Lo



Current mood:  blissful

All these years I thought I had it, I thought I had the perfect husband and father for my children. All I needed was for our fence to be painted white.

I didnt realize until after Jason told me he was in love with this other person (back in October) that our relationship really wasnt what I had always perceived it to be. I knew along the years that I was unhappy but I thought that kids and being together would somehow make it all better. He hated being around me and he really always had. The only time he seemed to enjoy me was for sex or if other people were around (and I think thats just because I didnt focus on him). I seemed to always be forcing love on him and I figured if he knew I loved him he wouldnt leave. I also didnt feel comfortable around him, he never really got my sarcastic humor and bluntness.

But Boone does. Its like we have known each other for many many years. Known as in always been there for each other not just known of each other. The timing of this is so abrupt but its there and its happened. I dont think anyone else sees it but we can spend hours talking about everything, from politics to religion and even disagree with each other but still very much enjoy the conversation. I dont fear he will leave me. I dont act like someone I am not, no need to dress a certain way or talk a certain way. I can make a joke and not feel bad for it.

I hope this is what Jason feels around Nicole but I am afraid its not. I really do want him to be happy because we were not happy with each other. I hope he has worked out in his head what all went wrong and not blammed it all on me. I am working it all out in mine and I know it wasnt all his fault. Thats why when people say stuff about Jason it gets to me, its as if no one wants to know that I could have had some responsibilities in the failed relationship as well. In order for me to move on I have to recognize that and fix that; not robbed of it and patted on the head and told that he is the one that screwed up.

I am concerend about Jason, you can tell he is killing himself inside. If he would just talk to me, if he would let me tell him its okay then I think he would do better. He is a jerk for lying to me all these years and for still lying to me but I dont want him to be just dead to the world because it effects the kids. Right, I didnt run off but I did let our relationship get to a point to where it could happen. I am trying to let go of that resentment and I think I am almost at that point.

So what is LO? It started off with Boone and I jokingly saying we lo ed each other (and he came up with this). It wasnt a joke but we just couldnt say it, couldnt finish the word even if we both wanted too. Then yesterday he asked me if I loved him, oh the meltiness of it all. It was such a sweet moment and then Ian came running in from outside “Booone, I need you”. Boone went and came back and he told me he loved me and that he had been holding it back for weeks….more meltiness, then Ian fell off the porch. lol I brought him inside, washed off and kissed his ouchies and put arnica on him and back off outside as if nothing happend.

Thank God for my kids, they are keeping me grounded and also helping me know that what I am feeling is true.

I have fallen in Love with Boone and I know it, I feel it. Its the same joy, happiness, contentment I get with my kids. Its knowing that not every moment of every day will not be rainbows and unicorns. Its knowing that those moments where its not, the challenges are what will make us grow together even more.

And he feels the same way. This person that has had so many problems with trust issues when it came to past relationships feels the same way, it took him 1.5 years to tell Aubrey he loved her.

And we told each other we would take it slow and look whats happend. Both of us are just in awe that it happened so fast but we are also welcoming of it. I didnt realize what all I was missing until he came along.

I have fallen in love with Boone and he has fallen in love with me.

My life is going so fantastically right now. I have my friends back and my family back. Ians behavior is great and Hope is sleeping well again. We go out and have fun as a family together which is something we never did with Jason. I look forward to going to the park with the kids on the weekends that I have them, its really helping my relationship with Ian.

This is a diary/preferred list but once the divorce is final I will put it as public.

I so cant wait for my divorce party!

