Whoops


The homework “blog”should have been private, as in I didnt know if a word:mac file would pull up on a pc so I copied it to a blog. And to answer Sue’s question, we have to print and mount our pieces and turn in our files from the computer.

So tonight I really broke it down to Boone that “we” are no longer. I did it on Friday night but I think he thought I was just saying it. A few hours later he called trying to get me to repeat it again and I refused saying we would discuss it when he was sober.

Saturday he came over (without calling first) to get his stuff. I tried to talk to him, I really did. But it was just met with blank stares and things being turned right back around onto me. I asked if he had anything to say and he said he wasnt in the mood to talk.

He asked if he should take his clothes and I said it was up to him. We kissed and made plans for that night. He left and I had some reflection. I broke down to him, said what I needed to say and the only thing he felt the need to do was turn it around on me.

Thats not what I need, it isnt fair that the sober one is always wrong and the completely wasted one is always right. I admit to being wrong on occasion but not all the time, I am not stupid.

So he comes over tonight. We talk and he finally got that we were over. I wish him nothing but the best and I wish he would take my friendship but he wont. Its all or nothing or as he put it, I dont want to best buds I want you for a relationship.

I cant have that right now. The amazing ups in our relationship were when he was sober and the amazing lows were when he was drunk. I cant sit around hoping for sober days that lately have been few and far between. I cant let his problems become my problems thus making life for my kids that much harder.

I feel this huge weight off my shoulders. The last words he said to me while walking out the door…

I love you.

And I know he does, I just hope he doesnt turn around and hate me for this. I didnt throw in the towel, I offered a great friendship and he wont take that. Its not healthy for me to be in this situation. I just need some time to myself.

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
see juli… you are so strong, i can only imagine how hard that must have been for you! you did the best thing for you and your kids, i am very proud of you!

love you!!

btw… i am in town every tuesday if you ever want to do lunch… i know you are busy with school as well… but maybe one day you will have a free tuesday =]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on October 28, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:02 AM
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I did it


I called it off and I am okay with it.

I am.

I wont apologize for trying my hardest and getting crapped on in return. Its not fair.
I try to talk and he wont talk back, it all gets turned back around on me. Its all my fault according to him. But hey, whatever. I am sure it will all get turned around that i didnt try and that i just up and left but i did. I love him but its not healthy, i need to not be so damn boy crazy.

I can do this on my own.

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sarah
good for you! you CAN do this on your own! if you ever need to talk then call. and matt agrees with me with what i said on the phone: lesbian is not the next step! 🙂
Posted by sarah on October 25, 2008 – Saturday – 10:05 PM
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leggo

leggo de Burgerac
now start finding out what DOES make juli happy. like really makes you happy.

more love then grains of sand on the beach.

Posted by leggo on October 25, 2008 – Saturday – 10:21 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
…of course you can do it on your own, and you really will be alright. It just takes a little time to get used to the idea and that is probably why you jumped into an old friendship so fast.
Juli has higher expectations of herself for herself and her babies!
It doesn’t mean things won’t get hard, or lonely, that is part of living.
Nothing in this life…in THIS life, will be perfect and that is the true test in my opinion, being able to survive it.
It isn’t easy making emotional decisions!
(just an old lady rambling as usual!)
Forward hoooooo!
Posted by Always Màthair on October 26, 2008 – Sunday – 11:46 AM
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I dont know what to do


I dont, I just dont.

Do I really leave boone or do i give him one more chance.

