This perfectly sums up my married life


Sometimes my intentions were “good” (I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or worry you), most times my intentions were selfish. I paid careful attention to what I thought it was that you liked about me, and I tried to present that picture all the time. As such, I never “let you in” in any meaningful way. I always hid portions of myself from you, at first because I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore, but as time went on I did it to purposefully keep you out. ~Jason

When I look back at the 6.5 years that Jason and I were together I can’t help but think of those few sentences. I would like to think that I am over it, that it is processed and in the past but it’s not. I don’t ever want to live in a fantasy land again, one that at 37 weeks pregnant is snagged from under my feet. It STILL hurts to think about and it still brings up tears and bad emotions. It was painful and embarrassing but most of all it was my life.

3 years ago the judge officially signed our divorce papers. Tonight I took a walk through a past blog as a reminder to myself of how far I have came. The desperation of those typed words still rip my heart apart and it has been almost 4 years since he first left.

But what happened then made me who I am today and it serves as a reminder that life has a funny way of working itself out in ways that are the least expected.


AUGUST 15TH, 2008
Dirty Laundry 

http://storyaboutagirl.com/?p=207

I am offically single, well in a sense that thats the box I can check from now on. No desire to check the divorced one. I got my paperwork, final decree in the mail today. Now begins the tedious work of changing mine and the kids names, what fun.And for your reading pleasure I am posting just about everything that has happend since October. Why? Because it steps ME through the pain again and lets ME see how much I have grown since then. Reading what I wrote then, how weak I was is upsetting. It brings back every emotion I had back but also makes me stronger.

Unless you are on ctt with me you have never read these, they are just cuts and pastes from the board. The dear Juli letter is finally scanned in, all of this is printed off and being locked away only to be see again in 15/20 years.

So here you have it…

Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:26 am

37 weeks pg and dh tells me he doesnt want me anymore

i dont know what to do

excuse the typos and the lack of capsi am at my parents house, they came and got ian and i last night. i didnt trust myself to drive 2 hours.

i swear to yall, i thought i had the perfect marriage, the perfect husband, the perfect father to my child/ren. it all came crashing down yesterday. he hasnt cheated per se but he is emotionally attached to another girl. he is trying to figure out if he wants to work the marriage out or if he just wants to leave. he is so blank, he doesnt love me anymore.

i dont know what to do. my parents had no knowledge of this homebirth. it was to be just me and him, he is my rock. my midwife is 2 hours away from where we live and 4 hours from my parents. i cant go back home and have this baby by myself. as dumb and selfish as it sounds i just want to find a doc here, scheduel a c section and just get it over with. no one supports my decision to homebirth and at the moment i dont have a home.

i dont know what to do with ian. jason put him to sleep every night for the past 2 years, i dont know how to even begin to explain to him that daddy isnt going to rock him to sleep every night. i have no idea how i am supposed to put ian to sleep as well as an infant. i am so dumb, i cant believe i am in this situation. dumb dumb dumb

do i stay? i want my husband back but he is just so blank to me. he says he has been miserable for 2 years. i thought the past 2 years were the best of our marriage. i dont get it, how could i be so blind.

i cant eat, i took a bite of my granola bar and almost threw it up. ians already thrown up this morning. he knows somethings up.

is this all a dream, its a dream right? the only thing missing in our lives was that the fence wasnt white.

my parents only have dial up and i keep expecting him to call and say come home, lets talk.

i want to save this marriage but is it even savable now?

i was extremely swollen, like i was with ian swollen but it has gone down. i dont want to resent this baby but i feel like if i wasnt pg this wouldnt have happened. i dont want ppd again…..or maybe i still have it.

jami, lory….someone close close to me….anybody. i hate the phone with a passion but its just me and ian in my parents house. please call me. if it keeps ringing that means i am online so just call back.

_________________
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:27
Its been a long, draining, emotional week

I feel like I need to get this out so I am typing it all up here. No one knows any of this but I need to get it out and I dont want to talk to my irl friends/family about it.So things are good with Jason and I but I have a major hang up, major. When he eventually told me that Sunday that he was in love with another women I asked him if he had done anything. He said he had hugged and held her hand but that was it.