Karen Jane
I in a way envy you. I don’t think I ever loved Warren, I can feel that part with you. We fought, were not right for each other, and in the end hated each other. It took me years to find someone I would bring around my kid, that I trusted enough to let into my life. I was so afraid of ripping my family apart again. And it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. And I love evey minute of it. The good and the bad. Because this time the good out weighs the bad. And I know without a doubt that if it doesn’t work I will be able to pick myself up and move on. I can do it alone if I have to, I am that kind of woman. But…. oh how much better it is together. Here’s to moving on July. And loving it. I love you. How’s that for a comment bitch?
Posted by Karen Jane on April 30, 2008 – Wednesday – 9:07 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
i am so happy that you are so happy =)

it sounds like you learned alot from all of this and that should help as you move forward!
this is such a great lo story that you will tell your kids over and over =)

congrats on all the melty=happy=ness!!

lots of love

~sara

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 4, 2008 – Sunday – 9:51 AM
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Cleaning out my filing cabinet


After reading Spiritual Divorce a few times I have realized that I cant “move on” until I fix whats wrong with me. One thing thats held me back for all these years is the fear of rejection or that someone will be there one day and then not be there the next. I also have a bad habit of relying on one person and only one person which so happens to be the person that I am in said relationship with.

Sadly it happened with two relationships and of course it was back to back. What would have happened with Jason and I if I had recognized what went wrong with Nathan and I?

I always complained of a certain friend that when she had a significant other it was as if I was no longer there and it annoyed the crap out of me. Why has it taken me 8 years to realize that I was doing the exact same thing? I have always had my girlfriends but for some odd reason I shut them out when I was in a relationship and I only came back to them when my relationship was going down hill. I cant believe they stuck with me through all that.

My mom nailed it a couple months ago and I just now realize that. I kept saying that I didnt know why I got married and she kept saying it was because Ginta had just got married and thats just what I wanted. I didnt want to be alone. OMG, she was right!

So looking through my file cabinet I found my old diary and then a random piece of paper written to Nathan but it wasnt to be given to him. Ginta told me one time to write down what I wanted to say, not to give it to the other person but to get it all out.

Here is what I wrote, 6.5 years ago…(bolding is mine)

I am so scared that you will leave me forever. It hasnt even been a week and it has already felt like forever. I really hope you are thinking like you said you were going to but I dont think you are. I am trying to convince myself that you and all of your friends hate me. I totally understand where you are coming from. I am controlling but only because I have a fear of being left ~ forgotten.

I guess it doesnt work. I hate what you are putting me through, my heart hurts and I feel sick all the time. It really sucks cause you are the only person that has a shoulder for me to cry on and now you are no longer here. I feel so stupid and ugly, just the same as I always have.

I am the only one out of my girlfriends that is alone, again.

I knew I had a problem with being controlling but I guess I just didnt want to face it. I went after Jason because I knew I would be able to control him I just didnt know that he was doing the same to me all along.

What I fear the most is being left and I have got to get over that. With the help of friends its really starting to work its self out, this fear of rejection.

Always Màthair

that is a hard one for sure hun!
Just think I went through 30 years before I got to that last breaking point…and it took two years more to see that there is a viable person here with thoughts and ideas of her own and that I can survive! I didn’
I think it is so sad that so many people get into relationships before they truly understand what our purpose for this life is, and that as we grow that purpose grows and changes with us.
We humans are either very controlling or very insecure in ourselves.
So much to learn, so many changes we will go through!
Let the light within you shine!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 25, 2008 – Friday – 10:10 AM
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I cant believe how unhappy I was



Current mood:  loved

And that people around me knew and didnt say anything.  I suppose I can see why you wouldnt want to stick your nose into someones business but I really thought that people thought that I was happy. I cant believe I thought I was happy, ack.

So what has prompted this? Well besides conversations with close friends I just watched an old video tape from when Jason and I lived in Utah/were dating. From a time when I thought I was in head over heels in love. Watching the tape it was obvious that I just got on Jasons nerves and that he really had no desire to talk to me.

I cannot believe this is the person that I married, I cant believe I chose this person to make a life with. Seeing that tape from 5 years ago was a wake up call, a major one. Wow.

So those of you reading, those that know Juli, the real Juli the one you have always known that is trying her hardest to get herself back would you PLEASE tell me next time I am in a relationship your reservations (if you have any). Knowing me I will blow them off at first but eventually I will stop and think about them.

