I am SO not Cinderella…at least not this year. ;-)


Year number 5 has come and gone, that flew by faster then I thought it would.

Lets see, I can back track and play the “woe is me, my husband cheated on me and left me when I was pregnant” card OR move on cause bringing it up constantly gets really really old. Lol.

No but really, lets see what all has happened this year…

Jason, my good friend/ex husband, got remarried this past January. It took some serious getting used to. We were very close and when they started dating the distance between us grew so much that I thought I would never have that “friendship” back again. The good news though is that after I stepped back and stopped freaking out inside Jason and I still had an awesome friendship.

Go me…err…us? I supposed it takes a certain kind of person to just let go. A certain kind of person to move on and to stop dredging up the past. I am pretty certain that I could still be miserable but I am choosing not to be. But…

Do I still break down every time I relive those days?

Yes!

Do I go into a blubbering tear filled mess when I even think about it?

Yes!

Am I currently doing the above?

Yes!

And its gone.

In the short amount of time that it took me to type that, I thought, I cried, I processed and I moved on! Maybe one day I will get to the point of dodging the crying, maybe.

Anywho, moving along…

Nothing too terribly out of the norm happened this year. Krystal and I broke up, but it’s still not anything that I care to talk about, certainly not on here at least.

I suppose that brings up the whole gay/straight thing. It is also not anything that I care to bring up. I am glad I am not getting bugged about it as bad as I had thought I would. Lets just say you never know who you are going to fall for until its already happened.

My motto (even though people were not aware of it, even my best friends) was alway one that didn’t look at gender.

To me, if I dated just men or just women then who’s to say I wasn’t automatically cutting out someone who was a “perfect” match. And I use the term “perfect” loosely.

For me, every relationship I have been in has been one that I have learned and grown from. I will always believe everything happens for a reason and within that I believe that people walk in and out of your life just to teach you how to better yourself, be it directly or indirectly.

For this I am extremely thankful for my past relationships, no matter how rocky they were or how they ended. In the end I have always tried to take the high road and not the drown in the past. I can only speak of my experiences though and I would assume that a 20 year marriage would be a whole hell of a lot harder to move past then a 5 year marriage.

So lets see, Jason got married, I switched teams, and hrm…I had reconstructive surgery on my knee. Lol.

I suppose that could be a “high” point of the year. Me going 32 years and not hurting myself only to go dancing and end up with fun medical bills. Ha.

Damage was done on October the 27th. Bruised bones, torn meniscus, and a completely snapped ACL. Whoops. All for being my silly self. I have healed rather fast, but not so fast as to doing the naughty 5 days after surgery, (hahaha). I also wont be able to fit into any glass slippers for another year, the shoe doesn’t fit…I need to go buy new (flat) ones. Boo.

Oh sorry, I got off track. I will be released to full duty on January 21st, but still no heels and certainly no dancing for a while.

Ian was hospitalized once this year for pneumonia, that was no fun. It was been 1.5 years since the last hospital stay and we are hoping thats the last one, period.

Hope started Pre-K and is loving every minute of it. She has wanted to be in school since Ian started Kindergarten which made the transition to school pretty easy.

Work is still wonderful, I love the friendships that I have with my coworkers. I couldn’t imagine working anywhere other then where I work, which yes, happens to be a maximum security prison.

My relationship with Paul is wonderful, tho it is still in the “pinch me to wake me up cause everything can’t really be this wonderful in real life” part of the relationship. It sure would be awesome if it stayed this way though. It’s a first being with someone this “involved” you could say. I don’t feel like I have to hide parts of myself around him, I feel like I can be completely open and honest and get the same in return.

I am enjoying every minute of it, even the really hard ‘person that doesn’t even know me but talks about me in ugly ways’ parts. I know who I am as a person, which isn’t anything like is assumed of me.

Eh, what can I do besides laugh it off…right?

This house is usually quiet, bed time for me is usually 9, and my social life isn’t anything out of the norm for an adult single mother of two. I really have calmed it down in the last few years.

I supposed I needed to get the sadness/rage/hurt/depression/hopelessness/helpless feeling out of my system after Jason left and I do admit to having my fair share of fun times (although I was still responsible, thank you very much).

This past year has been mainly me and the kids. I have grown to love spending time with them. Not that I haven’t always loved spending time with them but things are different when you can converse with them at a higher level, play games with them and all that other stuff that comes with having kids in the house.

I never wanted to be a single mother but it is the hand that was dealt to me and I wouldn’t take it back for the world. There is a certain kind of pride knowing that I am doing it pretty much on my own. I am not living off the anyone, not the government nor my exhusband. I have the kids most of the time and I am a-ok with it. I miss them terribly when they aren’t here, even if it is just for one night.

I am so glad I have such awesome kids but I happen to know the awesomeness comes from both me and Jason and the relationship we have with one another. I speak of Morgan (his wife) in nothing but a positive light when the kids are around. The last thing I want is them feeling like they need to pick a side. They are little, I get that, but even when they are in their teens I still wont bring up what happened between Jason and I. What is in the past is in the past, Jason and I both had fault but we have grown from it and have moved on. The only thing my kids need to know is that they are loved from all sides of their families and that will never change. It doesn’t matter that Jason is remarried, it doesn’t matter if I get remarried, the love will never change.

So I guess I have come full circle again on my subject and I will leave it at that. 2012 was awesome, 2013 will be as well. No clue what the next year has in store for me but thats the exciting part about life, you never know what the next day will hold.




This perfectly sums up my married life


Sometimes my intentions were “good” (I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or worry you), most times my intentions were selfish. I paid careful attention to what I thought it was that you liked about me, and I tried to present that picture all the time. As such, I never “let you in” in any meaningful way. I always hid portions of myself from you, at first because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore, but as time went on I did it to purposefully keep you out. ~Jason

When I look back at the 6.5 years that Jason and I were together I can’t help but think of those few sentences. I would like to think that I am over it, that it is processed and in the past but it’s not. I don’t ever want to live in a fantasy land again, one that at 37 weeks pregnant is snagged from under my feet. It STILL hurts to think about and it still brings up tears and bad emotions. It was painful and embarrassing but most of all it was my life.

3 years ago the judge officially signed our divorce papers. Tonight I took a walk through a past blog as a reminder to myself of how far I have came. The desperation of those typed words still rip my heart apart and it has been almost 4 years since he first left.

But what happened then made me who I am today and it serves as a reminder that life has a funny way of working itself out in ways that are the least expected.


AUGUST 15TH, 2008
Dirty Laundry 

http://storyaboutagirl.com/?p=207

I am offically single, well in a sense that thats the box I can check from now on. No desire to check the divorced one. I got my paperwork, final decree in the mail today. Now begins the tedious work of changing mine and the kids names, what fun.And for your reading pleasure I am posting just about everything that has happend since October. Why? Because it steps ME through the pain again and lets ME see how much I have grown since then. Reading what I wrote then, how weak I was is upsetting. It brings back every emotion I had back but also makes me stronger.

Unless you are on ctt with me you have never read these, they are just cuts and pastes from the board. The dear Juli letter is finally scanned in, all of this is printed off and being locked away only to be see again in 15/20 years.

