Beautiful


How can a word bring about such a strong emotion when it is told to you. I have heard it said to me before but never like this. Never have so many emotions come forth from one simple word. I have a hard time accepting the word. I know I can be cute and that I try to be a good person but beautiful, thats hard to swallow. I guess I am still kicking myself in the butt for my past. For a turn down a path that I still shake my head at. But also, I know that those turns made me who I am today and that I have many more in this life time. Maybe it was who it was said by, at any rate it hit me hard.

Laying in bed that night, while having my weird bimonthly swirl of emotions (I call it an invisaperiod) I couldnt stop crying. It was happy tears, but tears no less. I hate to cry, I hate to show weakness and I hate when people are around when I do. But that night, I was actually comforted and after I chose to stop burying my head in the pillow I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and acceptance and it was wonderful.

Sometimes I stop and wonder to myself if I am indeed myself or just faking the Juli I want to be. But that makes no sense, my actions are my actions and its not that I am faking being strong, its that (at least in that moment) I am strong.

I do not like being doubted or second guessed. I dont like to be told how I am feeling but that I just wont admit it. But I also dont like confrontation so if someone does put me in a corner I usually do one of two things, I cry or I laugh.

I am occasionally doubted when it comes to my feelings about the person I am dating and her still hanging out with her exs and it bugs me. Believe me, if I had a problem with it she would know, but I dont.

But here is the deal, the is the very first “ship” I have been in that I havent felt the need to control. After a lot of reflection and writing I concluded my being desperate and needy would backfire every single time. So I have been working on that but strangely, with her, its easy. She is like this breath of fresh air that I have needed for so long. I have a life, she has a life and we have a life. It doesnt feel rushed or that one person has more control over the other. And contrary to what has been suggested to me, we are both very respectful towards each other.

And if, for some odd reason you are still scratching your head over “she/her” dont, because yes, I am dating a girl. And no, its isnt some random, omg my ex husband wont take me back crap, its real and its been there since I was a teenager. Jason knew my desires when we were married, I do believe he is the only one that ever knew of them. I dont know why I kept my little secret for so long. I guess those that were really paying attention could have pinned it easily.

I am sure word has traveled all through fb land and the blogsphere but for those closest to me I actually told them. My friends and family proved to me just how wonderful they are. My ex husband, well, sigh. And my parents were rather funny about it. See, back in high school dad and I had mom convinced I was a lesbian. We had her going for a while, then one day she sat me down for the “I accept you talk” and I told her I was kidding. So of course she gave me crap over that when I told her. Dads response was that he was a lesbian too and that I made terrible choices in men. lol.

Anywho, I dont know what led me to follow through with just hopping on out but I am glad I did. I read a book a while back where I had to answer questions about my soulmate and funny enough I always used the term “they” as opposed to “he”. As if I was leaving an opening for both sexes.

So ya, there you have it, a little update. 🙂




3 years ago today


I was undergoing a mess of emotions that, back then, I thought I would never be able to process. I was scared shitless, my heart was totally broken, I was betrayed, lied to and pretty much tossed to the side for someone else. Hope was 2 months old, Ian was 3 and I was a single mother. *I* was a *single* mother. I would love to forget glancing at the kitchen table, reading a letter that my then husband had left on the table for me to read. I would love to not have a rush of emotion every time I think about reading that letter.

I was stunned.
I was lost.
I was alone.

But I packed up my crap, drove me and the kids to Amarillo and tried not to look back. Jason was my everything, I didnt know how to breathe without him. And up until a few months ago, even almost 3 years after he left he was still my everything. I seemed to not be able to function without him and it was pathetic really. He seemed to only want me for one thing which, in a desperate attempt for him to take me back, I always gave it to him.

And then I stepped back, I realized that maybe I didnt need him after all. I started reading books like crazy. I desperately needed to get myself together on way more then a superficial level. I can talk a good game. I can put this smile on and fake my way through the day like its second nature. I did it for years and I could continue for years. But I didnt want to, I didnt want to be that scared little girl on the inside anymore. I was tired of doing what was expected of me. I was tired of caring what people thought of me. I was tired of living an image that on the inside tore me apart, it wasnt me.

So, with a deep breath, a promise to myself to be myself and tons of little notes taped to my mirrors and walls I started the process to match the inner and outer Juli. And thats where I am at right now and I must say its a blast.

I am not going to hold myself back for fear of being rejected anymore. And amazingly, since starting this process my relationships with people have grown much stronger. And my relationship with myself is amazing. I smile constantly, I smile because me on the inside is so happy. I made positive life changes and plan on keeping them around for the long haul.

Yes, I have changed. And no its not because of anyone but myself. And I am not desperate to find love and am rather insulted that anyone would think that about me. I know quite a few people that fall into that desperate category and that I am not. I attached myself to Jacob, this is true. But it wouldnt have happened had I not had a bond to him from years past. It wasnt a mistake, I certainly dont regret it nor do I regret keeping a certain someone else for the past few years. It is what it is and its shaped me into what I am today.

So yeah. I am still doing that little dance through the metal detector at work. I still have a goal to put a smile of people faces on a daily basis. I am still a great mom. I still have great friends (which after the past couple days I realize just how wonderful they truly are, I am blessed). I am not going through life grasping at straws of love. I am following what has been in me for years and I am actually calm, for the first time in a long time.

So yeah, 3 years ago today I started on this amazing journey of life. I would like to thank Jason for the ticket and the boot in the ass to make it on the train. lol




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