October is right around the corner


For the past 3 years my Octobers have been horrible (well more then 3 actually). So I decided last night that *this* October will be a great one, I will see to it. If I go into the month down then it will indeed be a down month. So to just lay it all out, to get what goes through my head out I will type it and be done with it. For October will no longer be a month of dread.

Jason broke up with me (2002).

We got back together after 2 weeks, max (2oo2).

I joined the Church in October (2oo2).

We moved to Lubbock (2oo3).

I got pregnant with Ian (2oo3).

Jason started acting really odd (2oo7).

Told me he no longer loved me and was in love with someone else (2oo7).

Did I mention I was 37 weeks pregnant?

He moved out (2oo7).

I freaked out (2oo7).

We decided to try to make the marriage work (2oo7).

I left Boone (2oo8).

Jason and I started repairing everything that went wrong (2oo8).

Confusion of being in love still set in, big.time (I will leave it at that).

Ian had his tonsils out, which I stayed with Jason and his parents while Ian healed. It was almost like being married again, spending that much time with him on that constant of a basis threw me into some “what if” depression (2oo9).

———

So needless to say my Octobers have been eventful. But now that Im reading it its not so bad. lol. I am over the affair crap from the most part so yeah, October should be fine from this point on.

That and I already have a couple of big plans which I am oh so excited about.




Dirty Laundry


I am offically single, well in a sense that thats the box I can check from now on. No desire to check the divorced one. I got my paperwork, final decree in the mail today. Now begins the tedious work of changing mine and the kids names, what fun.And for your reading pleasure I am posting just about everything that has happend since October. Why? Because it steps ME through the pain again and lets ME see how much I have grown since then. Reading what I wrote then, how weak I was is upsetting. It brings back every emotion I had back but also makes me stronger.

Unless you are on ctt with me you have never read these, they are just cuts and pastes from the board. The dear Juli letter is finally scanned in, all of this is printed off and being locked away only to be see again in 15/20 years.

So here you have it…

Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:26 am

37 weeks pg and dh tells me he doesnt want me anymore

i dont know what to do

excuse the typos and the lack of capsi am at my parents house, they came and got ian and i last night. i didnt trust myself to drive 2 hours.

i swear to yall, i thought i had the perfect marriage, the perfect husband, the perfect father to my child/ren. it all came crashing down yesterday. he hasnt cheated per se but he is emotionally attached to another girl. he is trying to figure out if he wants to work the marriage out or if he just wants to leave. he is so blank, he doesnt love me anymore.

i dont know what to do. my parents had no knowledge of this homebirth. it was to be just me and him, he is my rock. my midwife is 2 hours away from where we live and 4 hours from my parents. i cant go back home and have this baby by myself. as dumb and selfish as it sounds i just want to find a doc here, scheduel a c section and just get it over with. no one supports my decision to homebirth and at the moment i dont have a home.

i dont know what to do with ian. jason put him to sleep every night for the past 2 years, i dont know how to even begin to explain to him that daddy isnt going to rock him to sleep every night. i have no idea how i am supposed to put ian to sleep as well as an infant. i am so dumb, i cant believe i am in this situation. dumb dumb dumb

do i stay? i want my husband back but he is just so blank to me. he says he has been miserable for 2 years. i thought the past 2 years were the best of our marriage. i dont get it, how could i be so blind.

i cant eat, i took a bite of my granola bar and almost threw it up. ians already thrown up this morning. he knows somethings up.

is this all a dream, its a dream right? the only thing missing in our lives was that the fence wasnt white.

my parents only have dial up and i keep expecting him to call and say come home, lets talk.

i want to save this marriage but is it even savable now?

i was extremely swollen, like i was with ian swollen but it has gone down. i dont want to resent this baby but i feel like if i wasnt pg this wouldnt have happened. i dont want ppd again…..or maybe i still have it.

jami, lory….someone close close to me….anybody. i hate the phone with a passion but its just me and ian in my parents house. please call me. if it keeps ringing that means i am online so just call back.

_________________
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:27
Its been a long, draining, emotional week

I feel like I need to get this out so I am typing it all up here. No one knows any of this but I need to get it out and I dont want to talk to my irl friends/family about it.So things are good with Jason and I but I have a major hang up, major. When he eventually told me that Sunday that he was in love with another women I asked him if he had done anything. He said he had hugged and held her hand but that was it.

I told myself that I could get over that and I can/did.

That sunday I told him he needed to call his dad, set himself straight and to give himself some time to think it all out. I thought he would and I thought he would do it alone.

Well no, he called her on Monday and she came over. They talked and they kissed. How in the hell is he supposed to be focusing on us if he is calling her to come over to MY house!

Tuesday is when Mom, Ian and I came down to talk. Thats when we talked it over and decided to keep on with the marriage and to continue working to stay together. He didnt mention that she came over on Monday and he certainly didnt mention the kiss. Not until Wednesday when I asked to make sure he did nothing more then hug and hold her hand.

I cannot get past this. A kiss to him is as important as it gets so that fact that he shared that with another woman, ESPECIALLY when he was supposed to be focusing on US pisses me off to no end. Then to keep it from me on tuesday when we were supposed to be talking it out just seems wrong.

I am fine one minute and then I start thinking about it and I just loose it. Burst into tears, start swelling, feeling lied too, emotional, ugly, worthless, everything I SHOULDNT be feeling, especially being so pregnant.

I sit in the living room and see it happening. All the good in this house has been sucked out. This was my grandparents house, its where I spent a large part of my life time. I dont want to think about my husband dropping me and bringing someone that has no business being here here. I no longer have the fond memories of sitting in the tub with my cousin with mr. bubble bubbles and grandpas selson blue shampoo to turn our hair blue. I no longer see me sitting in the living room playing with my 1970s barbies and blow up furniture. I dont see the happy holidays that were spent here for 24 years. I just keep replaying that Sunday and Monday, I cant seem to get past it and its killing me inside.

Jason and I talk about it every time I get to feeling this way. I was doing real good and then last Sunday it hit me hard. I couldnt close my eyes without seeing/hearing me desperately pleading him not to leave me. Since this past monday I think I have gotten a handle on replaying what happened on Sunday but I am still stuck on this kiss thing. I feel dirty, disgusting and used when he kisses me. Not all the time, not even close but sometimes it just hits me and I loose it.

I dont like feeling this way. It takes a lot to piss me off and when I do get to that point it takes a lot to get me to sit in the same room with you. I know I have anger towards Jason and I hate that I do. The love far outweighs the anger but its still there. My absolute hate and rage goes towards that girl. What kind of person would come over to my house to essentially take my husband away? He says she kissed him, that she wanted to let him know that he was “loved”. Pathetic excuse, there are no words.

