No wait, I might just cry actually. A smidge over 2 years ago my life was in turmoil. My hopes, dreams, desires, love, friendships, home, family, *everything* turned upside down by the one thing I feared most. *I* was a single mother. At that time I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
5 years of anti social behavior. 5 years of depression that I kept pretty well hidden. 5 years of not wanting to get out of bed, having no friends in the city I lived in, never wanting to get dressed, much less put on make up. I was everything I never wanted to be but I had a veil up and to most I was the happiest I had ever been. But those that fit in the “most” category only saw me a couple times a month at the most.
Its amazing how one can convince oneself that everything is going just fine. It took me being left to realize what all I was missing in life. 2 years later I can say that the *me* now is the *me* I wanted so badly for those 5 years.
Friday I close on my house. My very own house (well my house is my house now too). And its hitting me that I am going to leave this house that I currently live. So much has happened in this house. For one it was my grandparents house. Oh what I would do to just have fond memories on grandma and grandpas. I have a few, like grandpas selson blue shampoo, and the trunks of barbies to play with, being pushed down the hallway in the laundry basket, sitting around the table playing rumicube but having lived in this house for 5 years those old “good” memories turn into faint memories.
When I first started this whole moving out thing it was hard for me to explain to my parents. I do live 30 feet from them which is convenient. I went from being approved for an apartment, to qualifying for 2 different mortgages with different banks, for finding an awesome house which just happened to have been foreclosed on. The whole thing happened so fast. But explaining to people why I wanted to move proved to bring up long pushed to the side feelings.
The fact is is that its hard to live here. This is where Jason and I spent most of the years of our marriage, its where it pretty much started and it where it all came to a screeching halt. I can glance at a certain spot in the living room and relive the conversation that led to Jason leaving me (the first time). I relive that conversation on a constant basis and it still hurts. No one ever wants to hear that their partner no longer loves them. They especially dont want to hear it when they are 37 weeks pregnant.
Oh I could go on but why bother, everyone knows the story and if you dont its in these blogs, happy reading.
But at the same time Hope was born here. I hate to leave the home she was born in. Its also the only home she has ever known, pretty much either kid. So many memories involving them are surrounding this house. And they are just that, memories, and they can come with us to our new house where more will be created.
But oh how it makes me bawl. I am going to be a mess of emotions when stuff is being packed and moved out. It will finally be put to rest. I will no longer lay in bed, look down the hall, and think it never really happened. I wont wake in the morning to the same old house, no longer missing certain points in the floor because they squeak. I wont have a breakdown just because my bed is moved to a spot where it was previously and that in turn brings up crazy emotions. Its kind of like a fresh start. 🙂
So for those that are reading, just like all my blogs, these are for you. I write them and reread them over and over seeing the growth in me. Its proof that things work out people. Had Jason not left me I would still be miserable. Now I am the happiest I ever recall being.
Closing is Friday at 8:30 and it should go fairly quickly. Its being paid in full with cash so I dont have to mess with mortgage paperwork. I plan on sitting in my new home for a bit, empty, maybe playing a card game with friends and just being…happy.