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The last 24 hours

This is Jasons weekend and when no one had come to pick Ian up by 4 yesterday I called Jason to see what was up, he said he was on his way. So he walks in, Ian on my lap and Hope on the floor in front of us (we were all sitting on the floor). He came in and sat right in front of us, saying hello to Ian and picking up Hope (which he never does). It was sweet but she didnt react to him like she does with Boone, she lights up the room when he talks to her.

So anywho, we sat and talked and talked and talked…finally. It felt really good, the last time I really talked to him was before our custody hearing. The weekend after I was annoyed with him, I mean he did try to get away with not paying the extra 400 and I was just annoyed. The weekend after the custody hearing he walked into the house as if nothing had happened and asked if I needed anything (which is what he has always done before). I told him yes, hook up the cd player because I had no idea how to do it. He said sure and headed back to the bedroom to get the cords (I was on the phone at the time). I freaked out and told him to stop, that I would go get the cords. I freaked out because Boone was back in the bedroom and I didnt want him to see him. Ever since that day Jason has been off with me, that is until yesterday.

So yesterday, before he left, Boone called and at the end of the conversation (and it was obvious I was talking to Boone) Boone said I love you and habit, I said I love you back. Jason just looked at me, sort of empty-ish.

Before he left I told him that Hope has been waking earlier and to call when Ian wakes up so he can come get her. 8:45am and still no call so I called him. He sounded like crap, crap crap. I asked him if it was his sinuses and he said yes, among other things. Said he didnt sleep at all last night and that it would be better if I brought Hope over because he didnt trust himself to drive. So I packed her up and left.

I admit, on the drive over I had a million and one things going through my head. What if he wants me back, what if he tries to kiss me, what if the dream I had the other night (about him and Nicole splitting up) was true. So I get there walk in, he takes Hope and I ask him what is wrong.

He says its all just caught up to him, with school he was so focused on passing (he made a C in one of his classes, this is coming from someone that has always had a 4.0 or better) and that now that school is out its all just hit him and hit him hard. Said he was up all night puking, blah, blah, blah. I said “do you have any idea how many sleepless nights I have gotten, complete with puking, where I had to wake up and parent a newborn and a 4 year old all by myself?”. He said he knew and that he was sorry and thats why he said for me to bring Hope over even though he felt like crap.

I asked him how him and Nicole were and yes it was a genuine question. Being so everything with Boone, I kind of understand where Jason was at a few months ago. Being so in love with this other person yet obligated to me and the kids, its an odd position to be in and in order to heal and move on I have put myself in his shoes the best I can just to try to figure out the why and hows of it all. Anywho he admitted that things were okay but that they could be better.

Well of course its bliss and all when lust is the only thing thats driving you but when the world comes crashing in on you thats when a relationship will succeed or fail and I am thinking that fail is what is about to happen. I think he has known for a while now that I am happier now then I have been in years and I think yesterdays “I love you” just sealed it for him. He sees that I am moving on, happily. He sees that I can do this parenting thing on my own, I mean two kids down in less then 20 minutes at night, no way could he do that.

He told me time and time again that he just wanted me to be happy and that he was not the person that I could be happy with. He was right, he is right but now that its really happened I think he is taken back by it.

So no crying into my arms asking to be taken back, he is to prideful for that, but I know he is feeling it now and I know that he is just now looking around at what he is missing. I can see him staying with Nicole because he doesnt want to fail again. I pity her, I really do. Jason is so lost, what she fell in love with is not what she has now.

Btw, he had no clue that I hadnt received the child support until the 13th, his attorney said she would send it the next day. When I told him that she didnt send it until my attorney called her he was floored and apologized. The divorce should be sometime after mid June and he asked for the time to be set sometime in the afternoon so I dont have to get the kids up at 5am to drive to Lubbock.

So all in all I feel calm. I knew something was going on with him but he is just not the person to admit it until everything has already fallen apart which is exactly how we landed here in the first place. Its just going to happen again and again, everything is going to keep falling apart (relationships, jobs, etc) until he learns to be honest with himself and other people.

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WoW!! you are such a great friend, even to this, we will say guy to be nice, guy who has betrayed you and your children and lied to you and been very… un-nice…

Juli you are such a strong and GREAT woman!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 29, 2008 – Thursday – 9:10 AM
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It worked

So tonight was the first night both kids slept in their room and it worked. 9 pm they were both dressed, Ian hopped into bed and I nursed Hope. She finished, I laid her down in her crib, sat back in the chair, Ian held my finger and they were both asleep in less then 17 minutes!

