If you have made it here congrats, this is one of those lovely little preferred list blogs. It will probably be opened at a later date but right now I would rather it not be.
Today was my first day of counseling and it was much needed. I finally got caught up on all my school work and was feeling pretty good. Went in to counseling and we talked, went over touchy things from my past but I kept it together…at least until we got on self image.
I knew I had a problem with the way I perceived myself but I have always managed to keep it well hidden. I am not a fan of the 50 plus pounds I have gained since getting pregnant with Ian but I didnt realize just how bad I was about it.
So I need to work on loving myself, yeah yeah, cheesy but its true.
I am going through hella depression right now. Like nothing I have ever gone through before. I am finding it incredibly hard to get out of bed and go to school, in total this semester I have missed 3 weeks of classes most of those occurring after spring break. When I do drag myself out of bed, into clothes and to school I find myself drifting off to sleep while driving. Well I haven’t fallen asleep but I am damn close.
I get home and want to do nothing. I have projects out the butt and I cant seem to get them done, laundry piles (which is fine cause we all have a ton of clothes but it sucks doing 8 loads in a day) homework and studying are shoved to the side because I cant think straight to do it.
I think I threw up at least once every day last week. Just nausious and fainty feeling and in a little zone drifting from place to place but paying no attention to the surroundings.
And I have once again taken Boone back and I dont know why. I know I love him and I know he loves me and when we are together (sober) its great. He tells me how beautiful I am and how wonderful I am, etc.
But then it never fails that he goes out and drinks on a night that he was supposed to be over here. I keep being second to drinking. I know it, it keeps happening yet I keep going back.
Its piles up in my heart, I get tired of it and I leave him. I get shit on cause I left him and he is depressed. Suddenly becoming not worthy of his love and being threatened by new people that never seemed to matter before. But maybe its cause the friends that have always mattered arent surprised and just roll their eyes, just another sob story of Boones.
So I am sitting here waiting for the backlash of the latest of HIS screwup. Me not being understanding enough because he broke a promise to me once again and it was dealing with alcohol once again.
I just wish he would get his act together. He goes on the attack when he is drunk and it sucks ass being the target. I have somehow taken the burden of him drinking out on me. Like I feel
I need to help him with it, keep a constant nagging eye on him which
makes maters worse. Its not my responsibility to keep him sober yet I
refuse to be around him when he is drunk. Ugh…
He also seems to think that pointing out that others have problems and therefore they dont have the right to talk. But we all have problems, we all have issues but I (cant speak for the rest of the world) am doing my part to help figure it out.
I am constantly going over past shit, sorting it in my head, facing it and trying to change. Boone cant see that cause he didnt know me when I was married but Jason sees it clear as day and so do close friends. I have control issues and this is something I cant control. I want him to straighten up, everyone that REALLY cares about Boone wants him to but I cant be the one to show him the light.
He keeps asking for patience but at what expense?
I am terrified of the shitty blog from Boone to come…