; charset=UTF-8" /> Story About A Girl » After the divorce


So this weekend flew by super fast. Where did Saturday go?

It was Jasons weekend and Ians first game weekend. He kept trying to throw in the towel and I will be honest, a couple of times I wanted to as well. I ended up spending a good portion of the weekend with Jason. Which is always nice but at the same time weird. I think we parent much better divorced then when we were married.

Poor Ian, after the game yesterday he was so tired. Like tantrum throwing crazy child tired. But he had a couple hours to nap, then we had dinner and we finished off the night with a nice game of payday.

Jasons girlfriend, or whatever the heck she is (this is the one that he had an affair with) really just doesnt want Jason and I spending time together. Which I find rather humorous. Like what do you expect when you invade a marriage while wife is pg with number two? You expect the parents to just not see each other? Snort.

I guess she asked if he would see me at practice and then had the nerve to question if I would be at the game. Gus what an idiot. I suppose its a good thing she cant have kids. She seems so disconnected from life, I feel sorry for her at times.

But I love just knowing that she is stirring and probably doubting Jasons moves when it comes to me. Insert evil laugh here….

Anywho, me and the kids came come. Got them right in the tub and Hope went right to sleep again. She didnt even want a kiss she just crawled in bed and rolled right over. Then Ian and I watched the Chicka Chicka boom boom youtube video. Man he loves that book. Then he drew his nightly picture, we read “Where the wild things are” and I tucked him in as well.

So tomorrow is Monday and I have no doubt that he will be good at school. He feeds off of positive encouragement (who doesnt?) and I have been doing tons of it. And he loves his chart, its a nice visual which is something he needs.

This is just starting to be a ramble now so I will end it now on an up note. I am so happy for what I have, the families I have and the friends I have. I am loving it up right now.

Who knew moving a piece of furniture could be such a pull at the heart strings

I am glad I am back in school (with people I enjoy being around). I love my job but there is something to be said about being in a classroom full of people that are so innocent. When trivial things such as clothing and fake tattoos are the talk of the room. If *only* things were still that simple for me. Ha. I love hearing the kids say they dont have time for the homework, I would trade them places for a day so they really know what “dont have time” means.

But then again at 15 and up until 22 I was rather irresponsible with my choices. But it shaped who I am today, just like from 28 and on…I realize I am still young. :p

So yesterday I moved the rooms around and when I laid in bed last night it hit me. The bed was in the *exact* position it was when Jason left me. And so I laid there, wallowing in my singleness and eventually pulled myself out of it. All I have to do is remember how much I have grown, how much I have accomplished since we split. And yup, I am still proud of myself.

I also did a little shopping today…7 new shirts. lol I have a bigger closet now so why not fill it? ha

Yay for McDonalds

So I have a lot of crap to do in a short amount of time. And with this thinking comes cheap burgers from McDonalds. Our McDonalds has 2 drive through lines but we all pay and pick up at the same windows. So I always do line two, its faster. I pull in and order but being 5 oclock it was pack and once I finished with my order I still couldnt move. Then a minute or so later the lady next to me finishes her order. She is line 1 which could pull in front of line two…that is unless blocked. I knew I was next so I didnt let her pull in, it was obvious to everyone around I was next. So she lays on her horn and starts screaming at me (my windows were up). I mean, even *if* I had accidentally pulled in front of her what could I do? Reverse into the vehicle in back of me.

So I pull up to the window, 2.58 is my total. I hand the lady my 3 bucks then ever so nicely flip the lady off behind me. Ha.

Then I get my food. Pull out of the lot and up to the light. She pulls up next to me, half hanging out the window yelling obscenities with money in her hand.

She appeared lonely so I blew her a couple of kisses and winked at her. She STILL wasnt satisfied so I did the whole two finger, tongue between wagging back and forth measure. She still wasnt happy, poor little soccer mom in her big ass vehicle.

She pulled forward to the guy in front of me (who was also in front of me at McDonalds) and starts yelling at him, presuming it was about me. He looked flabbergasted.

So THANK YOU dear crazed soccer mom. You made my day! I had tears running down my face after that.

Way to much to do in so little time

So Ian’s school seems to be going really well. He also starts soccer practice on Friday and I am sure he will love it.