Lets hope this sticks, I have free time at night…woot.

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go you!!!!


Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 19, 2008 – Monday – 9:40 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Sleeping alone can be bliss. Congratulations to you! I know you miss them but it helps everyone out in the long run. Here is to many more restful nights ahead! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on May 20, 2008 – Tuesday – 12:08 PM
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3 months

Current mood:  calm

So the 13th was the 3 month mark. Time, time has flown by but at times it has stopped in its tracks. The amount of growth I have done in these 3 shorts months has been amazing. I really  believe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me but at the same time it is still the  loss of a dream, but would that dream have ever even occurred?

I am fine a good 95 percent of the time but that other 5 percent is when all time stops, its as  if I look up and see everything falling and I just cant stop it. I revert back to what ifs and  start seeing occurrences that I KNOW were bad times in a different light, its like I try to trick  myself into thinking that the bad wasnt so bad and that it really would be better to just go  back to the way things were.

I know thats not true, I know in my heart that this divorce is best but when things start  getting out of control all I want is the familiar even if the familiar was curled up in bed  crying myself to sleep. I at least knew that. I at least knew Jason would come back. But you  know, the night before we split I did spend the night crying in bed and he touched me very softly with a finger mumbling nothings and in the morning he was gone, gone for good. So I  guess he didnt always come back, did he?

So I am rearranging the rooms and can I just say that moving a king memory foam mattress by  yourself just doesnt work. I think I can do it all on my own but its silly times like that when  I realize that I cant. I was putting the drawer back into the crib and all the blankets fell out, I havent seen those blankets…touched them, since Jason and I split. The blankets that he would swaddle her in every night and then get her to go to sleep. Little things, little things  like blankets make me just pause and think stupid thoughts that are all over the place. Things  like “daddys little girl” all the way to “he would swaddle her in this for the night and a few hours later leave to be with Nicole. He could have stayed in bed with us, watching us both sleep but instead he left, how stupid am I to think that he wasnt up to anything”. I dont know, this  whole thing is just odd. I go back and think of times when I know I needed help and go over what  he said to me, why didnt I see that he didnt want to be here…its so obvious now.

Anywho, this past week and change has been a roller coaster. Extremes highs that are followed by  extreme lows, complete and total happiness followed by doubt, over and over again. When the doubt happens I think that I can never be happy again and then the happiness comes and I wonder what on earth I was thinking, of course I can be happy because I am happy.

Maybe its that Ian is not here, its that key piece that has been here for four years. Or that I  know Jason is here in town, just knowing that he is here makes my stomach floppy. I want to talk to him but at the same time why even bother, I cant trust a damn thing that comes out of his  mouth. Yet I am the bad guy to Nicole, Jason can do no wrong even though he has lied too/betrayed EVERYONE of any importance to him yet I am still the bad one. Huh, why even care what she thinks,  right?

Pink, I cannot believe it but pink has made its way into my wardrobe and I enjoy it. For years I hated pink, even said Hope wouldnt be dressed in it yet its now welcomed by me. For so long all  I had was black tshirts and bluejeans, never tried to change it. Its still my staple choice, comfort all the way, but it feels nice to put on clothes that actually fit me and arent black.  That right their is proof that I have had an attitude change, when all I wanted to do was blend  into the background (which was impossible with blue, purple, yellow, etc hair). Now I want to be noticed, I want to strike up conversations with new people. Its so refreshingly nice.

On to the cuteness of earlier today. Hope and I were at Boones, he has his daughter this weekend.  So I am feeding Hope and she asks where the bottle is, I tell her she doesnt have a bottle. She  is looking at me oddly asking why she doesnt have a bottle and I tell her she gets the milk from me and that she was also breastfed as a baby but that her daddy gave her a bottle. So she keeps trying to get Boones attention, “daddy, daddy…look!”. So I can tell she is still wondering why I am feeding Hope with my breast so I let her know that thats how cats feed their babies,  thinking she would get this because one of the outside cats just had kittens a few weeks ago.  Well no, not quite, she turns to Boone and proclaims “daddy feeds patches (thats Boones cat) with  his…?”. Oh man it was hilarious, patches is Boones baby but not that way.

Then Eric walks in the room, glances at me and then turns quickly putting his hand in front of  his face. “Sorry Juli, I am so sorry Juli.” What, you cant see anything, its fine Eric. “Well I dont want to embarrass you.” You are not going to embarrass me Eric. “Well then I dont want to embarrass myself.” Then I heard Boone laugh. Good times, good times. The funny thing is that both Victoria and Eric have seen me feed Hope before but I guess this time they actually noticed what I was doing.