So here you have it…

Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:26 am

37 weeks pg and dh tells me he doesnt want me anymore

i dont know what to do

excuse the typos and the lack of capsi am at my parents house, they came and got ian and i last night. i didnt trust myself to drive 2 hours.

i swear to yall, i thought i had the perfect marriage, the perfect husband, the perfect father to my child/ren. it all came crashing down yesterday. he hasnt cheated per se but he is emotionally attached to another girl. he is trying to figure out if he wants to work the marriage out or if he just wants to leave. he is so blank, he doesnt love me anymore.

i dont know what to do. my parents had no knowledge of this homebirth. it was to be just me and him, he is my rock. my midwife is 2 hours away from where we live and 4 hours from my parents. i cant go back home and have this baby by myself. as dumb and selfish as it sounds i just want to find a doc here, scheduel a c section and just get it over with. no one supports my decision to homebirth and at the moment i dont have a home.

i dont know what to do with ian. jason put him to sleep every night for the past 2 years, i dont know how to even begin to explain to him that daddy isnt going to rock him to sleep every night. i have no idea how i am supposed to put ian to sleep as well as an infant. i am so dumb, i cant believe i am in this situation. dumb dumb dumb

do i stay? i want my husband back but he is just so blank to me. he says he has been miserable for 2 years. i thought the past 2 years were the best of our marriage. i dont get it, how could i be so blind.

i cant eat, i took a bite of my granola bar and almost threw it up. ians already thrown up this morning. he knows somethings up.

is this all a dream, its a dream right? the only thing missing in our lives was that the fence wasnt white.

my parents only have dial up and i keep expecting him to call and say come home, lets talk.

i want to save this marriage but is it even savable now?

i was extremely swollen, like i was with ian swollen but it has gone down. i dont want to resent this baby but i feel like if i wasnt pg this wouldnt have happened. i dont want ppd again…..or maybe i still have it.

jami, lory….someone close close to me….anybody. i hate the phone with a passion but its just me and ian in my parents house. please call me. if it keeps ringing that means i am online so just call back.

_________________
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:27
Its been a long, draining, emotional week

I feel like I need to get this out so I am typing it all up here. No one knows any of this but I need to get it out and I dont want to talk to my irl friends/family about it.So things are good with Jason and I but I have a major hang up, major. When he eventually told me that Sunday that he was in love with another women I asked him if he had done anything. He said he had hugged and held her hand but that was it.

I told myself that I could get over that and I can/did.

That sunday I told him he needed to call his dad, set himself straight and to give himself some time to think it all out. I thought he would and I thought he would do it alone.

Well no, he called her on Monday and she came over. They talked and they kissed. How in the hell is he supposed to be focusing on us if he is calling her to come over to MY house!

Tuesday is when Mom, Ian and I came down to talk. Thats when we talked it over and decided to keep on with the marriage and to continue working to stay together. He didnt mention that she came over on Monday and he certainly didnt mention the kiss. Not until Wednesday when I asked to make sure he did nothing more then hug and hold her hand.

I cannot get past this. A kiss to him is as important as it gets so that fact that he shared that with another woman, ESPECIALLY when he was supposed to be focusing on US pisses me off to no end. Then to keep it from me on tuesday when we were supposed to be talking it out just seems wrong.

I am fine one minute and then I start thinking about it and I just loose it. Burst into tears, start swelling, feeling lied too, emotional, ugly, worthless, everything I SHOULDNT be feeling, especially being so pregnant.

I sit in the living room and see it happening. All the good in this house has been sucked out. This was my grandparents house, its where I spent a large part of my life time. I dont want to think about my husband dropping me and bringing someone that has no business being here here. I no longer have the fond memories of sitting in the tub with my cousin with mr. bubble bubbles and grandpas selson blue shampoo to turn our hair blue. I no longer see me sitting in the living room playing with my 1970s barbies and blow up furniture. I dont see the happy holidays that were spent here for 24 years. I just keep replaying that Sunday and Monday, I cant seem to get past it and its killing me inside.

Jason and I talk about it every time I get to feeling this way. I was doing real good and then last Sunday it hit me hard. I couldnt close my eyes without seeing/hearing me desperately pleading him not to leave me. Since this past monday I think I have gotten a handle on replaying what happened on Sunday but I am still stuck on this kiss thing. I feel dirty, disgusting and used when he kisses me. Not all the time, not even close but sometimes it just hits me and I loose it.

I dont like feeling this way. It takes a lot to piss me off and when I do get to that point it takes a lot to get me to sit in the same room with you. I know I have anger towards Jason and I hate that I do. The love far outweighs the anger but its still there. My absolute hate and rage goes towards that girl. What kind of person would come over to my house to essentially take my husband away? He says she kissed him, that she wanted to let him know that he was “loved”. Pathetic excuse, there are no words.

He asked if he had told me on tuesday about that kiss would I still want to stick around and try to make it work. I said yes but its that he didnt tell me on tuesday when he really should have. I was lied to for 2 years. I would love to conveniently think that he “forgot” to tell me on tuesday but at this point I cant. I cant get over that feeling.

I am so scared that these feelings are going to come up when I eventually go into labor. I have no idea what will happen if they do. I dont know if I am having such a hard time moving past this because I am so incredibly, hormally pregnant or if I would react this way if I wasnt.

I feel blah one minute and then great the next. Its so confusing. And then to throw a baby into the mix of it all….

_________________

Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:35 pm

Its over, he has been sleeping with her and lying about it

I am a fool to have ever taken him back. He never talked to her and said they couldnt talk, he made that all up to please me. He has been sleeping with her since school started back up last month.** Wrote this 3 page letter of crap with no mention that he slept with her. I went to pick him up this morning so we could talk it out, thats when he told me. So I promptly detoured to the bank so he could empty the account. I made him take Ian with him so he didnt cop out. Called his dad and let him know that Jason had been cheating on me. I took his cell and the house keys. Started to drive home he said he needed to get clothes and toiletries. I told him he shared a vagina he can share some shampoo. Told him that he will have to stay in the clothes on his back for the next couple of days.I thought to myself, “I should drop his ass off in the middle of a cotton field BUT that would waist gas” so I just pulled over, in the middle of no where and told him that I will need an address to send the divorce papers and then told him to get the hell out. He asked for his cell back and I told him no and drove off.

Got home and threw everything I could into trash bags and stuffed it into the car. I also took the prized ps3 and wii. Grabbed his tooth brush and cleaned the toilet bowl with it and put it back.

Called the police and told them to watch the house for the next couple of days. Locked up the house and left. Went to check the mail and noticed he took the mail key. I went in and told the front office to watch the house and she is having the mail man deliver the mail to the office.

Drove to amarillo and the outskirts of the city are basically on fire. Just a block away a huge fire was brewing. Slight heart attack over that.

Asshole, complete and total asshole.

So ANYONE that wants to call feel free too. I cant call out because it costs my parents a lot of money. I will update the contact thread and put it here as well.

806-381-xxxx

I just dont know what I would do without you girls. Thank God we hadnt moved yet!

Any advice on how to break it to Ian or help with a divorce would be great.

I should note here that when he FIRST told me he slept with her while we were driving in the car he told me the first time was when school started. A few days later he was honest with me and told me it was actually the last day of school.

