; charset=UTF-8" /> Story About A Girl » 2009 » April

Bad news first

I still feel like crap, wanting to vomit on a constant basis sucks (because of the antibiotics). I am also still out of it for the most part, got to school around 8:30am and didnt leave until 5:15 pm with no breaks, didnt even remember to go pee. lol Didnt eat either.

But the good news is I was one of the three picked out of my typography (I think 13 are in our class) class to have our work showcased in the library. It will be showcased from May1st to July 1st on the first floor.

That made me rather happy! Also made a 95 on my last math test, woot.

And with that I am off to curl up in bed and hopefully get some sleep. I woke up hourly last night. 🙁


Sara Graves- Martinez
wow! i am so happy that you are doing so well in school! wish you felt better! i will pray for you… =]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 15, 2009 – Wednesday – 9:02 PM
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High pain tolerance

Being sick happens, eh, nothing I can do about it really. Thursday I started feeling like poo and it just go worse from there. Today, Tuesday, I am finally taking myself to the doctor. I havent gone to the doc since working at nationwide back in 2001 (and that was for anxiety attacks). I had an ob when I was pg with Ian (5 years ago) but I am not counting that. And of course didnt have a doc with Hope.

I always say I have a high pain tolerance, I did after all have Hope without even a Tylenol. But this, this I am assuming sinus infection, hurts.like.HELL! Even with inhaling steam, nasal rinses, unkers out the ass, applying warm/hot compresses it has done nothing but get worse by the day.

The only way to get to sleep last night was to take a sleeping pill, thank god I had those left over from the last pregnancy. But it made me really tired today and after waking I find my right side of the face totally swollen, when I bite down I catch a good deal of tissue on that side of my face. My throat, jaw, eyes everything on that side is in pain. And my ear hurts so freaking bad, its been leaking all night/day so I put some tissue up to it to check the color out and its bleeding. Waaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

So its off to the doctor I go to throw down money.

sorry it’s so bad! i hope the stupid doctor helps! 🙂
Posted by sarah on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 4:12 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez
ugh! sounds painful! be sure and update!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:55 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
EEEWWWWWWWW! Now I am going to dream about things coming out of me ears! Doesn’t sound too good with all that other stuff involved.
Hang in there!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 14, 2009 – Tuesday – 11:28 PM
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Current mood:  blank

Tuesday, the day after the last promise broken, I said we needed to talk before we went to Portales. Promised to stay over Thursday and that he would be sober.
Wednesday, texted after 2am…didnt talk of course.
Thursday, after sitting in the truck for over 30 minutes (assuming he was sobering up) he stumbles in the door. I am sick and every touch shook me more awake. Now its almost one am, I am wide awake and dont care to be around the wine and rum breath….
Sleeping on the couch (or in the kids room with Ian), yet another promise broken.
I am so stupid.


Sara Graves- Martinez
oh, hun! you are NOT stupid! you are a woman in love. if things keep going this way that will change though. i know your heart is broken by this…
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 9:39 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Sara is right…you are not stupid, you are learning about you and what it does to both your lives, but he isn’t looking or he would have, or at least tried to honor your request.

You keep giving him chances in hopes that he will surprise you with himself.

Well suprise! Sorry!
It is a horrible disease and if started at a young enough age it usually ruins a persons life and drives the good people around them away or ruins their lives too. Do you ever watch the Intervention programs on tv? Most of those don’t work really unless the person honestly wants to change for themselves and I underline for themselves, no one else. You see all the loving, caring family and friends that are hurt and…blank. Have you heard of being co-dependent? Something that might interest you if you ever have time to read.

And it is so hard when you truly care about someone to put yourself in the middle of their problems hoping you can pull them up a little, and lose.

Keep you head up! It isn’t your fault.
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:37 PM

Not a lovely day

So our latest project in type was to make a movie poster with your own hand made type. No images (well you could add them but they couldnt be the focus). The movie had to be from the sixties or seventies.

