Live in the moment


2010 wrapped up in a way that I never would have imagined, I came full circle in a cloud of emotions that were tucked into a tiny part of my being that I was to scared to release.
A connection with a person from my past.
A desperate attempt to be someone who I once was.
And ultimately a loss of that person again. But this time I wont hold on to that person for 11 years.
I will move forward, I will live in the moment.
If even for a few weeks I had a return at some level of who I once was and who I wanted to spend time with.
It was a reminder to myself of the type of person I want and the type of person I don’t want.
And it’s okay that he is gone because he was here for just the amount of time he was supposed to be here.
I came full circle, got what my heart craved so many years ago and was then released.
I am okay with that.

I have a terribly bad habit of going back, of thinking of times past when life was so much easier. When taking whatever illegal drug available was no big deal. When dancing in the rain was one of the best things in the world. When having people walk in and out of my life was something to be expected. When living with 15 people in a one room apartment was fun.

And all those things formed who I am today but they aren’t who I am today.
And who I am today might not be who I am tomorrow.
I am ever evolving.
I am learning day to day.
I am doing a little dance through the metal detector at work.
And looking into peoples eyes, for longer than a glance.
I am reaching out to new people and bringing those close to me closer.

My weight doesn’t matter.
My stupid acne at 30 doesn’t matter.
My clothes don’t matter.
My hair doesn’t matter.
My past doesn’t matter.
Only now matters.
Nothing I do or don’t do can keep people in or out of my life.
Everything, absolutely everything, happens for a reason.
People come and go at the times they are supposed to come and go. I might not understand why at that moment but I will eventually.

And to this I bid adieu to my past life for it was my past and it will always be so.

Here is to a fantastic road ahead.




HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis


If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).

And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn’t mean you’re not connected, that communitie’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn’t get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Another good one…




Ahh, drama


It always helps me to just type this all out and since yall said you liked following I will put it here instead of a private blog.

Jacob dropped out of my life yet again, which I assumed would happen. I am pretty tore up about it because I dont know what I could have done different, I think we are just meant to *not* be.
I hadnt seen him since he left Saturday. I called Sun, Mon, Tues (and texted) and got no answer. Screw it, whatever, he is avoiding me so just move on.
Then last night I was at a friends (the house we were at Friday night) watching old videos from crazy times. After the last video ended Tim stood up and was walking around all weird like. He started unplugging the vcr and I noted that I had told Jason I was staying until 11.
Then he just sat down all confused like. He said Terrah is on her way over (Terrah is Jacobs ex). Well great.
He noted that she saw my fb pics, sent one to him and one to Kevin (and I am assuming Jacob) ripping into him.
He noted she was bringing someone and that it was probably her cousin.
I said no, its probably Jacob. He laughed it off and texted her to see who was coming. Sure enough, it was indeed Jacob. Her reply to him was “dont judge, Jacob”.
So then Tims phone rings and da-ta-da-taaa its Jacob. I tell Tim to give it to me and I answer totally knocking him off guard. We talk for a bit, he notes the drama and I say it wasnt me. He said he knows, thats it all him, that we slept together and that he has never had a “fuck buddy” and that its screwed him all up. He tells me he just wants his Juli back and I say I just want my Jacob back.
Poor Tim is on edge thinking he just royally screwed up, I gave the phone to him and he went back to talk to Jacob. Came back and said what all Jacob had just said.
Then about 10 minutes later Jacob calls back to talk to Tim making sure I am okay.
And I was.
Until right before I left.
And lost it totally on the drive home.
And today I have cried all.day.long.
And ate all.day.long.
I texted and asked him to call and he wont. I just need to talk face to face with him.

I am overwhelmed with sadness and I dont really know why. We were such good friends but he left me years ago when we started to fall for each other and he seems to have left me again once he started to fall. Its something about me, he wont allow himself to fall for me. And really, we could never be more then friends. He is still a kid and he has no desire to grow up. I am a kid at heart but I can still be a responsible adult.

I just wanted my friend back and he moved it to a level where I freaked out about it but he really freaked out. I dont know if we can be “just friends” again, I know I can but I dont think he is emotionally mature enough for it…blarg.

I started reading http://www.amazon.com/Love-Will-Find-You-ebook/dp/B002S6UNMY/ref=pd_ybh_5?pf_rd_p=280800601&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_t=1501&pf_rd_i=ybh&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=02JGTRBNXHX40NG628M8
tonight on my Mac/kindle.

http://www.amazon.com/Keeping-Love-You- … X40NG628M8
Is set to be ordered when my stupid new debit card comes in the mail (I thought I lost it)

Its pretty obvious that I am attracting the same type of person over and over again and I would say its come full circle since Jacob was the first to have ran away. Hopefully these books will help. I need to learn to love myself again. No one but me can make me a better person. I need to be okay with being the single girl.

And to make things even more weirdly complicated I have had this crush on this person for months now but I refused to admit it. I am admitting it now…and its a girl. Very weird for me. Every time I see her at work (she is an officer at the front gate, so she pats me down) I get this weird school girl crush feeling. Just this week we started really talking, we can stand there and just smile and talk to each other. I have NO idea where that is going but I can tell no one here because we have mutual friends and I dont want to make it weird for either of us or weird at work. But she has really pretty eyes, see… http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000049713622

I need a name for my soap opera of a life…and a forum.