What do i do?

sarah
i think you should tell him that you will not be with someone who puts you through that and makes their problems yours. so tell him that when he’s clean and ready to come find you. make him choose between alcohol and a relationship with you.
you don’t have to call me back tonight but if you want to do anything tomorrow then i’m up for it.
Posted by sarah on October 25, 2008 – Saturday – 12:48 AM
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leggo

leggo de Burgerac
give yourself the same answer you’d give if you daughter asked you the same thing.
Posted by leggo on October 25, 2008 – Saturday – 6:26 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I wrote this huge thing for you on your other blog post and your captcha didn’t like it! grrrr
what I would say, in short, is sit and seriously talk with him. And not when he has been drinking.
If you don’t want to loose his friend ship it is important that you talk about what each of you expect, if anything , from the relationship you are into with each other.
But don’t do it when you are upset or confused but have made true decisions of what you and your kids need to stay safe and grow. Emotions always get in the way. What each of you can or can’t, will or won’t tolerate.
It is important to hear what he needs in his life too, and what each of your limits are.
I think that is a good start!
Posted by Always Màthair on October 25, 2008 – Saturday – 6:39 PM
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I am an open book, probably to open


This is like therapy and the only reason I type it out is for me to look back on but also knowing that someone might come along and read it and possibly get something from it. I know reading about other peoples ups and downs seems to make me feel a little more normal.

I have been looking forward to this weekend, I think somewhere around here might be a blog about it. Boone and I were supposed to spend the weekend relaxing, talking and resetting, it was VERY much needed.

Instead I am sitting here at the computer crying my eyes out while he is with a friend. So much for resetting, right. I need support dammit, I need someone to be here for me. Last time he didnt spend a night with me it was because he wanted to spend it with his fucking cat. That made me feel like crap.

He knows I am depressed but he wont talk to me about it. He gives me no reassurance that everything will be okay.

He drinks to much, entirely to much. And in the beginning he was great about it being a rare occurrence (the drinking to stupidity) but within a couple months he was back to the Boone that everyone knows. We would come home and he would make me feel like shit and I kept excusing it away. I told myself that he was making improvements (and he was) and that I would stick it out hoping that he would get better.

Ha, he seems to be getting worse. I am scared of him when he gets really drunk. Literally I shake and have at points been in tears and dont want to be alone with him. I try to talk with him about it and he blows it off as if its not a big deal. I wont wake him when he is passes out which has made for him sleeping in my car a couple of times.

He thinks his friends have put all this crap in my head about him and the truth is is that they havent. Stuff was brought up in the first month of us dating but we have never sat around and had a pow wow talking about his behavior. He seems to think everyone is out to get him. Thats silly though, if all his friends have this opinion (that seems to run the same from person to person) then maybe its not that they are all wrong, maybe its that they are all RIGHT.

Fucking a, do some reflection and stop blaming everyone for your behavior.

I can do this, I can survive, I am a strong person and deserve so much more then what landed in my lap. It sucks because I love him, I really do, and I know he loves me but this destruction of my being is not worth the love. I know this so why cant I just release him.

I feel like karma is kicking my ass big time. I was mean to Jason, I admit that, I reflected on it and changed my ways last October. He didnt know how to react to that and just left me. I didnt deserve that at all and my kids didnt deserve it either but it happened and I cant take it back.

But now I feel like the tables have been turned and now I am the one that is put through verbal abuse but so much worse then I ever was to Jason. Its not fair, or is it?

The worst part of this night is that I broke down in front of Jason. Boone called right when I was handing over the kids and I just lost it. I dont want to appear weak to him, I dont. Yet there I was bawling in front of my ex husband asking him if I was such a bad person. He offered a hug (because I was there for him when he needed it a few months ago) and I turned it down.

How fucking confusing would that be to be bawling in my ex husbands arms over my current relationship. I just wanted to melt into a big puddle of “take me back, please”. But then his dad walked in so I grabbed my pizza (he brought me my fave pizza from lubbock) and left. With tear filled eyes I occasionally pulled over on the side of the road to wipe them so I could actually see.

Life was so much easier a year ago, I wish I could just reset it all. I am so miserable with my life right now.

And yeah, I am leaving this here for all to read. Its stuff I have kept inside that only Ang really knows about. I know she is at the point of wanting me to just leave him, she sees/hears it all. She spent the night with me the night he chose the cat over me.

I just dont know what to do, or maybe I do but I am to scared to do anything about it.

