Death happens


Death or serious injury happens on either side of the debate but why is it only a big deal when I am going against the money making grain. Why do I have to sign something saying that I am risking my childs life by *not* injecting formaldehyde, and thimerosal into them. Does that make sense to you? And no, I dont take hugs from every person that comes along. Actually, dont fucking touch me if I dont know you and certainly dont hug my kids.

But the good news is that apparently not every medicaid taking doctor around here isnt an idiot and I actually, finally, found the kids a doctor that recognizes that some parents actually do do research and know whats being put into their bodies (and thats both sides of the issue here). Just bring in their exemptions….just bring in their exemptions….faint, thats the fast way to my heart. The way to get me running the other way is to inform me that I am risking my kids life but of course vaccinations are always 100 percent safe AND effective…snort.

Its like I switch over to Charlie Brown mode, wa wa wa wa waaaaa when someone starts on the spiel. Hopefully the next convo I will have with someone will be why c sections are so necessary.

Blarg, I have gone off on a rant again. Sorry. Feeling better though. I start therapy on the 6th.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I’m with you, question everything! The majority just go along with what the docs and drug companies say…and don’t get me started on c sections!!! I honestly believe that if they had left Jennifer alone, not started her on that toxin, and then decided oh, well, the baby won’t drop so… I think her baby would still be alive! SIDS? ya, what ever!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:38 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
p.s.

have fun in therapy!

Posted by Always Màthair on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:38 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
grrrrr…..
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on April 1, 2009 – Wednesday – 8:21 AM



You are a strong person


I am not worried about you anymore.

I get it and I appreciate it but dammit sometimes I want someone to worry about me again. I see that I have put up a strong image of myself, that I am perfectly content and obnoxiously happy but truth be told I have times where *I* scare myself.

Some nights I close my eyes and start running, I cant stop, I just run and I dont know what I am running from. Its right before I fall asleep, almost there but not quite. I occasionally wake up and raise up to stop the running but the minute my head hits the pillow it happens again.

It sucks and makes for a shitty night of sleep. I am back at the point of not being able to concentrate on my work again because I am so overwhelmed.

And when I hit that point my support system seems to let me slip because, well…I am a strong person. So I am left once again to sort out the shitty stuff in my head, take a bath and blank out the world around me, lay down in bed with my covers thrown all the way over me just trying to breath.

Tomorrow will be a better day, it will be as if the past week hasnt happened. I will drag myself out of bed and to school and refocus on life itself. My face is burning from crying so much today and I really have no reason to cry…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
YOu girl are overwhelmed! We tend to take on so much and one day runs into the next and it’s like you never get a finishing point from one day to the next! And that is why you cry.
STRESS

I could mention something that would help with that but then I am sure you get a lot of try this try that comments. Talk to you doctor, let him know about what is going on with your sleep patterns. I have had that problem since I was a kid. My dad got me a multi band radio where I could get stations around the world…I’d lay there and start listening and would go to sleep. I did the same thing with a police radio, I would fall right to sleep. I was really bad about trying to solve the worlds problems when my head hit the pillow and I couldn’t shut it off!!!! Everything i did in the day would have to be justified and filed away or it would bug the crap out of me untill I had spent hours figuring out what it was that was keeping me awake. Sometimes it was something very simple and stupid like my keys not being in the right place for in the morning. Or I didnt’ get gas, or didn’t pay a bill, stuff like that. I’ve been on medicaton for a long time now for that and it’s when I go without it that it gets crazy! I’ll have to get up and do something to take my mine off it…what ever it was. I have one CD that I play every night.
It is for sleep and relaxation and I am always sound asleep before it finished, I also have a bio feedback program that relaxes me, and funny thing I can play Mahjongg for about an hour and I am dead tired and fall to sleep!

It helps to get a system in place. After the kids get to bed, turn the lights down, make sure everything is where it needs to be for the next day, make sure you haven’t forgotten to do something for the day that might make you jump up and go oh crap about.
Find some comforting relaxing music to softly play and maybe check your email for the last time, or play a simple on line game or read someones blog that you don’t know.NO caffiene! NO sugar! makes a big difference. Have you tried meditation? Or the other extreme…ti bo or something to absolutely wear you out?

