Life is good


So I go in and get Hope from her nap today to discover that she has stripped her diaper off. 7 months old and she has already figured that part out.  She is already impossible to change, she flips over and crawls away as soon as she is put on her back. She is progressing right along, sitting up, saying mama and trying to mimic anything else that she can (including coughs and sneezes).

Ians doing great. He cleaned up the living room tonight with  no arguments at all. He is even putting himself to sleep. Well he almost is, I give him and hug and a kiss goodnight and tell him to go lay down and he makes it about halfway (meaning the bathroom) and lays down and goes to sleep. So after 30 minutes or so I pick him up and lay him down in bed. The goal of course is to get him to lay down IN his bed and fall asleep but its baby steps. And no, I dont feel the least bit bad or guilty that he falls asleep on the floor, it was alway my favorite sleeping spot when I was a kid.

So the divorce is in just a few days and I am a bag of mixed emotions. To hear that its over, officially (as in now I check a different box) over is going to be hard as hell. I know its over, part of me knows it was over from the moment we said “I do” but the other part of me still loves him and I know that I always will but just in a different way.

I feel like the hate, frustration, jealousy, loneliness, depression, grief, anxiety, bitterness that I have felt since October will finally have a chance to be laid to rest.  But at the same time the joyful, happy, loving, outgoing Juli is finally getting herself back with the help of awesome friends and family.

So right now life is good…no wait, its awesome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, so I went to move Ian from the floor to the bed and he had already done it. Awe.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Ian and Hope are too cute. I will be thinking about you over the next few days. Take care and hats off to you for moving on. Life IS AWESOME.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 14, 2008 – Monday – 8:11 PM
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So yesterday was my birthday


I am not a fan of holidays or days centered around me. To many years where things have just gone to poo. I even had a few years go by where no one told me happy birthday, not even my parents. All the years Jason and I were together nothing special was ever done, no gifts or dinners out with just the two of us.

This year was different. Right after midnight Boone called to wish me a happy birthday along with saying I love you a good 20 times. I went to sleep that night beaming.

Woke up still as happy as could be knowing he would be over sometime after 6 so we could go out to dinner. Right after 5 he walks in and hands me my present. I open it and its the wii version of lego indiana jones. He knew I wanted mario kart but couldnt find it (its hard to find still) so opted for the other that he knew I mentioned a while back ago.

So sweet, he actually listened to me babble on about something, took mental note of it and bought it for me.

Anywho, we got ready to go to Fridays to meet the girls for dinner. We sat and talked for almost 2 hours, even had my birthday ice cream. I am so dense that when they people came out with ice cream I was looking around to see who else was having a birthday.

Finished eating (Boone bought dinner as well) and me ang and him went to r and r to sit for a bit before going back home.

Came home and we talked for hours (this is nothing new).

That was my birthday and it was wonderful.

Tomorrow is lunch with Sarah.

Saturday night we are going out to celebrate it some more…starting at r and r around 9 and then who knows from there.

6 days till d day.

sarah

sarah groves
whoohoo! i made it in a blog! glad your birthday was rad!
Posted by sarah on July 9, 2008 – Wednesday – 8:30 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
oh juli!!!!

i am soo sooo sooo happy for you!! congratulations!!

sounds like you guys had great fun!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on July 9, 2008 – Wednesday – 8:36 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Glad your birthday was a great and memorable one! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on July 10, 2008 – Thursday – 10:59 AM
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Turning a bad into a good


So Friday started off stress full. We had planned on going to the pool with Donna, Kimberly, Kimberly’s friend and Boone and Victoria. I figured if Victoria came then it would give Ian something to do instead of standing around with two people with 2 babys. But Boone had to cancel but we went ahead and went.

For a little bit it was okay but its hard to relax and have a good time when you are holding a baby and watching a crazy 4 year old. We eventually left and I was looking forward to a kid free weekend, I NEEDED it badly.

Got home and right when we were stepping into the shower to wash the chlorine and sunscreen off Jason called to cancel. I was livid, I needed a break and Ian already knew he was going to see his dad (we prep for it on a calendar which we will no longer do). We were all upset, not a good day at all.

Saturday proved no better. Threw a pity party on the phone to various friends wallowing in what my life had become. It was not a good thing and I hate it when the situation overwhelms me so much that I cant even function.

Sunday I woke up and told myself that it would be a better day. Called mom and asked her to watch Hope that night while Ian and I went to wonderland since it was the cheap 10 buck night.

So we went and we had a blast. I dont know if the park has always been that craptastic or if it was just never noticed as a kid but the regular price they charge is ridiculous. I already have an annoyance for PD though, ever since he fired me…bastard, with a police escort and all.

Ian rode all sorts of things, things that made Jason sick a few years ago. He is so ready for Six Flags. Hardly any lines too. I was so proud of him. We really ended the weekend with the bang that brought us closer together.








The rest of the pics are in the June 08 album.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
oh yay!!

so good to hear you guys got to have a great time!!

wonderland IS alot better when you experience it with your babies!!

i am so happy your weekend ended well!!!!

=]=]

lots of luv!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 30, 2008 – Monday – 10:51 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It’s amazing what a good laugh on a silly little ride will do for your body and soul!
Posted by Always Màthair on June 30, 2008 – Monday – 5:55 PM
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Number one and two


The top two stupidest things to ever come out of Jasons mouth…

Number one: When asked why he slept with Nicole?
Answer “It was finals week and I was stressed. You wouldnt even kiss me (btw, wasnt even 3 week postpartum). You know how physical of a person I am Juli.”