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leggo

leggo de Burgerac
give yourself the same answer you’d give if you daughter asked you the same thing.
Posted by leggo on October 25, 2008 – Saturday – 6:24 AM
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So cute


I didnt get home last night till tenish so the kids got to sleep later than normal. I laid Hope down and she was fine, went to go wash bottles and fix them for the next day and in the middle of that I swung around and hit something on the counter to make it fly across the kitchen. Thus waking up Hope into a crying fit, ugh.

So I am still working on bottles so Boone goes back there and starts talking to her. I know that wont get her to sleep, it only makes for a more frustrated Hope so annoyed I walk back, flick on the light and tell him to stop because it wont work. He matter of factly said, “Can I just try”.

So I flicked out the light to let him try and sure enough after a few minutes he had her (and Ian) asleep. He walked in the living room just beaming and I apologized for getting after him. Guess I am just used to my way but my way is a way that Boone obviously cant do (nurse her) so he opted to dance, sing and hum with her around the room.

So so cute but I felt like a turd for jumping on him.

Looking foward to the weekend!

And I figured now would be a good time to better explain myself when it comes to a support system. I have one, I know I have one, if I didnt have one I would have probably been locked away in a padded room by now. I was referring to relationships, how I seem to be the giver and it seems to always be that way. So no one think that dont think I am getting the support I should. I get it but its not the same as when its from your significant other. Make sense?

And I got my hair chopped off and dyed, chopped off a ton and its REALLY dark since my poor hair soaked up the color like crazy. Just means it will take more time to fade. lol




The soft smooshy one


I hear, constantly, how great of a person I am, how much I have helped so and so. I hear how warm and caring I am, I hear how I am such a great ear. Its nice and all and makes me feel great but when am I going to get it in return? I seem to be the hammock on the way down that everyone seems to land on for safety. Its like I have this desire to find people that I need to help and engulf myself in helping them to the point of loosing myself. Its a vicious cycle when it comes to me and relationships, I need to find some sort of balance.

On another note, last night in my insomnia stay up past 5am crying stage, I talked with someone that I hadnt talked to in years. We have said things back and forth but not talked talked and it would have been better to be face to face but still it was nice to reconnect. I cant believe after all these years (8 or 9) that he still remembers me biting his head off about something stupid, so freaking stupid. But once he brought it up I remembered it clearly, man I was such a bitch once upon a time. You see, we went to the warped tour and when we got to the hotel that friday tony ran out to the car to get some stuff and accidentally left my trunk open the whole night. The next day before the concert there was my trunk, wide open and I threw a fit about it and from that point on our friendship faded away.

Silly huh? Me freaking out of such a trivial thing, nothing was stolen and freaking out did nothing but make things worse. I seem to have a bad habit of that.

So heres to old friendships seen in a new light.

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leggo

leggo de Burgerac
oh hey, thanks!

but um the first part, is that me?

i didn’t mean to make you a hammock.

i’ll shut up and just listen, if you need. at least i’ll do my best.

Posted by leggo on October 21, 2008 – Tuesday – 3:00 AM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
well i have plenty of room in my hammock for you to fall if you wish=]

i hope things get better!!

lots of love!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on October 21, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:09 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
My mother calls it, picking up strays. I had a real bad habit of picking up lost animals and caring for them, although I think with humans it is a little different, like picking up Harley’s dad thinking I could change him…NOT!
It is marvelous to be a good listener, all of us need someone to listen to us! But like you say, the good listeners, whether they can give good advice or just listen compassionately, very seldom gets the same in return. I am one of those, the good listener, but when my chips are down there aren’t that many that I can call that have the time to sit and listen to me. A lot of that might be my fault for being such a hermit.

Trivial things…ya, lots of drama over arguments on trivial things. I understand completely! It is sad that there is a person I know that will never understand the scars left from arguments over trivial and stupid things.