Yesterday I needed to buy books for some classes and get some groceries. Mom kept Hope for me while Ian and I went running around. By the time I got back she had cut Hopes hair. Yes, it was in her eyes but I needed it to grow out so I could get (train) her part to move. So that pissed me off. She has this thing with taking over *my* place (like claiming Ian as hers, ugh) and disregarding my parenting. Whatever.

So the kids needed baths and we gather in the bathroom. Ian takes off his short and there and behold was his sticker from the dentist (like a 3×3 in sticker) on his leg. He has slept in it and then went to school with it, over 24 hours of sticker and it wasnt coming off. So he had to soak in the tub and scrub, its still a little irritated. Ha.

The kids ended up going to sleep later because Ian and I were running around and boy is it obvious today. And to make matters worse Ian could not stop coughing last night so at 2am I gave him so benadryl and of course at 7 he was still rather tired.

The 14th is his appointment with Dr Hale to talk about getting his tonsils out, I really hope the approves and can get them out. As it is he is sick with tonsillitis about every other month. NOT fun.

And with that I am off. I wish I could be funny and witty like I was last year when it came to blogs.

Tomorrow is a big day

Its my “babys” first day of kindergarten. I know he will do wonderful, he loves learning. I do kind of fear he will be to ahead and get bored though, he does turn into a turd when asked to do something that he already knows inside and out (like write his name).

Things are going to change a little around here in the next month. My *hope* is that Jason will watch the kids over labour day weekend so Ang and I can go to Dallas. Besides the usual I plan on getting new beds and bedding for the kids. The newest thing being a big girl bed for Hope. I think she is ready to move into a bed and I fear her climbing out (again). And plus I fell in love with the mammut collection a few years ago. http://www.ikea.com/us/en/search/?query=mammut

So Ian will get a blue bed and Hope a pink one. Yay.

And I am moving Hope and all the toys to the front bedroom and Ian and I minus the toys but add all the dressers (all clothes in my room makes more sense since I pick out everyones clothing for the next day the night before) to the back bedroom. Maybe then I can finally get him out of pull ups at night. I refuse to wake up Hope at night if Ian has an accident in the middle of the night. I can deal with waking up in the middle of the night, do it all the time, but I dont want to wake her up.

I think it will work out okay and hopefully next year at this time we will be ready to move into a three bedroom. 🙂


Earlier today I took a stroll through my blogs from last August. Ha, how much things have changed. I have been officially single for 4 months today and yesterday would have been Jason and I’s 6 year anniversary. And two years ago around this time I was 29 or some odd weeks pg and freaking out over pre-e again (and “happily” married). lol. Its absolutely amazing how much has changed and yet I am okay, better now then ever.

Friday was my last day of counseling. Amazingly, I have been sane, not disgustingly depressed, great with the kids and all in all together since Boone and I broke up. I think focusing on me (and the kids) and only me is a huge help.

So tomorrow is a whole new beginning. Should be interesting…oh and the kids have dentist appointments. Its my first day of school too, but same ole faces and same rooms. My only complaint with that is finding a parking spot.

So there I was, standing at the end of a long hallway.

It seemed much longer then it did years ago. And it was white, bright white, no carpet, no tan colored bricks, no leaking ceiling. “Go to the little gym” she said. I said okay and headed that way, the little gym, I know where that is. And I entered, it was familiar but not, it was bigger. Walls had been knocked down for actual seating, ha. After learning that I had a few minutes to waste I took a walk and yes, got a little teary eyed. I walked down halls that I had walked many times before, walked past the chemistry lab that we had caught on fire. The choir room that I had a faint memory of. Then on to the yearbook room that had boarded windows for years, boards are of course no longer there. Then past Mr. Herring’s old room, and that English teachers room that people dreaded. Past the principal’s office, up the stairs I had tripped over a few times. Then past the outside door to the portables where us girls once frolicked in the snow. Past Ms. Patton’s.  Then the end of the hall, the ramp down to the cafeteria was gone. And the windows that were once knocked out by friends were now sealed. No more hallway up to the shop, I think it now ends at where Ms. Barnes old room was, remember those over priced cookies? Ha.

So I turned around and took at turn at the hallway with the library. It was still there, not near as many books though. Across from that, remember the little area with trees and grass? Yeah that one, it looks like crap now. I made it to the end of that hall and made my way towards the band room. Carpets gone, now its just tiled floor and white walls. It looked the pretty much the same, I could see myself in that room. I suppose its where I spent a good deal of time. I wandered through the doors to see if the auditorium looked like. It hadnt been touched, it was tore up. Its a shame too. Walked down the aisle and turned to looked at the stage, I remember all the plays and concerts like yesterday.