Guess since he had already fucked up he felt the need to keep sleeping with her over and over again. Eeewwww that she knew he was sleeping with me too. Oh wait, she probably thinks she had him all to herself. Newsflash homewrecker, Jasons a very physical person. lol

And Number two:When asked why he wasnt coming up this weekend (after the previous 4 excuses weren’t covering it).
Answer “Its just not worth it”.

Score one point for team dipshit.

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
Well I could go on and on about my thoughs and feeling of this guy, but it would not be very nice nor would it be positive…

So I will just say, if you ever need and ear, you have my number…

lots of luv~~

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 28, 2008 – Saturday – 12:28 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
I worked with a girl years ago that had personalized license plates on her car. I had to ask her what it ment…duh?

MNRSCM

Still makes me laugh!

Posted by Always Màthair on June 28, 2008 – Saturday – 2:19 PM
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This is what I have to deal with when it comes to Jason


> On Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 11:54 PM, Juli Why wrote:
>>
>> So I got my letter today saying when the divorce is. Kind of a bummer
>> that its on your dads birthday.
>> Anywho, see you Friday (or Saturday). Just a heads up, both kids are
>> going with you.
>>
>> Juli

On Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 8:13 AM, Jason Groves wrote:
> I have to take a late bus because I have a final on Friday. Which means
> that I will not be in town until (at the earliest), well after Hope goes to
> sleep. So as far as taking Hope for Friday night, you’ll have to talk to
> Mom and Dad.

> On Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 1:09 PM, Juli Why wrote:
>>Whatever Jason. I will ask them, sure seems like you want to take an
>>active role in being a father to your daughter.

Jason Groves to me

show details 3:28 PM (2 hours ago)

Reply

That’s simultaneously disingenuous and insulting.

You already know that I don’t think she should be staying overnight for more than a night. Additionally, you know that I’m in school, with no car, and only able to take buses.

If it were possible for me to reschedule my final (and I tried, it is not), then I would have. But it isn’t, so I have to wait on the buses. Which means I’m leaving late Friday at the earliest.

I will be in town. I will be there as early as is possible for me to be there.

And mine…

Juli Why to Jason

show details 6:23 PM

Reply

I am glad it got to you because seriously Jason, I wonder sometimes if
you want anything to do with her at all.

And no, a half assed blip of a “only one night” isnt really a
discussion. You dont take the time to talk to me about how the kids
were when they stay with you so I pretty much have to assume stuff.
Except when Ian tells me you cry, then I know you had a rough time.

You have NO idea what its like to parent two kids on your own. Feed
them, get them baths, get them to bed night after night. So sorry you
have to do it a whopping 4 days (at best) a month. I am doing
fantastically at it but I do want our kids to have a relationship with
you. I told you I would take Hope for a couple of hours on Saturday
for the transition to be easier, thats the last thing that was
mentioned.

You would think you would fight to see your children more but I swear
if it wasnt for your parents taking such an active role I dont think
you would see them all that much. It breaks my heart to hear Ian say
over and over again that he wants us back together and that he wants
you. For it to not even be on your radar speaks volumes to me. I dont
want you but its still his dream to have us together again. Obviously
he cant have that so the next best thing is for him to have you as
often as possible and the same applies for Hope. She might not be able
to say she wants you but she does, she misses you so you need to be
there for her. Being there for her includes being the first person she
see in the morning. Wink

Of course she misses me when I am gone but I am not the one that has
to establish a relationship with her. You do, you have to take the
active part otherwise you will just be some guy that she sees every
few weeks and I dont want it to be that way.

You know, you could pick up the phone and call me. You could discuss
what we should do with the kids but instead you send me cold short
emails. And I dont believe for one minute that you dont have time to
do so, its just that school is just SO much more important than
anything else. Always has been and always will be.

————————–

Boo fucking hoo to him. He would have nothing to do with Hope unless I pushed her on him. He is so distant towards her, brings her back to me and leaves her in the car seat. I am sure this wont end good but I am loosing my patience with him (is that obvious).

?SaRaMiChElLe?™
WoW…

So sorry to hear this is continuing to be difficult… I guess it always is.

I would like to say how well I think you handle things… It seems

you have been very patient and resonable with him… maybe he will realize

how much easier that makes the difficult situation.

=]

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 24, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:21 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Julie,
I know the kids don’t understand, be thankful for that, maybe you can find a way of explaining how people are in a way that Ian can cope with so he doesn’t think you are a bad person for not being with dad. Sadly what they see is mommie and daddy are not together, and not untill they get older will they really see what horrible things life can throw at them.
I know Harley would have had a hard time at that age dealing with a separation or divorce between his dad and I, but as he got older the wounds to him got greater and I have told him so many times how sorry I was that he had to deal with a man that was not truly a father to him.
It only got worse with the years. After two years I can walk away from him without feeling pushed or pulled and it was very hard from 30 years of emotional abuse! We learn from those things and hopefully move forward…it may come to a point that although the kids want to see dad, dad may distance himself from them when they are together and come to the point where he resents even having to take them. Don’t force the kids, and always talk to them about their visits to see if they are ejoying it, or hating it. ALWAYS TALK TO THEM! It isnt’ so important that Jason is in their lives if he can’t take the time to truly BE WITH them in all ways. Don’t let them become pawns in the struggle! Love them, protect them. YOu are their rock! The truth will come out with space.
Posted by Always Màthair on June 27, 2008 – Friday – 5:45 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
P.S.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

Posted by Always Màthair on June 27, 2008 – Friday – 5:48 PM
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Dear Parents…


Some day, when I grow big and have a chance to move out on my own and have kids and all, I will make sure that I follow the money because, really…thats all that matters. Never mind finding happiness, thats worthless unless the person makes at least 100k a month. No way could I get a career of my own and support myslef and the kids, I MUST have a man do it for me.

