I have a new installed lcd, not really anything I ever want to do again. Way to many tiny screws and I was a nervous wreck installing it (scared I would break the new one).

Also have a new ac thats NOT a swamp cooler, the house feels much much better.

And I heard back from the craptv guy letting me know when the screenplay and sheet music for Cannibal! will be sent. Not as early as I would have liked (it was 12 shipping) but at least its going to be here though really late.

I am so freaking tired…still.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Glad your LCD screen is working now! Welcome back to blogging. 🙂 Hope you get some well deserved rest soon.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 31, 2008 – Thursday – 9:19 PM
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Matt
You’re kidding me. Cannibal! the musical! I watched that the night before I got married.

The sky is blue, and ALL the leaves are green, the sun’s as warm as a baked pa-ta-toe. I think I know precisley what it means, when I say it’s a sphdoinkle day!

Something like that. Oh that movie is funny.

Posted by Matt on August 7, 2008 – Thursday – 11:37 AM
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Ramblings from the weekend


So the weekend was good for the most part. I stayed home the whole time which means no break from the kids so by Sunday I was pretty much on edge. Thankfully Boone kept me centered, it was a good day just sitting around and being together. He fed Hope for the first time and it was so cute. Ian didnt want anything to do with me and pretty much attached himself to Boone all day, so much so that he would sit down in the floor next to him and kiss his cheek and tell him he loved him.  Awe.

It was just a good feeling, it felt right. Now all I need is a decent air conditioner and I would be even happier. I love weekends where we just sit around with the kids.

And to switch subjects…

I think everyone at some point in time has a reset button hit, its just that some peoples buttons really turn your life around. I hit a reset when I met Jason and I will stick with the old saying that everything happens for a reason. I thought that was the final big change in my life which obviously it wasnt.

Since I have been back here I have met up with various friends from my past and just about all of them have fallen off track and gotten back on (or are working towards it). Its so odd hearing from someone that you havent seen in 5-8 years, hearing their journey of ups and downs. I wish their were some sort of split life where you could see what would have happend if you had chosen the other path but then again its probably best to not look back.

CrazyRED
IMO It isn’t necessarily about the destination, but the journey you take to get there. No regrets, Juli. Life is too cool to be mired in regret.
Posted by CrazyRED on July 28, 2008 – Monday – 9:52 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
I like to think I have learned from my past and am working on a better tomorrow. I am thankful for the mistakes I have made then so I can enjoy my life now. I just know if I hadn’t gone through the hellish 10 years I had, I would have never had my beautiful children nor would I have met my husband now. 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 28, 2008 – Monday – 10:06 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Lean not unto thy own understanding…

I wanted to be a professional artist and had the chance to go to Taos and be tutored by a very famous artist that lived with my moms cousin. I am still not sure when I look back that not letting me go because of their homo fobia was the best thing for my life, I would have loved to live in Taos in the artist colony back in the late 60’s. I know what my life could have been instead of struggling through all the other crap. I might have not contracted Hepatitis-C, nor have cirrhosis if I had that chance, nor applying for SS disability at 55…but I would have never had Harley, and lived through all the hell his life has been and I think I would have really missed having all his friends be adopted children in my life and watched them grow the same way I did through the experience of life as it is.
We do learn, and grow by our life path. The big thing to me is not to regret what could have been, because it never was! But it is interesting to look at the road behind us and where the road is taking us…
and to use the words of Mr. Garcia, “What a long strange trip it’s been!”

Posted by Always Màthair on July 29, 2008 – Tuesday – 4:21 PM
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Its killing me not being able to blog


Going on almost 2 weeks of majorly smashed up laptop screen and its really getting under my skin. I just got a new cord yesterday and sadly I will take my tiny viewing space over my parents slow butt 28.8 dial up connection. It took me 49 minutes the other day to order the new cord and a new lcd.

For some odd reason I totally brainfarted on the fact that I can hook the laptop up through s video…the really really odd thing is that Boone reminded me today that I could. So I connected it and got the pictures from the past 2 weeks off my computer (which I will post when I have a new lcd) but for now I will post a lone pic of my laptop screen…

Sad huh?

