; charset=UTF-8" /> Story About A Girl » After the divorce

I am SO not Cinderella…at least not this year. ;-)

Year number 5 has come and gone, that flew by faster then I thought it would.

Lets see, I can back track and play the “woe is me, my husband cheated on me and left me when I was pregnant” card OR move on cause bringing it up constantly gets really really old. Lol.

No but really, lets see what all has happened this year…

Jason, my good friend/ex husband, got remarried this past January. It took some serious getting used to. We were very close and when they started dating the distance between us grew so much that I thought I would never have that “friendship” back again. The good news though is that after I stepped back and stopped freaking out inside Jason and I still had an awesome friendship.

Go me…err…us? I supposed it takes a certain kind of person to just let go. A certain kind of person to move on and to stop dredging up the past. I am pretty certain that I could still be miserable but I am choosing not to be. But…

Do I still break down every time I relive those days?


Do I go into a blubbering tear filled mess when I even think about it?


Am I currently doing the above?


And its gone.

In the short amount of time that it took me to type that, I thought, I cried, I processed and I moved on! Maybe one day I will get to the point of dodging the crying, maybe.

Anywho, moving along…

Nothing too terribly out of the norm happened this year. Krystal and I broke up, but it’s still not anything that I care to talk about, certainly not on here at least.

I suppose that brings up the whole gay/straight thing. It is also not anything that I care to bring up. I am glad I am not getting bugged about it as bad as I had thought I would. Lets just say you never know who you are going to fall for until its already happened.

My motto (even though people were not aware of it, even my best friends) was alway one that didn’t look at gender.

To me, if I dated just men or just women then who’s to say I wasn’t automatically cutting out someone who was a “perfect” match. And I use the term “perfect” loosely.

For me, every relationship I have been in has been one that I have learned and grown from. I will always believe everything happens for a reason and within that I believe that people walk in and out of your life just to teach you how to better yourself, be it directly or indirectly.

For this I am extremely thankful for my past relationships, no matter how rocky they were or how they ended. In the end I have always tried to take the high road and not the drown in the past. I can only speak of my experiences though and I would assume that a 20 year marriage would be a whole hell of a lot harder to move past then a 5 year marriage.

So lets see, Jason got married, I switched teams, and hrm…I had reconstructive surgery on my knee. Lol.

I suppose that could be a “high” point of the year. Me going 32 years and not hurting myself only to go dancing and end up with fun medical bills. Ha.

Damage was done on October the 27th. Bruised bones, torn meniscus, and a completely snapped ACL. Whoops. All for being my silly self. I have healed rather fast, but not so fast as to doing the naughty 5 days after surgery, (hahaha). I also wont be able to fit into any glass slippers for another year, the shoe doesn’t fit…I need to go buy new (flat) ones. Boo.

Oh sorry, I got off track. I will be released to full duty on January 21st, but still no heels and certainly no dancing for a while.

Ian was hospitalized once this year for pneumonia, that was no fun. It was been 1.5 years since the last hospital stay and we are hoping thats the last one, period.

Hope started Pre-K and is loving every minute of it. She has wanted to be in school since Ian started Kindergarten which made the transition to school pretty easy.

Work is still wonderful, I love the friendships that I have with my coworkers. I couldn’t imagine working anywhere other then where I work, which yes, happens to be a maximum security prison.

My relationship with Paul is wonderful, tho it is still in the “pinch me to wake me up cause everything can’t really be this wonderful in real life” part of the relationship. It sure would be awesome if it stayed this way though. It’s a first being with someone this “involved” you could say. I don’t feel like I have to hide parts of myself around him, I feel like I can be completely open and honest and get the same in return.

I am enjoying every minute of it, even the really hard ‘person that doesn’t even know me but talks about me in ugly ways’ parts. I know who I am as a person, which isn’t anything like is assumed of me.

Eh, what can I do besides laugh it off…right?

This house is usually quiet, bed time for me is usually 9, and my social life isn’t anything out of the norm for an adult single mother of two. I really have calmed it down in the last few years.

I supposed I needed to get the sadness/rage/hurt/depression/hopelessness/helpless feeling out of my system after Jason left and I do admit to having my fair share of fun times (although I was still responsible, thank you very much).

This past year has been mainly me and the kids. I have grown to love spending time with them. Not that I haven’t always loved spending time with them but things are different when you can converse with them at a higher level, play games with them and all that other stuff that comes with having kids in the house.

I never wanted to be a single mother but it is the hand that was dealt to me and I wouldn’t take it back for the world. There is a certain kind of pride knowing that I am doing it pretty much on my own. I am not living off the anyone, not the government nor my exhusband. I have the kids most of the time and I am a-ok with it. I miss them terribly when they aren’t here, even if it is just for one night.

I am so glad I have such awesome kids but I happen to know the awesomeness comes from both me and Jason and the relationship we have with one another. I speak of Morgan (his wife) in nothing but a positive light when the kids are around. The last thing I want is them feeling like they need to pick a side. They are little, I get that, but even when they are in their teens I still wont bring up what happened between Jason and I. What is in the past is in the past, Jason and I both had fault but we have grown from it and have moved on. The only thing my kids need to know is that they are loved from all sides of their families and that will never change. It doesn’t matter that Jason is remarried, it doesn’t matter if I get remarried, the love will never change.

So I guess I have come full circle again on my subject and I will leave it at that. 2012 was awesome, 2013 will be as well. No clue what the next year has in store for me but thats the exciting part about life, you never know what the next day will hold.

This perfectly sums up my married life

Sometimes my intentions were “good” (I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or worry you), most times my intentions were selfish. I paid careful attention to what I thought it was that you liked about me, and I tried to present that picture all the time. As such, I never “let you in” in any meaningful way. I always hid portions of myself from you, at first because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore, but as time went on I did it to purposefully keep you out. ~Jason

When I look back at the 6.5 years that Jason and I were together I can’t help but think of those few sentences. I would like to think that I am over it, that it is processed and in the past but it’s not. I don’t ever want to live in a fantasy land again, one that at 37 weeks pregnant is snagged from under my feet. It STILL hurts to think about and it still brings up tears and bad emotions. It was painful and embarrassing but most of all it was my life.

3 years ago the judge officially signed our divorce papers. Tonight I took a walk through a past blog as a reminder to myself of how far I have came. The desperation of those typed words still rip my heart apart and it has been almost 4 years since he first left.

But what happened then made me who I am today and it serves as a reminder that life has a funny way of working itself out in ways that are the least expected.

AUGUST 15TH, 2008
Dirty Laundry 


I am offically single, well in a sense that thats the box I can check from now on. No desire to check the divorced one. I got my paperwork, final decree in the mail today. Now begins the tedious work of changing mine and the kids names, what fun.And for your reading pleasure I am posting just about everything that has happend since October. Why? Because it steps ME through the pain again and lets ME see how much I have grown since then. Reading what I wrote then, how weak I was is upsetting. It brings back every emotion I had back but also makes me stronger.

Unless you are on ctt with me you have never read these, they are just cuts and pastes from the board. The dear Juli letter is finally scanned in, all of this is printed off and being locked away only to be see again in 15/20 years.