Then I circled back around to the little gym, told Chris about what all had changed and how weird it was for me to be there. It was so freaking weird, its like part of my past, my so familiar past was just up and moved around. It was a stroll through memory lane that I needed. Even though it was completely different I could still see the halls crowded with people from years ago, I was a teenager again.

Chris took pictures of the staff while I wrote down all their names and positions, and a hand full are still there. We packed up and went across to the new high school to drop off some proofs. Walked down the hallway where all their panels are hung on the wall. Maybe it was because I have made the darn things, I dont know, but it was awesome seeing all the previous years seniors. We walked to the 98 panel and I pointed myself out, Chris said I looked different. Well yeah, its amazing what a marriage, 2 kids, a divorce and a heaping spoonful of depression can do to you. 11 years ago I never would have imagined my life as it is now.

So yeah, that was my day. It was cool. I took some picture with my phone…see….

The door at the end of the little gym is the door to the band room. The old room where debate was is no longer.

Multiple times a day,

I think to myself a new blog. Unfortunatly I never type it up. Last January I got this url and server space intending to move my myspace blogs over. Occasionally I would work on it but after moving a few blogs over I became tired of it. I stopped blogging cause I didnt want to move even more blogs from myspace to here. I didnt post them here because I didnt want to link to the site until I had all the blogs moved over. lol. Now they are all moved. woot!

I have been going to counciling for a little over 3 months now (I think) and its helped tremendously. So much so that now I just go every 4 weeks. I have learned to better deal with the everything. Learned that its okay to be sad, to mourn, to be angry etc. I need to allow myself those feelings, for said amount of time and then move on. It was the moving on that I had a problem with.

So the 23rd will mark my 3 month single anniversary. Its a big thing for me, longest I have ever been single. And its nice, lonley at spurts but a whole lot easier on my nerves.

I am going to school in the summer, summer I was math and History II and Summer II (now) is just a math class. Also working part time with awesome people doing stuff I love. Kids are doing great (well except Ians sick again). Hopes saying new words every day and insists on her hair being done. Ians busy coloring/crafting and talk talk talking up a storm.

We have officially gotten things under control. Same routines, etc. Jason and I are doing fantastic, our co-parenting is something I think we should both be very proud of. It certainly reflects in the kids.

After reposting all the blogs I realized how much I love it and I am a little sad that I havent been doing them for the last 6 months. But from here on out I am aiming for at least weekly.

The sites not prettied up, I seem to have forgotten a great deal of my coding skills but I have a rough idea of what I want. My myspace blogs were half butt moved over so even though a comment box appears you cant leave a comment. Go down to the actual comment link for wordpress.

And lastly,

welcome to Story About A Girl!

Its been a while

and will probably be longer before I blog again. I just dont have the time right now, plus when I do they will probably be on my website not myspace.

I was taking a short break, I had all sorts of school work to catch up on and now I am working full time for the next couple weeks. So I have been slammed. Checked my grades last night, 2 A’s and 1 B…not so bad.

But theese last (almost 4) weeks have been the best weeks I have had in years. Lots of absolutly great things have happened, not one bad day out of the bunch and thats even with projects getting corrupted and having to start over, my first speeding ticket in almost 13 years and craziness with finals.

So life IS good GREAT! I am going to miss my fellow graphic design students over the summer though…

Bad news first

I still feel like crap, wanting to vomit on a constant basis sucks (because of the antibiotics). I am also still out of it for the most part, got to school around 8:30am and didnt leave until 5:15 pm with no breaks, didnt even remember to go pee. lol Didnt eat either.

But the good news is I was one of the three picked out of my typography (I think 13 are in our class) class to have our work showcased in the library. It will be showcased from May1st to July 1st on the first floor.

That made me rather happy! Also made a 95 on my last math test, woot.

