Sensitivities


I realized yesterday that even being around people that I love and cherish, most of which I have known for 18 or more years, is still not a safe place for me. And oddly, two weeks ago it was. I have cracked but I have not been broken. Where the breaking point is is only known by me. 

Anyone that really knows me knows I have these really weird quirks. Cotton balls give me the icks, I am an extremely picky eater (its a texture not taste thing), I cannot stand noises when I am trying to do something. I turn off the radio when I am driving in an unfamiliar area, or freak out at the noise of the all windows being rolled down.

When I get stressed I cannot talk. I will say ten words before I get to the correct word. I cannot deal with clocks ticking. Or with a bunch of people talking, all at once, in a closed area (eating out when it is super busy is very hard for me). When I talk on the phone I need everything off around me and people to be quiet. If they aren’t I get upset.

These are all things, plus a lot more, that I have coped with since I was a kid. I have learned to stay away from cotton balls and my diet consists of grilled cheese. I get up and close the door if its noisy and we stay away from super crowded eating establishments.

Now I know at least one person is going to say “Juli, how do you go to concerts?” Or “Juli, how do you go out dancing?” and the answer is alcohol. It is my coping mechanism. Or it used to be seeing as how I haven’t gone to a concert in 10 years and well dancing is at bars and we all know how my last trip to a bar went…one torn acl later.

But then again the person asking those questions more then likely doesn’t know me as well as they think they do. I generally don’t let people into knowing that side of me. The freak the fuck out because of ‘stupid’ stuff side. I have learned to adapt for the most part, how ever that might be.

My latest trigger has been delivering mail in high security. Aside from the really stupid crap they yell it is terribly loud. And once you do one pod, with 60-120+ guys yelling at you, you exit and do it again, and again, and again, and again until all pods/sections are done. So it is an 1.5 to 3+ hours of being yelled at. It does not matter to me what they are yelling, its the loud hum of it all. It is hearing that all day and all night. Laying my head down at night and hearing it, banging over and over again.

It.is.driving.me.crazy.

And when I try to explain it, heart felt tear filled explanation I get told it is part of my job. Which it is, I get that, which is unfortunate that I like my job. But I like myself better. And “myself” isn’t running out of my best friends house because all of a sudden I freak out because I am asked about work. That is not a normal reaction out of me.

Jason left me, I ended up being a single mom. So WHAT? It didn’t trigger some weird thing in me. It wasn’t anything super hard. My friends know I made it through just fine and in the middle of my divorce not once did I ever run away from them crying.

So in order to explain it to myself I did I little poking around on the internet just so I would feel not so…alone. I have tried to explain it to certain people and it has fallen on deaf ears. I guess it is one of those “unless it happens to you, you can’t understand it” things. As a side note I have a terrible dose of dyslexia. Ask me the difference between a b and a d and a P and a 9 and I have NO idea. I can not follow written instructions, you have to show me. You name it, I have it (dyslexia wise).

From 1st grade on I was in special classes and in the summer time I took special classes at my eye doctors (I remember a lot of puzzles). I have terrible handwriting as well which people like to poke fun at (whatever makes them feel better I suppose).

So when looking around I found this…

Environmental Sensitivities

Adults are often overwhelmed by too much environmental stimuli (e.g. background noise, more than one person talking at a time, side conversations, reading and listening at the same time).  Many people with LD have specific sensitivities to their environment such as certain fabrics they cannot wear, foods they cannot tolerate, etc.

Emotional Sensitivity

Many adults with learning disabilities see themselves as more emotionally sensitive than other people    In its most extreme form, high levels of emotional sensitivity are both a blessing and a weakness. The positive features of this trait helps adults with learning disabilities build meaningful relationships with others. For example, they are often very intuitive and in-tune with both their own and other people’s emotions. Sometimes they are actually able to perceive other’s thoughts and feelings.  However, this strength also serves as weakness due to its propensity to overwhelm the individuals. Emotional difficulties occur when they are unable to cope with the onslaught of emotions they are feeling. Highly sensitive adults with LD may be moved to tears more easily or feel their own and other people’s pain more deeply.

 

OMG, that is totally ME.

Finally, someone “gets it”.

So that has made me feel a bit better. Now I just have to make it till Thursday. Hopefully this little lesson/nightmare/true colors will be over soon and I can get myself back. The solution here is not a happy pill, I was happy 2 weeks ago. The solution is a change in ones environment. I do not have to be yelled at by numerous people if I don’t want to be (and who would).