I told myself that I could get over that and I can/did.

That sunday I told him he needed to call his dad, set himself straight and to give himself some time to think it all out. I thought he would and I thought he would do it alone.

Well no, he called her on Monday and she came over. They talked and they kissed. How in the hell is he supposed to be focusing on us if he is calling her to come over to MY house!

Tuesday is when Mom, Ian and I came down to talk. Thats when we talked it over and decided to keep on with the marriage and to continue working to stay together. He didnt mention that she came over on Monday and he certainly didnt mention the kiss. Not until Wednesday when I asked to make sure he did nothing more then hug and hold her hand.

I cannot get past this. A kiss to him is as important as it gets so that fact that he shared that with another woman, ESPECIALLY when he was supposed to be focusing on US pisses me off to no end. Then to keep it from me on tuesday when we were supposed to be talking it out just seems wrong.

I am fine one minute and then I start thinking about it and I just loose it. Burst into tears, start swelling, feeling lied too, emotional, ugly, worthless, everything I SHOULDNT be feeling, especially being so pregnant.

I sit in the living room and see it happening. All the good in this house has been sucked out. This was my grandparents house, its where I spent a large part of my life time. I dont want to think about my husband dropping me and bringing someone that has no business being here here. I no longer have the fond memories of sitting in the tub with my cousin with mr. bubble bubbles and grandpas selson blue shampoo to turn our hair blue. I no longer see me sitting in the living room playing with my 1970s barbies and blow up furniture. I dont see the happy holidays that were spent here for 24 years. I just keep replaying that Sunday and Monday, I cant seem to get past it and its killing me inside.

Jason and I talk about it every time I get to feeling this way. I was doing real good and then last Sunday it hit me hard. I couldnt close my eyes without seeing/hearing me desperately pleading him not to leave me. Since this past monday I think I have gotten a handle on replaying what happened on Sunday but I am still stuck on this kiss thing. I feel dirty, disgusting and used when he kisses me. Not all the time, not even close but sometimes it just hits me and I loose it.

I dont like feeling this way. It takes a lot to piss me off and when I do get to that point it takes a lot to get me to sit in the same room with you. I know I have anger towards Jason and I hate that I do. The love far outweighs the anger but its still there. My absolute hate and rage goes towards that girl. What kind of person would come over to my house to essentially take my husband away? He says she kissed him, that she wanted to let him know that he was “loved”. Pathetic excuse, there are no words.

He asked if he had told me on tuesday about that kiss would I still want to stick around and try to make it work. I said yes but its that he didnt tell me on tuesday when he really should have. I was lied to for 2 years. I would love to conveniently think that he “forgot” to tell me on tuesday but at this point I cant. I cant get over that feeling.

I am so scared that these feelings are going to come up when I eventually go into labor. I have no idea what will happen if they do. I dont know if I am having such a hard time moving past this because I am so incredibly, hormally pregnant or if I would react this way if I wasnt.

I feel blah one minute and then great the next. Its so confusing. And then to throw a baby into the mix of it all….

_________________

Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:35 pm

Its over, he has been sleeping with her and lying about it

I am a fool to have ever taken him back. He never talked to her and said they couldnt talk, he made that all up to please me. He has been sleeping with her since school started back up last month.** Wrote this 3 page letter of crap with no mention that he slept with her. I went to pick him up this morning so we could talk it out, thats when he told me. So I promptly detoured to the bank so he could empty the account. I made him take Ian with him so he didnt cop out. Called his dad and let him know that Jason had been cheating on me. I took his cell and the house keys. Started to drive home he said he needed to get clothes and toiletries. I told him he shared a vagina he can share some shampoo. Told him that he will have to stay in the clothes on his back for the next couple of days.I thought to myself, “I should drop his ass off in the middle of a cotton field BUT that would waist gas” so I just pulled over, in the middle of no where and told him that I will need an address to send the divorce papers and then told him to get the hell out. He asked for his cell back and I told him no and drove off.

Got home and threw everything I could into trash bags and stuffed it into the car. I also took the prized ps3 and wii. Grabbed his tooth brush and cleaned the toilet bowl with it and put it back.