He asked if he had told me on tuesday about that kiss would I still want to stick around and try to make it work. I said yes but its that he didnt tell me on tuesday when he really should have. I was lied to for 2 years. I would love to conveniently think that he “forgot” to tell me on tuesday but at this point I cant. I cant get over that feeling.

I am so scared that these feelings are going to come up when I eventually go into labor. I have no idea what will happen if they do. I dont know if I am having such a hard time moving past this because I am so incredibly, hormally pregnant or if I would react this way if I wasnt.

I feel blah one minute and then great the next. Its so confusing. And then to throw a baby into the mix of it all….

_________________

Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:35 pm

Its over, he has been sleeping with her and lying about it

I am a fool to have ever taken him back. He never talked to her and said they couldnt talk, he made that all up to please me. He has been sleeping with her since school started back up last month.** Wrote this 3 page letter of crap with no mention that he slept with her. I went to pick him up this morning so we could talk it out, thats when he told me. So I promptly detoured to the bank so he could empty the account. I made him take Ian with him so he didnt cop out. Called his dad and let him know that Jason had been cheating on me. I took his cell and the house keys. Started to drive home he said he needed to get clothes and toiletries. I told him he shared a vagina he can share some shampoo. Told him that he will have to stay in the clothes on his back for the next couple of days.I thought to myself, “I should drop his ass off in the middle of a cotton field BUT that would waist gas” so I just pulled over, in the middle of no where and told him that I will need an address to send the divorce papers and then told him to get the hell out. He asked for his cell back and I told him no and drove off.

Got home and threw everything I could into trash bags and stuffed it into the car. I also took the prized ps3 and wii. Grabbed his tooth brush and cleaned the toilet bowl with it and put it back.

Called the police and told them to watch the house for the next couple of days. Locked up the house and left. Went to check the mail and noticed he took the mail key. I went in and told the front office to watch the house and she is having the mail man deliver the mail to the office.

Drove to amarillo and the outskirts of the city are basically on fire. Just a block away a huge fire was brewing. Slight heart attack over that.

Asshole, complete and total asshole.

So ANYONE that wants to call feel free too. I cant call out because it costs my parents a lot of money. I will update the contact thread and put it here as well.

806-381-xxxx

I just dont know what I would do without you girls. Thank God we hadnt moved yet!

Any advice on how to break it to Ian or help with a divorce would be great.

I should note here that when he FIRST told me he slept with her while we were driving in the car he told me the first time was when school started. A few days later he was honest with me and told me it was actually the last day of school.

__________________

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:02 am

I called him yesterday
I am such a dumbass

I have been looking for books on divorce and all of them say to try to work it out, try to mediate you can move on with your marriage after an affair and it will be stronger. Bah, it puts that crap into my head, the we can work it out crap.So I called him, it was either him or Ginta and dumb butt me called him pleading to come back. Bang

Why do I keep doing this to myself, he isnt really what I want and never really was. I didnt get a proper engagement, our wedding day was so insignificant that I could never remember the date. I had to beg him to come to doctor appointments when I was pg with Ian plus he wouldnt stay in the hospital with me when I had Ian. Never in the 6 years did I get a card, I got a flower once because I begged him (our first vday). No birthday or Christmas presents, I bought all my own.

The past couple of days have been real hard, Ian wont let me out of his site and just calls mama over and over and over again. I get frustrated with him because I cant just get away and I know the last thing he needs is a frustrated mama that just wants to get away.

The house is coming today, thats a relief and a headache all at the same time. I get the luxury of sorting stuff. Jason wants NOTHING, nothing at all except what he came in with which is books and other random crap. So odd but I guess it makes it easy when it comes to the actual divorce.

I still cant believe this is me and my situation, it could definitely be worse but its still shocking and sinking in.

Anyone have any good bottle recommendations? I cant leave hope for more then 2 hours and their are times when I will need too. I am so scared that I am going to loose my breastfeeding relationship along with everything else but I have got to get out and have some me time. Its something I havent had in the past 5 years.

______________

Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:37 pm

I would rather be a bitch then a liar
Custody hearing was today, plus more fun stuff

Lets just say that everyone else is right, me, the one married to the idiot for 4.5 years still cant see that he is lying to me constantly. Sigh…..So the custody hearing was this morning at 8:30, three times now (in the letter he wrote me, in email and also a signed paper) he has said that he would help support us above and beyond basic custody for the next twelve months. Today we get to the court house and he tells my attorney that the max he can afford is 415 a month, he had agreed to 835. Since this was dealing with custody and not the divorce part she said she didnt know if the judge would let us get the extra 400. He also left out the fact that he tutors when he wants the cash and makes 25-30 bucks an hour at it. He has been telling me for the past month that he has no money yet every time he walks in the door he is in a new shirt and new pants. Fucker, I was already pissed because he went to abiline to meet homewreckers folks (they must be soooo proud) and didnt even bother to call and wish Ian a happy Easter.

So we go in front of the judge and he says thats all he can afford. My attorney grills him about the tutoring and he stumbles with that a bit and then asks if he is splitting rent with his girlfriend that he has been living with since we split (he wrote in his financial papers that he was paying all rent and utilities). He said yes but that he wanted his own place that way he could take Ian for visitation (we had previously agreed that he would wait for a year that way he could take both kids). Its obvious he only cares about Ian, if he does in fact get a house then he wont see Hope since she can only leave me for 2 hours.

In my financial documents I wrote out all my bills and added the midwife bill. Dumbass Jason notes that thats not my bill its his and he has said that he would take care of it, in court and under oath so thats taken care of. Love eyes

So lets just say the judge wasnt impressed with Jason in the least and at the end he said he was ordered to pay 415 a month….short pause….plus 400. :evilgrin

So thats taken care of until the divorce, at that time it could be reversed and he could have to pay the measly 415.

On to me I suppose. I finally got the internet today, its so nice having something faster then 28.8 kbps.

Its so sad, the man I thought I married and the dad that I thought my kids had is nothing more then a selfish pitiful excuse for a human. I was flabbergasted this morning when he said he would only pay 415. I really thought he would start being true to his word but its more obvious now more then ever. I feel so bad for my kids, I want them to have a relationship with Jason but its just not going to happen and me pushing Jason to be there isnt working either. He just does not care, at all.

He also told my attorney that he plans on always staying in school so 1’644 is what he will always make.

I might have been a total bitch to him in our relationship (though now that I have done some reflecting the times I called him stupid are the times that we would fight and he had just been caught in a lie) but at least I am not a liar. I am a painfully honest person, my memory is way to shot for me to try to keep up with the lies so I have always told it like it is and because of that I have some wonderful friends and great support. I dont see how he sleeps at night, I could never forgive myself if I had done what he has done.