I really have nothing new to say. Still not officially divorced and I am sure it will be that way for a while. Jasons attorney seems to have rode the short bus to school (she wears flip flops and hot pink bras to court AND has a hotmail email address, snort) so I am sure it will be a while before anything is typed up.

I have spent the entire weekend at home which strangly I havent minded at all. I keep having these odd dreams about legos because of this addiction that I have to my lego indiana jones game. Poor Boone gets drooled on at night, what is with me and drooling in my sleep? I guess I just sleep that well.

Ians doing decently well with putting himself to sleep though the attitude he strikes occasionally is getting rather old.

Hopes doing weird sleep things again, where she sleeps for really long stretches. Crawling all over the place, from one end of the house to the next. I have yet to find something that she doesnt want to eat.

I have had a stomach ache and a head ache for the past few days, dont know why but it sucks.

I think I am going to sleep now even though Boone and Caleb should be here within the hour. I am so freaking tired and I feel like crap. And no I am not pregnant (thats like REALLY impossible) but I feel like it in the “sick and worn out first trimester crapstastic feeling” sort of way.

This blog is the most random blog I have ever left…

Oh yeah, comment people! I know you people read these because I get a ton of hits after I post one. I think you can even comment even if your arent on my friends list…hmm…to lazy to check that at the moment.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Sorry bout your laptop. Hope you get it fixed soon. We all have the blah days-it gets to be like that after a rush of emotion and so much going on. All of a sudden you sit there thinking what the heck am I going to do now? Things will get going soon, meanwhile, enjoy it. What is it about slow ass attorneys?
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 27, 2008 – Sunday – 3:04 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
i love the updates on the family… they are great.

i almost fell out of my chair laghing when you described how professional jasons attorney is. that is some pretty good reading right there…=]
=]
=]

sorry about your laptop that sux!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 27, 2008 – Sunday – 3:20 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
A bimbo divorce lawyerette…very appropriate attire for the court room. Win your case while you look at me pink underooz!
So what happened to your laptop anyhow?
Sorry you are not feeling well, I hope you are ok! Anytime I hear about people being sick I pray that they don’t get what I have! I know how you are feeling! It might be the heat, it always makes me sick! I do much better at night…in the dark.

YOU DROOL!!! EWWWWWW! Could that be used like a, you rock, or you suck kind of thing?

I saw you put Boone on your friends list, I had to click on him…didn’t get much since it’s private, but I found the picture of the last supper very disturbing! My first thought was sin eaters, then I noticed other things…interesting rendition.

Well, hope the kids settle, and your ills settle and the divorce GETS settled soon.
Sue

Posted by Always Màthair on July 27, 2008 – Sunday – 5:53 PM
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The List of lies


The blog Lo has been unlocked
April 30, 2008 – Wednesday- Lo

The following is a thread I posted on my message board. In my dear Juli letter Jason states that he listed lies, these are the lies. Some are tiny, actually up until Nicole they were little things but the last paragraph sums it up for me.

The man I thought I married was just a facade, I dont know if that makes this whole thing easy or hard to swallow.

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 9:39 am

I would normally blog about this but seeing as how I still need to get divorced I am sharing it with you all. I saw him yesterday and made him email me the list.


Its so hard to say good bye and I feel so used and betrayed. He slept with her at least 15 times in the last month, heck not even a month. I just want to puke.

I am meeting with my attorney today at 3pm, he has no clue. The house should be moved down by friday.

Day 1: first date before Ginta and Steven married.

-didn’t ask you out again because I was afraid all I would want to do is make out and stuff.

-during the summer, I dated 3 girls, including Naomi.

-when we got together in August: between August and November I was out with Naomi 4 other times, holding hands, kissing and all.

-when we broke up, it was because I wanted to date somebody else (not Naomi). Bad plan, so I came back after a short time, and told you that I “didn’t want you to join the church just because of me.” I did it so that if you didn’t take me back, at least you wouldn’t hate me.

