The blog Lo has been unlocked
April 30, 2008 – Wednesday- Lo
The following is a thread I posted on my message board. In my dear Juli letter Jason states that he listed lies, these are the lies. Some are tiny, actually up until Nicole they were little things but the last paragraph sums it up for me.
The man I thought I married was just a facade, I dont know if that makes this whole thing easy or hard to swallow.
Mon Feb 18, 2008 9:39 am
I would normally blog about this but seeing as how I still need to get divorced I am sharing it with you all. I saw him yesterday and made him email me the list.
Its so hard to say good bye and I feel so used and betrayed. He slept with her at least 15 times in the last month, heck not even a month. I just want to puke.
I am meeting with my attorney today at 3pm, he has no clue. The house should be moved down by friday.
Day 1: first date before Ginta and Steven married.
-didn’t ask you out again because I was afraid all I would want to do is make out and stuff.
-during the summer, I dated 3 girls, including Naomi.
-when we got together in August: between August and November I was out with Naomi 4 other times, holding hands, kissing and all.
-when we broke up, it was because I wanted to date somebody else (not Naomi). Bad plan, so I came back after a short time, and told you that I “didn’t want you to join the church just because of me.” I did it so that if you didn’t take me back, at least you wouldn’t hate me.
-briefly entertained the thought of dating Stacy instead of you (you once asked me if I had, and I told you “no.”)
-in December, before going to Utah, I went out with Naomi another time (this is what I told you about over IM while I was in Utah).
-I wasn’t excited about you coming up to Utah, because I was afraid that if we broke up that you would a) hate me, b) be stranded up in Provo with no friends. (I told you that I was very excited)
-I consistently lied about my workload for classes. I always told you I had no homework so that we could hang out, because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
-I entertained the thought of dating another girl in one of my classes, but I kept that to myself. Nobody (not even her) knew about it.
In Amarillo (with my parents)
-I contemplated an anullment twice (only in my head. I told nobody, and it was not suggested by anybody)
-When we house-sat for your grandmother, and I would go to my parents to use the computer, I just did it so that I didn’t have to be in the trailer. I didn’t feel comfortable there. Work/School Applications/side projects and all the stuff I told you I was doing was a lie. Sometimes I just played video games.
In Lubbock (before grad school)
-I was never ok with skipping work or school to take you to the Dr.’s office (granted, this was before I knew that you had “white-coat” syndrome, so this was more an act of ignorance on my part than an outright lie).
-When Ian was born, I tried to get out and go home to shower or go to school because I couldn’t stand being in the hospital. It wasn’t because I had to finish assignments.
-I would lie about finances so that I could curtail your spending on cloth diapers, because I figured it was easier than talking to you about it. I would then lie again so that I could convince you that we had the money to buy something I wanted (games, dinner, whatever)
-About half the time that you couldn’t reach me on the phone was because I turned it off, not because there was no signal or the battery died. I would have rather stayed with my friends or finished work/homework.
-I enjoyed it when you were absorbed in your message boards, because I figured that you would start to need me less.
-During this entire time, I would mentally keep track of all the things you did that I disliked. Instead of bringing them up when I should have, I chose to sit on them until things exploded. This way I could bring them up and use them against you. I figured it would make you want to leave, or it would make you give in to whatever it is that I wanted.
Then there is the situation with Nicole.
We kissed for the first time around the middle of October. I think it was the day that you and I argued about the number of calls/messages I was using on my phone. We would go out to lunch frequently (if I ever bought, I tried to use the Capital One card). If there was a long break between classes, we would sit in the library and read poetry. If we ever left school at the same time, we would talk on the bus. We would kiss before getting into our cars and heading home.
When you went to go to Amarillo, I did nothing, except sit around for an hour. The first person that I called was Nicole. I asked her to come over, and I didn’t call Dad until she came over. She was present for the majority of the phone calls you made that night. Then she came over the next day as well.
When you told me to cut her off, I did attempt to have that conversation like you asked. But while talking, I decided that I did not want to do that, and the two of us determined to be friends and just not tell you. We would keep it at school. I lied about everything that I told you she said, and every exchange that we had thereafter.
We communicated only at school thereafter.
I did, in fact, know that those two texts were Nicole’s. In all honesty, however, I was telling the truth about their contents: I did forget one message, and the other was about her needing a ride to her car because she drank too much the night before.
Nicole was assigned as my TA for school. I knew about this during finals week (second week of December). I didn’t tell you, because I figured you would either try to make me change the teaching assignments, or hound me every day about my activities. I figured it was easier to lie than to deal with that.
The last day I was at school in December (the 17th or 18th) is when Nicole and I had sex.
We communicated via e-mail the entire winter break.
The Tuesday before school started, we had sex again. I intended to do work, and I did some work. I just did other things as well, instead of coming home early.
I knew that you would have preferred that I stayed home on MLK day. I would have rather been at school working, though.
When I was unable to sleep at night, and started leaving for school at 5:30am, I would only go to school and work about 60% of the time. The rest of the time I would go to Nicole’s, and we would talk or make breakfast or something, and go to school afterwards.
All of this is not including the daily mix of lies about pornography (even after I told you about it), our finances, even how my day went. Sometimes my intentions were “good” (I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or worry you), most times my intentions were selfish. I paid careful attention to what I thought it was that you liked about me, and I tried to present that picture all the time. As such, I never “let you in” in any meaningful way. I always hid portions of myself from you, at first because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore, but as time went on I did it to purposefully keep you out. I also want to make emphatically clear that I have never lied to you about Ian or Hope; how they have behaved, how I have behaved with them, how I feel about them, or anything of that nature.