I hope you can find a pattern of relaxation that will work for you.
Do you have restless leg syndrome? I used to but this medicine had stopped my legs from jerking to!

You need to get to that REM sleep!

Good luck!

Posted by Always Màthair on March 30, 2009 – Monday – 12:02 AM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
i agree with her. sleep would definately help with the strees. i do tv. i had anxiety so bad in high school that i would literaly fall asleep taking notes in coach rosens class. so i started watching tv. i would focus on the tv and forget all the things running in my mind. i think it helps to rest your mind, and then your dreams might not be so intense. i always had the ones where you wake up and cant move! those are freaky too.
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 30, 2009 – Monday – 9:56 AM
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Carol

Carol Bivens
Hey Girly! I myself understand being a strong person and how when you aren’t feeling strong no one seems to help you because they think you can handle it. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they don’t know. All I can say is, when you are feeling like you need support the easiest way(and the hardest for those of us who hate to admit weakness) to get what you need is (1) figure out what it is that would make you feel better and (2) tell someone in your support network what that thing is and (3) give them an opportunity to support you. I’m just now learning this lesson myself and have found it to be very effective….getting what you need from those you care about without the use of medication. If you are fulfilled emotionally all the other stressors in life don’t seem quite as bad.
Hope that helps!
Posted by Carol on March 31, 2009 – Tuesday – 11:29 AM
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Socks and underware go in the pocket


At least thats what I do when I am packing my bag…or wondering where those key items went to when I have arrived at my destination and need to sort everything out.

Speaking of unpacking bags, I did a little of it today. A friend of Boones needed a computer and I had my old laptop from back when I lived in Utah/Ians first six months of life. I hadnt touched the thing in years but Jason had used it for various things over the years. I never touched his laptop/computer so I had no clue what was on it.

Little things but still jaring things, numerous documents talking about how wonderful he was and how seemingly horrible I was. I read it now and it just makes me sad, all those years flying by and I never knew. Blah. Also lots of old pics and files that I hadnt seen in years…

But anywho, today marks (I think, lol) one years since our custody hearing. That was an oh so funny day, Jason had his butt handed to him by the judge. He hadnt grasped that no one, especially a judge, would find it a good thing that he left his wife to move in with his girlfreind, the one he had cheated with. Previous agreements that Jason and I had made in writing were attempted to be thrown out but the judge saw through it and Jason had to stand by those. And he did, it wasnt until the divorce that I decided to let those go, no longer being held hostage, under his finger, at least when it came to money.

Now Jason and I are great, I still consider him one of my best friends. He had grown leaps and bounds when it came to the kids. Would it have been nice had he not fallen off the dad wagon? Well yeah. But he did and after a relativly short amount of time he pulled his head out.

Enough of that I suppose….

So this weekend was Angs birthday party and we had it here. Jason was supposed to have watched the kids but was to sick to drive up here so they stayed with me. Try as I might I just cant let myself loosen up with my kids around, even asleep I still am in mom mode. But I still had a good time, it was nice to be able to go jump into my jammies, lol.

Tomorrow I have school, then I am coming home to catch up on stuff that should have been done over spring break.

Wednesday I go in to see about some counseling. Its not something I am ashamed or embarrassed to admit. Part of the reason I do these blogs is to help get it all out and I think having someone that isnt here in the middle of it all will help too. For the most part I have things under control but it obvious that the same relationship problems keep coming up with me, just with every new relationship the roles seem switched.

And with that I am off…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Let me know if you get any goood pointers on that one!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 24, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:18 AM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
hmmm, counseling sounds fun. i think it would be cool to find out what a ‘professional’ thought about me and my little ticks… or maybe not! lol! good luck with that! =]=]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 24, 2009 – Tuesday – 8:07 AM
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Love me, Hate me, Want me


Finished this up last night, critique was today. The originals are 9×9, saving them and uploading them I halved the file size so the quality is not 100%. The grittiness is supposed to be there. Had to make 3 collages of found type, the only time the computer was used was to put the document together.

