Its killing me not being able to blog


Going on almost 2 weeks of majorly smashed up laptop screen and its really getting under my skin. I just got a new cord yesterday and sadly I will take my tiny viewing space over my parents slow butt 28.8 dial up connection. It took me 49 minutes the other day to order the new cord and a new lcd.

For some odd reason I totally brainfarted on the fact that I can hook the laptop up through s video…the really really odd thing is that Boone reminded me today that I could. So I connected it and got the pictures from the past 2 weeks off my computer (which I will post when I have a new lcd) but for now I will post a lone pic of my laptop screen…

Sad huh?

I really have nothing new to say. Still not officially divorced and I am sure it will be that way for a while. Jasons attorney seems to have rode the short bus to school (she wears flip flops and hot pink bras to court AND has a hotmail email address, snort) so I am sure it will be a while before anything is typed up.

I have spent the entire weekend at home which strangly I havent minded at all. I keep having these odd dreams about legos because of this addiction that I have to my lego indiana jones game. Poor Boone gets drooled on at night, what is with me and drooling in my sleep? I guess I just sleep that well.

Ians doing decently well with putting himself to sleep though the attitude he strikes occasionally is getting rather old.

Hopes doing weird sleep things again, where she sleeps for really long stretches. Crawling all over the place, from one end of the house to the next. I have yet to find something that she doesnt want to eat.

I have had a stomach ache and a head ache for the past few days, dont know why but it sucks.

I think I am going to sleep now even though Boone and Caleb should be here within the hour. I am so freaking tired and I feel like crap. And no I am not pregnant (thats like REALLY impossible) but I feel like it in the “sick and worn out first trimester crapstastic feeling” sort of way.

This blog is the most random blog I have ever left…

Oh yeah, comment people! I know you people read these because I get a ton of hits after I post one. I think you can even comment even if your arent on my friends list…hmm…to lazy to check that at the moment.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Sorry bout your laptop. Hope you get it fixed soon. We all have the blah days-it gets to be like that after a rush of emotion and so much going on. All of a sudden you sit there thinking what the heck am I going to do now? Things will get going soon, meanwhile, enjoy it. What is it about slow ass attorneys?
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 27, 2008 – Sunday – 3:04 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
i love the updates on the family… they are great.

i almost fell out of my chair laghing when you described how professional jasons attorney is. that is some pretty good reading right there…=]
=]
=]

sorry about your laptop that sux!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 27, 2008 – Sunday – 3:20 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
A bimbo divorce lawyerette…very appropriate attire for the court room. Win your case while you look at me pink underooz!
So what happened to your laptop anyhow?
Sorry you are not feeling well, I hope you are ok! Anytime I hear about people being sick I pray that they don’t get what I have! I know how you are feeling! It might be the heat, it always makes me sick! I do much better at night…in the dark.

YOU DROOL!!! EWWWWWW! Could that be used like a, you rock, or you suck kind of thing?

I saw you put Boone on your friends list, I had to click on him…didn’t get much since it’s private, but I found the picture of the last supper very disturbing! My first thought was sin eaters, then I noticed other things…interesting rendition.

Well, hope the kids settle, and your ills settle and the divorce GETS settled soon.
Sue

Posted by Always Màthair on July 27, 2008 – Sunday – 5:53 PM
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Life is good


So I go in and get Hope from her nap today to discover that she has stripped her diaper off. 7 months old and she has already figured that part out.  She is already impossible to change, she flips over and crawls away as soon as she is put on her back. She is progressing right along, sitting up, saying mama and trying to mimic anything else that she can (including coughs and sneezes).

Ians doing great. He cleaned up the living room tonight with  no arguments at all. He is even putting himself to sleep. Well he almost is, I give him and hug and a kiss goodnight and tell him to go lay down and he makes it about halfway (meaning the bathroom) and lays down and goes to sleep. So after 30 minutes or so I pick him up and lay him down in bed. The goal of course is to get him to lay down IN his bed and fall asleep but its baby steps. And no, I dont feel the least bit bad or guilty that he falls asleep on the floor, it was alway my favorite sleeping spot when I was a kid.

So the divorce is in just a few days and I am a bag of mixed emotions. To hear that its over, officially (as in now I check a different box) over is going to be hard as hell. I know its over, part of me knows it was over from the moment we said “I do” but the other part of me still loves him and I know that I always will but just in a different way.

I feel like the hate, frustration, jealousy, loneliness, depression, grief, anxiety, bitterness that I have felt since October will finally have a chance to be laid to rest.  But at the same time the joyful, happy, loving, outgoing Juli is finally getting herself back with the help of awesome friends and family.

So right now life is good…no wait, its awesome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, so I went to move Ian from the floor to the bed and he had already done it. Awe.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Ian and Hope are too cute. I will be thinking about you over the next few days. Take care and hats off to you for moving on. Life IS AWESOME.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 14, 2008 – Monday – 8:11 PM
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So yesterday was my birthday


I am not a fan of holidays or days centered around me. To many years where things have just gone to poo. I even had a few years go by where no one told me happy birthday, not even my parents. All the years Jason and I were together nothing special was ever done, no gifts or dinners out with just the two of us.

