Story About A Girl

For some odd reason I totally brainfarted on the fact that I can hook the laptop up through s video…the really really odd thing is that Boone reminded me today that I could. So I connected it and got the pictures from the past 2 weeks off my computer (which I will post when I have a new lcd) but for now I will post a lone pic of my laptop screen…

Sad huh?

I really have nothing new to say. Still not officially divorced and I am sure it will be that way for a while. Jasons attorney seems to have rode the short bus to school (she wears flip flops and hot pink bras to court AND has a hotmail email address, snort) so I am sure it will be a while before anything is typed up.

I have spent the entire weekend at home which strangly I havent minded at all. I keep having these odd dreams about legos because of this addiction that I have to my lego indiana jones game. Poor Boone gets drooled on at night, what is with me and drooling in my sleep? I guess I just sleep that well.

Ians doing decently well with putting himself to sleep though the attitude he strikes occasionally is getting rather old.

Hopes doing weird sleep things again, where she sleeps for really long stretches. Crawling all over the place, from one end of the house to the next. I have yet to find something that she doesnt want to eat.

I have had a stomach ache and a head ache for the past few days, dont know why but it sucks.

I think I am going to sleep now even though Boone and Caleb should be here within the hour. I am so freaking tired and I feel like crap. And no I am not pregnant (thats like REALLY impossible) but I feel like it in the “sick and worn out first trimester crapstastic feeling” sort of way.

This blog is the most random blog I have ever left…

Oh yeah, comment people! I know you people read these because I get a ton of hits after I post one. I think you can even comment even if your arent on my friends list…hmm…to lazy to check that at the moment.

Ians doing great. He cleaned up the living room tonight with  no arguments at all. He is even putting himself to sleep. Well he almost is, I give him and hug and a kiss goodnight and tell him to go lay down and he makes it about halfway (meaning the bathroom) and lays down and goes to sleep. So after 30 minutes or so I pick him up and lay him down in bed. The goal of course is to get him to lay down IN his bed and fall asleep but its baby steps. And no, I dont feel the least bit bad or guilty that he falls asleep on the floor, it was alway my favorite sleeping spot when I was a kid.

So the divorce is in just a few days and I am a bag of mixed emotions. To hear that its over, officially (as in now I check a different box) over is going to be hard as hell. I know its over, part of me knows it was over from the moment we said “I do” but the other part of me still loves him and I know that I always will but just in a different way.

I feel like the hate, frustration, jealousy, loneliness, depression, grief, anxiety, bitterness that I have felt since October will finally have a chance to be laid to rest.  But at the same time the joyful, happy, loving, outgoing Juli is finally getting herself back with the help of awesome friends and family.

So right now life is good…no wait, its awesome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, so I went to move Ian from the floor to the bed and he had already done it. Awe.

For a little bit it was okay but its hard to relax and have a good time when you are holding a baby and watching a crazy 4 year old. We eventually left and I was looking forward to a kid free weekend, I NEEDED it badly.

Got home and right when we were stepping into the shower to wash the chlorine and sunscreen off Jason called to cancel. I was livid, I needed a break and Ian already knew he was going to see his dad (we prep for it on a calendar which we will no longer do). We were all upset, not a good day at all.

Saturday proved no better. Threw a pity party on the phone to various friends wallowing in what my life had become. It was not a good thing and I hate it when the situation overwhelms me so much that I cant even function.

Sunday I woke up and told myself that it would be a better day. Called mom and asked her to watch Hope that night while Ian and I went to wonderland since it was the cheap 10 buck night.

So we went and we had a blast. I dont know if the park has always been that craptastic or if it was just never noticed as a kid but the regular price they charge is ridiculous. I already have an annoyance for PD though, ever since he fired me…bastard, with a police escort and all.

Ian rode all sorts of things, things that made Jason sick a few years ago. He is so ready for Six Flags. Hardly any lines too. I was so proud of him. We really ended the weekend with the bang that brought us closer together.

The rest of the pics are in the June 08 album.

Just when I think I am okay, moving forward. I dont know…HAPPY, I stop and realize just how much this whole situation is fucked up.

I hate you Jason Willice Groves, you lying adulterant piece of shit. I hope you rot in Hell right next to your worthless piece of shit whore of a girlfriend.

That is all…

And an hour and change later I feel much better. I still want to shake some sense into him. Can he not see what he is missing? Can he not see that he is being replaced? Does he even care?

It was fun but we could have saved 20 bucks and hung out elsewhere with the same people. It was fun hanging out with Donna though. 😉

Saturday was a long, never ending day. Someone gave Boone a cough (could have been me or someone else) and he pretty much felt like crap the whole day. Hope was craptastic, she just would not nap even though she was so tired. She finally got some sleep when I dropped off Boone at the theater while Victoria and I went and got some food.

Sunday I woke up sad, you know those days when you just cry for no reason. I sat in Kirbys room and fed Hope for an hour before leaving his room and going into Boones to sulk some more.  He came in and hugged me which made me feel much better, on with the day I suppose. Drove back into town, dropped off Boone and Victoria. Hope and I drove to Angelas and we sat and talked a bit, drove and picked up Ian then we bought a few groceries.

Ians been a major turd ever since spending those 10 days with Jason. It seems that every answer to my question is a snotty “no” or he just plain talks back. A week and change ago he high tailed it on a tricycle to 6th street, he was maybe 20 feet from rolling onto the street before Boone caught up to him. That was a mess, him not listening to anyone is just not working so he has been in some deep shit since then.

He was doing better but yesterday after picking him up he started in with the no crap while at the grocery store. Grrr, its like I get him out of the habit then its Jasons week and he reverts right back into turd mode.