So this is my life right now, Saturday night at 9:17pm. Hopes asleep for the night, living room door is open, cd player is softly playing a final fantasy soundtrack, crickets chirping,  refrigerator humming, fan whizzing, the light is on above the sink and the lamp is on in the  living room. Silence basically, much needed silence. I think I will go take a bubble bath.

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Karen Jane
I love who you were. I love who you are now. I know how hard it is to get yourself back to those points. I am proud of you, and I love your pink shirt. What a strong woman you are Juli. Have I said that I love you?
Posted by Karen Jane on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 1:20 PM
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i agree with karen jane… you are very strong… and loved =)
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 1:30 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It is a process, like everything else we have learned in this life. Give yourself time…it has taken me the most of two years to be able to go back and forth to the Garfield house, to even be around Jerry, and then going to see Harley, then comeing back here to be in my parents house again… as I learn again who I am and what I believe in, it gets easier, it doesn’t hurt as much, and I remember what ever has gotten me/us to this point, good or not, is all part of the program of being human, dealing with emotions and situations and learning that things can be ok.
the hardest part is letting go of what we knew, and picking up on what we need to get us along now and not letting ourselves get too strung out on why’s what’s and is fors…
Have a mentioned bio feedback to you? When I thought I was going to have to do chemotherapy again for a year or more, I knew I would need something to keep my mind grounded and whole this time so I bought a wonderful computer program called The Wild Divine.
The doctors decided against chemo, and this is the most wonderful calming meditational bio feedback training I have ever experienced! It has taught me how to control my energy, my depresson, my anxieties, my living in the fear of the past that should have NO effect on my present!
It is good to write, good to keep journals. When I read mine from the last ten years I cannot believe I managed to stay in the situation I was with a child that was suffering through the same hell I was…I was so wrapped up in my messed up life that too many times I didn’t stop to look at what was happening to him! YOu want to talk about being blind! We are resilient! And with time and good people around us, we can learn to be whole again…a second change to do it all over again, BUT the way we learned it should be, we hope!
Just give yourself time, and live!
Posted by Always Màthair on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 5:41 PM
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a real diary entry

That side that I have been warned about time and time again, I saw it and it scared me. It wasnt even all that bad but it certainly made me realize that we will only go so far in this relationship if he doesnt cut out or at least cut way down the drinking.

I know not to wake him up when he is tired and has been drinking but Saturday night all I wanted was to be held and he just wouldnt do it. Now, I had been drinking myself and was in the whiny I need attention stage but our two attitudes that night clashed big time. All I wanted was a hug and all I got in return was a fuck this and fuck that, it was so not cool and I was actually scared. No way will I put my kids through that, no way will I have him come home and pass out and go off on my kids if one of them happens to want a hug. Now, after a bit he went out and had a cigarette he was fine but still, it scared me.

Sunday wasnt all that better, we didnt get all that much sleep on Saturday night and Sunday we had to get up somewhat early to take him to golden corral for mothers day. He was supposed to spend the day with me and the kids but for the most part he stayed home and…slept. Unfortunately I woke him from his slumber around 5 and he was again…pissed and I was again…emotional.

Then Monday night we talked it all out, thankfully he is the one that brought it up. I was so scared to bring it up but at the same time I knew it had to be discussed. We talked it out and I was feeling great again. We spent the whole day together today and it went well then I dropped him off at rehearsal. Rehearsal is over at 10 but he had two previews at two different bars tonight. So he calls up at 11:20 saying Caleb will drop him off later. I ask when later is and he says an hour. I bet more then anything that I wont see him until 1am and he will be annoyingly drunk, pass out and disregard me. I want to see him but at the same time I am scared to see him. So its 11:50 right now…when will he be home and how will he act?

I hate this pulling at the heart strings crap. I go from so high with him to so low in a matter of moments and its depressing. He doesnt understand that for the past 5.5 years the person that was “there” for me wasnt really here.

I need to get it through my head that Boone wants to be here.

I also need to get it through my head that I shouldnt bother him when he is sleeping, its a habit I had with Jason.

Also, no more kids, not with Boone, not unless he can get the being woken up thing under control. Now I dont want any more kids any time soon but I will want them eventually. The first few months after baby are hard and I need someone to help me at night and if he is going to jump at me well then no more kids which probably means no more Boone.