I chose a clockwork orange. Only one was due but I enjoyed making both forms, one is a stamp I made (drew out the type, transferred to the block, carved it and inked it) and the other is spilled “milk” (which was water and cornstarch) so my intent was to turn both in.

I finished them both yesterday, called kinkos to see how long it would need take to print (a couple minutes) and an hour and 20 mins before class I headed that way to print my stuff. I stood around for a while, (Colton happened to come to kinkos to print as well) and realized that they couldnt print our documents and when I had called a few hours earlier they should have told me that the printer had been broken for at least a day. So they say they will email it over to the other kinkos and by the time we get there it should be ready. They also called them, we stood back and listened to them call and explain what happened and made sure their printer worked.

So I had colton drive since I knew he would fly through traffic and get us there quick. We got there and the one lady there (talking 6 minute drive here) had no idea what we were talking about. So I said fine, act like we didnt say anything about an email and just print what we have.

She fumbled through it not understanding what to do, the document wouldnt open, then it was the wrong size, etc (btw, the document opened just fine and was the correct size I dont know what the hell she was doing).

We get them printed (over and hour later) and fly back to the other kinkos to spray mount them in this horrible wind. He dropped me off at the door and I fly upstairs to get there in time (if we are late its auto F).

Ugh, the spray mount didnt really work and both of our posters were slowly peeling off their boards by the time it came to presentation. So my A will be a B at the most because of the shatty mounting job. I finished the project early, printed it yesterday at school but didnt like the look (wanted a glossy print) so I decided to run by kinkos instead. I already had my board cut correctly and gave myself plenty of time for a 5 minute mounting job. Its the only time I have given myself that much time and printed it professionally…and it comes back and bites me in the ass. 🙁

After class I swung by to take a math test (should be an A) then went to the store to get a few things. I get home and the board thing that dad put up on one side of the porch (so the dog wouldnt escape from the yard via my porch) had blown down and broken into a lot of pieces. Fark. But whatever, I can get the groceries in the house a little easier now. So I stack them all on the porch then move them from the porch to my kitchen floor.

The the stupid effing dog goes and pees on the bags that I have laying out of the porch. Seriously sums my day up right there. And to top it off I am getting some sort of cold, my ears, throat and nose hurt like hell.

But without further ado here are my posters. The spilled milk one I plan on reprinting (since the wind bent it bad) and remounting and framing it for the living room. Originals are 10×16 inches. The files are huge so it might take a while for them to appear.



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Sara Graves- Martinez
i love your projects, they look great.
sorry you had a bad day! bad days tend to snowball like that don’t they?
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 9:36 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
oh I really like the spilled milk one!
And I hate that Kinkos put you through all that!
I hope you write a letter to the corporate manager, along with your friend, and give em bloody ell!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:03 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I also think you did a great job on your block! that took a lot of work!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 10, 2009 – Friday – 1:04 PM
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Ians birthday Party

I need to get my butt in gear making the invites but I do have a date.

Saturday, April 25th at 4pm. Our house, will be outdoors so if you have chairs please bring them.

We will be getting messy with homemade moonsand so play clothes would probably be best. Call or text me for details.


No Parking Stopping OR Standing

If you have made it here congrats, this is one of those lovely little preferred list blogs. It will probably be opened at a later date but right now I would rather it not be.

Today was my first day of counseling and it was much needed. I finally got caught up on all my school work and was feeling pretty good. Went in to counseling and we talked, went over touchy things from my past but I kept it together…at least until we got on self image.

I knew I had a problem with the way I perceived myself but I have always managed to keep it well hidden. I am not a fan of the 50 plus pounds I have gained since getting pregnant with Ian but I didnt realize just how bad I was about it.

So I need to work on loving myself, yeah yeah, cheesy but its true.