Normal, everyday life is not that…




I am SO not Cinderella…at least not this year. ;-)


Year number 5 has come and gone, that flew by faster then I thought it would.

Lets see, I can back track and play the “woe is me, my husband cheated on me and left me when I was pregnant” card OR move on cause bringing it up constantly gets really really old. Lol.

No but really, lets see what all has happened this year…

Jason, my good friend/ex husband, got remarried this past January. It took some serious getting used to. We were very close and when they started dating the distance between us grew so much that I thought I would never have that “friendship” back again. The good news though is that after I stepped back and stopped freaking out inside Jason and I still had an awesome friendship.

Go me…err…us? I supposed it takes a certain kind of person to just let go. A certain kind of person to move on and to stop dredging up the past. I am pretty certain that I could still be miserable but I am choosing not to be. But…

Do I still break down every time I relive those days?

Yes!

Do I go into a blubbering tear filled mess when I even think about it?

Yes!

Am I currently doing the above?

Yes!

And its gone.

In the short amount of time that it took me to type that, I thought, I cried, I processed and I moved on! Maybe one day I will get to the point of dodging the crying, maybe.

Anywho, moving along…

Nothing too terribly out of the norm happened this year. Krystal and I broke up, but it’s still not anything that I care to talk about, certainly not on here at least.

I suppose that brings up the whole gay/straight thing. It is also not anything that I care to bring up. I am glad I am not getting bugged about it as bad as I had thought I would. Lets just say you never know who you are going to fall for until its already happened.

My motto (even though people were not aware of it, even my best friends) was alway one that didn’t look at gender.

To me, if I dated just men or just women then who’s to say I wasn’t automatically cutting out someone who was a “perfect” match. And I use the term “perfect” loosely.

For me, every relationship I have been in has been one that I have learned and grown from. I will always believe everything happens for a reason and within that I believe that people walk in and out of your life just to teach you how to better yourself, be it directly or indirectly.

For this I am extremely thankful for my past relationships, no matter how rocky they were or how they ended. In the end I have always tried to take the high road and not the drown in the past. I can only speak of my experiences though and I would assume that a 20 year marriage would be a whole hell of a lot harder to move past then a 5 year marriage.

So lets see, Jason got married, I switched teams, and hrm…I had reconstructive surgery on my knee. Lol.

I suppose that could be a “high” point of the year. Me going 32 years and not hurting myself only to go dancing and end up with fun medical bills. Ha.

Damage was done on October the 27th. Bruised bones, torn meniscus, and a completely snapped ACL. Whoops. All for being my silly self. I have healed rather fast, but not so fast as to doing the naughty 5 days after surgery, (hahaha). I also wont be able to fit into any glass slippers for another year, the shoe doesn’t fit…I need to go buy new (flat) ones. Boo.

Oh sorry, I got off track. I will be released to full duty on January 21st, but still no heels and certainly no dancing for a while.

Ian was hospitalized once this year for pneumonia, that was no fun. It was been 1.5 years since the last hospital stay and we are hoping thats the last one, period.

Hope started Pre-K and is loving every minute of it. She has wanted to be in school since Ian started Kindergarten which made the transition to school pretty easy.

Work is still wonderful, I love the friendships that I have with my coworkers. I couldn’t imagine working anywhere other then where I work, which yes, happens to be a maximum security prison.

My relationship with Paul is wonderful, tho it is still in the “pinch me to wake me up cause everything can’t really be this wonderful in real life” part of the relationship. It sure would be awesome if it stayed this way though. It’s a first being with someone this “involved” you could say. I don’t feel like I have to hide parts of myself around him, I feel like I can be completely open and honest and get the same in return.

I am enjoying every minute of it, even the really hard ‘person that doesn’t even know me but talks about me in ugly ways’ parts. I know who I am as a person, which isn’t anything like is assumed of me.

Eh, what can I do besides laugh it off…right?

This house is usually quiet, bed time for me is usually 9, and my social life isn’t anything out of the norm for an adult single mother of two. I really have calmed it down in the last few years.

I supposed I needed to get the sadness/rage/hurt/depression/hopelessness/helpless feeling out of my system after Jason left and I do admit to having my fair share of fun times (although I was still responsible, thank you very much).

This past year has been mainly me and the kids. I have grown to love spending time with them. Not that I haven’t always loved spending time with them but things are different when you can converse with them at a higher level, play games with them and all that other stuff that comes with having kids in the house.