I just realized it has been over a year, eep


I really need to get back into the swing of things when it comes to blogging, SO much has happened in the last year but then again so little has.

I have, for the most part, just stayed home with the kids (which is a favorite past time). And now I really am just staying home, thanks to my newly reconstructed ACL.

If I had anything nice and fuzzy to say, right now would be the time to say it. Lol.




Practice in patience


So I called on Sunday, once, no answer. Called today, texted then called again and it went right to voicemail. Or did it? I think it got one ring in and then went to voicemail. Does this mean that he “ignored” the call or that it was off?
And I freaked out a bit but I seem to be calming myself down now. But I know for a fact that if I dont talk to him tomorrow that I will have some stupid nervous breakdown.
Right now I am telling myself that he hasnt had to work these past few days so he is more then likely toasted and not talking to anyone. But tomorrow he should be at work, therefore not toasted.
I dont know how to proceed here. I am trying to tell myself to give him distance because distance is what he wants. But at the same time I would like to see him. Should I schedule certain Jacob days? Would he even go for it?
And this whole fuck buddy thing it probably going to get to me sooner than later.
But its jacob and he isnt a fuck buddy type of person. Or is he?
I keep going over Friday night with him and at the time it was perfect but days later I am picking it apart. But no, it was great. He sang to me. He gave me a new years kiss. Aside from that I got wasted but he slept with me and held my hand all night and all day.
He cant possibly have zero feelings for me yet still want to hold me.
I just need another Jacob pick me up, a kiss and a hug and a giggle fest in bed.




Once upon a time (12 years ago), in a land (circuit city) far far away…


New to some, repost for others…really long
I had this best friend. He was my everything, we were constantly together, we finished each others sentences. He would play and sing me songs. We went to the mall once and bought corny best friend necklaces (and wore them constantly). We had matching striped toe socks that we would sport around in at our place of work. We were going to get matching tattoos (a plug and an outlet). One day we took the chain off the stapler and made two bracelets, one for each of us. We were going to name our kids (not *our* kids but when we had kids when we were older not *our* as in he was the dad and I was the mom) with the middle name Rivers. He would write me little notes and leave them around for me. We were going to move to Austin together, had the place and everything and then one day he left me a note that said he wasnt my boyfriend (which I never thought he was) and that he had a girlfriend now, after that point we no longer hung out.

So he moved to Austin, with her, and got deep deep into drugs. I moved on, always thinking of him but always assumed I would never see him again. When I was in the hospital having Ian, 5 years after I last saw him, I had Jason take my chain bracelet off. I figured that was it. I wore that bracelet since the day he put it on me, taking it off was sorta symbolic. I kept the bracelet, the best friend necklace and all the little notes tucked away in a box. Jason never knew of him and never knew of the box.

Then a couple years ago for my birthday a friend told me that he was back in town and that he worked for him he told me he would text me next time he worked. So a couple days later Tim texts me and lets me know he is at work. I couldnt believe it, I was going to see my long lost friend. When I got there he wouldnt look at me, we talked but it was as if I hadnt ever existed. His teeth were all rotted out, he looked like he had been through way more then I could comprehend. He got my number but he never called. Back in March, when I bought my house and was moving I came across the old box with my best friend necklace and all the little notes. I opened each note one last time, read them all and then threw them away.

So Halloween rolls around and I am at Tims house (the one that had previously employed my friend) and he tells me that he now works at his boyfriends store and that we had just missed him and his girlfriend. Well in my head I just dodged a bullet because I didnt want to see him again. In my head I had finally processed the loss of my friend, it took 10 years but he was forever gone to me.

So that brings us to last weekend. Me and Ginta had to go to his store and I was just hoping to miss him. We walk in and there he is, I quickly walk off before eye contact is made and go looking for what I came there for. A few minutes later there he was, at the end of the aisle. Think John Cusack, lifting the stereo over his head just instead its him and no stereo is involved. lol. He says my name and I turn and say his, he tells me to come to him and he gives me this huge hug. I am practically crying in the middle of the store. He kept on hugging me, we exchanged numbers and I told him he better call this time.

That night he called me and apologized over and over again for leaving me. He let me know that he thought of me all these years. He also let me know he was single.

^ Was from a couple weeks ago, 2 weeks later we seemed to have picked up where we left off all those years ago. He even sang to me the other night, embarrassed the crap out of me though.

So does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I think it does if you had a strong connection to the person before the absence occurred. Jason told me that until a picture was posted that it was as if I had made Jacob up. I don’t know why I didn’t speak of him to Jason, I don’t know why I kept that little box hidden.

I am at such a different place in my life then Jacob is. He seems to still be Jacob, still at 17 years old. We have talked about his past, those years of total disconnect, and it makes my jaw drop. Where as me, well I did my crazy thing, got married and had kids. I have a great job, I own a house and for the most part I am pretty responsible. 😉

I have no idea what will come of any of this. I do know that I don’t want to loose him again. He tells me constantly that it was the drugs back then that made him leave, that it wasn’t himself. I have a feeling that this whole “Juli attached to someone” is rather weird for my friends because it seems as though I have gotten attached way to fast, when in reality I never unattached myself. Besides, it’s a good thing that he moved and I didn’t follow because Juli would have been methed out as well.

This whole thing is a huge practice in patience though. I have this stupid fear of being left and I have tried time after time to figure out where it started. I just have to trust the process because I truly do believe that “Everything happens for a reason”.




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