So here you have it…

Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:26 am

37 weeks pg and dh tells me he doesnt want me anymore

i dont know what to do

excuse the typos and the lack of capsi am at my parents house, they came and got ian and i last night. i didnt trust myself to drive 2 hours.

i swear to yall, i thought i had the perfect marriage, the perfect husband, the perfect father to my child/ren. it all came crashing down yesterday. he hasnt cheated per se but he is emotionally attached to another girl. he is trying to figure out if he wants to work the marriage out or if he just wants to leave. he is so blank, he doesnt love me anymore.

i dont know what to do. my parents had no knowledge of this homebirth. it was to be just me and him, he is my rock. my midwife is 2 hours away from where we live and 4 hours from my parents. i cant go back home and have this baby by myself. as dumb and selfish as it sounds i just want to find a doc here, scheduel a c section and just get it over with. no one supports my decision to homebirth and at the moment i dont have a home.

i dont know what to do with ian. jason put him to sleep every night for the past 2 years, i dont know how to even begin to explain to him that daddy isnt going to rock him to sleep every night. i have no idea how i am supposed to put ian to sleep as well as an infant. i am so dumb, i cant believe i am in this situation. dumb dumb dumb

do i stay? i want my husband back but he is just so blank to me. he says he has been miserable for 2 years. i thought the past 2 years were the best of our marriage. i dont get it, how could i be so blind.

i cant eat, i took a bite of my granola bar and almost threw it up. ians already thrown up this morning. he knows somethings up.

is this all a dream, its a dream right? the only thing missing in our lives was that the fence wasnt white.

my parents only have dial up and i keep expecting him to call and say come home, lets talk.

i want to save this marriage but is it even savable now?

i was extremely swollen, like i was with ian swollen but it has gone down. i dont want to resent this baby but i feel like if i wasnt pg this wouldnt have happened. i dont want ppd again…..or maybe i still have it.

jami, lory….someone close close to me….anybody. i hate the phone with a passion but its just me and ian in my parents house. please call me. if it keeps ringing that means i am online so just call back.

Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:27
Its been a long, draining, emotional week

I feel like I need to get this out so I am typing it all up here. No one knows any of this but I need to get it out and I dont want to talk to my irl friends/family about it.So things are good with Jason and I but I have a major hang up, major. When he eventually told me that Sunday that he was in love with another women I asked him if he had done anything. He said he had hugged and held her hand but that was it.

I told myself that I could get over that and I can/did.

That sunday I told him he needed to call his dad, set himself straight and to give himself some time to think it all out. I thought he would and I thought he would do it alone.

Well no, he called her on Monday and she came over. They talked and they kissed. How in the hell is he supposed to be focusing on us if he is calling her to come over to MY house!

Tuesday is when Mom, Ian and I came down to talk. Thats when we talked it over and decided to keep on with the marriage and to continue working to stay together. He didnt mention that she came over on Monday and he certainly didnt mention the kiss. Not until Wednesday when I asked to make sure he did nothing more then hug and hold her hand.

I cannot get past this. A kiss to him is as important as it gets so that fact that he shared that with another woman, ESPECIALLY when he was supposed to be focusing on US pisses me off to no end. Then to keep it from me on tuesday when we were supposed to be talking it out just seems wrong.

I am fine one minute and then I start thinking about it and I just loose it. Burst into tears, start swelling, feeling lied too, emotional, ugly, worthless, everything I SHOULDNT be feeling, especially being so pregnant.

I sit in the living room and see it happening. All the good in this house has been sucked out. This was my grandparents house, its where I spent a large part of my life time. I dont want to think about my husband dropping me and bringing someone that has no business being here here. I no longer have the fond memories of sitting in the tub with my cousin with mr. bubble bubbles and grandpas selson blue shampoo to turn our hair blue. I no longer see me sitting in the living room playing with my 1970s barbies and blow up furniture. I dont see the happy holidays that were spent here for 24 years. I just keep replaying that Sunday and Monday, I cant seem to get past it and its killing me inside.

Jason and I talk about it every time I get to feeling this way. I was doing real good and then last Sunday it hit me hard. I couldnt close my eyes without seeing/hearing me desperately pleading him not to leave me. Since this past monday I think I have gotten a handle on replaying what happened on Sunday but I am still stuck on this kiss thing. I feel dirty, disgusting and used when he kisses me. Not all the time, not even close but sometimes it just hits me and I loose it.

I dont like feeling this way. It takes a lot to piss me off and when I do get to that point it takes a lot to get me to sit in the same room with you. I know I have anger towards Jason and I hate that I do. The love far outweighs the anger but its still there. My absolute hate and rage goes towards that girl. What kind of person would come over to my house to essentially take my husband away? He says she kissed him, that she wanted to let him know that he was “loved”. Pathetic excuse, there are no words.

He asked if he had told me on tuesday about that kiss would I still want to stick around and try to make it work. I said yes but its that he didnt tell me on tuesday when he really should have. I was lied to for 2 years. I would love to conveniently think that he “forgot” to tell me on tuesday but at this point I cant. I cant get over that feeling.

I am so scared that these feelings are going to come up when I eventually go into labor. I have no idea what will happen if they do. I dont know if I am having such a hard time moving past this because I am so incredibly, hormally pregnant or if I would react this way if I wasnt.

I feel blah one minute and then great the next. Its so confusing. And then to throw a baby into the mix of it all….


Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:35 pm

Its over, he has been sleeping with her and lying about it

I am a fool to have ever taken him back. He never talked to her and said they couldnt talk, he made that all up to please me. He has been sleeping with her since school started back up last month.** Wrote this 3 page letter of crap with no mention that he slept with her. I went to pick him up this morning so we could talk it out, thats when he told me. So I promptly detoured to the bank so he could empty the account. I made him take Ian with him so he didnt cop out. Called his dad and let him know that Jason had been cheating on me. I took his cell and the house keys. Started to drive home he said he needed to get clothes and toiletries. I told him he shared a vagina he can share some shampoo. Told him that he will have to stay in the clothes on his back for the next couple of days.I thought to myself, “I should drop his ass off in the middle of a cotton field BUT that would waist gas” so I just pulled over, in the middle of no where and told him that I will need an address to send the divorce papers and then told him to get the hell out. He asked for his cell back and I told him no and drove off.

Got home and threw everything I could into trash bags and stuffed it into the car. I also took the prized ps3 and wii. Grabbed his tooth brush and cleaned the toilet bowl with it and put it back.

Called the police and told them to watch the house for the next couple of days. Locked up the house and left. Went to check the mail and noticed he took the mail key. I went in and told the front office to watch the house and she is having the mail man deliver the mail to the office.

Drove to amarillo and the outskirts of the city are basically on fire. Just a block away a huge fire was brewing. Slight heart attack over that.

Asshole, complete and total asshole.

So ANYONE that wants to call feel free too. I cant call out because it costs my parents a lot of money. I will update the contact thread and put it here as well.


I just dont know what I would do without you girls. Thank God we hadnt moved yet!

Any advice on how to break it to Ian or help with a divorce would be great.

I should note here that when he FIRST told me he slept with her while we were driving in the car he told me the first time was when school started. A few days later he was honest with me and told me it was actually the last day of school.


Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:02 am

I called him yesterday
I am such a dumbass

I have been looking for books on divorce and all of them say to try to work it out, try to mediate you can move on with your marriage after an affair and it will be stronger. Bah, it puts that crap into my head, the we can work it out crap.So I called him, it was either him or Ginta and dumb butt me called him pleading to come back. Bang

Why do I keep doing this to myself, he isnt really what I want and never really was. I didnt get a proper engagement, our wedding day was so insignificant that I could never remember the date. I had to beg him to come to doctor appointments when I was pg with Ian plus he wouldnt stay in the hospital with me when I had Ian. Never in the 6 years did I get a card, I got a flower once because I begged him (our first vday). No birthday or Christmas presents, I bought all my own.