Oh wait…didnt I JUST have someone support me (actually he still is) for the past five years while I sat at home making babies and taking care of them? Maybe my goal in life is to be independent. And yes, I realize that I need to figure out what I want to do career wise and right now I have chosen graphic design, that will probably change over time.

But really. I love yall, and I appreciate you helping me out in this crazy time in my life. Its nice looking out my front door and knowing you are so close. Thanks mom for never inserting your foot in your mouth while having conversations with my ex while his girlfriend is sitting right next to him. A girlfriend that has a rather large mouth but nicely and quietly sat holding in her laughter.

Its nice that we have reconnected and you have both realized that the apple didnt fall far from the tree. And since you know this please understand why I will never seek wealth. You didnt raise me that way so 28 years after the fact you cant possibly think that I will all of a sudden change my tune.




July 15th, 1pm


Thats the date, thats when my divorce will be. I of course knew it was coming and I am looking forward to having it over with but its jarring to see a date to know that this really is happening.

Its almost 7 months to the day after he told me that he was in love with someone else. Time has flown by but at times it has stood still. Can yall believe its been 7 months already? Craziness!

1 month and 1 week shy of our 5 year wedding anniversary, I feel rather blah that we didnt even make it that long.

It will be 1 week after my 28th birthday.

Mark your calendars for the weekend after.




Fuck


Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Just when I think I am okay, moving forward. I dont know…HAPPY, I stop and realize just how much this whole situation is fucked up.

I hate you Jason Willice Groves, you lying adulterant piece of shit. I hope you rot in Hell right next to your worthless piece of shit whore of a girlfriend.

That is all…

And an hour and change later I feel much better. I still want to shake some sense into him. Can he not see what he is missing? Can he not see that he is being replaced? Does he even care?

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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Keep letting it out. It will help you in the long run. People do stupid things and what sucks is those who don’t deserve it have to experience most of the frustration while the offender just moves on like nothing ever happened. Don’t you worry, sooner or later he will get what is coming to him. He can’t play games forever. Take care and enjoy the beauty in your life now, you deserve happiness and so do your children. I am thankful you have found that my dear.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on June 18, 2008 – Wednesday – 9:53 AM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
Give it about two years…seriously. That is how long it took me.
Don’t worry…be happy!
Posted by Always Màthair on June 18, 2008 – Wednesday – 5:54 PM
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This isnt working, he just doenst get me and I guess I dont get him. Ever since Recas graduation party night things have been so off. I can see it, I can feel it. Some days are great and some days are not. Is it even worth it?

I am telling him my feelings because hiding them is what got Jason and I into so much shit but I tell him and he gets pissed off. He has been so fing busy and when we have time together we really dont. The only time we talk is on the phone, the only time we have sex is when he is really drunk and horney. The only time he shows great affection is when other people are around, as if he as to prove something.

I hate this. I love him and he loves me but something has got to change before it all just blows up. He is supposdly spending the night tonight, I think he will but I think he will just sit infront of the damn box and ignore me.

I hate to say it but I miss Jason. I wonder if he has missed me at any point in the last 4 months.

Boones not the “one”, their I said it. Tomorrow I will come along and feel differently but right now this whole situation hurts.




Small update


This weekend was awesome, I got to go eat dinner with girlfriends, see desert devils and spend all day Sunday with the kids, Boone and Victoria. Ian and Victoria did awesome, some meltdown parts throughout the day but for the most part they did great. It was just a wonderful day spent with people that I love to pieces.

Hope is close to crawling, she manages to get one leg up under her and go forward but after thats she just rolls to where she needs to get. Really cute though although two kids running around the living room while she rolls about is rather scary. Her bottom two teeth are almost all the way in, so cute. This coming Saturday will be her first night away from me, she is spending Saturday night with Jason.

Ians doing a bit better behavior wise but this next weekend is Jasons weekend so I am sure we will have some reset time after that.

I am doing very good. I am being rewarded constantly in knowing that I can parent alone, its really not all that bad after all. I can now give everyone in the household a bath, at the same time. A feat that I thought would be impossible without someone to pass Hope off too. Another feat I thought impossible, even with Jason around was to have a third child. But I occasionally watch Victoria for Boone and the 4 of us do rather well. I am way out numbered arm wise but all 3 can fit on my lap just fine.

Its just awesome, everything is working out so much better then what I ever imagined it would. Bumps along the way, some days their are more bumps then others but we make it through it okay.

I dont think Jason will ever know just how much this divorce has done for me. Its pushed me into situations that I never imagined I would be pushed into and in every situation I have been pushed into I have come out a better person. Every day is a challenge but a welcome challenge.

Now all I need to do is loose all this weight I gained since having Ian.

I am a fatass,  I dont mind admitting it, I know I have got to loose this weight that I have gained in the past 4 years. So I got me a wii fit, nothing better then having a video game tell you that you are obese and then plumping your mii up to where it looks like you could be rolled out the door.

I weight 211 pounds, yep thats right. I am FAT! But, I am doing something about it thanks to the wii and numerous workout videos. Why am I tell you all this? So you can ride my ass about being so overweight.

I learned tonight that I have excellent posture (my mii age is 27, I will be 28 in 1 month), I cant do a push up for crap, running without a bra is a BAD idea and that yoga actually is a workout.

This should be fun. 🙂




Just another hiccup along the way


Every once in a while I sit back and reevaluate this whole marriage/divorce thing. I am constantly trying to answer the whys so I dont end up in the exact same situation as before. I know a big part of Jason and I’s undoing had to do with me mimicking what I had been around my whole life…my parents.