I am going through hella depression right now. Like nothing I have ever gone through before. I am finding it incredibly hard to get out of bed and go to school, in total this semester I have missed 3 weeks of classes most of those occurring after spring break. When I do drag myself out of bed, into clothes and to school I find myself drifting off to sleep while driving. Well I haven’t fallen asleep but I am damn close.

I get home and want to do nothing. I have projects out the butt and I cant seem to get them done, laundry piles (which is fine cause we all have a ton of clothes but it sucks doing 8 loads in a day) homework and studying are shoved to the side because I cant think straight to do it.

I think I threw up at least once every day last week. Just nausious and fainty feeling and in a little zone drifting from place to place but paying no attention to the surroundings.

And I have once again taken Boone back and I dont know why. I know I love him and I know he loves me and when we are together (sober) its great. He tells me how beautiful I am and how wonderful I am, etc.

But then it never fails that he goes out and drinks on a night that he was supposed to be over here. I keep being second to drinking. I know it, it keeps happening yet I keep going back.

Its piles up in my heart, I get tired of it and I leave him. I get shit on cause I left him and he is depressed. Suddenly becoming not worthy of his love and being threatened by new people that never seemed to matter before. But maybe its cause the friends that have always mattered arent surprised and just roll their eyes, just another sob story of Boones.

So I am sitting here waiting for the backlash of the latest of HIS screwup. Me not being understanding enough because he broke a promise to me once again and it was dealing with alcohol once again.

I just wish he would get his act together. He goes on the attack when he is drunk and it sucks ass being the target. I have somehow taken the burden of him drinking out on me. Like I feel
I need to help him with it, keep a constant nagging eye on him which
makes maters worse. Its not my responsibility to keep him sober yet I
refuse to be around him when he is drunk. Ugh…

He also seems to think that pointing out that others have problems and therefore they dont have the right to talk. But we all have problems, we all have issues but I (cant speak for the rest of the world) am doing my part to help figure it out.

I am constantly going over past shit, sorting it in my head, facing it and trying to change. Boone cant see that cause he didnt know me when I was married but Jason sees it clear as day and so do close friends. I have control issues and this is something I cant control. I want him to straighten up, everyone that REALLY cares about Boone wants him to but I cant be the one to show him the light.

He keeps asking for patience but at what expense?

I am terrified of the shitty blog from Boone to come…

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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I know and can relate…that is why I am where I am. I am hoping you can share these feelings in one of your sessions, I know what will be said, and I am sure you do to… it isn’t easy to change how we are. We live off their illness thinking WE can make them change! NOT! Then it is hard to take care of ourselves.

Patience won’t fix him. He is who he chooses to be and you can’t stop that, and if you really are terrified of a letter…let him go! You have two kids that need you more than he does. I know that fear! It put a knife in my hand and very close to doing something that would have put me in prison if Harley hadn’t taken me out of the house four years ago.
Don’t do anything that would get CPS involved if you love those kids! Nothing is worth having our children taken away or spending time in a nut house or prison!
You can’t keep him sober, and you can’t watch him all the time, and you can’t be alone! It is so stressful to even remember these things. Don’t let anyone take your happiness away. Don’t forget who you are! Take care of you that is what’s important.
You are still in transition carrying a large burden with school, and pushing yourself!
The past his a history on how we got to where we are now, that is all, and there is nothing we can do to change it, except maybe to use it as a lesson on how we can walk better each day.

I’ve got 30 years of journals that terrify me to think that I let myself, and my child, be put through the things that I did! I’d hate for you to wind up the same way!

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:27 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley

We accept the way they are…or we don’t, and both ways is a hard road to travel…

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails…

So, how do we judge what love is

Posted by Always Màthair on April 7, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:57 PM
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Sara Graves- Martinez

You are such a beautiful woman. You work so hard for your little ones. You are the world to them. You deserve the best! The comment before me sums up love.
You deserve that!

Wishing I was closer…

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 8, 2009 – Wednesday – 8:16 AM
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