I am so happy, I have my freak out moments but I am happy. For the first time in years I am actually in pictures instead of the one taking them and I am smiling to boot.

So thanks for reading, I am so behind on the board but I figured I would fill you all in. I feel like I shouldnt be so happy and feel so good but I am and its nice.
Who knew what divorce could do to a person.

______________

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

Thread posted “Juli”

It went as well as could be expected. He contested the extra 400 and tried to walk away with the whole stimulus check (that he has had for the past month and a half) and pinning the midwife bill on me (that he already agreed to pay in court). He also said he didnt want the kids names changed which he had previously agreed to and signed on. Everything he ever said he would do he went back on and I was fully expecting it.Firstly, It wasnt the divorce, it was a temporary hearing. His attourney (which looked like she hadnt washed her hair in a while, had a hot pink bra and wore flip flops, winner!) basically wasted our time because everything could have been mediated over the phone but she would never respond to my attourney. So we went down there to negotiate.

First he tried to settle with paying July, halfing the stimulus check with me and having me pay the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said he could give me July, August and September, all of the stimulus check and he had to pay the midwives.
He didnt agree.
He came back and agreed to July, August and giving me half the stimulus and halving the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said I would never sign the stimulus so neither of us would see that money and we would go infront of the judge at a later date and let him make the call.
Court date was set for October 3rd.
We left the building, were in the parking lot and got a call from my attorney. Came back.
He said he would give me spousal for August and September, all the stimulus and he would pay the midwives.
LOL
I agreed, have the stimulus check, signed the papers (which still have to be typed up to be official), depositing the check tomorrow. I should get the offical typed papers to sign Thursday. Friday (because I know he wont have talked to his attorney by then) when I see him I am going to tell him that I changed my mind. Just to fuck with him and see the look on his face. Of course everything will be final and I wont really take back my word but it will still be fun.

He didnt bother to change the custody which further makes me realize that he really doesnt want anything to do with Hope. Custody is set for 2 hours on 2 Saturdays a month, thats it. I of course give him more but you would think he would want it written that he can take her.

No geographical restrictions, we can move to New Zealand next month and he couldnt do a damn thing about it.

The kids will be wexxx grxxxx without the dash. He didnt want them having the dash so it will be a second middle name, idiot.

My dad, girlfriends and I laughed the whole times. Even took pictures. I am so glad its over with.

And yes I know I could have went in front of the judge in October to fight for that 400 and I know that some of yall dont see eye to eye with me over the money but I feel good with the agreement. Money really isnt an issue.

In the long run I walked out with 1600 in spousal support which in Texas is rare. 5,500 cash from the bank account, a paid for house and a paid for car. No bills except utilites, everything was paid off before we split. I could be in a much much worse position and I realize that and thank bob every day that I have a roof over my head and tons of help.

Btw, I should have a new laptop screen in a week.

______________

My Dear Juli letter, its what I woke up to on February 13th, 7am. I cant read it in its entierty, I have a couple of times but its been months. I am happily filing it away. Maybe I should just cleans myself from it and throw it away but for now I will hold on to it. I read it all as false now anyways, how anyone could ever do what he has done to one of “the best friends a person could ever have” is beyond me.

Only my best irl friends have seen this…(zoom the page to read the letter)


So here is to new beginings. I am looking forward to school and adjusting fairly well to being a single mom. Ian goes down to see Jason next weekend, I am not happy about him not seeing Hope for a month but he didnt seem to care. Nor am I happy about Nicole being in my childs life but thats something out of my control. They moved into a two bedroom last month, one room is theirs and the other is a study/Ians room. I am pretty positive that all along he has told his family that he is moving out on his own but yeah, thats certainly not the case now.

======================

The only other private blog to be unlocked is the one below…

The past 24 hours

So thats all of it, feel free to call, comment or message me. If you managed to get all this read then congrats, lets do lunch.

By the way, I no longer feel the pain that I felt months ago when I am in this house. I can safely sit in my recliner and sleep in my bed and not toss and turn reliving that day in October.

5 Comments

sarah

sarah groves
man, you’ve been through so much and i’m sorry it sucked. but i’m glad you’re happy now and that you have boone to help. i just wish that you were the one i’m still related to! it was weird reading the letter that jason wrote how he listed all the ways he would help out and then see him and realize he’s not doing anything like that….
Posted by sarah on August 16, 2008 – Saturday – 9:22 AM
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sarah

sarah groves
sorry about all the crap you went though. it’s weird reading the letter jason wrote and realize he didn’t really want to do all the things he listed to help. i just wish you were the one i was still related to. but i’m happy your happy and that you have boone to help out!
Posted by sarah on August 16, 2008 – Saturday – 9:24 AM
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Small update


This weekend was awesome, I got to go eat dinner with girlfriends, see desert devils and spend all day Sunday with the kids, Boone and Victoria. Ian and Victoria did awesome, some meltdown parts throughout the day but for the most part they did great. It was just a wonderful day spent with people that I love to pieces.

Hope is close to crawling, she manages to get one leg up under her and go forward but after thats she just rolls to where she needs to get. Really cute though although two kids running around the living room while she rolls about is rather scary. Her bottom two teeth are almost all the way in, so cute. This coming Saturday will be her first night away from me, she is spending Saturday night with Jason.

Ians doing a bit better behavior wise but this next weekend is Jasons weekend so I am sure we will have some reset time after that.

I am doing very good. I am being rewarded constantly in knowing that I can parent alone, its really not all that bad after all. I can now give everyone in the household a bath, at the same time. A feat that I thought would be impossible without someone to pass Hope off too. Another feat I thought impossible, even with Jason around was to have a third child. But I occasionally watch Victoria for Boone and the 4 of us do rather well. I am way out numbered arm wise but all 3 can fit on my lap just fine.

Its just awesome, everything is working out so much better then what I ever imagined it would. Bumps along the way, some days their are more bumps then others but we make it through it okay.

I dont think Jason will ever know just how much this divorce has done for me. Its pushed me into situations that I never imagined I would be pushed into and in every situation I have been pushed into I have come out a better person. Every day is a challenge but a welcome challenge.

Now all I need to do is loose all this weight I gained since having Ian.

I am a fatass,  I dont mind admitting it, I know I have got to loose this weight that I have gained in the past 4 years. So I got me a wii fit, nothing better then having a video game tell you that you are obese and then plumping your mii up to where it looks like you could be rolled out the door.

I weight 211 pounds, yep thats right. I am FAT! But, I am doing something about it thanks to the wii and numerous workout videos. Why am I tell you all this? So you can ride my ass about being so overweight.

I learned tonight that I have excellent posture (my mii age is 27, I will be 28 in 1 month), I cant do a push up for crap, running without a bra is a BAD idea and that yoga actually is a workout.