I am not going to get into stuff that I hashed out back in October, some of yall know what I am talking about and some dont. I learned from it and did what I needed to do to fix that part. But today I remembered another thing that I was trying to get away from for so many years.

I love my dad, I really do. But sometimes he has this monster that comes out and its always scared the shit out of me. This is something that I tried to escape with Jason. Very very rarely was Jason flat out verbally mean to me, I mean very rarely (he insulted me often but I am not counting those times). It made me feel safe. I think thats why I freak out (on the inside) when Boone has a moment of not so happiness. I automatically start thinking that he is going to go off on me while I cower in the corner. At that moment in time I see it as horrible because I am expecting something thats not going to happen. That probably makes no sense to anyone but me…

At any rate I came home tonight, about 20 minutes after I should have been home. I looked at the clock and started heading out the door at 10 till but didnt leave until 15 after, how that happened I dont know.

Well I get to my parents house and dad just lays into me (while holding Ian). Telling me how he is not up my ass, how Boone needs to give me gas money  (he does plus its none of dads business anywho), how I need to park the car and stay at home, fucking this, dammit that, on and on and on. He storms out the door with Ian over to my house. I sat and talked to mom since she was giving Hope a bottle, about 7 minutes later he storms back in with Ian.

Says something about pajamas, I told him I never asked him to get him in pajamas. He goes off on me some more, tells me to shut the hell up multiple times, throw in some damns and fucks and he storms off again.

I just sat there with mom as we both stared at each other. Hope finished her bottle and she walked me over because I didnt want to be in the house with just dad.

This is what I ran from for 23 years, this is why I went for Jason. I knew he would never talk to me that way and I knew he would never ever do so in front of the kids. I took the first person I found that made me feel safe and I went for it only to be left 5.5 years later, with two kids living 35 feet from my parents, getting yelled at the same as before.

Shit shit shit…

When times like that happen I start planning my escape, the easy thing would to go get married and move away again but duh, that didnt work the first time and it surely wont work again.

Just another hiccup along the way, another realization as to why I am here and what I need to work through before I can really move on.

Sigh

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
that sucks!! i totally understand the whole… having to put up with parents cause they are helping out. its not that you are being ungrateful it just seems that they are sometimes irrational. and you start feeling trapped and that is THE worst feeling ever!!!

sorry that happend!

luvya lots!!!!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on June 6, 2008 – Friday – 10:53 AM
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The long weekend


So this weekend was loooooong, it usually is when Friday night is my night to go out. It started off decently well, Jasons dad came and picked up Ian, I went and picked up Boone at his moms house, drove to Hunters celebration of life and then we went to our all year high school reunion.

It was fun but we could have saved 20 bucks and hung out elsewhere with the same people. It was fun hanging out with Donna though. 😉

Saturday was a long, never ending day. Someone gave Boone a cough (could have been me or someone else) and he pretty much felt like crap the whole day. Hope was craptastic, she just would not nap even though she was so tired. She finally got some sleep when I dropped off Boone at the theater while Victoria and I went and got some food.

Sunday I woke up sad, you know those days when you just cry for no reason. I sat in Kirbys room and fed Hope for an hour before leaving his room and going into Boones to sulk some more.  He came in and hugged me which made me feel much better, on with the day I suppose. Drove back into town, dropped off Boone and Victoria. Hope and I drove to Angelas and we sat and talked a bit, drove and picked up Ian then we bought a few groceries.

Ians been a major turd ever since spending those 10 days with Jason. It seems that every answer to my question is a snotty “no” or he just plain talks back. A week and change ago he high tailed it on a tricycle to 6th street, he was maybe 20 feet from rolling onto the street before Boone caught up to him. That was a mess, him not listening to anyone is just not working so he has been in some deep shit since then.

He was doing better but yesterday after picking him up he started in with the no crap while at the grocery store. Grrr, its like I get him out of the habit then its Jasons week and he reverts right back into turd mode.

Anywho, we came home and he played outside until the sun was down. Hope was already asleep and I was just exhausted so when he came in I just got him in his jammies and had him sleep in my bed.

3:30 am I hear this disgusting sound of rushing water. I get up, flick on the light and sure enough he had thrown up all over the bed…all over. So I drag him out of bed, put him in front of the toilet and start ripping off sheets. I know, I know, the poor kid is covered in vomit and I am freaking out over my bed but dammit that stuff stank and I didnt want it seeping into my mattress. Did I mention that he knocked down the thing in the corner above the bed that held over 100 stuffed animals. So not only is massive amounts of puke on the pillows, covers and sheets its also all over multiple stuffed animals. Yucko. So I gather the nasty stuff, throw it in the laundry basket, sop up the vomit that went through the sheet and then go and clean him off. Get him all changed again, grab the baking soda, cover the nasty spots and then put a new sheet on. Vomit seeped through the duvet cover onto the feather down comforter so we couldnt sleep under that, the other duvet/comforter was in the other room so we slept with some throw blankets instead.

I dont know why puke always happens at 3am but I am proud of the way it was handled. Many times I have woken up to clean up vomit but I always had help, this time it was all me on the cleaning crew, it sucked but it wasnt all that bad.

Thank god the weekend is over. I normally look forward to them but this last one just seemed never ending and boy did it ever end with a bang.

Btw, Hope had her “first” solids earlier today, pics are in the June 08 album.

Cheyenne aka Mommy
Juli, I know what you are going through with Ian’s mood changing after spending time with his father. My kids do exactly the same thing and when they come home we have two weeks to get them back to normal and into our routines, just in time to go back to doing whatever they like over there at their father’s house. It is frustrating and endless. Hopefully one way when the kids grow older they will figure it out and things will level off. Until then we can comiserate together.
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on June 4, 2008 – Wednesday – 10:40 PM
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It worked


So tonight was the first night both kids slept in their room and it worked. 9 pm they were both dressed, Ian hopped into bed and I nursed Hope. She finished, I laid her down in her crib, sat back in the chair, Ian held my finger and they were both asleep in less then 17 minutes!

