually thankful of the crap that has happened, its pushed me along and made me a stronger person.

To hate someone is to give that someone your energy and at my lowest points I needed all the energy I had so why waste it on hate?

I never said I hated Boone, thats silly. I also never said I didnt love him anymore and whether or not he still loves me is no concern of mine.

I wish him the best. I hope he can get himself the help he needs, the help he knows he needs.

I so need a break after this looooong week.


This sickness thing sucks, I am over it but Ians still battling it and Hope got sent home today with a temp over 102 (and its still high after tylenol).


Ian has been a huge tyrant, not his usual self at all. He has his stubborn moments but this was different. Well after sitting in lecture today going through what could be different, it occurred to me that I started him back on his pulmicort to help with the cough.

And then I remembered that it was a steroid. Ugh again and well…duh.

Look at this
Side Effects

Yikes. I am normally very good at looking at anything that goes into him but his poor cough was so bad that I just jumped at that solution.

Lesson learned I suppose. Hopefully I will have my sane, sweet child back soon.

Hopes officially walking now and its super cute. I knew she would get it down but in her own time. Ians doing awesome with reading too.

Finally caught up with everything (minus a test). Here are a few of my last projects. One was for type, had to do a visual hierarchy project using body copy, letter form (so pick a letter, any letter) and a headline. It was a fun project….here are some pics. BAD quality though, the originals are 8×8 so shrunk down you miss a lot.


And here is my newest Ad for a clothing store for digital publishing. I had the headline “The best” to work with, had to fill in the rest. The body copy was set for me. Had to make the logo (the NewWear at the bottom) as well.
Click for a better view, the actual size is close to 11×12 and its no where close to a high quality save since that would take forever to load.

Next type project is a collage not using the computer to set type (in other words we have to cut/trace/scan etc. print from random sources). The theme is Love Me, Hate Me, Want Me. Figure its perfect timing and should be able to think of something.

Next Digital publishing project is an interactive card. I am going with the kids fortune telling origami inspired wedding invitation. Really looking forward to that.

Thats it for now.

Peace, love and hippos.


Sara Graves- Martinez
wow, those are crazy side effects! great graphics though =] [or whatever the computer lingo is] they are super cool! good stuff…
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 4, 2009 – Wednesday – 10:47 PM
[Reply to this]

Angry words

I understand the coping mechanism that people have when the shit seems to hit the fan but going so far as to say that I dont know what love is nor do I deserve it well thats way to far. Just because I came to the conclusion that my relationship with Boone would always have tension and therefore shouldnt continue I now dont deserve love and any love that I supposedly had towards him is now false love.

We simply didnt see the world through the same glasses, we had different views on parenting, live very different lifestyles and our religious views are completely opposite.

I “need” sex to reconnect, to share that special bond with someone. I dont think with my clit and he is an asshole for even having that cross his mind. I dont have disgusting disease that would sacrifice his well being, I had a yeast infection. He didnt seem to care that I had it when he was drunk and once again attempted to force me into doing something I didnt want to do.

And because of all those things I broke, I realized it wouldnt work and I lost trust in him yet again when it came to drinking. Comparing my desire to reconnect (which duh, relieves stress) is in no way on the same level as him needing a beer to cope. To compare the two is laughable which is why I got up and left the room.

That and his ride was there, his ride…lol 32 yo boy needing a ride to get from place to place. When I said it was over on the phone I didnt mean you were calling to try to get the relationship back I mean that, well, you are dead to me.

So swiftly things change. You are a mean person and you know it and you have for years. Notably I am being childish and blocking him, his profile is private and I would rather not have a chance to read mean stuff about me again.

Thats the last I will speak of it.