The past couple of days have been real hard, Ian wont let me out of his site and just calls mama over and over and over again. I get frustrated with him because I cant just get away and I know the last thing he needs is a frustrated mama that just wants to get away.

The house is coming today, thats a relief and a headache all at the same time. I get the luxury of sorting stuff. Jason wants NOTHING, nothing at all except what he came in with which is books and other random crap. So odd but I guess it makes it easy when it comes to the actual divorce.

I still cant believe this is me and my situation, it could definitely be worse but its still shocking and sinking in.

Anyone have any good bottle recommendations? I cant leave hope for more then 2 hours and their are times when I will need too. I am so scared that I am going to loose my breastfeeding relationship along with everything else but I have got to get out and have some me time. Its something I havent had in the past 5 years.


Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:37 pm

I would rather be a bitch then a liar
Custody hearing was today, plus more fun stuff

Lets just say that everyone else is right, me, the one married to the idiot for 4.5 years still cant see that he is lying to me constantly. Sigh…..So the custody hearing was this morning at 8:30, three times now (in the letter he wrote me, in email and also a signed paper) he has said that he would help support us above and beyond basic custody for the next twelve months. Today we get to the court house and he tells my attorney that the max he can afford is 415 a month, he had agreed to 835. Since this was dealing with custody and not the divorce part she said she didnt know if the judge would let us get the extra 400. He also left out the fact that he tutors when he wants the cash and makes 25-30 bucks an hour at it. He has been telling me for the past month that he has no money yet every time he walks in the door he is in a new shirt and new pants. Fucker, I was already pissed because he went to abiline to meet homewreckers folks (they must be soooo proud) and didnt even bother to call and wish Ian a happy Easter.

So we go in front of the judge and he says thats all he can afford. My attorney grills him about the tutoring and he stumbles with that a bit and then asks if he is splitting rent with his girlfriend that he has been living with since we split (he wrote in his financial papers that he was paying all rent and utilities). He said yes but that he wanted his own place that way he could take Ian for visitation (we had previously agreed that he would wait for a year that way he could take both kids). Its obvious he only cares about Ian, if he does in fact get a house then he wont see Hope since she can only leave me for 2 hours.

In my financial documents I wrote out all my bills and added the midwife bill. Dumbass Jason notes that thats not my bill its his and he has said that he would take care of it, in court and under oath so thats taken care of. Love eyes

So lets just say the judge wasnt impressed with Jason in the least and at the end he said he was ordered to pay 415 a month….short pause….plus 400. :evilgrin

So thats taken care of until the divorce, at that time it could be reversed and he could have to pay the measly 415.

On to me I suppose. I finally got the internet today, its so nice having something faster then 28.8 kbps.

Its so sad, the man I thought I married and the dad that I thought my kids had is nothing more then a selfish pitiful excuse for a human. I was flabbergasted this morning when he said he would only pay 415. I really thought he would start being true to his word but its more obvious now more then ever. I feel so bad for my kids, I want them to have a relationship with Jason but its just not going to happen and me pushing Jason to be there isnt working either. He just does not care, at all.

He also told my attorney that he plans on always staying in school so 1’644 is what he will always make.

I might have been a total bitch to him in our relationship (though now that I have done some reflecting the times I called him stupid are the times that we would fight and he had just been caught in a lie) but at least I am not a liar. I am a painfully honest person, my memory is way to shot for me to try to keep up with the lies so I have always told it like it is and because of that I have some wonderful friends and great support. I dont see how he sleeps at night, I could never forgive myself if I had done what he has done.

I am so happy, I have my freak out moments but I am happy. For the first time in years I am actually in pictures instead of the one taking them and I am smiling to boot.

So thanks for reading, I am so behind on the board but I figured I would fill you all in. I feel like I shouldnt be so happy and feel so good but I am and its nice.
Who knew what divorce could do to a person.


Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

Thread posted “Juli”

It went as well as could be expected. He contested the extra 400 and tried to walk away with the whole stimulus check (that he has had for the past month and a half) and pinning the midwife bill on me (that he already agreed to pay in court). He also said he didnt want the kids names changed which he had previously agreed to and signed on. Everything he ever said he would do he went back on and I was fully expecting it.Firstly, It wasnt the divorce, it was a temporary hearing. His attourney (which looked like she hadnt washed her hair in a while, had a hot pink bra and wore flip flops, winner!) basically wasted our time because everything could have been mediated over the phone but she would never respond to my attourney. So we went down there to negotiate.

First he tried to settle with paying July, halfing the stimulus check with me and having me pay the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said he could give me July, August and September, all of the stimulus check and he had to pay the midwives.
He didnt agree.
He came back and agreed to July, August and giving me half the stimulus and halving the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said I would never sign the stimulus so neither of us would see that money and we would go infront of the judge at a later date and let him make the call.
Court date was set for October 3rd.
We left the building, were in the parking lot and got a call from my attorney. Came back.
He said he would give me spousal for August and September, all the stimulus and he would pay the midwives.
I agreed, have the stimulus check, signed the papers (which still have to be typed up to be official), depositing the check tomorrow. I should get the offical typed papers to sign Thursday. Friday (because I know he wont have talked to his attorney by then) when I see him I am going to tell him that I changed my mind. Just to fuck with him and see the look on his face. Of course everything will be final and I wont really take back my word but it will still be fun.

He didnt bother to change the custody which further makes me realize that he really doesnt want anything to do with Hope. Custody is set for 2 hours on 2 Saturdays a month, thats it. I of course give him more but you would think he would want it written that he can take her.

No geographical restrictions, we can move to New Zealand next month and he couldnt do a damn thing about it.

The kids will be wexxx grxxxx without the dash. He didnt want them having the dash so it will be a second middle name, idiot.

My dad, girlfriends and I laughed the whole times. Even took pictures. I am so glad its over with.

And yes I know I could have went in front of the judge in October to fight for that 400 and I know that some of yall dont see eye to eye with me over the money but I feel good with the agreement. Money really isnt an issue.

In the long run I walked out with 1600 in spousal support which in Texas is rare. 5,500 cash from the bank account, a paid for house and a paid for car. No bills except utilites, everything was paid off before we split. I could be in a much much worse position and I realize that and thank bob every day that I have a roof over my head and tons of help.

Btw, I should have a new laptop screen in a week.


My Dear Juli letter, its what I woke up to on February 13th, 7am. I cant read it in its entierty, I have a couple of times but its been months. I am happily filing it away. Maybe I should just cleans myself from it and throw it away but for now I will hold on to it. I read it all as false now anyways, how anyone could ever do what he has done to one of “the best friends a person could ever have” is beyond me.

Only my best irl friends have seen this…(zoom the page to read the letter)

So here is to new beginings. I am looking forward to school and adjusting fairly well to being a single mom. Ian goes down to see Jason next weekend, I am not happy about him not seeing Hope for a month but he didnt seem to care. Nor am I happy about Nicole being in my childs life but thats something out of my control. They moved into a two bedroom last month, one room is theirs and the other is a study/Ians room. I am pretty positive that all along he has told his family that he is moving out on his own but yeah, thats certainly not the case now.


The only other private blog to be unlocked is the one below…

The past 24 hours

So thats all of it, feel free to call, comment or message me. If you managed to get all this read then congrats, lets do lunch.