Posted by Always Màthair on October 21, 2008 – Tuesday – 4:33 PM
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sarah
absolutely any time you want to come over you should! i’ll have you lay on my couch and i’ll doodle on a legal pad while you talk. it’ll be fun! 🙂
that’s how i feel with a lot of people in my family. it’s a good thing matt lets me vent a lot or i’d probably have gone on a killing spree by now!
Posted by sarah on October 22, 2008 – Wednesday – 2:35 PM
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Better


I feel much better.
I think it was the lack of sleep…

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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I am glad you feel better!!!
Posted by Always Màthair on October 21, 2008 – Tuesday – 4:35 PM
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? Jøå??? ?
im glad u do tooo!!!
nahhhhhhh..its bcuz u saw me today in class:-P!
Posted by ? Jøå??? ? on October 21, 2008 – Tuesday – 4:39 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
that could be true… i am the worst person when i dont have sleep… i am emotional… forgetful… grumpy… and sometimes even mean…

glad your better =]=]

lots of love =]=]=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on October 21, 2008 – Tuesday – 9:05 PM
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I deserve something more


and I know it but I am to afraid of letting go for fear that I will never find happiness again. I have this fear of being alone, its irrational but its there.

I feel like no one will ever want me again so why even try to move forward. But my current situation is bringing me down more then up. I hate this, when did I become so scared, weak and timid? I promised myself that I wouldnt let this happen but it has. I try to explain it away but its becoming obvious to everyone that this isnt working.

Who put it in my head that I need someone? Why was it, hell why IS it always thrown in my face that I cant do it on my own, that I need someone to support me. Why?

I am tired of crying.

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
oh, juli…

past experience had showed how strong you are…. remember when you just knew there was no way you could have both the kids by yourself… and now you are doing a great job! you can be strong… we have all seen it. it is there [your strength]

please call if you need an ear… my phone is always on k

love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on October 20, 2008 – Monday – 7:03 AM
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Towel laundry


I am thinking this whole school thing is going to be a wash. The numerous projects to bring home are stressing me out. The realization that this supposed two year degree has now turned to at least a 3 year is also stressing me out. By the time I am done with school I will have an ass load of loans to pay off.

I am burnt out already and feel as if I would be just as burnt out with a smaller load. I just have no desire to bring crap home, at all.

I just want a job, thats it, a job. And a new set of hair since I royally fucked mine up last week.

I cant sleep, tossing and turning in bed trying to figure out what to do.

Its this stupid month, I am so ready for it to be over with.




Dear McSame


Down syndrome is NOT the same as autism.

Just thought you should know this…

xoxoxoxo,
Juli

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
this is hilarious… i love the xoxox. what an infomative letter!!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on October 16, 2008 – Thursday – 7:49 AM
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That was weird


My dream that is. I dreamt that I told Jason he needed to “pay” for what he did to me/us and he broke down and said that he had, that he got caught up in a gay prostitution ring. Oh my…

Anywho, last night Boone and I went around and around again about Jason. He cant wrap his head around the fact that I dont want to see him fail. I seem to usually take the higher road and a more positive route and dwelling on something completely out of my control does no good. Plus I am not an idot, I know that if Jason fails then that will effect the kids. Whether it be monitarly or emotionally it WILL effect the kids.

He doesnt believe that. Shrug. I figured it would be attractive to have someone not constantly talk crap on there ex. Of course I get frustrated with Jason and vent about him but in the grand scheme of things its a rare occurance.

I feel better today, stayed home from school with the kids. One of which that is getting on my last fing nerve and is about to take a nap.




Cycle


Another vicious cycle of a weekend. Way up happy and content then feeling like shit to ending on an okay note thanks to a million apologies. I knew it would be yet another hard weekend. When Boone does theater stuff it stresses our relationship big time. I enjoy the shows and the people that make them but his focus is that for a couple of months and by the time it all winds down I am thoroughly exhausted.

When shows are over he always hits a sad bump in the road, after all it is the end. And with all the shows before I didnt really get it but I do, at least in some sense, get it now. It feels like yesterday that I ordered the screenplay and music, went to kinkos to print up entirely to many pages, copied cds of the music, typed out the schedule.