Just because it will get deleted when he sobers up, dumbass

Monday, March 02, 2009



Current mood:  pissed off
Category: Romance and Relationships


YOU give your soul to someone,they don’t want it.They want you to
satisfy thier needs without any consideration of your own.My recent
split with someone I whole-heartedly love seems to have turned from not
my fault to “I didn’t love her enough.Because I would not fuck her
every time she wanted to relieve stress,I am the bad man.I will
not speak the words and ways she has belittled me(I probably don’t know
the half of it).I will not take any blame for what she chose to do.She
mistakes “fuck me when I want it” as a declaration of love.Not even
close.Get your mind out of your clit.Grow up!There is more to love than
daily orgasms.If you would give life(or living) an honest try you will
learn that.As for me,”Why waste time with someone who does not love
me”,you never did.You loved the way I made you feel after your loser
husband dumped you for a worthless hooker.Now that that relationship is
almost over,what?
lost as you were as a sapling,just have more leaves to rob the sunlight
from everything else.I am not at fault!You can tell whoever you want it
was me.It is a lie.You created the problem.Love is about
comprimise.Something you are not willing to accept.How dare you make me
feel bad for not wanting to be exposed to something I knew to be
harmful.You even tried to blame me for it.Hell,you probably still
do.That denial of faith in me ruined any faith I entertained about
you.You were not worthy of true love.I doubt you will ever be.Strike me
all you want,maybe you won’t.I know I didn’t fuck-up.


Thats Boones Blog obviously and I am taking it. Poor Boone, he is always blaming everyone else yet not taking blame for himself. Its true, I like sex. lol But if he is so naive to think that THATS what the breaking point was, well so be it.

Drunken Boone, crying into his bottle at night blaming the world for his problems. I am weak and cannot deal and it was Boone that got me through everything and I never once took Boones needs into consideration. Yup, it was all about me. I admit it, how very selfish of me.

And my looser ex husband, looser in what sense? That he is a drunk, doesnt own a car, house or have a license? Or that he cheated on me, you would know what cheating on someone would be like wouldnt you?

Your views are skewed dear Boone, everyone sees it but you. I have never claimed to be perfect and realize I brought my own baggage along. But you really need to sort through yours. Try to talk shit on me, try it, you will be laughed at even more so then you already are.

Oh and SPACES go after your PERIODS. Its really fucking annoying the way you type.

Peace love and tacos…oh and SATAN.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Why does that always seem to get in the way! Some of us can take the responsibility and step up to ownership of our actions… but I find, especial under the influence, others can’t OR WON’T! It is truly hard to understand what happened between the sexes.
Some people are really sick, and some are just plain assholes!
Boone’s does sound so poetic, or is that melodramatic?
Good luck!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:32 AM
[Reply to this]

therefore i am
Its the thespian coming out in him. Wish I had his previous blogs, they were all mostly the same but blaming his ex girlfriend or his long time friend. Same story over and over again. He has major abandonment issues which is something I can relate to but I certainly never went to the extremes he does.

Right after he posted the blog he called me stating that he didnt say anything mean about me (or something of that matter).

Its childish and stupid, on both our parts. But my frustration over the situation pushed me to post back knowing that he will delete it sooner then later.

Posted by therefore i am on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:42 AM
[Reply to this]


Sara Graves- Martinez
Well, I think I may be at a loss for words! =] I love you Juli! If you need an ear, let me know.
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 9:04 AM
[Reply to this]

Denile is a sad thing, but the ones with the biggest egos usually can’t see the forest from the trees.
Posted by <G> on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 10:49 AM
[Reply to this]

Ahhhh….the last batch of crayons.

Its strange how being a “single” mom has been such a relief. I seem to not sweat the little things any longer, the kids are fed, bathed and shuffled off to bed with no anxiety following along. The hick ups along the way are just that and no longer bother me like they used to. Getting up numerous times during the night is just something that happens. I dont usually count when I get up and even if I do its forgotten about by the end of the day.