This should be fun. 🙂




The long weekend


So this weekend was loooooong, it usually is when Friday night is my night to go out. It started off decently well, Jasons dad came and picked up Ian, I went and picked up Boone at his moms house, drove to Hunters celebration of life and then we went to our all year high school reunion.

It was fun but we could have saved 20 bucks and hung out elsewhere with the same people. It was fun hanging out with Donna though. 😉

Saturday was a long, never ending day. Someone gave Boone a cough (could have been me or someone else) and he pretty much felt like crap the whole day. Hope was craptastic, she just would not nap even though she was so tired. She finally got some sleep when I dropped off Boone at the theater while Victoria and I went and got some food.

Sunday I woke up sad, you know those days when you just cry for no reason. I sat in Kirbys room and fed Hope for an hour before leaving his room and going into Boones to sulk some more.  He came in and hugged me which made me feel much better, on with the day I suppose. Drove back into town, dropped off Boone and Victoria. Hope and I drove to Angelas and we sat and talked a bit, drove and picked up Ian then we bought a few groceries.

Ians been a major turd ever since spending those 10 days with Jason. It seems that every answer to my question is a snotty “no” or he just plain talks back. A week and change ago he high tailed it on a tricycle to 6th street, he was maybe 20 feet from rolling onto the street before Boone caught up to him. That was a mess, him not listening to anyone is just not working so he has been in some deep shit since then.

He was doing better but yesterday after picking him up he started in with the no crap while at the grocery store. Grrr, its like I get him out of the habit then its Jasons week and he reverts right back into turd mode.

Anywho, we came home and he played outside until the sun was down. Hope was already asleep and I was just exhausted so when he came in I just got him in his jammies and had him sleep in my bed.

3:30 am I hear this disgusting sound of rushing water. I get up, flick on the light and sure enough he had thrown up all over the bed…all over. So I drag him out of bed, put him in front of the toilet and start ripping off sheets. I know, I know, the poor kid is covered in vomit and I am freaking out over my bed but dammit that stuff stank and I didnt want it seeping into my mattress. Did I mention that he knocked down the thing in the corner above the bed that held over 100 stuffed animals. So not only is massive amounts of puke on the pillows, covers and sheets its also all over multiple stuffed animals. Yucko. So I gather the nasty stuff, throw it in the laundry basket, sop up the vomit that went through the sheet and then go and clean him off. Get him all changed again, grab the baking soda, cover the nasty spots and then put a new sheet on. Vomit seeped through the duvet cover onto the feather down comforter so we couldnt sleep under that, the other duvet/comforter was in the other room so we slept with some throw blankets instead.

I dont know why puke always happens at 3am but I am proud of the way it was handled. Many times I have woken up to clean up vomit but I always had help, this time it was all me on the cleaning crew, it sucked but it wasnt all that bad.

Thank god the weekend is over. I normally look forward to them but this last one just seemed never ending and boy did it ever end with a bang.

Btw, Hope had her “first” solids earlier today, pics are in the June 08 album.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Juli, I know what you are going through with Ian’s mood changing after spending time with his father. My kids do exactly the same thing and when they come home we have two weeks to get them back to normal and into our routines, just in time to go back to doing whatever they like over there at their father’s house. It is frustrating and endless. Hopefully one way when the kids grow older they will figure it out and things will level off. Until then we can comiserate together.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on June 4, 2008 – Wednesday – 10:40 PM
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It worked


So tonight was the first night both kids slept in their room and it worked. 9 pm they were both dressed, Ian hopped into bed and I nursed Hope. She finished, I laid her down in her crib, sat back in the chair, Ian held my finger and they were both asleep in less then 17 minutes!

Lets hope this sticks, I have free time at night…woot.

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
yay!!!!

go you!!!!

congrats!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 19, 2008 – Monday – 9:40 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Sleeping alone can be bliss. Congratulations to you! I know you miss them but it helps everyone out in the long run. Here is to many more restful nights ahead! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on May 20, 2008 – Tuesday – 12:08 PM
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Private or public…which one will it be?


Current mood:  loved

I cannot believe how fast time goes now. When I was with Jason I would watch the clock and when he didnt get home by 4:30 (which towards the end that never happened) I would start to get very anxious. Now 4:30 flies by and I dont even notice, heck sometimes time flies so fast that I forget about dinner until the very last minute. But not only do the hours go by fast the days, heck weeks fly on by. Unfortunately waiting for this divorce feels like an eternity though.

Ians still doing really well with his behavior. Jason is keeping him from the 9-19 (with the exception of mothers day) and we have been prepping for that. I have never been away from him for that long of a time but I know he will be in good hands, I am still going to miss him big time though. In that time I am rearranging again, moving all the toys to the big bedroom along with the crib and Ians bed and putting my bed in the tiny front bedroom. Both kids are sleeping fantastically now and mom would like a room of her own now, somewhere that isnt cluttered with toys. Its something I need, I will miss having them right next to me at night but with it just being me now I need to be able to have some alone time and thats just not happening now. So yeah, thats the plan and hopefully it goes over well.

Hopes also doing fantastically, she is sleeping from 10 to 8 most nights. I moved her to her crib a couple of weeks ago because she was going for 2 hours at most at night without nursing and it was wearing me out big time. Oddly, I moved her to her crib and she has slept great since then. She is also rolling all around, soo cute.

So Saturday night was a little weird. Went to R&R with Ang and Sarah, Newman came after a bit and then Donald and Eric T showed up. Ang went to go shoot some pool with Donald so it was just me, Sarah, Newman and Eric at the table and it was just…odd. If you dont know why then dont even bother asking but if you do know why it would be odd then you should probably be proud of me for keeping my big mouth shut. God it was tempting though.

On to last night. I hate it when I cry that happy/sad cry but it does happen. Last night we went out to Boones; Nick and Debra showed up and played some pool. Ian contently watched us all (or went off to watch tv) and Hope played on the floor for a bit. But she needed to get some sleep, the day was full of back and forths and her naps were lacking. She was tired, oh so tired so I got her in jammies (its easier then messing with it when we get home late) and went and put her down, nursed her and she was out. Then I roll away and she wakes right back up, we did this a couple of times before I just walked out of the room. She was tired, over tired and I was quickly loosing my patience. So I go back into the living room and just sit there with Ian (Boone was outside telling Nick and Debra bye) just being blah and well pissy. Boone comes in, we have a quick conversation about her not going to sleep and I mention that she probably needs something to listen too (she sleeps with white noise, it helps muffle the loudness at home). He goes and grabs the radio and plugs it in and turns it to a radio station not just fuzz. She of course stops crying so I just kind of sat there for a few minutes, maybe 10, before I go in. So I walk in and he is dancing around the room with her, keeping her calm and happy. You see, Jason wouldnt have done it. He might have grabbed the radio and went and plugged it in but he would have been pissy about it, he most certainly wouldnt have picked her up and danced around with her. So it made me cry and its making me cry just thinking about it. It was such a sweet moment, one of the moments that will never happen with Jason.