Lets hope this sticks, I have free time at night…woot.

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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
yay!!!!

go you!!!!

congrats!

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 19, 2008 – Monday – 9:40 PM
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Cheyenne aka Mommy
Sleeping alone can be bliss. Congratulations to you! I know you miss them but it helps everyone out in the long run. Here is to many more restful nights ahead! 🙂
Posted by Cheyenne aka Mommy on May 20, 2008 – Tuesday – 12:08 PM
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3 months



Current mood:  calm

So the 13th was the 3 month mark. Time, time has flown by but at times it has stopped in its tracks. The amount of growth I have done in these 3 shorts months has been amazing. I really  believe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me but at the same time it is still the  loss of a dream, but would that dream have ever even occurred?

I am fine a good 95 percent of the time but that other 5 percent is when all time stops, its as  if I look up and see everything falling and I just cant stop it. I revert back to what ifs and  start seeing occurrences that I KNOW were bad times in a different light, its like I try to trick  myself into thinking that the bad wasnt so bad and that it really would be better to just go  back to the way things were.

I know thats not true, I know in my heart that this divorce is best but when things start  getting out of control all I want is the familiar even if the familiar was curled up in bed  crying myself to sleep. I at least knew that. I at least knew Jason would come back. But you  know, the night before we split I did spend the night crying in bed and he touched me very softly with a finger mumbling nothings and in the morning he was gone, gone for good. So I  guess he didnt always come back, did he?

So I am rearranging the rooms and can I just say that moving a king memory foam mattress by  yourself just doesnt work. I think I can do it all on my own but its silly times like that when  I realize that I cant. I was putting the drawer back into the crib and all the blankets fell out, I havent seen those blankets…touched them, since Jason and I split. The blankets that he would swaddle her in every night and then get her to go to sleep. Little things, little things  like blankets make me just pause and think stupid thoughts that are all over the place. Things  like “daddys little girl” all the way to “he would swaddle her in this for the night and a few hours later leave to be with Nicole. He could have stayed in bed with us, watching us both sleep but instead he left, how stupid am I to think that he wasnt up to anything”. I dont know, this  whole thing is just odd. I go back and think of times when I know I needed help and go over what  he said to me, why didnt I see that he didnt want to be here…its so obvious now.

Anywho, this past week and change has been a roller coaster. Extremes highs that are followed by  extreme lows, complete and total happiness followed by doubt, over and over again. When the doubt happens I think that I can never be happy again and then the happiness comes and I wonder what on earth I was thinking, of course I can be happy because I am happy.

Maybe its that Ian is not here, its that key piece that has been here for four years. Or that I  know Jason is here in town, just knowing that he is here makes my stomach floppy. I want to talk to him but at the same time why even bother, I cant trust a damn thing that comes out of his  mouth. Yet I am the bad guy to Nicole, Jason can do no wrong even though he has lied too/betrayed EVERYONE of any importance to him yet I am still the bad one. Huh, why even care what she thinks,  right?

Pink, I cannot believe it but pink has made its way into my wardrobe and I enjoy it. For years I hated pink, even said Hope wouldnt be dressed in it yet its now welcomed by me. For so long all  I had was black tshirts and bluejeans, never tried to change it. Its still my staple choice, comfort all the way, but it feels nice to put on clothes that actually fit me and arent black.  That right their is proof that I have had an attitude change, when all I wanted to do was blend  into the background (which was impossible with blue, purple, yellow, etc hair). Now I want to be noticed, I want to strike up conversations with new people. Its so refreshingly nice.

On to the cuteness of earlier today. Hope and I were at Boones, he has his daughter this weekend.  So I am feeding Hope and she asks where the bottle is, I tell her she doesnt have a bottle. She  is looking at me oddly asking why she doesnt have a bottle and I tell her she gets the milk from me and that she was also breastfed as a baby but that her daddy gave her a bottle. So she keeps trying to get Boones attention, “daddy, daddy…look!”. So I can tell she is still wondering why I am feeding Hope with my breast so I let her know that thats how cats feed their babies,  thinking she would get this because one of the outside cats just had kittens a few weeks ago.  Well no, not quite, she turns to Boone and proclaims “daddy feeds patches (thats Boones cat) with  his…?”. Oh man it was hilarious, patches is Boones baby but not that way.

Then Eric walks in the room, glances at me and then turns quickly putting his hand in front of  his face. “Sorry Juli, I am so sorry Juli.” What, you cant see anything, its fine Eric. “Well I dont want to embarrass you.” You are not going to embarrass me Eric. “Well then I dont want to embarrass myself.” Then I heard Boone laugh. Good times, good times. The funny thing is that both Victoria and Eric have seen me feed Hope before but I guess this time they actually noticed what I was doing.

So this is my life right now, Saturday night at 9:17pm. Hopes asleep for the night, living room door is open, cd player is softly playing a final fantasy soundtrack, crickets chirping,  refrigerator humming, fan whizzing, the light is on above the sink and the lamp is on in the  living room. Silence basically, much needed silence. I think I will go take a bubble bath.