By the way, I no longer feel the pain that I felt months ago when I am in this house. I can safely sit in my recliner and sleep in my bed and not toss and turn reliving that day in October.

My vacation was nice

I intended to leave my life’s dramas behind when I hopped on that plane to Portland. I suppose you cant escape yourself, you’ll always be along for the ride.

But my intentions were to heal, to meet new people, to go new places and to leave the past in the past.

For the most part I did, their were those long car rides where things would come back, I would stare out the window at the most beautiful land I have ever seen and tear up. 5 months into the year and I must say I have never had so many ups and downs in such a short period.

Thus far my 2011 can best be described as bipolar. Extreme highs followed by extreme lows followed by highs again, middle ground just hasn’t happened for me in a good long while. I’m doing much better then before but its still a constant inner battle, its inner because I know everyone around me is just plain tired of hearing it.

So what do I do to cope? On a whim go visit a friend, travel 1,665 miles, visit 3 different states (add 2 to that if ya wanna count the layovers, ha), take lots of pictures, do lots of talking, see parts of the country I never dreamt I would see, get a new tattoo…I could go on and on.

It was most certainly healing but the moment the plane touched down in Amarillo it all came rushing back to me, I escaped but only for a few days. I’m at least dusted off and I am ready to start “over” again.

Just press forward.
Stop looking back, you’ll miss what’s right in front of you if you do.
Time heals.

Those are all things that I say to myself on a constant basis. It’s working, just not as fast as I would like it to. 😉

In all honesty, if the rapture came…

I would be happy with where I am at this point in my life.
If I died tomorrow I would be okay with my current and past “ships”.
I know I have done everything I possibly could have done to try to fix any major screw ups along the way.
I’m good with it.
I hold no grudges.
I forgive others that were involved.
And most of all I forgive myself.

If I had to sit and watch a replay of my life, all the ups and downs, I would be okay with what I saw.

I don’t know what lies ahead, thats the fun part I suppose. I don’t know what new person I will meet or what sudden realization I will have.

I once was very planned I’m now very random.
I have learned to just let go, tho its way harder for some things then others.

I hear time heals, I suppose thats true. Thats a hard statement for someone as hard headed as me to swallow.
But time is the only given, thats the only constant in life, as long as we are still living “time” is still going. Everything else is, no matter how much we think differently, is unpredictable.

I guess me and time need to become friends, especially since I have no idea when it’s going away (tho I am certain it wont be Saturday).

So here is to time, the rapture, that chick behind my couch, funnel cakes, whoopie cushions and most of all the future. 😀

That’s it, it hit me…finally.

Ive been going back and forth and back and forth wanting to type out everything for a while. I would type it all out and then go and delete it all. i dont know why I kept doing it.

Blogging, for me, is therapeutic. I used to be fantastic at typing it all out. I could rattle on and on and by the end I would have solved the problem with a few strokes at a keyboard. I dont know what I have been waiting around for. Even as I am tying this I am realizing I am rambling and should probably just stop but Im not going to this time.

Shit happens, I know this. And anyone that knows me knows that I get up and dust myself off and move the fuck on. Im always the one to say the cliché of “Everything happens for a reason”. And like every lesson in life before, the latest lesson has a reason attached to it.

I think I have finally come to the point in my life where I dont want a dysfunctional relationship. Every relationship in the past has been just that, dysfunctional. And the one thing connecting all of those relationships was, well, ME. I have always felt the need to rescue people, not intentionally but when it was all said and done and I could look back on it all I realize thats what I did every.single.time.

I dont want that anymore and because of that I am choosing to stay single. Im choosing to be that odd numbered wheel over being in a dysfunctional relationship. Im still not ready for one and its been 2 years since my last real relationship. I dont want the drama, and yes I know it seems to fall right in my lap (it is the J word after all).

I dont want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

Just like I did in January I need to refocus and be that positive Juli that people know and love. I need to move forward and stop looking back. I cant fix people and I cant change peoples feelings on whats happened.

I have got to just let go.

I might be a super forgiving person but I realize thats a quality that a lot of people dont have.

Im nice
Im passive
Im tender hearted
And I cant help it…

But thats what makes Juli Juli. I need to be ok with this again. I *will* be ok with this again.

My apologies to those that have dealt with a very morose Juli in the past few months.
Many thanks for solidifying the wonderful friendships I have.

I am very grateful
Very blessed
And very much not alone.

The past once again has molded me into a new ever changing person.

Here is to tomorrow which will be just another yesterday.


How can a word bring about such a strong emotion when it is told to you. I have heard it said to me before but never like this. Never have so many emotions come forth from one simple word. I have a hard time accepting the word. I know I can be cute and that I try to be a good person but beautiful, thats hard to swallow. I guess I am still kicking myself in the butt for my past. For a turn down a path that I still shake my head at. But also, I know that those turns made me who I am today and that I have many more in this life time. Maybe it was who it was said by, at any rate it hit me hard.

Laying in bed that night, while having my weird bimonthly swirl of emotions (I call it an invisaperiod) I couldnt stop crying. It was happy tears, but tears no less. I hate to cry, I hate to show weakness and I hate when people are around when I do. But that night, I was actually comforted and after I chose to stop burying my head in the pillow I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and acceptance and it was wonderful.

Sometimes I stop and wonder to myself if I am indeed myself or just faking the Juli I want to be. But that makes no sense, my actions are my actions and its not that I am faking being strong, its that (at least in that moment) I am strong.

I do not like being doubted or second guessed. I dont like to be told how I am feeling but that I just wont admit it. But I also dont like confrontation so if someone does put me in a corner I usually do one of two things, I cry or I laugh.

I am occasionally doubted when it comes to my feelings about the person I am dating and her still hanging out with her exs and it bugs me. Believe me, if I had a problem with it she would know, but I dont.

But here is the deal, the is the very first “ship” I have been in that I havent felt the need to control. After a lot of reflection and writing I concluded my being desperate and needy would backfire every single time. So I have been working on that but strangely, with her, its easy. She is like this breath of fresh air that I have needed for so long. I have a life, she has a life and we have a life. It doesnt feel rushed or that one person has more control over the other. And contrary to what has been suggested to me, we are both very respectful towards each other.

And if, for some odd reason you are still scratching your head over “she/her” dont, because yes, I am dating a girl. And no, its isnt some random, omg my ex husband wont take me back crap, its real and its been there since I was a teenager. Jason knew my desires when we were married, I do believe he is the only one that ever knew of them. I dont know why I kept my little secret for so long. I guess those that were really paying attention could have pinned it easily.

I am sure word has traveled all through fb land and the blogsphere but for those closest to me I actually told them. My friends and family proved to me just how wonderful they are. My ex husband, well, sigh. And my parents were rather funny about it. See, back in high school dad and I had mom convinced I was a lesbian. We had her going for a while, then one day she sat me down for the “I accept you talk” and I told her I was kidding. So of course she gave me crap over that when I told her. Dads response was that he was a lesbian too and that I made terrible choices in men. lol.

Anywho, I dont know what led me to follow through with just hopping on out but I am glad I did. I read a book a while back where I had to answer questions about my soulmate and funny enough I always used the term “they” as opposed to “he”. As if I was leaving an opening for both sexes.