__________________

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:02 am

I called him yesterday
I am such a dumbass

I have been looking for books on divorce and all of them say to try to work it out, try to mediate you can move on with your marriage after an affair and it will be stronger. Bah, it puts that crap into my head, the we can work it out crap.So I called him, it was either him or Ginta and dumb butt me called him pleading to come back. Bang

Why do I keep doing this to myself, he isnt really what I want and never really was. I didnt get a proper engagement, our wedding day was so insignificant that I could never remember the date. I had to beg him to come to doctor appointments when I was pg with Ian plus he wouldnt stay in the hospital with me when I had Ian. Never in the 6 years did I get a card, I got a flower once because I begged him (our first vday). No birthday or Christmas presents, I bought all my own.

The past couple of days have been real hard, Ian wont let me out of his site and just calls mama over and over and over again. I get frustrated with him because I cant just get away and I know the last thing he needs is a frustrated mama that just wants to get away.

The house is coming today, thats a relief and a headache all at the same time. I get the luxury of sorting stuff. Jason wants NOTHING, nothing at all except what he came in with which is books and other random crap. So odd but I guess it makes it easy when it comes to the actual divorce.

I still cant believe this is me and my situation, it could definitely be worse but its still shocking and sinking in.

Anyone have any good bottle recommendations? I cant leave hope for more then 2 hours and their are times when I will need too. I am so scared that I am going to loose my breastfeeding relationship along with everything else but I have got to get out and have some me time. Its something I havent had in the past 5 years.

______________

Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:37 pm

I would rather be a bitch then a liar
Custody hearing was today, plus more fun stuff

Lets just say that everyone else is right, me, the one married to the idiot for 4.5 years still cant see that he is lying to me constantly. Sigh…..So the custody hearing was this morning at 8:30, three times now (in the letter he wrote me, in email and also a signed paper) he has said that he would help support us above and beyond basic custody for the next twelve months. Today we get to the court house and he tells my attorney that the max he can afford is 415 a month, he had agreed to 835. Since this was dealing with custody and not the divorce part she said she didnt know if the judge would let us get the extra 400. He also left out the fact that he tutors when he wants the cash and makes 25-30 bucks an hour at it. He has been telling me for the past month that he has no money yet every time he walks in the door he is in a new shirt and new pants. Fucker, I was already pissed because he went to abiline to meet homewreckers folks (they must be soooo proud) and didnt even bother to call and wish Ian a happy Easter.

So we go in front of the judge and he says thats all he can afford. My attorney grills him about the tutoring and he stumbles with that a bit and then asks if he is splitting rent with his girlfriend that he has been living with since we split (he wrote in his financial papers that he was paying all rent and utilities). He said yes but that he wanted his own place that way he could take Ian for visitation (we had previously agreed that he would wait for a year that way he could take both kids). Its obvious he only cares about Ian, if he does in fact get a house then he wont see Hope since she can only leave me for 2 hours.

In my financial documents I wrote out all my bills and added the midwife bill. Dumbass Jason notes that thats not my bill its his and he has said that he would take care of it, in court and under oath so thats taken care of. Love eyes

So lets just say the judge wasnt impressed with Jason in the least and at the end he said he was ordered to pay 415 a month….short pause….plus 400. :evilgrin

So thats taken care of until the divorce, at that time it could be reversed and he could have to pay the measly 415.

On to me I suppose. I finally got the internet today, its so nice having something faster then 28.8 kbps.

Its so sad, the man I thought I married and the dad that I thought my kids had is nothing more then a selfish pitiful excuse for a human. I was flabbergasted this morning when he said he would only pay 415. I really thought he would start being true to his word but its more obvious now more then ever. I feel so bad for my kids, I want them to have a relationship with Jason but its just not going to happen and me pushing Jason to be there isnt working either. He just does not care, at all.

He also told my attorney that he plans on always staying in school so 1’644 is what he will always make.

I might have been a total bitch to him in our relationship (though now that I have done some reflecting the times I called him stupid are the times that we would fight and he had just been caught in a lie) but at least I am not a liar. I am a painfully honest person, my memory is way to shot for me to try to keep up with the lies so I have always told it like it is and because of that I have some wonderful friends and great support. I dont see how he sleeps at night, I could never forgive myself if I had done what he has done.

I am so happy, I have my freak out moments but I am happy. For the first time in years I am actually in pictures instead of the one taking them and I am smiling to boot.

So thanks for reading, I am so behind on the board but I figured I would fill you all in. I feel like I shouldnt be so happy and feel so good but I am and its nice.
Who knew what divorce could do to a person.

______________

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

Thread posted “Juli”

It went as well as could be expected. He contested the extra 400 and tried to walk away with the whole stimulus check (that he has had for the past month and a half) and pinning the midwife bill on me (that he already agreed to pay in court). He also said he didnt want the kids names changed which he had previously agreed to and signed on. Everything he ever said he would do he went back on and I was fully expecting it.Firstly, It wasnt the divorce, it was a temporary hearing. His attourney (which looked like she hadnt washed her hair in a while, had a hot pink bra and wore flip flops, winner!) basically wasted our time because everything could have been mediated over the phone but she would never respond to my attourney. So we went down there to negotiate.

First he tried to settle with paying July, halfing the stimulus check with me and having me pay the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said he could give me July, August and September, all of the stimulus check and he had to pay the midwives.
He didnt agree.
He came back and agreed to July, August and giving me half the stimulus and halving the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said I would never sign the stimulus so neither of us would see that money and we would go infront of the judge at a later date and let him make the call.
Court date was set for October 3rd.
We left the building, were in the parking lot and got a call from my attorney. Came back.
He said he would give me spousal for August and September, all the stimulus and he would pay the midwives.
LOL
I agreed, have the stimulus check, signed the papers (which still have to be typed up to be official), depositing the check tomorrow. I should get the offical typed papers to sign Thursday. Friday (because I know he wont have talked to his attorney by then) when I see him I am going to tell him that I changed my mind. Just to fuck with him and see the look on his face. Of course everything will be final and I wont really take back my word but it will still be fun.

He didnt bother to change the custody which further makes me realize that he really doesnt want anything to do with Hope. Custody is set for 2 hours on 2 Saturdays a month, thats it. I of course give him more but you would think he would want it written that he can take her.

No geographical restrictions, we can move to New Zealand next month and he couldnt do a damn thing about it.

The kids will be wexxx grxxxx without the dash. He didnt want them having the dash so it will be a second middle name, idiot.

My dad, girlfriends and I laughed the whole times. Even took pictures. I am so glad its over with.

And yes I know I could have went in front of the judge in October to fight for that 400 and I know that some of yall dont see eye to eye with me over the money but I feel good with the agreement. Money really isnt an issue.

In the long run I walked out with 1600 in spousal support which in Texas is rare. 5,500 cash from the bank account, a paid for house and a paid for car. No bills except utilites, everything was paid off before we split. I could be in a much much worse position and I realize that and thank bob every day that I have a roof over my head and tons of help.

Btw, I should have a new laptop screen in a week.

______________

My Dear Juli letter, its what I woke up to on February 13th, 7am. I cant read it in its entierty, I have a couple of times but its been months. I am happily filing it away. Maybe I should just cleans myself from it and throw it away but for now I will hold on to it. I read it all as false now anyways, how anyone could ever do what he has done to one of “the best friends a person could ever have” is beyond me.

