Finding the meaning


I have been reading up on this whole divorce thing,  how to grow from it and go on to live “happily ever after”. One thing that keeps coming to me is that Jason had an affair. How in the world am I going to get over the fact that my husband, Mr. Mormon was/is sleeping with another woman. The nausea that ensues to realize that while at “school” he was off having sex while I wasnt even healed yet from having baby Hope is hard to get past. So, how do I get past it? I have to get past it or else it will eat me inside.

So today I did a lot of soul searching, why did this happen? I could easily throw out that he is addicted to sex and he wasnt getting any from me. And really, that might just be the surface answer. But BUT I think that the affair was the end all. He knew I wouldnt take him back after that, I mean I would come crawling back but I wouldnt be happy. I would loose the very thing I wanted for all these years, my family and friends.

The past five years have been such a loss for me. I have two beautiful, healthy babies but I sacraficed myself, my being for them. I lost my vision and goal in life. I lost family and friends. I gained 60 pounds (yikes)! I was depressed for the first time ever and had no one to fall back on but Jason. I once could walk out the door with my head up and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. I had the funky hair and the blunt attitude that brought out the best in me.

For some odd reason when I met Jason that part of me changed and I just dont know why. Maybe its because I had just ended a relationship with someone who was once my best friend, maybe its because Ginta had just got married and I desperatly wanted that. I thought at 22 I had lived as much and I needed and that I needed to settle down. I settled down all right, I went from a partying single chick to Molly Mormon in the matter of a month. People that knew me from years past were floored that I would join such a religion, it just wasnt a Juli move.

I am so glad to be back in Amarillo. I wish the circumstances were different but I know I will be happy here. I wanted so badly to be out and when I got out I so badly wanted to be back home. I always wanted kids but I wanted them to have the life that I had. I loved my childhood, I loved having such close family and friends. Many days spent with my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Stories that will go to the grave with me. I wanted that for my kids and Lubbock just wasnt that. I had no friends there and certainly no family. Ian and I were isolated in the house all day every day and my only adult interaction was Jason (except the times when we came to Amarillo).

So the good of this divorce….

I am back, in mind and body. He cheated and thats on his plate for the rest of his life. I can not do anything to turn back time and dwelling on it is just going to bring me down.

I am finally free, no longer do I have to fake it. I have been doing so the last 5.5 years.

Its great to be home again.




One of those people


You know who I am talking about, the ones that buy a birthday cake with the food stamps. How dare they buy a birthday cake with foodstamps, that supposed to be for food!

I have heard the comments, people living off the system just popping out babies so the government can support them. And I will be honest, the thoughts crossed my mind a time or two in the past.

Now, thats me. Thats me standing in line for assistance, spending government money on a birthday cake so my son will be able to have some sense of normalcy.

I didnt plan it this way, I didnt plan on my husband leaving me when my baby girl wasnt even 3 months old and my son not even of the age of four.

How many people have I judged in the past when I didnt even know their story. How many other moms are suddenly left single, blindsided at best.

Why me? I was on top of the world, I loved my babies and my husband.

This wasnt in the plans, this isnt what I was promised.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
well, i have searched for words and this is what i have.

juli i love you and it breaks my heart that you having to go through this. i know we aren’t close now, but we use to be. [remember when you were my friend even though i use to be friends with stuffy =)] i hope you remember telling me that and it makes you smile. i’m not sure why we drifted apart [probably my fault =( ] but if you ever need a set of fresh ears i am all yours!!

oh and please don’t be hard on yourself. we are all quick to judge sometimes. we are human and are not without fault.

oh yeah btw did you recognize the security officer at dhs? its poppy. do you remember him?

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on February 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 11:19 AM
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CrazyRED
{{{{HUGS}}}} Village my dear friend, think of it as your village.
Posted by CrazyRED on February 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 12:21 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Well, if I know anyone strong enough to rise above this, that would be you! Speaking from experience on the other side of the track (ME being the one leaving) it is still extremely unnerving, trying, and many times frustrating but despite it all you will come out of this stronger, closer to your children, more secure than you could possibly imagine. I am now 2 years + post leaving my exhusband. I am making the most out of what life gives me and I can tell you it WILL get better. Keep your head up high and know there are many people out there who will be right there to support you. I know we don’t keep in contact much because of chaotic lives and whatever else comes in the way but know I am thinking about you constantly and will do whatever I can to help you out. Please let me know if there is anything…
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on February 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 2:30 PM
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Kara
Man I hate this for you!!! I just hate it!!! All I know is that life is so fast and one minute you may be down and out and the next your right back on top of the world! I hope that you dont stay down too long! Dont worry about what others may think! I hope you bought a damn good birthday cake! 🙂 PS Call me before you get an attorney! 🙂
Posted by Kara on February 20, 2008 – Wednesday – 3:48 PM
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January pics


Some pics from last month. 
Hopes a chunker, at 2 months she weighs 13 lbs 5 oz and is 24 inches long.









I dont know why but my son is obsessed with his butt at the moment.




















These were taken earlier today, Ian is showing off his tattoo.






Kara
LOL, if i didn’t know better i would swear I was looking at my own family! Aidan got a train set and the exact same table for X-mas. Hope wins the bigger baby award, Sophie was 11 lbs I think, and 21 inches! LOL

PS Ian is such a Larkan!

Posted by Kara on February 5, 2008 – Tuesday – 8:29 AM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
WoW WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY! AND THAT LITTLE GIRL OF YOURS HAS A VERY BEAUTIFL SMILE!! WHAT CUTIES!!
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on February 5, 2008 – Tuesday – 9:01 AM
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