Cleaning out my filing cabinet

After reading Spiritual Divorce a few times I have realized that I cant “move on” until I fix whats wrong with me. One thing thats held me back for all these years is the fear of rejection or that someone will be there one day and then not be there the next. I also have a bad habit of relying on one person and only one person which so happens to be the person that I am in said relationship with.

Sadly it happened with two relationships and of course it was back to back. What would have happened with Jason and I if I had recognized what went wrong with Nathan and I?

I always complained of a certain friend that when she had a significant other it was as if I was no longer there and it annoyed the crap out of me. Why has it taken me 8 years to realize that I was doing the exact same thing? I have always had my girlfriends but for some odd reason I shut them out when I was in a relationship and I only came back to them when my relationship was going down hill. I cant believe they stuck with me through all that.

My mom nailed it a couple months ago and I just now realize that. I kept saying that I didnt know why I got married and she kept saying it was because Ginta had just got married and thats just what I wanted. I didnt want to be alone. OMG, she was right!

So looking through my file cabinet I found my old diary and then a random piece of paper written to Nathan but it wasnt to be given to him. Ginta told me one time to write down what I wanted to say, not to give it to the other person but to get it all out.

Here is what I wrote, 6.5 years ago…(bolding is mine)

I am so scared that you will leave me forever. It hasnt even been a week and it has already felt like forever. I really hope you are thinking like you said you were going to but I dont think you are. I am trying to convince myself that you and all of your friends hate me. I totally understand where you are coming from. I am controlling but only because I have a fear of being left ~ forgotten.

I guess it doesnt work. I hate what you are putting me through, my heart hurts and I feel sick all the time. It really sucks cause you are the only person that has a shoulder for me to cry on and now you are no longer here. I feel so stupid and ugly, just the same as I always have.

I am the only one out of my girlfriends that is alone, again.

I knew I had a problem with being controlling but I guess I just didnt want to face it. I went after Jason because I knew I would be able to control him I just didnt know that he was doing the same to me all along.

What I fear the most is being left and I have got to get over that. With the help of friends its really starting to work its self out, this fear of rejection.

Always Màthair

that is a hard one for sure hun!
Just think I went through 30 years before I got to that last breaking point…and it took two years more to see that there is a viable person here with thoughts and ideas of her own and that I can survive! I didn’
I think it is so sad that so many people get into relationships before they truly understand what our purpose for this life is, and that as we grow that purpose grows and changes with us.
We humans are either very controlling or very insecure in ourselves.
So much to learn, so many changes we will go through!
Let the light within you shine!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 25, 2008 – Friday – 10:10 AM
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