I never wanted to be a single mother but it is the hand that was dealt to me and I wouldn’t take it back for the world. There is a certain kind of pride knowing that I am doing it pretty much on my own. I am not living off the anyone, not the government nor my exhusband. I have the kids most of the time and I am a-ok with it. I miss them terribly when they aren’t here, even if it is just for one night.

I am so glad I have such awesome kids but I happen to know the awesomeness comes from both me and Jason and the relationship we have with one another. I speak of Morgan (his wife) in nothing but a positive light when the kids are around. The last thing I want is them feeling like they need to pick a side. They are little, I get that, but even when they are in their teens I still wont bring up what happened between Jason and I. What is in the past is in the past, Jason and I both had fault but we have grown from it and have moved on. The only thing my kids need to know is that they are loved from all sides of their families and that will never change. It doesn’t matter that Jason is remarried, it doesn’t matter if I get remarried, the love will never change.

So I guess I have come full circle again on my subject and I will leave it at that. 2012 was awesome, 2013 will be as well. No clue what the next year has in store for me but thats the exciting part about life, you never know what the next day will hold.




This perfectly sums up my married life


Sometimes my intentions were “good” (I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or worry you), most times my intentions were selfish. I paid careful attention to what I thought it was that you liked about me, and I tried to present that picture all the time. As such, I never “let you in” in any meaningful way. I always hid portions of myself from you, at first because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore, but as time went on I did it to purposefully keep you out. ~Jason

When I look back at the 6.5 years that Jason and I were together I can’t help but think of those few sentences. I would like to think that I am over it, that it is processed and in the past but it’s not. I don’t ever want to live in a fantasy land again, one that at 37 weeks pregnant is snagged from under my feet. It STILL hurts to think about and it still brings up tears and bad emotions. It was painful and embarrassing but most of all it was my life.

3 years ago the judge officially signed our divorce papers. Tonight I took a walk through a past blog as a reminder to myself of how far I have came. The desperation of those typed words still rip my heart apart and it has been almost 4 years since he first left.

But what happened then made me who I am today and it serves as a reminder that life has a funny way of working itself out in ways that are the least expected.


AUGUST 15TH, 2008
Dirty Laundry 

http://storyaboutagirl.com/?p=207

I am offically single, well in a sense that thats the box I can check from now on. No desire to check the divorced one. I got my paperwork, final decree in the mail today. Now begins the tedious work of changing mine and the kids names, what fun.And for your reading pleasure I am posting just about everything that has happend since October. Why? Because it steps ME through the pain again and lets ME see how much I have grown since then. Reading what I wrote then, how weak I was is upsetting. It brings back every emotion I had back but also makes me stronger.

Unless you are on ctt with me you have never read these, they are just cuts and pastes from the board. The dear Juli letter is finally scanned in, all of this is printed off and being locked away only to be see again in 15/20 years.

So here you have it…

Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:26 am

37 weeks pg and dh tells me he doesnt want me anymore

i dont know what to do

excuse the typos and the lack of capsi am at my parents house, they came and got ian and i last night. i didnt trust myself to drive 2 hours.

i swear to yall, i thought i had the perfect marriage, the perfect husband, the perfect father to my child/ren. it all came crashing down yesterday. he hasnt cheated per se but he is emotionally attached to another girl. he is trying to figure out if he wants to work the marriage out or if he just wants to leave. he is so blank, he doesnt love me anymore.

i dont know what to do. my parents had no knowledge of this homebirth. it was to be just me and him, he is my rock. my midwife is 2 hours away from where we live and 4 hours from my parents. i cant go back home and have this baby by myself. as dumb and selfish as it sounds i just want to find a doc here, scheduel a c section and just get it over with. no one supports my decision to homebirth and at the moment i dont have a home.

i dont know what to do with ian. jason put him to sleep every night for the past 2 years, i dont know how to even begin to explain to him that daddy isnt going to rock him to sleep every night. i have no idea how i am supposed to put ian to sleep as well as an infant. i am so dumb, i cant believe i am in this situation. dumb dumb dumb

do i stay? i want my husband back but he is just so blank to me. he says he has been miserable for 2 years. i thought the past 2 years were the best of our marriage. i dont get it, how could i be so blind.

i cant eat, i took a bite of my granola bar and almost threw it up. ians already thrown up this morning. he knows somethings up.

is this all a dream, its a dream right? the only thing missing in our lives was that the fence wasnt white.

my parents only have dial up and i keep expecting him to call and say come home, lets talk.

i want to save this marriage but is it even savable now?

i was extremely swollen, like i was with ian swollen but it has gone down. i dont want to resent this baby but i feel like if i wasnt pg this wouldnt have happened. i dont want ppd again…..or maybe i still have it.

jami, lory….someone close close to me….anybody. i hate the phone with a passion but its just me and ian in my parents house. please call me. if it keeps ringing that means i am online so just call back.