I really enjoyed the show and the cast was great, the show probably could have gone on a couple more weeks and been an even greater hit. Every week more and more people came.

Anywho, strike is happening right now. What goes up must come down I suppose. Looking forward to my next sit around the house playing games drinking hot chocolate and watching movies RELAXING weekend! And then maybe sneak out of the house at night to catch a haunted house or two.

I got my tattoo finished yesterday. Its pretty, I love it and it seems to embrace my life. I bloom, am beautiful and at my peak I seem to get swept away with the wind. I also dyed my hair back red, I just dont like being a blonde.

KITE
that cycle of weekends goes on forever…………
Posted by KITE on October 12, 2008 – Sunday – 12:23 PM
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sarah
speaking of this weekend and tatoos. i think i embarrassed matt when i said i was staring at your chest. especially since the music had just ended… 🙂
Posted by sarah on October 12, 2008 – Sunday – 3:00 PM
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Matt
That is not true, I thought it was conveniently funny the music had just ended. Ahhhh…milk duds.

Anyone wanna take the PCAT for me?

Posted by Matt on October 12, 2008 – Sunday – 4:45 PM
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Looks much better on a mac…


Seriously, this image looks horrible on my laptop but at school the two images meshed perfectly and looked as if they were one realistic image. Anywho, our project was to take two products and mesh them into one. So I chose a gun and a flower vase.

Thats all one graphic, as in the “artwork” is all done by hand. It could be much better but I ran out of time. 🙁

So glad tomorrow is Thursday!

?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
pretty cool… you are one talented chica!! =]
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on October 8, 2008 – Wednesday – 6:51 PM
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Either she is waiting for a ton of snow of a ton of rain…


Either way, this typography teacher will be prepared. Todays fine shoe of choice, black snow boots, pants tucked into the top of them of course.

Anywho, class was today and not one word was said to me or the girl next to me. Everyone else she walked around to, us? Not so much. lol

You could tell she had been talked to, I didnt hear her insult one student which is a first.

I am so exhausted…

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
INteresting! congratulations for having the courage to open the box!
Are you taking your vitamins??? Take a good deep relaxing breath when you feel the crunch, it should help you keep your smile!
Have a GREAT day! Seriously!
Posted by Always Màthair on October 8, 2008 – Wednesday – 6:45 AM
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Bound and determined to have a good week


I know I will, I can feel it.

sarah
if dinner one night will help let me know! 🙂
Posted by sarah on October 5, 2008 – Sunday – 11:22 PM
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I hate it when the depression hits


I swear today (and last weekend) I have cried at the drop of a hat. Its so frustrating not having someone “here” to talk to. Yeah, I have plenty of great friends but convos over the phone only go so far. I need to be able to see the person I am talking to. It really makes me miss married life.

I am getting that totally overwhelmed, oh shit what do I do feeling again. School is eh, I like it but wonder if its really the direction I need to be going in. Not really school as a whole but this whole graphics thing, I love doing it but sitting behind a computer staring at some adobe program will probably get old. I am such a social person, are social people doing graphic design? I thought they would but man, when we do presentations hardly anyone says a thing and usually when they do it comes out awkward and forced.

Is something more social the way I should go. Before the graphic design thing I thought of some sort of social services route but assumed that the burden of the job would come home with me. But going to school and being such a “voice” makes me think that I should probably take that “voice” and use it for the greater good.

Now making graphics for some sort of design company with a “hippy” view would be awesome but in Amarillo, I think not. And even in a big city, yeah right. I dont want to be know for doing an awesome tampax ad dammit, I want to be known for doing something that makes you think.

I am realizing that thats slim pickings. I feel like at 28, married and divorced having 2 kids I shouldnt feel 14, lost and unable to figure out what I want to be when I “grow up”. I feel like I have to get it all done now but if I get it done now and hate it later then will it all be a waste?

Any advice would be helpful. Yall know me, tell me what you think. Tell me what you think I would be good at. Please!