-briefly entertained the thought of dating Stacy instead of you (you once asked me if I had, and I told you “no.”)

-in December, before going to Utah, I went out with Naomi another time (this is what I told you about over IM while I was in Utah).

In Utah:
-I wasn’t excited about you coming up to Utah, because I was afraid that if we broke up that you would a) hate me, b) be stranded up in Provo with no friends. (I told you that I was very excited)

-I consistently lied about my workload for classes. I always told you I had no homework so that we could hang out, because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

-I entertained the thought of dating another girl in one of my classes, but I kept that to myself. Nobody (not even her) knew about it.

In Amarillo (with my parents)

-I contemplated an anullment twice (only in my head. I told nobody, and it was not suggested by anybody)

-When we house-sat for your grandmother, and I would go to my parents to use the computer, I just did it so that I didn’t have to be in the trailer. I didn’t feel comfortable there. Work/School Applications/side projects and all the stuff I told you I was doing was a lie. Sometimes I just played video games.

In Lubbock (before grad school)
-I was never ok with skipping work or school to take you to the Dr.’s office (granted, this was before I knew that you had “white-coat” syndrome, so this was more an act of ignorance on my part than an outright lie).

-When Ian was born, I tried to get out and go home to shower or go to school because I couldn’t stand being in the hospital. It wasn’t because I had to finish assignments.

-I would lie about finances so that I could curtail your spending on cloth diapers, because I figured it was easier than talking to you about it. I would then lie again so that I could convince you that we had the money to buy something I wanted (games, dinner, whatever)

-About half the time that you couldn’t reach me on the phone was because I turned it off, not because there was no signal or the battery died. I would have rather stayed with my friends or finished work/homework.

-I enjoyed it when you were absorbed in your message boards, because I figured that you would start to need me less.

-During this entire time, I would mentally keep track of all the things you did that I disliked. Instead of bringing them up when I should have, I chose to sit on them until things exploded. This way I could bring them up and use them against you. I figured it would make you want to leave, or it would make you give in to whatever it is that I wanted.

Then there is the situation with Nicole.
We kissed for the first time around the middle of October. I think it was the day that you and I argued about the number of calls/messages I was using on my phone. We would go out to lunch frequently (if I ever bought, I tried to use the Capital One card). If there was a long break between classes, we would sit in the library and read poetry. If we ever left school at the same time, we would talk on the bus. We would kiss before getting into our cars and heading home.

When you went to go to Amarillo, I did nothing, except sit around for an hour. The first person that I called was Nicole. I asked her to come over, and I didn’t call Dad until she came over. She was present for the majority of the phone calls you made that night. Then she came over the next day as well.

When you told me to cut her off, I did attempt to have that conversation like you asked. But while talking, I decided that I did not want to do that, and the two of us determined to be friends and just not tell you. We would keep it at school. I lied about everything that I told you she said, and every exchange that we had thereafter.

We communicated only at school thereafter.

I did, in fact, know that those two texts were Nicole’s. In all honesty, however, I was telling the truth about their contents: I did forget one message, and the other was about her needing a ride to her car because she drank too much the night before.

Nicole was assigned as my TA for school. I knew about this during finals week (second week of December). I didn’t tell you, because I figured you would either try to make me change the teaching assignments, or hound me every day about my activities. I figured it was easier to lie than to deal with that.

The last day I was at school in December (the 17th or 18th) is when Nicole and I had sex.

We communicated via e-mail the entire winter break.

The Tuesday before school started, we had sex again. I intended to do work, and I did some work. I just did other things as well, instead of coming home early.

I knew that you would have preferred that I stayed home on MLK day. I would have rather been at school working, though.

When I was unable to sleep at night, and started leaving for school at 5:30am, I would only go to school and work about 60% of the time. The rest of the time I would go to Nicole’s, and we would talk or make breakfast or something, and go to school afterwards.