Only my best irl friends have seen this…(zoom the page to read the letter)

So here is to new beginings. I am looking forward to school and adjusting fairly well to being a single mom. Ian goes down to see Jason next weekend, I am not happy about him not seeing Hope for a month but he didnt seem to care. Nor am I happy about Nicole being in my childs life but thats something out of my control. They moved into a two bedroom last month, one room is theirs and the other is a study/Ians room. I am pretty positive that all along he has told his family that he is moving out on his own but yeah, thats certainly not the case now.

======================

The only other private blog to be unlocked is the one below…

The past 24 hours

So thats all of it, feel free to call, comment or message me. If you managed to get all this read then congrats, lets do lunch.

By the way, I no longer feel the pain that I felt months ago when I am in this house. I can safely sit in my recliner and sleep in my bed and not toss and turn reliving that day in October.




My vacation was nice


I intended to leave my life’s dramas behind when I hopped on that plane to Portland. I suppose you cant escape yourself, you’ll always be along for the ride.

But my intentions were to heal, to meet new people, to go new places and to leave the past in the past.

For the most part I did, their were those long car rides where things would come back, I would stare out the window at the most beautiful land I have ever seen and tear up. 5 months into the year and I must say I have never had so many ups and downs in such a short period.

Thus far my 2011 can best be described as bipolar. Extreme highs followed by extreme lows followed by highs again, middle ground just hasn’t happened for me in a good long while. I’m doing much better then before but its still a constant inner battle, its inner because I know everyone around me is just plain tired of hearing it.

So what do I do to cope? On a whim go visit a friend, travel 1,665 miles, visit 3 different states (add 2 to that if ya wanna count the layovers, ha), take lots of pictures, do lots of talking, see parts of the country I never dreamt I would see, get a new tattoo…I could go on and on.

It was most certainly healing but the moment the plane touched down in Amarillo it all came rushing back to me, I escaped but only for a few days. I’m at least dusted off and I am ready to start “over” again.

Just press forward.
Stop looking back, you’ll miss what’s right in front of you if you do.
Time heals.

Those are all things that I say to myself on a constant basis. It’s working, just not as fast as I would like it to. 😉




In all honesty, if the rapture came…


I would be happy with where I am at this point in my life.
If I died tomorrow I would be okay with my current and past “ships”.
I know I have done everything I possibly could have done to try to fix any major screw ups along the way.
I’m good with it.
I hold no grudges.
I forgive others that were involved.
And most of all I forgive myself.

If I had to sit and watch a replay of my life, all the ups and downs, I would be okay with what I saw.

I don’t know what lies ahead, thats the fun part I suppose. I don’t know what new person I will meet or what sudden realization I will have.

I once was very planned I’m now very random.
I have learned to just let go, tho its way harder for some things then others.

I hear time heals, I suppose thats true. Thats a hard statement for someone as hard headed as me to swallow.
But time is the only given, thats the only constant in life, as long as we are still living “time” is still going. Everything else is, no matter how much we think differently, is unpredictable.

I guess me and time need to become friends, especially since I have no idea when it’s going away (tho I am certain it wont be Saturday).

So here is to time, the rapture, that chick behind my couch, funnel cakes, whoopie cushions and most of all the future. 😀




That’s it, it hit me…finally.


Ive been going back and forth and back and forth wanting to type out everything for a while. I would type it all out and then go and delete it all. i dont know why I kept doing it.

Blogging, for me, is therapeutic. I used to be fantastic at typing it all out. I could rattle on and on and by the end I would have solved the problem with a few strokes at a keyboard. I dont know what I have been waiting around for. Even as I am tying this I am realizing I am rambling and should probably just stop but Im not going to this time.

Shit happens, I know this. And anyone that knows me knows that I get up and dust myself off and move the fuck on. Im always the one to say the cliché of “Everything happens for a reason”. And like every lesson in life before, the latest lesson has a reason attached to it.

I think I have finally come to the point in my life where I dont want a dysfunctional relationship. Every relationship in the past has been just that, dysfunctional. And the one thing connecting all of those relationships was, well, ME. I have always felt the need to rescue people, not intentionally but when it was all said and done and I could look back on it all I realize thats what I did every.single.time.

I dont want that anymore and because of that I am choosing to stay single. Im choosing to be that odd numbered wheel over being in a dysfunctional relationship. Im still not ready for one and its been 2 years since my last real relationship. I dont want the drama, and yes I know it seems to fall right in my lap (it is the J word after all).

I dont want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

Just like I did in January I need to refocus and be that positive Juli that people know and love. I need to move forward and stop looking back. I cant fix people and I cant change peoples feelings on whats happened.

I have got to just let go.

I might be a super forgiving person but I realize thats a quality that a lot of people dont have.

Im nice
Im passive
Im tender hearted
And I cant help it…

But thats what makes Juli Juli. I need to be ok with this again. I *will* be ok with this again.

My apologies to those that have dealt with a very morose Juli in the past few months.
Many thanks for solidifying the wonderful friendships I have.

I am very grateful
Very blessed
And very much not alone.

The past once again has molded me into a new ever changing person.

Here is to tomorrow which will be just another yesterday.




Live in the moment


2010 wrapped up in a way that I never would have imagined, I came full circle in a cloud of emotions that were tucked into a tiny part of my being that I was to scared to release.
A connection with a person from my past.
A desperate attempt to be someone who I once was.
And ultimately a loss of that person again. But this time I wont hold on to that person for 11 years.
I will move forward, I will live in the moment.
If even for a few weeks I had a return at some level of who I once was and who I wanted to spend time with.
It was a reminder to myself of the type of person I want and the type of person I don’t want.
And it’s okay that he is gone because he was here for just the amount of time he was supposed to be here.
I came full circle, got what my heart craved so many years ago and was then released.
I am okay with that.

I have a terribly bad habit of going back, of thinking of times past when life was so much easier. When taking whatever illegal drug available was no big deal. When dancing in the rain was one of the best things in the world. When having people walk in and out of my life was something to be expected. When living with 15 people in a one room apartment was fun.

And all those things formed who I am today but they aren’t who I am today.
And who I am today might not be who I am tomorrow.
I am ever evolving.
I am learning day to day.
I am doing a little dance through the metal detector at work.
And looking into peoples eyes, for longer than a glance.
I am reaching out to new people and bringing those close to me closer.

My weight doesn’t matter.
My stupid acne at 30 doesn’t matter.
My clothes don’t matter.
My hair doesn’t matter.
My past doesn’t matter.
Only now matters.
Nothing I do or don’t do can keep people in or out of my life.
Everything, absolutely everything, happens for a reason.
People come and go at the times they are supposed to come and go. I might not understand why at that moment but I will eventually.

And to this I bid adieu to my past life for it was my past and it will always be so.

Here is to a fantastic road ahead.




October is right around the corner


For the past 3 years my Octobers have been horrible (well more then 3 actually). So I decided last night that *this* October will be a great one, I will see to it. If I go into the month down then it will indeed be a down month. So to just lay it all out, to get what goes through my head out I will type it and be done with it. For October will no longer be a month of dread.

Jason broke up with me (2002).

We got back together after 2 weeks, max (2oo2).

I joined the Church in October (2oo2).

We moved to Lubbock (2oo3).

I got pregnant with Ian (2oo3).

Jason started acting really odd (2oo7).

Told me he no longer loved me and was in love with someone else (2oo7).

Did I mention I was 37 weeks pregnant?

He moved out (2oo7).