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Karen Jane
I love who you were. I love who you are now. I know how hard it is to get yourself back to those points. I am proud of you, and I love your pink shirt. What a strong woman you are Juli. Have I said that I love you?
Posted by Karen Jane on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 1:20 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
i agree with karen jane… you are very strong… and loved =)
Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 1:30 PM
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Always Màthair

Sue Dooley
It is a process, like everything else we have learned in this life. Give yourself time…it has taken me the most of two years to be able to go back and forth to the Garfield house, to even be around Jerry, and then going to see Harley, then comeing back here to be in my parents house again… as I learn again who I am and what I believe in, it gets easier, it doesn’t hurt as much, and I remember what ever has gotten me/us to this point, good or not, is all part of the program of being human, dealing with emotions and situations and learning that things can be ok.
the hardest part is letting go of what we knew, and picking up on what we need to get us along now and not letting ourselves get too strung out on why’s what’s and is fors…
Have a mentioned bio feedback to you? When I thought I was going to have to do chemotherapy again for a year or more, I knew I would need something to keep my mind grounded and whole this time so I bought a wonderful computer program called The Wild Divine.
The doctors decided against chemo, and this is the most wonderful calming meditational bio feedback training I have ever experienced! It has taught me how to control my energy, my depresson, my anxieties, my living in the fear of the past that should have NO effect on my present!
It is good to write, good to keep journals. When I read mine from the last ten years I cannot believe I managed to stay in the situation I was with a child that was suffering through the same hell I was…I was so wrapped up in my messed up life that too many times I didn’t stop to look at what was happening to him! YOu want to talk about being blind! We are resilient! And with time and good people around us, we can learn to be whole again…a second change to do it all over again, BUT the way we learned it should be, we hope!
Just give yourself time, and live!
Posted by Always Màthair on May 18, 2008 – Sunday – 5:41 PM
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a real diary entry


That side that I have been warned about time and time again, I saw it and it scared me. It wasnt even all that bad but it certainly made me realize that we will only go so far in this relationship if he doesnt cut out or at least cut way down the drinking.

I know not to wake him up when he is tired and has been drinking but Saturday night all I wanted was to be held and he just wouldnt do it. Now, I had been drinking myself and was in the whiny I need attention stage but our two attitudes that night clashed big time. All I wanted was a hug and all I got in return was a fuck this and fuck that, it was so not cool and I was actually scared. No way will I put my kids through that, no way will I have him come home and pass out and go off on my kids if one of them happens to want a hug. Now, after a bit he went out and had a cigarette he was fine but still, it scared me.

Sunday wasnt all that better, we didnt get all that much sleep on Saturday night and Sunday we had to get up somewhat early to take him to golden corral for mothers day. He was supposed to spend the day with me and the kids but for the most part he stayed home and…slept. Unfortunately I woke him from his slumber around 5 and he was again…pissed and I was again…emotional.

Then Monday night we talked it all out, thankfully he is the one that brought it up. I was so scared to bring it up but at the same time I knew it had to be discussed. We talked it out and I was feeling great again. We spent the whole day together today and it went well then I dropped him off at rehearsal. Rehearsal is over at 10 but he had two previews at two different bars tonight. So he calls up at 11:20 saying Caleb will drop him off later. I ask when later is and he says an hour. I bet more then anything that I wont see him until 1am and he will be annoyingly drunk, pass out and disregard me. I want to see him but at the same time I am scared to see him. So its 11:50 right now…when will he be home and how will he act?

I hate this pulling at the heart strings crap. I go from so high with him to so low in a matter of moments and its depressing. He doesnt understand that for the past 5.5 years the person that was “there” for me wasnt really here.

I need to get it through my head that Boone wants to be here.

I also need to get it through my head that I shouldnt bother him when he is sleeping, its a habit I had with Jason.

Also, no more kids, not with Boone, not unless he can get the being woken up thing under control. Now I dont want any more kids any time soon but I will want them eventually. The first few months after baby are hard and I need someone to help me at night and if he is going to jump at me well then no more kids which probably means no more Boone.

I dont know, I am rambling here. Probably just trying to waste time when I should really be sleeping. I do love him and he is so special to me I am just so scared, not that he will leave me or that I will leave him. I am just scared to see that side of him again, scared to see it even worse. I dont like it when he is mean to me, no one would like it but he just doesnt realize that he is like that when its happening.

Sigh…




Private or public…which one will it be?


Current mood:  loved

I cannot believe how fast time goes now. When I was with Jason I would watch the clock and when he didnt get home by 4:30 (which towards the end that never happened) I would start to get very anxious. Now 4:30 flies by and I dont even notice, heck sometimes time flies so fast that I forget about dinner until the very last minute. But not only do the hours go by fast the days, heck weeks fly on by. Unfortunately waiting for this divorce feels like an eternity though.

Ians still doing really well with his behavior. Jason is keeping him from the 9-19 (with the exception of mothers day) and we have been prepping for that. I have never been away from him for that long of a time but I know he will be in good hands, I am still going to miss him big time though. In that time I am rearranging again, moving all the toys to the big bedroom along with the crib and Ians bed and putting my bed in the tiny front bedroom. Both kids are sleeping fantastically now and mom would like a room of her own now, somewhere that isnt cluttered with toys. Its something I need, I will miss having them right next to me at night but with it just being me now I need to be able to have some alone time and thats just not happening now. So yeah, thats the plan and hopefully it goes over well.

Hopes also doing fantastically, she is sleeping from 10 to 8 most nights. I moved her to her crib a couple of weeks ago because she was going for 2 hours at most at night without nursing and it was wearing me out big time. Oddly, I moved her to her crib and she has slept great since then. She is also rolling all around, soo cute.

So Saturday night was a little weird. Went to R&R with Ang and Sarah, Newman came after a bit and then Donald and Eric T showed up. Ang went to go shoot some pool with Donald so it was just me, Sarah, Newman and Eric at the table and it was just…odd. If you dont know why then dont even bother asking but if you do know why it would be odd then you should probably be proud of me for keeping my big mouth shut. God it was tempting though.