I have a full plate and I love it. I am happy to have taken the high road in all this and to be coming out a better person. I am happy that Jason and I still have a great friendship and co parent awesomely together. I am grateful that our kids will be able to see their parents interact like adults and not fear talking about one of us to the other. I am grateful that we can show them that sometimes things dont work out but that we can still be friends.

The 13th was the day last year, the day I woke up to my Dear Juli letter. The odd dreams that I had been having throughout my pregnancy came true. Every detail played out like it had done months and months before. Its so strange that I just knew, that I had dreamt it all along. I remember waking from my dreams a few times confused because it seemed so real. Jason would get home from school and I would tell him about them, how vivid they were, and he would just say that he would never leave me. lol

But anywho, I think the dreams prepped me for the real thing because the day it happened I was amazingly calm. I called a few girl friends, we laughed that I left Jason stranded on the side of the road. I packed the car and me and the kids headed for the yellow city.

I dont think I even cried on the trip here but its all foggy now anywho. I do remember all the fires though we when go into town.

I cried constantly once it sunk in and that went on for about a month…then Boone came along. I still grieved the loss of my husband, hell I still do, but it certainly helped having someone along for the ride.

Through all these ups and downs I can say without a doubt that I am happier now more then ever. I love my life, I love my friends and family, I love being forced into new roles. I love the challenge of playing the mom and dad, I love the rush and excitiment knowing that I can do this, that I am doing this.

I love how I went from strictly t shirts and jeans to a much more sleek look, not high fashion by any stretch of the imagination but I only have one pair of hole filled jeans now. And the sad thing is my flip flop wearing feet have now been transformed to heels pretty much on a daily basis, its so bad that not wearing heels throws me off.

I.am.awesome. And I have no qualms saying it.



My kids are just as awesome. Hope does really well being shuffled about but then again its all she has ever know.

But Ian does beautifully now (for the most part) compared to when we first got here. I can now leave his side and he is okay. He helps me a lot around the house and loves his baby sister. Tonight we made heart crayons for his class at daycare, tomorrow we are making the valentines, Wednesday we are making chocolate suckers and Thursday we are making cookies. It gonna be awesome.

I booked our hotel in Dallas, its the intercontenental, should be fun.

I am in need of a vacation.

And with that I am off to bed. Woot

Cheyenne aka Mommy
You have done an amazing job. Isn’t it amazing how your life can change so swiftly in just a year? We live, we learn, we get on with life and love it. Continue to be proud of yourself because you deserve the recognition for what you have accomplished.
It would have been so easy to give up but you focused on the most important people in your life-your children and yourself!
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on February 11, 2009 – Wednesday – 9:37 AM

Yay yay yay

I got my new laptop today and its even better then I expected. I love the magnetic closure, so much better then a latch. The screen isnt any more glossy then my hp is so no adjusting there. The touchpad is going to take some getting used to though since there are no buttons for it, its just one big button.

But the size, omg, its great. Of course going from a 17″ to a 15.4″ will make a difference but it actually makes a huge difference. Plus its much more lightweight.

I havent really tinkered with it because I have nothing installed on it yet but I should have a chance to get everything transferred over the weekend.

I wanted a cute sleeve to put it in so it wasnt bouncing around in the bag when I haul it to school but the one I wanted was 65 bucks which is crazy. This is the one I wanted by the way…

It looked easy enough to sew so I went and bought the materials today, tax and all it was 7.50. Got home and just as I was about to grab my old 15″ dell for measurements the ups guy showed up with the mac. Yay. So I took it out of the box and measured, keeping it in the plastic all the while.

So here are some pics of my cute sleeve, the sewing is no way perfect and I threw it all together in under an hour and you can tell. I didnt want to add a velcro closure like the ones on the website have, the material is fuzzy and it would get gunked up fast anywho.

The other pics are comparing the sizes of the two laptops. Please excuse the finger prints all over my hp, you cant see them usually.








Sara Graves- Martinez
aweee, you gotta love a story with pictures =]! love the cover…. cute cute cute!

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