_________________
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:27
Its been a long, draining, emotional week

I feel like I need to get this out so I am typing it all up here. No one knows any of this but I need to get it out and I dont want to talk to my irl friends/family about it.So things are good with Jason and I but I have a major hang up, major. When he eventually told me that Sunday that he was in love with another women I asked him if he had done anything. He said he had hugged and held her hand but that was it.

I told myself that I could get over that and I can/did.

That sunday I told him he needed to call his dad, set himself straight and to give himself some time to think it all out. I thought he would and I thought he would do it alone.

Well no, he called her on Monday and she came over. They talked and they kissed. How in the hell is he supposed to be focusing on us if he is calling her to come over to MY house!

Tuesday is when Mom, Ian and I came down to talk. Thats when we talked it over and decided to keep on with the marriage and to continue working to stay together. He didnt mention that she came over on Monday and he certainly didnt mention the kiss. Not until Wednesday when I asked to make sure he did nothing more then hug and hold her hand.

I cannot get past this. A kiss to him is as important as it gets so that fact that he shared that with another woman, ESPECIALLY when he was supposed to be focusing on US pisses me off to no end. Then to keep it from me on tuesday when we were supposed to be talking it out just seems wrong.

I am fine one minute and then I start thinking about it and I just loose it. Burst into tears, start swelling, feeling lied too, emotional, ugly, worthless, everything I SHOULDNT be feeling, especially being so pregnant.

I sit in the living room and see it happening. All the good in this house has been sucked out. This was my grandparents house, its where I spent a large part of my life time. I dont want to think about my husband dropping me and bringing someone that has no business being here here. I no longer have the fond memories of sitting in the tub with my cousin with mr. bubble bubbles and grandpas selson blue shampoo to turn our hair blue. I no longer see me sitting in the living room playing with my 1970s barbies and blow up furniture. I dont see the happy holidays that were spent here for 24 years. I just keep replaying that Sunday and Monday, I cant seem to get past it and its killing me inside.

Jason and I talk about it every time I get to feeling this way. I was doing real good and then last Sunday it hit me hard. I couldnt close my eyes without seeing/hearing me desperately pleading him not to leave me. Since this past monday I think I have gotten a handle on replaying what happened on Sunday but I am still stuck on this kiss thing. I feel dirty, disgusting and used when he kisses me. Not all the time, not even close but sometimes it just hits me and I loose it.

I dont like feeling this way. It takes a lot to piss me off and when I do get to that point it takes a lot to get me to sit in the same room with you. I know I have anger towards Jason and I hate that I do. The love far outweighs the anger but its still there. My absolute hate and rage goes towards that girl. What kind of person would come over to my house to essentially take my husband away? He says she kissed him, that she wanted to let him know that he was “loved”. Pathetic excuse, there are no words.

He asked if he had told me on tuesday about that kiss would I still want to stick around and try to make it work. I said yes but its that he didnt tell me on tuesday when he really should have. I was lied to for 2 years. I would love to conveniently think that he “forgot” to tell me on tuesday but at this point I cant. I cant get over that feeling.

I am so scared that these feelings are going to come up when I eventually go into labor. I have no idea what will happen if they do. I dont know if I am having such a hard time moving past this because I am so incredibly, hormally pregnant or if I would react this way if I wasnt.

I feel blah one minute and then great the next. Its so confusing. And then to throw a baby into the mix of it all….

_________________

Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:35 pm

Its over, he has been sleeping with her and lying about it

I am a fool to have ever taken him back. He never talked to her and said they couldnt talk, he made that all up to please me. He has been sleeping with her since school started back up last month.** Wrote this 3 page letter of crap with no mention that he slept with her. I went to pick him up this morning so we could talk it out, thats when he told me. So I promptly detoured to the bank so he could empty the account. I made him take Ian with him so he didnt cop out. Called his dad and let him know that Jason had been cheating on me. I took his cell and the house keys. Started to drive home he said he needed to get clothes and toiletries. I told him he shared a vagina he can share some shampoo. Told him that he will have to stay in the clothes on his back for the next couple of days.I thought to myself, “I should drop his ass off in the middle of a cotton field BUT that would waist gas” so I just pulled over, in the middle of no where and told him that I will need an address to send the divorce papers and then told him to get the hell out. He asked for his cell back and I told him no and drove off.