All of this is not including the daily mix of lies about pornography (even after I told you about it), our finances, even how my day went. Sometimes my intentions were “good” (I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or worry you), most times my intentions were selfish. I paid careful attention to what I thought it was that you liked about me, and I tried to present that picture all the time. As such, I never “let you in” in any meaningful way. I always hid portions of myself from you, at first because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore, but as time went on I did it to purposefully keep you out. I also want to make emphatically clear that I have never lied to you about Ian or Hope; how they have behaved, how I have behaved with them, how I feel about them, or anything of that nature.




Because I know at least one person is curious


This is all about Boone for those curious as to how we even got together.

I had a crush on him at 14 and for almost 14 years we were separated only by a person/s (mutual friend/s). I heard plenty about him through out the years and he heard plenty about me as well.

We “met” last year around Easter, him and Jason butted heads rather badly.

We “met” again a month and change later at Kites party and we really connected. And this is Boone we are talking about so by the end of the night when everyone but me, Ang, him and Kite were gone they stripped down. Okay, those that DONT know Boone wouldnt understand, those that do probably wonder why it took so long for the clothes to come off. I am not shy with nudity, the human body has never been anything to make me uncomfortable and I dont equate nudity to sex, never have and never will.

We continued our conversations through out the night. Nothing happened between the two of us except that we connected, so much so that I knew that talking to him again would be a bad thing. Not because I would cheat but that the conversations we had would have best been spent on Jason so WE could connect again.

And that was that. When Jason and I split in October I didnt even think of contacting Boone because I desperatly wanted to fix my marriage. When we split again in February I didnt talk to him until I knew we were over a month later.

And sure enough, when we “met” again we fell for each other to the point of no return and months later we are still together (sorry ex girlfriend that I am assuming reads these, you cant have him back).

For months I felt guilty about fallling for Boone last year. Nothing happened between us but I still felt bad about it. I felt that somehow me connecting with another male that way somehow gave Jason an open to connect with someone else. And yes, I was honest with Jason and told him about Boone.

Then, a couple of weeks ago I was talking with Jami on IM and she helped me (just one of the many times) see that maybe both of us connecting with someone else was proof that things really werent all that grand. And she is right, the only difference between me and Boone and Jason and Nicole is that I (I should say we, Boone would never help be a product of an affair) stopped anything from happening between Boone and I and Jason continued his relationship to the point of an affair.

But things had been off with Jason and I from the begining. He had thoughts about me that were so deep that I had no clue about until February. I didnt realize until it was pointed out the hate he had for me.

He strung me along until he found someone that would “save” him and it took him almost 5 years to do so.

So there you have it.

sarah

sarah groves
now i know that when i meet boone i need to leave before the clothes do! 🙂 (and since boone probably reads these: hi boone! i’m sarah!)
Posted by sarah on July 18, 2008 – Friday – 2:17 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
my curiosity has been satisfied…..

=]
=]
=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 18, 2008 – Friday – 10:02 PM
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1am and finally…


1am and finally getting to sleep. Note to self:when child closes the door and puts himself to sleep expect sleep not to happen and total nudity.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
hee hee hee…….
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 18, 2008 – Friday – 9:56 PM
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So its over


I wont say much until everything really is final but I did have my “divorce” today. To say that Jasons word is worth as much as monopoly money is an understatement. I totally expected it but I dont understand how he can look someone point blank in the face and lie over and over again.

I feel sorry for him, its some sort of mental illness. Every single thing he agreed to he went back on. Every.Single.Thing. Even stuff that he said he would pay for last time we were in court. I mean there is lying to me and then there is standing in front of a judge and lying under oath.

Kind of makes you wonder what else he is lying about or what he has lied about in the past or what he is probably lying about at this very moment.

But you know what? I am fine with it all. Heartbroken? Yes. But knowing that he is an habitual liar just makes it that much easier to not want anything to do with him.

Donna and Angela as well as dad came down to Lubbock with me today. We giggled the whole time, took pictures and just made the best out of a bad situation. These are two women that I am proud to call my friends and long time ones at that (20 and 14 years and going) and thanks to this divorce I have grown even closer to them.