On to last night. I hate it when I cry that happy/sad cry but it does happen. Last night we went out to Boones; Nick and Debra showed up and played some pool. Ian contently watched us all (or went off to watch tv) and Hope played on the floor for a bit. But she needed to get some sleep, the day was full of back and forths and her naps were lacking. She was tired, oh so tired so I got her in jammies (its easier then messing with it when we get home late) and went and put her down, nursed her and she was out. Then I roll away and she wakes right back up, we did this a couple of times before I just walked out of the room. She was tired, over tired and I was quickly loosing my patience. So I go back into the living room and just sit there with Ian (Boone was outside telling Nick and Debra bye) just being blah and well pissy. Boone comes in, we have a quick conversation about her not going to sleep and I mention that she probably needs something to listen too (she sleeps with white noise, it helps muffle the loudness at home). He goes and grabs the radio and plugs it in and turns it to a radio station not just fuzz. She of course stops crying so I just kind of sat there for a few minutes, maybe 10, before I go in. So I walk in and he is dancing around the room with her, keeping her calm and happy. You see, Jason wouldnt have done it. He might have grabbed the radio and went and plugged it in but he would have been pissy about it, he most certainly wouldnt have picked her up and danced around with her. So it made me cry and its making me cry just thinking about it. It was such a sweet moment, one of the moments that will never happen with Jason.

So should I put this as public or private? Will it be used against me that I have a friend (that just so happens to be male) spend time with my kids. Will it be used against me that my kids enjoy spending time with him and that I enjoy spending time with him? I suppose I will find out in a couple of months when this divorce is finally over but for now I am not going to stop being happy and having happy kids and if Boones helps make us that way then he is staying in the picture. Ang makes us happy too but I bet she wont even come up.

sarah
i think it’s awesome that you have friends close to you that help with the kids and that you have fun with. it is “you and the kids” now so you should be the one making the final decisions. if my baby girl couldn’t sleep and there was someone who could help and was willing to i wouldn’t stop them. i didn’t know jason was going to be in town that long…
Posted by sarah on May 6, 2008 – Tuesday – 7:57 AM
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Kara
private 🙂
-Now isn’t the time to stir up a hornet’s nest! Your life is your life, but I wouldn’t share anything publicly that could come back to bite you in the ass later. JMO 🙂 Is there any thing good that could come from sharing it publicly?
Posted by Kara on May 6, 2008 – Tuesday – 1:34 PM
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Lo



Current mood:  blissful

All these years I thought I had it, I thought I had the perfect husband and father for my children. All I needed was for our fence to be painted white.

I didnt realize until after Jason told me he was in love with this other person (back in October) that our relationship really wasnt what I had always perceived it to be. I knew along the years that I was unhappy but I thought that kids and being together would somehow make it all better. He hated being around me and he really always had. The only time he seemed to enjoy me was for sex or if other people were around (and I think thats just because I didnt focus on him). I seemed to always be forcing love on him and I figured if he knew I loved him he wouldnt leave. I also didnt feel comfortable around him, he never really got my sarcastic humor and bluntness.

But Boone does. Its like we have known each other for many many years. Known as in always been there for each other not just known of each other. The timing of this is so abrupt but its there and its happened. I dont think anyone else sees it but we can spend hours talking about everything, from politics to religion and even disagree with each other but still very much enjoy the conversation. I dont fear he will leave me. I dont act like someone I am not, no need to dress a certain way or talk a certain way. I can make a joke and not feel bad for it.

I hope this is what Jason feels around Nicole but I am afraid its not. I really do want him to be happy because we were not happy with each other. I hope he has worked out in his head what all went wrong and not blammed it all on me. I am working it all out in mine and I know it wasnt all his fault. Thats why when people say stuff about Jason it gets to me, its as if no one wants to know that I could have had some responsibilities in the failed relationship as well. In order for me to move on I have to recognize that and fix that; not robbed of it and patted on the head and told that he is the one that screwed up.

I am concerend about Jason, you can tell he is killing himself inside. If he would just talk to me, if he would let me tell him its okay then I think he would do better. He is a jerk for lying to me all these years and for still lying to me but I dont want him to be just dead to the world because it effects the kids. Right, I didnt run off but I did let our relationship get to a point to where it could happen. I am trying to let go of that resentment and I think I am almost at that point.

So what is LO? It started off with Boone and I jokingly saying we lo ed each other (and he came up with this). It wasnt a joke but we just couldnt say it, couldnt finish the word even if we both wanted too. Then yesterday he asked me if I loved him, oh the meltiness of it all. It was such a sweet moment and then Ian came running in from outside “Booone, I need you”. Boone went and came back and he told me he loved me and that he had been holding it back for weeks….more meltiness, then Ian fell off the porch. lol I brought him inside, washed off and kissed his ouchies and put arnica on him and back off outside as if nothing happend.

Thank God for my kids, they are keeping me grounded and also helping me know that what I am feeling is true.

I have fallen in Love with Boone and I know it, I feel it. Its the same joy, happiness, contentment I get with my kids. Its knowing that not every moment of every day will not be rainbows and unicorns. Its knowing that those moments where its not, the challenges are what will make us grow together even more.

And he feels the same way. This person that has had so many problems with trust issues when it came to past relationships feels the same way, it took him 1.5 years to tell Aubrey he loved her.

And we told each other we would take it slow and look whats happend. Both of us are just in awe that it happened so fast but we are also welcoming of it. I didnt realize what all I was missing until he came along.

I have fallen in love with Boone and he has fallen in love with me.

