I occasionally have a “woe is me” moment when it comes to my life but I quickly snap out of it. I dont *like* being single but I dont *dislike* it either. I think I would be fine had I not had a marriage with a husband that was really close to me. Thats what I miss, companionship, someone to talk about the storm rolling in, a kiss, a hug, a touch. But not having those things is what makes me miss being married.
The single part isnt changing anytime soon but its also no where near my focus. But when I step back and think about the overwhelming role that my future husband would need to fill, well, its overwhelming. He has to love me, and the kids, and my family. Well okay, but my family is huge and *family* includes Jason and my in-laws. Is that an impossible role to fill? Nope, I dont think so but its going to take one special person to fill it. Besides, I read it on a piece of paper, made just for me, 8 years ago January.
So how exactly do I “snap out of it” so quickly? By standing back even further and looking at the bigger picture. In this last 2.5 years I have learned to love myself. I have learned that my attitude affects everything, including the kids, and how I am treated by everyone. I have learned that the grass can be green on either side of the fence but that it has to be watered, I cant just stand there idly and watch it brown all while wishing it was green. Besides, if I hopped the fence and I again just stood there it would eventually die too.
This whole thing is a process, I have many downs but I have way more ups. I can do this and I know I can because I already am doing it.
So this, *this* is why I love my life. Because I know everything will work out. I look forward to every day and what it brings. I am blessed to have what I have and who I have in my life. They all play special roles, roles that I am eternally grateful for but I am also bad about vocalizing. No ones going to want a depressed, woe is me, Juli. Well someone might but they will be a depressed, woe is me, person and thats just about the last thing I need.
I am working on redirecting bad habits and I fail sometimes, boy do I fail. But I fail when I loose focus, when the “big picture” slips by. Anywho, as I have said time and time again, I am happy about where my life is and I am happy about where its going. I am redirecting my focus that was all but lost for a number of years. Its all part of a bigger plan after all and if I knew the outcome it just wouldn’t be as much fun.