So its the beginning of a new life. A life that I never in a million years thought I would have but I am happily accepting of it. I felt no anger towards Jason today, I only feel sadness for him.

If you look at me I am beaming, glowing, happy and confident.

He just looks like a lost puppy.

Once the divorce is one hundred percent final I will unlock all my “private” blogs and lots more to the story.

I am so glad its over, so so very glad.

Previous Post: Life is goodBack to Blog List | Next Post: 1am and finally…

Karen Jane
Like I said yesterday…. you are one of the strongest women I know. I love you July.
Posted by Karen Jane on July 16, 2008 – Wednesday – 1:53 PM
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Life is good


So I go in and get Hope from her nap today to discover that she has stripped her diaper off. 7 months old and she has already figured that part out.  She is already impossible to change, she flips over and crawls away as soon as she is put on her back. She is progressing right along, sitting up, saying mama and trying to mimic anything else that she can (including coughs and sneezes).

Ians doing great. He cleaned up the living room tonight with  no arguments at all. He is even putting himself to sleep. Well he almost is, I give him and hug and a kiss goodnight and tell him to go lay down and he makes it about halfway (meaning the bathroom) and lays down and goes to sleep. So after 30 minutes or so I pick him up and lay him down in bed. The goal of course is to get him to lay down IN his bed and fall asleep but its baby steps. And no, I dont feel the least bit bad or guilty that he falls asleep on the floor, it was alway my favorite sleeping spot when I was a kid.

So the divorce is in just a few days and I am a bag of mixed emotions. To hear that its over, officially (as in now I check a different box) over is going to be hard as hell. I know its over, part of me knows it was over from the moment we said “I do” but the other part of me still loves him and I know that I always will but just in a different way.

I feel like the hate, frustration, jealousy, loneliness, depression, grief, anxiety, bitterness that I have felt since October will finally have a chance to be laid to rest.  But at the same time the joyful, happy, loving, outgoing Juli is finally getting herself back with the help of awesome friends and family.

So right now life is good…no wait, its awesome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, so I went to move Ian from the floor to the bed and he had already done it. Awe.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Ian and Hope are too cute. I will be thinking about you over the next few days. Take care and hats off to you for moving on. Life IS AWESOME.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 14, 2008 – Monday – 8:11 PM
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So yesterday was my birthday


I am not a fan of holidays or days centered around me. To many years where things have just gone to poo. I even had a few years go by where no one told me happy birthday, not even my parents. All the years Jason and I were together nothing special was ever done, no gifts or dinners out with just the two of us.

This year was different. Right after midnight Boone called to wish me a happy birthday along with saying I love you a good 20 times. I went to sleep that night beaming.

Woke up still as happy as could be knowing he would be over sometime after 6 so we could go out to dinner. Right after 5 he walks in and hands me my present. I open it and its the wii version of lego indiana jones. He knew I wanted mario kart but couldnt find it (its hard to find still) so opted for the other that he knew I mentioned a while back ago.

So sweet, he actually listened to me babble on about something, took mental note of it and bought it for me.

Anywho, we got ready to go to Fridays to meet the girls for dinner. We sat and talked for almost 2 hours, even had my birthday ice cream. I am so dense that when they people came out with ice cream I was looking around to see who else was having a birthday.

Finished eating (Boone bought dinner as well) and me ang and him went to r and r to sit for a bit before going back home.

Came home and we talked for hours (this is nothing new).

That was my birthday and it was wonderful.

Tomorrow is lunch with Sarah.

Saturday night we are going out to celebrate it some more…starting at r and r around 9 and then who knows from there.

6 days till d day.

sarah

sarah groves
whoohoo! i made it in a blog! glad your birthday was rad!
Posted by sarah on July 9, 2008 – Wednesday – 8:30 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
oh juli!!!!

i am soo sooo sooo happy for you!! congratulations!!

sounds like you guys had great fun!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 9, 2008 – Wednesday – 8:36 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Glad your birthday was a great and memorable one! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 10, 2008 – Thursday – 10:59 AM
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