Finding the meaning

I have been reading up on this whole divorce thing,  how to grow from it and go on to live “happily ever after”. One thing that keeps coming to me is that Jason had an affair. How in the world am I going to get over the fact that my husband, Mr. Mormon was/is sleeping with another woman. The nausea that ensues to realize that while at “school” he was off having sex while I wasnt even healed yet from having baby Hope is hard to get past. So, how do I get past it? I have to get past it or else it will eat me inside.

So today I did a lot of soul searching, why did this happen? I could easily throw out that he is addicted to sex and he wasnt getting any from me. And really, that might just be the surface answer. But BUT I think that the affair was the end all. He knew I wouldnt take him back after that, I mean I would come crawling back but I wouldnt be happy. I would loose the very thing I wanted for all these years, my family and friends.

The past five years have been such a loss for me. I have two beautiful, healthy babies but I sacraficed myself, my being for them. I lost my vision and goal in life. I lost family and friends. I gained 60 pounds (yikes)! I was depressed for the first time ever and had no one to fall back on but Jason. I once could walk out the door with my head up and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. I had the funky hair and the blunt attitude that brought out the best in me.

For some odd reason when I met Jason that part of me changed and I just dont know why. Maybe its because I had just ended a relationship with someone who was once my best friend, maybe its because Ginta had just got married and I desperatly wanted that. I thought at 22 I had lived as much and I needed and that I needed to settle down. I settled down all right, I went from a partying single chick to Molly Mormon in the matter of a month. People that knew me from years past were floored that I would join such a religion, it just wasnt a Juli move.

I am so glad to be back in Amarillo. I wish the circumstances were different but I know I will be happy here. I wanted so badly to be out and when I got out I so badly wanted to be back home. I always wanted kids but I wanted them to have the life that I had. I loved my childhood, I loved having such close family and friends. Many days spent with my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Stories that will go to the grave with me. I wanted that for my kids and Lubbock just wasnt that. I had no friends there and certainly no family. Ian and I were isolated in the house all day every day and my only adult interaction was Jason (except the times when we came to Amarillo).

So the good of this divorce….

I am back, in mind and body. He cheated and thats on his plate for the rest of his life. I can not do anything to turn back time and dwelling on it is just going to bring me down.

I am finally free, no longer do I have to fake it. I have been doing so the last 5.5 years.

Its great to be home again.

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