February 20th, 2011
How can a word bring about such a strong emotion when it is told to you. I have heard it said to me before but never like this. Never have so many emotions come forth from one simple word. I have a hard time accepting the word. I know I can be cute and that I try to be a good person but beautiful, thats hard to swallow. I guess I am still kicking myself in the butt for my past. For a turn down a path that I still shake my head at. But also, I know that those turns made me who I am today and that I have many more in this life time. Maybe it was who it was said by, at any rate it hit me hard.
Laying in bed that night, while having my weird bimonthly swirl of emotions (I call it an invisaperiod) I couldnt stop crying. It was happy tears, but tears no less. I hate to cry, I hate to show weakness and I hate when people are around when I do. But that night, I was actually comforted and after I chose to stop burying my head in the pillow I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and acceptance and it was wonderful.
Sometimes I stop and wonder to myself if I am indeed myself or just faking the Juli I want to be. But that makes no sense, my actions are my actions and its not that I am faking being strong, its that (at least in that moment) I am strong.
I do not like being doubted or second guessed. I dont like to be told how I am feeling but that I just wont admit it. But I also dont like confrontation so if someone does put me in a corner I usually do one of two things, I cry or I laugh.
I am occasionally doubted when it comes to my feelings about the person I am dating and her still hanging out with her exs and it bugs me. Believe me, if I had a problem with it she would know, but I dont.
But here is the deal, the is the very first “ship” I have been in that I havent felt the need to control. After a lot of reflection and writing I concluded my being desperate and needy would backfire every single time. So I have been working on that but strangely, with her, its easy. She is like this breath of fresh air that I have needed for so long. I have a life, she has a life and we have a life. It doesnt feel rushed or that one person has more control over the other. And contrary to what has been suggested to me, we are both very respectful towards each other.
And if, for some odd reason you are still scratching your head over “she/her” dont, because yes, I am dating a girl. And no, its isnt some random, omg my ex husband wont take me back crap, its real and its been there since I was a teenager. Jason knew my desires when we were married, I do believe he is the only one that ever knew of them. I dont know why I kept my little secret for so long. I guess those that were really paying attention could have pinned it easily.
I am sure word has traveled all through fb land and the blogsphere but for those closest to me I actually told them. My friends and family proved to me just how wonderful they are. My ex husband, well, sigh. And my parents were rather funny about it. See, back in high school dad and I had mom convinced I was a lesbian. We had her going for a while, then one day she sat me down for the “I accept you talk” and I told her I was kidding. So of course she gave me crap over that when I told her. Dads response was that he was a lesbian too and that I made terrible choices in men. lol.
Anywho, I dont know what led me to follow through with just hopping on out but I am glad I did. I read a book a while back where I had to answer questions about my soulmate and funny enough I always used the term “they” as opposed to “he”. As if I was leaving an opening for both sexes.
So ya, there you have it, a little update. 🙂