Called the police and told them to watch the house for the next couple of days. Locked up the house and left. Went to check the mail and noticed he took the mail key. I went in and told the front office to watch the house and she is having the mail man deliver the mail to the office.

Drove to amarillo and the outskirts of the city are basically on fire. Just a block away a huge fire was brewing. Slight heart attack over that.

Asshole, complete and total asshole.

So ANYONE that wants to call feel free too. I cant call out because it costs my parents a lot of money. I will update the contact thread and put it here as well.

806-381-xxxx

I just dont know what I would do without you girls. Thank God we hadnt moved yet!

Any advice on how to break it to Ian or help with a divorce would be great.

I should note here that when he FIRST told me he slept with her while we were driving in the car he told me the first time was when school started. A few days later he was honest with me and told me it was actually the last day of school.

__________________

Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:02 am

I called him yesterday
I am such a dumbass

I have been looking for books on divorce and all of them say to try to work it out, try to mediate you can move on with your marriage after an affair and it will be stronger. Bah, it puts that crap into my head, the we can work it out crap.So I called him, it was either him or Ginta and dumb butt me called him pleading to come back. Bang

Why do I keep doing this to myself, he isnt really what I want and never really was. I didnt get a proper engagement, our wedding day was so insignificant that I could never remember the date. I had to beg him to come to doctor appointments when I was pg with Ian plus he wouldnt stay in the hospital with me when I had Ian. Never in the 6 years did I get a card, I got a flower once because I begged him (our first vday). No birthday or Christmas presents, I bought all my own.

The past couple of days have been real hard, Ian wont let me out of his site and just calls mama over and over and over again. I get frustrated with him because I cant just get away and I know the last thing he needs is a frustrated mama that just wants to get away.

The house is coming today, thats a relief and a headache all at the same time. I get the luxury of sorting stuff. Jason wants NOTHING, nothing at all except what he came in with which is books and other random crap. So odd but I guess it makes it easy when it comes to the actual divorce.

I still cant believe this is me and my situation, it could definitely be worse but its still shocking and sinking in.

Anyone have any good bottle recommendations? I cant leave hope for more then 2 hours and their are times when I will need too. I am so scared that I am going to loose my breastfeeding relationship along with everything else but I have got to get out and have some me time. Its something I havent had in the past 5 years.

______________

Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 7:37 pm

I would rather be a bitch then a liar
Custody hearing was today, plus more fun stuff

Lets just say that everyone else is right, me, the one married to the idiot for 4.5 years still cant see that he is lying to me constantly. Sigh…..So the custody hearing was this morning at 8:30, three times now (in the letter he wrote me, in email and also a signed paper) he has said that he would help support us above and beyond basic custody for the next twelve months. Today we get to the court house and he tells my attorney that the max he can afford is 415 a month, he had agreed to 835. Since this was dealing with custody and not the divorce part she said she didnt know if the judge would let us get the extra 400. He also left out the fact that he tutors when he wants the cash and makes 25-30 bucks an hour at it. He has been telling me for the past month that he has no money yet every time he walks in the door he is in a new shirt and new pants. Fucker, I was already pissed because he went to abiline to meet homewreckers folks (they must be soooo proud) and didnt even bother to call and wish Ian a happy Easter.

So we go in front of the judge and he says thats all he can afford. My attorney grills him about the tutoring and he stumbles with that a bit and then asks if he is splitting rent with his girlfriend that he has been living with since we split (he wrote in his financial papers that he was paying all rent and utilities). He said yes but that he wanted his own place that way he could take Ian for visitation (we had previously agreed that he would wait for a year that way he could take both kids). Its obvious he only cares about Ian, if he does in fact get a house then he wont see Hope since she can only leave me for 2 hours.

In my financial documents I wrote out all my bills and added the midwife bill. Dumbass Jason notes that thats not my bill its his and he has said that he would take care of it, in court and under oath so thats taken care of. Love eyes

So lets just say the judge wasnt impressed with Jason in the least and at the end he said he was ordered to pay 415 a month….short pause….plus 400. :evilgrin

So thats taken care of until the divorce, at that time it could be reversed and he could have to pay the measly 415.