Theme was love me, want me, hate me.

Love me, Want me
Photobucket

Hate Me
Photobucket

Love Me
Photobucket

Thanks for the inspiration for the hate one, yall know who you are. 😉

?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
hah! this is great.
i love that you thank the people that inspired you! you’re just awesome!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 12, 2009 – Thursday – 3:59 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
wow, interesting piece! I like it
Posted by Always Màthair on March 12, 2009 – Thursday – 8:11 PM
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Boone

Boone Smith
This is one of your best! I’m very impressed. You have picked the right field of study. I can’t wait to see what you do next. Love ya.
Posted by Boone on March 13, 2009 – Friday – 5:03 PM



Ah, I am sorry



If if wasnt for my divorce I wouldnt be who I am today. I wouldnt have stepped up to the plate as a mom (well the point that I am now). I wouldnt be in school. I would still be anti social. I would still be rather depressed. I wouldnt have friends and family so close. I wouldnt have my children socialized. I wouldnt have music back in my life…any arts. I would still feel stupid/uneducated. I could go on and on…

Seriously, this divorce was the best thing that has happened to me. The swift kick got me going and I havent stopped.

So when I tell people I am divorced I always hear, “ah, I am sorry”. To which I always reply “its the best thing that happened to me” or “you wouldnt know me if I hadnt”.

I thank the friend that recommended Spiritual Divorce, that book is great at helping you step out of the situation and see it as a positive light. And I am glad I was able to do so, carrying around hate, resentment and what ifs from years past would only bring me down. It has divorce in the title but its not meaning strictly divorce.

So no need for the sorrys, really, life is grand being divorced.

And on that note, Ginta, Dani and I are heading to Lubbock tonight (you know, the city where I had that terrible thing called a divorce) to see the post secret event. Should be awesome. I am mostly done with my type project but I am holding off on finishing them with hope that I will find even more cool stuff (type) to photograph.

I am excited to finish them up and show them off.

And with that I am off for a nap..




This type project


Sometimes I think that maybe this whole graphic design thing isnt me and then sometimes it hits me that its totally the right choice.

Admittedly I am a slacker when it comes to the projects, a few days before I am cramming so I can have something to critique and get a grade. 😉

My new type project is to take forms of type, on signs, in magazine, products etc. and make a collage. Funnily enough the theme is love me, hate me, want me. So for the past weeks I have engulfed myself in the project, who would have know that those feelings would be running so deep within me at the time.

I keep stumbling across things that scream out to me that that would be perfect, stuff so simple as my toothpaste…sensitivity.

I am much more sure of myself this semester but maybe thats cause I have a better grip on illustrator, that was such a high learning curve for me and I think I just got stuck mentally when it came to using the program.

And with that I am off for the night. Its been a great day and last night was good, nice loooooong conversation with Boone clearing up things on both sides of the fence.




Good grief


I love it when people attack me when they dont even know me. The people that knew Boone and I and our relationship (talking about people here that have known Boone and I since we were in high school) understand this big upheaval. Its not the least bit surprising to them that this happened.

We attacked each other verbally, he said shitty stuff and I said shitty stuff back. Why is that hard to understand? What relationship ends in a happy farting sunshine attitude. People were hurt and when people are hurt they start attacking. I know at least one of OUR mutual friends attacked him but you know what, she knew him. She has known him for years, the ups and downs she fucking KNOWS Boone.

Its shitty what she said but she was defending her friend. She has been in the middle of it all and witnessed some of it as well, she wasnt pulling hateful words out of her ass for the sake of pulling hatefull words out of her ass.

She was trying to get through to a friend and maybe she did.

The people that have really known us know that us together was a great thing and are sad for US that it didnt work out. But they are the people that know the both of us and have seen the growth that we both have had this past year.

And I would like to make it clear that I didnt keep Boone from Victoria and he wasnt trying to say I did.

The only person I have to apologize to is Boone and the only person he has to apologize to is me. We seem to have moved on from the mess and are working on us. Would be great if everyone else did too (is that the correct too, lol).