This year was different. Right after midnight Boone called to wish me a happy birthday along with saying I love you a good 20 times. I went to sleep that night beaming.

Woke up still as happy as could be knowing he would be over sometime after 6 so we could go out to dinner. Right after 5 he walks in and hands me my present. I open it and its the wii version of lego indiana jones. He knew I wanted mario kart but couldnt find it (its hard to find still) so opted for the other that he knew I mentioned a while back ago.

So sweet, he actually listened to me babble on about something, took mental note of it and bought it for me.

Anywho, we got ready to go to Fridays to meet the girls for dinner. We sat and talked for almost 2 hours, even had my birthday ice cream. I am so dense that when they people came out with ice cream I was looking around to see who else was having a birthday.

Finished eating (Boone bought dinner as well) and me ang and him went to r and r to sit for a bit before going back home.

Came home and we talked for hours (this is nothing new).

That was my birthday and it was wonderful.

Tomorrow is lunch with Sarah.

Saturday night we are going out to celebrate it some more…starting at r and r around 9 and then who knows from there.

6 days till d day.

sarah

sarah groves
whoohoo! i made it in a blog! glad your birthday was rad!
Posted by sarah on July 9, 2008 – Wednesday – 8:30 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
oh juli!!!!

i am soo sooo sooo happy for you!! congratulations!!

sounds like you guys had great fun!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 9, 2008 – Wednesday – 8:36 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Glad your birthday was a great and memorable one! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 10, 2008 – Thursday – 10:59 AM
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Turning a bad into a good


So Friday started off stress full. We had planned on going to the pool with Donna, Kimberly, Kimberly’s friend and Boone and Victoria. I figured if Victoria came then it would give Ian something to do instead of standing around with two people with 2 babys. But Boone had to cancel but we went ahead and went.

For a little bit it was okay but its hard to relax and have a good time when you are holding a baby and watching a crazy 4 year old. We eventually left and I was looking forward to a kid free weekend, I NEEDED it badly.

Got home and right when we were stepping into the shower to wash the chlorine and sunscreen off Jason called to cancel. I was livid, I needed a break and Ian already knew he was going to see his dad (we prep for it on a calendar which we will no longer do). We were all upset, not a good day at all.

Saturday proved no better. Threw a pity party on the phone to various friends wallowing in what my life had become. It was not a good thing and I hate it when the situation overwhelms me so much that I cant even function.

Sunday I woke up and told myself that it would be a better day. Called mom and asked her to watch Hope that night while Ian and I went to wonderland since it was the cheap 10 buck night.

So we went and we had a blast. I dont know if the park has always been that craptastic or if it was just never noticed as a kid but the regular price they charge is ridiculous. I already have an annoyance for PD though, ever since he fired me…bastard, with a police escort and all.

Ian rode all sorts of things, things that made Jason sick a few years ago. He is so ready for Six Flags. Hardly any lines too. I was so proud of him. We really ended the weekend with the bang that brought us closer together.








The rest of the pics are in the June 08 album.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
oh yay!!

so good to hear you guys got to have a great time!!

wonderland IS alot better when you experience it with your babies!!

i am so happy your weekend ended well!!!!

=]=]

lots of luv!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 30, 2008 – Monday – 10:51 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It’s amazing what a good laugh on a silly little ride will do for your body and soul!
Posted by Always Màthair on June 30, 2008 – Monday – 5:55 PM
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Number one and two


The top two stupidest things to ever come out of Jasons mouth…

Number one: When asked why he slept with Nicole?
Answer “It was finals week and I was stressed. You wouldnt even kiss me (btw, wasnt even 3 week postpartum). You know how physical of a person I am Juli.”

Guess since he had already fucked up he felt the need to keep sleeping with her over and over again. Eeewwww that she knew he was sleeping with me too. Oh wait, she probably thinks she had him all to herself. Newsflash homewrecker, Jasons a very physical person. lol

And Number two:When asked why he wasnt coming up this weekend (after the previous 4 excuses weren’t covering it).
Answer “Its just not worth it”.

Score one point for team dipshit.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
Well I could go on and on about my thoughs and feeling of this guy, but it would not be very nice nor would it be positive…

So I will just say, if you ever need and ear, you have my number…

lots of luv~~

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 28, 2008 – Saturday – 12:28 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I worked with a girl years ago that had personalized license plates on her car. I had to ask her what it ment…duh?

MNRSCM

Still makes me laugh!

Posted by Always Màthair on June 28, 2008 – Saturday – 2:19 PM
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This is what I have to deal with when it comes to Jason


> On Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 11:54 PM, Juli Why wrote:
>>
>> So I got my letter today saying when the divorce is. Kind of a bummer
>> that its on your dads birthday.
>> Anywho, see you Friday (or Saturday). Just a heads up, both kids are
>> going with you.
>>
>> Juli

On Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 8:13 AM, Jason Groves wrote:
> I have to take a late bus because I have a final on Friday. Which means
> that I will not be in town until (at the earliest), well after Hope goes to
> sleep. So as far as taking Hope for Friday night, you’ll have to talk to
> Mom and Dad.