On to me I suppose. I finally got the internet today, its so nice having something faster then 28.8 kbps.

Its so sad, the man I thought I married and the dad that I thought my kids had is nothing more then a selfish pitiful excuse for a human. I was flabbergasted this morning when he said he would only pay 415. I really thought he would start being true to his word but its more obvious now more then ever. I feel so bad for my kids, I want them to have a relationship with Jason but its just not going to happen and me pushing Jason to be there isnt working either. He just does not care, at all.

He also told my attorney that he plans on always staying in school so 1’644 is what he will always make.

I might have been a total bitch to him in our relationship (though now that I have done some reflecting the times I called him stupid are the times that we would fight and he had just been caught in a lie) but at least I am not a liar. I am a painfully honest person, my memory is way to shot for me to try to keep up with the lies so I have always told it like it is and because of that I have some wonderful friends and great support. I dont see how he sleeps at night, I could never forgive myself if I had done what he has done.

I am so happy, I have my freak out moments but I am happy. For the first time in years I am actually in pictures instead of the one taking them and I am smiling to boot.

So thanks for reading, I am so behind on the board but I figured I would fill you all in. I feel like I shouldnt be so happy and feel so good but I am and its nice.
Who knew what divorce could do to a person.

______________

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:49 pm

Thread posted “Juli”

It went as well as could be expected. He contested the extra 400 and tried to walk away with the whole stimulus check (that he has had for the past month and a half) and pinning the midwife bill on me (that he already agreed to pay in court). He also said he didnt want the kids names changed which he had previously agreed to and signed on. Everything he ever said he would do he went back on and I was fully expecting it.Firstly, It wasnt the divorce, it was a temporary hearing. His attourney (which looked like she hadnt washed her hair in a while, had a hot pink bra and wore flip flops, winner!) basically wasted our time because everything could have been mediated over the phone but she would never respond to my attourney. So we went down there to negotiate.

First he tried to settle with paying July, halfing the stimulus check with me and having me pay the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said he could give me July, August and September, all of the stimulus check and he had to pay the midwives.
He didnt agree.
He came back and agreed to July, August and giving me half the stimulus and halving the midwives.
I didnt agree.
I said I would never sign the stimulus so neither of us would see that money and we would go infront of the judge at a later date and let him make the call.
Court date was set for October 3rd.
We left the building, were in the parking lot and got a call from my attorney. Came back.
He said he would give me spousal for August and September, all the stimulus and he would pay the midwives.
LOL
I agreed, have the stimulus check, signed the papers (which still have to be typed up to be official), depositing the check tomorrow. I should get the offical typed papers to sign Thursday. Friday (because I know he wont have talked to his attorney by then) when I see him I am going to tell him that I changed my mind. Just to fuck with him and see the look on his face. Of course everything will be final and I wont really take back my word but it will still be fun.

He didnt bother to change the custody which further makes me realize that he really doesnt want anything to do with Hope. Custody is set for 2 hours on 2 Saturdays a month, thats it. I of course give him more but you would think he would want it written that he can take her.

No geographical restrictions, we can move to New Zealand next month and he couldnt do a damn thing about it.

The kids will be wexxx grxxxx without the dash. He didnt want them having the dash so it will be a second middle name, idiot.

My dad, girlfriends and I laughed the whole times. Even took pictures. I am so glad its over with.

And yes I know I could have went in front of the judge in October to fight for that 400 and I know that some of yall dont see eye to eye with me over the money but I feel good with the agreement. Money really isnt an issue.

In the long run I walked out with 1600 in spousal support which in Texas is rare. 5,500 cash from the bank account, a paid for house and a paid for car. No bills except utilites, everything was paid off before we split. I could be in a much much worse position and I realize that and thank bob every day that I have a roof over my head and tons of help.

Btw, I should have a new laptop screen in a week.

______________

My Dear Juli letter, its what I woke up to on February 13th, 7am. I cant read it in its entierty, I have a couple of times but its been months. I am happily filing it away. Maybe I should just cleans myself from it and throw it away but for now I will hold on to it. I read it all as false now anyways, how anyone could ever do what he has done to one of “the best friends a person could ever have” is beyond me.