And its so much more then myspace drama, if you dont like it dont fucking read it. Toad, snort. Seriously.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
too- as in also yes…I love the visualization of pulling hateful words out of the arse.
I do believe that is the true origin of everything foul!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 9, 2009 – Monday – 12:49 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
ummm, I guess maybe some people have never been in a relationship [?] and maybe they don’t understand the highs and lows and breaking up stuff… hmmmm

Well good luck with that =]

BTW, I loved that you added the snort, a great touch.
Who knew you were so poetic? =]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 9, 2009 – Monday – 5:47 PM



Hate is such a strong word


In all my numerous blogs, through all the major ups and downs only once do I recall saying that I hated someone and that someone was Jason. At the time it was pure frustration, I stumbled upon a picture of him and Nicole and I lost it and point blank stated that I hated him.

Did I really hate him? No. But I have hated things he has done. The feeling of hate came and went within hours.

Hate is such a strong word, its deep and it stings to the core. I have a reason to hate people but I dont. I am actually thankful of the crap that has happened, its pushed me along and made me a stronger person.

To hate someone is to give that someone your energy and at my lowest points I needed all the energy I had so why waste it on hate?

I never said I hated Boone, thats silly. I also never said I didnt love him anymore and whether or not he still loves me is no concern of mine.

I wish him the best. I hope he can get himself the help he needs, the help he knows he needs.

I so need a break after this looooong week.




Exhausted.


This sickness thing sucks, I am over it but Ians still battling it and Hope got sent home today with a temp over 102 (and its still high after tylenol).

Ugh.

Ian has been a huge tyrant, not his usual self at all. He has his stubborn moments but this was different. Well after sitting in lecture today going through what could be different, it occurred to me that I started him back on his pulmicort to help with the cough.

And then I remembered that it was a steroid. Ugh again and well…duh.

Look at this
Side Effects

Yikes. I am normally very good at looking at anything that goes into him but his poor cough was so bad that I just jumped at that solution.

Lesson learned I suppose. Hopefully I will have my sane, sweet child back soon.

Hopes officially walking now and its super cute. I knew she would get it down but in her own time. Ians doing awesome with reading too.

Finally caught up with everything (minus a test). Here are a few of my last projects. One was for type, had to do a visual hierarchy project using body copy, letter form (so pick a letter, any letter) and a headline. It was a fun project….here are some pics. BAD quality though, the originals are 8×8 so shrunk down you miss a lot.

Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket

And here is my newest Ad for a clothing store for digital publishing. I had the headline “The best” to work with, had to fill in the rest. The body copy was set for me. Had to make the logo (the NewWear at the bottom) as well.
Click for a better view, the actual size is close to 11×12 and its no where close to a high quality save since that would take forever to load.
Photobucket

Next type project is a collage not using the computer to set type (in other words we have to cut/trace/scan etc. print from random sources). The theme is Love Me, Hate Me, Want Me. Figure its perfect timing and should be able to think of something.

Next Digital publishing project is an interactive card. I am going with the kids fortune telling origami inspired wedding invitation. Really looking forward to that.

Thats it for now.

Peace, love and hippos.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
wow, those are crazy side effects! great graphics though =] [or whatever the computer lingo is] they are super cool! good stuff…
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 4, 2009 – Wednesday – 10:47 PM
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Angry words


I understand the coping mechanism that people have when the shit seems to hit the fan but going so far as to say that I dont know what love is nor do I deserve it well thats way to far. Just because I came to the conclusion that my relationship with Boone would always have tension and therefore shouldnt continue I now dont deserve love and any love that I supposedly had towards him is now false love.

We simply didnt see the world through the same glasses, we had different views on parenting, live very different lifestyles and our religious views are completely opposite.

I “need” sex to reconnect, to share that special bond with someone. I dont think with my clit and he is an asshole for even having that cross his mind. I dont have disgusting disease that would sacrifice his well being, I had a yeast infection. He didnt seem to care that I had it when he was drunk and once again attempted to force me into doing something I didnt want to do.

And because of all those things I broke, I realized it wouldnt work and I lost trust in him yet again when it came to drinking. Comparing my desire to reconnect (which duh, relieves stress) is in no way on the same level as him needing a beer to cope. To compare the two is laughable which is why I got up and left the room.