> On Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 1:09 PM, Juli Why wrote:
>>Whatever Jason. I will ask them, sure seems like you want to take an
>>active role in being a father to your daughter.

Jason Groves to me

show details 3:28 PM (2 hours ago)

Reply

That’s simultaneously disingenuous and insulting.

You already know that I don’t think she should be staying overnight for more than a night. Additionally, you know that I’m in school, with no car, and only able to take buses.

If it were possible for me to reschedule my final (and I tried, it is not), then I would have. But it isn’t, so I have to wait on the buses. Which means I’m leaving late Friday at the earliest.

I will be in town. I will be there as early as is possible for me to be there.

And mine…

Juli Why to Jason

show details 6:23 PM

Reply

I am glad it got to you because seriously Jason, I wonder sometimes if
you want anything to do with her at all.

And no, a half assed blip of a “only one night” isnt really a
discussion. You dont take the time to talk to me about how the kids
were when they stay with you so I pretty much have to assume stuff.
Except when Ian tells me you cry, then I know you had a rough time.

You have NO idea what its like to parent two kids on your own. Feed
them, get them baths, get them to bed night after night. So sorry you
have to do it a whopping 4 days (at best) a month. I am doing
fantastically at it but I do want our kids to have a relationship with
you. I told you I would take Hope for a couple of hours on Saturday
for the transition to be easier, thats the last thing that was
mentioned.

You would think you would fight to see your children more but I swear
if it wasnt for your parents taking such an active role I dont think
you would see them all that much. It breaks my heart to hear Ian say
over and over again that he wants us back together and that he wants
you. For it to not even be on your radar speaks volumes to me. I dont
want you but its still his dream to have us together again. Obviously
he cant have that so the next best thing is for him to have you as
often as possible and the same applies for Hope. She might not be able
to say she wants you but she does, she misses you so you need to be
there for her. Being there for her includes being the first person she
see in the morning. Wink

Of course she misses me when I am gone but I am not the one that has
to establish a relationship with her. You do, you have to take the
active part otherwise you will just be some guy that she sees every
few weeks and I dont want it to be that way.

You know, you could pick up the phone and call me. You could discuss
what we should do with the kids but instead you send me cold short
emails. And I dont believe for one minute that you dont have time to
do so, its just that school is just SO much more important than
anything else. Always has been and always will be.

————————–

Boo fucking hoo to him. He would have nothing to do with Hope unless I pushed her on him. He is so distant towards her, brings her back to me and leaves her in the car seat. I am sure this wont end good but I am loosing my patience with him (is that obvious).

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
WoW…

So sorry to hear this is continuing to be difficult… I guess it always is.

I would like to say how well I think you handle things… It seems

you have been very patient and resonable with him… maybe he will realize

how much easier that makes the difficult situation.

=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 24, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:21 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Julie,
I know the kids don’t understand, be thankful for that, maybe you can find a way of explaining how people are in a way that Ian can cope with so he doesn’t think you are a bad person for not being with dad. Sadly what they see is mommie and daddy are not together, and not untill they get older will they really see what horrible things life can throw at them.
I know Harley would have had a hard time at that age dealing with a separation or divorce between his dad and I, but as he got older the wounds to him got greater and I have told him so many times how sorry I was that he had to deal with a man that was not truly a father to him.
It only got worse with the years. After two years I can walk away from him without feeling pushed or pulled and it was very hard from 30 years of emotional abuse! We learn from those things and hopefully move forward…it may come to a point that although the kids want to see dad, dad may distance himself from them when they are together and come to the point where he resents even having to take them. Don’t force the kids, and always talk to them about their visits to see if they are ejoying it, or hating it. ALWAYS TALK TO THEM! It isnt’ so important that Jason is in their lives if he can’t take the time to truly BE WITH them in all ways. Don’t let them become pawns in the struggle! Love them, protect them. YOu are their rock! The truth will come out with space.
Posted by Always Màthair on June 27, 2008 – Friday – 5:45 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
P.S.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

Posted by Always Màthair on June 27, 2008 – Friday – 5:48 PM
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Dear Parents…


Some day, when I grow big and have a chance to move out on my own and have kids and all, I will make sure that I follow the money because, really…thats all that matters. Never mind finding happiness, thats worthless unless the person makes at least 100k a month. No way could I get a career of my own and support myslef and the kids, I MUST have a man do it for me.

Oh wait…didnt I JUST have someone support me (actually he still is) for the past five years while I sat at home making babies and taking care of them? Maybe my goal in life is to be independent. And yes, I realize that I need to figure out what I want to do career wise and right now I have chosen graphic design, that will probably change over time.

But really. I love yall, and I appreciate you helping me out in this crazy time in my life. Its nice looking out my front door and knowing you are so close. Thanks mom for never inserting your foot in your mouth while having conversations with my ex while his girlfriend is sitting right next to him. A girlfriend that has a rather large mouth but nicely and quietly sat holding in her laughter.