And with that I am off to curl up in bed and hopefully get some sleep. I woke up hourly last night. 🙁


Sara Graves- Martinez
wow! i am so happy that you are doing so well in school! wish you felt better! i will pray for you… =]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 15, 2009 – Wednesday – 9:02 PM
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High pain tolerance

Being sick happens, eh, nothing I can do about it really. Thursday I started feeling like poo and it just go worse from there. Today, Tuesday, I am finally taking myself to the doctor. I havent gone to the doc since working at nationwide back in 2001 (and that was for anxiety attacks). I had an ob when I was pg with Ian (5 years ago) but I am not counting that. And of course didnt have a doc with Hope.

I always say I have a high pain tolerance, I did after all have Hope without even a Tylenol. But this, this I am assuming sinus infection, hurts.like.HELL! Even with inhaling steam, nasal rinses, unkers out the ass, applying warm/hot compresses it has done nothing but get worse by the day.

The only way to get to sleep last night was to take a sleeping pill, thank god I had those left over from the last pregnancy. But it made me really tired today and after waking I find my right side of the face totally swollen, when I bite down I catch a good deal of tissue on that side of my face. My throat, jaw, eyes everything on that side is in pain. And my ear hurts so freaking bad, its been leaking all night/day so I put some tissue up to it to check the color out and its bleeding. Waaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

So its off to the doctor I go to throw down money.

sorry it’s so bad! i hope the stupid doctor helps! 🙂
Posted by sarah on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 4:12 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
ugh! sounds painful! be sure and update!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:55 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
EEEWWWWWWWW! Now I am going to dream about things coming out of me ears! Doesn’t sound too good with all that other stuff involved.
Hang in there!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 11:28 PM
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Current mood:  blank

Tuesday, the day after the last promise broken, I said we needed to talk before we went to Portales. Promised to stay over Thursday and that he would be sober.
Wednesday, texted after 2am…didnt talk of course.
Thursday, after sitting in the truck for over 30 minutes (assuming he was sobering up) he stumbles in the door. I am sick and every touch shook me more awake. Now its almost one am, I am wide awake and dont care to be around the wine and rum breath….
Sleeping on the couch (or in the kids room with Ian), yet another promise broken.
I am so stupid.


Sara Graves- Martinez
oh, hun! you are NOT stupid! you are a woman in love. if things keep going this way that will change though. i know your heart is broken by this…
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 9:39 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Sara is right…you are not stupid, you are learning about you and what it does to both your lives, but he isn’t looking or he would have, or at least tried to honor your request.

You keep giving him chances in hopes that he will surprise you with himself.

Well suprise! Sorry!
It is a horrible disease and if started at a young enough age it usually ruins a persons life and drives the good people around them away or ruins their lives too. Do you ever watch the Intervention programs on tv? Most of those don’t work really unless the person honestly wants to change for themselves and I underline for themselves, no one else. You see all the loving, caring family and friends that are hurt and…blank. Have you heard of being co-dependent? Something that might interest you if you ever have time to read.

And it is so hard when you truly care about someone to put yourself in the middle of their problems hoping you can pull them up a little, and lose.

Keep you head up! It isn’t your fault.
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:37 PM

Not a lovely day

So our latest project in type was to make a movie poster with your own hand made type. No images (well you could add them but they couldnt be the focus). The movie had to be from the sixties or seventies.

I chose a clockwork orange. Only one was due but I enjoyed making both forms, one is a stamp I made (drew out the type, transferred to the block, carved it and inked it) and the other is spilled “milk” (which was water and cornstarch) so my intent was to turn both in.

I finished them both yesterday, called kinkos to see how long it would need take to print (a couple minutes) and an hour and 20 mins before class I headed that way to print my stuff. I stood around for a while, (Colton happened to come to kinkos to print as well) and realized that they couldnt print our documents and when I had called a few hours earlier they should have told me that the printer had been broken for at least a day. So they say they will email it over to the other kinkos and by the time we get there it should be ready. They also called them, we stood back and listened to them call and explain what happened and made sure their printer worked.

So I had colton drive since I knew he would fly through traffic and get us there quick. We got there and the one lady there (talking 6 minute drive here) had no idea what we were talking about. So I said fine, act like we didnt say anything about an email and just print what we have.

She fumbled through it not understanding what to do, the document wouldnt open, then it was the wrong size, etc (btw, the document opened just fine and was the correct size I dont know what the hell she was doing).

We get them printed (over and hour later) and fly back to the other kinkos to spray mount them in this horrible wind. He dropped me off at the door and I fly upstairs to get there in time (if we are late its auto F).