Only my best irl friends have seen this…(zoom the page to read the letter)

So here is to new beginings. I am looking forward to school and adjusting fairly well to being a single mom. Ian goes down to see Jason next weekend, I am not happy about him not seeing Hope for a month but he didnt seem to care. Nor am I happy about Nicole being in my childs life but thats something out of my control. They moved into a two bedroom last month, one room is theirs and the other is a study/Ians room. I am pretty positive that all along he has told his family that he is moving out on his own but yeah, thats certainly not the case now.

======================

The only other private blog to be unlocked is the one below…

The past 24 hours

So thats all of it, feel free to call, comment or message me. If you managed to get all this read then congrats, lets do lunch.

By the way, I no longer feel the pain that I felt months ago when I am in this house. I can safely sit in my recliner and sleep in my bed and not toss and turn reliving that day in October.




Live in the moment


2010 wrapped up in a way that I never would have imagined, I came full circle in a cloud of emotions that were tucked into a tiny part of my being that I was to scared to release.
A connection with a person from my past.
A desperate attempt to be someone who I once was.
And ultimately a loss of that person again. But this time I wont hold on to that person for 11 years.
I will move forward, I will live in the moment.
If even for a few weeks I had a return at some level of who I once was and who I wanted to spend time with.
It was a reminder to myself of the type of person I want and the type of person I don’t want.
And it’s okay that he is gone because he was here for just the amount of time he was supposed to be here.
I came full circle, got what my heart craved so many years ago and was then released.
I am okay with that.

I have a terribly bad habit of going back, of thinking of times past when life was so much easier. When taking whatever illegal drug available was no big deal. When dancing in the rain was one of the best things in the world. When having people walk in and out of my life was something to be expected. When living with 15 people in a one room apartment was fun.

And all those things formed who I am today but they aren’t who I am today.
And who I am today might not be who I am tomorrow.
I am ever evolving.
I am learning day to day.
I am doing a little dance through the metal detector at work.
And looking into peoples eyes, for longer than a glance.
I am reaching out to new people and bringing those close to me closer.

My weight doesn’t matter.
My stupid acne at 30 doesn’t matter.
My clothes don’t matter.
My hair doesn’t matter.
My past doesn’t matter.
Only now matters.
Nothing I do or don’t do can keep people in or out of my life.
Everything, absolutely everything, happens for a reason.
People come and go at the times they are supposed to come and go. I might not understand why at that moment but I will eventually.

And to this I bid adieu to my past life for it was my past and it will always be so.

Here is to a fantastic road ahead.




Ahh, drama


It always helps me to just type this all out and since yall said you liked following I will put it here instead of a private blog.

Jacob dropped out of my life yet again, which I assumed would happen. I am pretty tore up about it because I dont know what I could have done different, I think we are just meant to *not* be.
I hadnt seen him since he left Saturday. I called Sun, Mon, Tues (and texted) and got no answer. Screw it, whatever, he is avoiding me so just move on.
Then last night I was at a friends (the house we were at Friday night) watching old videos from crazy times. After the last video ended Tim stood up and was walking around all weird like. He started unplugging the vcr and I noted that I had told Jason I was staying until 11.
Then he just sat down all confused like. He said Terrah is on her way over (Terrah is Jacobs ex). Well great.
He noted that she saw my fb pics, sent one to him and one to Kevin (and I am assuming Jacob) ripping into him.
He noted she was bringing someone and that it was probably her cousin.
I said no, its probably Jacob. He laughed it off and texted her to see who was coming. Sure enough, it was indeed Jacob. Her reply to him was “dont judge, Jacob”.
So then Tims phone rings and da-ta-da-taaa its Jacob. I tell Tim to give it to me and I answer totally knocking him off guard. We talk for a bit, he notes the drama and I say it wasnt me. He said he knows, thats it all him, that we slept together and that he has never had a “fuck buddy” and that its screwed him all up. He tells me he just wants his Juli back and I say I just want my Jacob back.
Poor Tim is on edge thinking he just royally screwed up, I gave the phone to him and he went back to talk to Jacob. Came back and said what all Jacob had just said.
Then about 10 minutes later Jacob calls back to talk to Tim making sure I am okay.
And I was.
Until right before I left.
And lost it totally on the drive home.
And today I have cried all.day.long.
And ate all.day.long.
I texted and asked him to call and he wont. I just need to talk face to face with him.