I freaked out (2oo7).

We decided to try to make the marriage work (2oo7).

I left Boone (2oo8).

Jason and I started repairing everything that went wrong (2oo8).

Confusion of being in love still set in, big.time (I will leave it at that).

Ian had his tonsils out, which I stayed with Jason and his parents while Ian healed. It was almost like being married again, spending that much time with him on that constant of a basis threw me into some “what if” depression (2oo9).

———

So needless to say my Octobers have been eventful. But now that Im reading it its not so bad. lol. I am over the affair crap from the most part so yeah, October should be fine from this point on.

That and I already have a couple of big plans which I am oh so excited about.




Focus focus focus


I occasionally have a “woe is me” moment when it comes to my life but I quickly snap out of it. I dont *like* being single but I dont *dislike* it either. I think I would be fine had I not had a marriage with a husband that was really close to me. Thats what I miss, companionship, someone to talk about the storm rolling in, a kiss, a hug, a touch. But not having those things is what makes me miss being married.

The single part isnt changing anytime soon but its also no where near my focus. But when I step back and think about the overwhelming role that my future husband would need to fill, well, its overwhelming. He has to love me, and the kids, and my family. Well okay, but my family is huge and *family* includes Jason and my in-laws. Is that an impossible role to fill? Nope, I dont think so but its going to take one special person to fill it. Besides, I read it on a piece of paper, made just for me, 8 years ago January.

So how exactly do I “snap out of it” so quickly? By standing back even further and looking at the bigger picture. In this last 2.5 years I have learned to love myself. I have learned that my attitude affects everything, including the kids, and how I am treated by everyone. I have learned that the grass can be green on either side of the fence but that it has to be watered, I cant just stand there idly and watch it brown all while wishing it was green. Besides, if I hopped the fence and I again just stood there it would eventually die too.

This whole thing is a process, I have many downs but I have way more ups. I can do this and I know I can because I already am doing it.

So this, *this* is why I love my life. Because I know everything will work out. I look forward to every day and what it brings. I am blessed to have what I have and who I have in my life. They all play special roles, roles that I am eternally grateful for but I am also bad about vocalizing. No ones going to want a depressed, woe is me, Juli. Well someone might but they will be a depressed, woe is me, person and thats just about the last thing I need.

I am working on redirecting bad habits and I fail sometimes, boy do I fail. But I fail when I loose focus, when the “big picture” slips by. Anywho, as I have said time and time again, I am happy about where my life is and I am happy about where its going. I am redirecting my focus that was all but lost for a number of years. Its all part of a bigger plan after all and if I knew the outcome it just wouldn’t be as much fun.




9 months and counting


Its been a rather long time since I have posted a blog. I wish during all the time that I didn’t have internet that I would have went ahead and just made a word document of random thoughts.

Quickly catching people up here. I changed my degree to Business. I am in the process of looking for/buying *my* first home. New/old friends/acquaintances are reappearing. I am turning 30 this year and its freaking me out. Yes people, I occasionally go to church…yes, that one. Lol Still feeling anti people (mostly new girls) and would rather just be around my close friends. This year, I will lose this 60 pounds I gained since getting pregnant with Ian. Girls weekend trip is coming up and I am stoked. And now on to my normal ranting long winded blog.

Its been a crazy past few months and those that know me – know me, know that October, November and December are my hardest months. Heck throw in February as well.

And this February will mark the 2 year mark that Jason left me (and I left HIM on the side of the road). In a way I cant believe its been 2 years, its flown by but dragged on simultaneously. At any rate I think I will be okay this Valentines day, I really do.

I just finished Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I have watched it before (but I was “happily” married) and borrowed it from Ang right after I moved back to Amarillo. It sat up on my entertainment center for almost 2 years before she snagged it back. I just didn’t think I could watch it and it not really screw with me, that is until now.

Watching that movie makes me miss being in love but it also makes me fearful of it happening again. I don’t want to loose track of my goals, I don’t want to babysit an adult why they drink their life away, I don’t want to give it all I have only to be left in the long run anyways. I don’t want to love, have love slip away and then be told it was never really love. Gosh I still have a LOT of pain and frustration when it comes to that flipping word.

Last weekend I was speaking to an acquaintance about this whole love thing. He mentioned (he is just now coming out of a divorce) that he never wants to get hurt again. I just shook my head at him. I know its still very fresh for him (as well as me) but to tell yourself that you never want to be hurt again is to say you will never take a risk.

When I look back on my relationships I was hurt, and hurt again and hurt even more so after that. I think Boone and I’s relationship was more “hurt” then Jason and I’s. But I think the main reason for that was because I jumped from divorced to in a relationship within a month. And that right there is my problem.

Up until this last few months I never gave myself time to sit back and feel the “hurt”. I jumped from relationship to relationship never giving it more then 30 days in between. I didn’t want to feel unloved, I didn’t want to feel hurt. I felt it but I had someone to lean on of the opposite sex and I leaned SO much that I never processed it fully.

Lets see, so its been a little over 9 months since Boone and I broke up. Yay for me. I plan on keeping that single status for a while longer. It’s a lot easier to sort stuff out in your head when you don’t have new stuff coming in.




Ian and his T&A


So today we finally had Ians appointment with a ear, nose and throat dr. And in a matter of minutes we learned that Ian really was having a hard time hearing and that his tonsils really are huge. So his appointment is on the 27, 13 short days. I am nervous but its for the best. I did have to giggle though when reading the papers about it. T&A all over it……..giggle.

Not much has changed around here. I am staying busy which is probably a damn good thing. October is a hard month for me. Its the month that, 2 years ago, I realized something wasnt right. Funny thing, the 27th will mark the 2 year anniversary of Jason leaving me (the first time), 37 week pregnant. My life was so different then, I was such a different person. Well I suppose I was always myself but I certainly lost the part that made me ME.

And in a matter of a week and change I will have been single for 6 months. 6 months people, thats a huge milestone for me. Its something that I go back and forth on actually. My relationship after my divorce was all over the place and therefore I was all over the place. But since that ended I have been a-okay. Its funny how someone elses stresses can bring you so far down. Its been freeing to say the least. But I still miss Boone, in a friendship sorta way but it seems friendship just wont ever be.

So most of the time I am okay with just me and the kids but occasionally I am just plain lonely. I suppose I am at that lonely stage right now. :/

Which brings me to a funny. Poor Jason, I drug him through so much crap. Seriously people dont know the half of it. He babbied me in every way possible and one of those ways would be rubbing my back at night to go to sleep. I am sure he is more then happy to no longer have to deal with that…well now I do. lol. Ian wont go to sleep until I rub his back. I know when I tell Jason this he will chuckle.

And with that I am out for the night.




So there I was, standing at the end of a long hallway.


It seemed much longer then it did years ago. And it was white, bright white, no carpet, no tan colored bricks, no leaking ceiling. “Go to the little gym” she said. I said okay and headed that way, the little gym, I know where that is. And I entered, it was familiar but not, it was bigger. Walls had been knocked down for actual seating, ha. After learning that I had a few minutes to waste I took a walk and yes, got a little teary eyed. I walked down halls that I had walked many times before, walked past the chemistry lab that we had caught on fire. The choir room that I had a faint memory of. Then on to the yearbook room that had boarded windows for years, boards are of course no longer there. Then past Mr. Herring’s old room, and that English teachers room that people dreaded. Past the principal’s office, up the stairs I had tripped over a few times. Then past the outside door to the portables where us girls once frolicked in the snow. Past Ms. Patton’s.  Then the end of the hall, the ramp down to the cafeteria was gone. And the windows that were once knocked out by friends were now sealed. No more hallway up to the shop, I think it now ends at where Ms. Barnes old room was, remember those over priced cookies? Ha.

