It makes me giggle, the mere assumption that I need someone to come swoop me up and take care of me. Obviously, someone with said assumption has never met me and certainly does not know me. The LAST thing that I will ever need is a rescue, I have my life pretty much taken care of thank you very much.
I own everything in my house, my nicely decorated and well kept house…hell I even own the house (and it’s not anything I gained from Jason either). 😉 I don’t spend frivolously, I have no credit cards. I have no desire to use anyone for anything, ever. Nor do I ever plan on teaching my kids that they will ever need rescued. The princess/prince fairytales make my stomach turn.
I do have a life and I do have a past and it’s not one that I am the least bit shy about or ashamed of. I absolutely can have a good time, and not be a lush about it.
I may only be 32, thats 32 fantastic years so far filled with lessons that follow me every day. I am not a bad person, if anything my strength, especially as a woman, should be something that can be looked up to.
So please, I know you’re curious about me and all but the best way to get a grasp of the person that I am is to just ask, not to poke around at 2,500 pictures.
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8 years ago today I married Jason.
3 years 10 days ago we officially divorced.
The Juli back then is so different then the Juli today. I am so much stronger. People that didn’t know me back then can’t grasp what I was. I don’t mind talking about it but it still brings tears to my eyes. I really cant even put into words what all I went through for those years. I lived what I thought was a perfect life only to have to come to the harsh realization that it was all a facade.
I dont know why I have been putting it off. I always blog to help myself get things straightened out in my head. Maybe I fear typing things out wont fix things. Maybe I fear that I dont seem to have the answers. Maybe I fear that I have lost touch with my dreams and goals in life.
Right now everything is a fog and I hate it. It seems that every 6 months or so something triggers me to step back from everything and reevaluate what in the world I am doing. It feels like in the process of discovering myself I have also lost myself. My drinking has gotten out of hand. Not in the sense that I sit at home with a drink (cause I’ve never done that) but in the reality that I have drank myself into a haze multiple times over the last few months. A haze that for the first time in my life I wish I could take back.
Im not a regretful person. Bob knows Ive done some stupid shit in my life but Ive always taken something from it and moved on. Ive always been able to figure out why it happened, process it and move about my days. But its always been me and my actions alone, this last time it wasnt. But at the same time I cant be accountable for someone else, only myself. I know this! And if I know this then why am I having such a hard time processing and moving on.
Actually I think I am having such a hard time with this because I know what the end result is and thats a loss of a friendship. A friendship that I dont feel deserving that I loose but I dont control other peoples lives so I should just accept the fact that it will never be.
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If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.
There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke).
And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals.
The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.
And it doesn’t mean you’re not connected, that communitie’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn’t get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
So I called on Sunday, once, no answer. Called today, texted then called again and it went right to voicemail. Or did it? I think it got one ring in and then went to voicemail. Does this mean that he “ignored” the call or that it was off?
And I freaked out a bit but I seem to be calming myself down now. But I know for a fact that if I dont talk to him tomorrow that I will have some stupid nervous breakdown.
Right now I am telling myself that he hasnt had to work these past few days so he is more then likely toasted and not talking to anyone. But tomorrow he should be at work, therefore not toasted.
I dont know how to proceed here. I am trying to tell myself to give him distance because distance is what he wants. But at the same time I would like to see him. Should I schedule certain Jacob days? Would he even go for it?
And this whole fuck buddy thing it probably going to get to me sooner than later.
But its jacob and he isnt a fuck buddy type of person. Or is he?
I keep going over Friday night with him and at the time it was perfect but days later I am picking it apart. But no, it was great. He sang to me. He gave me a new years kiss. Aside from that I got wasted but he slept with me and held my hand all night and all day.
He cant possibly have zero feelings for me yet still want to hold me.
I just need another Jacob pick me up, a kiss and a hug and a giggle fest in bed.
Single, single, single. And thats probably not changing anytime soon.
But everyone assumes that Jason and I are A) married B) dating C) reconciling.
And that simply isn’t the case. I love him and always will but we are nothing more then friends at this point. I love catching people off guard and telling them that we are divorced, its funny to see the reaction.
A few weeks ago when Ian was in the hospital the nurse happily asked us how long we have been married. I laughed and answered that we have been divorced for 2 years. She apologized profusely and I said its fine, we are just friends. Then she asked if we were reconciling. hahahaha
Seriously, a nurse, who has seen us for no more then an hour (adding all the time in the room) assumes that we are a happy little couple. And the thing is, is that I get that constantly, the questions constantly.
It doesn’t bother me but no one seems to ask Jason the question. Its like everyone sees it but him but at this point that really doesnt surprise me.
It just makes me giggle because I was asked at church if we were married again (and Jason wasnt here this weekend). I really hope I dont exude “I am taken, dont even think about trying to talk to me” vibes. I guess its better than “I am desperate to have a man so take me now” vibes, right?
Anywho, rambling. I am so ready for Friday to come and to listen to conference…
Got back some results. Cat scan and xray are OK. White blood count is higher than normal. He is having resistance when his chin is moved to his chest. Doc is worried about meningitis. Ian is getting a spinal tap. We don’t know what caused the seizure. I its not febril, he is over the age and his fever wasn’t high enough. But he is talking, alert and aware.
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