I am overwhelmed with sadness and I dont really know why. We were such good friends but he left me years ago when we started to fall for each other and he seems to have left me again once he started to fall. Its something about me, he wont allow himself to fall for me. And really, we could never be more then friends. He is still a kid and he has no desire to grow up. I am a kid at heart but I can still be a responsible adult.

I just wanted my friend back and he moved it to a level where I freaked out about it but he really freaked out. I dont know if we can be “just friends” again, I know I can but I dont think he is emotionally mature enough for it…blarg.

I started reading http://www.amazon.com/Love-Will-Find-You-ebook/dp/B002S6UNMY/ref=pd_ybh_5?pf_rd_p=280800601&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_t=1501&pf_rd_i=ybh&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=02JGTRBNXHX40NG628M8
tonight on my Mac/kindle.

http://www.amazon.com/Keeping-Love-You- … X40NG628M8
Is set to be ordered when my stupid new debit card comes in the mail (I thought I lost it)

Its pretty obvious that I am attracting the same type of person over and over again and I would say its come full circle since Jacob was the first to have ran away. Hopefully these books will help. I need to learn to love myself again. No one but me can make me a better person. I need to be okay with being the single girl.

And to make things even more weirdly complicated I have had this crush on this person for months now but I refused to admit it. I am admitting it now…and its a girl. Very weird for me. Every time I see her at work (she is an officer at the front gate, so she pats me down) I get this weird school girl crush feeling. Just this week we started really talking, we can stand there and just smile and talk to each other. I have NO idea where that is going but I can tell no one here because we have mutual friends and I dont want to make it weird for either of us or weird at work. But she has really pretty eyes, see… http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000049713622

I need a name for my soap opera of a life…and a forum.




Once upon a time (12 years ago), in a land (circuit city) far far away…


New to some, repost for others…really long
I had this best friend. He was my everything, we were constantly together, we finished each others sentences. He would play and sing me songs. We went to the mall once and bought corny best friend necklaces (and wore them constantly). We had matching striped toe socks that we would sport around in at our place of work. We were going to get matching tattoos (a plug and an outlet). One day we took the chain off the stapler and made two bracelets, one for each of us. We were going to name our kids (not *our* kids but when we had kids when we were older not *our* as in he was the dad and I was the mom) with the middle name Rivers. He would write me little notes and leave them around for me. We were going to move to Austin together, had the place and everything and then one day he left me a note that said he wasnt my boyfriend (which I never thought he was) and that he had a girlfriend now, after that point we no longer hung out.

So he moved to Austin, with her, and got deep deep into drugs. I moved on, always thinking of him but always assumed I would never see him again. When I was in the hospital having Ian, 5 years after I last saw him, I had Jason take my chain bracelet off. I figured that was it. I wore that bracelet since the day he put it on me, taking it off was sorta symbolic. I kept the bracelet, the best friend necklace and all the little notes tucked away in a box. Jason never knew of him and never knew of the box.

Then a couple years ago for my birthday a friend told me that he was back in town and that he worked for him he told me he would text me next time he worked. So a couple days later Tim texts me and lets me know he is at work. I couldnt believe it, I was going to see my long lost friend. When I got there he wouldnt look at me, we talked but it was as if I hadnt ever existed. His teeth were all rotted out, he looked like he had been through way more then I could comprehend. He got my number but he never called. Back in March, when I bought my house and was moving I came across the old box with my best friend necklace and all the little notes. I opened each note one last time, read them all and then threw them away.

So Halloween rolls around and I am at Tims house (the one that had previously employed my friend) and he tells me that he now works at his boyfriends store and that we had just missed him and his girlfriend. Well in my head I just dodged a bullet because I didnt want to see him again. In my head I had finally processed the loss of my friend, it took 10 years but he was forever gone to me.