So I turned around and took at turn at the hallway with the library. It was still there, not near as many books though. Across from that, remember the little area with trees and grass? Yeah that one, it looks like crap now. I made it to the end of that hall and made my way towards the band room. Carpets gone, now its just tiled floor and white walls. It looked the pretty much the same, I could see myself in that room. I suppose its where I spent a good deal of time. I wandered through the doors to see if the auditorium looked like. It hadnt been touched, it was tore up. Its a shame too. Walked down the aisle and turned to looked at the stage, I remember all the plays and concerts like yesterday.

Then I circled back around to the little gym, told Chris about what all had changed and how weird it was for me to be there. It was so freaking weird, its like part of my past, my so familiar past was just up and moved around. It was a stroll through memory lane that I needed. Even though it was completely different I could still see the halls crowded with people from years ago, I was a teenager again.

Chris took pictures of the staff while I wrote down all their names and positions, and a hand full are still there. We packed up and went across to the new high school to drop off some proofs. Walked down the hallway where all their panels are hung on the wall. Maybe it was because I have made the darn things, I dont know, but it was awesome seeing all the previous years seniors. We walked to the 98 panel and I pointed myself out, Chris said I looked different. Well yeah, its amazing what a marriage, 2 kids, a divorce and a heaping spoonful of depression can do to you. 11 years ago I never would have imagined my life as it is now.

So yeah, that was my day. It was cool. I took some picture with my phone…see….

The door at the end of the little gym is the door to the band room. The old room where debate was is no longer.




Multiple times a day,


I think to myself a new blog. Unfortunatly I never type it up. Last January I got this url and server space intending to move my myspace blogs over. Occasionally I would work on it but after moving a few blogs over I became tired of it. I stopped blogging cause I didnt want to move even more blogs from myspace to here. I didnt post them here because I didnt want to link to the site until I had all the blogs moved over. lol. Now they are all moved. woot!

I have been going to counciling for a little over 3 months now (I think) and its helped tremendously. So much so that now I just go every 4 weeks. I have learned to better deal with the everything. Learned that its okay to be sad, to mourn, to be angry etc. I need to allow myself those feelings, for said amount of time and then move on. It was the moving on that I had a problem with.

So the 23rd will mark my 3 month single anniversary. Its a big thing for me, longest I have ever been single. And its nice, lonley at spurts but a whole lot easier on my nerves.

I am going to school in the summer, summer I was math and History II and Summer II (now) is just a math class. Also working part time with awesome people doing stuff I love. Kids are doing great (well except Ians sick again). Hopes saying new words every day and insists on her hair being done. Ians busy coloring/crafting and talk talk talking up a storm.

We have officially gotten things under control. Same routines, etc. Jason and I are doing fantastic, our co-parenting is something I think we should both be very proud of. It certainly reflects in the kids.

After reposting all the blogs I realized how much I love it and I am a little sad that I havent been doing them for the last 6 months. But from here on out I am aiming for at least weekly.

The sites not prettied up, I seem to have forgotten a great deal of my coding skills but I have a rough idea of what I want. My myspace blogs were half butt moved over so even though a comment box appears you cant leave a comment. Go down to the actual comment link for wordpress.

And lastly,

welcome to Story About A Girl!





Current mood:  blank

Tuesday, the day after the last promise broken, I said we needed to talk before we went to Portales. Promised to stay over Thursday and that he would be sober.
Wednesday, texted after 2am…didnt talk of course.
Thursday, after sitting in the truck for over 30 minutes (assuming he was sobering up) he stumbles in the door. I am sick and every touch shook me more awake. Now its almost one am, I am wide awake and dont care to be around the wine and rum breath….
Sleeping on the couch (or in the kids room with Ian), yet another promise broken.
I am so stupid.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
oh, hun! you are NOT stupid! you are a woman in love. if things keep going this way that will change though. i know your heart is broken by this…
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 9:39 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Sara is right…you are not stupid, you are learning about you and what it does to both your lives, but he isn’t looking or he would have, or at least tried to honor your request.

You keep giving him chances in hopes that he will surprise you with himself.

Well suprise! Sorry!
It is a horrible disease and if started at a young enough age it usually ruins a persons life and drives the good people around them away or ruins their lives too. Do you ever watch the Intervention programs on tv? Most of those don’t work really unless the person honestly wants to change for themselves and I underline for themselves, no one else. You see all the loving, caring family and friends that are hurt and…blank. Have you heard of being co-dependent? Something that might interest you if you ever have time to read.

And it is so hard when you truly care about someone to put yourself in the middle of their problems hoping you can pull them up a little, and lose.

Keep you head up! It isn’t your fault.
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:37 PM



No Parking Stopping OR Standing


If you have made it here congrats, this is one of those lovely little preferred list blogs. It will probably be opened at a later date but right now I would rather it not be.

Today was my first day of counseling and it was much needed. I finally got caught up on all my school work and was feeling pretty good. Went in to counseling and we talked, went over touchy things from my past but I kept it together…at least until we got on self image.

I knew I had a problem with the way I perceived myself but I have always managed to keep it well hidden. I am not a fan of the 50 plus pounds I have gained since getting pregnant with Ian but I didnt realize just how bad I was about it.

So I need to work on loving myself, yeah yeah, cheesy but its true.

I am going through hella depression right now. Like nothing I have ever gone through before. I am finding it incredibly hard to get out of bed and go to school, in total this semester I have missed 3 weeks of classes most of those occurring after spring break. When I do drag myself out of bed, into clothes and to school I find myself drifting off to sleep while driving. Well I haven’t fallen asleep but I am damn close.

I get home and want to do nothing. I have projects out the butt and I cant seem to get them done, laundry piles (which is fine cause we all have a ton of clothes but it sucks doing 8 loads in a day) homework and studying are shoved to the side because I cant think straight to do it.

I think I threw up at least once every day last week. Just nausious and fainty feeling and in a little zone drifting from place to place but paying no attention to the surroundings.

And I have once again taken Boone back and I dont know why. I know I love him and I know he loves me and when we are together (sober) its great. He tells me how beautiful I am and how wonderful I am, etc.

But then it never fails that he goes out and drinks on a night that he was supposed to be over here. I keep being second to drinking. I know it, it keeps happening yet I keep going back.

Its piles up in my heart, I get tired of it and I leave him. I get shit on cause I left him and he is depressed. Suddenly becoming not worthy of his love and being threatened by new people that never seemed to matter before. But maybe its cause the friends that have always mattered arent surprised and just roll their eyes, just another sob story of Boones.

So I am sitting here waiting for the backlash of the latest of HIS screwup. Me not being understanding enough because he broke a promise to me once again and it was dealing with alcohol once again.