Anywho, we came home and he played outside until the sun was down. Hope was already asleep and I was just exhausted so when he came in I just got him in his jammies and had him sleep in my bed.

3:30 am I hear this disgusting sound of rushing water. I get up, flick on the light and sure enough he had thrown up all over the bed…all over. So I drag him out of bed, put him in front of the toilet and start ripping off sheets. I know, I know, the poor kid is covered in vomit and I am freaking out over my bed but dammit that stuff stank and I didnt want it seeping into my mattress. Did I mention that he knocked down the thing in the corner above the bed that held over 100 stuffed animals. So not only is massive amounts of puke on the pillows, covers and sheets its also all over multiple stuffed animals. Yucko. So I gather the nasty stuff, throw it in the laundry basket, sop up the vomit that went through the sheet and then go and clean him off. Get him all changed again, grab the baking soda, cover the nasty spots and then put a new sheet on. Vomit seeped through the duvet cover onto the feather down comforter so we couldnt sleep under that, the other duvet/comforter was in the other room so we slept with some throw blankets instead.

I dont know why puke always happens at 3am but I am proud of the way it was handled. Many times I have woken up to clean up vomit but I always had help, this time it was all me on the cleaning crew, it sucked but it wasnt all that bad.

Thank god the weekend is over. I normally look forward to them but this last one just seemed never ending and boy did it ever end with a bang.

Btw, Hope had her “first” solids earlier today, pics are in the June 08 album.

Lets hope this sticks, I have free time at night…woot.

I am fine a good 95 percent of the time but that other 5 percent is when all time stops, its as  if I look up and see everything falling and I just cant stop it. I revert back to what ifs and  start seeing occurrences that I KNOW were bad times in a different light, its like I try to trick  myself into thinking that the bad wasnt so bad and that it really would be better to just go  back to the way things were.

I know thats not true, I know in my heart that this divorce is best but when things start  getting out of control all I want is the familiar even if the familiar was curled up in bed  crying myself to sleep. I at least knew that. I at least knew Jason would come back. But you  know, the night before we split I did spend the night crying in bed and he touched me very softly with a finger mumbling nothings and in the morning he was gone, gone for good. So I  guess he didnt always come back, did he?

So I am rearranging the rooms and can I just say that moving a king memory foam mattress by  yourself just doesnt work. I think I can do it all on my own but its silly times like that when  I realize that I cant. I was putting the drawer back into the crib and all the blankets fell out, I havent seen those blankets…touched them, since Jason and I split. The blankets that he would swaddle her in every night and then get her to go to sleep. Little things, little things  like blankets make me just pause and think stupid thoughts that are all over the place. Things  like “daddys little girl” all the way to “he would swaddle her in this for the night and a few hours later leave to be with Nicole. He could have stayed in bed with us, watching us both sleep but instead he left, how stupid am I to think that he wasnt up to anything”. I dont know, this  whole thing is just odd. I go back and think of times when I know I needed help and go over what  he said to me, why didnt I see that he didnt want to be here…its so obvious now.

Anywho, this past week and change has been a roller coaster. Extremes highs that are followed by  extreme lows, complete and total happiness followed by doubt, over and over again. When the doubt happens I think that I can never be happy again and then the happiness comes and I wonder what on earth I was thinking, of course I can be happy because I am happy.

Maybe its that Ian is not here, its that key piece that has been here for four years. Or that I  know Jason is here in town, just knowing that he is here makes my stomach floppy. I want to talk to him but at the same time why even bother, I cant trust a damn thing that comes out of his  mouth. Yet I am the bad guy to Nicole, Jason can do no wrong even though he has lied too/betrayed EVERYONE of any importance to him yet I am still the bad one. Huh, why even care what she thinks,  right?

Pink, I cannot believe it but pink has made its way into my wardrobe and I enjoy it. For years I hated pink, even said Hope wouldnt be dressed in it yet its now welcomed by me. For so long all  I had was black tshirts and bluejeans, never tried to change it. Its still my staple choice, comfort all the way, but it feels nice to put on clothes that actually fit me and arent black.  That right their is proof that I have had an attitude change, when all I wanted to do was blend  into the background (which was impossible with blue, purple, yellow, etc hair). Now I want to be noticed, I want to strike up conversations with new people. Its so refreshingly nice.

On to the cuteness of earlier today. Hope and I were at Boones, he has his daughter this weekend.  So I am feeding Hope and she asks where the bottle is, I tell her she doesnt have a bottle. She  is looking at me oddly asking why she doesnt have a bottle and I tell her she gets the milk from me and that she was also breastfed as a baby but that her daddy gave her a bottle. So she keeps trying to get Boones attention, “daddy, daddy…look!”. So I can tell she is still wondering why I am feeding Hope with my breast so I let her know that thats how cats feed their babies,  thinking she would get this because one of the outside cats just had kittens a few weeks ago.  Well no, not quite, she turns to Boone and proclaims “daddy feeds patches (thats Boones cat) with  his…?”. Oh man it was hilarious, patches is Boones baby but not that way.

Then Eric walks in the room, glances at me and then turns quickly putting his hand in front of  his face. “Sorry Juli, I am so sorry Juli.” What, you cant see anything, its fine Eric. “Well I dont want to embarrass you.” You are not going to embarrass me Eric. “Well then I dont want to embarrass myself.” Then I heard Boone laugh. Good times, good times. The funny thing is that both Victoria and Eric have seen me feed Hope before but I guess this time they actually noticed what I was doing.

So this is my life right now, Saturday night at 9:17pm. Hopes asleep for the night, living room door is open, cd player is softly playing a final fantasy soundtrack, crickets chirping,  refrigerator humming, fan whizzing, the light is on above the sink and the lamp is on in the  living room. Silence basically, much needed silence. I think I will go take a bubble bath.