Ugh, the spray mount didnt really work and both of our posters were slowly peeling off their boards by the time it came to presentation. So my A will be a B at the most because of the shatty mounting job. I finished the project early, printed it yesterday at school but didnt like the look (wanted a glossy print) so I decided to run by kinkos instead. I already had my board cut correctly and gave myself plenty of time for a 5 minute mounting job. Its the only time I have given myself that much time and printed it professionally…and it comes back and bites me in the ass. 🙁

After class I swung by to take a math test (should be an A) then went to the store to get a few things. I get home and the board thing that dad put up on one side of the porch (so the dog wouldnt escape from the yard via my porch) had blown down and broken into a lot of pieces. Fark. But whatever, I can get the groceries in the house a little easier now. So I stack them all on the porch then move them from the porch to my kitchen floor.

The the stupid effing dog goes and pees on the bags that I have laying out of the porch. Seriously sums my day up right there. And to top it off I am getting some sort of cold, my ears, throat and nose hurt like hell.

But without further ado here are my posters. The spilled milk one I plan on reprinting (since the wind bent it bad) and remounting and framing it for the living room. Originals are 10×16 inches. The files are huge so it might take a while for them to appear.



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Sara Graves- Martinez
i love your projects, they look great.
sorry you had a bad day! bad days tend to snowball like that don’t they?
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 9:36 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
oh I really like the spilled milk one!
And I hate that Kinkos put you through all that!
I hope you write a letter to the corporate manager, along with your friend, and give em bloody ell!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:03 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I also think you did a great job on your block! that took a lot of work!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:04 PM
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Ians birthday Party

I need to get my butt in gear making the invites but I do have a date.

Saturday, April 25th at 4pm. Our house, will be outdoors so if you have chairs please bring them.

We will be getting messy with homemade moonsand so play clothes would probably be best. Call or text me for details.


No Parking Stopping OR Standing

If you have made it here congrats, this is one of those lovely little preferred list blogs. It will probably be opened at a later date but right now I would rather it not be.

Today was my first day of counseling and it was much needed. I finally got caught up on all my school work and was feeling pretty good. Went in to counseling and we talked, went over touchy things from my past but I kept it together…at least until we got on self image.

I knew I had a problem with the way I perceived myself but I have always managed to keep it well hidden. I am not a fan of the 50 plus pounds I have gained since getting pregnant with Ian but I didnt realize just how bad I was about it.

So I need to work on loving myself, yeah yeah, cheesy but its true.

I am going through hella depression right now. Like nothing I have ever gone through before. I am finding it incredibly hard to get out of bed and go to school, in total this semester I have missed 3 weeks of classes most of those occurring after spring break. When I do drag myself out of bed, into clothes and to school I find myself drifting off to sleep while driving. Well I haven’t fallen asleep but I am damn close.

I get home and want to do nothing. I have projects out the butt and I cant seem to get them done, laundry piles (which is fine cause we all have a ton of clothes but it sucks doing 8 loads in a day) homework and studying are shoved to the side because I cant think straight to do it.

I think I threw up at least once every day last week. Just nausious and fainty feeling and in a little zone drifting from place to place but paying no attention to the surroundings.

And I have once again taken Boone back and I dont know why. I know I love him and I know he loves me and when we are together (sober) its great. He tells me how beautiful I am and how wonderful I am, etc.

But then it never fails that he goes out and drinks on a night that he was supposed to be over here. I keep being second to drinking. I know it, it keeps happening yet I keep going back.

Its piles up in my heart, I get tired of it and I leave him. I get shit on cause I left him and he is depressed. Suddenly becoming not worthy of his love and being threatened by new people that never seemed to matter before. But maybe its cause the friends that have always mattered arent surprised and just roll their eyes, just another sob story of Boones.

So I am sitting here waiting for the backlash of the latest of HIS screwup. Me not being understanding enough because he broke a promise to me once again and it was dealing with alcohol once again.

I just wish he would get his act together. He goes on the attack when he is drunk and it sucks ass being the target. I have somehow taken the burden of him drinking out on me. Like I feel
I need to help him with it, keep a constant nagging eye on him which
makes maters worse. Its not my responsibility to keep him sober yet I
refuse to be around him when he is drunk. Ugh…

He also seems to think that pointing out that others have problems and therefore they dont have the right to talk. But we all have problems, we all have issues but I (cant speak for the rest of the world) am doing my part to help figure it out.

