So the 13th was the 3 month mark. Time, time has flown by but at times it has stopped in its tracks. The amount of growth I have done in these 3 shorts months has been amazing. I really believe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me but at the same time it is still the loss of a dream, but would that dream have ever even occurred?
I am fine a good 95 percent of the time but that other 5 percent is when all time stops, its as if I look up and see everything falling and I just cant stop it. I revert back to what ifs and start seeing occurrences that I KNOW were bad times in a different light, its like I try to trick myself into thinking that the bad wasnt so bad and that it really would be better to just go back to the way things were.
I know thats not true, I know in my heart that this divorce is best but when things start getting out of control all I want is the familiar even if the familiar was curled up in bed crying myself to sleep. I at least knew that. I at least knew Jason would come back. But you know, the night before we split I did spend the night crying in bed and he touched me very softly with a finger mumbling nothings and in the morning he was gone, gone for good. So I guess he didnt always come back, did he?
So I am rearranging the rooms and can I just say that moving a king memory foam mattress by yourself just doesnt work. I think I can do it all on my own but its silly times like that when I realize that I cant. I was putting the drawer back into the crib and all the blankets fell out, I havent seen those blankets…touched them, since Jason and I split. The blankets that he would swaddle her in every night and then get her to go to sleep. Little things, little things like blankets make me just pause and think stupid thoughts that are all over the place. Things like “daddys little girl” all the way to “he would swaddle her in this for the night and a few hours later leave to be with Nicole. He could have stayed in bed with us, watching us both sleep but instead he left, how stupid am I to think that he wasnt up to anything”. I dont know, this whole thing is just odd. I go back and think of times when I know I needed help and go over what he said to me, why didnt I see that he didnt want to be here…its so obvious now.
Anywho, this past week and change has been a roller coaster. Extremes highs that are followed by extreme lows, complete and total happiness followed by doubt, over and over again. When the doubt happens I think that I can never be happy again and then the happiness comes and I wonder what on earth I was thinking, of course I can be happy because I am happy.
Maybe its that Ian is not here, its that key piece that has been here for four years. Or that I know Jason is here in town, just knowing that he is here makes my stomach floppy. I want to talk to him but at the same time why even bother, I cant trust a damn thing that comes out of his mouth. Yet I am the bad guy to Nicole, Jason can do no wrong even though he has lied too/betrayed EVERYONE of any importance to him yet I am still the bad one. Huh, why even care what she thinks, right?
Pink, I cannot believe it but pink has made its way into my wardrobe and I enjoy it. For years I hated pink, even said Hope wouldnt be dressed in it yet its now welcomed by me. For so long all I had was black tshirts and bluejeans, never tried to change it. Its still my staple choice, comfort all the way, but it feels nice to put on clothes that actually fit me and arent black. That right their is proof that I have had an attitude change, when all I wanted to do was blend into the background (which was impossible with blue, purple, yellow, etc hair). Now I want to be noticed, I want to strike up conversations with new people. Its so refreshingly nice.
On to the cuteness of earlier today. Hope and I were at Boones, he has his daughter this weekend. So I am feeding Hope and she asks where the bottle is, I tell her she doesnt have a bottle. She is looking at me oddly asking why she doesnt have a bottle and I tell her she gets the milk from me and that she was also breastfed as a baby but that her daddy gave her a bottle. So she keeps trying to get Boones attention, “daddy, daddy…look!”. So I can tell she is still wondering why I am feeding Hope with my breast so I let her know that thats how cats feed their babies, thinking she would get this because one of the outside cats just had kittens a few weeks ago. Well no, not quite, she turns to Boone and proclaims “daddy feeds patches (thats Boones cat) with his…?”. Oh man it was hilarious, patches is Boones baby but not that way.
Then Eric walks in the room, glances at me and then turns quickly putting his hand in front of his face. “Sorry Juli, I am so sorry Juli.” What, you cant see anything, its fine Eric. “Well I dont want to embarrass you.” You are not going to embarrass me Eric. “Well then I dont want to embarrass myself.” Then I heard Boone laugh. Good times, good times. The funny thing is that both Victoria and Eric have seen me feed Hope before but I guess this time they actually noticed what I was doing.
So this is my life right now, Saturday night at 9:17pm. Hopes asleep for the night, living room door is open, cd player is softly playing a final fantasy soundtrack, crickets chirping, refrigerator humming, fan whizzing, the light is on above the sink and the lamp is on in the living room. Silence basically, much needed silence. I think I will go take a bubble bath.