Got home and threw everything I could into trash bags and stuffed it into the car. I also took the prized ps3 and wii. Grabbed his tooth brush and cleaned the toilet bowl with it and put it back.

Called the police and told them to watch the house for the next couple of days. Locked up the house and left. Went to check the mail and noticed he took the mail key. I went in and told the front office to watch the house and she is having the mail man deliver the mail to the office.

Drove to amarillo and the outskirts of the city are basically on fire. Just a block away a huge fire was brewing. Slight heart attack over that.

Asshole, complete and total asshole.

So ANYONE that wants to call feel free too. I cant call out because it costs my parents a lot of money. I will update the contact thread and put it here as well.

806-381-xxxx

I just dont know what I would do without you girls. Thank God we hadnt moved yet!

Any advice on how to break it to Ian or help with a divorce would be great.

I should note here that when he FIRST told me he slept with her while we were driving in the car he told me the first time was when school started. A few days later he was honest with me and told me it was actually the last day of school.

__________________

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:02 am

I called him yesterday
I am such a dumbass

I have been looking for books on divorce and all of them say to try to work it out, try to mediate you can move on with your marriage after an affair and it will be stronger. Bah, it puts that crap into my head, the we can work it out crap.So I called him, it was either him or Ginta and dumb butt me called him pleading to come back. Bang

Why do I keep doing this to myself, he isnt really what I want and never really was. I didnt get a proper engagement, our wedding day was so insignificant that I could never remember the date. I had to beg him to come to doctor appointments when I was pg with Ian plus he wouldnt stay in the hospital with me when I had Ian. Never in the 6 years did I get a card, I got a flower once because I begged him (our first vday). No birthday or Christmas presents, I bought all my own.

The past couple of days have been real hard, Ian wont let me out of his site and just calls mama over and over and over again. I get frustrated with him because I cant just get away and I know the last thing he needs is a frustrated mama that just wants to get away.

The house is coming today, thats a relief and a headache all at the same time. I get the luxury of sorting stuff. Jason wants NOTHING, nothing at all except what he came in with which is books and other random crap. So odd but I guess it makes it easy when it comes to the actual divorce.

I still cant believe this is me and my situation, it could definitely be worse but its still shocking and sinking in.

Anyone have any good bottle recommendations? I cant leave hope for more then 2 hours and their are times when I will need too. I am so scared that I am going to loose my breastfeeding relationship along with everything else but I have got to get out and have some me time. Its something I havent had in the past 5 years.

______________

Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:37 pm

I would rather be a bitch then a liar
Custody hearing was today, plus more fun stuff

Lets just say that everyone else is right, me, the one married to the idiot for 4.5 years still cant see that he is lying to me constantly. Sigh…..So the custody hearing was this morning at 8:30, three times now (in the letter he wrote me, in email and also a signed paper) he has said that he would help support us above and beyond basic custody for the next twelve months. Today we get to the court house and he tells my attorney that the max he can afford is 415 a month, he had agreed to 835. Since this was dealing with custody and not the divorce part she said she didnt know if the judge would let us get the extra 400. He also left out the fact that he tutors when he wants the cash and makes 25-30 bucks an hour at it. He has been telling me for the past month that he has no money yet every time he walks in the door he is in a new shirt and new pants. Fucker, I was already pissed because he went to abiline to meet homewreckers folks (they must be soooo proud) and didnt even bother to call and wish Ian a happy Easter.

So we go in front of the judge and he says thats all he can afford. My attorney grills him about the tutoring and he stumbles with that a bit and then asks if he is splitting rent with his girlfriend that he has been living with since we split (he wrote in his financial papers that he was paying all rent and utilities). He said yes but that he wanted his own place that way he could take Ian for visitation (we had previously agreed that he would wait for a year that way he could take both kids). Its obvious he only cares about Ian, if he does in fact get a house then he wont see Hope since she can only leave me for 2 hours.

In my financial documents I wrote out all my bills and added the midwife bill. Dumbass Jason notes that thats not my bill its his and he has said that he would take care of it, in court and under oath so thats taken care of. Love eyes

So lets just say the judge wasnt impressed with Jason in the least and at the end he said he was ordered to pay 415 a month….short pause….plus 400. :evilgrin

So thats taken care of until the divorce, at that time it could be reversed and he could have to pay the measly 415.

On to me I suppose. I finally got the internet today, its so nice having something faster then 28.8 kbps.