I dont know, I am rambling here. Probably just trying to waste time when I should really be sleeping. I do love him and he is so special to me I am just so scared, not that he will leave me or that I will leave him. I am just scared to see that side of him again, scared to see it even worse. I dont like it when he is mean to me, no one would like it but he just doesnt realize that he is like that when its happening.


Private or public…which one will it be?

Current mood:  loved

I cannot believe how fast time goes now. When I was with Jason I would watch the clock and when he didnt get home by 4:30 (which towards the end that never happened) I would start to get very anxious. Now 4:30 flies by and I dont even notice, heck sometimes time flies so fast that I forget about dinner until the very last minute. But not only do the hours go by fast the days, heck weeks fly on by. Unfortunately waiting for this divorce feels like an eternity though.

Ians still doing really well with his behavior. Jason is keeping him from the 9-19 (with the exception of mothers day) and we have been prepping for that. I have never been away from him for that long of a time but I know he will be in good hands, I am still going to miss him big time though. In that time I am rearranging again, moving all the toys to the big bedroom along with the crib and Ians bed and putting my bed in the tiny front bedroom. Both kids are sleeping fantastically now and mom would like a room of her own now, somewhere that isnt cluttered with toys. Its something I need, I will miss having them right next to me at night but with it just being me now I need to be able to have some alone time and thats just not happening now. So yeah, thats the plan and hopefully it goes over well.

Hopes also doing fantastically, she is sleeping from 10 to 8 most nights. I moved her to her crib a couple of weeks ago because she was going for 2 hours at most at night without nursing and it was wearing me out big time. Oddly, I moved her to her crib and she has slept great since then. She is also rolling all around, soo cute.

So Saturday night was a little weird. Went to R&R with Ang and Sarah, Newman came after a bit and then Donald and Eric T showed up. Ang went to go shoot some pool with Donald so it was just me, Sarah, Newman and Eric at the table and it was just…odd. If you dont know why then dont even bother asking but if you do know why it would be odd then you should probably be proud of me for keeping my big mouth shut. God it was tempting though.

On to last night. I hate it when I cry that happy/sad cry but it does happen. Last night we went out to Boones; Nick and Debra showed up and played some pool. Ian contently watched us all (or went off to watch tv) and Hope played on the floor for a bit. But she needed to get some sleep, the day was full of back and forths and her naps were lacking. She was tired, oh so tired so I got her in jammies (its easier then messing with it when we get home late) and went and put her down, nursed her and she was out. Then I roll away and she wakes right back up, we did this a couple of times before I just walked out of the room. She was tired, over tired and I was quickly loosing my patience. So I go back into the living room and just sit there with Ian (Boone was outside telling Nick and Debra bye) just being blah and well pissy. Boone comes in, we have a quick conversation about her not going to sleep and I mention that she probably needs something to listen too (she sleeps with white noise, it helps muffle the loudness at home). He goes and grabs the radio and plugs it in and turns it to a radio station not just fuzz. She of course stops crying so I just kind of sat there for a few minutes, maybe 10, before I go in. So I walk in and he is dancing around the room with her, keeping her calm and happy. You see, Jason wouldnt have done it. He might have grabbed the radio and went and plugged it in but he would have been pissy about it, he most certainly wouldnt have picked her up and danced around with her. So it made me cry and its making me cry just thinking about it. It was such a sweet moment, one of the moments that will never happen with Jason.

So should I put this as public or private? Will it be used against me that I have a friend (that just so happens to be male) spend time with my kids. Will it be used against me that my kids enjoy spending time with him and that I enjoy spending time with him? I suppose I will find out in a couple of months when this divorce is finally over but for now I am not going to stop being happy and having happy kids and if Boones helps make us that way then he is staying in the picture. Ang makes us happy too but I bet she wont even come up.

i think it’s awesome that you have friends close to you that help with the kids and that you have fun with. it is “you and the kids” now so you should be the one making the final decisions. if my baby girl couldn’t sleep and there was someone who could help and was willing to i wouldn’t stop them. i didn’t know jason was going to be in town that long…
Posted by sarah on May 6, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:57 AM
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private 🙂
-Now isn’t the time to stir up a hornet’s nest! Your life is your life, but I wouldn’t share anything publicly that could come back to bite you in the ass later. JMO 🙂 Is there any thing good that could come from sharing it publicly?
Posted by Kara on May 6, 2008 – Tuesday – 1:34 PM
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