About the depression thing. In my closet is the playdoh thing I bought for Ian when I was pregnant. About thirty minutes before Jason would come home I would lay out a sheet with a big piece of plexi glass on it and let Ian go to town. He would play for a while and by the time Jason got home he would be bored with it. I picked it up and Jason always shook out the sheet when he came home.

Also, the two times nicole came over…

Let me interject some info here, we had my homebirth planned from conception but no one in our families knew about it. For local backup Jason picked a friend he trusted to come be with/pick up Ian if anything happened. So a couple months before I was due this person came over a few times to bond with Ian. This person just so happened to be the person that Jason had an affair with (and it still with). Yeah, it still stings to know that he wanted this person to be there when I was in labor. The very thought of it makes me vomit a little.

…they played with the playdoh. Thus the playdoh reminds me of her and of Jason. Two things I would rather not be reminded of.

Anywho, the playdoh thing is in my closet and Ian can see it and when he sees it he asks to play with it. I cant get that playdoh down, I just cant do it. I need to throw the stupid thing away actually and get him another set. But just asking to play with it sends me into this “how things used to be” mode that I dont like.

I get stuck in it seemingly forgetting the growth and happiness that has happened in these last 7 months. Almost feeling like I would throw it all away to have someone here daily to talk to but thats silly and I know it.

I am piled with laundry, dishes and homework but have no desire to do it, any of it. But the piles of crap to do make me nervous and unable to concentrate, its like some sort of loose loose situation. I need to get up and do stuff but I am so depressed about doing it alone that its just piles. Thats not to say the house is gross but a days worth of dishes drives me bonkers. This is coming from someone that would freak if ANY dish was left in the sink for any amount of time. Use it wash it, thats what used to happen.

I just need to snap out of it, quickly. I can always tell when I am lonely, Ian sleeps with me. The 4.5 year old snoring has this sort of calming effect.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Bless your heart, you are trying to move forward with your life so fast to forget the past that it just jumps up and bites the crap out of you!
First thing I would do…GET RID OF THE DAMMED PLAY DOUGH!!! and get him so me fresh stuff! Quit procrastinating on that tidbit girl!
Get rid of anything that sets you off right now that reminds you of him or her. If you can’t bare to throw it away, PUT it in boxes, or plastic bins, tape them closed and move them to another property until you can objectively look at it and it doesn’t hurt anymore!!! I’d say at the least two years, then you should be more stable to go through the stuff and see what you really need to keep if anything. I got that from my own situation with Harleys dad…after moving out it took me two years to find myself again and feel secure and loosing the co-dependant guilt trips that I was on for so long. It wasn’t easy, I cried a lot, tried to be nice to him, but came to understand that he has his own path he has to walk and I have mine. I was trying to carry us both and I was blinded by living with his addictions.

Next, you need to take yourself out somewhere alone and listen for that still small voice that talks to us with the things we know are right for us, but that we are afraid to listen to.
That voice that gives you that feeling of truth, of the oh ya! Of the gifts that you were blessed with that will make your life pleasurable again.
Listen to life around you, listen to your thoughts away from the madness of humanity.
If you decide that you may not be going in the right carrier direction any longer take a look at what else you could do!
Your right about Amarillo…your not going to find the openness and variety like you would in a bigger city, but at the same time Amarillo is safe, small and seems like we all come back!
There are a lot of ecological things going on right now that a lot of young people are getting into. All the green stuff and all, the aging baby boomers, retirement issues, health and education issues. Somewhere in there you might find yourself!
And lastly…lighten up on yourself, get out in the sun more, laugh, sing, dance for the shear joy of being able to! Don’t be afraid to ask for help! YOu have been through a lot, and now may not be the time to load yourself up so much…and I don’t know how you feel about antidepressants and anti anxiety meds but don’t wait until it is uncontrollable to get help help in that area too!!!!
Make yourself at lest do your dishes and that might make you feel like doing something more the next day and the next!
I wish I had the right answers for you, because I truly understand. But we have to listen to our own heart for the right answers for ourselves! …baby steps!