So should I put this as public or private? Will it be used against me that I have a friend (that just so happens to be male) spend time with my kids. Will it be used against me that my kids enjoy spending time with him and that I enjoy spending time with him? I suppose I will find out in a couple of months when this divorce is finally over but for now I am not going to stop being happy and having happy kids and if Boones helps make us that way then he is staying in the picture. Ang makes us happy too but I bet she wont even come up.

sarah
i think it’s awesome that you have friends close to you that help with the kids and that you have fun with. it is “you and the kids” now so you should be the one making the final decisions. if my baby girl couldn’t sleep and there was someone who could help and was willing to i wouldn’t stop them. i didn’t know jason was going to be in town that long…
Posted by sarah on May 6, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:57 AM
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Kara
private 🙂
-Now isn’t the time to stir up a hornet’s nest! Your life is your life, but I wouldn’t share anything publicly that could come back to bite you in the ass later. JMO 🙂 Is there any thing good that could come from sharing it publicly?
Posted by Kara on May 6, 2008 – Tuesday – 1:34 PM
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Lo



Current mood:  blissful

All these years I thought I had it, I thought I had the perfect husband and father for my children. All I needed was for our fence to be painted white.

I didnt realize until after Jason told me he was in love with this other person (back in October) that our relationship really wasnt what I had always perceived it to be. I knew along the years that I was unhappy but I thought that kids and being together would somehow make it all better. He hated being around me and he really always had. The only time he seemed to enjoy me was for sex or if other people were around (and I think thats just because I didnt focus on him). I seemed to always be forcing love on him and I figured if he knew I loved him he wouldnt leave. I also didnt feel comfortable around him, he never really got my sarcastic humor and bluntness.

But Boone does. Its like we have known each other for many many years. Known as in always been there for each other not just known of each other. The timing of this is so abrupt but its there and its happened. I dont think anyone else sees it but we can spend hours talking about everything, from politics to religion and even disagree with each other but still very much enjoy the conversation. I dont fear he will leave me. I dont act like someone I am not, no need to dress a certain way or talk a certain way. I can make a joke and not feel bad for it.

I hope this is what Jason feels around Nicole but I am afraid its not. I really do want him to be happy because we were not happy with each other. I hope he has worked out in his head what all went wrong and not blammed it all on me. I am working it all out in mine and I know it wasnt all his fault. Thats why when people say stuff about Jason it gets to me, its as if no one wants to know that I could have had some responsibilities in the failed relationship as well. In order for me to move on I have to recognize that and fix that; not robbed of it and patted on the head and told that he is the one that screwed up.

I am concerend about Jason, you can tell he is killing himself inside. If he would just talk to me, if he would let me tell him its okay then I think he would do better. He is a jerk for lying to me all these years and for still lying to me but I dont want him to be just dead to the world because it effects the kids. Right, I didnt run off but I did let our relationship get to a point to where it could happen. I am trying to let go of that resentment and I think I am almost at that point.

So what is LO? It started off with Boone and I jokingly saying we lo ed each other (and he came up with this). It wasnt a joke but we just couldnt say it, couldnt finish the word even if we both wanted too. Then yesterday he asked me if I loved him, oh the meltiness of it all. It was such a sweet moment and then Ian came running in from outside “Booone, I need you”. Boone went and came back and he told me he loved me and that he had been holding it back for weeks….more meltiness, then Ian fell off the porch. lol I brought him inside, washed off and kissed his ouchies and put arnica on him and back off outside as if nothing happend.

Thank God for my kids, they are keeping me grounded and also helping me know that what I am feeling is true.

I have fallen in Love with Boone and I know it, I feel it. Its the same joy, happiness, contentment I get with my kids. Its knowing that not every moment of every day will not be rainbows and unicorns. Its knowing that those moments where its not, the challenges are what will make us grow together even more.

And he feels the same way. This person that has had so many problems with trust issues when it came to past relationships feels the same way, it took him 1.5 years to tell Aubrey he loved her.

And we told each other we would take it slow and look whats happend. Both of us are just in awe that it happened so fast but we are also welcoming of it. I didnt realize what all I was missing until he came along.

I have fallen in love with Boone and he has fallen in love with me.

My life is going so fantastically right now. I have my friends back and my family back. Ians behavior is great and Hope is sleeping well again. We go out and have fun as a family together which is something we never did with Jason. I look forward to going to the park with the kids on the weekends that I have them, its really helping my relationship with Ian.

This is a diary/preferred list but once the divorce is final I will put it as public.

I so cant wait for my divorce party!

Karen Jane
I in a way envy you. I don’t think I ever loved Warren, I can feel that part with you. We fought, were not right for each other, and in the end hated each other. It took me years to find someone I would bring around my kid, that I trusted enough to let into my life. I was so afraid of ripping my family apart again. And it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. And I love evey minute of it. The good and the bad. Because this time the good out weighs the bad. And I know without a doubt that if it doesn’t work I will be able to pick myself up and move on. I can do it alone if I have to, I am that kind of woman. But…. oh how much better it is together. Here’s to moving on July. And loving it. I love you. How’s that for a comment bitch?
Posted by Karen Jane on April 30, 2008 – Wednesday – 9:07 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
i am so happy that you are so happy =)

it sounds like you learned alot from all of this and that should help as you move forward!
this is such a great lo story that you will tell your kids over and over =)

congrats on all the melty=happy=ness!!

lots of love

~sara

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 4, 2008 – Sunday – 9:51 AM
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Cleaning out my filing cabinet


After reading Spiritual Divorce a few times I have realized that I cant “move on” until I fix whats wrong with me. One thing thats held me back for all these years is the fear of rejection or that someone will be there one day and then not be there the next. I also have a bad habit of relying on one person and only one person which so happens to be the person that I am in said relationship with.

Sadly it happened with two relationships and of course it was back to back. What would have happened with Jason and I if I had recognized what went wrong with Nathan and I?

I always complained of a certain friend that when she had a significant other it was as if I was no longer there and it annoyed the crap out of me. Why has it taken me 8 years to realize that I was doing the exact same thing? I have always had my girlfriends but for some odd reason I shut them out when I was in a relationship and I only came back to them when my relationship was going down hill. I cant believe they stuck with me through all that.

My mom nailed it a couple months ago and I just now realize that. I kept saying that I didnt know why I got married and she kept saying it was because Ginta had just got married and thats just what I wanted. I didnt want to be alone. OMG, she was right!