Always Màthair

Don’t know if you have been keeping up with Oprahs study on one of Eckhart Tolle’s books, but in one of the lessons he talked about what love really was. He said, if when you think you are in love you are looking at what you see on the outside of a person, or BLIND to what you see out of your own ego’s nessecity, it isn’t really love. Love is what you see on the inside, past the ego, past self. If you don’t look from the inside to what will last, you can about gaurentte that the outside will disolve away.
Sometimes, to find ourselves we have to loose what we thought we needed to see a different depth in us, to see that we can only change ourselves, be ourselves once we get past the role playing.
I wish you great adventures in finding what life has in store for you now!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 24, 2008 – Thursday – 2:43 PM
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Comics that make me smile


Current mood:  happy


Close to you

Collecting double takes

Commitment

Curse levels

Fixed width

Found

In ur reality

Nintendo surgeon




What heartbroken really is….


Current mood:  happy

Oh to be so naive to think that love and or heartbreaking can come and go after a short relationship. I was once so naive to think that I had had my heart broken a few times and was in love but now having really gone through it I realize that back then those “heartbreaks” were nothing compared to the real thing.

Heartbreak is….
Marrying what you thought was the love of your life only to be told that it was all just a facade. To learn that you were lied to from the very first date, to learn that the person you married wasnt really who he was after all these years.

Heartbreak is….
Telling your husband that you feel like their is someone else he is involved with and hearing the words “their is, I dont want to be with you anymore”.

Heartbreak is….
Being suddenly single at 37 weeks pregnant and explaining to your 3.5 yo that mommy and Ian are moving elsewhere (without daddy).

Heartbreak is….
Having hope, moving back together and working on your marriage for months, putting everything into it and thinking that things were going to be okay ONLY to be blindsided by a dear Jane letter the day before vday telling you that your love has left you for another woman.

Heartbreak is….
Going to pick up your love from school pleading to go to counseling and that we can make it work. Only to be turned down and told that your love has been sleeping with this other woman since your second born child was only 3 weeks old.

Heartbreak is….
Looking your children in the eyes and knowing that they will never have mommy and daddy together again.

Heartbreak is….
Hearing your oldest tell you over and over again “but daddy still loves you”.

Heartbreak is….
The fear of loosing your children to some other “mom”.

Hearbreak is….
Loosing that familiar kiss, touch, voice, ear….shoulder to cry on.

Heartbreak is….
Knowing that you failed.

THAT is heartbreak and I dont wish it on anyone. I am sorry if I make you uncomfortable or make it hard on you. I am not there to throw anything in your face and I hope you realize that.

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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Beautifully and factually written. It is absolutely one of the most difficult things to endure but with sorrow comes joy in the most unexpected ways. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on April 18, 2008 – Friday – 3:45 PM
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Always Màthair
Heartbreak is !!!!
But in time, you do recover, especially from the lies
It has taken me two years Julie to find a little bit more of myself that I lost to 30 years of lies and emotional abuse! It hasn’t been easy. I’m 55 and living with my parents again! We aren’t divorced. To much crap over the house and all for Harley to loose, so we let it be. All my things are piled into one room over on Garfield.
Each day I work on me, or at least I try to, and try to let all that crap go because I chose to not let it be a part of my life any longer! And when I try to be nice to him when we are around each other, I can easily say, well , that’s enough for today and I can leave with no guilt.
Finding yourself again for your kids is the most important thing right now.
Your not alone! You didn’t fail! And you will make a great Dad as well as a great mom for Ian! I have no doubt!
Don’t get sucked back in no matter what!!! Stay strong, keep that head up and be easy on yourself! One step at a time, and when the air gets heavy, grab those babes up and go out somewhere, for a walk, to a playground, show them the world we live in and that it can be ok!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 20, 2008 – Sunday – 10:19 AM
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Ian turned 4 today


So Ian turned 4 today, its hard to believe what all has happened in that time. He was a surprise and up until that point I had just assumed that I would never have kids. I remember the day I told Jason, he walked in the door from work and I was bawling. He just knew I was pregnant, it was the strangest thing.