Posted by Always Màthair on October 4, 2008 – Saturday – 11:42 PM
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leggo

leggo de Burgerac
i love you.

that is all.

you are loved and special.

know it.

embrase it.

be at peace.

you are loved.

Posted by leggo on October 5, 2008 – Sunday – 5:24 AM
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Kara
Oh I so feel for you Juli! I know how it feels. Have you considered going to Family Support Services for some counseling? I know, nobody wants to go to counseling, but I really think it could help with having someone to talk with. As to career paths, you know only you can make that decision but being an advocate (aka social worker, etc) is a very draining job and though it is rewarding, it is depressing at a whole new level. Anyway if you ever want to ask any questions about that I would gladly give you my thoughts. Well just wanted to say hi and tell you I’m thinking about you!
Posted by Kara on October 5, 2008 – Sunday – 9:40 AM
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Can I get kicked out of a class?


When I was young I wanted to be an attorney. Why? Because I liked to argue. In high school my favorite class was…debate. In college (ten years ago) my favorite class was speech. Get the picture? I dont mind standing in front of people and talking, I have no problems voicing my opinion and if you are wrong I will let you know. It takes a lot to get on the bad side of me but when you do it usually isnt pretty…

So the crap hit the fan in typography today. I got my quote grade back today…C! Not a deserved C either (if its a deserved c then I take it like a big girl like I did with my C in comp ill). So today we get our quotes back with a post it. I look around at other peoples and they all have good grades, Bs and A+s. So I put my post it on my head and call the teacher over to ask whats up.

I should start by saying that when we presented them (and this class is totally informal) I was one of the few that actually got up and said anything. And one of the first things I said was that I was originally doing a fear and loathing quote but she didnt like it so I scrapped it. Then I talked about the quote I had done and noted that I downloaded the font. I mentioned the font thing because she attempted to talk another student down for downloading one because last time the teacher tried to do that her computer locked up and she had to pay 150 to fix it. Sorry, but thats sad. If your to stupid to think that every file on the internet is corrupted then I will happily correct you…and I did. I didnt do it rudely, just mentioned it. She snottily told me that I was risking it downloading stuff and I then asked her how she did anything on the internet if she didnt download anything. She looked stupid/er so I changed the question to how do you get fonts. She said she paid for them, I went pfffftttt in her face and walked away. lol It was in jest, this lady is odder then a 5 legged duck but apparently she is the almighty and I shouldnt question her, especially while standing in front of the class.

So that brings us to today and my C. I asked her why I got a C. She told me to go outside and talk to her and I refused saying that she could talk to me in class. I dont trust the lady at all and knew that a handful would hear our conversation. Anywho, her answer was that I told the class she didnt like my original. She proceeded to tell me that it wasnt that she didnt like it but that I couldnt get it to work. Thats not true, I was having trouble with the lay out and thats why I called her over but when she told me multiple times that she didnt like it then I got the picture and changed the quote.

She wanted to go outside again, I refused.

I said and I quote “I refuse to kiss you butt for a good grade”. She didnt like that at all and was pretty much flabbergasted that I said such a thing. Soooo, she tells me to apologize to her, like I am some sort of child. I refused to apologize, for one I wouldnt mean it. So she tells me that that hurts her feelings and I said join the crowd. She didnt “get it” so I repeated it and explained myself saying that she is hateful and cruel to people.

At that point she wanted to take it outside again and I refused to do so, again.

So then she said I was unprofessional and I let her know that saying the F word and shit constantly wasnt very professional either.

Its all a blur from there but I left the class shortly after.

I am pissed that she is wasting my time. The younger kids in the class probably dont care but I do. I want my degree but because I want to learn the field. She is screwing us over because she has taught us not one damn thing, nothing…nada. I can make a good grade but I will still have to take it over with a real teacher so I can actually learn typography.

Look, I love me. Self absorbed statement, probably. But I like that I have enough self respect for myself to NOT be a suck ass. It might bug a few people but I really dont care. I would rather have my friends be my friends because they like ME not some facade of me. I have always been this way and its got me a lot of respect, even from my bosses.