So looking through my file cabinet I found my old diary and then a random piece of paper written to Nathan but it wasnt to be given to him. Ginta told me one time to write down what I wanted to say, not to give it to the other person but to get it all out.

Here is what I wrote, 6.5 years ago…(bolding is mine)

I am so scared that you will leave me forever. It hasnt even been a week and it has already felt like forever. I really hope you are thinking like you said you were going to but I dont think you are. I am trying to convince myself that you and all of your friends hate me. I totally understand where you are coming from. I am controlling but only because I have a fear of being left ~ forgotten.

I guess it doesnt work. I hate what you are putting me through, my heart hurts and I feel sick all the time. It really sucks cause you are the only person that has a shoulder for me to cry on and now you are no longer here. I feel so stupid and ugly, just the same as I always have.

I am the only one out of my girlfriends that is alone, again.

I knew I had a problem with being controlling but I guess I just didnt want to face it. I went after Jason because I knew I would be able to control him I just didnt know that he was doing the same to me all along.

What I fear the most is being left and I have got to get over that. With the help of friends its really starting to work its self out, this fear of rejection.

Always Màthair

that is a hard one for sure hun!
Just think I went through 30 years before I got to that last breaking point…and it took two years more to see that there is a viable person here with thoughts and ideas of her own and that I can survive! I didn’
I think it is so sad that so many people get into relationships before they truly understand what our purpose for this life is, and that as we grow that purpose grows and changes with us.
We humans are either very controlling or very insecure in ourselves.
So much to learn, so many changes we will go through!
Let the light within you shine!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 25, 2008 – Friday – 10:10 AM
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I cant believe how unhappy I was



Current mood:  loved

And that people around me knew and didnt say anything.  I suppose I can see why you wouldnt want to stick your nose into someones business but I really thought that people thought that I was happy. I cant believe I thought I was happy, ack.

So what has prompted this? Well besides conversations with close friends I just watched an old video tape from when Jason and I lived in Utah/were dating. From a time when I thought I was in head over heels in love. Watching the tape it was obvious that I just got on Jasons nerves and that he really had no desire to talk to me.

I cannot believe this is the person that I married, I cant believe I chose this person to make a life with. Seeing that tape from 5 years ago was a wake up call, a major one. Wow.

So those of you reading, those that know Juli, the real Juli the one you have always known that is trying her hardest to get herself back would you PLEASE tell me next time I am in a relationship your reservations (if you have any). Knowing me I will blow them off at first but eventually I will stop and think about them.

Always Màthair

Don’t know if you have been keeping up with Oprahs study on one of Eckhart Tolle’s books, but in one of the lessons he talked about what love really was. He said, if when you think you are in love you are looking at what you see on the outside of a person, or BLIND to what you see out of your own ego’s nessecity, it isn’t really love. Love is what you see on the inside, past the ego, past self. If you don’t look from the inside to what will last, you can about gaurentte that the outside will disolve away.
Sometimes, to find ourselves we have to loose what we thought we needed to see a different depth in us, to see that we can only change ourselves, be ourselves once we get past the role playing.
I wish you great adventures in finding what life has in store for you now!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 24, 2008 – Thursday – 2:43 PM
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What heartbroken really is….


Current mood:  happy

Oh to be so naive to think that love and or heartbreaking can come and go after a short relationship. I was once so naive to think that I had had my heart broken a few times and was in love but now having really gone through it I realize that back then those “heartbreaks” were nothing compared to the real thing.

Heartbreak is….
Marrying what you thought was the love of your life only to be told that it was all just a facade. To learn that you were lied to from the very first date, to learn that the person you married wasnt really who he was after all these years.

Heartbreak is….
Telling your husband that you feel like their is someone else he is involved with and hearing the words “their is, I dont want to be with you anymore”.

Heartbreak is….
Being suddenly single at 37 weeks pregnant and explaining to your 3.5 yo that mommy and Ian are moving elsewhere (without daddy).

Heartbreak is….
Having hope, moving back together and working on your marriage for months, putting everything into it and thinking that things were going to be okay ONLY to be blindsided by a dear Jane letter the day before vday telling you that your love has left you for another woman.

Heartbreak is….
Going to pick up your love from school pleading to go to counseling and that we can make it work. Only to be turned down and told that your love has been sleeping with this other woman since your second born child was only 3 weeks old.

Heartbreak is….
Looking your children in the eyes and knowing that they will never have mommy and daddy together again.

Heartbreak is….
Hearing your oldest tell you over and over again “but daddy still loves you”.

Heartbreak is….
The fear of loosing your children to some other “mom”.

Hearbreak is….
Loosing that familiar kiss, touch, voice, ear….shoulder to cry on.

Heartbreak is….
Knowing that you failed.

THAT is heartbreak and I dont wish it on anyone. I am sorry if I make you uncomfortable or make it hard on you. I am not there to throw anything in your face and I hope you realize that.

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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Beautifully and factually written. It is absolutely one of the most difficult things to endure but with sorrow comes joy in the most unexpected ways. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on April 18, 2008 – Friday – 3:45 PM
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Always Màthair
Heartbreak is !!!!
But in time, you do recover, especially from the lies
It has taken me two years Julie to find a little bit more of myself that I lost to 30 years of lies and emotional abuse! It hasn’t been easy. I’m 55 and living with my parents again! We aren’t divorced. To much crap over the house and all for Harley to loose, so we let it be. All my things are piled into one room over on Garfield.
Each day I work on me, or at least I try to, and try to let all that crap go because I chose to not let it be a part of my life any longer! And when I try to be nice to him when we are around each other, I can easily say, well , that’s enough for today and I can leave with no guilt.
Finding yourself again for your kids is the most important thing right now.
Your not alone! You didn’t fail! And you will make a great Dad as well as a great mom for Ian! I have no doubt!
Don’t get sucked back in no matter what!!! Stay strong, keep that head up and be easy on yourself! One step at a time, and when the air gets heavy, grab those babes up and go out somewhere, for a walk, to a playground, show them the world we live in and that it can be ok!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 20, 2008 – Sunday – 10:19 AM
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Ian turned 4 today


So Ian turned 4 today, its hard to believe what all has happened in that time. He was a surprise and up until that point I had just assumed that I would never have kids. I remember the day I told Jason, he walked in the door from work and I was bawling. He just knew I was pregnant, it was the strangest thing.

Anywho, the pregnancy was tough. I had morning sickness from hell and the week before I had him I swelled up like crazy. I went in for a doctors appointment and was told to go to the hospital and 2 days later Ian was born at 28 weeks gestation.

The hospital stay was aweful, I have never felt so alone before in my life. It took almost 4 years and Jason telling me what exactly was going through his head back then for me to get why I hated those 5 days so much.