So that brings us to last weekend. Me and Ginta had to go to his store and I was just hoping to miss him. We walk in and there he is, I quickly walk off before eye contact is made and go looking for what I came there for. A few minutes later there he was, at the end of the aisle. Think John Cusack, lifting the stereo over his head just instead its him and no stereo is involved. lol. He says my name and I turn and say his, he tells me to come to him and he gives me this huge hug. I am practically crying in the middle of the store. He kept on hugging me, we exchanged numbers and I told him he better call this time.

That night he called me and apologized over and over again for leaving me. He let me know that he thought of me all these years. He also let me know he was single.

^ Was from a couple weeks ago, 2 weeks later we seemed to have picked up where we left off all those years ago. He even sang to me the other night, embarrassed the crap out of me though.

So does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I think it does if you had a strong connection to the person before the absence occurred. Jason told me that until a picture was posted that it was as if I had made Jacob up. I don’t know why I didn’t speak of him to Jason, I don’t know why I kept that little box hidden.

I am at such a different place in my life then Jacob is. He seems to still be Jacob, still at 17 years old. We have talked about his past, those years of total disconnect, and it makes my jaw drop. Where as me, well I did my crazy thing, got married and had kids. I have a great job, I own a house and for the most part I am pretty responsible. 😉

I have no idea what will come of any of this. I do know that I don’t want to loose him again. He tells me constantly that it was the drugs back then that made him leave, that it wasn’t himself. I have a feeling that this whole “Juli attached to someone” is rather weird for my friends because it seems as though I have gotten attached way to fast, when in reality I never unattached myself. Besides, it’s a good thing that he moved and I didn’t follow because Juli would have been methed out as well.

This whole thing is a huge practice in patience though. I have this stupid fear of being left and I have tried time after time to figure out where it started. I just have to trust the process because I truly do believe that “Everything happens for a reason”.




Its amazing what typing it all out can do for a person…


I am fine, perfectly fine. So Why in the World do I keep emotionally crashing every few weeks?

I am fine one minute then sobbing the next but over the same stupid thing, every.single.time.

So how does one stop loving someone? How do you turn it off? HOW? It seems my life would be so much easier if I could put the past where it belongs and stop looking back. Or looking so far forward that I seem to miss the *now*.

It is no big secret that I am still completely emotionally attached to Jason. And I hate that I am. I hate that he is still my go to person. He is still my shoulder to cry on and in a sense, my rock. But at the same time its those very things that bring me to sobbing in bed, trying to gather myself, running fool only to eventually crash and hopefully start the everyday life motions again the next moring. And it stupid. Its stupid the situation that I have put myself into.

I need to stop going over the “what ifs” in my head. Maybe he isnt the person that completes me, maybe someone else will eventually come along. Why should I even care?

I dont think bad of myself. I think I am cute, I think I am cuter 50 lbs lighter, but still cute. I think I am loving. I think I have a good personality and a good heart. I think I am a good friend. I think I am pretty good person actually. Selfish at times, yes, but I still always try to help people when they need it. I think I didnt take the pity me path and have done pretty good since my world came crashing almost 3 years ago. I think I will be fine, I really do.

But I still cry. I am wondering if I need to find a therapist again. Someone to talk me through this stupid divorce. The question of how long I have been divorced still brings tears to my eyes? Why? Shouldnt I be happy about it? Where my life is now is nothing like 3 years ago. I have my friends back, heck I even have some new ones, I have a wonderful job, I have a new home, my children are happy, I am healthy, I have my faith back…I have myself back.

Isnt that what people strive for, happiness? And all that equates happiness. So I am happy and fine. Sigh. Also talking in circles apparently and liking the word *and* tonight. lol

Oh I crack myself up sometimes.

This is all a bunch of gibberish and I certainly feel better now that I have typed it all out and gave myself a reality check.

A few good things happened today, great things actually. I think I will focus on those for the next few days.




October is right around the corner


For the past 3 years my Octobers have been horrible (well more then 3 actually). So I decided last night that *this* October will be a great one, I will see to it. If I go into the month down then it will indeed be a down month. So to just lay it all out, to get what goes through my head out I will type it and be done with it. For October will no longer be a month of dread.

Jason broke up with me (2002).

We got back together after 2 weeks, max (2oo2).

I joined the Church in October (2oo2).

We moved to Lubbock (2oo3).