Its nice that we have reconnected and you have both realized that the apple didnt fall far from the tree. And since you know this please understand why I will never seek wealth. You didnt raise me that way so 28 years after the fact you cant possibly think that I will all of a sudden change my tune.




July 15th, 1pm


Thats the date, thats when my divorce will be. I of course knew it was coming and I am looking forward to having it over with but its jarring to see a date to know that this really is happening.

Its almost 7 months to the day after he told me that he was in love with someone else. Time has flown by but at times it has stood still. Can yall believe its been 7 months already? Craziness!

1 month and 1 week shy of our 5 year wedding anniversary, I feel rather blah that we didnt even make it that long.

It will be 1 week after my 28th birthday.

Mark your calendars for the weekend after.




Fuck


Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Just when I think I am okay, moving forward. I dont know…HAPPY, I stop and realize just how much this whole situation is fucked up.

I hate you Jason Willice Groves, you lying adulterant piece of shit. I hope you rot in Hell right next to your worthless piece of shit whore of a girlfriend.

That is all…

And an hour and change later I feel much better. I still want to shake some sense into him. Can he not see what he is missing? Can he not see that he is being replaced? Does he even care?

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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Keep letting it out. It will help you in the long run. People do stupid things and what sucks is those who don’t deserve it have to experience most of the frustration while the offender just moves on like nothing ever happened. Don’t you worry, sooner or later he will get what is coming to him. He can’t play games forever. Take care and enjoy the beauty in your life now, you deserve happiness and so do your children. I am thankful you have found that my dear.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on June 18, 2008 – Wednesday – 9:53 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Give it about two years…seriously. That is how long it took me.
Don’t worry…be happy!
Posted by Always Màthair on June 18, 2008 – Wednesday – 5:54 PM
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Small update


This weekend was awesome, I got to go eat dinner with girlfriends, see desert devils and spend all day Sunday with the kids, Boone and Victoria. Ian and Victoria did awesome, some meltdown parts throughout the day but for the most part they did great. It was just a wonderful day spent with people that I love to pieces.

Hope is close to crawling, she manages to get one leg up under her and go forward but after thats she just rolls to where she needs to get. Really cute though although two kids running around the living room while she rolls about is rather scary. Her bottom two teeth are almost all the way in, so cute. This coming Saturday will be her first night away from me, she is spending Saturday night with Jason.

Ians doing a bit better behavior wise but this next weekend is Jasons weekend so I am sure we will have some reset time after that.

I am doing very good. I am being rewarded constantly in knowing that I can parent alone, its really not all that bad after all. I can now give everyone in the household a bath, at the same time. A feat that I thought would be impossible without someone to pass Hope off too. Another feat I thought impossible, even with Jason around was to have a third child. But I occasionally watch Victoria for Boone and the 4 of us do rather well. I am way out numbered arm wise but all 3 can fit on my lap just fine.

Its just awesome, everything is working out so much better then what I ever imagined it would. Bumps along the way, some days their are more bumps then others but we make it through it okay.

I dont think Jason will ever know just how much this divorce has done for me. Its pushed me into situations that I never imagined I would be pushed into and in every situation I have been pushed into I have come out a better person. Every day is a challenge but a welcome challenge.

Now all I need to do is loose all this weight I gained since having Ian.

I am a fatass,  I dont mind admitting it, I know I have got to loose this weight that I have gained in the past 4 years. So I got me a wii fit, nothing better then having a video game tell you that you are obese and then plumping your mii up to where it looks like you could be rolled out the door.

I weight 211 pounds, yep thats right. I am FAT! But, I am doing something about it thanks to the wii and numerous workout videos. Why am I tell you all this? So you can ride my ass about being so overweight.

I learned tonight that I have excellent posture (my mii age is 27, I will be 28 in 1 month), I cant do a push up for crap, running without a bra is a BAD idea and that yoga actually is a workout.

This should be fun. 🙂




Just another hiccup along the way


Every once in a while I sit back and reevaluate this whole marriage/divorce thing. I am constantly trying to answer the whys so I dont end up in the exact same situation as before. I know a big part of Jason and I’s undoing had to do with me mimicking what I had been around my whole life…my parents.

I am not going to get into stuff that I hashed out back in October, some of yall know what I am talking about and some dont. I learned from it and did what I needed to do to fix that part. But today I remembered another thing that I was trying to get away from for so many years.

I love my dad, I really do. But sometimes he has this monster that comes out and its always scared the shit out of me. This is something that I tried to escape with Jason. Very very rarely was Jason flat out verbally mean to me, I mean very rarely (he insulted me often but I am not counting those times). It made me feel safe. I think thats why I freak out (on the inside) when Boone has a moment of not so happiness. I automatically start thinking that he is going to go off on me while I cower in the corner. At that moment in time I see it as horrible because I am expecting something thats not going to happen. That probably makes no sense to anyone but me…

At any rate I came home tonight, about 20 minutes after I should have been home. I looked at the clock and started heading out the door at 10 till but didnt leave until 15 after, how that happened I dont know.