I just wish he would get his act together. He goes on the attack when he is drunk and it sucks ass being the target. I have somehow taken the burden of him drinking out on me. Like I feel
I need to help him with it, keep a constant nagging eye on him which
makes maters worse. Its not my responsibility to keep him sober yet I
refuse to be around him when he is drunk. Ugh…

He also seems to think that pointing out that others have problems and therefore they dont have the right to talk. But we all have problems, we all have issues but I (cant speak for the rest of the world) am doing my part to help figure it out.

I am constantly going over past shit, sorting it in my head, facing it and trying to change. Boone cant see that cause he didnt know me when I was married but Jason sees it clear as day and so do close friends. I have control issues and this is something I cant control. I want him to straighten up, everyone that REALLY cares about Boone wants him to but I cant be the one to show him the light.

He keeps asking for patience but at what expense?

I am terrified of the shitty blog from Boone to come…

Previous Post: Death happensBack to Blog List | Next Post: Ians birthday Party

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I know and can relate…that is why I am where I am. I am hoping you can share these feelings in one of your sessions, I know what will be said, and I am sure you do to… it isn’t easy to change how we are. We live off their illness thinking WE can make them change! NOT! Then it is hard to take care of ourselves.

Patience won’t fix him. He is who he chooses to be and you can’t stop that, and if you really are terrified of a letter…let him go! You have two kids that need you more than he does. I know that fear! It put a knife in my hand and very close to doing something that would have put me in prison if Harley hadn’t taken me out of the house four years ago.
Don’t do anything that would get CPS involved if you love those kids! Nothing is worth having our children taken away or spending time in a nut house or prison!
You can’t keep him sober, and you can’t watch him all the time, and you can’t be alone! It is so stressful to even remember these things. Don’t let anyone take your happiness away. Don’t forget who you are! Take care of you that is what’s important.
You are still in transition carrying a large burden with school, and pushing yourself!
The past his a history on how we got to where we are now, that is all, and there is nothing we can do to change it, except maybe to use it as a lesson on how we can walk better each day.

I’ve got 30 years of journals that terrify me to think that I let myself, and my child, be put through the things that I did! I’d hate for you to wind up the same way!

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:27 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
P.S.

We accept the way they are…or we don’t, and both ways is a hard road to travel…

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails…

So, how do we judge what love is

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:57 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
Juli,

You are such a beautiful woman. You work so hard for your little ones. You are the world to them. You deserve the best! The comment before me sums up love.
You deserve that!

Wishing I was closer…

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 8, 2009 – Wednesday – 8:16 AM
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Good grief


I love it when people attack me when they dont even know me. The people that knew Boone and I and our relationship (talking about people here that have known Boone and I since we were in high school) understand this big upheaval. Its not the least bit surprising to them that this happened.

We attacked each other verbally, he said shitty stuff and I said shitty stuff back. Why is that hard to understand? What relationship ends in a happy farting sunshine attitude. People were hurt and when people are hurt they start attacking. I know at least one of OUR mutual friends attacked him but you know what, she knew him. She has known him for years, the ups and downs she fucking KNOWS Boone.

Its shitty what she said but she was defending her friend. She has been in the middle of it all and witnessed some of it as well, she wasnt pulling hateful words out of her ass for the sake of pulling hatefull words out of her ass.

She was trying to get through to a friend and maybe she did.

The people that have really known us know that us together was a great thing and are sad for US that it didnt work out. But they are the people that know the both of us and have seen the growth that we both have had this past year.

And I would like to make it clear that I didnt keep Boone from Victoria and he wasnt trying to say I did.

The only person I have to apologize to is Boone and the only person he has to apologize to is me. We seem to have moved on from the mess and are working on us. Would be great if everyone else did too (is that the correct too, lol).

And its so much more then myspace drama, if you dont like it dont fucking read it. Toad, snort. Seriously.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
too- as in also yes…I love the visualization of pulling hateful words out of the arse.
I do believe that is the true origin of everything foul!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 9, 2009 – Monday – 12:49 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
ummm, I guess maybe some people have never been in a relationship [?] and maybe they don’t understand the highs and lows and breaking up stuff… hmmmm

Well good luck with that =]

BTW, I loved that you added the snort, a great touch.
Who knew you were so poetic? =]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 9, 2009 – Monday – 5:47 PM



Hate is such a strong word


In all my numerous blogs, through all the major ups and downs only once do I recall saying that I hated someone and that someone was Jason. At the time it was pure frustration, I stumbled upon a picture of him and Nicole and I lost it and point blank stated that I hated him.

Did I really hate him? No. But I have hated things he has done. The feeling of hate came and went within hours.

Hate is such a strong word, its deep and it stings to the core. I have a reason to hate people but I dont. I am actually thankful of the crap that has happened, its pushed me along and made me a stronger person.

To hate someone is to give that someone your energy and at my lowest points I needed all the energy I had so why waste it on hate?

I never said I hated Boone, thats silly. I also never said I didnt love him anymore and whether or not he still loves me is no concern of mine.

I wish him the best. I hope he can get himself the help he needs, the help he knows he needs.

I so need a break after this looooong week.




Angry words


I understand the coping mechanism that people have when the shit seems to hit the fan but going so far as to say that I dont know what love is nor do I deserve it well thats way to far. Just because I came to the conclusion that my relationship with Boone would always have tension and therefore shouldnt continue I now dont deserve love and any love that I supposedly had towards him is now false love.

We simply didnt see the world through the same glasses, we had different views on parenting, live very different lifestyles and our religious views are completely opposite.

I “need” sex to reconnect, to share that special bond with someone. I dont think with my clit and he is an asshole for even having that cross his mind. I dont have disgusting disease that would sacrifice his well being, I had a yeast infection. He didnt seem to care that I had it when he was drunk and once again attempted to force me into doing something I didnt want to do.

And because of all those things I broke, I realized it wouldnt work and I lost trust in him yet again when it came to drinking. Comparing my desire to reconnect (which duh, relieves stress) is in no way on the same level as him needing a beer to cope. To compare the two is laughable which is why I got up and left the room.

That and his ride was there, his ride…lol 32 yo boy needing a ride to get from place to place. When I said it was over on the phone I didnt mean you were calling to try to get the relationship back I mean that, well, you are dead to me.

So swiftly things change. You are a mean person and you know it and you have for years. Notably I am being childish and blocking him, his profile is private and I would rather not have a chance to read mean stuff about me again.

Thats the last I will speak of it.




Just because it will get deleted when he sobers up, dumbass


Monday, March 02, 2009

..
……….

..


Current mood:  pissed off
Category: Romance and Relationships

..

YOU give your soul to someone,they don’t want it.They want you to
satisfy thier needs without any consideration of your own.My recent
split with someone I whole-heartedly love seems to have turned from not
my fault to “I didn’t love her enough.Because I would not fuck her
every time she wanted to relieve stress,I am the bad man.I will
not speak the words and ways she has belittled me(I probably don’t know
the half of it).I will not take any blame for what she chose to do.She
mistakes “fuck me when I want it” as a declaration of love.Not even
close.Get your mind out of your clit.Grow up!There is more to love than
daily orgasms.If you would give life(or living) an honest try you will
learn that.As for me,”Why waste time with someone who does not love
me”,you never did.You loved the way I made you feel after your loser
husband dumped you for a worthless hooker.Now that that relationship is
almost over,what?
As
lost as you were as a sapling,just have more leaves to rob the sunlight
from everything else.I am not at fault!You can tell whoever you want it
was me.It is a lie.You created the problem.Love is about
comprimise.Something you are not willing to accept.How dare you make me
feel bad for not wanting to be exposed to something I knew to be
harmful.You even tried to blame me for it.Hell,you probably still
do.That denial of faith in me ruined any faith I entertained about
you.You were not worthy of true love.I doubt you will ever be.Strike me
all you want,maybe you won’t.I know I didn’t fuck-up.

