October 28th, 2008
The homework “blog”should have been private, as in I didnt know if a word:mac file would pull up on a pc so I copied it to a blog. And to answer Sue’s question, we have to print and mount our pieces and turn in our files from the computer.
So tonight I really broke it down to Boone that “we” are no longer. I did it on Friday night but I think he thought I was just saying it. A few hours later he called trying to get me to repeat it again and I refused saying we would discuss it when he was sober.
Saturday he came over (without calling first) to get his stuff. I tried to talk to him, I really did. But it was just met with blank stares and things being turned right back around onto me. I asked if he had anything to say and he said he wasnt in the mood to talk.
He asked if he should take his clothes and I said it was up to him. We kissed and made plans for that night. He left and I had some reflection. I broke down to him, said what I needed to say and the only thing he felt the need to do was turn it around on me.
Thats not what I need, it isnt fair that the sober one is always wrong and the completely wasted one is always right. I admit to being wrong on occasion but not all the time, I am not stupid.
So he comes over tonight. We talk and he finally got that we were over. I wish him nothing but the best and I wish he would take my friendship but he wont. Its all or nothing or as he put it, I dont want to best buds I want you for a relationship.
I cant have that right now. The amazing ups in our relationship were when he was sober and the amazing lows were when he was drunk. I cant sit around hoping for sober days that lately have been few and far between. I cant let his problems become my problems thus making life for my kids that much harder.
I feel this huge weight off my shoulders. The last words he said to me while walking out the door…
I love you.
And I know he does, I just hope he doesnt turn around and hate me for this. I didnt throw in the towel, I offered a great friendship and he wont take that. Its not healthy for me to be in this situation. I just need some time to myself.
Sara Graves- Martinez