Well I get to my parents house and dad just lays into me (while holding Ian). Telling me how he is not up my ass, how Boone needs to give me gas money  (he does plus its none of dads business anywho), how I need to park the car and stay at home, fucking this, dammit that, on and on and on. He storms out the door with Ian over to my house. I sat and talked to mom since she was giving Hope a bottle, about 7 minutes later he storms back in with Ian.

Says something about pajamas, I told him I never asked him to get him in pajamas. He goes off on me some more, tells me to shut the hell up multiple times, throw in some damns and fucks and he storms off again.

I just sat there with mom as we both stared at each other. Hope finished her bottle and she walked me over because I didnt want to be in the house with just dad.

This is what I ran from for 23 years, this is why I went for Jason. I knew he would never talk to me that way and I knew he would never ever do so in front of the kids. I took the first person I found that made me feel safe and I went for it only to be left 5.5 years later, with two kids living 35 feet from my parents, getting yelled at the same as before.

Shit shit shit…

When times like that happen I start planning my escape, the easy thing would to go get married and move away again but duh, that didnt work the first time and it surely wont work again.

Just another hiccup along the way, another realization as to why I am here and what I need to work through before I can really move on.

Sigh

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
that sucks!! i totally understand the whole… having to put up with parents cause they are helping out. its not that you are being ungrateful it just seems that they are sometimes irrational. and you start feeling trapped and that is THE worst feeling ever!!!

sorry that happend!

luvya lots!!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 6, 2008 – Friday – 10:53 AM
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The long weekend


So this weekend was loooooong, it usually is when Friday night is my night to go out. It started off decently well, Jasons dad came and picked up Ian, I went and picked up Boone at his moms house, drove to Hunters celebration of life and then we went to our all year high school reunion.

It was fun but we could have saved 20 bucks and hung out elsewhere with the same people. It was fun hanging out with Donna though. 😉

Saturday was a long, never ending day. Someone gave Boone a cough (could have been me or someone else) and he pretty much felt like crap the whole day. Hope was craptastic, she just would not nap even though she was so tired. She finally got some sleep when I dropped off Boone at the theater while Victoria and I went and got some food.

Sunday I woke up sad, you know those days when you just cry for no reason. I sat in Kirbys room and fed Hope for an hour before leaving his room and going into Boones to sulk some more.  He came in and hugged me which made me feel much better, on with the day I suppose. Drove back into town, dropped off Boone and Victoria. Hope and I drove to Angelas and we sat and talked a bit, drove and picked up Ian then we bought a few groceries.

Ians been a major turd ever since spending those 10 days with Jason. It seems that every answer to my question is a snotty “no” or he just plain talks back. A week and change ago he high tailed it on a tricycle to 6th street, he was maybe 20 feet from rolling onto the street before Boone caught up to him. That was a mess, him not listening to anyone is just not working so he has been in some deep shit since then.

He was doing better but yesterday after picking him up he started in with the no crap while at the grocery store. Grrr, its like I get him out of the habit then its Jasons week and he reverts right back into turd mode.

Anywho, we came home and he played outside until the sun was down. Hope was already asleep and I was just exhausted so when he came in I just got him in his jammies and had him sleep in my bed.

3:30 am I hear this disgusting sound of rushing water. I get up, flick on the light and sure enough he had thrown up all over the bed…all over. So I drag him out of bed, put him in front of the toilet and start ripping off sheets. I know, I know, the poor kid is covered in vomit and I am freaking out over my bed but dammit that stuff stank and I didnt want it seeping into my mattress. Did I mention that he knocked down the thing in the corner above the bed that held over 100 stuffed animals. So not only is massive amounts of puke on the pillows, covers and sheets its also all over multiple stuffed animals. Yucko. So I gather the nasty stuff, throw it in the laundry basket, sop up the vomit that went through the sheet and then go and clean him off. Get him all changed again, grab the baking soda, cover the nasty spots and then put a new sheet on. Vomit seeped through the duvet cover onto the feather down comforter so we couldnt sleep under that, the other duvet/comforter was in the other room so we slept with some throw blankets instead.

I dont know why puke always happens at 3am but I am proud of the way it was handled. Many times I have woken up to clean up vomit but I always had help, this time it was all me on the cleaning crew, it sucked but it wasnt all that bad.

Thank god the weekend is over. I normally look forward to them but this last one just seemed never ending and boy did it ever end with a bang.

Btw, Hope had her “first” solids earlier today, pics are in the June 08 album.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Juli, I know what you are going through with Ian’s mood changing after spending time with his father. My kids do exactly the same thing and when they come home we have two weeks to get them back to normal and into our routines, just in time to go back to doing whatever they like over there at their father’s house. It is frustrating and endless. Hopefully one way when the kids grow older they will figure it out and things will level off. Until then we can comiserate together.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on June 4, 2008 – Wednesday – 10:40 PM
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The last 24 hours


This is Jasons weekend and when no one had come to pick Ian up by 4 yesterday I called Jason to see what was up, he said he was on his way. So he walks in, Ian on my lap and Hope on the floor in front of us (we were all sitting on the floor). He came in and sat right in front of us, saying hello to Ian and picking up Hope (which he never does). It was sweet but she didnt react to him like she does with Boone, she lights up the room when he talks to her.