——————–

Thats Boones Blog obviously and I am taking it. Poor Boone, he is always blaming everyone else yet not taking blame for himself. Its true, I like sex. lol But if he is so naive to think that THATS what the breaking point was, well so be it.

Drunken Boone, crying into his bottle at night blaming the world for his problems. I am weak and cannot deal and it was Boone that got me through everything and I never once took Boones needs into consideration. Yup, it was all about me. I admit it, how very selfish of me.

And my looser ex husband, looser in what sense? That he is a drunk, doesnt own a car, house or have a license? Or that he cheated on me, you would know what cheating on someone would be like wouldnt you?

Your views are skewed dear Boone, everyone sees it but you. I have never claimed to be perfect and realize I brought my own baggage along. But you really need to sort through yours. Try to talk shit on me, try it, you will be laughed at even more so then you already are.

Oh and SPACES go after your PERIODS. Its really fucking annoying the way you type.

Peace love and tacos…oh and SATAN.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Why does that always seem to get in the way! Some of us can take the responsibility and step up to ownership of our actions… but I find, especial under the influence, others can’t OR WON’T! It is truly hard to understand what happened between the sexes.
Some people are really sick, and some are just plain assholes!
Boone’s does sound so poetic, or is that melodramatic?
Good luck!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:32 AM
[Reply to this]

therefore i am
Its the thespian coming out in him. Wish I had his previous blogs, they were all mostly the same but blaming his ex girlfriend or his long time friend. Same story over and over again. He has major abandonment issues which is something I can relate to but I certainly never went to the extremes he does.

Right after he posted the blog he called me stating that he didnt say anything mean about me (or something of that matter).

Its childish and stupid, on both our parts. But my frustration over the situation pushed me to post back knowing that he will delete it sooner then later.

Posted by therefore i am on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:42 AM
[Reply to this]

?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
Well, I think I may be at a loss for words! =] I love you Juli! If you need an ear, let me know.
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 9:04 AM
[Reply to this]

<G>
Denile is a sad thing, but the ones with the biggest egos usually can’t see the forest from the trees.
Posted by <G> on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 10:49 AM
[Reply to this]



Ugh


So before the kids left for Jasons they were sick but on there way to doing better. Hope had a horrible diaper rash but that got cleared up  (another appeared all over her body though) but Ian just got worse and worse, Jason should have taken him in to the doctor but didnt…

So upon picking them up at daycare on Monday I realized that they both needed a trip to the doctor. So we headed there yesterday morning.

Hopes got a double ear infection and the rash that popped up all over her body was a strep rash, makes since.

Ians got tonsillitis, bronchialitis, and an ear infection in the left ear. He kept coughing and coughing and nothing was helping and what explains it is that his tonsils and uvual are so swollen that the uvual is stuck to the tonsil and the irritation keeps him coughing. Tonsilitis keeps comming up so I am thinking they will probably have to be removed…fun.

And since they both have two different things I had the pleasure to keeping them away from each other for 24 hours. Thats done and over with though and they seem to be getting better already.

Boone and I are staying in tonight. I dont recall doing anything for newyears since 2001 and this year wont be any different. Although we are both looking forward to having a night in with each other. Can you belive that, Boone is looking forward to not going out and just being with me. hehehe

Look at his super sweet blog from Christmas…it makes me all giddy so I am passing it along.

I LOVE JULI!!! You know why? (don’t answer) She is awesome. She understands my problems, and if she doesn’t, she tries to. She asks. Not only that, She can love me thru all my faults (none of which are even close to what I have done in the past.) She is Kind, Giving, and Intelligent beyond her years. She is the type of woman every man dreams of. If you knew this woman as intimate as I do you could understand. If you are her ex-husband,YOU FUCKED-UP.
I am straying from the point.
JULI IS MY LOVE! May she always be so in my life!!!

?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
awe…. so sweet!

i wish the kids were feeling better!! i guess it is the daycare thing huh? better to get it over with now that to wait till kindergarten i guess!!!

hope they feel better soon!!!!

=]=]=]




Where the fuck is notepad?


I need to clean up my desktop and start backing up my computer. My poor desktop, I cant find a thing on it and what makes it worse is that there is a file on it that has almost 2gb that needs to be sorted as well. Ack.

Anywho, this past week has been interesting. Boone and I have pretty much spent every moment together since last saturday night since Jason had the kids the whole time…plus he had off wed, thur, and friday. SOOOO that meant lots of us time which was good.

This Christmas will go down as one of the worst (aside from Boone of course). For all 28 years my Christmas eves were spent with one side of the family and it was usually the only time of the year that everyone would come over. Well this year it was supposed to be at my house and no one, at all, showed up. So that got me rather depressed. The kids were here but Ian was asleep sick on the couch the whole time and really didnt want to open presents. Then again mom was sick as well and I didnt want to open them without her.

She was all depressed about it too but its not like we live out of town and just had to do it that day. Anywho, we will have Christmas tonight and that should help.

Jason bought a car, a brand new car. On one hand it infuriates me because the kids dont really have insurance (they have medicaide but I cant find a doctor that will take us). He could get them insurance but he says its too expensive. I am fairly positive he hasnt looked for just the kids though and getting anything done that isnt about school seems to always miss his list.

BUT having a car will be a good thing. That means he can hopefully come a little earlier and stay a little later on his weekends. It also gets him a step closer to moving in on his own and away from bi polar beast. Although I honestly dont think he will ever be able to get away from her, after all who else would make sure she takes her 6 pills a day and talk her to sleep. Bleh, insert puking emotion here.

Boone (and me) finally finished super mario galaxy. I bought it last year for Jason for Christmas so its a little funny to be playing it this year, around Christmas, with my boyfriend.

All in all this was just a change. For years its been one way with my family, not anymore. For years its been one way with my husband and kids, not anymore. For years its been excitement to see certain people and talk to people and pig out on stuff that I shouldnt and well, not anymore. I think if it had been just a divorce and my family still coming together I would have made it through a lot better but since everything seems to have fallen through the cracks it makes it that much harder.

So on that note I plan on doing things differently next year, much differently. I am glad I did have boone to go through it with me though. I know I would have been even more of a basket case without him.

I cant wait till the end of the month when school starts back up, I can get my new mac, a couch and plan our one year anniversary. Should be fun. This months break is nice but I miss my school friends and having something challenging to do on top of life its self.

I am looking forward to getting the kids back though, its been so long and I am getting anxious with them being gone so long.

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
have you tried dr. okogbo? he had my kids when they were on medicaid. he is pretty good to.

anyways, sorry christmas wasn’t great… that sux!

hope things look up =]=]=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on December 29, 2008 – Monday – 4:58 PM
[Reply to this]

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
uHHH, LET’S SEE…NOTEPAD IS…unnnn, ya, all programs, accessories, ya, ya! Never use it!
Posted by Always Màthair on December 29, 2008 – Monday – 7:21 PM
[Reply to this]



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