My life is going so fantastically right now. I have my friends back and my family back. Ians behavior is great and Hope is sleeping well again. We go out and have fun as a family together which is something we never did with Jason. I look forward to going to the park with the kids on the weekends that I have them, its really helping my relationship with Ian.

This is a diary/preferred list but once the divorce is final I will put it as public.

I so cant wait for my divorce party!

Karen Jane
I in a way envy you. I don’t think I ever loved Warren, I can feel that part with you. We fought, were not right for each other, and in the end hated each other. It took me years to find someone I would bring around my kid, that I trusted enough to let into my life. I was so afraid of ripping my family apart again. And it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. And I love evey minute of it. The good and the bad. Because this time the good out weighs the bad. And I know without a doubt that if it doesn’t work I will be able to pick myself up and move on. I can do it alone if I have to, I am that kind of woman. But…. oh how much better it is together. Here’s to moving on July. And loving it. I love you. How’s that for a comment bitch?
Posted by Karen Jane on April 30, 2008 – Wednesday – 9:07 PM
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?SaRaMiChElLe?™
i am so happy that you are so happy =)

it sounds like you learned alot from all of this and that should help as you move forward!
this is such a great lo story that you will tell your kids over and over =)

congrats on all the melty=happy=ness!!

lots of love

~sara

Posted by ?SaRaMiChElLe?™ on May 4, 2008 – Sunday – 9:51 AM
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Cleaning out my filing cabinet


After reading Spiritual Divorce a few times I have realized that I cant “move on” until I fix whats wrong with me. One thing thats held me back for all these years is the fear of rejection or that someone will be there one day and then not be there the next. I also have a bad habit of relying on one person and only one person which so happens to be the person that I am in said relationship with.

Sadly it happened with two relationships and of course it was back to back. What would have happened with Jason and I if I had recognized what went wrong with Nathan and I?

I always complained of a certain friend that when she had a significant other it was as if I was no longer there and it annoyed the crap out of me. Why has it taken me 8 years to realize that I was doing the exact same thing? I have always had my girlfriends but for some odd reason I shut them out when I was in a relationship and I only came back to them when my relationship was going down hill. I cant believe they stuck with me through all that.

My mom nailed it a couple months ago and I just now realize that. I kept saying that I didnt know why I got married and she kept saying it was because Ginta had just got married and thats just what I wanted. I didnt want to be alone. OMG, she was right!

So looking through my file cabinet I found my old diary and then a random piece of paper written to Nathan but it wasnt to be given to him. Ginta told me one time to write down what I wanted to say, not to give it to the other person but to get it all out.

Here is what I wrote, 6.5 years ago…(bolding is mine)

I am so scared that you will leave me forever. It hasnt even been a week and it has already felt like forever. I really hope you are thinking like you said you were going to but I dont think you are. I am trying to convince myself that you and all of your friends hate me. I totally understand where you are coming from. I am controlling but only because I have a fear of being left ~ forgotten.

I guess it doesnt work. I hate what you are putting me through, my heart hurts and I feel sick all the time. It really sucks cause you are the only person that has a shoulder for me to cry on and now you are no longer here. I feel so stupid and ugly, just the same as I always have.

I am the only one out of my girlfriends that is alone, again.

I knew I had a problem with being controlling but I guess I just didnt want to face it. I went after Jason because I knew I would be able to control him I just didnt know that he was doing the same to me all along.

What I fear the most is being left and I have got to get over that. With the help of friends its really starting to work its self out, this fear of rejection.

Always Màthair

that is a hard one for sure hun!
Just think I went through 30 years before I got to that last breaking point…and it took two years more to see that there is a viable person here with thoughts and ideas of her own and that I can survive! I didn’
I think it is so sad that so many people get into relationships before they truly understand what our purpose for this life is, and that as we grow that purpose grows and changes with us.
We humans are either very controlling or very insecure in ourselves.
So much to learn, so many changes we will go through!
Let the light within you shine!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 25, 2008 – Friday – 10:10 AM
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I cant believe how unhappy I was



Current mood:  loved

And that people around me knew and didnt say anything.  I suppose I can see why you wouldnt want to stick your nose into someones business but I really thought that people thought that I was happy. I cant believe I thought I was happy, ack.

So what has prompted this? Well besides conversations with close friends I just watched an old video tape from when Jason and I lived in Utah/were dating. From a time when I thought I was in head over heels in love. Watching the tape it was obvious that I just got on Jasons nerves and that he really had no desire to talk to me.

I cannot believe this is the person that I married, I cant believe I chose this person to make a life with. Seeing that tape from 5 years ago was a wake up call, a major one. Wow.

So those of you reading, those that know Juli, the real Juli the one you have always known that is trying her hardest to get herself back would you PLEASE tell me next time I am in a relationship your reservations (if you have any). Knowing me I will blow them off at first but eventually I will stop and think about them.

Always Màthair

Don’t know if you have been keeping up with Oprahs study on one of Eckhart Tolle’s books, but in one of the lessons he talked about what love really was. He said, if when you think you are in love you are looking at what you see on the outside of a person, or BLIND to what you see out of your own ego’s nessecity, it isn’t really love. Love is what you see on the inside, past the ego, past self. If you don’t look from the inside to what will last, you can about gaurentte that the outside will disolve away.
Sometimes, to find ourselves we have to loose what we thought we needed to see a different depth in us, to see that we can only change ourselves, be ourselves once we get past the role playing.
I wish you great adventures in finding what life has in store for you now!
Posted by Always Màthair on April 24, 2008 – Thursday – 2:43 PM
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Comics that make me smile


Current mood:  happy


Close to you

Collecting double takes

Commitment

Curse levels

Fixed width

Found

In ur reality

Nintendo surgeon




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