That and his ride was there, his ride…lol 32 yo boy needing a ride to get from place to place. When I said it was over on the phone I didnt mean you were calling to try to get the relationship back I mean that, well, you are dead to me.

So swiftly things change. You are a mean person and you know it and you have for years. Notably I am being childish and blocking him, his profile is private and I would rather not have a chance to read mean stuff about me again.

Thats the last I will speak of it.




Just because it will get deleted when he sobers up, dumbass


Monday, March 02, 2009

..
……….

..


Current mood:  pissed off
Category: Romance and Relationships

..

YOU give your soul to someone,they don’t want it.They want you to
satisfy thier needs without any consideration of your own.My recent
split with someone I whole-heartedly love seems to have turned from not
my fault to “I didn’t love her enough.Because I would not fuck her
every time she wanted to relieve stress,I am the bad man.I will
not speak the words and ways she has belittled me(I probably don’t know
the half of it).I will not take any blame for what she chose to do.She
mistakes “fuck me when I want it” as a declaration of love.Not even
close.Get your mind out of your clit.Grow up!There is more to love than
daily orgasms.If you would give life(or living) an honest try you will
learn that.As for me,”Why waste time with someone who does not love
me”,you never did.You loved the way I made you feel after your loser
husband dumped you for a worthless hooker.Now that that relationship is
almost over,what?
As
lost as you were as a sapling,just have more leaves to rob the sunlight
from everything else.I am not at fault!You can tell whoever you want it
was me.It is a lie.You created the problem.Love is about
comprimise.Something you are not willing to accept.How dare you make me
feel bad for not wanting to be exposed to something I knew to be
harmful.You even tried to blame me for it.Hell,you probably still
do.That denial of faith in me ruined any faith I entertained about
you.You were not worthy of true love.I doubt you will ever be.Strike me
all you want,maybe you won’t.I know I didn’t fuck-up.

——————–

Thats Boones Blog obviously and I am taking it. Poor Boone, he is always blaming everyone else yet not taking blame for himself. Its true, I like sex. lol But if he is so naive to think that THATS what the breaking point was, well so be it.

Drunken Boone, crying into his bottle at night blaming the world for his problems. I am weak and cannot deal and it was Boone that got me through everything and I never once took Boones needs into consideration. Yup, it was all about me. I admit it, how very selfish of me.

And my looser ex husband, looser in what sense? That he is a drunk, doesnt own a car, house or have a license? Or that he cheated on me, you would know what cheating on someone would be like wouldnt you?

Your views are skewed dear Boone, everyone sees it but you. I have never claimed to be perfect and realize I brought my own baggage along. But you really need to sort through yours. Try to talk shit on me, try it, you will be laughed at even more so then you already are.

Oh and SPACES go after your PERIODS. Its really fucking annoying the way you type.

Peace love and tacos…oh and SATAN.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Why does that always seem to get in the way! Some of us can take the responsibility and step up to ownership of our actions… but I find, especial under the influence, others can’t OR WON’T! It is truly hard to understand what happened between the sexes.
Some people are really sick, and some are just plain assholes!
Boone’s does sound so poetic, or is that melodramatic?
Good luck!
Posted by Always Màthair on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:32 AM
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therefore i am
Its the thespian coming out in him. Wish I had his previous blogs, they were all mostly the same but blaming his ex girlfriend or his long time friend. Same story over and over again. He has major abandonment issues which is something I can relate to but I certainly never went to the extremes he does.

Right after he posted the blog he called me stating that he didnt say anything mean about me (or something of that matter).

Its childish and stupid, on both our parts. But my frustration over the situation pushed me to post back knowing that he will delete it sooner then later.

Posted by therefore i am on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 1:42 AM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
Well, I think I may be at a loss for words! =] I love you Juli! If you need an ear, let me know.
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 9:04 AM
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<G>
Denile is a sad thing, but the ones with the biggest egos usually can’t see the forest from the trees.
Posted by <G> on March 3, 2009 – Tuesday – 10:49 AM
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