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Its amazing what typing it all out can do for a person…

I am fine, perfectly fine. So Why in the World do I keep emotionally crashing every few weeks?

I am fine one minute then sobbing the next but over the same stupid thing, every.single.time.

So how does one stop loving someone? How do you turn it off? HOW? It seems my life would be so much easier if I could put the past where it belongs and stop looking back. Or looking so far forward that I seem to miss the *now*.

It is no big secret that I am still completely emotionally attached to Jason. And I hate that I am. I hate that he is still my go to person. He is still my shoulder to cry on and in a sense, my rock. But at the same time its those very things that bring me to sobbing in bed, trying to gather myself, running fool only to eventually crash and hopefully start the everyday life motions again the next moring. And it stupid. Its stupid the situation that I have put myself into.

I need to stop going over the “what ifs” in my head. Maybe he isnt the person that completes me, maybe someone else will eventually come along. Why should I even care?

I dont think bad of myself. I think I am cute, I think I am cuter 50 lbs lighter, but still cute. I think I am loving. I think I have a good personality and a good heart. I think I am a good friend. I think I am pretty good person actually. Selfish at times, yes, but I still always try to help people when they need it. I think I didnt take the pity me path and have done pretty good since my world came crashing almost 3 years ago. I think I will be fine, I really do.

But I still cry. I am wondering if I need to find a therapist again. Someone to talk me through this stupid divorce. The question of how long I have been divorced still brings tears to my eyes? Why? Shouldnt I be happy about it? Where my life is now is nothing like 3 years ago. I have my friends back, heck I even have some new ones, I have a wonderful job, I have a new home, my children are happy, I am healthy, I have my faith back…I have myself back.

Isnt that what people strive for, happiness? And all that equates happiness. So I am happy and fine. Sigh. Also talking in circles apparently and liking the word *and* tonight. lol

Oh I crack myself up sometimes.

This is all a bunch of gibberish and I certainly feel better now that I have typed it all out and gave myself a reality check.

A few good things happened today, great things actually. I think I will focus on those for the next few days.

One Comment, Comment or Ping

  1. Sue Dooley

    You and I sound a lot alike!
    Courage, is a word that comes to me. Never haveing the courage to believe in our own strengh, that someone may shut us down when we try to stand up for ourselves, and finding those struggling emotions making us an emotional mess!
    Fear to express what we truly feel that we will fall into a guilt pit for something we want to do for ourselves and not for someone else…putting us first, and what others my try and make us feel incomplete about.
    Love…who taught us to love? anyone? what is love truly? Why does it tear us to little pieces and the most inopportune moments! How can we explain it?
    Co-dependancy, that one will gut you like a knife! Twist your mind and heart and soul to where you can’t find yourself…who am I? How did all this start?
    The fear of being alone, of having no one to relate to, even the bad ones you never want to see again, deal with again. But that damage is done…
    Insecurity, did our parents make us feel we were worth some thing, did we get the support we needed? The lessons we needed, the diagnosis we needed.
    We always fall back into that brakish pit that we have to dig out of over and over again, not wanting anyone to see or know we realy aren’t ok but we are fighting to be ok!
    We don’t want to hurt anyone but seems like we always do!

    God give us the strentgh to hang in there, and make the choices we feel are best for us. Guide us, heal us, hear our prayers.

    October 11th, 2010

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