I am constantly going over past shit, sorting it in my head, facing it and trying to change. Boone cant see that cause he didnt know me when I was married but Jason sees it clear as day and so do close friends. I have control issues and this is something I cant control. I want him to straighten up, everyone that REALLY cares about Boone wants him to but I cant be the one to show him the light.

He keeps asking for patience but at what expense?

I am terrified of the shitty blog from Boone to come…

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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I know and can relate…that is why I am where I am. I am hoping you can share these feelings in one of your sessions, I know what will be said, and I am sure you do to… it isn’t easy to change how we are. We live off their illness thinking WE can make them change! NOT! Then it is hard to take care of ourselves.

Patience won’t fix him. He is who he chooses to be and you can’t stop that, and if you really are terrified of a letter…let him go! You have two kids that need you more than he does. I know that fear! It put a knife in my hand and very close to doing something that would have put me in prison if Harley hadn’t taken me out of the house four years ago.
Don’t do anything that would get CPS involved if you love those kids! Nothing is worth having our children taken away or spending time in a nut house or prison!
You can’t keep him sober, and you can’t watch him all the time, and you can’t be alone! It is so stressful to even remember these things. Don’t let anyone take your happiness away. Don’t forget who you are! Take care of you that is what’s important.
You are still in transition carrying a large burden with school, and pushing yourself!
The past his a history on how we got to where we are now, that is all, and there is nothing we can do to change it, except maybe to use it as a lesson on how we can walk better each day.

I’ve got 30 years of journals that terrify me to think that I let myself, and my child, be put through the things that I did! I’d hate for you to wind up the same way!

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:27 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley

We accept the way they are…or we don’t, and both ways is a hard road to travel…

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails…

So, how do we judge what love is

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:57 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez

You are such a beautiful woman. You work so hard for your little ones. You are the world to them. You deserve the best! The comment before me sums up love.
You deserve that!

Wishing I was closer…

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 8, 2009 – Wednesday – 8:16 AM
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Death happens

Death or serious injury happens on either side of the debate but why is it only a big deal when I am going against the money making grain. Why do I have to sign something saying that I am risking my childs life by *not* injecting formaldehyde, and thimerosal into them. Does that make sense to you? And no, I dont take hugs from every person that comes along. Actually, dont fucking touch me if I dont know you and certainly dont hug my kids.

But the good news is that apparently not every medicaid taking doctor around here isnt an idiot and I actually, finally, found the kids a doctor that recognizes that some parents actually do do research and know whats being put into their bodies (and thats both sides of the issue here). Just bring in their exemptions….just bring in their exemptions….faint, thats the fast way to my heart. The way to get me running the other way is to inform me that I am risking my kids life but of course vaccinations are always 100 percent safe AND effective…snort.

Its like I switch over to Charlie Brown mode, wa wa wa wa waaaaa when someone starts on the spiel. Hopefully the next convo I will have with someone will be why c sections are so necessary.

Blarg, I have gone off on a rant again. Sorry. Feeling better though. I start therapy on the 6th.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I’m with you, question everything! The majority just go along with what the docs and drug companies say…and don’t get me started on c sections!!! I honestly believe that if they had left Jennifer alone, not started her on that toxin, and then decided oh, well, the baby won’t drop so… I think her baby would still be alive! SIDS? ya, what ever!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:38 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley

have fun in therapy!

Posted by Always Màthair on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:38 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 1, 2009 – Wednesday – 8:21 AM

You are a strong person

I am not worried about you anymore.

I get it and I appreciate it but dammit sometimes I want someone to worry about me again. I see that I have put up a strong image of myself, that I am perfectly content and obnoxiously happy but truth be told I have times where *I* scare myself.

Some nights I close my eyes and start running, I cant stop, I just run and I dont know what I am running from. Its right before I fall asleep, almost there but not quite. I occasionally wake up and raise up to stop the running but the minute my head hits the pillow it happens again.

It sucks and makes for a shitty night of sleep. I am back at the point of not being able to concentrate on my work again because I am so overwhelmed.

And when I hit that point my support system seems to let me slip because, well…I am a strong person. So I am left once again to sort out the shitty stuff in my head, take a bath and blank out the world around me, lay down in bed with my covers thrown all the way over me just trying to breath.