So anywho, we sat and talked and talked and talked…finally. It felt really good, the last time I really talked to him was before our custody hearing. The weekend after I was annoyed with him, I mean he did try to get away with not paying the extra 400 and I was just annoyed. The weekend after the custody hearing he walked into the house as if nothing had happened and asked if I needed anything (which is what he has always done before). I told him yes, hook up the cd player because I had no idea how to do it. He said sure and headed back to the bedroom to get the cords (I was on the phone at the time). I freaked out and told him to stop, that I would go get the cords. I freaked out because Boone was back in the bedroom and I didnt want him to see him. Ever since that day Jason has been off with me, that is until yesterday.

So yesterday, before he left, Boone called and at the end of the conversation (and it was obvious I was talking to Boone) Boone said I love you and habit, I said I love you back. Jason just looked at me, sort of empty-ish.

Before he left I told him that Hope has been waking earlier and to call when Ian wakes up so he can come get her. 8:45am and still no call so I called him. He sounded like crap, crap crap. I asked him if it was his sinuses and he said yes, among other things. Said he didnt sleep at all last night and that it would be better if I brought Hope over because he didnt trust himself to drive. So I packed her up and left.

I admit, on the drive over I had a million and one things going through my head. What if he wants me back, what if he tries to kiss me, what if the dream I had the other night (about him and Nicole splitting up) was true. So I get there walk in, he takes Hope and I ask him what is wrong.

He says its all just caught up to him, with school he was so focused on passing (he made a C in one of his classes, this is coming from someone that has always had a 4.0 or better) and that now that school is out its all just hit him and hit him hard. Said he was up all night puking, blah, blah, blah. I said “do you have any idea how many sleepless nights I have gotten, complete with puking, where I had to wake up and parent a newborn and a 4 year old all by myself?”. He said he knew and that he was sorry and thats why he said for me to bring Hope over even though he felt like crap.

I asked him how him and Nicole were and yes it was a genuine question. Being so everything with Boone, I kind of understand where Jason was at a few months ago. Being so in love with this other person yet obligated to me and the kids, its an odd position to be in and in order to heal and move on I have put myself in his shoes the best I can just to try to figure out the why and hows of it all. Anywho he admitted that things were okay but that they could be better.

Well of course its bliss and all when lust is the only thing thats driving you but when the world comes crashing in on you thats when a relationship will succeed or fail and I am thinking that fail is what is about to happen. I think he has known for a while now that I am happier now then I have been in years and I think yesterdays “I love you” just sealed it for him. He sees that I am moving on, happily. He sees that I can do this parenting thing on my own, I mean two kids down in less then 20 minutes at night, no way could he do that.

He told me time and time again that he just wanted me to be happy and that he was not the person that I could be happy with. He was right, he is right but now that its really happened I think he is taken back by it.

So no crying into my arms asking to be taken back, he is to prideful for that, but I know he is feeling it now and I know that he is just now looking around at what he is missing. I can see him staying with Nicole because he doesnt want to fail again. I pity her, I really do. Jason is so lost, what she fell in love with is not what she has now.

Btw, he had no clue that I hadnt received the child support until the 13th, his attorney said she would send it the next day. When I told him that she didnt send it until my attorney called her he was floored and apologized. The divorce should be sometime after mid June and he asked for the time to be set sometime in the afternoon so I dont have to get the kids up at 5am to drive to Lubbock.

So all in all I feel calm. I knew something was going on with him but he is just not the person to admit it until everything has already fallen apart which is exactly how we landed here in the first place. Its just going to happen again and again, everything is going to keep falling apart (relationships, jobs, etc) until he learns to be honest with himself and other people.

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
WoW!! you are such a great friend, even to this, we will say guy to be nice, guy who has betrayed you and your children and lied to you and been very… un-nice…

Juli you are such a strong and GREAT woman!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 29, 2008 – Thursday – 9:10 AM
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It worked


So tonight was the first night both kids slept in their room and it worked. 9 pm they were both dressed, Ian hopped into bed and I nursed Hope. She finished, I laid her down in her crib, sat back in the chair, Ian held my finger and they were both asleep in less then 17 minutes!

Lets hope this sticks, I have free time at night…woot.

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
yay!!!!

go you!!!!

congrats!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 19, 2008 – Monday – 9:40 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Sleeping alone can be bliss. Congratulations to you! I know you miss them but it helps everyone out in the long run. Here is to many more restful nights ahead! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on May 20, 2008 – Tuesday – 12:08 PM
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3 months



Current mood:  calm

So the 13th was the 3 month mark. Time, time has flown by but at times it has stopped in its tracks. The amount of growth I have done in these 3 shorts months has been amazing. I really  believe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me but at the same time it is still the  loss of a dream, but would that dream have ever even occurred?