So ya, there you have it, a little update. 🙂

3 years ago today

I was undergoing a mess of emotions that, back then, I thought I would never be able to process. I was scared shitless, my heart was totally broken, I was betrayed, lied to and pretty much tossed to the side for someone else. Hope was 2 months old, Ian was 3 and I was a single mother. *I* was a *single* mother. I would love to forget glancing at the kitchen table, reading a letter that my then husband had left on the table for me to read. I would love to not have a rush of emotion every time I think about reading that letter.

I was stunned.
I was lost.
I was alone.

But I packed up my crap, drove me and the kids to Amarillo and tried not to look back. Jason was my everything, I didnt know how to breathe without him. And up until a few months ago, even almost 3 years after he left he was still my everything. I seemed to not be able to function without him and it was pathetic really. He seemed to only want me for one thing which, in a desperate attempt for him to take me back, I always gave it to him.

And then I stepped back, I realized that maybe I didnt need him after all. I started reading books like crazy. I desperately needed to get myself together on way more then a superficial level. I can talk a good game. I can put this smile on and fake my way through the day like its second nature. I did it for years and I could continue for years. But I didnt want to, I didnt want to be that scared little girl on the inside anymore. I was tired of doing what was expected of me. I was tired of caring what people thought of me. I was tired of living an image that on the inside tore me apart, it wasnt me.

So, with a deep breath, a promise to myself to be myself and tons of little notes taped to my mirrors and walls I started the process to match the inner and outer Juli. And thats where I am at right now and I must say its a blast.

I am not going to hold myself back for fear of being rejected anymore. And amazingly, since starting this process my relationships with people have grown much stronger. And my relationship with myself is amazing. I smile constantly, I smile because me on the inside is so happy. I made positive life changes and plan on keeping them around for the long haul.

Yes, I have changed. And no its not because of anyone but myself. And I am not desperate to find love and am rather insulted that anyone would think that about me. I know quite a few people that fall into that desperate category and that I am not. I attached myself to Jacob, this is true. But it wouldnt have happened had I not had a bond to him from years past. It wasnt a mistake, I certainly dont regret it nor do I regret keeping a certain someone else for the past few years. It is what it is and its shaped me into what I am today.

So yeah. I am still doing that little dance through the metal detector at work. I still have a goal to put a smile of people faces on a daily basis. I am still a great mom. I still have great friends (which after the past couple days I realize just how wonderful they truly are, I am blessed). I am not going through life grasping at straws of love. I am following what has been in me for years and I am actually calm, for the first time in a long time.

So yeah, 3 years ago today I started on this amazing journey of life. I would like to thank Jason for the ticket and the boot in the ass to make it on the train. lol

Live in the moment

2010 wrapped up in a way that I never would have imagined, I came full circle in a cloud of emotions that were tucked into a tiny part of my being that I was to scared to release.
A connection with a person from my past.
A desperate attempt to be someone who I once was.
And ultimately a loss of that person again. But this time I wont hold on to that person for 11 years.
I will move forward, I will live in the moment.
If even for a few weeks I had a return at some level of who I once was and who I wanted to spend time with.
It was a reminder to myself of the type of person I want and the type of person I don’t want.
And it’s okay that he is gone because he was here for just the amount of time he was supposed to be here.
I came full circle, got what my heart craved so many years ago and was then released.
I am okay with that.

I have a terribly bad habit of going back, of thinking of times past when life was so much easier. When taking whatever illegal drug available was no big deal. When dancing in the rain was one of the best things in the world. When having people walk in and out of my life was something to be expected. When living with 15 people in a one room apartment was fun.

And all those things formed who I am today but they aren’t who I am today.
And who I am today might not be who I am tomorrow.
I am ever evolving.
I am learning day to day.
I am doing a little dance through the metal detector at work.
And looking into peoples eyes, for longer than a glance.
I am reaching out to new people and bringing those close to me closer.

My weight doesn’t matter.
My stupid acne at 30 doesn’t matter.
My clothes don’t matter.
My hair doesn’t matter.
My past doesn’t matter.
Only now matters.
Nothing I do or don’t do can keep people in or out of my life.
Everything, absolutely everything, happens for a reason.
People come and go at the times they are supposed to come and go. I might not understand why at that moment but I will eventually.

And to this I bid adieu to my past life for it was my past and it will always be so.

Here is to a fantastic road ahead.

Ahh, drama

It always helps me to just type this all out and since yall said you liked following I will put it here instead of a private blog.

Jacob dropped out of my life yet again, which I assumed would happen. I am pretty tore up about it because I dont know what I could have done different, I think we are just meant to *not* be.
I hadnt seen him since he left Saturday. I called Sun, Mon, Tues (and texted) and got no answer. Screw it, whatever, he is avoiding me so just move on.
Then last night I was at a friends (the house we were at Friday night) watching old videos from crazy times. After the last video ended Tim stood up and was walking around all weird like. He started unplugging the vcr and I noted that I had told Jason I was staying until 11.
Then he just sat down all confused like. He said Terrah is on her way over (Terrah is Jacobs ex). Well great.
He noted that she saw my fb pics, sent one to him and one to Kevin (and I am assuming Jacob) ripping into him.
He noted she was bringing someone and that it was probably her cousin.
I said no, its probably Jacob. He laughed it off and texted her to see who was coming. Sure enough, it was indeed Jacob. Her reply to him was “dont judge, Jacob”.
So then Tims phone rings and da-ta-da-taaa its Jacob. I tell Tim to give it to me and I answer totally knocking him off guard. We talk for a bit, he notes the drama and I say it wasnt me. He said he knows, thats it all him, that we slept together and that he has never had a “fuck buddy” and that its screwed him all up. He tells me he just wants his Juli back and I say I just want my Jacob back.
Poor Tim is on edge thinking he just royally screwed up, I gave the phone to him and he went back to talk to Jacob. Came back and said what all Jacob had just said.
Then about 10 minutes later Jacob calls back to talk to Tim making sure I am okay.
And I was.
Until right before I left.
And lost it totally on the drive home.
And today I have cried all.day.long.
And ate all.day.long.
I texted and asked him to call and he wont. I just need to talk face to face with him.

I am overwhelmed with sadness and I dont really know why. We were such good friends but he left me years ago when we started to fall for each other and he seems to have left me again once he started to fall. Its something about me, he wont allow himself to fall for me. And really, we could never be more then friends. He is still a kid and he has no desire to grow up. I am a kid at heart but I can still be a responsible adult.

I just wanted my friend back and he moved it to a level where I freaked out about it but he really freaked out. I dont know if we can be “just friends” again, I know I can but I dont think he is emotionally mature enough for it…blarg.

I started reading http://www.amazon.com/Love-Will-Find-You-ebook/dp/B002S6UNMY/ref=pd_ybh_5?pf_rd_p=280800601&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_t=1501&pf_rd_i=ybh&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=02JGTRBNXHX40NG628M8
tonight on my Mac/kindle.

http://www.amazon.com/Keeping-Love-You- … X40NG628M8
Is set to be ordered when my stupid new debit card comes in the mail (I thought I lost it)

Its pretty obvious that I am attracting the same type of person over and over again and I would say its come full circle since Jacob was the first to have ran away. Hopefully these books will help. I need to learn to love myself again. No one but me can make me a better person. I need to be okay with being the single girl.