Tomorrow will be a better day, it will be as if the past week hasnt happened. I will drag myself out of bed and to school and refocus on life itself. My face is burning from crying so much today and I really have no reason to cry…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
YOu girl are overwhelmed! We tend to take on so much and one day runs into the next and it’s like you never get a finishing point from one day to the next! And that is why you cry.

I could mention something that would help with that but then I am sure you get a lot of try this try that comments. Talk to you doctor, let him know about what is going on with your sleep patterns. I have had that problem since I was a kid. My dad got me a multi band radio where I could get stations around the world…I’d lay there and start listening and would go to sleep. I did the same thing with a police radio, I would fall right to sleep. I was really bad about trying to solve the worlds problems when my head hit the pillow and I couldn’t shut it off!!!! Everything i did in the day would have to be justified and filed away or it would bug the crap out of me untill I had spent hours figuring out what it was that was keeping me awake. Sometimes it was something very simple and stupid like my keys not being in the right place for in the morning. Or I didnt’ get gas, or didn’t pay a bill, stuff like that. I’ve been on medicaton for a long time now for that and it’s when I go without it that it gets crazy! I’ll have to get up and do something to take my mine off it…what ever it was. I have one CD that I play every night.
It is for sleep and relaxation and I am always sound asleep before it finished, I also have a bio feedback program that relaxes me, and funny thing I can play Mahjongg for about an hour and I am dead tired and fall to sleep!

It helps to get a system in place. After the kids get to bed, turn the lights down, make sure everything is where it needs to be for the next day, make sure you haven’t forgotten to do something for the day that might make you jump up and go oh crap about.
Find some comforting relaxing music to softly play and maybe check your email for the last time, or play a simple on line game or read someones blog that you don’t know.NO caffiene! NO sugar! makes a big difference. Have you tried meditation? Or the other extreme…ti bo or something to absolutely wear you out?

I hope you can find a pattern of relaxation that will work for you.
Do you have restless leg syndrome? I used to but this medicine had stopped my legs from jerking to!

You need to get to that REM sleep!

Good luck!

Posted by Always Màthair on March 30, 2009 – Monday – 12:02 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
i agree with her. sleep would definately help with the strees. i do tv. i had anxiety so bad in high school that i would literaly fall asleep taking notes in coach rosens class. so i started watching tv. i would focus on the tv and forget all the things running in my mind. i think it helps to rest your mind, and then your dreams might not be so intense. i always had the ones where you wake up and cant move! those are freaky too.
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 30, 2009 – Monday – 9:56 AM
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Carol Bivens
Hey Girly! I myself understand being a strong person and how when you aren’t feeling strong no one seems to help you because they think you can handle it. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they don’t know. All I can say is, when you are feeling like you need support the easiest way(and the hardest for those of us who hate to admit weakness) to get what you need is (1) figure out what it is that would make you feel better and (2) tell someone in your support network what that thing is and (3) give them an opportunity to support you. I’m just now learning this lesson myself and have found it to be very effective….getting what you need from those you care about without the use of medication. If you are fulfilled emotionally all the other stressors in life don’t seem quite as bad.
Hope that helps!
Posted by Carol on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 11:29 AM
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Socks and underware go in the pocket

At least thats what I do when I am packing my bag…or wondering where those key items went to when I have arrived at my destination and need to sort everything out.

Speaking of unpacking bags, I did a little of it today. A friend of Boones needed a computer and I had my old laptop from back when I lived in Utah/Ians first six months of life. I hadnt touched the thing in years but Jason had used it for various things over the years. I never touched his laptop/computer so I had no clue what was on it.

Little things but still jaring things, numerous documents talking about how wonderful he was and how seemingly horrible I was. I read it now and it just makes me sad, all those years flying by and I never knew. Blah. Also lots of old pics and files that I hadnt seen in years…

But anywho, today marks (I think, lol) one years since our custody hearing. That was an oh so funny day, Jason had his butt handed to him by the judge. He hadnt grasped that no one, especially a judge, would find it a good thing that he left his wife to move in with his girlfreind, the one he had cheated with. Previous agreements that Jason and I had made in writing were attempted to be thrown out but the judge saw through it and Jason had to stand by those. And he did, it wasnt until the divorce that I decided to let those go, no longer being held hostage, under his finger, at least when it came to money.