Its so sad, the man I thought I married and the dad that I thought my kids had is nothing more then a selfish pitiful excuse for a human. I was flabbergasted this morning when he said he would only pay 415. I really thought he would start being true to his word but its more obvious now more then ever. I feel so bad for my kids, I want them to have a relationship with Jason but its just not going to happen and me pushing Jason to be there isnt working either. He just does not care, at all.

He also told my attorney that he plans on always staying in school so 1’644 is what he will always make.

I might have been a total bitch to him in our relationship (though now that I have done some reflecting the times I called him stupid are the times that we would fight and he had just been caught in a lie) but at least I am not a liar. I am a painfully honest person, my memory is way to shot for me to try to keep up with the lies so I have always told it like it is and because of that I have some wonderful friends and great support. I dont see how he sleeps at night, I could never forgive myself if I had done what he has done.

I am so happy, I have my freak out moments but I am happy. For the first time in years I am actually in pictures instead of the one taking them and I am smiling to boot.

So thanks for reading, I am so behind on the board but I figured I would fill you all in. I feel like I shouldnt be so happy and feel so good but I am and its nice.
Who knew what divorce could do to a person.

______________

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

Thread posted “Juli”

It went as well as could be expected. He contested the extra 400 and tried to walk away with the whole stimulus check (that he has had for the past month and a half) and pinning the midwife bill on me (that he already agreed to pay in court). He also said he didnt want the kids names changed which he had previously agreed to and signed on. Everything he ever said he would do he went back on and I was fully expecting it.Firstly, It wasnt the divorce, it was a temporary hearing. His attourney (which looked like she hadnt washed her hair in a while, had a hot pink bra and wore flip flops, winner!) basically wasted our time because everything could have been mediated over the phone but she would never respond to my attourney. So we went down there to negotiate.

First he tried to settle with paying July, halfing the stimulus check with me and having me pay the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said he could give me July, August and September, all of the stimulus check and he had to pay the midwives.
He didnt agree.
He came back and agreed to July, August and giving me half the stimulus and halving the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said I would never sign the stimulus so neither of us would see that money and we would go infront of the judge at a later date and let him make the call.
Court date was set for October 3rd.
We left the building, were in the parking lot and got a call from my attorney. Came back.
He said he would give me spousal for August and September, all the stimulus and he would pay the midwives.
LOL
I agreed, have the stimulus check, signed the papers (which still have to be typed up to be official), depositing the check tomorrow. I should get the offical typed papers to sign Thursday. Friday (because I know he wont have talked to his attorney by then) when I see him I am going to tell him that I changed my mind. Just to fuck with him and see the look on his face. Of course everything will be final and I wont really take back my word but it will still be fun.

He didnt bother to change the custody which further makes me realize that he really doesnt want anything to do with Hope. Custody is set for 2 hours on 2 Saturdays a month, thats it. I of course give him more but you would think he would want it written that he can take her.

No geographical restrictions, we can move to New Zealand next month and he couldnt do a damn thing about it.

The kids will be wexxx grxxxx without the dash. He didnt want them having the dash so it will be a second middle name, idiot.

My dad, girlfriends and I laughed the whole times. Even took pictures. I am so glad its over with.

And yes I know I could have went in front of the judge in October to fight for that 400 and I know that some of yall dont see eye to eye with me over the money but I feel good with the agreement. Money really isnt an issue.

In the long run I walked out with 1600 in spousal support which in Texas is rare. 5,500 cash from the bank account, a paid for house and a paid for car. No bills except utilites, everything was paid off before we split. I could be in a much much worse position and I realize that and thank bob every day that I have a roof over my head and tons of help.

Btw, I should have a new laptop screen in a week.

______________

My Dear Juli letter, its what I woke up to on February 13th, 7am. I cant read it in its entierty, I have a couple of times but its been months. I am happily filing it away. Maybe I should just cleans myself from it and throw it away but for now I will hold on to it. I read it all as false now anyways, how anyone could ever do what he has done to one of “the best friends a person could ever have” is beyond me.

Only my best irl friends have seen this…(zoom the page to read the letter)

So here is to new beginings. I am looking forward to school and adjusting fairly well to being a single mom. Ian goes down to see Jason next weekend, I am not happy about him not seeing Hope for a month but he didnt seem to care. Nor am I happy about Nicole being in my childs life but thats something out of my control. They moved into a two bedroom last month, one room is theirs and the other is a study/Ians room. I am pretty positive that all along he has told his family that he is moving out on his own but yeah, thats certainly not the case now.