I dont understand the suck it up walked all over attitude. I will never degrade myself like that, never. I will stand for what I stand for no matter how against the grain it is and around here that happens a lot. If I am wrong I will apologize but dont talk to me as if I am some sort of child.

I wouldnt doubt if a few people left class today, picking there jaw up as they left. Whatever, she can kiss it as far as I am concerned.

You know what really makes this whole thing funny? My original quote, the one I told her I was going to do (but changed my mind last minute because the fear and loathing one kept coming to me).

Ready for it?

Well behaved women seldom make history.

Hows that for irrony?

?SaRaMiChElLe?™

Sara Graves- Martinez
wow… that sucks, you should be able to do something about her, is there another teacher that you could maybe switch to, because you are obviously not going to be treated fairly since you dont want to kiss butt. some people realy need to re-evaluate their career choice, i see it all the time. people who suck at what they do or hate what they do…. well now i am rambling… hope things get better =]=]=]

lots of luv =]=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on October 2, 2008 – Thursday – 8:28 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Ha! I like it!
I think these people have been around kids coming fresh out of high school too long and are used to little mousey frightened children that they can control and won’t express their freedom of choices and may not have a clue what they are doing …not expecting too many adults that aren’t afraid to speak up and question another supposed adults reasoning.
Good going! You showed people that they CAN stand up and speak and be heard! It isn’t what the teacher approves of, it is the work in the idea of trying to be creative and original in the work you and others are doing that will hopefully give them greater job opportunities in their lives! It is the professors job to interact and support those ideas and not view others work according to their personal standards.
It ain’t easy being a rebel!
We need all the originality and creativeness that can be unleashed in this world!
That is what I think anyhow!
Posted by Always Màthair on October 2, 2008 – Thursday – 10:58 PM
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Luke
*applause*

*throws roses*

Very well done! Glad you finally told her to her face. Too bad I wasn’t on a work order up there, I would have brought popcorn for the class and kicked back lol. Hopefully she got it through her thick skull what she’s doing, and if she didn’t, hopefully the rest of the class did and tries to raise hell about it. You may still be able to talk to your advisor as well and try to get a special transfer due to this ordeal.

Awesome second quote too, very ironic indeed.

For what it is worth, if I ever get a work order, or even see one from her, I think we’ll have some fun 😀 Make sure she really thinks she can’t download anything on the internet. Buwhahahaha! *scheming face*

Posted by Luke on October 3, 2008 – Friday – 8:16 AM
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I think he has pneumonia…


Ian still has a fever, it comes down after tylenol or motrin but after a few hours it flares right back up. Poor thing is burning up at the moment, flipping back and forth in my bed. So I wont be taking him to school again tomorrow…

About this math class. I have already missed enough days that my max grade would be a 3.0 and even then thats with perfect scores on everything (which wont happen). I wont risk my gpa for it so I have elected to drop it and then take the one below it next semester. Its been entirely to long since I took a math class (13 years).

I dont know the basics of algebra and I should in order to not get lost. Yeah, I can study and play catch up but when I have 4 other classes with multiple things going on in them then catch up doesnt seem to work.

I know better next semester to not take 15 (or shall I say 27) hours. Its just to difficult.

I am so exhausted, when Ian has fevers I hover him since he has a history of febrile seziures. I left typography early to come home and finish some projects and fell asleep while working on one. Figured I needed a nap so I napped for an hour before Boone called, waking me up.

It will be past 2 when I go to sleep tonight, joy.

Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Remember we have two minor emergency facilities that are good places if you need to use them!
Posted by Always Màthair on October 1, 2008 – Wednesday – 10:59 AM
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Renee
Oh man, that’s rough all around. I’m sorry your little guy is sick, and it’s terrible that you’ve had to drop your class. You’re right though, dropping it is for the best. I hope things get back on track with both of you really soon.
Posted by Renee on October 1, 2008 – Wednesday – 3:41 PM
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