I got pregnant with Ian (2oo3).

Jason started acting really odd (2oo7).

Told me he no longer loved me and was in love with someone else (2oo7).

Did I mention I was 37 weeks pregnant?

He moved out (2oo7).

I freaked out (2oo7).

We decided to try to make the marriage work (2oo7).

I left Boone (2oo8).

Jason and I started repairing everything that went wrong (2oo8).

Confusion of being in love still set in, big.time (I will leave it at that).

Ian had his tonsils out, which I stayed with Jason and his parents while Ian healed. It was almost like being married again, spending that much time with him on that constant of a basis threw me into some “what if” depression (2oo9).

———

So needless to say my Octobers have been eventful. But now that Im reading it its not so bad. lol. I am over the affair crap from the most part so yeah, October should be fine from this point on.

That and I already have a couple of big plans which I am oh so excited about.




5 day weekend


And in that 5 days I am going to finish my house up. Everything is pretty much unpacked but I still have pictures to hang. And then done, finally done. Have I mentioned how much I love this house? :p

All these new chapters keep opening in my life. One of which is potentially a pretty long one. But no one knows about that chapter, no one will for a while. Its my secret and I am not a secret keeper.

I am so grateful for my family and friends. I am grateful for my lessons and for what those lessons have taught me. Even the ones that I didn’t want to go through.

Just blabbering here. But yeah, I am happy. Oh so *very* happy.




Looking


So I am laying here looking up at the pull cords on my fan. The longer one is the light portion, the shorter controls the fan. The fan is on full blast and because of that they are dancing around, almost rhythmically. But every once in a while they start getting caught up in it all. They move crazily, out of sync and they distance themselves. And then it happens, the shorter one takes a little leap and wraps itself around the other one as if its hugging it. And then they both calm down for a moment and pause, with one cord wrapped around the other. Then they unwrap and start going crazy again, the cycle repeats itselfs.

Silly cords, are they ever going to learn their lesson? Or are they just destined to dance around each other with only moments of pause.




I really need to start updating this again


And that might just happen since I figured out how to add new posts via my phone.

So anywho, its been a while. I have lived in the new house 3 months now and I love every minute of it. It took a bit of adjusting but I dont just sit on the couch and cry for no reason anymore. Thats rather nice. I am working on sorting everything from the old house and putting it in storage, that is a rather large task. But still, here is to new beginnings.

Ians doing better, I think this last round of medicine redo will probably be the final one. We also found out that he is allergic to all sorts of foods and once we realized this it was a major ah ha moment. Beef, turkey, pork and vanilla to name a few. lol But again, answers, we needed answers and we finally have some.

Ian missed a month and a half of school this year but still managed to get promoted into 1st grade. 🙂 Poor kid, so much crap has happened in the last 3 years but I think he is dealing with it pretty well.

Hope is being Hope. She is 2 and she is just like me. <3

I am turning 30 next month and its getting to me. And not in the “I am old” sense but in the I remember dads 30th birthday sense. I thought that was soooo old when I was 8. We are so partying it up though, 80s white trash style.

I lost my job at the tale end of last month. Lets just say, wheew…what a relief. Aside from the minor “oh crap” freak outs I am pretty much okay with it. I needed another job anyways. Terribly bored though.

Its even been well past a year now since being single and again, wheew, what a relief. Boone, one of the sweetest guys you could probably ever meet and I do miss him sometimes. But also, Boone, one of the biggest assholes you could probably ever meet and I DONT miss that side. I actually hate when we cross paths (which is very very rare) because I dont want to see the “bad” side, no one does. We were just on two total planets and whether or not he would ever admit to having loved me I can honestly say I loved him. I am glad that chapter of my past is closed and thats the last I plan to ever speak of it again.

Jason and I are still doing pretty good. I really wish he would get himself out of his pickle (or as he says, his black hole). I know he got himself into it and all but it doesnt exactly make it easy. The bitchy part of me wants he dumped and heartbroken like I was the realistic part of me just wants him to do some freaking growing and I know he cant do that with anyone attached.

Well that was random. I am not feel particularly anything at the moment but did figure out my phone app, yay. Man I miss these blogs.




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