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The only other private blog to be unlocked is the one below…

The past 24 hours

So thats all of it, feel free to call, comment or message me. If you managed to get all this read then congrats, lets do lunch.

By the way, I no longer feel the pain that I felt months ago when I am in this house. I can safely sit in my recliner and sleep in my bed and not toss and turn reliving that day in October.




My vacation was nice


I intended to leave my life’s dramas behind when I hopped on that plane to Portland. I suppose you cant escape yourself, you’ll always be along for the ride.

But my intentions were to heal, to meet new people, to go new places and to leave the past in the past.

For the most part I did, their were those long car rides where things would come back, I would stare out the window at the most beautiful land I have ever seen and tear up. 5 months into the year and I must say I have never had so many ups and downs in such a short period.

Thus far my 2011 can best be described as bipolar. Extreme highs followed by extreme lows followed by highs again, middle ground just hasn’t happened for me in a good long while. I’m doing much better then before but its still a constant inner battle, its inner because I know everyone around me is just plain tired of hearing it.

So what do I do to cope? On a whim go visit a friend, travel 1,665 miles, visit 3 different states (add 2 to that if ya wanna count the layovers, ha), take lots of pictures, do lots of talking, see parts of the country I never dreamt I would see, get a new tattoo…I could go on and on.

It was most certainly healing but the moment the plane touched down in Amarillo it all came rushing back to me, I escaped but only for a few days. I’m at least dusted off and I am ready to start “over” again.

Just press forward.
Stop looking back, you’ll miss what’s right in front of you if you do.
Time heals.

Those are all things that I say to myself on a constant basis. It’s working, just not as fast as I would like it to. 😉




That’s it, it hit me…finally.


Ive been going back and forth and back and forth wanting to type out everything for a while. I would type it all out and then go and delete it all. i dont know why I kept doing it.

Blogging, for me, is therapeutic. I used to be fantastic at typing it all out. I could rattle on and on and by the end I would have solved the problem with a few strokes at a keyboard. I dont know what I have been waiting around for. Even as I am tying this I am realizing I am rambling and should probably just stop but Im not going to this time.

Shit happens, I know this. And anyone that knows me knows that I get up and dust myself off and move the fuck on. Im always the one to say the cliché of “Everything happens for a reason”. And like every lesson in life before, the latest lesson has a reason attached to it.

I think I have finally come to the point in my life where I dont want a dysfunctional relationship. Every relationship in the past has been just that, dysfunctional. And the one thing connecting all of those relationships was, well, ME. I have always felt the need to rescue people, not intentionally but when it was all said and done and I could look back on it all I realize thats what I did every.single.time.

I dont want that anymore and because of that I am choosing to stay single. Im choosing to be that odd numbered wheel over being in a dysfunctional relationship. Im still not ready for one and its been 2 years since my last real relationship. I dont want the drama, and yes I know it seems to fall right in my lap (it is the J word after all).

I dont want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

Just like I did in January I need to refocus and be that positive Juli that people know and love. I need to move forward and stop looking back. I cant fix people and I cant change peoples feelings on whats happened.

I have got to just let go.

I might be a super forgiving person but I realize thats a quality that a lot of people dont have.

Im nice
Im passive
Im tender hearted
And I cant help it…

But thats what makes Juli Juli. I need to be ok with this again. I *will* be ok with this again.

My apologies to those that have dealt with a very morose Juli in the past few months.
Many thanks for solidifying the wonderful friendships I have.

I am very grateful
Very blessed
And very much not alone.

The past once again has molded me into a new ever changing person.

Here is to tomorrow which will be just another yesterday.




Beautiful


How can a word bring about such a strong emotion when it is told to you. I have heard it said to me before but never like this. Never have so many emotions come forth from one simple word. I have a hard time accepting the word. I know I can be cute and that I try to be a good person but beautiful, thats hard to swallow. I guess I am still kicking myself in the butt for my past. For a turn down a path that I still shake my head at. But also, I know that those turns made me who I am today and that I have many more in this life time. Maybe it was who it was said by, at any rate it hit me hard.

Laying in bed that night, while having my weird bimonthly swirl of emotions (I call it an invisaperiod) I couldnt stop crying. It was happy tears, but tears no less. I hate to cry, I hate to show weakness and I hate when people are around when I do. But that night, I was actually comforted and after I chose to stop burying my head in the pillow I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and acceptance and it was wonderful.

Sometimes I stop and wonder to myself if I am indeed myself or just faking the Juli I want to be. But that makes no sense, my actions are my actions and its not that I am faking being strong, its that (at least in that moment) I am strong.