Ian was 2 days old before I went to see him. I had a picture on the wall next to my hospital bed of him but I just couldnt bring myself to go see him. When I finally went it took everything I had to hold back the tears. There was my baby, my tiny baby with wires and tubes under a plastic box.

One of the things I fondly remember during his nicu stay was him always holding my finger. At night, when I get the kids down to bed thats what Ian does, he holds my finger. Some nights I just lay there wide awake and cry while he tightly grips my finger.

He has come so far in 4 years, we both have.

Happy birthday baby boy, I love you.




So Jason ended up filing for divorce


Current mood:  sleepy

In order for me to file I had to wait 90 days since I live in a new county. I didnt want to file in Lubbock and then have to drag the kids down there when we had the court date.

My attorney called today and informed me that Jason filed and that I should be getting served soon. He didnt even bother to call me and say he had done so.

I dont know how I feel. I mean I am happy and glad that this is finally happening and that I will be able to officially move on but it still hurts. I never expected this to pan out the way that it has but I can one hundred percent say that getting divorced will be the best thing that ever happend to me.

I could use some hugs at this point in time. So the count down begins, I dont know when he filed for sure but from that point on we have a 60 day waiting period.

Hopefully the next 2 months will go by fast.

Karen Jane
Its hard…..It sucks…….I love you. I am always here.
Posted by Karen Jane on April 7, 2008 – Monday – 10:03 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
I am here to “chat” if you ever need or want to. You are also always welcome to call me if you like. Just message me for my cell . I know it hurts but that will soon go away and then you can be absolutely proud of yourself for moving on! I am proof of it. Hugs.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on April 8, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:52 PM
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Its so odd


Feel special Jenny because you are the only person on my preferred list therefore the only one to read this. Its really a diary entry but I know those annoy you. 

Its so odd having someone look into my eyes. Its been so long since its happened I forgot what it felt like. Boone will stare at me all the time, right into my eyes even when we arent talking. Jason never did this and I realize now that its because he was always lying to me. Its kinda nice.

Angela says she thinks I am the person that Boone needs to get him to change, meaning he has a love affair with the bottle. I dont want to be the one to change him I want him to be the one to change him but he is also well aware of the fact that I much prefer a sober Boone. She even noticed how well he did on Saturday night, just 4 beers which is really really good.

He is such a good dad though. The way he interacted with Victoria (his daughter) and Ian on Angelas birthday was proof of that. He played with them for hours, throwing the frizbee, kicking the ball, toting both of them around on his shoulders, all without a complaint. When he is here with me and Hope he is always in daddy mode and its so cute. I was out talking to dad on the porch on Sunday and boone and hope were in the living room. When I came back in he had flipped her to her belly and they were face to face (he was lying on the floor too) just talking back and forth to each other. OMG it was so cute. Jason never would have done that, he would have just kept her on her back and let her cry.

Its that stuff that is making me fall for him just that much more. Neither one of us wants this to go to fast but dammit he needs to start being an ass to me or else its going to be an avalanche.

He smiles all the time when he is with me, even in his sleep. He will look at me, smile and giggle and when I ask whats up he says he is just happy.

I have no idea where this relationship is going to go but when it ends I hope we will still be close. He is a great guy, he has done some stupid stuff but at least he has faced it and learned from it rather then shoving it under a rug.




My ecstatic mood


Current mood:  ecstatic

I go back and forth with myself asking if I should really be this happy when not even 2 months ago my husband left me for someone else. Why am I this happy?

Some of you might think you know the answer but you really dont. Its not a guy thats making me happy its me accepting what is going on and what was really going on the past 6 years. Now does knowing that at least one person out there would want to be with a divorced mom of two help soften the blow? Well yes, it does. But men are not what I need to bring me up and put me in a happy mood. I need to be able to do it on my own or at the very least with my children. I need to accept the fact that I am a single mom and I have got to learn to do it on my own. I was once a very independent person but somewhere along the line (and it was before Jason) I got into my head that I needed someone to support me, both emotionally and financially.

For all of Ians life Jason was always the one to put Ian down to sleep. Every night I would sit and wait on edge hoping that Ian would go to sleep quickly and easily. The nights when he didnt were pure hell, Jason would get pissed and it usually made for a bad next day. Back in October when Jason told me he was in love with another person (I was 37 weeks pg) one of the biggest things that freaked me out (besides my birth plan being shot to shit) was that I had no idea how to put Ian to sleep. When it was decided that we would both (ha) work on our marriage I tried to put Ian down myself but usually failed at the task.

When we finally split in February this was still a very large concern of mine but now its not just Ian, its Hope too. It took a month for me (and Ang, thanks sweet cheeks) to organize the house to where we could all move back in so in that time my parents would put Ian down to sleep. Now we are all over here and its been surprisingly easy and is actually my favorite part of the day. Hope, Ian and I all sleep in the same room. Hope with me in the king bed and Ian in his twin bed thats right next to mine. At night we get jammies on and pile into bed. I nurse Hope to sleep and then turn over and Ian holds my finger and is out in less then five minutes. Its the sweetest thing ever.

At first I was afraid to sleep alone but I am not. I am surrounded by more love now then I had ever had the past few years. This is true love the kind thats not there just because it feels obligated to do so.

Some days are harder then others. I wont lie, Ian really tries my patience. Some moments I think I want Jason back because it would be easier and it would be in the laundry/dinner/cleaning/shopping sense but we would both be miserable. I want to be loved again and I deserve to be loved again and not lied to about every little thing.

Tonight we were all sitting in bed and Ian kept bringing up daddy and mommas house again (he does this often and we go around and around). I once again told him that this is no longer daddys house and that he will never live with us again. Ian just looked at me and said “but daddy loves you”. How do you explain this to a child? THATS the hard part, thats the knife in the heart part, thats what brings me to tears every.single.time. Its not about me and Jason its about our kids, especially Ian but I seem to be the only one of the two of us that cares. Jasons just concerned about getting laid and getting yet another degree which right now he is succeeding in both.

Thats okay though, I will succeed in them as well (at a later date of course) but also come out as the best mom my kids could ever want. I know I havent shoved them to the side and made my focus all about me and it feels good knowing that I will come out on top a happy, confident, loving, understanding person that just so happens to be called momma.