I am fine a good 95 percent of the time but that other 5 percent is when all time stops, its as  if I look up and see everything falling and I just cant stop it. I revert back to what ifs and  start seeing occurrences that I KNOW were bad times in a different light, its like I try to trick  myself into thinking that the bad wasnt so bad and that it really would be better to just go  back to the way things were.

I know thats not true, I know in my heart that this divorce is best but when things start  getting out of control all I want is the familiar even if the familiar was curled up in bed  crying myself to sleep. I at least knew that. I at least knew Jason would come back. But you  know, the night before we split I did spend the night crying in bed and he touched me very softly with a finger mumbling nothings and in the morning he was gone, gone for good. So I  guess he didnt always come back, did he?

So I am rearranging the rooms and can I just say that moving a king memory foam mattress by  yourself just doesnt work. I think I can do it all on my own but its silly times like that when  I realize that I cant. I was putting the drawer back into the crib and all the blankets fell out, I havent seen those blankets…touched them, since Jason and I split. The blankets that he would swaddle her in every night and then get her to go to sleep. Little things, little things  like blankets make me just pause and think stupid thoughts that are all over the place. Things  like “daddys little girl” all the way to “he would swaddle her in this for the night and a few hours later leave to be with Nicole. He could have stayed in bed with us, watching us both sleep but instead he left, how stupid am I to think that he wasnt up to anything”. I dont know, this  whole thing is just odd. I go back and think of times when I know I needed help and go over what  he said to me, why didnt I see that he didnt want to be here…its so obvious now.

Anywho, this past week and change has been a roller coaster. Extremes highs that are followed by  extreme lows, complete and total happiness followed by doubt, over and over again. When the doubt happens I think that I can never be happy again and then the happiness comes and I wonder what on earth I was thinking, of course I can be happy because I am happy.

Maybe its that Ian is not here, its that key piece that has been here for four years. Or that I  know Jason is here in town, just knowing that he is here makes my stomach floppy. I want to talk to him but at the same time why even bother, I cant trust a damn thing that comes out of his  mouth. Yet I am the bad guy to Nicole, Jason can do no wrong even though he has lied too/betrayed EVERYONE of any importance to him yet I am still the bad one. Huh, why even care what she thinks,  right?

Pink, I cannot believe it but pink has made its way into my wardrobe and I enjoy it. For years I hated pink, even said Hope wouldnt be dressed in it yet its now welcomed by me. For so long all  I had was black tshirts and bluejeans, never tried to change it. Its still my staple choice, comfort all the way, but it feels nice to put on clothes that actually fit me and arent black.  That right their is proof that I have had an attitude change, when all I wanted to do was blend  into the background (which was impossible with blue, purple, yellow, etc hair). Now I want to be noticed, I want to strike up conversations with new people. Its so refreshingly nice.

On to the cuteness of earlier today. Hope and I were at Boones, he has his daughter this weekend.  So I am feeding Hope and she asks where the bottle is, I tell her she doesnt have a bottle. She  is looking at me oddly asking why she doesnt have a bottle and I tell her she gets the milk from me and that she was also breastfed as a baby but that her daddy gave her a bottle. So she keeps trying to get Boones attention, “daddy, daddy…look!”. So I can tell she is still wondering why I am feeding Hope with my breast so I let her know that thats how cats feed their babies,  thinking she would get this because one of the outside cats just had kittens a few weeks ago.  Well no, not quite, she turns to Boone and proclaims “daddy feeds patches (thats Boones cat) with  his…?”. Oh man it was hilarious, patches is Boones baby but not that way.

Then Eric walks in the room, glances at me and then turns quickly putting his hand in front of  his face. “Sorry Juli, I am so sorry Juli.” What, you cant see anything, its fine Eric. “Well I dont want to embarrass you.” You are not going to embarrass me Eric. “Well then I dont want to embarrass myself.” Then I heard Boone laugh. Good times, good times. The funny thing is that both Victoria and Eric have seen me feed Hope before but I guess this time they actually noticed what I was doing.

So this is my life right now, Saturday night at 9:17pm. Hopes asleep for the night, living room door is open, cd player is softly playing a final fantasy soundtrack, crickets chirping,  refrigerator humming, fan whizzing, the light is on above the sink and the lamp is on in the  living room. Silence basically, much needed silence. I think I will go take a bubble bath.