I do not like being doubted or second guessed. I dont like to be told how I am feeling but that I just wont admit it. But I also dont like confrontation so if someone does put me in a corner I usually do one of two things, I cry or I laugh.

I am occasionally doubted when it comes to my feelings about the person I am dating and her still hanging out with her exs and it bugs me. Believe me, if I had a problem with it she would know, but I dont.

But here is the deal, the is the very first “ship” I have been in that I havent felt the need to control. After a lot of reflection and writing I concluded my being desperate and needy would backfire every single time. So I have been working on that but strangely, with her, its easy. She is like this breath of fresh air that I have needed for so long. I have a life, she has a life and we have a life. It doesnt feel rushed or that one person has more control over the other. And contrary to what has been suggested to me, we are both very respectful towards each other.

And if, for some odd reason you are still scratching your head over “she/her” dont, because yes, I am dating a girl. And no, its isnt some random, omg my ex husband wont take me back crap, its real and its been there since I was a teenager. Jason knew my desires when we were married, I do believe he is the only one that ever knew of them. I dont know why I kept my little secret for so long. I guess those that were really paying attention could have pinned it easily.

I am sure word has traveled all through fb land and the blogsphere but for those closest to me I actually told them. My friends and family proved to me just how wonderful they are. My ex husband, well, sigh. And my parents were rather funny about it. See, back in high school dad and I had mom convinced I was a lesbian. We had her going for a while, then one day she sat me down for the “I accept you talk” and I told her I was kidding. So of course she gave me crap over that when I told her. Dads response was that he was a lesbian too and that I made terrible choices in men. lol.

Anywho, I dont know what led me to follow through with just hopping on out but I am glad I did. I read a book a while back where I had to answer questions about my soulmate and funny enough I always used the term “they” as opposed to “he”. As if I was leaving an opening for both sexes.

So ya, there you have it, a little update. 🙂




3 years ago today


I was undergoing a mess of emotions that, back then, I thought I would never be able to process. I was scared shitless, my heart was totally broken, I was betrayed, lied to and pretty much tossed to the side for someone else. Hope was 2 months old, Ian was 3 and I was a single mother. *I* was a *single* mother. I would love to forget glancing at the kitchen table, reading a letter that my then husband had left on the table for me to read. I would love to not have a rush of emotion every time I think about reading that letter.

I was stunned.
I was lost.
I was alone.

But I packed up my crap, drove me and the kids to Amarillo and tried not to look back. Jason was my everything, I didnt know how to breathe without him. And up until a few months ago, even almost 3 years after he left he was still my everything. I seemed to not be able to function without him and it was pathetic really. He seemed to only want me for one thing which, in a desperate attempt for him to take me back, I always gave it to him.

And then I stepped back, I realized that maybe I didnt need him after all. I started reading books like crazy. I desperately needed to get myself together on way more then a superficial level. I can talk a good game. I can put this smile on and fake my way through the day like its second nature. I did it for years and I could continue for years. But I didnt want to, I didnt want to be that scared little girl on the inside anymore. I was tired of doing what was expected of me. I was tired of caring what people thought of me. I was tired of living an image that on the inside tore me apart, it wasnt me.

So, with a deep breath, a promise to myself to be myself and tons of little notes taped to my mirrors and walls I started the process to match the inner and outer Juli. And thats where I am at right now and I must say its a blast.

I am not going to hold myself back for fear of being rejected anymore. And amazingly, since starting this process my relationships with people have grown much stronger. And my relationship with myself is amazing. I smile constantly, I smile because me on the inside is so happy. I made positive life changes and plan on keeping them around for the long haul.

Yes, I have changed. And no its not because of anyone but myself. And I am not desperate to find love and am rather insulted that anyone would think that about me. I know quite a few people that fall into that desperate category and that I am not. I attached myself to Jacob, this is true. But it wouldnt have happened had I not had a bond to him from years past. It wasnt a mistake, I certainly dont regret it nor do I regret keeping a certain someone else for the past few years. It is what it is and its shaped me into what I am today.

So yeah. I am still doing that little dance through the metal detector at work. I still have a goal to put a smile of people faces on a daily basis. I am still a great mom. I still have great friends (which after the past couple days I realize just how wonderful they truly are, I am blessed). I am not going through life grasping at straws of love. I am following what has been in me for years and I am actually calm, for the first time in a long time.

So yeah, 3 years ago today I started on this amazing journey of life. I would like to thank Jason for the ticket and the boot in the ass to make it on the train. lol




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