And to make things even more weirdly complicated I have had this crush on this person for months now but I refused to admit it. I am admitting it now…and its a girl. Very weird for me. Every time I see her at work (she is an officer at the front gate, so she pats me down) I get this weird school girl crush feeling. Just this week we started really talking, we can stand there and just smile and talk to each other. I have NO idea where that is going but I can tell no one here because we have mutual friends and I dont want to make it weird for either of us or weird at work. But she has really pretty eyes, see… http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000049713622

I need a name for my soap opera of a life…and a forum.

Once upon a time (12 years ago), in a land (circuit city) far far away…

New to some, repost for others…really long
I had this best friend. He was my everything, we were constantly together, we finished each others sentences. He would play and sing me songs. We went to the mall once and bought corny best friend necklaces (and wore them constantly). We had matching striped toe socks that we would sport around in at our place of work. We were going to get matching tattoos (a plug and an outlet). One day we took the chain off the stapler and made two bracelets, one for each of us. We were going to name our kids (not *our* kids but when we had kids when we were older not *our* as in he was the dad and I was the mom) with the middle name Rivers. He would write me little notes and leave them around for me. We were going to move to Austin together, had the place and everything and then one day he left me a note that said he wasnt my boyfriend (which I never thought he was) and that he had a girlfriend now, after that point we no longer hung out.

So he moved to Austin, with her, and got deep deep into drugs. I moved on, always thinking of him but always assumed I would never see him again. When I was in the hospital having Ian, 5 years after I last saw him, I had Jason take my chain bracelet off. I figured that was it. I wore that bracelet since the day he put it on me, taking it off was sorta symbolic. I kept the bracelet, the best friend necklace and all the little notes tucked away in a box. Jason never knew of him and never knew of the box.

Then a couple years ago for my birthday a friend told me that he was back in town and that he worked for him he told me he would text me next time he worked. So a couple days later Tim texts me and lets me know he is at work. I couldnt believe it, I was going to see my long lost friend. When I got there he wouldnt look at me, we talked but it was as if I hadnt ever existed. His teeth were all rotted out, he looked like he had been through way more then I could comprehend. He got my number but he never called. Back in March, when I bought my house and was moving I came across the old box with my best friend necklace and all the little notes. I opened each note one last time, read them all and then threw them away.

So Halloween rolls around and I am at Tims house (the one that had previously employed my friend) and he tells me that he now works at his boyfriends store and that we had just missed him and his girlfriend. Well in my head I just dodged a bullet because I didnt want to see him again. In my head I had finally processed the loss of my friend, it took 10 years but he was forever gone to me.

So that brings us to last weekend. Me and Ginta had to go to his store and I was just hoping to miss him. We walk in and there he is, I quickly walk off before eye contact is made and go looking for what I came there for. A few minutes later there he was, at the end of the aisle. Think John Cusack, lifting the stereo over his head just instead its him and no stereo is involved. lol. He says my name and I turn and say his, he tells me to come to him and he gives me this huge hug. I am practically crying in the middle of the store. He kept on hugging me, we exchanged numbers and I told him he better call this time.

That night he called me and apologized over and over again for leaving me. He let me know that he thought of me all these years. He also let me know he was single.

^ Was from a couple weeks ago, 2 weeks later we seemed to have picked up where we left off all those years ago. He even sang to me the other night, embarrassed the crap out of me though.

So does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I think it does if you had a strong connection to the person before the absence occurred. Jason told me that until a picture was posted that it was as if I had made Jacob up. I don’t know why I didn’t speak of him to Jason, I don’t know why I kept that little box hidden.

I am at such a different place in my life then Jacob is. He seems to still be Jacob, still at 17 years old. We have talked about his past, those years of total disconnect, and it makes my jaw drop. Where as me, well I did my crazy thing, got married and had kids. I have a great job, I own a house and for the most part I am pretty responsible. 😉

I have no idea what will come of any of this. I do know that I don’t want to loose him again. He tells me constantly that it was the drugs back then that made him leave, that it wasn’t himself. I have a feeling that this whole “Juli attached to someone” is rather weird for my friends because it seems as though I have gotten attached way to fast, when in reality I never unattached myself. Besides, it’s a good thing that he moved and I didn’t follow because Juli would have been methed out as well.

This whole thing is a huge practice in patience though. I have this stupid fear of being left and I have tried time after time to figure out where it started. I just have to trust the process because I truly do believe that “Everything happens for a reason”.

Its amazing what typing it all out can do for a person…

I am fine, perfectly fine. So Why in the World do I keep emotionally crashing every few weeks?

I am fine one minute then sobbing the next but over the same stupid thing, every.single.time.

So how does one stop loving someone? How do you turn it off? HOW? It seems my life would be so much easier if I could put the past where it belongs and stop looking back. Or looking so far forward that I seem to miss the *now*.

It is no big secret that I am still completely emotionally attached to Jason. And I hate that I am. I hate that he is still my go to person. He is still my shoulder to cry on and in a sense, my rock. But at the same time its those very things that bring me to sobbing in bed, trying to gather myself, running fool only to eventually crash and hopefully start the everyday life motions again the next moring. And it stupid. Its stupid the situation that I have put myself into.

I need to stop going over the “what ifs” in my head. Maybe he isnt the person that completes me, maybe someone else will eventually come along. Why should I even care?

I dont think bad of myself. I think I am cute, I think I am cuter 50 lbs lighter, but still cute. I think I am loving. I think I have a good personality and a good heart. I think I am a good friend. I think I am pretty good person actually. Selfish at times, yes, but I still always try to help people when they need it. I think I didnt take the pity me path and have done pretty good since my world came crashing almost 3 years ago. I think I will be fine, I really do.

But I still cry. I am wondering if I need to find a therapist again. Someone to talk me through this stupid divorce. The question of how long I have been divorced still brings tears to my eyes? Why? Shouldnt I be happy about it? Where my life is now is nothing like 3 years ago. I have my friends back, heck I even have some new ones, I have a wonderful job, I have a new home, my children are happy, I am healthy, I have my faith back…I have myself back.

Isnt that what people strive for, happiness? And all that equates happiness. So I am happy and fine. Sigh. Also talking in circles apparently and liking the word *and* tonight. lol

Oh I crack myself up sometimes.

This is all a bunch of gibberish and I certainly feel better now that I have typed it all out and gave myself a reality check.

A few good things happened today, great things actually. I think I will focus on those for the next few days.

October is right around the corner

For the past 3 years my Octobers have been horrible (well more then 3 actually). So I decided last night that *this* October will be a great one, I will see to it. If I go into the month down then it will indeed be a down month. So to just lay it all out, to get what goes through my head out I will type it and be done with it. For October will no longer be a month of dread.

Jason broke up with me (2002).

We got back together after 2 weeks, max (2oo2).

I joined the Church in October (2oo2).

We moved to Lubbock (2oo3).

I got pregnant with Ian (2oo3).

Jason started acting really odd (2oo7).

Told me he no longer loved me and was in love with someone else (2oo7).

Did I mention I was 37 weeks pregnant?

He moved out (2oo7).

I freaked out (2oo7).

We decided to try to make the marriage work (2oo7).

I left Boone (2oo8).

Jason and I started repairing everything that went wrong (2oo8).

Confusion of being in love still set in, big.time (I will leave it at that).

Ian had his tonsils out, which I stayed with Jason and his parents while Ian healed. It was almost like being married again, spending that much time with him on that constant of a basis threw me into some “what if” depression (2oo9).


So needless to say my Octobers have been eventful. But now that Im reading it its not so bad. lol. I am over the affair crap from the most part so yeah, October should be fine from this point on.