So thats why I am ecstatic. Good things happen to good people and right now I am proof of that.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
That is the damn truth girl. You are a great person and sometimes the rewards come in mysterious ways! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on April 1, 2008 – Tuesday – 9:36 AM
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Karen Jane
That was hard for me too with Jayce. Warren always woke up with her at night, and that was so hard for me at first. Just know (from a single mom of FOUR YEARS, man that makes me proud) that it does get easier, and things do fall in to place. Man or not, the best joy is know that you have your own back, and you can take care of you no matter what. And you get his momey every month. And you get to laugh about it.
Posted by Karen Jane on April 1, 2008 – Tuesday – 5:31 PM
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Always Màthair
Love is knowing that you have been given a gift that you can devote your whole being to for as long as you can…that is what miracles are! I cannot imagine living this long without the joy and trials of young people around me to share life with! It makes it all worth it!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 1, 2008 – Tuesday – 6:20 PM
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Doing the happy dance


Yep thats me, shaking my butt and doing the happy dance.
I cant wait till this divorce is actually over!
I sent in my papers for the church and I am officially free. Funny how its the “only true church” yet I keep getting blessed.
I just want to skip around the house all night.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Way to go girl! Isn’t it nice to be free and actually be able to breathe for the first time in so many years? I am so happy for you. Take care of yourself and your beautiful children. 🙂 Keep smiling and dancing…
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on March 24, 2008 – Monday – 7:29 PM
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Karen Jane
I love you Julie July! Congrats!
Posted by Karen Jane on March 25, 2008 – Tuesday – 8:05 PM
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Just waiting for me to kill myself….


Thats what Jason had been waiting on since I had Ian. Thanks for letting me know or letting my parents know, heck even my friends know. It never did happen (not even close) and it never will and instead of telling me you distanced yourself to the point of no return.

Its been a month to the day since we seperated. He still lies to me, his empty promises mean nothing to me but one day our kids will catch on.

I am much stronger without him.
I am much happier without him.

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Cheyenne aka Mommy
What an idiot Jason is. I am so thankful you are happier and stronger without him. You deserve a life of your own and now you have it! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on March 14, 2008 – Friday – 8:31 AM
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Always Màthair
I am so sorry!
but it isn’t hard to see that God has other plans for you! Glad you could escape sister!
xoxo
Posted by Always Màthair on March 14, 2008 – Friday – 8:17 PM
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Finding the meaning


I have been reading up on this whole divorce thing,  how to grow from it and go on to live “happily ever after”. One thing that keeps coming to me is that Jason had an affair. How in the world am I going to get over the fact that my husband, Mr. Mormon was/is sleeping with another woman. The nausea that ensues to realize that while at “school” he was off having sex while I wasnt even healed yet from having baby Hope is hard to get past. So, how do I get past it? I have to get past it or else it will eat me inside.

So today I did a lot of soul searching, why did this happen? I could easily throw out that he is addicted to sex and he wasnt getting any from me. And really, that might just be the surface answer. But BUT I think that the affair was the end all. He knew I wouldnt take him back after that, I mean I would come crawling back but I wouldnt be happy. I would loose the very thing I wanted for all these years, my family and friends.

The past five years have been such a loss for me. I have two beautiful, healthy babies but I sacraficed myself, my being for them. I lost my vision and goal in life. I lost family and friends. I gained 60 pounds (yikes)! I was depressed for the first time ever and had no one to fall back on but Jason. I once could walk out the door with my head up and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. I had the funky hair and the blunt attitude that brought out the best in me.

For some odd reason when I met Jason that part of me changed and I just dont know why. Maybe its because I had just ended a relationship with someone who was once my best friend, maybe its because Ginta had just got married and I desperatly wanted that. I thought at 22 I had lived as much and I needed and that I needed to settle down. I settled down all right, I went from a partying single chick to Molly Mormon in the matter of a month. People that knew me from years past were floored that I would join such a religion, it just wasnt a Juli move.

I am so glad to be back in Amarillo. I wish the circumstances were different but I know I will be happy here. I wanted so badly to be out and when I got out I so badly wanted to be back home. I always wanted kids but I wanted them to have the life that I had. I loved my childhood, I loved having such close family and friends. Many days spent with my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Stories that will go to the grave with me. I wanted that for my kids and Lubbock just wasnt that. I had no friends there and certainly no family. Ian and I were isolated in the house all day every day and my only adult interaction was Jason (except the times when we came to Amarillo).

So the good of this divorce….

I am back, in mind and body. He cheated and thats on his plate for the rest of his life. I can not do anything to turn back time and dwelling on it is just going to bring me down.

I am finally free, no longer do I have to fake it. I have been doing so the last 5.5 years.

Its great to be home again.




One of those people


You know who I am talking about, the ones that buy a birthday cake with the food stamps. How dare they buy a birthday cake with foodstamps, that supposed to be for food!

I have heard the comments, people living off the system just popping out babies so the government can support them. And I will be honest, the thoughts crossed my mind a time or two in the past.

Now, thats me. Thats me standing in line for assistance, spending government money on a birthday cake so my son will be able to have some sense of normalcy.

I didnt plan it this way, I didnt plan on my husband leaving me when my baby girl wasnt even 3 months old and my son not even of the age of four.

How many people have I judged in the past when I didnt even know their story. How many other moms are suddenly left single, blindsided at best.

Why me? I was on top of the world, I loved my babies and my husband.

This wasnt in the plans, this isnt what I was promised.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
well, i have searched for words and this is what i have.

juli i love you and it breaks my heart that you having to go through this. i know we aren’t close now, but we use to be. [remember when you were my friend even though i use to be friends with stuffy =)] i hope you remember telling me that and it makes you smile. i’m not sure why we drifted apart [probably my fault =( ] but if you ever need a set of fresh ears i am all yours!!

oh and please don’t be hard on yourself. we are all quick to judge sometimes. we are human and are not without fault.

oh yeah btw did you recognize the security officer at dhs? its poppy. do you remember him?

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on February 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 11:19 AM
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CrazyRED
{{{{HUGS}}}} Village my dear friend, think of it as your village.
Posted by CrazyRED on February 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 12:21 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Well, if I know anyone strong enough to rise above this, that would be you! Speaking from experience on the other side of the track (ME being the one leaving) it is still extremely unnerving, trying, and many times frustrating but despite it all you will come out of this stronger, closer to your children, more secure than you could possibly imagine. I am now 2 years + post leaving my exhusband. I am making the most out of what life gives me and I can tell you it WILL get better. Keep your head up high and know there are many people out there who will be right there to support you. I know we don’t keep in contact much because of chaotic lives and whatever else comes in the way but know I am thinking about you constantly and will do whatever I can to help you out. Please let me know if there is anything…
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on February 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 2:30 PM
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Kara
Man I hate this for you!!! I just hate it!!! All I know is that life is so fast and one minute you may be down and out and the next your right back on top of the world! I hope that you dont stay down too long! Dont worry about what others may think! I hope you bought a damn good birthday cake! 🙂 PS Call me before you get an attorney! 🙂
Posted by Kara on February 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 3:48 PM
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