That’s it, it hit me…finally.


Ive been going back and forth and back and forth wanting to type out everything for a while. I would type it all out and then go and delete it all. i dont know why I kept doing it.

Blogging, for me, is therapeutic. I used to be fantastic at typing it all out. I could rattle on and on and by the end I would have solved the problem with a few strokes at a keyboard. I dont know what I have been waiting around for. Even as I am tying this I am realizing I am rambling and should probably just stop but Im not going to this time.

Shit happens, I know this. And anyone that knows me knows that I get up and dust myself off and move the fuck on. Im always the one to say the cliché of “Everything happens for a reason”. And like every lesson in life before, the latest lesson has a reason attached to it.

I think I have finally come to the point in my life where I dont want a dysfunctional relationship. Every relationship in the past has been just that, dysfunctional. And the one thing connecting all of those relationships was, well, ME. I have always felt the need to rescue people, not intentionally but when it was all said and done and I could look back on it all I realize thats what I did every.single.time.

I dont want that anymore and because of that I am choosing to stay single. Im choosing to be that odd numbered wheel over being in a dysfunctional relationship. Im still not ready for one and its been 2 years since my last real relationship. I dont want the drama, and yes I know it seems to fall right in my lap (it is the J word after all).

I dont want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

Just like I did in January I need to refocus and be that positive Juli that people know and love. I need to move forward and stop looking back. I cant fix people and I cant change peoples feelings on whats happened.

I have got to just let go.

I might be a super forgiving person but I realize thats a quality that a lot of people dont have.

Im nice
Im passive
Im tender hearted
And I cant help it…

But thats what makes Juli Juli. I need to be ok with this again. I *will* be ok with this again.

My apologies to those that have dealt with a very morose Juli in the past few months.
Many thanks for solidifying the wonderful friendships I have.

I am very grateful
Very blessed
And very much not alone.

The past once again has molded me into a new ever changing person.

Here is to tomorrow which will be just another yesterday.




Focus focus focus


I occasionally have a “woe is me” moment when it comes to my life but I quickly snap out of it. I dont *like* being single but I dont *dislike* it either. I think I would be fine had I not had a marriage with a husband that was really close to me. Thats what I miss, companionship, someone to talk about the storm rolling in, a kiss, a hug, a touch. But not having those things is what makes me miss being married.

The single part isnt changing anytime soon but its also no where near my focus. But when I step back and think about the overwhelming role that my future husband would need to fill, well, its overwhelming. He has to love me, and the kids, and my family. Well okay, but my family is huge and *family* includes Jason and my in-laws. Is that an impossible role to fill? Nope, I dont think so but its going to take one special person to fill it. Besides, I read it on a piece of paper, made just for me, 8 years ago January.

So how exactly do I “snap out of it” so quickly? By standing back even further and looking at the bigger picture. In this last 2.5 years I have learned to love myself. I have learned that my attitude affects everything, including the kids, and how I am treated by everyone. I have learned that the grass can be green on either side of the fence but that it has to be watered, I cant just stand there idly and watch it brown all while wishing it was green. Besides, if I hopped the fence and I again just stood there it would eventually die too.

This whole thing is a process, I have many downs but I have way more ups. I can do this and I know I can because I already am doing it.

So this, *this* is why I love my life. Because I know everything will work out. I look forward to every day and what it brings. I am blessed to have what I have and who I have in my life. They all play special roles, roles that I am eternally grateful for but I am also bad about vocalizing. No ones going to want a depressed, woe is me, Juli. Well someone might but they will be a depressed, woe is me, person and thats just about the last thing I need.

I am working on redirecting bad habits and I fail sometimes, boy do I fail. But I fail when I loose focus, when the “big picture” slips by. Anywho, as I have said time and time again, I am happy about where my life is and I am happy about where its going. I am redirecting my focus that was all but lost for a number of years. Its all part of a bigger plan after all and if I knew the outcome it just wouldn’t be as much fun.




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