That and I already have a couple of big plans which I am oh so excited about.

Focus focus focus

I occasionally have a “woe is me” moment when it comes to my life but I quickly snap out of it. I dont *like* being single but I dont *dislike* it either. I think I would be fine had I not had a marriage with a husband that was really close to me. Thats what I miss, companionship, someone to talk about the storm rolling in, a kiss, a hug, a touch. But not having those things is what makes me miss being married.

The single part isnt changing anytime soon but its also no where near my focus. But when I step back and think about the overwhelming role that my future husband would need to fill, well, its overwhelming. He has to love me, and the kids, and my family. Well okay, but my family is huge and *family* includes Jason and my in-laws. Is that an impossible role to fill? Nope, I dont think so but its going to take one special person to fill it. Besides, I read it on a piece of paper, made just for me, 8 years ago January.

So how exactly do I “snap out of it” so quickly? By standing back even further and looking at the bigger picture. In this last 2.5 years I have learned to love myself. I have learned that my attitude affects everything, including the kids, and how I am treated by everyone. I have learned that the grass can be green on either side of the fence but that it has to be watered, I cant just stand there idly and watch it brown all while wishing it was green. Besides, if I hopped the fence and I again just stood there it would eventually die too.

This whole thing is a process, I have many downs but I have way more ups. I can do this and I know I can because I already am doing it.

So this, *this* is why I love my life. Because I know everything will work out. I look forward to every day and what it brings. I am blessed to have what I have and who I have in my life. They all play special roles, roles that I am eternally grateful for but I am also bad about vocalizing. No ones going to want a depressed, woe is me, Juli. Well someone might but they will be a depressed, woe is me, person and thats just about the last thing I need.

I am working on redirecting bad habits and I fail sometimes, boy do I fail. But I fail when I loose focus, when the “big picture” slips by. Anywho, as I have said time and time again, I am happy about where my life is and I am happy about where its going. I am redirecting my focus that was all but lost for a number of years. Its all part of a bigger plan after all and if I knew the outcome it just wouldn’t be as much fun.

Finally, some answers

Ian is always sick, always. Last time he was off his singular for allergy testing he ended up in the hospital for 4 days. The testing was pushed back until today.

April 1st he was officially diagnosed with asthma, bad asthma. When I told the doctor my reservations for steroids she told me he shouldnt be mean, etc. Ian went on the steroids and it was HELL. Like sign away being a mom hell. He was happy, then under the table crying. Throwing fits left and right. The worst 2 weeks I have had in a while. The only thing that would pacify him was video games. His teacher commented on his poor behavior, his speech therapist went through an hour of him screaming at her (never done that before). At any rate my child was NOT my child. But he needed the steroid…

So today he had his allergist appointment. I tell the nurse that he is bonkers add, jumping off the walls, mean and is constantly chewing on things (hence the wet stretched out collar on his shirt). I said its the steroids, she pish poshed me and told me he couldnt be having those reactions to the drug.

Then we were taken to respiratory to test that. The lady was the one that helped us when we got ushered to the ER. She was wonderful and nice and when I told her of his behavior she said some kids react that way and to make sure and tell the doctor.

So we go back, he gets 100 needles in his back (and did fabulously I might add) and wait around for the doc. She comes in and is wonderful. Explained to me, finally, why my child was always so sick. Can I just say how happy I am to finally have an explanation of what the heck is going on.

And she admitted that reactions happen and that we need to find something that doesnt screw with his behavior. She is the first doctor to ever take me seriously when I say I have a nice, calm non-chewing child. lol But he is allergic to everything around here, and bad too. 4+ is the worst it can be and he had a few 3’s, mostly 4’s and scattered 4+.

She was awesome at explaining everything (she worked in Nicu for years). And like I assumed it all stems from him being born so early. His lungs are scared, the oxygen that kept him alive in his first month and change of life in turn scared his lungs. And because they are scared he gets sick constantly. Its a cycle. I wish I would have done something about it a long time ago. 🙁 So allergy shots for at least the next 3 years. And a whole new concoction of meds for his asthma and hopefully his demeanor changes back to normal.

Oh and she stated that he might be having bad reactions because of food allergies so we are going in next month for that.

Hospital update

NOT happy fun times at BSA. These people dont want to piss me off. The morning nurse doesnt normally work on this floor and has no idea what she is doing. Ians not getting treatments as often as he should. He just coughed and threw up everywhere. I cant move him to the bathroom because he has crap all hooked to him. I cant take off his vomit covered shirt because of the iv. The nurse turned off my first call and pretty much ignored the second. I finally stood in the hall until someone saw me. All this time we have been told he isnt contagious and they have no idea whats wrong so they are just treating bad asthma. NOW supposedly he has RSV, ok, that doesnt surprise me but fucking tell me if he is now all of a sudden contagious. Seriously. But she doesnt know for sure, she is double checking. *rolls eyes* Oh and I have vomit covered clothes wadded up in the corner, she doesnt know if they have a bag for them. And Ians starving but we still have no lunch…Juli wont punch someone in the face, Juli wont punch somone in the face, Juli wont punch someone in the face…

Well people, the day is almost here and I feel like I could cry

No wait, I might just cry actually. A smidge over 2 years ago my life was in turmoil. My hopes, dreams, desires, love, friendships, home, family, *everything* turned upside down by the one thing I feared most. *I* was a single mother. At that time I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.


5 years of anti social behavior. 5 years of depression that I kept pretty well hidden. 5 years of not wanting to get out of bed, having no friends in the city I lived in, never wanting to get dressed, much less put on make up. I was everything I never wanted to be but I had a veil up and to most I was the happiest I had ever been. But those that fit in the “most” category only saw me a couple times a month at the most.

Its amazing how one can convince oneself that everything is going just fine. It took me being left to realize what all I was missing in life. 2 years later I can say that the *me* now is the *me* I wanted so badly for those 5 years.


Friday I close on my house. My very own house (well my house is my house now too). And its hitting me that I am going to leave this house that I currently live. So much has happened in this house. For one it was my grandparents house. Oh what I would do to just have fond memories on grandma and grandpas. I have a few, like grandpas selson blue shampoo, and the trunks of barbies to play with, being pushed down the hallway in the laundry basket, sitting around the table playing rumicube but having lived in this house for 5 years those old “good” memories turn into faint memories.

When I first started this whole moving out thing it was hard for me to explain to my parents. I do live 30 feet from them which is convenient. I went from being approved for an apartment, to qualifying for 2 different mortgages with different banks, for finding an awesome house which just happened to have been foreclosed on. The whole thing happened so fast. But explaining to people why I wanted to move proved to bring up long pushed to the side feelings.

The fact is is that its hard to live here. This is where Jason and I spent most of the years of our marriage, its where it pretty much started and it where it all came to a screeching halt. I can glance at a certain spot in the living room and relive the conversation that led to Jason leaving me (the first time). I relive that conversation on a constant basis and it still hurts. No one ever wants to hear that their partner no longer loves them. They especially dont want to hear it when they are 37 weeks pregnant.

Oh I could go on but why bother, everyone knows the story and if you dont its in these blogs, happy reading.

But at the same time Hope was born here. I hate to leave the home she was born in. Its also the only home she has ever known, pretty much either kid. So many memories involving them are surrounding this house. And they are just that, memories, and they can come with us to our new house where more will be created.