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Karen Jane
I love who you were. I love who you are now. I know how hard it is to get yourself back to those points. I am proud of you, and I love your pink shirt. What a strong woman you are Juli. Have I said that I love you?
Posted by Karen Jane on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 1:20 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
i agree with karen jane… you are very strong… and loved =)
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 1:30 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It is a process, like everything else we have learned in this life. Give yourself time…it has taken me the most of two years to be able to go back and forth to the Garfield house, to even be around Jerry, and then going to see Harley, then comeing back here to be in my parents house again… as I learn again who I am and what I believe in, it gets easier, it doesn’t hurt as much, and I remember what ever has gotten me/us to this point, good or not, is all part of the program of being human, dealing with emotions and situations and learning that things can be ok.
the hardest part is letting go of what we knew, and picking up on what we need to get us along now and not letting ourselves get too strung out on why’s what’s and is fors…
Have a mentioned bio feedback to you? When I thought I was going to have to do chemotherapy again for a year or more, I knew I would need something to keep my mind grounded and whole this time so I bought a wonderful computer program called The Wild Divine.
The doctors decided against chemo, and this is the most wonderful calming meditational bio feedback training I have ever experienced! It has taught me how to control my energy, my depresson, my anxieties, my living in the fear of the past that should have NO effect on my present!
It is good to write, good to keep journals. When I read mine from the last ten years I cannot believe I managed to stay in the situation I was with a child that was suffering through the same hell I was…I was so wrapped up in my messed up life that too many times I didn’t stop to look at what was happening to him! YOu want to talk about being blind! We are resilient! And with time and good people around us, we can learn to be whole again…a second change to do it all over again, BUT the way we learned it should be, we hope!
Just give yourself time, and live!
Posted by Always Màthair on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 5:41 PM
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January pics


Some pics from last month. 
Hopes a chunker, at 2 months she weighs 13 lbs 5 oz and is 24 inches long.









I dont know why but my son is obsessed with his butt at the moment.




















These were taken earlier today, Ian is showing off his tattoo.






Kara
LOL, if i didn’t know better i would swear I was looking at my own family! Aidan got a train set and the exact same table for X-mas. Hope wins the bigger baby award, Sophie was 11 lbs I think, and 21 inches! LOL

PS Ian is such a Larkan!

Posted by Kara on February 5, 2008 – Tuesday – 8:29 AM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
WoW WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY! AND THAT LITTLE GIRL OF YOURS HAS A VERY BEAUTIFL SMILE!! WHAT CUTIES!!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on February 5, 2008 – Tuesday – 9:01 AM
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New pictures


Hope is growing way to fast. She never lost any weight, she actually gained 4 ounces her first 3 days of life and at 3 weeks one day she was up to 10 pounds 4 ounces, 22 inches. So she has already out grown her newborn diapers and her 0-3 month clothes. She fits perfect in 3-6 month clothes, so much so that I doubt they will fit by the time she is 3 months. Ian was 2 lbs 6.3 oz when he as 3 weeks. 

Here are some pics from when she was a week and a half…






She is wearing a 6-9 month onesie here.


And here are some Ian pics. He wanted me to take a picture of his blocks.






And some new Hope pics from tonight, the red light from the camera blinded her so they arent very good. Thats a 3-6 month outfit…













?SaRaMiChElLe?™

OH JULI!!

WoW!! SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!! JUST A PERFECT LITTLE GIRL! I JUST WANT TO KISS HER!

CONGRATULATIONS, AGAIN, ON YOUR PERFECT LITTLE ANGEL… SO SWEET!!

BTW, TELL ETHAN I ENJOYED PICS OF HIS BLOCKS TOO. THEY ARE VERY NICE BLOCKS =)
I BET HE IS A GREAT BIG BROTHER!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on December 19, 2007 – Wednesday – 9:12 PM
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Hope Rhiannon is here


Hope Rhiannon was born Sunday November 25th, at 8:09pm at home.
She weighed 8lbs 6oz
Length was 20 1/4 inches
Midwives determined that she cooked about 41 1/2 weeks.
She is a healthy, content baby.

Click on the pics to enlarge…

.

Do I look tired?



Jason was so incredibly happy.








Getting weighed



16 hours old


Next to Ian’s doll (his size at birth)


Ian, grandma and Hope




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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
WOW~~

CONGRATULATIONS JULI!!

SHE IS SOOO BEAUTIFUL!!

AND IAN LOOKS LIKE HE JUST LOVIN THE BIG BROTHER THING!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on November 27, 2007 – Tuesday – 8:43 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Congratulations! She is so beautiful!!!!! Jason looks so excited and Ian looks so proud to be holding his little sister. I am thankful you had a great delivery and best of all you were able to deliver at home! Thank you for sharing your lovely family with us!
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on November 27, 2007 – Tuesday – 8:48 PM
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<G>
Look at her cheeks!!!!! I am so proud of you and what you went thru. I am in awe of my beautiful and strong friend. Kiss her cheeks for me.
Posted by <G> on November 29, 2007 – Thursday – 9:09 AM
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Last set of belly pics


Time got away from me and I totally forgot to post the last couple of sets of belly pics. So here they are now…

36 Weeks








38 weeks






39 weeks




33 Weeks


So thus far I have made it to 33 weeks and see no end in site any time soon.

Still no signs of pre eclampsia, blood pressure has been great (under 120/72). A couple of weeks ago I had my iron levels tested and my hgb was an 8! Tuesday we retested and my iron levels went up but I dont know what too (Just two weeks after starting the supplement). Shauna called yesterday, excited saying it went up. I missed the call though so I didnt get the official number.

Baby is head down and on the far right side, so far over that my belly is very uneven.
Should look like this = O
Looks like this instead = C/

Belly pics from last week…









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