Now Jason and I are great, I still consider him one of my best friends. He had grown leaps and bounds when it came to the kids. Would it have been nice had he not fallen off the dad wagon? Well yeah. But he did and after a relativly short amount of time he pulled his head out.

Enough of that I suppose….

So this weekend was Angs birthday party and we had it here. Jason was supposed to have watched the kids but was to sick to drive up here so they stayed with me. Try as I might I just cant let myself loosen up with my kids around, even asleep I still am in mom mode. But I still had a good time, it was nice to be able to go jump into my jammies, lol.

Tomorrow I have school, then I am coming home to catch up on stuff that should have been done over spring break.

Wednesday I go in to see about some counseling. Its not something I am ashamed or embarrassed to admit. Part of the reason I do these blogs is to help get it all out and I think having someone that isnt here in the middle of it all will help too. For the most part I have things under control but it obvious that the same relationship problems keep coming up with me, just with every new relationship the roles seem switched.

And with that I am off…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Let me know if you get any goood pointers on that one!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 24, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:18 AM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
hmmm, counseling sounds fun. i think it would be cool to find out what a ‘professional’ thought about me and my little ticks… or maybe not! lol! good luck with that! =]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 24, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:07 AM
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Love me, Hate me, Want me

Finished this up last night, critique was today. The originals are 9×9, saving them and uploading them I halved the file size so the quality is not 100%. The grittiness is supposed to be there. Had to make 3 collages of found type, the only time the computer was used was to put the document together.

Theme was love me, want me, hate me.

Love me, Want me

Hate Me

Love Me

Thanks for the inspiration for the hate one, yall know who you are. 😉


Sara Graves- Martinez
hah! this is great.
i love that you thank the people that inspired you! you’re just awesome!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 12, 2009 – Thursday – 3:59 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
wow, interesting piece! I like it
Posted by Always Màthair on March 12, 2009 – Thursday – 8:11 PM
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Boone Smith
This is one of your best! I’m very impressed. You have picked the right field of study. I can’t wait to see what you do next. Love ya.
Posted by Boone on March 13, 2009 – Friday – 5:03 PM

Ah, I am sorry

If if wasnt for my divorce I wouldnt be who I am today. I wouldnt have stepped up to the plate as a mom (well the point that I am now). I wouldnt be in school. I would still be anti social. I would still be rather depressed. I wouldnt have friends and family so close. I wouldnt have my children socialized. I wouldnt have music back in my life…any arts. I would still feel stupid/uneducated. I could go on and on…

Seriously, this divorce was the best thing that has happened to me. The swift kick got me going and I havent stopped.

So when I tell people I am divorced I always hear, “ah, I am sorry”. To which I always reply “its the best thing that happened to me” or “you wouldnt know me if I hadnt”.

I thank the friend that recommended Spiritual Divorce, that book is great at helping you step out of the situation and see it as a positive light. And I am glad I was able to do so, carrying around hate, resentment and what ifs from years past would only bring me down. It has divorce in the title but its not meaning strictly divorce.

So no need for the sorrys, really, life is grand being divorced.

And on that note, Ginta, Dani and I are heading to Lubbock tonight (you know, the city where I had that terrible thing called a divorce) to see the post secret event. Should be awesome. I am mostly done with my type project but I am holding off on finishing them with hope that I will find even more cool stuff (type) to photograph.

I am excited to finish them up and show them off.

And with that I am off for a nap..

This type project

Sometimes I think that maybe this whole graphic design thing isnt me and then sometimes it hits me that its totally the right choice.

Admittedly I am a slacker when it comes to the projects, a few days before I am cramming so I can have something to critique and get a grade. 😉

My new type project is to take forms of type, on signs, in magazine, products etc. and make a collage. Funnily enough the theme is love me, hate me, want me. So for the past weeks I have engulfed myself in the project, who would have know that those feelings would be running so deep within me at the time.

I keep stumbling across things that scream out to me that that would be perfect, stuff so simple as my toothpaste…sensitivity.

I am much more sure of myself this semester but maybe thats cause I have a better grip on illustrator, that was such a high learning curve for me and I think I just got stuck mentally when it came to using the program.

And with that I am off for the night. Its been a great day and last night was good, nice loooooong conversation with Boone clearing up things on both sides of the fence.

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