Anywho, the pregnancy was tough. I had morning sickness from hell and the week before I had him I swelled up like crazy. I went in for a doctors appointment and was told to go to the hospital and 2 days later Ian was born at 28 weeks gestation.

The hospital stay was aweful, I have never felt so alone before in my life. It took almost 4 years and Jason telling me what exactly was going through his head back then for me to get why I hated those 5 days so much.

Ian was 2 days old before I went to see him. I had a picture on the wall next to my hospital bed of him but I just couldnt bring myself to go see him. When I finally went it took everything I had to hold back the tears. There was my baby, my tiny baby with wires and tubes under a plastic box.

One of the things I fondly remember during his nicu stay was him always holding my finger. At night, when I get the kids down to bed thats what Ian does, he holds my finger. Some nights I just lay there wide awake and cry while he tightly grips my finger.

He has come so far in 4 years, we both have.

Happy birthday baby boy, I love you.




So Jason ended up filing for divorce


Current mood:  sleepy

In order for me to file I had to wait 90 days since I live in a new county. I didnt want to file in Lubbock and then have to drag the kids down there when we had the court date.

My attorney called today and informed me that Jason filed and that I should be getting served soon. He didnt even bother to call me and say he had done so.

I dont know how I feel. I mean I am happy and glad that this is finally happening and that I will be able to officially move on but it still hurts. I never expected this to pan out the way that it has but I can one hundred percent say that getting divorced will be the best thing that ever happend to me.

I could use some hugs at this point in time. So the count down begins, I dont know when he filed for sure but from that point on we have a 60 day waiting period.

Hopefully the next 2 months will go by fast.

Karen Jane
Its hard…..It sucks…….I love you. I am always here.
Posted by Karen Jane on April 7, 2008 – Monday – 10:03 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
I am here to “chat” if you ever need or want to. You are also always welcome to call me if you like. Just message me for my cell . I know it hurts but that will soon go away and then you can be absolutely proud of yourself for moving on! I am proof of it. Hugs.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on April 8, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:52 PM
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Its so odd


Feel special Jenny because you are the only person on my preferred list therefore the only one to read this. Its really a diary entry but I know those annoy you. 

Its so odd having someone look into my eyes. Its been so long since its happened I forgot what it felt like. Boone will stare at me all the time, right into my eyes even when we arent talking. Jason never did this and I realize now that its because he was always lying to me. Its kinda nice.

Angela says she thinks I am the person that Boone needs to get him to change, meaning he has a love affair with the bottle. I dont want to be the one to change him I want him to be the one to change him but he is also well aware of the fact that I much prefer a sober Boone. She even noticed how well he did on Saturday night, just 4 beers which is really really good.

He is such a good dad though. The way he interacted with Victoria (his daughter) and Ian on Angelas birthday was proof of that. He played with them for hours, throwing the frizbee, kicking the ball, toting both of them around on his shoulders, all without a complaint. When he is here with me and Hope he is always in daddy mode and its so cute. I was out talking to dad on the porch on Sunday and boone and hope were in the living room. When I came back in he had flipped her to her belly and they were face to face (he was lying on the floor too) just talking back and forth to each other. OMG it was so cute. Jason never would have done that, he would have just kept her on her back and let her cry.

Its that stuff that is making me fall for him just that much more. Neither one of us wants this to go to fast but dammit he needs to start being an ass to me or else its going to be an avalanche.

He smiles all the time when he is with me, even in his sleep. He will look at me, smile and giggle and when I ask whats up he says he is just happy.

I have no idea where this relationship is going to go but when it ends I hope we will still be close. He is a great guy, he has done some stupid stuff but at least he has faced it and learned from it rather then shoving it under a rug.




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