But oh how it makes me bawl. I am going to be a mess of emotions when stuff is being packed and moved out. It will finally be put to rest. I will no longer lay in bed, look down the hall, and think it never really happened. I wont wake in the morning to the same old house, no longer missing certain points in the floor because they squeak. I wont have a breakdown just because my bed is moved to a spot where it was previously and that in turn brings up crazy emotions. Its kind of like a fresh start. 🙂

So for those that are reading, just like all my blogs, these are for you. I write them and reread them over and over seeing the growth in me. Its proof that things work out people. Had Jason not left me I would still be miserable. Now I am the happiest I ever recall being.

Closing is Friday at 8:30 and it should go fairly quickly. Its being paid in full with cash so I dont have to mess with mortgage paperwork. I plan on sitting in my new home for a bit, empty, maybe playing a card game with friends and just being…happy.

9 months and counting

Its been a rather long time since I have posted a blog. I wish during all the time that I didn’t have internet that I would have went ahead and just made a word document of random thoughts.

Quickly catching people up here. I changed my degree to Business. I am in the process of looking for/buying *my* first home. New/old friends/acquaintances are reappearing. I am turning 30 this year and its freaking me out. Yes people, I occasionally go to church…yes, that one. Lol Still feeling anti people (mostly new girls) and would rather just be around my close friends. This year, I will lose this 60 pounds I gained since getting pregnant with Ian. Girls weekend trip is coming up and I am stoked. And now on to my normal ranting long winded blog.

Its been a crazy past few months and those that know me – know me, know that October, November and December are my hardest months. Heck throw in February as well.

And this February will mark the 2 year mark that Jason left me (and I left HIM on the side of the road). In a way I cant believe its been 2 years, its flown by but dragged on simultaneously. At any rate I think I will be okay this Valentines day, I really do.

I just finished Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I have watched it before (but I was “happily” married) and borrowed it from Ang right after I moved back to Amarillo. It sat up on my entertainment center for almost 2 years before she snagged it back. I just didn’t think I could watch it and it not really screw with me, that is until now.

Watching that movie makes me miss being in love but it also makes me fearful of it happening again. I don’t want to loose track of my goals, I don’t want to babysit an adult why they drink their life away, I don’t want to give it all I have only to be left in the long run anyways. I don’t want to love, have love slip away and then be told it was never really love. Gosh I still have a LOT of pain and frustration when it comes to that flipping word.

Last weekend I was speaking to an acquaintance about this whole love thing. He mentioned (he is just now coming out of a divorce) that he never wants to get hurt again. I just shook my head at him. I know its still very fresh for him (as well as me) but to tell yourself that you never want to be hurt again is to say you will never take a risk.

When I look back on my relationships I was hurt, and hurt again and hurt even more so after that. I think Boone and I’s relationship was more “hurt” then Jason and I’s. But I think the main reason for that was because I jumped from divorced to in a relationship within a month. And that right there is my problem.

Up until this last few months I never gave myself time to sit back and feel the “hurt”. I jumped from relationship to relationship never giving it more then 30 days in between. I didn’t want to feel unloved, I didn’t want to feel hurt. I felt it but I had someone to lean on of the opposite sex and I leaned SO much that I never processed it fully.

Lets see, so its been a little over 9 months since Boone and I broke up. Yay for me. I plan on keeping that single status for a while longer. It’s a lot easier to sort stuff out in your head when you don’t have new stuff coming in.

Ian and his T&A

So today we finally had Ians appointment with a ear, nose and throat dr. And in a matter of minutes we learned that Ian really was having a hard time hearing and that his tonsils really are huge. So his appointment is on the 27, 13 short days. I am nervous but its for the best. I did have to giggle though when reading the papers about it. T&A all over it……..giggle.

Not much has changed around here. I am staying busy which is probably a damn good thing. October is a hard month for me. Its the month that, 2 years ago, I realized something wasnt right. Funny thing, the 27th will mark the 2 year anniversary of Jason leaving me (the first time), 37 week pregnant. My life was so different then, I was such a different person. Well I suppose I was always myself but I certainly lost the part that made me ME.

And in a matter of a week and change I will have been single for 6 months. 6 months people, thats a huge milestone for me. Its something that I go back and forth on actually. My relationship after my divorce was all over the place and therefore I was all over the place. But since that ended I have been a-okay. Its funny how someone elses stresses can bring you so far down. Its been freeing to say the least. But I still miss Boone, in a friendship sorta way but it seems friendship just wont ever be.

So most of the time I am okay with just me and the kids but occasionally I am just plain lonely. I suppose I am at that lonely stage right now. :/

Which brings me to a funny. Poor Jason, I drug him through so much crap. Seriously people dont know the half of it. He babbied me in every way possible and one of those ways would be rubbing my back at night to go to sleep. I am sure he is more then happy to no longer have to deal with that…well now I do. lol. Ian wont go to sleep until I rub his back. I know when I tell Jason this he will chuckle.

And with that I am out for the night.

Facebook wins….in most cases

Its a rarity that I log onto myspace anymore but at times I do. Why for you ask? To snoop.

For years I have wondered about a certain someone. Back when I was oh….17….I had this boyfriend that I just “loved”. But my selfishness led me to break up with him for no other reason then me being 17 and wanting a new boy friend way to often. He ended up hating me for it but we still had a pull with each other though it was probably because of common friends. At any rate there came I time when I no longer saw him or heard about him and if I did hear something it was never good.

Well I snooped and found him on myspace. Oh.my.gus thank the gods that we split and nothing ever came of it. lol. He went from a baby face to just ewww yucky. And yes this is immature of me but one of my biggest turn offs is the whole Southern, mud wrestling in the form of ugly trucks, beer belly, imma cach mea fish mentality.


So I feel better. Like once again, someone I broke up with long ago, is happy but doing there own damn thing.

Tonight is dinner with the girls, at my house. Making tacos. Its Jasons weekend. I have much needed catch up time with Ang, I miss her so.

< insert something witty here/>

Ian had a fantastic week at school. He was a bit of a turd for me in the mornings and at night though. He just didnt want to go to sleep, which is a chain reaction. If he doesnt get enough sleep then the next day is hard. How do you walk away from a kid when all he wants is you. Momma I love you. Momma I just want to spend all day with you, etc. Its hearwarming and sweet and a good reminder that I am doing at least something right.

Hoping soccer game goes smoothly tomorrow. Last Sunday he was just so exhausted. But he says me cheering him on helps. 😀

My week was meh, juggling school, work and kids is rather challenging. Just when I get my head above the water more comes flooding in. Ians new favorite book (aside from Chicka Chicka Boom Boom) is Where the Wild things are. He loves it. We read and talk every night before bed and he colors a picture for me.

I got a ps3 the other day. You know how when you get new things its fun, you plug it all in, read all about it, go through all the menus…its fun, right? Not so much for me. Of course random things happen that remind me that I am indeed divorced and yes the ps3 did that to me. A month or so before Jason and I split I bought a ps3. Plugged it all in, read all about it, registered all the things and set it all up. It was fun then, not so fun the second time around. lol

I am enjoying this little big planet game, its frustrating the little toe nail out of me though. ha

Tomorrow me dad and Ian are heading to the fair. I would say thats an awesome reward for being so awesome at school. 😀

Hope, Ian and Exit the cat

Hope, Ian and Exit the cat

Hope likes to wear my shoes (pay no attention to the launder piled that need to be folded)

Hope likes to wear my shoes (pay no attention to the laundry piled that need to be folded)

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